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He can blame himself in the end- Pt. 1

So much has transpired since my update last weekend. Of course, my girls who have seen me know the details of all that went down with me and Rescue and for you others – read it here because I simply don’t have the energy to rehash it.

That last line sounds like a state of defeat, doesn’t it?

As of today (Saturday) night, I have to admit to myself that something went away within the last couple of days. Saying that I’m no longer in love with Rescue would be a lie BUT saying I’ve lost THAT feeling is completely true.

You know what I’m talking about? I can’t really put it into words but if you’ve really cared about someone and your hopes and dreams for a future with them suddenly dissipated like water in a desert, you understand what I mean.

Things WERE okay with the two of us for about two days, on the surface at least.

Not to solid of an update right?

Well my emotions and feelings aren’t stable either, as I have been up and down, happy and sad, pissed and mad.

PMS is only magnifying my behavior by 1000%.

Relationship woes on top of everything else I’ve got to deal with? Like I said before, I’m just not cut out for it.

But before I go into details which will make this a two part post, let me first give the update:

Last Saturday morning, after a great love making session I was getting dressed. Had it in my mind that at some point during the long weekend I would gently present the 6 month question to see if Rescue had looked into it. The 6 months I’m referring to is the special exception for divorce filings in the state in which he was married vs waiting a full year after separation.

As he lay in bed partially asleep, I was a little disappointed that again, I was about to head out with child to a family function but without the feeling of a complete family. Let me clarify – me, significant other and child instead of it always being single parent and child. But I’m reasonable, I guess. He works a crappy shift at night, so needs sleep during the day, right?

So I quietly chastised myself for thinking so selfishly,figured I would leave any discussion about divorce alone for another couple of months, and finished dressing. I was okay and in a happy place. Until that fuc#er started receiving text messages, followed by him eventually making a call.

Moments later, he told the caller they would meet up in an hour or so to take care of some business and with that, he was out of bed. Feeling passed off was an understatement as my little patting motions of applying makeup suddenly turned into pounds on my face.

Hold on, don’t judge me. I know you’re thinking “at least the man is working AND doing things above and beyond to make money”, but hear me out. Rescue’s weak points from the FIRST time we were in a relationship dealt with time and girlfriend management. I totally understand the work and any extras, but hell – I have to always work around his odd off days during the week, but he can sacrifice daytime sleep hours without trying to work in a quick breakfast or movie break with me? THAT seems selfish, to me.

Okay, the time spent together just enjoying us hasn’t been there for the last couple of weeks and I know – he’s working hard to get back on his feet. Exactly my reasoning for why he should not have embarked on being in a relationship with me, especially with all of the s*it and baggage I’m having to get behind.

So anyway, he’s getting ready to shower in preparation for his meeting and in the calmest, friendliest and curious tone possible I asked “Have you and _______ talked about the 6 month separation agreement yet?”. He looked puzzled and replied “No”, and I asked him why not. “Because there’s nothing more for us to talk about; we know what needs to happen to get the divorce going and can’t do anything until after a year”. Uh, not exactly.

I proceeded to explain the information I had researched and before I could even finish my sentence, he says “It will get done; You’ve never been married before, you’ve never lived in _____, so I don’t know what you think you know from the Internet or some book, but there’s a process. He then kissed me on the cheek, turned and walked away and headed for the shower.

What the fu*k?? Did he walk away AND dismiss any information I had to share and sealed it with a kiss?

Pissed. Frustrated. Enraged. Disgusted. Annoyed.

There aren’t enough adjectives I can think of right now to describe how I was feeling.

I yelled out “well maybe your time line just doesn’t work for ME!”

Rescue didn’t hear all of what I said and came back out of the bathroom to talk. He’s not (that) dumb; he could tell from my facial expression that things were going from bad to worse in lightening speed.

In his defense, he DID try to talk things over with me as he started talking with a much more pleasant, and patient tone by saying “Listen to me Carmen, it will…” but I no longer heard his words and no longer saw him. Instead I heard my mind telling me “you tried” and I could no longer see him through eyes blurred by tears. Instead, I turned and walked away and we both finished dressing in silence.

Before walking out the door he says “so you’re not going to talk to me?”

I don’t know what happened after that because any other words he’d spoken were being received by MY back.

To be continued…

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

16 Comments

  • 1 Silver_Fox

    Not good so far, so I’m hoping part two has a better ending.

    I can understand why you’re not happy.

    It sounds like this brother is trying to juggle too many things at once and just as expected, at some point you’re bound to drop something.

    I can’t even say hang in there at this point. You keep on the track you’re going it will end badly.

  • Melzie

    Hey Carmen. As you’ve stated, you’re in a place of battling not only him but all of the items that come along as a package. I’ll wait until your next post so I can have a better understanding, but I may have said it before…as a *single* woman there are things we expect that don’t align when the one we’re “relating with” is tied to another life. If he’s waiting a year to get the divorce in motion, the least he can do is supplement the limbo with quality time….I know very few see time as a make or break thing but it is crucial. Hang in there, sis.

    • Carmen

      Hey Mel and yes- my point exactly. I’m already subjecting myself to the baggage issues and now the qt is gone as well?

      In fact, the time we did spend was really the saving grace.

      I feel like I’m making excuses for him when I say I understand the need for him to get the cash flow right to get back on track with his life but damn.

      He’s including me in his life but excluding at the same time.

      I’d hate to be known as the woman who dumped the man she loves TWICE because he worked a lot.

