When people confuse the profile as an autobiographical novel…
When it comes to the dating buffet known as online dating, some of us try getting way too creative with our profiles. We lie.
My swirly stint with Jon B is over!
It became too confusing trying to decipher his mixed signals when he’s doing one thing but continuously tells me that he wants to “take things slow”
What the hell does that mean?!?!
Not once did I press him with one of those “what’s next” or “what are you looking for” conversations, not once. While he’s repeating his mantra of wanting to take it slow, he should have just said he’s not interested in the seriously dating (or dating me) because I was getting a little confused.
Wanting to see me more than one day in a week, especially taking up my weekends isn’t necessary if you want to take it slow so again, how does that work?
It’s too soon to be having these kinds of conversations more than once.
The first time I asked him what was up with his delayed respond to text messages, he offered up some talk about business being crazy or some remodeling stress and the second time I mentioned it he told me he didn’t have to talk every day.
Which part did you want to take slow?
So when I told him I wasn’t really sure what he was trying to do here and that I figured he was trying to be my replacement fuck buddy, he would tell me again how he wanted to “take things slow”.
Did he want to take it slow when he was whispering naughty words in my ear while kissing me up and down my neck? Or maybe he wanted to take it slow when he had that sudden urge to follow me to the ladies bathroom, doing a body search to see if I was wearing any panties?
Could he have wanted to slow things down after our little bedroom tryst before that movie date? Oh wait, I got it – he really needed to take things slow after that missing condom scare.
I am not a toy he can play with when bored, lonely or horny.
Here’s the bottom line: I made the mistake of thinking I was dating someone, when he was just “hanging out” when he needed something to do. His actions made this all perfectly clear because nearly every time we would get together, it would be on his terms and timeframe.
In addition to all of this, not once did he ask me any of those questions that a man would normally wonder about if they were interested; he never asked if I was dating or seeing anyone else and never asked if I was sexually active with anyone.
He never asked because it never mattered.
So after our last conversation this past Thursday night, I realized he was really beginning to act like a fuck boy, and then I started playing games.
His texts were being ignored, I took my sweet time returning his calls and once he left a message saying “Hey stranger, give me a call back”, I was satisfied that he’d been given a taste of his own medicine. Finally, I responded to him by text with a “Have a great weekend” and he replies “You do the same Carmen”, (deliberate use
of my name means fuck you) so I realized this gig was up.
I’m after that mutual attraction and connection.
If I meet someone and the feeling is mutual that we’re interested and wanting to know each other beyond a few outings, we will WANT to communicate and as often as we’re able.
I know this kind of man exists because I’ve had them before and since I’m really not trying to recruit a replacement for Papi (though there’s likely no such thing), why settle for being the woman that is just a time filler?
I tried it.
It was fun while it lasted and now this is yet another item I can check off on my bucket list, even though he is a watered down version of the swirling experience. At least I can say I was open to an interracial experience and maybe willing to try it again because at the end of the day, the actions and intentions of the man make the difference.
Not the ethnicity.
Until there’s a cure…
While contemplating my next move with Jon B, I’m realizing that aside from him being cute and seemingly good on paper, we really don’t have that much in common or at least nothing else that I can tell because he doesn’t talk about much.
Sure, we both enjoy eating and indulging in cocktails, but other than that I only know that he’s hustling to expand his business, takes a lot of naps and feels slighted that his daughter isn’t too interested in his Skyping calls. That’s it – just the surface and superficial stuff.
So as I’m telling a friend about his latest radio silent act like, she silence me the most perfect suggestion:
“You need to take him off the boyfriend program and put him on the fuck boy program. Treat him like he’s here to pass the time.”
This dude will consume several days in a row if I allowed him to and as much as I’m enjoying his company, everything seems to be on his terms and timeline which isn’t cool and another friend says I need to stop making myself so available.
But isn’t that kind of like playing games? If you are available and have nothing else to do, you should say no every once in a while so the other person thinks you’ve got other things going on?
Here’s what I don’t like: he responds to text messages and phone calls when he’s good and damn ready and if I’m trying to plan something in advance, he doesn’t get back until the last minute with a counteroffer.
I don’t like being ignored because actions like this remind me of one or two hangovers from my past. Seeing as how the average person is staring at their phone countless hours a day, it’s inconceivable that ten seconds can’t be taken to tap out a reply.
I know this for a fact because I just did the same thing to another guy.
He texted me at 10:29am and I saw my phone light up within a few minutes and could have replied with a simple “Hey, good
morning…Already working but we’ll chat later”, but I didn’t want to. He’s nice and but I’m not feeling him at and figured responding too quickly would give him false hopes, so I would just respond later. I didn’t respond until this afternoon.
See how this shit works?
Dealing with another one of those super busy and forgetful guys isn’t an appealing option, and neither is the possibility that he’s curving me so I asked him again if he wanted to become a fuck buddy and he’s saying no.
His actions are telling me otherwise so I’ll give him a week or so, if that.
Until there’s a cure…
So it’s been a few weeks of this swirling dating adventure with Jon B and I have a few observations to report.
