Break Ups,  Married Men,  My Dating Hangovers,  Relationship 101,  When you're dating your ex

A Week of Revelations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Week of Revelations

Only time will tell what happens with him or any of these other three OR any of the others I didn’t have time to mention here.”

 I guess the most appropriate place to begin this post is by starting where I left off.  It’s been a little over a week since I last posted and other than the occasional feelings of disappointment, reasoning and a slew of other thoughts and random emotions, not much has really happened directly.  Meaning, I’ve finally taken my own advice of just sitting back and observing what is transpiring in my life when it comes to men. 

I even (get ready) stayed (yep, here it comes) home (really, I did) on one of the busiest (behind New Years and 4th of July) weekends for partying (here comes the scary part) and carefully reviewed the actions of each of those mentioned in A Tale of Four Men.

I really have problems keeping things succinct, but I’ll try. 

First up…….

Rescue 911 – “Ah….no wonder.  It’s in his nature even if he’s no longer doing it not to let things perish.  He may be thinking he can douse just enough water to smolder the fire and in his mind, he’s not letting something die”.   This was something Tall Glass of Wine said to me while we were sharing battlefield survival break up stories on our way to the Foo Fighters concert.  I told him I didn’t understand why after being told repeatedly “It’s not working”, “I don’t want to be with you”, “You’re unable to deal with me in a relationship” and every other phrase you could imagine why he would not give up.

He loves me. 

Without a doubt, I know that Rescue loves me from my almond shaped eyes to my swollen foot.  He’s never had any problems expressing how he feels and what he wants with me on down the road.  Still, his inability to handle life challenges and adversity?  His inability to communicate with the person he’s with?  His inability to see that you trying to go through your battles privately when you are in a relationship is a surefire way to end up SINGLE?  Rescue doesn’t get any of this.  It’s like trying to teach someone without fingers how to quickly tie their shoes.

We are quickly approaching a month – an entire month since I have seen him and I’ll guarantee you this, it isn’t due to lack of trying to connect with me on his part.  He’s tried to talk to me (I’m too annoyed or pissed to accept his calls with the exception of ONE on Friday).  He’s come by the house twice that I know of (and while I don’t know if he’s tried, I’m a little tickled by the thought of his expression trying what he thinks is the door key).  He has texted me asking when we can sit down and talk.  All requests, ignored.  He’s doing just enough not to let that imaginary person or building perish in a fire.  Rescue is acting like a rescuer.

I have those random moments when I may respond and engage in a textversation but it never leads to anything too promising.  I’m thinking back to a comment one of the readers made last week when she said “any response is still a response” but in my mind, this is how I’m slowly weaning myself off the nipple.

Admittedly, there have been a few things that have struck a chord with me to think “Hmm, maybe I should just see him and hear him out”.  Maybe.

The jury is still out but things don’t look promising for a turnaround with this situation at all.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

Good on Paper – You’ll be happy to know that this update will be brief.   Very brief indeed as I have nothing to provide by way of details.  I have not heard anything further from this hangover and must say, he’s consistent and predictable.  I kind of like that.  GOP puts it out there what he’s looking for (booty) and is behaving as such to avoid any confusion about what the situation is (none of those “how are you” calls or texts in the meantime).  I’m okay with not hearing from him and am praying that my hormones cooperate with me and don’t lead to a reunion with him anytime soon.

 I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

 Tall Glass of Wine – By the end of last week I realized what his story was – he’s bored.

Yes, I said bored.  This guy ended his relationship the day before I ended mine, but had been so intertwined with his ex-girlfriend and her children his days were pretty full. 

I never really asked for the details, but knowing he’s an active “get up and go” type of guy, I’m figuring they spent their free time on outings be it bike riding, hiking, movies, dinner, you name it.  I did mention long ago that Tall Glass liked to have a good time and expense rarely seemed to be a problem.

So when he calls me on a Tuesday night…. Let me pause here for a moment.  It’s a Tuesday night (only two days into a new week), a school night (he is fully aware that I have an underage child, not a latchkey kid WITH homework), knowing I wake up at the crack of dawn for work.  Unpause.  …saying “Hey, let’s go grab some sushi”, I was like huh?  I replied “Uh, you know I’m not a sushi nut like you though I’ll eat cucumber rolls all night but did you forget about my little one over here?”  “Oh.  Yeah.  My bad.”

I thanked Tall Glass for the invite and reminded him that unlike his last situation, I didn’t have teenagers and even so, I needed a little more notice on a week night to get myself ready.  I’ve got no problems with spontaneity but to an extent, you know?

