My Dating Hangovers,  THIS is Why I'm Single!,  Uncategorized

Before You Date My Ex

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A thought popped into my mind while watching one of those “try it for 30 days or your money back” infomercials.

Can this same concept be applied to the selection of my next relationship partner?

Think about how this trial works. What do most savvy consumers normally do before investing in something new?

1. We want to hear about it – Advertisements of what it’s for, what it can do, the return on investment etc…

2. We do our research – Before investing any time or spending our hard earned money, we want to learn more about it. What is the background, how did it get on the market, are there any cons or side affects?

3. Check references/look for testimonials – I don’t know about you, but before I try most things I want feedback from actual users. Sure, the folks in the infomercials sound really convincing but you can’t just trust the source, right? I’m asking around, checking web sites and forums for the good, bad and the ugly.

So again, why shouldn’t we do the same when it comes to the selection of people for dating?

I really wish there was an actual site for this, we can call it something like “The Ex Reference” or “Before You Fall” or how about “Here’s How They Really Are”.

Please understand that I’m not thinking of a bashing forum like “Don’t Date Him Girl” (not that I have anything against this site), but an actual place for men and women to list objective and subjective details about someone they’ve dated or were in a relationship with.

Probably a little tricky because I can just see the word SLANDER popping up after the first entry.

Now don’t judge me. I thought of this because I think women should be warned or notified (yeah, the latter sounds better) of the types of men my ex-boyfriends really are.

It’s just like doing a product review and should not be construed as any of the following:

– me being bitter
– not having moved on
– thinking spite fully or
– being a *itch

I feel it is my duty as a concerned member of the dating world to issue a public service announcement.

Unfortunately, I have plenty of hangovers who could be the examples. The types of men who I would like a woman to know about before investing too much time and energy in.

EXAMPLE A:

“Mr. Jekyll”

PROS:
This 36 year-old father of two is definitely a hard working man. He’s been steadily employed since he was a teenager, has his own place, transportation, is good looking, a sharp dresser, enjoys travelling and sightseeing and knows a thing or two about chivalry.

Jekyll is very affectionate, will compliment you often and enjoys spoiling you with nice dinners, clothing and jewelry. He is Mr. Relationship, expresses his desires to settle down and plan a future together.

CONS:
Jekyll has several addictions including Facebook browsing, friending and stalking, shopping, lying and masturbating. He is a serial texter and is poor at communicating and expressing his feelings.

You’ll likely never resolve any conflicts especially not over the phone because he will end a call quickly and begin texting you within 2 minutes of ending the conversation.

While he tells you he’s confident in himself and your relationship, you will receive no LESS than 100 texts, e-mails or calls per month asking “you really love me”, “do you want me” “Do you miss me”, “are you mad at me”, “do you hate me” or my personal favorite “are you dumping me now”.

Jekyll is great at communicating in some ways because he will stay in contact with ALL of his former girlfriends and try to woo one or more of them back. His mood swings are like summer weather in Miami and is likely an undiagnosed bi-polar case study.

This might be a small fact for some (pun intended), but he has a size-challenged penis, may take several hours, if at all, to climax (see porn+masturbating) and tells every woman how beautiful they are. Especially your Facebook friends he has contacted. Yes, YOUR friends.

This guy will spoil you even if you are the least materialistic person on earth, but you’ll soon realize that his gifts are hidden admissions of guilt for some wrong he’s done.

You get the picture?

How about one other candidate worthy of this reference site?

EXAMPLE B:

“Full Metal Jacket”

PROS:
Full Metal is an agile 28 year-old and even though he has a small, almost petite-like frame, is in great physical shape and is well toned. He’s got a nice caramel macchiatto complexion (an amalgamation of Puerto Rican and Black heritage), a great smile, and has the type of deep sexy voice you wouldn’t mind listening to all night.

Although he has only taken a few courses beyond high school while in the military, he’s pretty knowledgeable and was able to converse with me on a level to where I didn’t really question the age difference.