No, not THE actual R&B crooner hottie himself but as much as the new guy hates being told, that’s exactly who he favors.
The Look a Like and I met on a Wednesday, went out that Friday, Saturday AND again that Sunday. Repeat the following week and again. What does this mean? Hell, I don’t know. We’re either mildly interested in each other OR we’re just looking for time fillers.
I haven’t been able to get a solid reading on the Look a Like, but I’m guessing he may be nothing more than another fuck boy. He doesn’t ask any questions about my dating habits, so I’m not going there either.
Okay, now my observations in no particular order, and absence of any real logic:
1. I’m happy to be stepping outside of my norm and comfort zone.
2. Guys with an eclectic and artsy flair are so damn hot, especially if they are musicians.
3. I’m elated and surprised to have met a non-black man who can make my panties moist just by kissing me on my neck.
4. Most men are the same, regardless of race.
5. Music is everything and sharing a common interest and passion is amazing.
6. Most men are the same, regardless of race and do the same stupid shit.
7. I’ve felt awkward on more than one occasion when receiving the “look” from black men and women while out with my new friend.
8. He is very comfortable dating black women, I’m the one feeling like a traitor.
9. All men have a certain amount of communication blockage, regardless of race.
10. Not every non-black man has a pink tip.
11. I still feel strongly about pets in or near beds.
12. A man with his life together is everything!!!!!!!!
This story is still developing and can have a different update next week, or you’ll see me posting this:
Until there’s a cure…
Years ago when people actually read email forwards, I remember one that had been circulated quite a few times. It was called the 12 types of men and while it was really targeted a more”urban” audience with its references to thugs and baby daddies, but still had a few on there that everyone could relate to.
Having become a seasoned dater, I can honestly say that I’ve probably dated every type of man there is – both good and bad.
While it’s true there’s no such thing as perfection with anyone, there are definitely certain types that can drive you bat shit crazy or close to it.
You’ve read about many of them here from Special Agent, to Good on Paper and if course there are the nondescript types like Papi.
For more on the types of men women should avoid, head on over to Digital Romance and check out the full article!
Until there’s a cure…
Everything about this latest situation is different.
I woke up this morning to both dogs at the foot of the bed; Thelma on his side and Louise on my side. Every now and then, feeling each one turning around head as if to make sure we’re in our spot.
After snapping the photo of our guardians, I turned over to study the intricate design of his tatted back. I love the way his olive skin tone allows each detail to pop.
Oh yes, I said olive.
I said this was different; it’s my first time swirling while dating and I like it.
We all know I’ve had plenty of success stories and this blog tells you how those all ended.
No expectations here, but can I at least hope for no more disappointments?
Until there’s a cure…
I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been in a situation where we met someone new, exchanged numbers and after a few text messages, felt like things may be going in the right direction. But then the communication starts changing a little bit or those texts stop altogether, leaving you wondering what went wrong and I’m sorry fellas – the men are normally on the receiving end of this confusion.
But have you ever wondered what you may have sent that may have turned a woman off?
Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…
Last night’s conversation with July Guy was GREAT, but it almost didn’t happen because after I had given him my number for him to (per his words, have a chat), all he did was fire off a flurry of text messages and not one was asking when I was free to talk.
I hate that shit! Hate it, hate it, HATE it.
Even if we’re talking about a regular encounter outside of online dating, why do people use text messaging as a way of getting to know someone? If we make it past the first couple of calls and like each other when meeting, we’ll have plenty of time for the filler of text discussions but not right out the gate.
I guess if texting is your thing and you don’t care about hearing an actual voice, then go with the flow but it isn’t for me and I let him know after about ten minutes of back and forth when sending this:
“It seems as if texting is your thing which is cool, but I would like to put a voice to the man behind the photos and messages. How about you call me or let me know when you’re free to actually talk otherwise, have a good evening”.
Shut that down real quick and shortly after he gave me a call.
Our talk ended up being hilariously entertaining and enlightening and we touched on everything We chatted about work life, living situations (no roommate, yay!!), dating experiences, our children and the desire to procreate with better choices and even politics. After a while, July Guy comments how glad he was to have called since he wouldn’t have learned so much without talking.
Of course you wouldn’t have so just imagine how many women you’ve likely turned off if that series of Q&A by text messaging is your modus operandi.
I can’t explain how refreshing it is to have even a sliver of interest popping into my head. So far, everything he’s written in his profile was coming through over the phone without any red flags waving around. He has a fairly quiet and reserved demeanor for the most part, but is still down to earth, extremely relatable and more than anything – had a great sense of humor.
Listen folks, I’ve been on this self-imposed sex hiatus for SEVEN months, twenty days and 29 hours so I’m pretty ripe which likely explains my mild temperament nowadays so when the conversation suddenly ventured into adult zone – we rolled with it. The next thing I know, July Guy’s voice suddenly becomes midnight love radio personality as he’s telling me all of the dirty things he would like to do to me as I’m lying in my bed touching myself in certain places.
