Relationship 101,  THIS is Why I'm Single!,  Uncategorized

Vicious cycle

Same old stuff in my world and apparently, a few others as well. Oh, the woes of dating.

I just got off the phone with one of my good friends named Kim*, and although we JUST had this conversation earlier this week, there we were again talking about stupid men.

I reminded her about the do’s and don’ts on how to handle a friend with benefits (FWB), and quickly realized that too many of us are dealing with the ups and downs that can drain the hell out of you.

We (myself included) are caught up in a vicious cycle where we try to delete a person out of our life.

It’s funny but sad at the same time, but when Kim told me she’d had enough of the emotional rollercoaster with her FWB and started deleting phone numbers and e-mail addresses, and even (gasp) Facebook friends, I cracked up.

Yep, been there done that.

How often do you do this? You’re ticked off, frustrated, feeling hurt, ignored and decide to erase any trace of the person responsible.

The delete buttons become your best friend as you start going through old text messages. You know the ones you’d saved from that textversation where some real feelings came out or there was a really sweet message that could be read over and over. Away with the e-mails of some moment you really connected or of some nice or tantalizing photos. Finally, that sense of imaginary closure when you say yes to the “are you sure” prompt when deleting their number.

Sounds good, right? This is your own way of being done with this person(for real this time because we KNOW this wasn’t the first).

What ever.

Just as I told Kim, this is one of those retarded games that we play with ourselves.

For one, you can delete to your hearts content. Their number is imbedded in your brain, you’re not doing anything but making a few gigabytes available in your phone.

Secondly, if you saved any texts and e-mails, you’ve undoubtedly memorized what they say because when you have those moments (good and bad), you’ve looked at them. Several times.

Thirdly, I guarantee that within a couple of days, they will have called or texted. A few times and once you get tired of responding to a number and not a name, you’ll have reprogrammed them in your phone.

Lastly, it’s stupid. We’re doing it out of frustration and deep down probably can’t WAIT for them to contact you anyway.

Here’s the deal- this cycle is nothing but a farce.

If I was really serious about ending communications with someone I’m involved with, I will tell them. Period.

The times when I’ve engaged in the fake deletions are the same as with Kim. I’m pissed and tell myself this is a good way to just move on.

Here’s the cycle:

Contact is made, I’m a bitch towards the guy for the first couple of exchanges. We talk about how someone overreacted or was misunderstood. Someone reminds the other that this is not a relationship. We both agree. The next couple of contacts are a little more relaxed and within a couple of days, we’re somewhere having great sex. Things are good until the next time.

The cycle continues.

Sorry Kim; You know you’ll be giving me an update about your guy before the end of the week.

πŸ™‚

Carmen

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

16 Comments

  • Melzie

    A vicious cycle indeed. I’ve done this a few times, like you said, only for there to be a rekindling of the residuals. Although…the last time I did this it felt right, was just and will stick because I felt disrespected….something that’s a GTFOH trigger for me.

    • Carmen

      Oh yes, Melzie, the reason for the deletion makes a big difference. Often times it’s out of frustration because you’ve probably been dealing with a different cycle – ongoing bullshit.

      But yes, when the reason is because of something foul or downright disrespectful? I’m much more prone to stick with it as well.

      I wonder is guys do the same thing?

  • Jessie

    Hahahah!!! I’m glad I’m not the only idiot doing this. A couple of weeks ago I was so “done” with this dude and went on a delete marathon. Pictures, texts everything.

    We’re talking again and of course, I’m too embarassed to ask for some stuff like his address or birthday again.

    Yes, been there and done that. Plenty of times. Sorry Kim, lol.

    • Carmen

      @ Jessie, the pictures and birthdays? Yessssss!

      I wouldn’t dare ask again for anyone who is reinstated.

      I did, however get a perverse sense of satisfaction when I heard from one (GOP), and how annoyed he was when learning he’d been deleted.

  • Caleb

    Carmen, Carmen, Carmen.

    At what point did you start using “reason” and “common-sense?” Have my constant lectures on the way things really are finally sunk in?

    Cuz this is spot on.

    I think this is the first time I’ve ever heard a woman own up to this though. You just officially went up 2 points.

    Also, realizing that this cycle is what’s happening is the first step towards getting out of it!