Later that evening he sends me a text apologizing and saying he realizes how different his life is now that he ended things with his ex.  I told him that means he needs to figure out what he really wants to do that makes him happy without having to tie his freedom from boredom to another person.  That pretty much ended the texting that night and it turned me off a little.  Tall Glass is attempting to use me as some sort of filler.

Sunday night around 7pm he sends me a text message asking if I wanted to catch a movie.  I replied “that’s what I mainly use my Friday and Saturday night’s for, Sunday’s is more of a family day” to which he replies “I guess I’ll go by my lonesome self and enjoy it”.  Huh?  I jokingly (yeah right, a girl was serious as a heart-attack) replied back “maybe it’s time to do the family thing too” certainly not expecting him to send back “I had one with the ex”.

Damn, and I thought I was having issues with my break up.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

That leaves me with just one more of the fantastic four (and I say this with all of the cynicism my soul can bare):  Special Agent.

I just scrolled back up for a moment to see how I was working on my succinctness?  Fail.

 How can I quickly summarize the things I’ve noticed with Special Agent in this last week?

 I can’t.

 I’ll have to come back with a follow up because there were a few eyebrow raising moments and I called him on each and every one of them.  In addition, I have a couple of theories about him.  I’m not saying they’re all bad or anything but definitely things to note.

Something funny he told me after reading last week’s post is that he felt I was holding back because I knew he was reading and this is the furthest thing from the truth.  In fact, I’m tempted to e-mail links to ALL posts about Rescue to him so he can read about how he’s responsible for the demise of his relationship.  Tempting, very tempting.

I digressed, now back to Special Agent.  Again, nothing will be withheld, especially not from him.  He comes across as the type of man who is a man’s man – will take being sliced across the hand without so much as a wince just to prove a point that he’s – well, a man.  So anything that is being written about him here (unless he specifically requests that I leave out or simply not mention something that is personal or privy), he’d better be kicking back in his office, feet on the desk and glasses on ready to suck it up.

I definitely sat back and observed this one, making notes of what has occurred.

More to come.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers….

 Carmen ~

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

43 Comments

  • Esme

    I figured Rescue would go down that route…those guys by nature just can’t let go. I’m guilty of it as well. I truly believe it comes with the job…which sounds like such a cop out. And I know I tried to explain this on the phone, but I feel like I fail miserably when I do 🙂

    As for the others, I’m totally digging the sit back and watch philosophy.

    And my two cents on the Rescue/talk thing…because I know you are on the edge of your seat right now wondering ‘What Would Esme Do’? I think sometimes those talks can bring about an immense amount of closure. But you have to be in the right frame of mind of ‘whatevs’. Plus, it gives you a great opportunity to tell someone to fuck off if you want to 😉

    And of course, I really want to know what happened with SA. You’re killing me here…

    • Carmen

      Sorry E, I think you and Jessie are thinking the same thing but I want to make sure I separate SA from the pack. He’s the only one who has been able to keep my interest, and even though we only started communicating more regularly within the last couple of weeks, I’m curious to learn more about him. Still, as I alluded to in this morning’s post, there’s always something.

      Funny, I thought of you when Tall Glass was telling me about the “rescue syndrome” because I felt you were probably the same, especially when it came to M. What you explained makes sense, as twisted as it sounds. I truly believe that anyone in the line of work you two chose are “special” anyway. Not only have you forced your bodies to get accustomed to insane working conditions, hours and stress, but the way you have to function in relatonships is what firefighter/paramedics are known for. Did you know there was actually a support group type web site out there for those (women) who chose to date people in your line of work? I was like “is it THAT serious?” when I first stumbled on it and now I’m wondering where the web site is for those who did DATE one and need recovery afterwards. Hell, where’s the “how to date an asshole” or “crazy bitch” web site located. I’m sure we can refer a few folks there.

      Love the “what would Esme do” because I’m sure as hell hoping that my “it’s over” doesn’t drag on and go back and forth but for goodness sake – why are women forsaken with the need to have closure? That word?? It’s like…like…a curse or something. How many men have you known who said they needed closure? I’m willing to bet not many. They brush the break up off as “shit happens” and probably keep it pushing.

      We’ll see if a sit down takes place.

    • Jessie

      Okay, this is a first- I’ve never really known a female firefighter so to hear that the perspectives might be the same is interesting.

      Why are some people so predictable?? Rescue is textbook but he’s still hanging in there thought he’s not doing anything even close to spectacular.

      His actions alone would either annoy me or keep me wondering.

  • Kendall

    Interesting moves, or lack of I should say. I’m kind of liking the approach, nothing too hasty (even though how you broke it down to the first dude is plain as day).

    So what happens in the end if you start liking ALL of them.

    Now that would be a situation.

    I’m thinking you’ll give your dude another chance but then you’d go right back to the same deal right?