Full Metal is the type of guy who starts off being consistent with contact (none of that disappearing act, no texts all day or absent phone calls for more than a day type stuff), is affectionate and definitely has goals for his future. Plus, he enjoys spending lots of time with his lady of interest.

CONS:
While I can highlight that he harped about having been a dedicated Marine, I should mention that parts of his mind and emotional health and sense of humor were left scattered somewhere between Afghanistan, Bahrain and Iraq. Full Metal will woo you quickly with his talks on his desire to be married, start a family and live happily ever after.

He will show you plenty of attention, to the point of smothering you and your personal time will become a thing of the past. This man will stop in the middle of sex, become really silent and withdrawn then tell YOU he is not suffering from post-traumatic disorder.

Full Metal will convince you that God is all you need – ignoring the need for any therapy, counseling or thought process outside of what is written in the Bible. When I wrote the post “Never Date a Religious Hypocrite, this gem was one of those I had in mind. Surely there wasn’t a chapter in the Old Testament that said “thou shall give head”.

Identity crisis tend to follow people of mixed nationalities, but he also suffered from a personality crisis. His Blackberry messenger status would often change from his name, to some obscure symbol and on the days when he was really full of himself, he would refer to himself as “King —–“.

Full Metal is a pathological liar who will try to convince you that the most important thing you can gain from the bible is reading Matthew and scriptures on forgiveness for any of his lies or manic outbursts. Last but not least, the reference will tell you about his better halves – the two, three or four other personalities existing within him.

Now honestly, wouldn’t you like to know these types of things up front for yourself, friend, sister, aunt mother or depending on how they swing, brother?

These details are factual, not opinions or minor annoyances (well, maybe the penis comment).

Would you still date my ex after reading his reference check?

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen~

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

20 Comments

  • Elle

    I read the first sentence of this post and laughed/was immediately jealous that I didn’t think of this concept. Super fantastic post. Funny and, perhaps unfortunately, true.

    • Carmen

      Sex and the shitty? I LOVE it!

      Yep, I’m really considering it. Need to expose these jokers for what they are.

      Welcome and please… Stop by again for another dose of the Hangovers. πŸ™‚

  • Jessie

    Damn and hell no, I’d take your word for it and pass these winners.

    Seriously, you need to put together a quick reference template on the ones to stay away from.

    Funny stuff.

    a

    • Carmen

      Jessie, I know- crazy how our dating lives make good comedy material.

      It’s amazing how sane I still am because I know many people don’t come out of these types of situations with all their brain matter.

      I want to school the newcomers to the dating game!

  • 1_Silver Fox

    Example: “Lisa”- beautiful, caring and ambitious. A woman who was confident and driven and longed to have a family.

    Then I met Non-Lisa: Crazy, Prozac driven, selfish and lazy. This woman surfaced after she moved in with me, deciding on her own (she sure as shit didn’t tell me) she would just stay home and not work.

    Yeah, let’s put out a bulletin for her and a couple of others.

  • Melzie

    I think it’s a good idea given the rampant nonsense that’s out there. One of my besties had a 90 day trial period, now she’s getting married in a few days. I used to think it was harsh but she seemed to come out just fine without investing precious time with the ones who weren’t up to snuff. I’ve been planning a similar post on this from the marital side, which may be a little controversial…lol

    • Carmen

      90 day trial period? I totally agree Mel. I look at a new relationship (or any new friend for that matter) like an employee starting a new job. Within the first 90 days is the show and prove phase; the employee is on a probationary status to prove themselves by showing their reliable, can be on time, consistent and to show their employer they’ve made the right decision.

      Once that 90 days has passed, benefits start to kick in. As time goes on, more perks accrue and so on.

      Basically, this is how we should approach relationships and I have to say this – I disagree with holding out on having sex for a certain period of time (I think the new bootleg guru of dating himself, Steve Harvey) may have mentioned something like this. Obviously, a personal decision but I know of no relationships that ended sooner or lasted longer based on how long two people held out from having sex.

      I think you should do the twist for the marital side. ASAP!

  • Carl

    I stumble across so many blogs in a day, I don’t have time to comment but this? A great chuckle for the end of my work day.

