Break Ups, My Dating Hangovers, Relationship 101, Settling or Compromising?, The Non Committal Man or Woman, THIS is Why I'm Single!, When you're dating your ex

Time to refocus

Remember what I said a few days ago about feeling constipated?  Well today I’m feeling like I’ve popped a few lower bowel supplements and am ready to share what’s been clogging my mind for the last couple of days.

This will likely be a long one and will probably be part of a chapter in a book I’ll write, so for now, let’s just say that constipation has developed into a bad case of the runs.

First, let me just say this – dating SUCKS.

Whether it’s casual, working towards something serious or in a full blown committed relationship, I sometimes feel the amount of work and effort needed is simply too much for me.  I think many might agree that every now and then a person comes into your life and it is really, really hard to let them go and walk away.

Good on Paper (“GOP”) is that one for me.

I messed up because I allowed myself to become emotionally attached with. He was just supposed to be the cut buddy who would satisfy my mission: to spend my free time in the company of someone who I was attracted to purely based on his physical form and get my world rocked whenever I wanted it.

No strings attached, no need for regular contact, no need to discuss anything outside of “what time should I be there?”

His purpose:  to be readily available like d on demand, and come with the stamina to enjoy several rounds and understand that after it’s over, he must gather his things and exit stage left.

I still remember the night this arrangement was made, it was March of last year and I’d asked him to meet me for a late night breakfast as I asked him if he was up to fulfilling my mission and serving his purpose weekly and he replied yes, he was up to it and wanted it.

Funny how I was expecting to hear something other than “Okay, sure, I’d love to see you” when I contacted him since it had been since 2007 when we last spoke and at that time, I didn’t exactly end our communications in a polite way. Here I am doing it again nearly a year later doing the same thing.

Only this time, I’m for real.  I think.  So how did this hangover come to be?

The Beginning

GOP and I met casually at a local carwash and while I was fussing at my little one who was trying to hit me up for more arcade game money, he joked that I was acting like a typical Mom and told me to stop giving the kid a hard time.

We laughed and ensued in some small talk and later, we exchanged numbers to keep in touch.  Telephone calls followed and we seemed to have a lot in common – don’t you just love the energy you feel when you’re in the newness phase of getting to know someone?

We clicked, we talked, text and e-mail and soon, a date was planned and from that night of our follow up meeting we both noticed the undeniable physical attraction and chemistry we had with each other. So it was no surprise that the night ended with a hot and heavy kissing and grinding session.  From there, we continued on the path of learning more about each other but then soon reverted to the home dates.

You know the “I just want to see you for a minute because I miss you” visits which ultimately led to more of those sessions and we then both admitted that the inevitable would happen one day very soon.

Alas, I started learning more and more about this man and realized aside from having been divorced with three children (one of them only three-  yikes!), he was a pretty good candidate for “something”.

I gave him this title because he was very smart not only in academics (is pursuing his second master’s degree), but full of common sense and street smarts.  GOP can converse about nearly everything and is well traveled, conscious about finances and decisions needed to be where he wants to be in life and was driven and has a great sense of humor.  Oh, and yes I saved the last detail for last – he is an extremely good looking man.  How could I resist him?

Okay, so you’re probably wondering what happened next and why wasn’t I pursuing anything with him?

Well, before I could get to that point (though I should mention neither of us mentioned what WE sought specifically in the beginning) he did what happens all too often with men, they fall off.

He became inconsistent and I became uninterested in because I refuse to resort to the desperado actions by asking why he hadn’t called. I didn’t care to know when I was going to see him again.

Instead, I did what I often do to men, began focusing my attention on other options like whether he should be dropped him like a bad habit or simply downgraded to a whenever man.

The Middle

Fast forward to our late night breakfast conversation at 3am, and while were talking about our failed relationships, I tell GOP that I’m not interested in trying another relationship and wanted to avoid the type of heartbreak I’d experienced and offered the position of the f@$% buddy.  I explained there were no strings attached and told him how often I expected to see him for THAT purpose and he happily obliged saying he was ready to go.  So after our meal, we sealed the deal and believe me when I tell you it was worth the wait.