    • Carmen

      Thanks Kendall, though I can’t say that any of what I’md doing is any planned out approach. I think I’m just winging it at this point, waiting to see who moves their knight first and curse you (not literally, but I like that classic movie line) for even joking about liking them all. Just my luck, it may happen.

      Giving Rescue another chance? Sigh. Listening to anything he has to say has been what, almost a 30-day feat for him so I think it’s a long shot to think another chance. Not likely.

  • Caleb

    Good stuff. Though you need some new dudes- some of these guys have already been ousted and need to stay out of the picture. You take the trash to the street corner, Carmen- you don’t bring the trash back inside!

    And both men and women are always saying to people, “you need to figure out what you want.” In some fashion or another. But, last I checked, who the f*ck knows what they really want? We’re all just figuring it out, slowly, and with little success. I’ve given up on figuring it out. My dad, in an email recently, gave me some good advice.

    “You’re young enough to think there’s something better out there for you. There’s not. Settle in now and enjoy the ride. I should have tapped out at 20 instead of wrestling demons my whole life.”

    Gotta love dad- such an optimist!

    • Carmen

      My Caleb! Welcome back!

      You know I sit here panting, salivating…just waiting for your words of wisdom because to date, I don’t think you’ve been off with any feedback or comments you’ve shared. Hell yeah these dudes have been ousted (well really Good on Paper) and are old news. I just find it ironic that they all resurface within weeks of me being on the cusp of singlehood again.

      You’ve struck gold! You’re right, even now I can say I have NO clue what the hell I want. I can say that I THINK I’d rather be single and alone rather than deal with Rescue’s issues but the other side of me says “you’re crazy, thinking about getting back out there with the multitude of douchebags in the dating world??. Then there’s a part of me saying “some of these folks are right, he should be doing x, y and z to get you back” but another part is like “screw them, they can’t take care of their own issueS”.

      Talk about a Sybil moment. So I’ll just say I THINK I know what I want.

      Your Dad? Did he really tell you that, about settling in? If so. Tell the man he’s a genius.

  • Jessie

    Come on Carmen, you’re killing me with this to be continued Melrose Place type of man drama. What’s up with the agent? Stalker? Sex craved? Hat fetish? What??

    No surprises here – GOP needs to stay hidden. I’m about done with Rescue so unless he’s popping by with a trip to Hawaii or something, not much I can say would excite you at this point.

    • Carmen

      Did you say Melrose Place? Now that’s classic but I assure you Jessie, no Bill and Alison cliffhangers here. I was running out of time and wanted to give the agent his own spotlight.

      Yes, GOP is a piece of work and just as I posted today that I’d received no contact from him, I get a text about an hour ago. Some totally random blast bullshit, but still.

      Trip to Hawaii from Rescue? I’ll settle for a 6-12 month life plan and a divorce decree. =)

        • Carmen

          Hmm, good one Esme because you better believe that issue is not forgotten in the midst of all of this. I would be happy of course but that still doesn’t set aside his poor communication issues and ways of handling things. Something Rescue said to me a few months ago comes to mind: We were getting ready to go out and I think I’d finished fussing at him for something and he jokingly told me that I didn’t want to get rid of him. I told him I would if I had to and added that he’d be with a new woman or with another ex immediately because he doesn’t know how to be alone. HIs expression at hearing that? Priceless. Rescue told me that wasn’t the case and that he could be alone so I went in with the one-two punch and said “Oh yes, I can see you’re the relationship guy, hence you working on your second marriage”. Once I retracted the cat claws, I laughed it off and told him I was joking and he says “I know how to make relationships work, I’ve just been a poor judge of character with who I’ve tried to make them work with”.

          Really now? I guess I’m the anomaly because he swears he got it right with me but damn, he sure failed on the making relationship work part.

          • Kimmie

            I like what just about everyone has to say, but Sociallyte is right- it’s up to you mama. Tough choices for sure but you know what I like aboit reading your stuff?

            It’s real. You aren’t jist chopping up this experience as another men and on to the next. I can tell, you don”t want it to be over because if you did you wouldn’t be filling up internet space talking about Rescue this and Rescue that.

            Comparing your relationship to any others have pros and cons and of course, you realize right away that some situations are better than others.

            I’m starying to feel all preachy but I hope things work out no matter which direction you head in.

            Relationships seem like they’re not worth the trouble.

            • Carmen

              As cliche’ as it may sound, relationships are a lot of work and even more over stated is “marriages take a lot of work”.

              I have to keep telling myself that these experiences, these hangovers are all some type of training and preparation process.

              • Esme

                I’m always amazed at how much clearer things are after I let it all out! And I think my blog saved me from crying over M any longer…perish the thought… 😉

              • Carmen

                Too bad more men don’t blog.

