Married Men,  My Dating Hangovers,  Red Flags,  Relationship 101,  Settling or Compromising?,  When you're dating your ex

The winds are changing…

 

And those bitches are like the Santa Ana's in the dead of summer - hot and
swift.

It was just a week or so ago that Kim sent me a BBM ladened with her latest
dating woes and said- "Damn girl, things are going so well with you and Rescue,
we won't have anything to read on the blog".  My reply was "I wouldnt
necessarily say that because there is a big issue that keeps eating away at me,
so I can't even say I'm in the clear".

Bless her heart when she says “well, at least you’re 1/4 of the way”.

Aw… Genuine happiness from a friend who is holding out hope that things work
out (this time around) with me and Rescue.

All good because I’d say about 90% of my friends are rooting for team 911 and
the other 10% are wondering why I’m even wasting my time and energy when he is
still (though not physically or emotionally) still married.

Yeah, here we go again.  I swear, I don’t mean to beat the hell out of the dead
horse, but certain events send me crashing like a caffeine addict at 3pm.

What happened this time?

Well it was all so very innocent this time and went down yesterday.  We’re
chatting while he’s on his way to a meeting to set up some promotional stuff for
his side hustle with event planning and the topic of divorce came up.

As Rescue is telling me the story of his 75 year old co-worker (yeah, I said
what the fu#k too wondering HOW he still has a W-2), who while they were on
duty, was ceremoniously served with divorce papers.  The poor guy was devastated
and said he didn’t see this coming and was having a real time grasping it all,
so here comes Rescue to the…well, the rescue.

He starts talking to the old guy, trying to calm him down and asking if gramps
and his wife had been arguing a lot etc and also asked if things had improved
since they’d been separated.  The old man said they haven’t been separated, have
been living together uniterrupted, argued a bit yes AND just had some good
loving earlier that morning.

Say what now?

So I’m listening to Rescue explain on and on about how he’s giving the man
advice on how to handle this such as handling of money, property etc…  THIS is
the point where I casually interjected YOU are giving him advice on DIVORCE?
Ha!  I told him he needed to look into it himself and get it going.

Silence.  Chuckle.  Silence.

Oh no, I didn’t stop there and said “have you and your ex even talked about
divorce yet?”.  Mind you, I was asking this with an upbeat voice still
remembering his shittier than shitty reaction the last time I brought this up.

His reply?  “Yeah, in the beginning but it hasn’t been brought up again because
no one really has any money to pay for it”.

“Oh really?” I replied then said “it’s only about $275 to $300 to have a
paralegal do it, especially if there are no children together or property to
divy up”.  Mr. Know-It-All-Though-He’s-Not-Even-Checked-AT-ALL tries to convince
me it is so much more.

So……….I’m thinking to myself the point being neither of you are pressed to
get anything under way, no thought of splitting the costs or how about this-
just look into it??!!!!!

Hmm.

Saved by a meeting!  I had to go so I politely abruptly told him I’d catch up with him
later.  Right before I head off I sent him a text saying “out of curiosity- does
she know you’re even seeing someone?”

That text was at 10:56am, August 10th.

Today is August 11th, 6:00pm.

Today is August 11th, 6:00pm.

Today is August 11th, 6:00pm.

He has not replied to that text though he’s
called and texted and responded to everything in between.

Now I won’t say too much, reminding myself of the 72 Hour Gag Order but the
winds are changing.

Should I have sent a text?  Am I being too pushy by having asked?  Do I respect his privacy?  Asking when I’d given him until December to get things going reniging on what I said?  Is it possible he never received the text?

Who knows, who cares.  I just keep reminding myself;  his unfinished business is reason number ONE why my child doesn’t know that Mom has a significant other who spends the night several times a week.  Why my child doesn’t get included in the planning for outings just yet.  There’s a reason for everything and whether it’s privacy or the “how many times must we talk about this” factor, this shit is getting really old.

Just imagine…not even a week has passed since he asked me to move with him out of state, tentatively based on a new job.  But he can’t seem to understand how his lack of planning for the future he’s PLANNING cannot possible be conceived until he starts planning to be officially done with his wife.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers (cause dammit, this ain’t the cure!)….

Carmen ~

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

14 Comments

  • Esme

    I don’t think you were in the wrong to ask AT ALL. I think in relationships like that, full disclosure is a must. And you have every right to ask questions, and get answers.

    I know you said you would give him until december, but I have thoughts on that.
    1. Can you really live with this doubt until december?
    2. What will you do if he doesn’t choose the way you want? Finish what he is supposed to? Will you feel that it is time wasted?
    3. What if you give him until december, but at a distance?

    • Carmen

      Esme, I’m not sure if I can so that’s likely what is fueling these little episodes. That and PMS. And the full moon. :). That takes care of #1.

      Gosh yes, I’m afraid I would have wasted my time and that is the part that annoys me the worst.

      Option #3 is exactly what I concluded last night. Some things will be changing because I am a planner and my focus right now is quite different than his.