    Let me know when that system is up and running, I’ve got a couple of beta tests for it.

    • Carmen

      Welcome Carl! I’m seriously thinking of looking into it. Guess I better stop talking it up before someone beats me to it, but in all – I’m glad you stumbled across something that inspired the urge to click “Comment”.

      Be well!

  • Kendall

    Lol, I can get with that. Like someone else said, I have a list of candidates for the kick off!

    What would your reference sheet say Carmen??

    • Carmen

      I’ll keep you in mind Kendall. My rap sheet?

      It would say the same thing as The Dating Resume I created (http://mydatinghangovers.com/?p=230), but if I were to add any detractors…

      – a little impatient (warning to future dates who arrive late)

      – lacking in gray areas (something either is or isn’t)

      – gives second chances for major f ups as frequently as you see money flying around on the freeway

      – moody when hungry, sleepy or horny

      – pretty good at uncovering dirt, so if a man’s hiding something, I’ll find it

      Can’t think of anything else but those would go on my rap sheet on the who-you’re-dating reference area.

      πŸ™‚

    • Carmen

      Welcome Marti!

      I have to agree- dating and being in a relationship with a firefighter is an… Interesting experience. And although I’ve only done it once, those men along with cops, military and doctors) are on my no-date list.

      Had I known before dating my firefighter (Rescue 911), I might not have done it. I was a single person in a relationship.

      Ugh.

        • Carmen

          Simmarah, I think the cops and hose guys are notoriously difficult to be with because 1. Too many women have that little girl fantasy that they’re the greatest to be with because of what they do and 2. Many of them fail in relationships or marriages because they have so many off the #1’s who pine over them making them “irresistable”.

          I’m throwing this out there based on my experience but I’ve always said I didn’t want to be lonely in a relationship. I would substitute the lavish lifestyle for a nice comfortable lifestyle and be able to see and spend time with my significant other.

          Whole other rant, but my take on the unavailable firefighters.

  • Simmarah

    So Dr. Jekyll sounds exactly like my Ex and I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE your concept about “trial run” with guys. I think you should pitch an idea to Facebook, called Ex-Facebook … πŸ˜‰

    • Carmen

      Simmarah, I’m sure many of us have dated the Jekyll’s. Since he and Full Metal had similar types of neurotic ways, I think its because neither of them handled the loss of loved ones very well. More on their backgrounds some day but yes- loving the Ex Facebook idea.

      By the way, why the hell am I no longer receiving your updates?? I figured you’d been on a hiatus (notice I keep asking “where have you been?), but just clicked your link and you’re active. I’ll check and correct. πŸ™‚

  • Nancy

    I couldn’t agree with you more!!! I have always said I think dating should be more like an interview. Think about it, you get a panel together w/ the person’s mom/dad, a good friend, a co-worker, an old roommate maybe, and maybe an ex and we can ask them questions about who this person really is. We’ll get to find out how motivated/lazy they are at work, how clean/messy they are at home, how committed to family they are, etc. It will be a one stop shop to hear all about who they really are! Granted this takes all of the excitment out of finding this out on your own but think of all of the trouble you’ll save yourself if you just listen to those you have been there and done that!

    • Carmen

      Isn’t it a great concept? Nancy, since you’re right about the possible fun part of getting-to-know-my-future-ex away, how about a person be allowed 3 to 5 questions only. Anything they want to know, to be asked to the reference be it the Mom, friend, ex, coworker etc?

      For instance, if I had this chance to query Mr. Jekyll, it would be like this:

      To Jekyll’s Dad: How was he as a child? Did he always have these manic mood swings? I ask because he blames not being able to handle the death of his Mother but I have a sneaking suspicion, this isn’t necessarily the case.

      To Jekyll’s Cell Phone Provider: Have you ever seen so much texting of penis shots and data usage for Internet porn from a man in a relationship?

      To Jekyll’s pastor: What demons can you exercise out of this proclaimed Christian man who swears, drinks, masturbates, cheats and lies?

      To his first ex: Did you ever think that you cheating on him could have wrecked such havoc in his future relationships?

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