                I mean really, part of the “miscommunication” is that men and women communicate differently and go about handling relationship problems differently.

                We will read a book, an article, a blog or just talk to other women or men for advice, feedback, ideas.

                They will likely say nothing and keep it pushing.

                Writing is therapy!

              • SocialLyte

                I just read your comment to Ginger Ann.

                I have 5 words for you-STOP being a NEGATIVE Nancy.

                If you go into a talk with him or another man thinking the worse that is what you will get.

                Genuinely, go into it thinking win an work, if not you will fail, so why bother.

                Focus Carmen, having a life partner is for LIFE. Scary as hell but worth it, if he thought you were the person he could get it right with then let him be RIGHT. Besides we all know men like to be right, but women are really the brains behind the whole operation.

                Be smart.

              • Carmen

                I know, I just had this reality check on my drive home.

                At times, a part of me wants it to be over so I can move on. Not have to worry about “will he drag out the divorce” or “what if he does this again”.

                I know, negative Nancy will get me negative results.

                Then a few seconds later I said let me just hear him out and hope for the best.

                I’m trying not to let my anger guide my decisions.

              • Esme

                Can I add two cents? I just have to say something…
                SociaLyte, I think for the most part you make a lot of sense. You can’t go into things with a negative attitude and blah blah blah. I TOTALLY agree…except for this situation. And Carmen, I’m gonna tell you why: (and of course I really look forward to any debate on this!)
                1. This is THE SECOND TIME you are having to deal with this! I mean, really?? One time around with this convo isn’t enough? He has to be repeatedly told the same things over and over again? Especially because I FIRMLY believe you tell it like it is. If I thought you were a pussy-footer, I may take back that statement. But you are not.
                2. And this is more directed at, I don’t know, everyone…HE IS STILL EFFING MARRIED!! If he has given me (you) any reason to believe that he is working diligently on changing that status, then I may be more willing to say ‘go in with an open mind’. But I just can’t. I can’t. I (you) need to physically SEE the change, not listen to more talking, placating, and empty promises. I’m afraid if you go in with a completely open mind, he will weave whatever smoke and mirrors he has been using all this time. And you once again will get tangled in that big web.

                In my opinion, I think you need to go into whatever talk extremely cautiously. Sure, listen to what he has to say, and really listen to what he is not saying.

                But I also think it is OK to just walk away if you feel the need to do so. You don’t owe him a discussion, you don’t owe him anything. You gave him your life, your love, AND your trust. Your trust that he would move ahead with the divorce. Your trust to let him do what he needed to do to resolve his previous life.

                I, in no way, feel that you are being negative.

              • 1_Silver Fox

                Phew, you guys have a lot to say but its interesting seeing the different perspectives.

                Esme, allow me to play devil’s advocate. You’re right about this being the second time this dude has been given a chance and why should she consider working with him. How many times does it take for someone to get IT?

                At the same time, why not? There are probably more folks out there not willing to admit that they’ve gone round and round several times with their mate before they each got it right. Who’s to say what Carmen’s tolerance is?

                However I feel you, the marriage thing is suspect and been there, done that carrying on with women when nothing had been filed. Can’t even offer a logical reason but eventually, it got handled.

                Likely to be some things that have not been shared that might make another shot worthwhile to her.

              • Carmen

                I’m ready Esme! Let’s do this!

                1. Yes, second time around and thinking of third time’s a charm? Not so much. BUT, here’s the thing with listening to him and hearing him out – I’ve never done it before. Seriously, never.

                The first time things went bust (a nice way of saying I dumped him), I did the same thing as this time. Shut down, ignored phone calls and after about oh, let’s say….. THREE or FOUR months, only then would I actually talk to him.

                A character flaw I know and a hell of a way to handle a relationship but shoot me – I’m working on it.

                I’m just the type of person (and Esme you figured this out about me) who doesn’t shoot from the hip. I make it very clear what my expectations are in a relationship so there’s no guessing how I might react to certain situations. For Rescue to have NOT figured this out from the first time around with me is his bad. He’s a fool for effing up a second time. So saying all of this – I’m willing to at least listen and as I told him a few days ago, this isn’t going to be a social visit but more like a state of the union address. It’ll be like Obama trying to save his ass in hopes of getting a second term. Best way I can explain this.

                2. Yes, the marriage. I’ve given him the year I originally told him he would have, as per the state statute, a year. This means that as of January 29, 2012, he’ll have the opportunity to start the process and while I understand it may entail him having to hop on a plane to get it underway, he’s fully aware that I’m not sticking around until March for him to be asked or told again. But honestly, at this point in time, that’s thinking far ahead because I’m still SINGLE so it’s not my thing to really worry about. If in God’s will, he has words that light up my life (I’m being so sarcastic here) where I forgive and forget, I’ll have to trust that he’ll do what he says he will.