Considering the drought mentioned above, I won’t lie – when checking out some of these dating profiles I’m torn between considering the next great dating potential OR the next replacement for Papi and after having a phone session like last night? If his actions are as tough as his talking, this guy could certainly be used as a great substitute.
Don’t judge me.
Until there’s a cure…
He’s giving me that look again, rubbing on my leg and talking dirty to me. I know what he wants and don’t know if I can stomach another round with him. In fact, the last time I almost reached towards the nightstand to get B.O.B. and this was while we were having sex.
I have been fortunate enough to have had some marvelous sexual conquests in my life. However just the same, there have been a few men who have fallen short (pun intended) in the bedroom and if this was just someone I was having a little fun with, I would chop it up as a loss and move on. But when the sex isn’t so great with someone you really care for, in a relationship with or even married to, it’s a very big deal.
If you have ever found yourself being sexually frustrated or even repulsed at the thought of being intimate with someone, go on over to Digital Romance, Inc.* and check out my Guest Post about sexual compatibility: https://digitalromanceinc.com/romance/sexual-incompatibility-putting-strain-relationship/
Until there’s a cure…
*Digital Romance, Inc., one of the best sites for dating and relationship advice.
On and off, hide and reveal, resign and restart. The vicious cycle known as online dating and for the life of me, I just don’t understand how men can continue to sabotage themselves by ruining the most important part of the process – the dating profile and specifically, the photos.
Do these men not realize that they can turn a woman all the way on by what he’s sharing in his profile and just the same, can turn us off completely by choosing the lazy, cheesy and sleazy photos like this debonair fella right here:
Yes, this is an actual photo from someone’s profile and yes – he looks like a teenager and made me feel like a pedophile for viewing it and yes – you’re welcome for the red box editing to spare you the unruly hairs and extreme shrinkage.
If only I could be the fairy godmother of dating and tell these clueless gents what NOT to do but for now, you can check out my post written for Digital Romance, Inc., 5 Photos Men Need to Stop Posting Online.
Digital Romance, Inc is the premier source for using the power of technology to get the best dating advice articles, podcasts and videos delivered at the tap of a button.
Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…
Someone new reached out to me over the weekend online and sent this:
I know there’s less than a snowball chance in hell that you will even respond to this message, but sending it anyway.
Your profile is well written and you’re photos are great, depicting a woman who’s at the tip of her game. Yet you’re single (presumably) and online.
This might be out of line, but I’m guessing you’re still single because you’re looking for that perfect guy on your carefully crafted list of about 101 different things.
But maybe… just maybe I’m wrong and if so, you’ll respond and we’ll end up riding off into the sunset.
Just hoping I’m at least I’m the top 10. Hope to hear from you soon.
Interesting opening message and I’m case you’re wondering what in the world I’m saying in my profile, let me assure you – nothing that prompts this kind of reply.
In fact, it’s been edited to just the basics: I’m single, have a cat, enjoy photography and blogging and looking to date.
But the strikes a chord with me. There are so many people (women included) who believe there’s this ridiculously long complex list of requirements singles require. Not true, not even a little bit so I put together 5 things a woman really wants in a man.
You can check it out on Digitalromance!
Until there’s a cure…
About Digital Romance:
Digital Romance, Inc., is the premier resource offering some of the best advice on dating and relationships.
Guys who have been stuck in the friend zone are now the most sought after men on earth!
- The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.
My last date from a few months ago really had it together.
He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.
That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him. But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.
Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.
He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”. By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.
“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.
When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.
Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her. She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.
In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation. He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds? Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…
So how did our first meet-up go?
For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.
Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point. Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion. They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.
47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.
Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up: late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.
This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.
I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself. Maybe.
Until there’s a cure…
I haven’t even begun to share the details about the guy I’m supposed to be dating “exclusively” because I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to have agreed to that, and so soon.
So in my moment of doubt (and being a tad bit trifling), I went ahead and signed up on another dating site. You know, to poke around a little bit a see if I stumbled on someone who has it a little more together.
And guess what happened today?
I exchanged numbers with a guy who seemed interesting enough. We’re about 10 minutes into the conversation and he starts complaining about not liking the city he recently moved to. He mumbles something about having been too rushed and not taking his time to find a place, so I asked for details. Sure enough, he finally tells me he has a roommate and even better?
It’s a female.
I know what some of you may be thinking. Just know that it’s merely a preference to consider dating a man who is independent and self-sustaining. It isn’t about judging their situation which for most part, may only be temporary and you better believe there are many women who think like this.
But what happens if things progress? So now it’s me and him planning visits around a roommate, considering their plans, wants or even moods. And what about when it comes to fucking? Tell me to stop moaning so loud, stop grabbing the headboards and no more smacking of the ass?
This is the FOURTH man in a row who has approached me with a sketchy living situation.
I just can’t and if I do, it’ll be half -asses because I’m too damn old to play the tip toe game for someone’s roommate. All I ask is that a man possess the basics, and of he can come with more, even better. It’s sad to know that the older they get, the worse off they seem to be.
Until there’s a cure…