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Is it time to become exclusive?

While catching up with a friend over the weekend and discussing her current situation with a man she’s been dating for about three months, I asked if they were an actual couple.  A long pause is what I received in return and a minute later she asked “what do you mean, as in are we dating other people?  I replied yes and she tells me she wasn’t sure and that she was waiting for him to bring it up since exclusivity is what she wanted from their very first date.

Huh?  Call me foolish, but isn’t this something the TWO of them should be discussing?

I’m not sure I undertand her logic on this one.  My friend then goes on to explain that she’s interested in being exclusive but doesn’t want a serious relationship because of the horrible experience with her last two ex-boyfriend’s but then adds more frown lines to my forehead by saying the man, on the other hand, IS interested in getting serious and wants to be married by the time he’s 35.  His birthday is next August.

I have a headache just thinking about this conversation, so here’s my question – When do you know it’s time for you and the person you’re dating to become exlcusive?

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

4 Comments

  • nathan

    Your friend doesn’t sound like she knows what she really wants. What does it mean to be exclusive, but also casual? That seems to be what she’s looking for, however I don’t think that’s really possible. Or maybe it is, but so what?

    I don’t know about anyone else, but once I start seeing someone regularly – i.e. we have moved past going out on dates once a week, and are seeing each other more frequently – I stop looking around and focus on being with her.

    • Carmen

      You said it Nate, I thought it. She sure does sound a bit confused, doesn’t she?

      BUT I won’t just blame her because I believe it when she says she told this guy up front that she wasn’t looking to get serious. Perhaps he’s one of those “I’ll change her mind” dreamers and will succeed or is just setting himself up to waste precious time.

      I don’t think there’s a such thing as exclusive casual. There’s an exclusive f buddy where two people may be free to date casually but only share the sheets with each other.

      I’m not really sure what she’s thinking but I know she’s lurking, reading this so hopefully she realizes that something is amiss.

      Once me and a man start spending more and more time together and even start seeing each other during non-ideal times (such as weekday outings), it’s time we talked.

      I guess I could justify not bringing up the exclusive thing if you were afraid that the person you’re seeing isn’t on the same page, for fear of rejection.

      But come on- many of us in the “don’t have time for bs” stage in life are probably in our 30’s and really should be addressing the major issues and immediately.

      I”m interested in seeing if and how this situation with her and the guy progresses.

  • Anonymous

    When the two people SAY they’re both inerested in being exclusive and agree to cut off any plan b’s in the background.

    How long? No telling. I could meet someone tomorrow and after a few conversations (even before a follow up meeting and date), feel like he’s the one.

    The person you’re mentioning here sounds a little confused and setting the guy up. He wants something serious and she doesn’t? How the hell did they make it past the getting to know each other phase with a contrast like that?

    She can send him my way, I’m ready for marriage too!

  • Carmen

    Annonymous, I’ll make sure I let her know she’s sleeping on a rarety- a man ready to settle down!

    Good point mentioning the plan b’s and even though it’s wrong (if you’re committing, you’re committing, period. No sideline anything), I can understand why people do that.

    Being in a relationship of major and if you’re like many of us here, you’ve had enough hangovers to know you shouldn’t blow caution to the wind.

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