My Dating Hangovers,  Red Flags,  Relationship 101,  THIS is Why I'm Single!

Closed Mouths Don’t Get Fed

Finally, the end of the day is here!

When you’ve got a lot of stuff on your mind, doesn’t the 8-hour work day seem more like a 28 hour flight sandwiched between two large people with no a/c and a bad itch down there?  Yep, pretty much like torture.

So here’s part two of this morning’s surface street and bathroom post, “My Hump Wednesday” and while I’m still emotional and pissed off at this monkey wrench being thrown into the mix,  I probably shouldn’t make any decisions nor should I even be writing about this latest hangover in training but f!ck it, here it is. 

Rescue’s actions are making me question my own and without making any affirmative statements about how I plan on resolving this, I’ll leave it at that. 

So here’s what got me all in a tizzy this morning, and even if you don’t agree with the idea of 100 questions, so what, I meant it.  No, I haven’t been firing off a bunch of questions each day trying to learn things about Rescue, relationship direction etc… But you have to understand my position.

Once I’d agreed to carry on in this unrelationship (we act like we’re in a committed relationship only one person hasn’t fully committed;  yes, that’s me) knowing that in my heart and gut, it didn’t feel right.  See that those last four words?  I’m already talking in the past tense.  Anyway, as soon as Rescue and I began carrying on and spending more time together, I told him I had reservations about being involved with him for several reasons:

1.  He’s still married

Yes, it makes things much better that he lives thousands of miles from the wife and is separated, but on paper, he’s married.  I truly love him and can say enough how much I enjoy spending time with him.  Although the new job and the hours have put a bit of a kink in the time spent together, for the most part, the time spent is sufficient.  Even with all of the pro’s outweighing the con’s, on paper, he’s still part of a Mr. and Mrs. Rescue union.

2.  I will not harass him over paperwork.

One of the biggest concerns is WHEN.  I’ve done the research and for the life of me, I don’t even think he’s looked into it, but I know that technically, there’s a certain period of time that must pass before he can even begin proceedings.  I know this sounds like an ultimatum but to me, it was more of a declaration.  Rescue was told that he has ONE year and within month 11, I’d like to see that the divorce proceedings had been initiated.  If a person was ever to agree with hanging in there with someone through a separation and divorce, it’s obviously a lot better if the two parties are amicable and peaceful, but what I take from him?  It sounds like they’re a little too cordial and cool to the point where a separation might go on indefinitely because no one is really pressing the issue to get it resolved.  Even thinking back on that, can I honestly say that I was willing to hold on for that long?  Then what?  If nothing happens, would I have the strength to just move on?  Risky business, seriously.

Alright, let me get to the point.   Back to the questions, he’d been told of my plans to ask some questions weeks ago so anything that comes out of my mouth should not be a total surprise, right?  He also knows how important making things work between us is as I’ve expressed to him several times that my goal is to prepare to spend my life with my partner.

So this morning when I heard “What are you talking about”, “We’ve talked about this before”, “There’s nothing else to tell” and concluded with ‘”I’m done talking about this” as he began texting on his cell phone as a sign of dismissal of the topic, I was heated.  A feeling of sheer rage welled inside me and the sudden urge to hurl my laptop at his head had to slowly subside as I thought about police, child protective services, jail.  Of   course I’m exaggerating about my feelings to act out, but the anger is all very real and I looked a little something like this:

What did I ask?

“Did you or she cheat?”

That’s it. 

Yes and yes; I’ve asked him twice before what happened between him and the wife.  Vague reply the first time, he didn’t want to talk about it the second time.  Not that I needed to know gritty details about things like the sex being bad or her bouncing checks, but something a hell of a lot more specific than the replies he’d given me previously.

“A bunch of stuff” or “She partied too much” and “She wasn’t ready to be a wife.  Stuff, she and she.  That’s it?

For the benefit of my male readers, you’re likely shaking your head that I would even approach someone with the 100 Questions idea or that I would ask a third time about someone’s past relationship but seriously – that answer just doesn’t cut the mustard.  It’s too nondescript, too generic.

What does his answer tell me?  That everything was all one-sided so far as why and how the relationship ended?  Am I to assume that it is reasonable for a man to feel that partying and other nuisances were grounds for saying to hell with the years spent together before the marriage, the planning and preparation for the wedding were just for kicks  and the “until death do us part” of the vows were mere recitals?

I won’t go into details about how the rest of my day seemed to spiral downwards once Rescue decided to contact me after lunch, but the one thing that sticks out in all of the exchanges we’ve had is this statement:

“I’m not open to discussing more of it.  It’s my past”.

It’s sad and ironic that Rescue doesn’t see that my actions and inquiries are only to help us.  I’m a firm believer that open and honest communication is so important in making any friendship or relationship successful.  The fact that he was able to (willingly) share the details about the first marriage years ago but is sharing only select details like I’m the random chick he met on the street?  Amazing.

A part of me wondered if he’s being evasive because he knows I blog?  I’ve told him it is a dating and relationship blog chronicling my actual experiences.  Possibly, but why should I assume anything other than a need-to-know attitude that is actually translating into “sneaky bastard hiding something”.

Suit yourself buddy.  Closed mouths don’t get fed.