                3. Most definitely, I’ll be listening for what isn’t said. I have a very clear idea of what needs to be said for me to say “okay, let’s try this…”

                So frustrating being in this type of situation but again, not having listened to him or given him the chance the first time around AND this time, that’s my bad. I’ve got to work on that because I could have avoided a lot of headache weeks ago OR I could have been working on moving on instead of halting my “it’s over” party.

  • SocialLyte

    Carmen,

    Thanks for quoting me in your recent post.

    Are you looking through rose colored glasses, bifocals, magnifying glass or using plain sight?

    I applaud you for staying in this weekend and beginning to gather yourself.

    I went back and read previous posts.

    It appears right now that Rescue and Special Agent are the focus. The other two will go away in time.

    As for Rescue, like you say he is trying to revive/rescue your relationship. Do you want it saved? Look around at your life and see if you want him in it? Remember a man will only try so hard and for so long before he gives up. And from what you write if he is willing to genuinely communicate with you then you should do that. If he is what you want. Love and committment is going through the fire and coming back a little bruised but stronger than ever. It seems it may can work but would take time and patience. How much do you have or are willing to give?

    This is between him and you. Not anyone else including us blogging and Special Agent, especially since you have an potential romantic interest in each other. It seems he may be willing to get involved with you even though you may still be in love with another man.

    My father always told me a relationship is between the two people in it don’t involve people in your business. You looking for trouble.

    My mother always told me what you are willing to tolerate from a man another woman may not. So don’t let anyone make you feel bad about what you are going through right now because who knows what is going in their relationship. Again, keep your business to your self.

    My parents have been married for 40 years.

    As for Special Agent, he seems to keep you interested and based on what you previously wrote you live in two different places. Will that change? Along with what he has previously shown you before.

    It appears you have different issues with each of these men that you have to deal with sooner or later.

    don’t think short term but long term. You may not like how you feel right now about Rescue but do you really want to walk away.

    No one on this blog, Special Agent, family or friends can tell you what to do.

    You are a grown woman. Love life and the people in it that love you. Like you say from the swollen foot in all…..

    • SocialLyte

      If you decide to talk with Rescue, stand you ground as to what you want and need and if he is willing actually give him the time to give it you. It won’t happen over

      Never be a doormat but have a welcome mat at your door. Just think about it.

      • Carmen

        Yes, standing my ground is a must and I plan on making sure I am very clear on all of my expectations if he even has a chance at regaining my trust and friendship because right now, I don’t even want to talk to Rescue or have any type of conversation with him. Hell, I was just thinking last night while in the shower “thank GOD we do not have children together” so I really have nothing that would force me to deal with him.

        The anger has only subsided by about an eighth of an inch.

    • Carmen

      SocialLtye,

      I don’t think you can imagine how appreciative I am for you reading and especially, for your comments. Thank you.

      Before I address some of the things you replied (and I’ll try not to make the Magna Carta out of this), I just have to say that I too was reflecting on my parent’s marriage as some type of source or example, a guide of sorts while I let all of what has transpired marinate. Mr. and Mrs. Jones were married for 33 years and surely would have still been together to this day had it not been for his unexpected passing. Isn’t it marvelous to witness 40 years of companionship with yours? Isn’t it comforting to know that each of them have words of wisdom to offer to you in terms of relationships? I too was talked to about keeping your relationships between your and yours as well as the tolerance of one woman vs the next.

      It’s too bad I still never understood women (my mother included) who accepted certain things and situations, so as I enjoyed my alone time this past weekend, it struck me that I just seem to be deficient of the tolerant trait and patience as well.

      I’m the type of person who plans things, sometimes down to the most minute of details. Not anal retentive or obsessive compulsive or anything, but I want to make sure things have been carefully thought out in hopes of reducing any room for error. I did that with Rescue but hearing him out, communicating with him face to face to try gaining some understanding of where he was (mentally/emotionally) when he created the divide, and where he is now (mentally/emotionally) in terms of trying to put things back together again? I didn’t allow him that but you asked if he is what I want?

      I THOUGHT SO. See SocialLyte, here’s my dilemma. I’m not so sure right now but when I’m good and angry, pumped up from one of the conversations with the helpful, hopeful, doubtful, negative or bitter friend I may be venting to, my mind changes.

      I only agreed to allow Rescue back in my life for a second time because I believed in him. He was able to show me that I could trust that he was not out to manipulate or use me, that I could trust (as much as possible because hey, things happen) that he would be faithful to me, and that he was interested in the same picture of a future as I was. The problem is that somewhere down the line, I think he lost patience with how slowly he was putting himself back together and things went downhill from there but I’m getting off the subject – I’ve shared what went wrong.

