My Dating Hangovers

I like to watch. No, really I do and before you think I’m planning another one of those uterus massaging sessions with Papi, I assure you I’m not. Well, not that I know of at least.

Tonight I’m going to be in one of California’s many beautiful beach cities at a lock and key dating even, but here’s the kicker- I won’t be participating, trying to meet my future ex-boyfriend.

I know, I know. I’ve recently joined a new dating web site so why the hell am I not a participant?

I would rather watch.

A little over a week ago, I received and email from my friend Kimora (she really is an interesting mix of ethnicities and could be the real one’s sister) asking if I wanted to join her. I thought about doing it, but quickly realized that the location alone would likely net the types of men not attracted to me and vice versa.

However, once I scrolled to the end of the message, I noticed the section saying “Help us run the show”. Light bulb. I could get in and just watch and observe. I haven’t mentioned it here, but putting on and hosting my own lock and key event is on Carmen’s list of dating-related things to do.

How great is this? I can not only check out the men and maybe even flirt a little, but can get the inside scoop on how these events really work.

So exactly what is a lock and key event? It is an interactive event similar to speed dating. The singles in attendance are given a lock and a key, and each person is basically working the room trying the key to open the matching lock. Likelihood of unlocking someone? Probably pretty slim, but as long as the person trying your lock is trying to hard to grab your breast or isn’t a total beast, the fun is the small talk and flirting.

Bonus? If I happen to come across any potential suitors.

I guess it’s time to curl up some Saturday night hair, some sexy ass heels, dark sexy nail polish and an attitude that says yes – I’m this fine.

Haha!

Enjoy your weekend singles, lovers and everyone else I’m between.

Carmen

Well, I have just made it through the first week of being “back” into the scheme of things, back in the mix, back in the shit. Online dating.

I guess it wouldn’t be fair to complain about anything such as of the types and quality of men just yet because you get out what you put in, right? Meaning I really haven’t done much other than create the profile, write the abridged versions of “why I’m great and should no longer be single” thesis, and post a decent profile picture. What else have I done, you may ask – not a damn thing.

Like a bird kicking back and waiting for a freshly washed car, I just sat back and waited for the messages to flow in. Staying true to this bird+car analogy, I have seen nothing shit and to hell with anyone trying to use that you are what you attract mantra!

Don’t get me wrong, they have all been that bad but a good majority have. The minuscule profile details, the “Hey beautiful, how are you” messages that are supposed to make me all excited and moist, the images of shirt-less camera-phone-in-mirror shots which scream AMATEUR. Ugh.

Perhaps I’m going about this all wrong? Is it time for me to put up my ego hat and stop acting like clicking “search” and “view” for profiles is just too much to do.

At least doing a search the ability to weed out the undesirables is within MY control. That way I can see if their idea of “About Me” essays consist of a sentence only, the portions where details are provided all say “sometimes”, and all photos have some chicks head and body poorly cropped out ahead of time.

Yes, I think I may be going about this all wrong.

Slow learner, but I’ll get it right.

Carmen~

Before I can even go into all of the things that went running through my mind when picking a dating web and signing up, I have to say the experts are wrong.

They say that only the good, well written, and carefully thought out profiles are noticed the most. I’m going to have to say no, no, and no.

The ones that stand out like that yellow and black tape at a crime scene are the ones that stand out and for the life of me, I can’t understand why those are the ones making the most contact. They say you are what you attract, right? Since this seems to be the opposite, perhaps I should switch up things to match the a-holes and then I would attract the good ones? I’m just saying.

I have been struck with a bad case of the cooties (stomach flu) and haven’t been back online since setting up my account, but thanks to email alerts, I’ve received several interests and messages. It wasn’t until today, however, that I mustered up all my strength and will (insert violins here) to click and open one. What the hell? Is this a joke? This can’t be real? LOL; all in that order is what followed.

Seriously, what are these douche bags thinking when setting up their profiles?? More than that, I’m actually a little pissed off because I actually took my time AND put thought into creating my own. How do they look at what I wrote, knowing their information wouldn’t get a second glance in a search by more than 90% of the women and think “Ooh yeah, let me go for HER!”? Why aren’t these dating sites getting craftier with the process??

I guess all of this means until I become the mastermind to come up with the solution to match assholes with other assholes and match the rare finds like myself (oh yes I did) with the other rare find, I’m stuck.

Still, I think there’s room for lots of improvement when it comes to the profiles in general. Again, I think a little creativity would scare half of these people online away if being challenged at what is being asked at the point of sign up.

Yes, there’s always the basic information nearly all of these dating sites will ask for such as gender, orientation, what you’re seeking, hobbies, books and all that jazz but let’s spruce it up a bit.