      Instead, I think this situation qualifies as neglect.

      By the way, it’s been 5 days since I’ve seen him. The longest period of time since we’ve been seeing each other this go around.

      He’s thinking I need space. I’m avoiding him to prepare myself for the inevitable.

  • Kimmie

    Dealing with his baggage is one thing but come on – don’t tell me other things are falling apart too!

    At what point does this dude get it that he’s not quite prime boyfriend material.

    Carmen I can understand where you are with your feelings but at some point you’re going to say “when”.

    Yes, he can work hard to make money but he needs to learn how to balance things with you as well.

    Have you talked to him about this?

    • Carmen

      Kimmie, I’ve mentioned it about the fact that quality time is now suffering. Why bring it up again?

      Either he gets it that this is an important issue, setting aside the marital status or he doesn’t.

  • 1 Silver_Fox

    Well Carmen if you’re not sure, there may be hope.

    But I don’t think he will ever get it. Second time around and the same issues?

    That’s why going backwards sometimes isn’t a good idea.

    • Carmen

      I know Silver, I know.

      I guess that’s why I named this post what I did.

      I’m not seeing how the eventual ending of this relationship is my fault.

      Frustrating situation all the way around.

  • Esme

    I’m going to say this in his defense about the time thing-and you already know how I feel about this issue.

    A lot of marriages and relationships fall apart for firemen, police, and paramedics. I hate to blame it on the job, but it happens more often than not. I loved my schedule-24 hours on/48 hours off. It seems like you would have a lot of time for family…but you don’t. Sometimes you would get held over on a call. Sometimes your relief doesn’t show and you are on a mandatory 24 hour holdover. Sometimes you run every hour on that shift, and it literally takes the next 24 hours to recover. Sometimes you just don’t have what it takes emotionally to be ‘all in’ with your family depending on the caliber of calls you just ran.

    So in short, quality time can be very hard. You can plan, and sometimes it just won’t work. However, for the most part he knows his schedule better than anyone. If he truly wanted quality time, he could do it. Sometimes it takes a lot of pre-planning, but it is possible.

    Food for thought.

    • Carmen

      Well Esme, not so fast.

      He’s no longer working as a fire fighter, but yes – the hours because he’s low man on totem pole are c-r-a-p-p-y.

      But I can certainly appreciate the line of work of anyone that isn’t the gravy 7am to 4pm Monday through Friday shift I’ve been blessed with for over 10 years. I understand the job’s hour.

      He has two days straight a week off, all I’m asking for is an hour. A quick lunch.

      The days he has to work and be in by 6pm in the evening? Sure, sleep is needed during the day, but can I get 30 minutes maybe for a quick walk just to catch up?

      The mornings when he comes to my house after work were okay, but other than time for a quick romp and some small talk, that’s about it because I leave early in the morning.

      What prompted this manic-I’m over this post?

      The last 5 or 6 nights he’s been working overtime so I don’t even get the cozy, warm body moments now.

      What’s the point?

      This isn’t a relationship, it’s a situation.

  • Kimmie

    I agree with Mel… We need part two. But I also think you’ve had enough and it sounds like things came to a head in the last week or so.

    Let things settle abit before doing anything.

  • me

    You said it yourself in your reply to Mel… you are avoiding him to avoid the inevitable…
    Tear off the bandage and move on. It doesn’t seem like there are enough good times (QT) to outweigh the bad times (neglect, lack of compassion, etc.)
    And all the feeling & emotions you mentioned early on: you had more negatives than positives. Is that how you want a relationship to be?
    Me & my guy work about 60 hrs a week each, have time with our kids AND still spend at least a few QT hours together EVERY day. It takes 2 to committ to a realtionship, this sounds very one-sided to me.

    • Carmen

      @ Me – yes, yes. I’m just feeling like the person who has to give their handicapped pet up for adoption of something.

      In his defense, this neglect has only been for the last two weeks.

      Still, the 7 day notice to him has been issued as of yesterday advising he had better produce some results. I didn’t give an ultimatum but just made it clear that I felt things were going in the direction of several years ago.

      You’re absolutely right – takes two do make things work.

      I’m just chuckling thinking about how extreme my dating and relationships can be.

      The last one? Full Metal Jacket? Wanted ALL of my time, wanted to see me every day and sometimes even night. Wanted to go everywhere with me. I felt smothered.

      I’m waiting for that secret recipe, I’ll get it right.

      • Kimmie

        Okay, so as suspected – he’s slacked off in the last couple of weeks. Yes, he can and SHOULD try to do something with you.

        I’m frustrated for you because it seems like it’s one thing after another.

        • Carmen

          Yes Kimmie – the last 2 weeks ever since he returned from a business trip.

          I hear all of you about what he should be doing and I certainly (based on my experience and actions with him before) can’t make excuses for him but let me ask this – does this apply to any man/woman in a relationship who, due to their work or travels is deficient in the quality time department with their significant others and not just to Rescue because this is in addition to everything else?

          Basically, at what point is it too much? Two weeks? A month? Off and on? Meaning they slack, it is brought to their attention and they get their act together but then fall off the wagon and start slacking again?

          I’m really trying this time around to think a little more logically as opposed to emotionally. Granted, Rescue probably isn’t the best beta test because of that minor snag (seriously downplaying the whole marriage thing) but as Esme pointed out, the type of job/hours should be considered.

          A little something to think about I suppose.

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