Like the best thoroughbred at the Kentucky Derby, the horses were off to a great start!  Perfectly timed contacts, arrangements made to meet up after I had my time to play and party and Carmen was a happy girl.

You know I am dying to give you the details since this hangover is officially ready for the archives, but I’ll save those goods for my forthcoming Top 10 List of lovers.  Still, I can’t emphasize enough how satisfied I was with my encounters with GOP because he made sure that every nerve in my body was left with a tingle.

A couple of weeks have passed and everything is going pretty well and of course, I’m a happy camper because I’m having my cake and eating it too; I still have the occasional date here and there and since nothing had really materialized into anything with these men, my dealings with GOP satisfied my urges for any physical contact.

While I began to notice he’d started doing a few things that weren’t part of the FB agreement such as calling me outside of asking when we were getting together, I didn’t mind.  Nor did I think anything of the texts and e-mails that seemed to come a little more frequently and though they really consisted of the basic good morning, how are you and a little sexting, it was okay because he was an enjoyable person to talk to and correspond with.

No harm no foul, right?

Then it happens as I mentioned earlier, the consistency stops.   Our encounters went from twice a week to once a week, followed by once every two weeks.  Sometimes I would communicate with him, sometimes I wouldn’t but then there was a peak when the phone calls increased in frequency.

This part was confusing but then they would stop and start up again.   You see, I understand and know the differences between being involved with a friend with benefits/FB, casually dating, seriously dating and being in a committed relationship with someone and I also know of the things and actions (or lack thereof) that comes with each of them.

 

I soon realized that GOP was blurring the lines so I called him on it and told him, quite blatantly that I didn’t know what his purpose really was any longer.   I told him he couldn’t seem to screw me on a regular basis, so why was he there?

This is when he tells me as we sat on the edge of my bed having this discussion we should NOT need to have and says:

“Has it ever occurred to you that I am interested in more than just that?  Sex isn’t something that I just have to have.  I’m interested in you and I like you because you are a great woman.  So what do you think about that?”

Sound the alarm, Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!!!  Emergency, lost brain on the floor, lost brain on the floor.

Yes, this is exactly what my mind was doing; flipping the hell out because it wasn’t expected at all but was something that I surely would consider.

What’s funny about this is that most women are guilty of switching gears like this, but this was a man doing it and yes, I did think about what he had to say and agreed to give it a try.  So as we sat there acknowledging that the two of us had been withholding feelings for each other that went a little beyond the physical connection, I explained that if we were going to try dating each other it needed to be for real adding that I was interested in a long-term relationship and shared my ultimate goal for a life partner.

GOP agreed, so we started communicating more, enjoyed many wonderful dates and will live happily ever after.

Nearing the End

One thing I say about this man is that he was consistently inconsistent.  Of course nothing became of that conversation, and what I began seeing was a side of him that I didn’t understand and began to hate.  He was all talk, lip service and no action.  Sure, we communicated more and saw each other more but what he failed to mention when offering up himself for a dating and relationship strategy, is that his personal life (ugly custody battle, long hours working and more) wouldn’t really allow him to do anything more than he’d been doing.

There weren’t any dates, instead I received the updates about the time he was spending at his children’s sport activities or some family functions.  We would talk about work and different projects he was working on and though I tried to give him an out and attempted to transfer him back to the friend realm, each time I’d mentioned this was met with the disappointed reply of “so you really just want to be friends and that’s it?”

Well no, I really didn’t so I continued to be the understanding woman and while I have a child of my own and have to deal with the regular demands of life, was expected to accept his shortcomings and why he wasn’t able to spend more time because in his mind, the magnitude of his issues somehow outweighed mine.

Seriously?