    • Carmen

      Caleb, I’m your female apprentice. Between the two of us, we should be able to shut the dating sights DOWN! LOL

      Oh yes, we do it and do it often but ironically, it’s a backwards way of trying to handle things with men since we’re (women) are always moaning about needing closure. What kind of closure do we get by trying to delete every memory of someone and uh…. they don’t know it??

      So tell me – have you done this? Have there been women who’ve gotten you so worked up, hurt or jaded to the point where you just started deleting things?

      • Kendall

        I’m with Caleb – women actually admitting to doing this? Damn, there’s so much we don’t know. LOL

        Nope, I don’t think I’ve gone through trying to delete a woman like she was a virus or something. In fact, I don’t even delete them really even if things go sour – I just stop communicating and sooner or later, one of us will come around again.

        • Carmen

          Kendall, that sounds way too easy. I’ll try it with the next guy. No wait- that sounds too pessimistic that I’ll have another bad experience huh? πŸ™‚

  • Caleb

    Nope. Had to tell one ex that we couldn’t keep having post-breakup sex once though. She’s (still) one of the hottest chicks I’ve ever seen, and I thought I had a sweet deal where she was still enamored with me and I just got to have sex when I wanted, but when it hit me that I was hurting myself more than anything I had to let it go. Especially if we were ever going to be friends.

    Which, I did. I didn’t delete her or anything, but after telling her I didn’t call, text, email, or Facebook anything. That was 2 years ago and we’re good friends now. Pretty sure she’d still come over in a tight blue skirt if I drunk-dialed her though.

    • Carmen

      See Caleb, that’s a mature way of handling things. You realized the obvious (not good for you), even though you’d certainly enjoy the perks afterwards (the booty), and didn’t have to get all stupid (emotional).

      Oh, and why a blue skirt? πŸ™‚

      • Caleb

        Fo sho! I’m totes mature.

        I suppose any skirt would do, but after we first broke up (and waited months) she asked if she could drive down to “talk” and wore this super hot blue dress/skirt thing. She acts naive about that stuff, but I know she knew I was going to “have” her if she came down wearing that (which I did). After that, it was once or twice a month until I stopped it all.

        So the blue skirt just came to mind!

        Ahh… fond memories. We were driving on a country road and stopped where road construction had shut the road down (no signs posted for some reason). Got to “talking,” I started ravaging her, and we went at it like animals on the gravel beside the car.

        Good, good times. So no, I don’t regret any of it- just had to get out of the situation eventually to move on!

        And now I bang LJ when SHE wears skirts. Circle of life? Maybe.

  • Nancy

    I laughed so hard when I read this – everything is funnier when it’s TRUE!! Everytime I’ve deleted some dude’s number from my phone it’s been a pathetic attempt to get some kind of power and control back into my life. A sad attempt to try and make things right – to act like he’s gone and I couldn’t give a shit. Or you delete it thinking it’s like some Murphy’s Law or something: delete the number and He Will Call. The pathetic part is everytime your phone makes some kind of noise after that your heart stops and you lunge for your phone in hopes to see the number – and you’re right – we all know that number because we do memorize it!! Or even worse – we write all of the names and numbers down in some secret hiding spot and tell ourselves we’re only keeping them so we know who it is when we get that 3am text and can ignore it. Paaaaleeeze!!!

    • Carmen

      “The pathetic part is everytime your phone makes some kind of noise after that your heart stops…”. LOL!!!!

      Nancy you hit it, our silly butts are probably annoyed too when we DON’T receive any contact after doing this crap.

      But seriously, whenever I’ve done this they almost always contact me shortly after and I always reply to keep the drama going. These are the cases when I really don’t want things to be over with because if I did, I would have programmed them as a “Nope”.

      Let me esplain- For the major losers, I don’t delete them. Instead, I program over their name and add Nope, so this way any texts or phone calls are immediately ignored. Easier than deleting and being contacted later on and really forgetting the number, then dealing with that awkward moment.

      Next time, I’m going to act like a man.

    • Kendall

      @ Nancy, I still don’t get women when it comes to this. It’s like a game, we know that even when you say “don’t call me” or my personal favorite, “loose my number”, it reallys means “I can’t wait for you to call so we can hash it out”.

      • Carmen

        Yeah Kendall, you’re right. Sometimes we like the drama and as much as I might say I never want to hear from someone again, there might be a part that wants that final conversation. My personal favorite – needing closure.

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