Let’s take for instance, Gender.

What’s funny is this was the FIRST question and the first one that took me a minute before answering. Not because I have questions of what I am (last time I checked, there were no hanging appendages), but because I was expecting a qualifying question after it. You know, something like “were you born a female” or “are you in the process of changing into a female” or better yet, I thought that drop down menu was going to have a “decline to state”.

Next we could make orientation a little more interesting. Yes, this was another easy one for me but when thinking about the types of men I have met (both online and organically), I expected to see a few more options other than “straight” or “gay”. How about adding bisexual, unsure and again, decline to state or “sometimes I’m straight around friends and family, gay around college buddies”. Surely this would weed a lot of people out if given the option to state the REAL deal.

Are you feeling that I’m a little skeptical about my options already?

Okay, so after making it through the first round of questions, I’m taken into the next area that tries to use lame questions to begin determining who is a good match and who isn’t. Here is where there is opportunity for improvement because some of these can be expanded upon allowing the poor victim to get a more accurate depiction of their Romeo or Juliet.

Here’s another, the question about your drinking habits which usually include choices such as:

A. not a drinker
B. drink occasionally
C. social drinker
D. drink several times a week

We all know that most people are going to reply to B or C, knowing good and damn well they are grossly down playing how often they’re kissing that bottle of Jack Daniels or Grey Goose. Instead, maybe it should ask something like:

A. How often do you find yourself waking up and not remembering anything
B. How many times you’ve blown a .12 or higher
Or (yes, this has happened)
C. How many mandatory classes you’ve been ordered to take?

I’m just saying… the types of questions presented for online dating profiles should ALL be based on real life situations, actual thoughts etc…

I must say this, however; I was pleasantly surprised by seeing one that was pretty direct for the “What are you seeking” question and along with short-term and long-term dating and activity partner was Fuc_ buddy!

Okay, not exactly but it did list CASUAL SEX as an option! Shut the front door! Really? Now this should be a no brainer for anyone looking for long walks on the beach and a ring in six months and they receive a message of interest from Jack Boner who’s profile says “Magnum, XXL”.

What I have found is that all of these sites offer something for a particular type of clientele. Plenty of Fish, for instance makes their questions really basic, you know, for basic people. The toughest profile question they offer might be something like “I know Los Angeles is in California”. eHarmony may have something a little more challenging for the ‘serious’ daters they hope to attract so their question might be “10,000 ways to avoid being caught in a lie” and of course, require ten steps before you can access and read the question, followed by twenty clicks before revealing the answer.

Toughen up the questions, make people reveal a little more and hopefully help in weeding out the good ones, from the maybe’s from the hell no’s.

Assuming people are truthful, of course…

Alright, rant is over. Now, it is with great pleasure that I share one of the profiles I have just received notice from who (gasp) chose ME. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet, Captain Douchero:

His summary: “Hey there babe, buy me a drink.”

About him and what he wants in life: “I don’t really wear glasses. I’m really good at
Running to the future.”

Something people notice about him: “I’m running right past them. So – a fast blur?”

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: “THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD!”

What you might find me doing on a Friday night: ” I am naked in the back of a police car.”

Something I’m willing to share: “There’s a sex tape or two of me with a blow up doll floating around on the internet; I’m a republican, I lost my virginity when I was 28, to my sisters best friend, in the back seat of a police car, at night…”

Need I say more?

Now obviously, some of these answers are in jest as this man makes a mockery of the dating profile. Could he actually be an interestingly great guy with an odd sense of humor? Sure. Am I willing to take a chance based on what I’ve read to find out? Absolutely not.

Until there’s a cure…

I’m back!

This was a productive weekend, and aside from feeling like I was dying last night from what was likely food poisoning, I had a pretty good one.

Last night, while leaving from a Cinco de Mayo/Fight Party suare’ (and looking casually hot, I might add), a young man happened to be walking in the same direction as I was. A little on the short side, but he was nice enough and struck up a conversation as we strolled to the car.

I’m thinking he looks a little on the young side, but talked like he had some sense and wasn’t putting down any extreme “macking” strategies. Bonus? He was an easy-going guy and was able to elicit several genuine chuckles out of me as we joked about boxing and basketball.

So far, so good.

We arrive at my car and we do the number exchange, he finally lets on that he graduated from high school when I graduated from COLLEGE! Really???

But don’t worry, I know better than to shoot someone down based on age alone, so as soon as he wished me a safe trip to my second destination, away I drove.

So here’s why I’m writing in between getting dressed.

A few moments ago, I received the follow up from last night’s encounter – a god damn text!!!!

Seriously?