      All of this to say that I’m not sure how much TIME or PATIENCE I’m willing to lend. I’d given that to him, with the exception of the deadline for some action to take place with the divorce (an entirely different headache) and for the life of me, so my mind is overruling my heart in deciding if I should give him yet another opportunity to patch things up only to fear that some other type of adversarial condition will pop up and he goes back into what he calls his “grind” mode.

      You want to know what I’ve found myself doing as of late? Comparing.

      Comparing this situation to the friend who keeps going back to the alcoholic who can’t keep a job. Comparing this situation to the friend who was dating a bipolar, manic depressive, controlling and manipulative jerk who’s background is suspect. Comparing this situation to the friend who’s carrying on an online romance with a man supposedly on assignment in another part of the world who has asked for her for money to finance his business or needs more than once after only having met once. Comparing the situation to the married friend who after turning 40, says her hormones have taken over and gone wildly so she’s fulfilling herself with everyone but her husband. Comparing this situation to the several friends who have not had so much as a coffee date in over a year. Then I stop and realize two things: First, I shouldn’t compare anything in my life to anyone else’s and second, Rescue isn’t so bad. =)

      The time away from him, even with the few exchanges here and there has helped me because I don’t think you’re able to think clearly on whether or not a relationship is worth salvaging with the interruptions from that person.

      Last but not least – Special Agent. He is another one that I would say is good on paper because his life appears to be fairly stable. I like that he is also an involved father and yes, I think he and I may be downplaying our interest in each other. We both admit that we enjoy communicating and talking, making each other have those laugh out loud moments and even the risque’ jokes here and there, and again I have to say it, his life appears to be fairly stable. Yes, he lives a couple of hours away and while he doesn’t remember, I did tell him when we first met that IF he and I should advance to a level beyond friendship to a relationship and some serious settling down, I WOULD have relocated. Agent doesn’t remember me saying that and during a recent conversation said had he realized that, his way of handling me may have been a bit different. Maybe.

      I’ll see what happens during the face-off with Rescue. If it even happens.

      Confusing times for sure, so I’m kind of thankful for the blog. I always wanted an outlet, the opportunity to somehow organize and put out whatever was spewing in my mind about something so important – relationships. Of course, writing things in a journal or a blog that is NOT public would meet the purpose just as well but if I did it the other two ways, I wouldn’t be privy to receiving awesome feedback such as yours.

      • SocialLyte

        You seem very composed right now and like you have really thought this through at least for the most part.

        Since, you have no plans with Rescue to talk just yet. Do you plan on seeing the Special Agent anytime soon?

        I wish you the best and Again hope you find that love you are looking for.

        • Carmen

          As of yesterday, Rescue is trying again to talk in person. He tried Halloween night, I told him no.

          Perhaps this weekend a talk can take place.

          Agent?

          Maybe soon. I’ll be down his way for some business, and though I’ll have a friend and children with me, I’m hoping we can get together.

          He’s not fool and realizes I am still in love and knows I’m in no position to be anything more than friends right now.

          Your well wishes and kind words are so welcomed.

          I just want to be happy. That isn’t so wrong, is it?

          • SocialLyte

            Thanks for the being so receptive to my words.

            If you do talk with Rescue this weekend then just listen…See what he has to say and whether it fits in to what you truly desire. From your other posts you say you like to talk….dial it back to a 4..you seem like a fire bomb. 🙂

            Relationships are like medicine…May not taste great but it can heal and cure wait ails you.

            As for my recent relationship woes, my current boyfriend (no longer ex) and I have talked this past weekend. I listened, talked, listened, compromised, rolled my eyes a couple of times, sucked my teeth, debated, laughed and cried. But at the end of the afternoon, I realized I want US and he did too. Is there uncertainty and doubt of course. Will I get frustrated again, probably. We’re doing the whole date each other again and come up for air for now without the pressure. We know what we want from each other which is commitment -marriage. I’m willing to Trust him as a man and let him give it to me. Ease off his back a little.

            By the way we dated for almost 8 months prior to breaking up.

            My Father always told me “A man hears you the first time you say something whether he replies or not…so stop repeating yourself and being a dam& nag. If he loves you he will make it happen, may not be in your timeframe but he will do it”.

            As for the Special Agent, Friendship building. That’s very interesting. It works since that is what both of you are looking for right now. Has he asked to see you or is this just a time that you are thinking to ask him to see you? I guess it doesn’t matter cause your friends, but something to think about.

            Have to go cook, but will check back to see your reply If any.

