Break Ups,  Married Men,  My Dating Hangovers,  Red Flags,  When you're dating your ex

Part Deaux

 

It has been eight days since Rescue and I had our latest "incident", seven days
since we last saw each other, and six days since I apologized and two hours have passed
since he and I had what I hope was the beginning of a break through conversation.

Yes, I apologized and the reason why is simple:  Men and women think differently.

This is by no means a statement that has never been heard before, but at that moment when I pulled over to the side of the road and inhaled, then exhaled before making my call to him I realized this was the gospel truth.

Now before I go on to explain what on earth led to ME saying that I was sorry to HIM let me explain how things just seemed to come to a head all within a 72 hour period.

In part one of this fiasco in "He Can Blame Himself In the End" I mentioned my dissatisfaction with what seems like everything and just days before that, I basically felt like it was time to throw in the towel as I griped about "The Ah Ha Moment" with a feeling of utter failure when it comes to relationships.

I don't know how else to explain this wave of emotions that range from me preparing myself for life as a single woman again to wondering if everything we've been dealing with lately is really worth the stress and aggravation.  PMS, love and fear of failure would be the top three reasons right now.

For the most part, Rescue and I get along great.  I'm thankful there are no mood swings, excessive behavior like drinking, cursing or smoking and we are actually friends more than anything.  Yet at the same time the one issue with his marital status (you know, when is the divorce going to get under way) seemed like something I couldn't get past and now Rescue has created yet a second issue - the quality time factor.

Maybe the fact that I have never been involved (at least not knowingly) with a man who was not completely available is the problem, but I guess what I've been looking for is some type of money back guarantee about this divorce.  Rescue's reaction and the ridiculously aloof manner in which he responds to anything relating to his wife certainly qualify as grounds for immediate termination. I've mentioned to him a few times that he comes across as someone who has all the answers when being questioned about something as simple as the creation of his web site to being asked about this 6 month vs. 1 year dissolution process.  Just as our mutual friend of ours shared with me a few weeks ago he told Rescue that he should stop acting as if he knows it all and has everything figured out because obviously, the way he's struggling now - he doesn't know jack.

Instead of considering that maybe, just maybe, someone may be able to offer something he doesn't already know, he comes across as being a little defensive if he's being questioned on pretty much anything.  Rescue's complaint about me? That I have continued to ask him repeatedly (this is the third time) about the whole process and timelines and my complaint?  If you would answer the question directly the FIRST time, there wouldn't be a need for a second and obviously you failed with your reply because I needed to bring it up yet again.

Men and Women think differently.

The major fuss (his words) we had that Sunday of Labor Day weekend was bad, I mean really bad.  My fiery attitude and feelings of indifference had carried over from Saturday and when I hadn't really heard from him and did not see him later that night as I normally would, I pretty much had wiped my hands of the situation and had given up.  He must be hiding something because he is being so evasive.   Just when I'm feeling calm enough to sit down and have a talk with him, he figured I "needed space" and didn't come in that night and instead of giving me "time to think", he made things go from bad to worse.  So as I sat drinking my tears away with my girlfriend who had just dumped her boyfriend hours earlier, I did what you should never do when you're upset.

I started communicating by text message.  While drinking.

About three or four exchanges later I had to adjust my eyes to make sure I was seeing straight because he actually actually told me that (my line of questioning) "just too much for him" and suggested we "back off things a bit until things were finalized".  My reply?  "Okay, fine!"

Obviously, he wasn't expecting that kind of reply at all because he immediately said he didn't want to make any hasty decisions and suggested we stop the dialogue because otherwise we may end up doing the type of damage to the relationship that cannot be repaired.  Stop?  Hell no I didn't stop, the flood gates had been opened and I had been wanting to tell him the SAME thing for weeks since I felt me having to wait for HIM to get it together AND get all of his baggage taken care of was just too much for me.  Seeing him send those words suggesting a break was some what liberating because for once, I wasn't going to be the bad guy who ends things because it has always been me who has to do it.

After the last sip of my drink, I sent the last text which simply said "I hope whatever you're hiding was worth it because IT will be what caused the end of us".

Drums please.  Ring the bells.  Bang the cymbals.  Strike the piano chord.

It's over!

Okay, not exactly.

But I did stop responding, and he panicked.  He texted, he called, he texted, he called.  I did nothing and eventually turned the phone off.  I put on my tough girl-I'm-okay-I-saw-this-coming bravado as my friend asked me if I was okay.  Sure I was... until we parted ways; I got inside my car and cried.  Not the kind where tears are flowing and you're quietly weeping but the dry heave, chest caving in and out type of crying.  Obviously, I was not okay.

