“The longer a person has been single, the harder it will be to have a meaningful relationship with them. Is this true or false and why?”
This was a question posted by a friend on Facebook this afternoon and before I browsed through the replies that included the yes, no’s and don’t know’s.
One of the people commented “False because while you are single you should be learning yourself, learning what you want and don’t want so that you will be better at selecting your next mate. Timing is everything.” Bless her heart, this lady tried but I think she missed the point or perhaps looked at the question a lot differently than I did.
If I was to leave out that one word that didn’t quite seem to fit – meaningful, I would agree and say TRUE.
I can testify that each time I’ve gone from a long stint in singleville (I’m talking a year or more in between) to the role of girlfriend, it has been difficult adjusting to a new relationship.
I’m going from living a life all about ME to WE and switching to the new role is almost foreign to me at first. Sure, I may be basking in the newness of having found the man I want to be with, spend time with and hopefully look forward to planning a future with, but… I feel like my life is somehow being thrown out of sync.
Learning to trust again and not punish the person I’m in a new relationship with for any of the crap I’d experienced with the previous hangovers is an issue. Still, by far, I think the biggest obstacles when transitioning from having been single for a while are readjusting two main areas- my social life and my every day life at home.
It’s a struggle.
So what about my social activities? Well, since I resume the role of girlfriend, boo, significant other or whatever else we’re called nowadays, I’ve ultimately retired my all-the-single-ladies banner and need to do some serious tweaking. Not to say that because I was single, I’d be burning up the night clubs every weekend or making one too many Vegas trips, but I certainly party a lot more AND differently when I’m involved with someone than when I’m single.
Whereas I normally only needed to figure out plans for a great night out and secure child care, the significant other now has to be factored in. Gone are the days of a workout, shopping and errands at a moments notice. Bye bye to the nights where I’d stumble in the door at 5am or not making it home at all. I’ve got to get used to not dedicating an entire weekend to girlfriend functions, playdates and sleep overs and make sure at least one of those days go to spending time with the new beau.
Those random get away trips? I’ll need to consider inviting him or making plans for a vacation together. Even when it comes down to basic activities, if I’ve been single for quite some time I struggle with understanding the man I’m now in a relationship with just wants to spend some time with me. What have I been guilty of doing?
Complaining. Expecting him to understand that before him, I had a life. I won’t even get started on figuring out how to incorporate family functions and holidays if our relationship is at that point, because that opens up opportunity for an entirely separate post.
Bottom line? Social adjustment is needed big time when entering into a new relationship after having being alone for a while. I just feel like it’s a bit much when needing to split myself into three different people- the Mom, friend and lover.
So what is the other area I struggle in when dealing with the transition from Me to We?
My daily habits at home.
They say an old dogs habits are hard to break. Woof woof!
When I’m at home, I am comfortable, prefer not to deviate from my routine and tire easily of people who overstay their welcome. I have never lived with a man nor have I had an extended stay over one’s house nor he to mine for more than two days.
My home is my fortress and I have my ways so any new relationship, is an interesting transition, especially if I’ve been on the market for a while. I have my ways.
I like burning incense as soon as I get home, right after kicking off my shoes at the door. Sorry, I normally don’t feel like talking (let alone on the phone) after a long day or working. I’m used to cooking only a few days a week, basic stuff and for two. I rarely wear sexy nighties to bed (my child thinks I look just fine in my tank top and flannel pajama pants), and I sleep with my door open.
Everything has a place in my home so no glasses being left on the table, I like sleeping with the TV on and hate being stirred out of my sleep unless it’s for some nookie (I’m never too tired for THAT).
When in bed, I-sleep-wild. I’m talking slobber on any pillows that remained on my bed during the night, I always loose a sock during the night being swallowed by my sheets and I awake with my scarf around my neck instead of on my head.
I don’t like being asked to fix anyone something to eat after the kitchen has “closed”. My child is being trained to leave the toilet lid down and wipe off feet before touching down on the rugs.
I cannot focus very well on what to wear the next day, do hair and make-up with my beau in the same room, nor will I suffer in pain trying to hold in a really bad fart.
Call me stubborn or inflexible, but it takes a while to change these types of things. Remember, the adjustment excuse from above.
As I recently told someone I’ve been involved with, it isn’t that I don’t welcome the wonderful things that come with being with someone, it’s just going to take me some time to relearn (and in some instances, learn).
In all, thought I can’t say that being single for an extended period of time is necessarily a relationship killer, but it certainly can be a challenge for me.
The solutions? Stay single or work on making it work by being more flexible to changes in my lifestyle to avoid being single again.
Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.