“You really need to update the blog so your readers know this is what really happens when you’re dealing with relationship issues”.
I wouldn’t expect to hear something like this from a man, and especially not Special Agent but this is what he told me when I shared that there was a little more than “talking” when Rescue and I saw each other last week.
Oh wait – I guess I should mention that I told Special Agent about this face to face. While on my weekend getaway with the girls down in his neck of the woods, he drove up to the resort making it our second time seeing each other in nearly a year. Of course, there are plenty of details from our encounter but I’ll save those for another time.
Sharing all that went down would be quite interesting, but as long as he destroys that awful blackmail photo he took of me, the details will remain locked away.
Now – back to Rescue but first, let me say this. Apparently some people feel as if I’ve been holding out on details like I’m trying to create some type of cliffhanger when I’m posting and believe me, this isn’t the case. If you’ve been reading for a while then you know I can be a bit winded (especially if I’m writing about certain men), so after it takes me about ten minutes to do spell check if I’m posting from my Blackberry OR notice there are 3 or more pages if posting from a computer, to me – that means I need to create two separate posts. My point? Get over it and wait until I’m able to write more. =)
Alright, so as Special Agent reminded me with a twinge of disappointment once he heard that the talk transitioned to something more physical, here’s what went down last week when after over a month, I saw Rescue.
He talked, I listened. I mean really listened.
SocialLyte and my girlfriend Kim both suggested that I tone my attitude down, try not to be combative and take some of that Carmen bite out of the equation once I saw Rescue. I actually did this and really exercised the art of communicating with a non-combative, non-aggressive type of personality.
As I mentioned last time, Rescue’s timing was perfect, for him. When he called me it was after I had the chance to decompress from the day’s activities and two glasses of wine later, I was mellow Jell-O. Had he called and stopped by two days earlier? Trust me, the conversation would have gone down completely differently and it would not have ended very well.
He called me and said it was important that he talk to me and about thirty minutes later was at my door. I’m chuckling now because another friend told me Rescue would likely show up “looking all good”, and it would go down from there. I have to admit – when I opened the door and saw him standing there I was thinking “Damn, he looks nice”.
Rescue wasn’t dressed up or anything; he simply had on a black shirt, dark blue jeans and a hat. Very simple but he can wear nearly anything well. The bonus? He’d let his facial hair grow in and was working the hell out of his goatee and beard. Hmm.
Silly me. I figured the absence of parking outside would save me from doing the one thing I said would NOT happen. When he asked if he could park in the garage and come in, I told him no – this forced him to park in the drive way. In my mind this was a bonus because it meant he wasn’t coming in and the conversation wouldn’t be too long, so I grabbed a coat and some shoes and walked out towards his car.
Armed with my “just listen, don’t relent” attitude, I sat in the car with my arms folded and that expression that said I was only there to hear him out and so it began.
When I say Rescue did almost everything right, I mean it. He opened up the conversation by apologizing. Acknowledging that it was his way of communicating that caused this situation and acknowledging everything my suspicions had assumed about why he shut down the way he did.
He told me that he was not letting me go and refused to give up. When he came back toCaliforniahe had one purpose with me and that was to be together, making me his last.
He told me that in spite of me having apologized for the last blow up over the whole divorce situation, that argument we had on Labor Day really put his mind in a different place. He felt vulnerable and figured at any time I could tell him not to come over anymore and even added he realized the same could happen with his good friend he’d been staying with.
He told me that even though I told him I was willing to work with him while he rebuilt his life; he felt less than a man because he wanted to give me the world and couldn’t even take care of himself or his family obligations.
He told me that he had to fall flat on his a$$ and had to do it alone. Now he has a new direction and an actual vision instead of just living in survival mode. He’s going back to school after realizing that getting back into firefighting or some other related type of work just isn’t feasible in this economy so he’s learning a new skill.
He told me there was never another woman, reminding me again that he’s only interested in one and that was me.
He told me he would like me to give him a chance to prove that he’s worth it, to work with him and not give up on the relationship.
He told me that he wants to be married to me and wants another child.
Out of everything that he told me while we sat there was important, touching and things that I wanted and needed to hear. Occasionally, I would glance over and really look into his eyes to make sure that all that he was saying wasn’t some scripted game, but what I saw, heard and felt was sincerity.
Above all, I loved hearing that he was my friend and that he’d missed that. A lot.
