So much has transpired since my update last weekend. Of course, my girls who have seen me know the details of all that went down with me and Rescue and for you others – read it here because I simply don’t have the energy to rehash it.
That last line sounds like a state of defeat, doesn’t it?
As of today (Saturday) night, I have to admit to myself that something went away within the last couple of days. Saying that I’m no longer in love with Rescue would be a lie BUT saying I’ve lost THAT feeling is completely true.
You know what I’m talking about? I can’t really put it into words but if you’ve really cared about someone and your hopes and dreams for a future with them suddenly dissipated like water in a desert, you understand what I mean.
Things WERE okay with the two of us for about two days, on the surface at least.
Not to solid of an update right?
Well my emotions and feelings aren’t stable either, as I have been up and down, happy and sad, pissed and mad.
PMS is only magnifying my behavior by 1000%.
Relationship woes on top of everything else I’ve got to deal with? Like I said before, I’m just not cut out for it.
But before I go into details which will make this a two part post, let me first give the update:
Last Saturday morning, after a great love making session I was getting dressed. Had it in my mind that at some point during the long weekend I would gently present the 6 month question to see if Rescue had looked into it. The 6 months I’m referring to is the special exception for divorce filings in the state in which he was married vs waiting a full year after separation.
As he lay in bed partially asleep, I was a little disappointed that again, I was about to head out with child to a family function but without the feeling of a complete family. Let me clarify – me, significant other and child instead of it always being single parent and child. But I’m reasonable, I guess. He works a crappy shift at night, so needs sleep during the day, right?
So I quietly chastised myself for thinking so selfishly,figured I would leave any discussion about divorce alone for another couple of months, and finished dressing. I was okay and in a happy place. Until that fuc#er started receiving text messages, followed by him eventually making a call.
Moments later, he told the caller they would meet up in an hour or so to take care of some business and with that, he was out of bed. Feeling passed off was an understatement as my little patting motions of applying makeup suddenly turned into pounds on my face.
Hold on, don’t judge me. I know you’re thinking “at least the man is working AND doing things above and beyond to make money”, but hear me out. Rescue’s weak points from the FIRST time we were in a relationship dealt with time and girlfriend management. I totally understand the work and any extras, but hell – I have to always work around his odd off days during the week, but he can sacrifice daytime sleep hours without trying to work in a quick breakfast or movie break with me? THAT seems selfish, to me.
Okay, the time spent together just enjoying us hasn’t been there for the last couple of weeks and I know – he’s working hard to get back on his feet. Exactly my reasoning for why he should not have embarked on being in a relationship with me, especially with all of the s*it and baggage I’m having to get behind.
So anyway, he’s getting ready to shower in preparation for his meeting and in the calmest, friendliest and curious tone possible I asked “Have you and _______ talked about the 6 month separation agreement yet?”. He looked puzzled and replied “No”, and I asked him why not. “Because there’s nothing more for us to talk about; we know what needs to happen to get the divorce going and can’t do anything until after a year”. Uh, not exactly.
I proceeded to explain the information I had researched and before I could even finish my sentence, he says “It will get done; You’ve never been married before, you’ve never lived in _____, so I don’t know what you think you know from the Internet or some book, but there’s a process. He then kissed me on the cheek, turned and walked away and headed for the shower.
What the fu*k?? Did he walk away AND dismiss any information I had to share and sealed it with a kiss?
Pissed. Frustrated. Enraged. Disgusted. Annoyed.
There aren’t enough adjectives I can think of right now to describe how I was feeling.
I yelled out “well maybe your time line just doesn’t work for ME!”
Rescue didn’t hear all of what I said and came back out of the bathroom to talk. He’s not (that) dumb; he could tell from my facial expression that things were going from bad to worse in lightening speed.
In his defense, he DID try to talk things over with me as he started talking with a much more pleasant, and patient tone by saying “Listen to me Carmen, it will…” but I no longer heard his words and no longer saw him. Instead I heard my mind telling me “you tried” and I could no longer see him through eyes blurred by tears. Instead, I turned and walked away and we both finished dressing in silence.
Before walking out the door he says “so you’re not going to talk to me?”
I don’t know what happened after that because any other words he’d spoken were being received by MY back.
To be continued…
Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.