That is more annoying to me than you would ever know, and I guess its my fault that I didn’t tell this youngster that his contact should be a telephone call but come on. Have we really lost it when it comes to communicating with someone you just met?

Ugh.

I don’t mean to be picky or contrite, but I have yet to decide if I’m even going to respond.

Oh yeah – Friday night? I finally did it. Took the plunge and signed up on a new dating site, so of course, I’ll be back to share more.

I’m off to see the Avengers! Maybe I’ll get lucky and meet a teenager this time! Ha!

Carmen

I’m not sure what has come over me lately, but since having given up any potential ANYTHING with the lingering hangovers, my hormones have been on overload. More like on speed. Or even meth.

So while one part of me is contemplating the dive back into the world of dating tonight, another part of me is saying “Last week needs to be an encore”.

Hmm…

As I struggle with deciding which of the goodies in my top drawer I’ll end up with, the color I love the most ends up being the winner – purple. Satin.

But wait just a moment, I’m jumping ahead a hit. Here is what a woman is thinking when she’s feeling freaky, ready for pleasing and multiple orgasmic adventures for herself and her partner.

Tonight, Papi is coming to me and as I await his arrival I realize there is actually a process to preparing for sex. Sometimes. For some women. At least those of us who like to make it more than just an act, but more of an art. Here’s what I realized the ritual may consist of…

The shower:

Oh you better believe this isn’t just any shower when preparing for a naughty night. Women take extra care in washing up, especially the cookie jar and will likely lather up her entire body three or four times.

Yes, I said a shower. Unless you’re only up for a quick session, a bath is like cancer to my libido. Standing, with water running all over your body does a little something extra and of course – if you have the removable shower head? Well, you can use your imagination for that.

The body cream:

Applying the favorite Bath & Body works or body butter is purely a treat to a woman’s body. It’s like how a man might feel when waxing his new car. Slow and methodical, taking care to ensure no surface is left untouched and again, taking extra care of certain areas. We are mentally preparing for what is about to happen, and something as simple as applying lotion or cream is a form of foreplay. Believe it.

Lingerie:

I don’t know if the types of men I’ve been involved with simply adore bare flesh or what, but the matching bra and panties thing is SO over rated. Yet here I am pondering which set to wear knowing that from the moment the door opens, they will be snapped off and pulled down. Still, if we actually have an opportunity to prepare, women will always choose the sexiest and most feminine attire to put on.

My toughest decision? Shoes.

Tonight will I will be playing the character of an exotic dancer and Papi will be my best customer.

Body is fresh and glistening, just a dab of gloss and hair is tousled just a bit. Music is going.

A good man will recognize the fruits of a woman’s labor. He might compliment her on the lacy bra, sexy panties or skin that feels silky to the touch. He may compliment you on your inviting smell or simply nuzzle his nose in the nape of her neck.

I’m ready for a little C.A.N. – Carmen Appreciation Night.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers, until I am blissfully in love or at least enjoying a drama free dating life, I’ll be enjoying the ride.

Carmen

“My wife filed for divorce today and I don’t know it yet. To all my friends – I have been cheating on my wife for three years…. This is what Facebook will do to weak people.”

Damn.

It was past my bedtime and as I went back to Facebook to comment on a reply to one of my posts, hit the home button instead and BAM! This was the message I saw posted on my friend John’s* page. I stopped for a second and said out loud “What the hell?? This must be a joke” but when I clicked his profile, I realized it was far from being a joke.

As I quickly scanned the page, I noticed several other posts and two things immediately jumped out at me: first, that one of the previous posts actually had the name of the woman John was planning on sleeping with during his 2 week break from military deployment. Second, the grammar was horrible and I know John was a pretty decent speller, plus these posts were written in ALL CAPS.

A light bulb turned on.

This wasn’t John writing this confession of his indiscretions or admissions of how badly he’s screwed things up. It was his wife.

That light bulb got a little brighter- Another UFT – Unauthorized Facebook Takeover.

Soon, everything started to make sense and the poor souls who were commenting and telling John to “take this mess off of his profile”, “pray for forgiveness” and “try working things out to salvage his family”, didn’t realize it wasn’t him until much later. In fact, it wasn’t until one of his male friends said “Uh… A man would never do anything like this and if he did, he would NOT mention any names. This must be his wife.”

We will never know why this woman needed to take it there or how in the world she gained access to his password, but its obvious that she sure as hell found whatever she was looking for. Access to all of the Facebook messages he had sent or received, seeing his plans with “several” women, including the one she outed (using her first AND last name) in a wall post. The wife had seen everything and made it a point to go through all of John’s previous wall posts as well.