From the time we reconnected in March until August, I’d pretty much surmised that GOP was a lost cause and slowly began pulling away.  The physical relations continued and thank goodness, there was no affect on those great times but the more I dealt with him I felt like I was being sucked deeper and deeper into a black hole of emotions.  With each text, email and lengthy conversation with him about us (though there really wasn’t an “us”), complaining of any unfulfilled promises from him I was becoming that woman you hate hearing about.

You know the one who continues to deal with a man, complains about him, gets upset with him only to start dealing with him again and start the unhealthy cycle of up and down emotions all over again?  Yes, that was me.  So one night after being stood up by him, I called and left a detailed message telling him where he could go and then implemented a No Contact Rule.  I ignored any and all attempts from him to contact me and moved on.

I’ve noticed many people say that one of the best ways to get over someone is to move on and start up a new relationship right away.

This can’t be any further from the opposite and is bad, bad, bad.  Any way you look at it, you’re rebounding and I believe time is the only thing that can help you to get on with your life.  I don’t know if I can blame karma, bad luck or cupid playing a joke on me, but the relationship I got in just a few weeks after my NCR was enforced was one of the WORST ever.

Three Strikes Your Out

I can’t say or even try to explain how I let him back into my life again, especially me being the type who has only given a man a second chance ONCE in my life but I did.

About a week or two after I ended things with my ex-boyfriend, GOP contacted me and so the merry-go-round began again.  I won’t deny my feelings, I loved him although I wasn’t  necessarily in love so this time around I decided to handle him with the whatever happens, happens approach.

While he took a selfish position feeling I shouldn’t be dating anyone if I was supposedly interested (again) in wanting to make something happen with him, I continued my ventures with on-line dating anyway.

Fast forwarding and sparing the details in between, come New Years Eve, I’d decided I didn’t want to take the same $hit into 2011 so I sent GOP a simple text saying –

“Here’s your out.  You’ve done nothing to convince me otherwise that you’re interested in making something of this, so take your chance to just walk away”.

His reply?

“No, I’m not taking an out.  I want you for the New Year.  I’m out of town now and will be back on Sunday and I’m coming to see you”.

What happens on Sunday?  Of course, nothing.

Monday he calls, followed by a few texts days later and another text here and there up until yesterday when I finally responded.

Yesterday morning I finally responded to his latest “good morning beautiful, how are you?” texts and while my reply was a pretty dry and close-ended “I’m good, thanks”, I still responded.

He had me answering now and has hope so he continues by saying “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with you; I haven’t talked to you in a while”.  I blow him off with a lame “I’m doing well, just busy” so then he asks “Well can I still see you?” but this is when I remember my friend Lin telling me how he was a D.N.R.R. – a do not resuscitate romance so this time I was more direct and said “I need to refocus”.

After a few minutes of silence he responds with an “Ah… ok, I see.  Well you stay focused then”.

And staying focused is exactly what I’ll be doing.

Hindsight is 20/20

If I took a moment to think back and reevaluate this particular situation, I would find that I held on for far too long but for all the right reasons.  How often is it that you meet someone who is a really great individual, you’re attracted to them and they have qualities that make you want to consider them for a lasting place in your life?

With Good on Paper, I couldn’t see past the words that were never followed up with any action and instead, accepted excuses and even made excuses for his shortcomings when I should have ended things many months ago.  For me, this was a conquest of sorts and I wanted to challenge myself to overcome obstacles instead of giving up on someone so easily.

I’d done so (gave up) in the past with men whose character far exceeded anything I’d experienced with this man, but because of my regrets from my immature ways that pushed away the good ones, I decided to give it a try with the next person who seemed to be what I wanted and needed.

Lesson learned, hangover Archived.

Carmen ~

18 thoughts on “Time to refocus

  1. Wow, that was quite a story! What’s crazy is that (1) this is my first time checking you out and (2) I just went through the same thing. I’m not really able to gauge from the reading how badly this situation may have messed you up, so you’re either very resilient or chose not to share too many details.