            You’re getting closer whether you believe it or not. And when you truly get there you won’t need the blog anymore cause the person you need to talk to will be right beside you.

            I’m always the optimistic but still realistic. My parents didn’t raise no fool.

            • Carmen

              “… You seem like a fire bomb”. Love it! Haha!!

              Your perception is right, my tongue sometimes has spikes and pitch forks. I will tune it down and be a little more subdued. Besides, he’s witnessed my wrath via text and voicemail.

              But before I go any further, congratulations on your reunion. (Big smile)

              Seems like we both had some interesting developments this past weekend. Me, spending some time to reflect, you sitting down and listening to all that you had reflected on and to set the wheels or progress in motion.

              I really got a good laugh envisioning the neck roll, eyes rolling (with the “are you done yet” expression) and then the moment when your mind was lulled into submission by realizing the discussion with your man was so needed.

              Even though you’re still going to be in “serious condition” or maybe even “urgent care” status as you rebuild the trust and bond of your relationship the most important thing you said is that you are both on the same mission in life. To be together, married, as life partners.

              I have to admit, the fact that there are several things you mention with relation to your situation that are similar to mine, I raised an eyebrow like huh?

              8 months? Same amount of time as Rescue and I.

              Being told by a man whose opinion I trust that there’s no need to be repetitive, be a nag and to understand that if a man really loves you, he’ll do what he says he will.

              In one of our text exchanges last week, Rescue said just that. Though his actions certainly cannot be ignored or excused, his main point is that it seemed like him being up front with me and communicating what his intentions were (specifically about the divorce but less specific in general), it seemed like I didn’t accept or believe what he said.

              You’re a thinker like me. You know what you want and realize that finding the person you want to be with is not going to be any type of instant gratification.

              I’m in my mid-thirties and in another couple of weeks will be more like late thirties, but regardless of age, I’m just ready to settle down.

              Not settle, but settle down.

              Hope dinner turns out fantastically delicious. 🙂

              • SocialLyte

                Carmen,

                Yes, we are in “serious condition” but we have the fight and will to survive and besides that we have a Defibrillator on stand-by. Lol.

                Uncanny the similarities, but it was more like 7 months, 1 week and a couple of days, I just rounded up to 8. But like you previously posted a lot of the people responding to your blogs share in similar situations.

                I started tripping at 6 months and within a month we were done. He said he would do it but I kept pushing. You know how us ladies are. Once we set our mind to something that is it. I didn’t listen to my father. It realized when we broke up, I should have just chilled out.

                Wow, I guess my father is right. For Rescue to say that to you is shocking. I understand actions will always be louder than words. But action in itself is a word.

                Yes, if settling down is what you want then focus on those men that want to settle down instead of settling for men that make you feel good at that moment. Those moments turn into days, months, years, etc…and your still dealing with someone that told you they were not looking to commit right then.

                Whether you end up with one of the fantastic four or someone else, just remember what each is looking for-Commitment, Companionship only, friendship, or fu&k buddy status. If you deal with the man that is like minded you will get closer to your desires. If you deal with a man that is not then you may be blogging alot longer.

                Although, like Kimmie said, “Rescue this, Rescue that”.

                Be easy and relax. If you do talk then do so in a public place. It keeps the excitement down and more level headed. That’s what we did and I swear it kept me from sliding closer on the bench and strangling him out of frustration when I was at a 10. But we settled for a cool 5.

                Maybe I have not read all of your blogs to understand why others may just want you to walk away and be done with Rescue. You let him back in your life for a reason and you knew when he came back there was baggage in tow. Again, your decision.

                I’m 30 and a day and my beau is mid-thirties. Neither of us have ever been married but I’ve been engaged before.

                One thing I have learned once you get a certain age (I.e. 30+) you tend to know what you want in general especially in relationships.

                Even though I’m working on my relationship this still helps me. I’m glad I found your blog.

                Open mind, open heart.

              • Carmen

                Neutral location – check.
                Tone down the anger- check.
                Muzzle the mouth a bit – check.

                We shall see what our talk uncovers. It’ll be one of three things:

                Plenty if clarity
                Plenty of vagueness or
                Plenty of bullshi#

                The last two simply won’t do.

                Agreed – something clicks in some of us when we get older. I think my moment of seriously looking to settle down struck me once I became a mother.

                I’m glad my uncertain situation keeps you reading. You never know what you can possibly learn and what you can offer.

                I look forward to the day when I can have a great cure (relationship) for my dating hangovers.

  • Ginger Ann

    Hi Carmen,

    A friend recently told me about your blog. They were not lying you have a full life with all these men. 😉

    I like the comment by Caleb.

