“You guys don’t get a lot of what men are trying to communicate or do so stop trying so hard to analyze everything”.
Yes, this is what my dear friend named Papa Bear said to me last week. I’m a 36 year-old woman, of course I know there is normally a communication barrier between the sexes but this time, I think it finally sank in just how much.
As tired and exasperated I was after what I shall affectionately dub as “the worst holiday weekend ever”, I wondered what else can I do.
Rescue and I have pretty much done some major damage with our hiatus from seeing each other, slow down with telephone calls and the ultimate text message showdown where he said “maybe we should back off things a bit” and I agreed.
Sitting in a crappy bathroom stall at work boo hoping, giving updates to my network and THEN trying to focus on work while AT work was just too much. So as I drove down the 605 freeway in total silence, it dawned on me that throughout all of this drama (all three times) with Rescue, I had never asked for the input of a man.
I certainly could have done it sooner. I mean, Rescue is living with the person responsible for us having met but I just couldn’t bring myself to bring up my issues to him.
For one, a conversation his friend (we’ll call him “Mike”) didn’t seem right because not only are very close friends, I’d divulged too many details the first time I ended things. Two, Mike and I had a conversation when I first started dealing with Rescue again and a couple of things stood out and remain in my mind so I’m not too sure I want him to know what’s been going on.
For instance, Mike questioned why I would get involved with him in the first place and asked if I knew that he had a lot going on? Yes, I had replied, I know it didn’t really make sense and said it was something I was okay with dealing with for the moment. I also said I had no plans of getting serious (and at the time, I was truthful because I was still seeing other men until around March or April). Another thing that stuck with me is when Mike asked what I wanted long term; I said I wanted a real relationship that ultimately leads to marriage.
Cryptic message or was he just asking – “how do you know that once Rescue gets his stuff together and gets divorced, he’s still going to be interested in what he’s saying NOW that he wants? Well shit, I DON’T know and I guess I will just have to have a little faith and see. I wanted to dig a little deeper and ask if there was something he was trying to imply, but I didn’t and left it at that.
So keeping this conversation in mind, perhaps you can see why I wasn’t too hopeful that any other man could offer anything insightful to my issues.
Still, I dialed the number of the one man I know who never sugar coats anything and sticks to the truth in your face like flies on.. Well, you know. After my intro “Hey, how are you Papa Bear” and “I want to run this by you” statements, Papa says “Stop stalling and tell me- What the hell did you do? Did that mouth of yours cause you to break up?”
Again, no sugar coating here. I explain the situation about the divorce and the three arguments the topic led to and Papa says “Carmen, of course you wouldn’t understand honey, because you’re a w-o-m-a-n. We aren’t like you, we don’t talk in riddles leaving you guessing to figure stuff out. If he says he will get divorced, you need to trust that he will or leave him alone until he does. Period.”
It is at about this point where I want to put on a customer service smile and tell him thank you and have a nice day!
Instead, I go on to share my “new” information about the 6 month divorce process and complain that I think Rescue is hiding something because he won’t acknowledge it nor will he say why he can’t do it sooner. Again, Papa dismisses me with the quickness by saying “So fuc*ing what, he doesn’t have to explain anything of the sort to you”.
Huh? Why the hell not? I’m his girlfriend, we’re talking about a future together, possibly relocating out of state, raising kids together and damn, he has a key. I feel that with me being open about everything, he should as well.
Nope. Not according to the minds of men.
According to them, they are not like us and our thinking is often completely different. Papa goes on to say that while a woman will give every intimate detail about everything, down to the steps action plan, implementation and color and size of their panties, men? You get a statement of the facts and… That’s about it.
My new found relationship confidant explained that my “new” information didn’t mean a thing and said it was MY fault for not having done my research BEFORE agreeing to anything with this man and as I have alluded to admittedly, in previous posts, it was wrong of me to try changing the rules after the fact. Bottom line, he said is this- “you either trust that he will do what he says he will in a year time or move on adding that Rescue could have made an agreement with his wife on this time frame as well. Better yet, it could be something personal, complex or embarrassing as the reason he may not be inclined to discuss any details.
Finally, Papa’s last couple of words included the following:
1. If a year comes and you see no action on Rescues’ part, then you have every right to go nuts and dump him.
2. Relax and stop creating unnecessary drama. You say you loive him so love him and have fun with it.
And lastly just as I mumbled “okay, but I am not going to apologize Papa says
3. Call him and apologize. You were wrong.
And so I did. Pulled over to the side of the road, took a sip of water, swallowed my pride, took another sip of water, gulped down some more pride and made the call.
I apologized, told him why I was doing it and reminded him that this situation is foreign to me. I would never have gotten involved with a man who had a “situation”, girlfriend and certainly not a wife and asked if he could understand a couple of things.
I asked if he could understand that I was uncertain? He said yes.
I asked if he realized that I was afraid of failing and more so, of being hurt? Again, he said yes.
I asked if he knew just how much I loved him? You guessed it, he said yes.
Then, Rescue said he had a question for me – “WHO have you been talking to??”. I innocently replied “Why?” And he says because what you just said sounds completely different than you and it sounds like you came to a specific realization.
Damn him. 🙂
So after all of that it seems like we cleared the air and things would be okay.
But I’ll be damned if a few days later we aren’t in the same situation of limbo and me feeling like this just isn’t meant to be.
I give up!
Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.