So as I’m reading through 50+ comments to the fake confession, something else came to mind- the types of messages John would sometimes send to me. For a married man or one who is in a committed relationship, he was a little too friendly at times for me. Such that he wasn’t that far from being the next in line for deletion, but once I ignored him enough time, he got the message that I was not entertaining whatever he was trying to develop via Facebook.

Light bulb is burning pretty warm right now. Is this how he started with this woman or the other women? A “Wow, you look sexy in that new photo” or “You make a brother weak in the knees looking at you; not the types of messages I would consider innocent banter. I wondered what she thought of his messages to me?

There are so many other things that come to mind and yes, the bottom line is that he c-h-e-a-t-e-d.

John was, as his wife posted “weak”, and used Facebook as a catalyst for being unfaithful. While several of his friends commented that no one should be judging him unless they were God, I’m not understanding where the judgment comes in. For three years, he had been unfaithful to his wife and while she’s waiting for her honey to return home from somewhere in the middle east, John is making plans for a fluid exchange festival with another woman. Who’s judging? Its wrong, period.

This man may have thought his messages to lord know how many women were innocent, when in reality he was committing the act of cyber cheating.

Did Facebook really enable John to cheat more easily than if he was NOT on there? Oh hell yes! A man in the military who often, has more time on his hands to just surf and browse for women’s profiles? Yes, Facebook makes it easier. People are more accessible and it is easy to do and for some reason, I think people who initiate, plan and follow through on cheating somehow think they’re invincible.

The Guilty Party: John, the cheater.

He was weak and demonstrated a lack of good judgment and of course, completely ruined the concepts associated with his wedding vows. You know the silly little things like being FAITHFUL, COMMITMENT and TRUST.

For men and women like him who are using Facebook or any other type of social media to increase your exposure to people but in the wrong way, cut it out.

Stop making excuses that the woman or man you’re involved with needs to be confident and not intimidated by the number of friends you may have. Are you naive or even stupid enough to think that having nearly 70% of your friends on Facebook consist of the opposite sex is not a little risky or tempting?

John’s wife posted that she had mentioned to him that Facebook. She even added that she had told him recently that this social media outlet was not needed and would only lead to problems in the end. While it is certainly true that he could have relied on the good old telephone (calling or texting) to do his dirt, John’s accessibility to a computer was easier most of the time. Besides, he could easily view photos and wall pots to check on his “women”.

If you are married or in a relationship do you really believe think that stalking person’s profile to get a rundown on everything they’ve been doing, then in-boxing and asking if she enjoyed the party or activity? Do you really think comments to their in box about how sexy a photo looked is harmless?

If people like John are truly trying to say that this is all just harmless dialogue, then why the hell are you doing it behind he scenes?

Surely, I could go on and on. We know it’s wrong but I would be willing to bet that as I’m writing this, a man (or woman) somewhere is having some inappropriate in box dialogue that will likely result in a mashing of body fluids later.

Oh, but what about the wife?

She’s not being let off the hook.

The obvious is that she was wrong, wrong, wrong for accessing the man’s account. Completely wrong. She probably had no idea she would find all that she would about John’s philandering’s so in a way, the hurt, pain, anger and frustration was self-inflicted.

Putting all of her business out there for all 426 (yes, the wifey pointed out the number he could rely on when SHE was done with him) of his friends to see made her look silly, immature and irrational. Posting as if it was him, impersonating another person?

Yes, all bad. Making this God-fearing, church going family man who was well loved and respected look like the devil’s spawn? Man, if anything, she did the most damage here.

Still, I have a certain level of sympathy and understanding. Four years ago, I was that same seemingly raving lunatic on a mission to draw blood. I didn’t go looking for anything and had no reason to believe that my boyfriend at the time was being anything but truthful. Let’s just say the information fell in my lap. MY laptop, that is.

When I realized I had the key to the world – translation, access to Mr. Jekyll’s Facebook AND Hotmail account, I reacted the exact same way as THIS woman. I did the EXACT same thing.

I’m not condoning this woman’s actions and I certainly cannot blame Facebook for John’s actions but again…. I understand.

I guess one day I should share how it went down for me…

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen

I guess the title is a little unfair to Facebook, right?

If you are caught cheating because of the evidence found by your wife after reading your in box messages, it is the person to blame isn’t it?

I’m a little too worn out to fully share what I’ve just witnessed but I’ll tell you two things:

First, I can totally understand how this friend’s wife is feeling but damn… The things women do when we’re pissed and hurt can be a quite extreme.

Two, this makes me remember my personal experience with a cyber cheater whose Facebook in box revealed who the real person was.

Dating hangovers, marriage hangovers… They are felt by far too many people.