    What I really like is the idea of doing the “what went wrong” afterwards. I know if I were to do this with any of the men I’ve dealt with i’d see all kinds of crazy patterns. I know I tend to be attracted to a certain type of guy, the “bad boy” which is pretty much the equivalent of a loser.

    Anyway, i’m rambling on like this is my blog or something but just wanted to drop a line and say thanks.

    1. Welcome LL and yes, the post-mortem review is needed not just with dating, but other areas of our life. I don’t mind the detailed replies because normally I can pull something from those and begin an entirely new thought, so it’s appreciated.

      As for your wondering about me? I was a little wounded, but fortunately am walking away from this ordeal with all limbs attached meaning, I’m okay. I have feelings for him, naturally because he isn’t a bad guy. We never had any arguments, I never had to curse him out (well, one time by voicemail after he stood me up), and didn’t get to deep into the dating drama (where have you been, why didn’t you call, when am I meeting the kids type $hit), so that helped. He was just a disappointment, you know? Like that puppy who continues to piss on your carpet, regardless of how many pieces of newspaper lay near him. He just didn’t get it or chose not to get it.

      Just wondering how you were able to stop your patterns?

      Thanks for reading and come back again. =)

  2. I think the universe does this to us to remind us we are human and have basic needs. Not that you already didn’t know that.
    Why DO we keep repeating the cycle of hanging on longer than we should?

    Great post!!!
    You’ve given me some reminders to continue to think about and inforce in my own life. 🙂

    1. Just Saying, I don’t know why we keep doing this and many of us are old enough and have experienced enough frustration and heartache to KNOW better, yet still… the pattern continues.

      At least I can say this – he was the first to ever have the yo-yo dumbness effect on my and I’m hoping the last. Like I said, I think there was some sick part of me who wanted to treat him as a conquest because normally any man I’ve been interested in, I get him. Not that I’m the greatest ever, but I’m the best in my own way.

      Thanks for stopping by and try to stay warm in all of that snow!!

  3. I was so upset when my f-buddy blurred the lines…we had such a good thing! Being removed from the situation now, however, I do realize a few things.
    1-We were practically dating. I think we actually were. I just refused to admit it.
    2-When he finally was brave enough to say ‘Esme! WTF? I just want ONLY YOU!’ I couldn’t handle the emotions that came with it, and I may have ran away from the best thing I have ever had. It took him a lot of guts to come clean. I always wonder…but I also know it wouldn’t have worked out because I wasn’t ready for it at the time. Everything happens for a reason!
    Maybe his inconsistancy as a buddy shows what he would be like as a relationship partner…fuck that. YOU deserve way better my dear! If he wanted more, he would have proved it!
    Wow, I rambled…he has been on my mind a lot 😉

    1. Yes Esme, I think I read a post about your f-buddy doing the same thing. What’s up with that? I don’t know about you, but good sex is in the top 5 of must haves for a relationship, so naturally if you’re dealing with one of these types of dudes and either you or he or both want to give a real relationship a crack, you’re already one up.

      Interesting that you said you couldn’t handle the emotions because I felt like that was why I would go into hiding with GOP, I just didn’t want to deal with the shit we were experiencing and felt I had nothing to lose because we weren’t officially together or anything.

      And damn, you hit the nail on the head with this: “Maybe his inconsistancy as a buddy shows what he would be like as a relationship partner”, which is exactly how I felt. I soon realize that he’s that type of dude I posted about when I said I didn’t like dating men with children who didn’t know how to find balance. I could never force him to make me a priority and do what he needed to do if he was SERIOUS about going somewhere and forget that, he was just too much work and wasn’t worth it.

      Have you had any more dealings with yours??