Certainly, you don’t think I just sat there the entire time listening and not saying anything! Rescue had the opportunity to get everything out and when he was done, he asked me to at least think about it and said he was in no position to expect me to answer right then and there, nor could he expect me to say yes. I had a lot to say in between pauses and especially at the end, something like a closing argument.
I told him he had really messed things up and while I know blaming one person isn’t conducive of working things out, I couldn’t help it because I was hurt, angry and completely disappointed.
I told him that his actions proved to me that he hadn’t learned the art of communicating within a relationship and that I couldn’t determine if taking another chance on him suffering from some type of set back, that he wouldn’t do the same thing again.
I told him that his actions proved to me that he did not TRUST me and reminded him of something I said when we first started dating again. I told him that I was willing to do something I would never consider doing – being with someone who is not only married, but at the time had no place of his own to live and had no job. I reminded him that my exact words were “I believe in you; I knew you before when you had all of those things and I remember how good you treated me, so I know you’ll get back to where you were”. He let his insecurities over ride anything I’d promised to him.
I told him that I loved him and that was something that hadn’t changed, but had been tainted with so many negative feelings I couldn’t say how I would be able to deal with him in the future.
This was definitely a conversation for the books but I am proud of myself. For once after having ended a relationship by telephone or text, I actually had a face-to-face meeting with the man I was involved with to listen to what he had to say.
I don’t know if I wanted to cry or slap him (I warned him that the latter was a strong urge and suggested he brace himself), but at some point I was finished listening. I told Rescue it was getting late and was going back inside, and when he offered to walk me to the door, figured I was just going to take some time to process all that had been said.
In his true gentleman fashion, he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and wished me a good evening. I thanked him, closed the door and that was it.
Okay, not exactly.
I sat on the couch for about a minute and sent a text to a friend telling her I finally saw him, that he left without incident but that I really didn’t want him to go. My comment to her was “guess I’m not so tough after all” and she replied “you have a heart and you can’t deny that” and told me I should let him know.
I sent a simple text to him telling him I really didn’t want him to leave and he asked if he should come back, so of course my reply was YES.
This time he knocks on the door, smiling when I open and hand him the remote to the garage. A few moments later, he’s inside and we’re sitting on the sofa when I jokingly tell him he got off easy with that talk because all of the questions I had prepared in my mind weren’t even brought up. Then I told him he had some nerve to show up after all that had happened empty handed. He looked at me and started chuckling and asked if I wanted him to go outside and cut off one of the bird of paradise flowers and calling his bluff, I said yes.
He gets up, grabs a pair of scissors and disappears outside the door but damn – he was gone for a while.
I figured he was just standing there, thinking when he comes back inside with one arm behind his back. He walks over to me, kisses me on the forehead and says “Baby, I am so sorry and I love you” and gives me some of the prettiest flowers. We laughed at the gesture because it was so dramatic and over the top, but these types of silly moments are what I miss the most.
By the way, I didn’t realize until a few days later that he’d gone halfway down the block to get those flowers. =)
After all of this, it’s almost 10pm and it’s pretty chilly. I tell him he can stay for an hour longer and then he has to leave, and we head back to the bedroom. We’re laying down, talking, keeping our hands to ourselves and then he kissed me.
It was all over after that because it was one of those kisses that sends shock waves throughout your entire body and leaves you feeling all tingly. He’s kissing me, rubbing my face, stroking my hair and whispering in my ear.
I always said making love to Rescue was the best, hands down but this time? I don’t think I can really put into words how that felt and even as I write this, I can’t explain it.
Yes, I did the one thing you should not do when you’re talking to an ex about a possible reconciliation (though I honestly don’t think Rescue ever accepted that HE was single). Having done that blurs the efforts of concentrating on the issues and whether any of them had been resolved and IF any of those unresolved could be items you can work with.
So as of right now, I can’t even say that we even made up. I DO feel better that he’s no longer on my “most hated” list and I DO feel better that we can at least talk to each other. However, I’m not expecting much to come of this.
I have no expectations for anything to happen, no desire to be asked out to dinner with him, nothing. In fact, my follow up conversation with him will consist of me suggesting he keep me in his life but as a friend only because right now, that’s all that he can handle since my expectations in a relationship cannot be met.
I think I’m still searching for the cure to the dating AND relationship hangovers…