Carmen

So I’m a little off schedule; while I have a short two week break before school reconvenes, I was supposed to be creating an account. Yes, firing up old sparky and opening an online dating account. Instead, I’ve been busy doing everything else in between.

Tonight, certainly being the bonus at the end of an amazingly exciting week with what else? A little booty.

While I’m waiting to get back out there and meet my future ex-boyfriend, why not indulge in what my girl E calls WMS – wanting and meaningless sex?

A few quick “Where are you”, “What are your plans the rest of the evening” text messages and the final “How long until I see you”, and I had made it from Orange County to Ladera Heights in about 20 minutes. (Locals, you already know that drive it at least double that; those who know me know my driving skills).

He hears me pull up, and as I strut up the driveway, I see the door is already open. I’m greeted by two – Papi, shirt off revealing his impeccable body and a devilish and then there was also Brick (I’m sure you can figure this one out)

I can’t remember at what point the door was closed, because as soon as I set foot inside the door, and briefly greeted Brick, my mouth, breasts and everything else was explored as if seeing me for the very first time.

Aye Papi.

In a matter of seconds, my clothes seemed to disappear into thin air, the 4inch heels being the very last thing to go. I chuckled after he finished undressing me saying “this is why I wasn’t concerned that my bra and panties weren’t matching tonight”. His reply? “I just want to see you, watch your silhouette, I would have rather you come without any at all”.

Hmm, yes. The talking is part of the foreplay.

In a matter of minutes, the game began like a hungry man who hadn’t eaten a meal in weeks, he ate. I shivered and moaned while biting my bottom lip; I made sure he groaned, moaned and had a very happy ending.

Papi was part of my “Best I Ever Had” for a reason. And no- he isn’t a hangover; we realized we were best as fuc_ buddies and left it at that. 14 years and counting…

Why the hell not experienced an orgasmic stupor?

At least..

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen

Oh how I love the random posts found on Facebook, and today’s came in the form of “Question of the Day”. Why a married woman is interested in knowing this is beyond me unless she’s just curious, but the responses shared is what piqued my interest.

Ground breaking? No. New revelations not previously known? Of course not. Was I surprised that nearly all of the respondents were women? Absolutely, positively not.

Here are a few…

- “Living in Atlanta!”. I’ve heard this many times before from friends who live there, as well as from media reports. The ratio of men to women in this ‘hot spot’ is ridiculously unbalanced and I was even told that I should never consider moving there unless I was coming with a beau or husband in tow. Even then, I better beware because of the barracudas that would be ready to pounce on that new meat!

- “A woman not telling you what she really wants and one who will be the same person before and after sex”. This man even added that women seem to be bipolar, ever changing in personalities. I completely agree and have always made it a point to tell the men I meet if I am ready for marriage, a carriage and a picket fence or just an activity and fun buddy.

- “Finding a man who actually wants to DATE”. This is a big one because some people have lost the concept of dating. Asking “can I come through and kick it” or “Let’s hang out” is NOT dating. It’s hanging out or fuc*ing, nothing more.

- “The I don’t need a man type of woman”. Fair enough, there are plenty of women out there but come on fellas, many of them are full of it. It’s bad enough these types of women have likely been doing it on their own, been in bad dating situations and single for so long to the point where they might act like this. The reality is that while many will prance around singing silly songs like “Independent Woman”, when the partying, wine tasting and books club meetings are over, they’re taking their lonely butts home crying in a pillow wishing it was a man instead. Mainly fronting, but I agree – this type of woman can be a complete turn off!

- “Folks keeping it real”. As much as I hate hearing this phrase, it is a reality. The reply I just posted to this thread said there were two main reasons for the dating woes – dishonesty and separate agendas. What is the number one complaint from someone when they say why things didn’t work out? “I didn’t know…” Or “He/She never told me…”. Someone either “forgot” or failed to fess up about a girlfriend/boyfriend, wife, kid(s), that car or home they really don’t have, they really don’t like kids, not interested in a relationship/are interested in a relationship, want marriage/don’t want marriage etc… The separate agendas can be closely tied with the first reason, because when you’re not up front with each other your are most certainly going to be expecting two different results.

- “How about just GETTING a date?”. Yep, I’m feeling this one too. Why are so many people resorting to online dating, versus meeting men and women organically? I can testify to the affect that some men have forgotten how it works. Seriously, it’s like they’re wondering what should happen if you see a woman you would like to get to know. Just last week while out having drinks, my girl Kim and I noticed clusters of men at a local spot and she says “I don’t get it; all of these men just standing around in circles. They are glancing around at women, and you can tell some of them are interested but no one is making a move”. Now of course, the reasons can range from them being married or in relationships and are just “lookie loos”. Or maybe they’re waiting for that right moment, eye contact or whatever. What does it take for them to actually walk over to a woman, say hello and strike up a conversation? It’s like they’re stuck or something. In fact, the very next day I had a man approach me and say “You are extremely attractive; I have been watching you all day and finally had to come over and tell you this…”. Really? All day? Sigh.