Carmen ~

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

16 Comments

    • Carmen

      Just Sayin’, I’m not sure what my gut is telling me right now. A part of me is like stop complaining, people deal with far more serious issues. The practical part of me says I have a reason to question his actions and vagueness.

      Today is just one of those days where I’ll need to regroup my thoughts and plan my strategy.

      Perhaps the “what happened” won’t matter as much if this man just understood the method behind the madness.

  • Melzie

    Carmen, please know that what I’m about to say is to just give you a tidbit of something I learned the hard azz way recently. As women we sometimes think there’s more to what a man says, that they’re multi-layered like we are. What I’ve experienced is that (most) say exactly what they mean, no matter how blunt and tactless. His response to that very important question, which is one any reasonable person should expect an answer to, was exactly how he feels. He’s not too concerned about sharing the details about that so I would take that for what it is. To me, this is a reaction you can expect to receive to other questions he’s uncomfortable answering. Whether you’re willing to accept that is a different story. Wish you all the best in straightening this out, I know how hard it can be when you’re coming from an honest place.

    I totally forgot about a good book I have, Intellectual Foreplay. It covers all facets of life and includes thought-provoking questions with an prelude that explains why they are important to determining compatibility. *just something for your side pocket ;-)* http://www.amazon.com/Intellectual-Foreplay-Questions-Lovers-Be/dp/0897932773/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1308187565&sr=8-1

    • Carmen

      Mel, you hit it- he’s not too concerned and yes, definite signs of what I would have to look forward to if there was a future.

      As I was sharing with a girlfriend on the drive home, women are often accused of talking to much, sharing too much about what’s going on in their love lives. Your post from a week or so ago was right on when you said that certain people, especially married couples, shouldn’t air so much laundry.

      What I said today is that I felt like men don’t talk enough. They’re normally pretty secretive and tend not to “bounce” things off of one another. In my mind, I think if more of them tried it a little instead of trying to internalize everything, perhaps they might hear that brother say “you might want to think about this” or that buddy tell him “have you asked her why..”

      Wishful thinking I guess.

      I appreciate the feedback and will check out the read. I’m always willing to consider new things, continuing to learn how I can improve myself which in turn, better prepares me to be the woman/lover/friend/wife I aspire to be.

  • Esme

    I don’t see anything wrong with wanting the answer to that question. In my experience, once a cheat, always a cheat. I’d sure in the hell would want to know if the man I was starting a relationship with has stepped out before.

    • Carmen

      True Esme, so true. The kicker is that he may not have cheated. The reasons for the marriage failing may have had nothing to do with him as he says. BUT, this issue has taken a completely different turn the moment he implied that my asking about it was an invasion of privacy. Really?

  • Kendall

    Just as someone else said, I hope things work out for the best. It would be easy for me (outside looking in) to tell you this man’s actions are self explanatory and for you to leave him alone.

    I think many if not all of us have been on the end of having to take actions for what they are and actong on them. OR not acting on them.

    I have to agree with you; how can someone think that pursuing something serious is possible when they refuse to share details about the past?

    Still you have to wonder if what Mel said could be flipped- maybe what he says is just that, nothing more to it?

    Have a better day tomorrow beautiful.

    • Carmen

      Appreciate the insight Kendall. It’s a new morning and I’m ready to move on.

      Not sure if that means move on from the issue or from the man.

      Sad this he has no idea what his words have done.

      Stupid.

  • Anonymous

    Read this one first instead of the “hump” post and now that I’ve read both, wow. Sorry to hear about this.

    Coming from a place of constant disappointment when it comes to dating, I’m sure you’ve got a lot on your mind.

    Think before you act. Best thing that works for me when having to make a decision about something major.

    • Carmen

      Thanks Annonymous. I’m thinking but know I’m not handling this the right way. I don’t feel like talking to him because the way I see it – there’s nothing to talk about.

      What, rehash yesterday’s conversation? Listen to him tell me how much he loves me while reaffirming it is what it is and he’s not changing his stance?

  • MeSoSingle

    I feel that the real issue is not about whether he cheated at all. The end of every relationship should prompt the person to take a few steps back and turn that failed relationship into an opportunity to learn something about themselves, the opposite sex and/or how to deal with this new set of baggage you just picked up. Even if he did cheat but was able to say something like “wow, I realized that I did it because…” or “looking my partner in the face everyday made me feel…” would mean that he learned something but avoiding the issue entirely is a little scary.

    • Carmen

      Ah… MeSoSingle.

      MeSoFrustrated.

      Communication is key. Handling of situations is key.

      Still, I think there is hope and something to him. After what I sent this morning, his actions will be determine the final outcome.

  • Kimmie

    Hmm, interesting. Meso is right, even if there eas something bad like cheating, he doesn’t get it.

    Go with your instincts. I hate saying this because when you’re emotional and heart is involved, that’s easier said than done.

    I’ve been away for a while and can’t remember this hangovers details. Does his past with YOU give you reason to worry?

  • Iva

    a) Once a cheat, always a cheat. b) He cheated on her. c) He is already evasive, and you two are not even engaged or married. d) Move on.

    Best of luck.

    • Carmen

      Sigh. Iva, if only I was strong enough to take the advice I can so easily dole out.

      I’m taking a huge leap of faith with Rescue and fortunately, there was no infidelity.

      The mind and heart… Sometimes one of them just takes over.

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