    You know what they say, “You do the same things over and over and you will get the same results”

    You date the same type of men or respond to their actions the same way you will not get that committment you want. The only one of the above men that I think would genuinely committ to you is the 1st one, the others will come and go, no staying power. Be careful.

    I’m in my 30’s and have been married for 2 years. It took some time before I met my husband. I have share this with my husband.

    It can happen for you.

    • Carmen

      Hey there Ginger and welcome!

      Trust me, I WISH there was nothing to write about except “What not to wear for a date” or something you’d find on the typical dating website for the masses. I thought I had gotten it right this time around but obviously not.

      Caleb is a nut but he really gets it, gets US. Understands women. I wish I could clone some of his thoughts and implant them in men everywhere but of course, I’m sure he has his “glitches” in programming somewhere as well.

      Interesting observation Ginger because I agree – Rescue probably is/was the only one who would give me the type of commitment I wanted because technically, all of the others had the opportunity to have me exclusively. ALL of them were BR – Before Rescue.

      I keep hearing it takes some time to meet the right one for you and the way I’m going, I figure 44 years of age should be about right for me. LOL

      But seriously, I believe it can happen but it’s just a matter of weeding out the good from the unthinkable, the possible from the terrible and the maybe from the one that should send me running away. I wish he had a friend who would share some words of wisdom with him but I guess he’s trying to see if he can manage doing things his way.

      Welcome again and thanks for reading.

      • GingerAnn

        If all of them could have had you before Rescue then why are you still dealing with any of them? I guess I can see the attraction but really.

        For me, no matter how alluring a man was at the time, I stayed focus on the one man that I really wanted and was willing to make me his Wife!!! Does the Agent want to get married anytime soon or are you guys just doing the friend thing and seeing where it goes?

        In the comment to someone else you stated that he has been married twice, so when he wants to communicate and commit he can.

        Girl, this is real interesting. I hope you make the best decision.

        Thanks for sharing.

        • Carmen

          Good questions Ginger and honestly, they all just kind of floated to the surface.

          For now, it seems like they all would serve some type of purpose for me though you’re right, unless any of them are talking about something I want (serious, leading to marriage), they’re a waste of time. Here’s how I see them:

          GOP – I’m a hor… I have a very high drive. Should the need arise, he’s the “app for that”.

          Tall Glass – I love to get out, try new things or just throw back some drinks in good company. There is absolutely nothing going on with him but fun, so he’s the “app for that”.

          Special Agent – Everyone woman should have a man who can stimulate her mind. He’s not focused on trying to hook up with me so it’s fairly easy for us to strike up conversations about different things. This one isn’t quite the same as the other because we never actually dated.

          BUT, you touched on something about the agent I’ve been wanting to mention- no, I don’t think he has any immediate aspirations to be married though at the onset of our paths crossing, I believe he said it was something he wanted.

          Lastly, Rescue is definitely commitment guy. He wants that lifelong partnership and while he’s shown that he is serious about that search as shown by his 2 marriages, I’m not so sure he has the staying power for a marriage. Then again, like he said, maybe things didn’t work because he was trying to force the issue with the wrong women.

          Sigh.

          • Ginger Ann

            At least you know Rescue can commit and would be willing to commit in the present/future to YOU. Third time is the charm.

            Although, the divorce issue is sticky but he is separated. Like SocialLyte says dial it back. You know the saying you attract more bees with honey.

            Put on your helmet and get to work.

  • 1_Silver Fox

    Ditto, what’s the deal with the agent?

    Your Tall Glass sounds like he’s the cool, fun guy but will be always searching for what he had with his ex.

    Keep chilling, see what cards these men deal out.

    • Carmen

      Yes Silver, Tall Glass definitely has his issues. They all do but I’m not trying to be the buffer for anyone, though I certainly will stay in his good graces for that concert. I know, that’s just wrong.

  • Anonymous

    I was trying not to, but got a little caught up in the comments. I agree with Social about your relationship business being shared but understand your reasons for sharing on the blog as well.

    I’ve never seen you say “what should I do” or anything like that where you were necessarily asking for advice or direction, bit in a way, like it or not, you’re gonna get it somehow.

    I haven’t gone back to read how you did it, so I’m wondering if you told this main guy you just needed a break or what.

    Is that even an option since it sounds like he’s got his own issues he needs to work on and then what about the whole divorce.

    What happens of you work it out, take him back and then he’s not moving fast enough to end the marriage?

    • Carmen

      Anonymous, good question about the divorce issue and the answer is IF we are able to make amends, I could very well find myself in the same situation.

      I’ve got a lot to consider at this point, not just with him but in general.

      Reassessing exactly what I desire to have in someone and making sure I’m not overlooking the important or ignoring the obvious.

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