Finally, the end of the day is here!
When you’ve got a lot of stuff on your mind, doesn’t the 8-hour work day seem more like a 28 hour flight sandwiched between two large people with no a/c and a bad itch down there? Yep, pretty much like torture.
So here’s part two of this morning’s surface street and bathroom post, “My Hump Wednesday” and while I’m still emotional and pissed off at this monkey wrench being thrown into the mix, I probably shouldn’t make any decisions nor should I even be writing about this latest hangover in training but f!ck it, here it is.
Rescue’s actions are making me question my own and without making any affirmative statements about how I plan on resolving this, I’ll leave it at that.
So here’s what got me all in a tizzy this morning, and even if you don’t agree with the idea of 100 questions, so what, I meant it. No, I haven’t been firing off a bunch of questions each day trying to learn things about Rescue, relationship direction etc… But you have to understand my position.
Once I’d agreed to carry on in this unrelationship (we act like we’re in a committed relationship only one person hasn’t fully committed; yes, that’s me) knowing that in my heart and gut, it didn’t feel right. See that those last four words? I’m already talking in the past tense. Anyway, as soon as Rescue and I began carrying on and spending more time together, I told him I had reservations about being involved with him for several reasons:
1. He’s still married
Yes, it makes things much better that he lives thousands of miles from the wife and is separated, but on paper, he’s married. I truly love him and can say enough how much I enjoy spending time with him. Although the new job and the hours have put a bit of a kink in the time spent together, for the most part, the time spent is sufficient. Even with all of the pro’s outweighing the con’s, on paper, he’s still part of a Mr. and Mrs. Rescue union.
2. I will not harass him over paperwork.
One of the biggest concerns is WHEN. I’ve done the research and for the life of me, I don’t even think he’s looked into it, but I know that technically, there’s a certain period of time that must pass before he can even begin proceedings. I know this sounds like an ultimatum but to me, it was more of a declaration. Rescue was told that he has ONE year and within month 11, I’d like to see that the divorce proceedings had been initiated. If a person was ever to agree with hanging in there with someone through a separation and divorce, it’s obviously a lot better if the two parties are amicable and peaceful, but what I take from him? It sounds like they’re a little too cordial and cool to the point where a separation might go on indefinitely because no one is really pressing the issue to get it resolved. Even thinking back on that, can I honestly say that I was willing to hold on for that long? Then what? If nothing happens, would I have the strength to just move on? Risky business, seriously.
Alright, let me get to the point. Back to the questions, he’d been told of my plans to ask some questions weeks ago so anything that comes out of my mouth should not be a total surprise, right? He also knows how important making things work between us is as I’ve expressed to him several times that my goal is to prepare to spend my life with my partner.
So this morning when I heard “What are you talking about”, “We’ve talked about this before”, “There’s nothing else to tell” and concluded with ‘”I’m done talking about this” as he began texting on his cell phone as a sign of dismissal of the topic, I was heated. A feeling of sheer rage welled inside me and the sudden urge to hurl my laptop at his head had to slowly subside as I thought about police, child protective services, jail. Of course I’m exaggerating about my feelings to act out, but the anger is all very real and I looked a little something like this:
What did I ask?
“Did you or she cheat?”
Yes and yes; I’ve asked him twice before what happened between him and the wife. Vague reply the first time, he didn’t want to talk about it the second time. Not that I needed to know gritty details about things like the sex being bad or her bouncing checks, but something a hell of a lot more specific than the replies he’d given me previously.
“A bunch of stuff” or “She partied too much” and “She wasn’t ready to be a wife. Stuff, she and she. That’s it?
For the benefit of my male readers, you’re likely shaking your head that I would even approach someone with the 100 Questions idea or that I would ask a third time about someone’s past relationship but seriously – that answer just doesn’t cut the mustard. It’s too nondescript, too generic.
What does his answer tell me? That everything was all one-sided so far as why and how the relationship ended? Am I to assume that it is reasonable for a man to feel that partying and other nuisances were grounds for saying to hell with the years spent together before the marriage, the planning and preparation for the wedding were just for kicks and the “until death do us part” of the vows were mere recitals?
I won’t go into details about how the rest of my day seemed to spiral downwards once Rescue decided to contact me after lunch, but the one thing that sticks out in all of the exchanges we’ve had is this statement:
“I’m not open to discussing more of it. It’s my past”.
It’s sad and ironic that Rescue doesn’t see that my actions and inquiries are only to help us. I’m a firm believer that open and honest communication is so important in making any friendship or relationship successful. The fact that he was able to (willingly) share the details about the first marriage years ago but is sharing only select details like I’m the random chick he met on the street? Amazing.
A part of me wondered if he’s being evasive because he knows I blog? I’ve told him it is a dating and relationship blog chronicling my actual experiences. Possibly, but why should I assume anything other than a need-to-know attitude that is actually translating into “sneaky bastard hiding something”.
Suit yourself buddy. Closed mouths don’t get fed.