Red Flags, THIS is Why I'm Single!

Commitment

 

His words, NOT mine:  “I really think I’ve got commitment issues and after we talked, I haven’t been able to think about anything else.  Damn, you’ve really got me thinking and now I feel bad”.

Yep, TGW has issues alright but thank goodness – it isn’t ME!!!!!!  I think it was Something She Dated who cpmmented that she was tired of meeting grown ass men who were still in the figuring shit out phase in life.  I wholeheartedly agree, because not only is TGW admitting that he has issues when it comes to committing to relationships but to life in general.  In one conversation, I learned that he has a habitual pattern of starting and not finishing things and we both agreed that this crosses over to his business which sometimes is affected by his indecisiveness and procratination.

TGW is pretty intelligent and his knowledge about different topics, cultures, fine arts and culinary is pretty expansive, so why did our conversation about dating and relationships lead to such a revelation?

So Friday while we were having lunch at his fab Argentinian restaurant he tells me that he couldn’t get our telephone discussion from the previous night out of his mind.  Two things come to mind, the first wondering how such a simply conversation can give someone such a guilt trip and two,  wondering I should be getting paid  to be some type of counselor instead of doing this for free.

Now before I go into my rant,  I’ll share a little about how his revelation came about.

I mentioned a few weeks back that I’d met this man, was impressed with the chivalry he’d shown each time we’d gone out and couldn’t get enough of talking about the great dates.  Nothing has changed, meaning we still have fun wherever we end up but after isn’t the natural progression of dating called er, uh….moving FORWARD?

After about the first couple of weeks of chatting it up over the phone, texting which led to a little sexting and of course, our dates, I figured it was time to tell him exactly what I was looking for after he’d made one too many sexual innuendos.

Translation (in my twisted little mind) – “we’ve been hanging out, money has been spent and the chemistry is great, so when are we having sex?”.  When I replied “I’m not into sport fu@king” and that I was “looking to settle down, as in a REAL relationship”, I could have sworn I heard crickets on the other line.

Soon after TGW responded with an oh-so-exciting “Oh really, that’s cool” followed by a lame “Yeah, that’s something I’m not opposed to at some point”.

Um…. okay, yeah.

Deduct 150 points from his “ooh” factor.

Still, we continued on with the relationship talk and I was intrigued when he told me about the total number of relationships he had PERIOD.   37 year-old man + 3 serious relationships + 5 or more years each.  Do the math.

So you’re probably wondering where we come up with the commitment issues problem, especially since his 5+ year stints obviously show he’s able to maintain and be stable, right?  As our conversation goes on I asked him if he’d considered marrying any of the women he was in love with, shacked up with and played step-daddy to the kids with and the answer was no, no and NO.

“Why stay with them so long and drag it out?”, I say and his reply was “I don’t know, I guess it wasn’t enough time to figure out if that’s what I wanted”.

Get the hell out of here!  Are you fricking kidding me???  I’m sorry.  I truly believe that within as early as 6 months and probably closer to a year, you KNOW if the person you’re with is marriage material for you.  Unless you chose to cyber date for the first 3 months, one of you are deployed to Iraq or someone was in a coma, that is enough time to have experienced different things with your significant other.   5 years?

That is way too long and the idiot women who hung in there that long were either commitment phobes themselves or simply retarded.  It gets better.  Wait for it, wait for it….

Here I am thinking that because I was dealing with someone who was NOT native to this country and ASSuming that his parent’s ideologies about relationships and the building of family structures had rubbed off on him.

Wrong.

Want to know why I say this? Wait for it, wait for it….

In a way, hearing him explain to me how deep into the relationship he was with each of these women was kind of funny and as I chuckled thinking he at least has consistency I finally  responded with an “I see” (men, you KNOW this is NOT good) and asked him if not with them, did he plan on getting married at some point.

His reply?

“Why get married, what’s the point? Just to have children or have a ceremony?”.

Yup, there it is and it shows we really are on two different pages with the religious beliefs and thoughts about marriage.

He quickly realizes the “Oh?” I replied with pretty much sealed his fate as he says “Damn, guess I just fucked things up with you, huh?

I’ll stop there.  More to come.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

19 thoughts on “Commitment

    1. Yep Just Saying, and I think I was reading one of your posts a few weeks ago when you vented about meeting men who were still in the “where do I want to be in life” phase. Come on fellas, if you’re 30 years and older, you should probably have a clue by now. Right??!!