How about this as a solution to the dating woes?

The next time any of us in the single bucket meets up with a person, take your list of “10 Things I hate About Dating” with you and swap list. I know, I know – then doesn’t allow for very much so you better make them the good ones and most important. My theory is if the two of you have similar items OR can agree on at least half of what the other wrote, you might have a chance.

IF instead you are giving each other the stinky eye that says “What’s wrong with that” or “That’s stupid, this is how we are”, it is safe to say that you’re better off moving on.

Sounds elementary, but let’s face it- all of these adult men and women who think they have gained wisdom in their years are completely clueless when it comes to dating.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen

Oh how I love the random posts found on Facebook, and today’s came in the form of “Question of the Day”. Why a married woman is interested in knowing this is beyond me unless she’s just curious, but the responses shared is what piqued my interest.

Ground breaking? No. New revelations not previously known? Of course not. Was I surprised that nearly all of the respondents were women? Absolutely, positively not.

Here are a few…

- “Living in Atlanta!”. I’ve heard this many times before from friends who live there, as well as from media reports. The ratio of men to women in this ‘hot spot’ is ridiculously unbalanced and I was even told that I should never consider moving there unless I was coming with a beau or husband in tow. Even then, I better beware because of the barracudas that would be ready to pounce on that new meat!

- “A woman not telling you what she really wants and one who will be the same person before and after sex”. This man even added that women seem to be bipolar, ever changing in personalities. I completely agree and have always made it a point to tell the men I meet if I am ready for marriage, a carriage and a picket fence or just an activity and fun buddy.

- “Finding a man who actually wants to DATE”. This is a big one because some people have lost the concept of dating. Asking “can I come through and kick it” or “Let’s hang out” is NOT dating. It’s hanging out or fuc*ing, nothing more.

- “The I don’t need a man type of woman”. Fair enough, there are plenty of women out there but come on fellas, many of them are full of it. It’s bad enough these types of women have likely been doing it on their own, been in bad dating situations and single for so long to the point where they might act like this. The reality is that while many will prance around singing silly songs like “Independent Woman”, when the partying, wine tasting and books club meetings are over, they’re taking their lonely butts home crying in a pillow wishing it was a man instead. Mainly fronting, but I agree – this type of woman can be a complete turn off!

- “Folks keeping it real”. As much as I hate hearing this phrase, it is a reality. The reply I just posted to this thread said there were two main reasons for the dating woes – dishonesty and separate agendas. What is the number one complaint from someone when they say why things didn’t work out? “I didn’t know…” Or “He/She never told me…”. Someone either “forgot” or failed to fess up about a girlfriend/boyfriend, wife, kid(s), that car or home they really don’t have, they really don’t like kids, not interested in a relationship/are interested in a relationship, want marriage/don’t want marriage etc… The separate agendas can be closely tied with the first reason, because when you’re not up front with each other your are most certainly going to be expecting two different results.

- “How about just GETTING a date?”. Yep, I’m feeling this one too. Why are so many people resorting to online dating, versus meeting men and women organically? I can testify to the affect that some men have forgotten how it works. Seriously, it’s like they’re wondering what should happen if you see a woman you would like to get to know. Just last week while out having drinks, my girl Kim and I noticed clusters of men at a local spot and she says “I don’t get it; all of these men just standing around in circles. They are glancing around at women, and you can tell some of them are interested but no one is making a move”. Now of course, the reasons can range from them being married or in relationships and are just “lookie loos”. Or maybe they’re waiting for that right moment, eye contact or whatever. What does it take for them to actually walk over to a woman, say hello and strike up a conversation? It’s like they’re stuck or something. In fact, the very next day I had a man approach me and say “You are extremely attractive; I have been watching you all day and finally had to come over and tell you this…”. Really? All day? Sigh.

How about this as a solution to the dating woes?

The next time any of us in the single bucket meets up with a person, take your list of “10 Things I hate About Dating” with you and swap list. I know, I know – then doesn’t allow for very much so you better make them the good ones and most important. My theory is if the two of you have similar items OR can agree on at least half of what the other wrote, you might have a chance.

IF instead you are giving each other the stinky eye that says “What’s wrong with that” or “That’s stupid, this is how we are”, it is safe to say that you’re better off moving on.