      I know how his mind is working and right now, he’s focused on making money to get back on his feet. He wants and loves me, that much I can say but he is grossly underestimating my tolerance for his lax method of resolving his personal baggage.

      I could tell him how there’s no planning a future for us until he addresses all of that, ask away about the when until I’m blue in the face.

      Just as I had to do with Good on Paper (GOP), it’s time to refocus.

      Thanks for your input E and as for you? Your situation hurts because as I said a few weeks ago, you’re very much capable of love.

  • Jessie

    Hmm… He just doesn’t get it. Like the puppy that keeps peeing on the floor in the same spot.

    Just wait your 3 days and see how you feel.

    • Carmen

      Yes Jessie… I’m moved away from the cliff of doing something drastic.

      Just tiring. There’s always something.

      I can be involved with a guy who’s freely, totally and completely available without any of this mess Rescue has left over and still have issues.

  • Hani

    You could have guy friends too.. when you tell someone upfront I’m dating someone, so don’t even think about trying to hook up with me, it could sometimes send an awkward message. Like you have so many people trying to get with you that you need to let them know upfront that this is strictly platonic and it’s not gonna happen! 😛 okay I’m being a little dramatic, but you get my point.. if you even need to tell him that, he could pick up on that as my lady doesn’t trust me with other women. Now considering it is his ex, he is too lazy to file the paperwork and he forgot to mention you! he is probably trying to rekindle the old flame..

    • Carmen

      Welcome Hani and hell yes, I thought about that.

      I really try to put myself in his shoes and figure how I would handle this situation.

      Would I tell my soon-to-be-ex I was involved with someone and possibly miss out on some benefit, say financial? I’m not saying this is the case with Rescue but I don’t know.

      I would tell him if he was trying to rekindle and I wasn’t interested. Most definitely.

      And of course your theory is plausible – IF he has not mentioned anything, is he holding out hope?

      Because of the distance and the moves he’s trying to make, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say no- I’m pretty sure there’s no reconciliation thoughts. Besides, I have a little bit of insight on the situation he doesn’t know about to my advantage.

      🙂

  • Kendall

    Honestly, I probably wouldn’t mention that I was if it was me. For what?

    I wouldn’t tell my ex if I had hopes of getting back together with her.

    Not responding though when your current is asking? That’s no cool.

    Talking about an ex and not your spouse you’re separated from? Two different extremes.

    • Carmen

      Ah…. The perspective of a man. Seriously Kendall, you wouldn’t??

      But hey, let me not allow anyone to lose sight of the issue here.

      You’re correlation between the regular dating situation/ex vs soon to be ex wife/husband is right on point.

      A regular ex? Nope, wouldn’t be an issue because I could careless what an ex knows about my love life.

      An ex still trying to get back with me and I’m not interested? Yep, he’s going to know.

      An ex still trying to get back and I am interested or unsure of my current situation? Maybe.

      The issue here is 1) no addressing the issue and 2) he’s unable to file just yet.

      I knoew there’s not much I can do about 2 until the time arrives but knowing the answer to 1 let’s me know the other party at least isn’t in the dark on how things need to be considered and discussed to get stuff going!

      Thanks for your feedback Kendall!

  • Esme

    This while thing just bothers me because I DESPISE secrets. If two people are in a committed relationship, there should be none. Does that mean I would just spill everything? Hell no. but, if asked, I will tell. I think not telling is a major red flag. The fact he didn’t answer your question tells me he may not be as invested as you. And that isn’t fair to you. Or him. I think the time for talk us OV-AH…and time for actions is now.

    • Carmen

      Ah yes… Evading or ignoring is totally unacceptable.

      But once again, I’ve done something I should not have done- communicated something important via text as opposed to in person.

      And again… I started venting, bitching and moaning and talking all kinds of crap within the first few days after an issue has arisen.

      Still… Things will change because its obvious until the leftover items have been resolved, my conscious won’t be at ease.

      • Esme

        Ooh…the texting thing isn’t cool…slap on the wrist for you. I say, though, you wouldn’t have had to bitch and moan if he just would have answered the question.

        • Carmen

          Slap in the face with a brass knuckle.

          We got this all cleared up yesterday via phone and again last night.

          He says he did reply. Hmm.

          Tell you this much, I have vowed to reserve anything that is more important than where’s the deodorant will be communicated verbally and preferably, in person!

  • 1_Silver Fox

    Well… I’ll say yes and no to what Kendall says.

    From a male perspective? We could careless if the woman we are with has told an ex, but she better make sure anyone trying to step to her OR get back is aware.

    Does a person wait until this comes up or readily share this? I’m going with your guy only telling this “almost” ex only if it comes up.

    I was hoping this cat was smart but I guess we will see how this turns out.

    • Carmen

      @ Silver… Time will tell. I feel like each experience, episode, event and interaction with men is preparing me for something great.

      Someone asked me yesterday if I could imagine life without him and to think about that before saying or doing anything.

      I couldn’t immediately answer that question so its either a good thing or a bad thing.

      Again, evasive and vague works for some but not for me.

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