  1. Yup, you’re spot on.

    While there are truly some men who have difficulty with any life commitments, for the most part? Their issue of “commitment” is really just an issue of “commitment with YOU.” If they can be charming enough to get you to have sex and do their bidding with only mild promises of eventual commitment, they’ll do it. And, sadly, too few women nowadays demand more.

    I told a girl, all truthfully, 3 things:

    1. I really do like you, and our enjoyment of each other’s company is genuine
    2. I don’t like you enough to fully commit to you, nor do I see potential for this relationship when I move cities in 6 months
    3. If you would like to continue to date until I leave, I’m on board with that. If you want more and would rather stop this now- knowing it will end- I will understand and respect that decision.

    You can guess what she chose.

    Caleb

    1. The frankness of it all. Caleb, I was GOING to guess that she took the high road and told you to kiss her tail as she walked out the door BUT, after having witnessed some pretty stupid antics from my female friends, she probably chose to stick it out.

      Is this the same chick who only observes SBJ Day??? What gives? I mean other than the not wanting to commit to a particular person, but it seems like there are more men who just are content.

      Are you up front with women or does it only come up with the “talk” happens?

        1. I KNEW it was the same! See, I fault the women for sticking around THEN trying to complain afterwards. I get you Caleb, I really do.
          My beef is with the dudes who prance and dance around the subject and don’t give a chick the template “I like you but not that much” spill.

  2. That sucks that the two of you really don’t seem to be looking for the same thing. Having said that, at least he was pretty straight with you about it and you had this conversation after a few weeks rather than a few months (or years!)

    1. Hey Matt, you’re absolutely right. That’s why I’d rather bring up these things earlier on instead of waiting until later for fear of “scaring” someone off. But you know what gets me EACH and EVERY time? Once the guy (normally, it’s the men who are vying to be single until their 40’s) tells me he’s only interested in casual relations and I reply that I am NOT looking for the same thing, they always try to back peddle. Man the f@ck up! If that’s how you feel, then so be it. Don’t try to sugarcoat things after you’ve learned that we’re not on the same page.

  3. Sounds like me years ago – wait, a few months ago. LOL Don’t know what to tell you Carmen, but you’re likely right about the eye candy factor. I guess it’s the old “but THAT chick is hotter” syndrome and I know I’ve missed out on some great times with great women but hey, you live and you learn.

    So are you done with this one?

  4. Not surprised! These sorry dudes and their goals to take bachelorhood into their seniors years is ridiculous. Don’t waste anymore time with TG.

    1. Annonymous, I hear you and trust me – I made it pretty clear to TGW that he’d pretty much turned me off but you know what? We get along just great, so I’m likely to just roll with him for the time being you know – until something better comes along and NO!!!!!!!! No nookie for HIM! Haha

  5. I definitely wouldn’t give him any nookie! I can just imagine this guy becoming incredibly clingy after getting a little Vitamin ‘C’…he will need more of it just to get him through the day! Hahaha!

    1. Right, always something!!! Yeah, where have you been Simmarah?? Get to writing, I haven’t received an update from you in a while. Or should I assume you’ve found prince charming??

  6. I am just catching up on the blog…been MIA myself. All I can say to this is “NOOOO!!!”. I was pulling for TGW as he sounded so suitable. I say don’t cut him off just yet. The previous relationships didnt work because they weren’t meant to be. When he meets the right one, that talk about “why get married” will go out of the window. He is not a hangover just yet. Now, Im onto continuing my catching up on the posts….

    1. Hey Teefah! You have a legitimate excuse for being away and it’s allllllll good!!! Wait, you’re saying work with TGW? Huh? When he meets the right one? Girl, you sound like one of THEM?? Is this a conspiracy, you’ve gone to the wrong team!! LOL

      Okay but seriously, I haven’t cut him off completely but let’s just say the tall glass of wine that was once bubbly is as stale as a bottle of Dom with it’s top off for oh….let’s say about 3 weeks. Can we reconnect and get back on track? Perhaps.

      But here’s the deal – he wants booty and as I told a girlfriend earlier today, I choose my f-buddies and not the other way around. Though he’s not come right out and SAID “Hey Carmen, let get you in between the sheets”, he’s alluded to the fact that he’s great in fellatio and can’t wait to test out his culinary skills down below.

      What’s with men suddenly liking that so much when before it was like pulling teeth??

      Anywho, stay tuned and best of luck to you and yours. =)

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