Sounds elementary, but let’s face it- all of these adult men and women who think they have gained wisdom in their years are completely clueless when it comes to dating.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen

Christian Singles is waiting for me to meet a few of their men who will have shared values and beliefs.

Match.com is enticing me to come back. Why? They are responsible for more relationships and marriages than any other site.

EHarmony is promising to get me together with “the one”. How? With a questionaire that is extensive enough to be used for applying to a government job, they figure you have a better chance at weeding out the undesirables.

Black People Meet? Hell, they don’t have any fancy slogans or catch phrases, they simply ask if I want to search singles in my area.

Let me not forget about a newcomer to the dating site world- Our Time.com, the premier site for the empty nesters, baby boomers, widows, AARP members and everything in between.

In the last couple of weeks, my junk mail box has been bombarded with messages from each and every one of these.

Sure, there are a few of the popular ones like Zoosk, Okcupid and the infamous dating web site that likely has the most douchebags of them all – Plenty of Fish.

But there’s one I was a little disappointed not to have seen, the one called “The Site Where Profiles Are Real, Men are honest and up front and Are Not Just Using The Word Dating as a Cover Up for An Escort Service”. I know, I must have bumped my head but a girl can be hopeful right?

Not to say that any web site can offer a better outcome than my dealings with any of my former failures, but I think I’m ready to get back out there.

The wait is over.

While I certainly needed the healing time after one of the worst hangovers yet (thanks again Rescue), I also waited to start dating because I was waiting for someone to put some action to his words and make a move. The interest was there, a friendship and agreement that “we would be great” together so it made sense to try.

No other details needed on why the “we” ended up like a box of fireworks but without any fuses- dead.

So in a matter of a few weeks, I’ll have a break from school and time for some new opportunities.

I’m back!

Carmen~

If You Have To Keep Wondering Where You Stand With Someone, Then Maybe It’s Time To Stop Standing & Start Walking…

I know, it has been a while and came up for air for a moment.

Interesting how the person who shared this with me is the one who should have this same message posted to his bathroom mirror. To be read over and over and over again.

I’m done with men.
All of the good men are taken.
I would rather be alone.
I’m going to date ____ men.
I’m going to play for the other team.

Any of these sound familiar?

If you’re a woman old enough to have experienced enough disappointment and heartache, you’ve probably said one or two, and more than likely, you grumbled all of them.

If you’re a man, you’ve likely heard all of them far too often and yes – these comments may have been directed at you. You also may have thought or said “maybe it is you and not the men”, when hearing these cliche’ comments but how about that last one?

That is the one I’ve been hearing the most as of late and thought damn, things are really bad.

“My luck with men is just horrible, I guess I need to go play for the other team”. This was a friend’s Facebook status a few weeks back, and while we joked about it, I wondered how much of that thread was a joke and how much of it was REAL.

Does a history of crappy relationships and flings with men lead a woman to turn to another woman? Can a woman’s traditional sense of the roles in relationships be flip flopped just like that out of sheer frustration?

I’m guessing it can and yes- I have had moments where I was completely at my wits end and figured (a) dating outside of my race was needed or (b) try women. Call it my beliefs or just a programmed mind, but the second option was immediately snuffed out as an absolute non-option.

Here’s what I think may be 5 reasons why women may say to hell with men and say yes to the breasts:

1. Hopelessness.

This one seems to be the most obvious, while many of my friends and I have joked about it, there’s probably some consideration from most.

Why not?

I’ll admit, after the last three relationships I felt as if I would rather be alone instead of dealing with so much disappointment again. Yet, just like with my friend, those thoughts are only temporary once the sting has worn off and you realize being alone is NOT what you want. So what does a woman do? Consider other options, that’s what.

We look at inter-racial dating if we think our pool is tainted, we look at older/older men and some of us even lower our standards a bit and go for the types of men we wouldn’t ordinarily consider. Or…experiment with another woman.

2. Curiosity.

What is it like to be with another woman? Will she treat me better because she knows what a woman wants? Can I actually do it?

I remember from my online dating history, I would often receive messages and attempts to connect from other women. My profiles were always quite clear nearly screaming “strictly dic_ly”, but oh, they certainly kept trying. The response I would get each time I politely explained I was interested in men only? “Have you ever tried? You can’t knock something until you’ve tried it”.

I’m not knocking any of the women who have tried it or are in relationships with women, but I can come up with more solid reasons for why this wouldn’t work for me than any curiosity could quell.

3. They are lesbian, plain and simple.

I would take a guess that half of the women leaving men alone have felt the attraction and desire to be with another woman for quite some time, so after enough bad experiences with men figured this was meant to be.