Monday comes and goes, quietly.  I put my clothes and poker face on and go on about my day with the nerve to post that I'd easily come to grips with the reality that this situation was just too much for me and pretending that a shopping trip and contact from two previous hangovers that same weekend was enough to help me easily get past this.

What was Rescue doing?  Not giving up as easily as I was trying to.  He continued calling, not as frequently as normal but he still would call.  A text here and there, a dry reply from me in return.  Monday night I cried myself to sleep but was too damn stubborn to just pick up the phone and call, tell him we can work through this and talk about when we were seeing each other again.  I wouldn't do it.  I figured I had enough of trying to talk to him, what's the point?

Tuesday, back to work.  Several times throughout the day I found myself in the bathroom, crying so at some point I realized I was either not ready for ANYTHING to be over or was developing a serious case of a bipolar condition.

Thankfully, it wasn't the latter and thankfully, I decided to make a telephone call that would shed a completely different light on this issue like never before.

I called someone who's opinion was golden and has been one of very few people who will stick it to me straight with no vaseline.  A person who has been married and divorced, in serious relationships and then at one point in life realized having friends was a much better fit.

I didn't dare call another girlfriend, I finally decided to call a man.  Within a matter of ten minutes I really and truly understood that MEN and WOMEN think differently.

Until there's a cure for the hangovers...

Carmen

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

9 Comments

  • Esme

    I feel like you just left me hanging there, girlfriend. So what happened with you two??

    I hate those dry heaving, chest caving crying jags. And I hate how long it can take to get over someone that you don’t do it anymore. Truth be told, I still cry over M. Few and far between, but it happens. Hang in there, and I’m here if you need me 🙂

    • Carmen

      Oh Esme, I don’t know. We’ve talked but something doesn’t feel right. I’ve accepted the year situation but in the midst of trying to work through that, he has now created the quality time monster.

      Of course you’ll still have your moments over M and I can’t say what (if anything) might develop with that situation in the future, but we both know he will resurface in some way.

      I’m just sitting back and waiting. A few days ago I was ready to pull the trigger and just let everything go but I really don’t want that.

      So frustrating.

      Let’s think about something happier. What month in 2012 we thinking for a blogger trip??

      • Esme

        I’m thinking the dead of winter when you just need to get away. Like March. I’ve hit a snag with this surgery thing, and am hoping I’m still on track for healing. I should know more soon!

  • Caleb

    It took you that long to finally call a man to figure out what was going on? And the main insight was that men and women think differently?

    Get outta town! 😉

    Isn’t it funny how men’s aloofness fades when you finally say “okay, fine then. Later.” And quit communicating?

    Also, it’s funny how women’s “Okay, fine then. Later” attitudes fail after a pretty short time period?

    Turns out men and women are both great bluffers, but the problem is we both have a shitty hand.

    • Carmen

      Damn Caleb! If I hadn’t JUST received your latest post I would have thought you ran off and eloped or something.

      Yes, it took me that long to talk to a man.

      In retrospect, I realize we (women) never really think of considering the opinion/insight of a man because…uh… We’re usually pissed at something stupid you have done and are looking for support, not “I told you so”. Not a bad idea to consider talking to one of the players on the offense when going through some kind of issue.

      Bluffing? Normally the “okay, fine” or “it’s over” followed by not communicating has worked pretty well for me. I haven’t second guessed my actions or anything but this time it’s different.

      Too much work. Perhaps I should just consider an old man who just wants someone to role play or something. Sounds much easier than managing a relationship. 😮

  • Kimmie

    Geesh, sounds like you’ve been going through it. I can only imagine what twist your guy friend put on things but you’re right, we process things differently. e

    • Carmen

      Understatement Kimmie about going through it. I’m just going to sit back and observe.

      Someone asked me if I was ready to be done with it all, no turning back and changing my mind and doing it again?

      It took me less than a second to reply NO.

  • 1 Silver_Fox

    You decided to ask a man, huh? What was his reply, you’re wrong? LOL

    Seriously, this situation sounds like it has its ups and downs but I don’t think you’re dealing with anything you can’t get through.

    If you had infidelity, substance or any other type of abuse or something else just as extreme, then yes – you’d need to really think about throwing in the towel.

    Your guy just needs to realize the severity of the matter and take some action.

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