      1. Mine now is engaged to someone he has not been faithful too…in fact I think he was seeing the both of us at one time, which didnt bother me at all since in my mind we werent dating! I think I drove him to it actually. In fact, I am sure of it. I hear from him everyonce in a great while…he keeps wanting to sleep with me. Our sex was that good, that he is willing to cheat on his fiancee. And I am definitely tempted…but havent. Sigh.
        I do sometimes wonder, though, what I gave up. Not going to lie…
        I like the idea of a ‘where are they now’ post! And my thoughts on them since I am now more removed…I may have to get on boared with that shit…

        1. @ Esme, your guy is so typical!!! And yeah, I like the idea of the “Where Are They Now”, like VH1 used to do!

          Biggest challenge dealing with these types of situations? Staying away from them cause you know most will wait it out, then try to come back!

        2. Engaged? Poor fiance! And yes Esme, I wonder too. We gave up the stress is what I think, but still, it’s sometimes hard not to wonder if that one was workable, you know? Too much work. Like another blogger said yesterday, we put waaaaaayy too much energy into dating when she shouldn’t have to.

  4. Girl, you just keep coming with it don’t you? You have to let us know if he attempts to resurface because if he’s like most, he’ll certainly try. Maybe not right away but in the future.

    DNRR? LMAO!

    1. I’ll definitely do a “where are they now” update on any of the archived hangovers. I have a feeling he’ll stay away this time because really, how many times does it take for it to sink in??? In a way, I get a little pissed off just thinking about this situation because I figure he’s either stupid or is toying with my emotions by dangling the carrot, doing just enough. Oh yeah, DNRR? I can thank my buddy Lin for that one. =)

  5. Ditto Just Saying, these reminders are so needed. Women dealing with flaky men and even the men who deal with flakes themselves is like an epidemic. I don’t know what part of the country you guys are from, but here in Northern California, there’s an epidemic of men like good on paper causing us grief because we let them.

  6. First thing that struck me is that GOP wanted you when he couldn’t have you, typical man thing. The “chase” or “hunt’ or whatever you want to call it. I mean, he is terribly inconsistent and all over the place with what he wants! It seems like he doesn’t even himself. Listen, I’m glad you got out of this thing that you were in with him. I know the sex was hot, but he was messin’ with your head too much.

    Amen to DNR!! Girl, you need to have IT ALL. One thing I’ve learned in my life!

  7. Simmarah, you know what? That is so true! Selfish is what I had been thinking as well because I pushed him away several times telling him he wasn’t putting forth the effort needed because he really didn’t want what HE always said HE did. Punk. Tried to keep me on hold like a layaway plan or something. Fucker!

  8. Holy balls. This is EXACTLY what I’m going through right now! I could tell a month and a half in that this was headed straight for Nowherseville but the sex was…I can’t even begin to describe it. So I proposed FWB with all the right rules – no sleepovers, no need to call in-between, same-day “appointments” via text accepted. Well a funny thing happened. The man who couldn’t be bothered with me was now ALL ABOUT ME. Especially when I told him that I was cutting off the “B” in the FWB to focus on finding something more substantial. All of a sudden it’s jealousy, and give me a chance, and I have feeeeeelings for you. So, like an idiot I give in, but cautiously. Agree to start over and date him but tell him there will be no sex until I feel more secure with him. After that statement – let’s just say the ardor in which he was pursuing me has cooled considerably. It’s like – do you want the pie, or do you not want the pie! Make up your mind dude!

    1. The Reluctant Monogamist?? I love it and coming across someone who has tried the FWB “the woman’s way”?? Ah yes! Eureka!

      Man, isn’t it interesting how they flip the situation?

      Normally, we are the ones doing the flipping because we are soooo emotional and in need of something more. Or so they say, but I’m finding there are a hell of a lot more men out there just as needy if not more, than some women.

      Perhaps its an ego thing when you’re setting the rules for the FWB? They can’t stand it that they aren’t the ones making the “come over when you’re done calls” or sending the “I just want to fuc# you so bad” texts.

      Make up their minds? Fooey! Impossible!

      These types of people who really don’t know WHAT the hell they want are incapable of making up their mind. So people like US have to do it for them, which usually results in us demoting them from the FWB to the F to nothing at all.

      Thanks for stopping by.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.