4. They are bisexual.

Bisexuality is an interesting behavior that can either be real or fake. The real interest in both women and men can simply be that they are turned on by what encompasses a woman – the femininity, the beauty. In fact, there are studies that allude to the fact that a woman’s gender and sexuality can be fluid; changing their roles depending on who they are with. Also, a little dabbling here and there such as at a swingers party or fooling around with a friend may have given a woman a sense of awareness of her attraction to the same sex. Yet at the same time, she still has the desire for a man and is purely interested in variety.

The fakes? Well, these are the women (normally younger, immature) who say these things, act them out and play the part all to turn men on. Oh yes, we know how they’re always interested in a menage a trois with two women. Mention it involving two MEN and all bets are off. As one of my male confidant’s like to say “Men are more interested in a carpet muncher and not sword fighting with another man”.

Last but not least…

5. They long for an emotional connection.

I totally get this. The interest in being with another woman makes sense because we are one in the same. We understand each other’s moods, the need to be comforted, to have someone who listens and really (or at least acts like it) understands.
Possible, right?

Women have valid reasons based on what we’ve gone through dating the opposite sex to have a sour feelings, right?

There haven’t been any conclusive studies or anything that I’ve seen, but it is a fact – the landscape of dating and relationships is constantly changing.

Gone are the traditional ideas of dating. Those of us who are truly honest with ourselves know good and damn well- being alone is not what we really want. While you may be harping about being single and drama free, doing your own thing, when you’re at home and in bed A-L-O-N-E, reality sets in.

So what’s a woman to do?

The bottom line is this – if men really were all that bad, there would be no straight women.

Two fist pumps in the air for those who are looking to trade teams and give up the Derek Fisher for Sheryl Swoops.

I’m going to have to stay with my current team, Team Penis!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Queen Victoria, Halle Berry, Heather Mills (Paul McCartney’s ex), singer Pink, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Jennifer Hudson and most recently, Chrissy Lampkin (reality tv star) have all done it.

These women have said to hell with tradition or waiting on a man who may have been dragging his feet and proposed.

For those of you who didn’t know, it is not only Leap Day but is something called Sadie Hawkins Day – the day where it is accepted in many parts of the world for women to propose to men.

I know what you may be thinking when hearing about women who have to step up and take their relationships to this level- DESPERATE.

But is it really and why propose on a leap year/day?

Well, because leap is an anomoly. The fact that this day which is often considered “not a real day” is already such a variation from the norm, it makes this seemingly non-traditional action of women taking on the role meant for men acceptable.

I was curious on how this all began, and it seems to have started from one of several tales from way back when. I did a little digging and stumbled on one that says the proposals began like this:

The legend goes that St. Bridget of Ireland was frustrated that all the non-nun ladies in 5th century Ireland had to sit around waiting for proposals that might never come.

She complained about it to St. Patrick who, probably impressed by Bridget’s ability to turn her used bath water into beer, finally proclaimed that women could have the chance to propose themselves once every four years on the leap day. This became known as “The Ladies’ Privilege.”

As silly as it may sound, it stuck and the idea of a woman proposing seems to come around every leap year.

How the name Sadie Hawkins came to be was loosely based on the Irish version from what I can tell, but her version is a little more colorful which goes like this:

In Li’l Abner, Sadie Hawkins was the daughter of one of Dogpatch’s earliest settlers, Hekzebiah Hawkins. The “homeliest gal in all them hills”, she grew frantic waiting for suitors to come a-courtin’. When she reached the age of 35, still a spinster, her father was even more frantic—about Sadie living at home for the rest of her life. In desperation, he called together all the unmarried men of Dogpatch and declared it “Sadie Hawkins Day”.

Specifically, a foot race was decreed, with Sadie in hot pursuit of the town’s eligible bachelors—and matrimony as the consequence.

If a woman caught a bachelor and dragged him, kicking and screaming, across the finish line before sundown—by law he had to marry her!

Sadie Hawkins Day was first mentioned in the November 15, 1937 Li’l Abner daily strip

Hmm…

Now I wouldn’t exactly call “kicking and screaming” a joyous occasion for the groom to be, so a good old fashioned dinner with some candles and the ring surely comes across better.

At the end of the day, I’m sure women would much rather await the more traditional methods of a marriage proposal, but I’m okay with a variation.

Some men think that dating for 5 or 10 years is completely acceptable. They think that having one, two or three children together out of wedlock is fine because “you did it out of love”. Others feel as if sharing expenses, doing each others laundry and easing the tax load is just the same when shacking up as being married so why bother.

I say sometimes you have to take the bulls by the balls and lead him to the fence.

Ladies, you have less than 12 hours.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones