Break Ups, Married Men, My Dating Hangovers, Uncategorized, When you're dating your ex

Did we make up or WHAT?

  

  “You really need to update the blog so your readers know this is what really happens when you’re dealing with relationship issues”.

 I wouldn’t expect to hear something like this from a man, and especially not Special Agent but this is what he told me when I shared that there was a little more than “talking” when Rescue and I saw each other last week.

Oh wait – I guess I should mention that I told Special Agent about this face to face.  While on my weekend getaway with the girls down in his neck of the woods, he drove up to the resort making it our second time seeing each other in nearly a year.  Of course, there are plenty of details from our encounter but I’ll save those for another time.    

 Maybe. 

 Sharing all that went down would be quite interesting, but as long as he destroys that awful blackmail photo he took of me, the details will remain locked away.  

Now – back to Rescue but first, let me say this.  Apparently some people feel as if I’ve been holding out on details like I’m trying to create some type of cliffhanger when I’m posting and believe me, this isn’t the case.  If you’ve been reading for a while then you know I can be a bit winded (especially if I’m writing about certain men), so after it takes me about ten minutes to do spell check if I’m posting from my Blackberry OR notice there are 3 or more pages if posting from a computer, to me – that means I need to create two separate posts.   My point?  Get over it and wait until I’m able to write more.  =)

 Alright, so as Special Agent reminded me with a twinge of disappointment once he heard that the talk transitioned to something more physical, here’s what went down last week when after over a month, I saw Rescue.

 He talked, I listened.  I mean really listened.

 SocialLyte and my girlfriend Kim both suggested that I tone my attitude down, try not to be combative and take some of that Carmen bite out of the equation once I saw Rescue.  I actually did this and really exercised the art of communicating with a non-combative, non-aggressive type of personality.

 As I mentioned last time, Rescue’s timing was perfect, for him.  When he called me it was after I had the chance to decompress from the day’s activities and two glasses of wine later, I was mellow Jell-O.  Had he called and stopped by two days earlier?  Trust me, the conversation would have gone down completely differently and it would not have ended very well.

He called me and said it was important that he talk to me and about thirty minutes later was at my door.  I’m chuckling now because another friend told me Rescue would likely show up “looking all good”, and it would go down from there.  I have to admit – when I opened the door and saw him standing there I was thinking “Damn, he looks nice”.   

Rescue wasn’t dressed up or anything; he simply had on a black shirt, dark blue jeans and a hat.  Very simple but he can wear nearly anything well.  The bonus?  He’d let his facial hair grow in and was working the hell out of his goatee and beard.  Hmm.

Silly me.  I figured the absence of parking outside would save me from doing the one thing I said would NOT happen.  When he asked if he could park in the garage and come in, I told him no – this forced him to park in the drive way.  In my mind this was a bonus because it meant he wasn’t coming in and the conversation wouldn’t be too long, so I grabbed a coat and some shoes and walked out towards his car. 

Armed with my “just listen, don’t relent” attitude, I sat in the car with my arms folded and that expression that said I was only there to hear him out and so it began. 

When I say Rescue did almost everything right, I mean it.  He opened up the conversation by apologizing.  Acknowledging that it was his way of communicating that caused this situation and acknowledging everything my suspicions had assumed about why he shut down the way he did. 

He told me that he was not letting me go and refused to give up.  When he came back toCaliforniahe had one purpose with me and that was to be together, making me his last.

He told me that in spite of me having apologized for the last blow up over the whole divorce situation, that argument we had on Labor Day really put his mind in a different place.  He felt vulnerable and figured at any time I could tell him not to come over anymore and even added he realized the same could happen with his good friend he’d been staying with.

He told me that even though I told him I was willing to work with him while he rebuilt his life; he felt less than a man because he wanted to give me the world and couldn’t even take care of himself or his family obligations. 

He told me that he had to fall flat on his a$$ and had to do it alone.  Now he has a new direction and an actual vision instead of just living in survival mode.  He’s going back to school after realizing that getting back into firefighting or some other related type of work just isn’t feasible in this economy so he’s learning a new skill.

He told me there was never another woman, reminding me again that he’s only interested in one and that was me.

He told me he would like me to give him a chance to prove that he’s worth it, to work with him and not give up on the relationship.

He told me that he wants to be married to me and wants another child.

Out of everything that he told me while we sat there was important, touching and things that I wanted and needed to hear.  Occasionally, I would glance over and really look into his eyes to make sure that all that he was saying wasn’t some scripted game, but what I saw, heard and felt was sincerity.

Above all, I loved hearing that he was my friend and that he’d missed that.  A lot.

Certainly, you don’t think I just sat there the entire time listening and not saying anything!  Rescue had the opportunity to get everything out and when he was done, he asked me to at least think about it and said he was in no position to expect me to answer right then and there, nor could he expect me to say yes.  I had a lot to say in between pauses and especially at the end, something like a closing argument.

 I told him he had really messed things up and while I know blaming one person isn’t conducive of working things out, I couldn’t help it because I was hurt, angry and completely disappointed.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he hadn’t learned the art of communicating within a relationship and that I couldn’t determine if taking another chance on him suffering from some type of set back, that he wouldn’t do the same thing again.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he did not TRUST me and reminded him of something I said when we first started dating again.   I told him that I was willing to do something I would never consider doing – being with someone who is not only married, but at the time had no place of his own to live and had no job.  I reminded him that my exact words were “I believe in you; I knew you before when you had all of those things and I remember how good you treated me, so I know you’ll get back to where you were”.  He let his insecurities over ride anything I’d promised to him.

I told him that I loved him and that was something that hadn’t changed, but had been tainted with so many negative feelings I couldn’t say how I would be able to deal with him in the future.

This was definitely a conversation for the books but I am proud of myself.  For once after having ended a relationship by telephone or text, I actually had a face-to-face meeting with the man I was involved with to listen to what he had to say.

I don’t know if I wanted to cry or slap him (I warned him that the latter was a strong urge and suggested he brace himself), but at some point I was finished listening.  I told Rescue it was getting late and was going back inside, and when he offered to walk me to the door, figured I was just going to take some time to process all that had been said.

In his true gentleman fashion, he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and wished me a good evening.  I thanked him, closed the door and that was it.

Okay, not exactly.

I sat on the couch for about a minute and sent a text to a friend telling her I finally saw him, that he left without incident but that I really didn’t want him to go.  My comment to her was “guess I’m not so tough after all” and she replied “you have a heart and you can’t deny that” and told me I should let him know. 

I sent a simple text to him telling him I really didn’t want him to leave and he asked if he should come back, so of course my reply was YES.

This time he knocks on the door, smiling when I open and hand him the remote to the garage.  A few moments later, he’s inside and we’re sitting on the sofa when I jokingly tell him he got off easy with that talk because all of the questions I had prepared in my mind weren’t even brought up.  Then I told him he had some nerve to show up after all that had happened empty handed.  He looked at me and started chuckling and asked if I wanted him to go outside and cut off one of the bird of paradise flowers and calling his bluff, I said yes.

He gets up, grabs a pair of scissors and disappears outside the door but damn – he was gone for a while. 

I figured he was just standing there, thinking when he comes back inside with one arm behind his back.  He walks over to me, kisses me on the forehead and says “Baby, I am so sorry and I love you” and gives me some of the prettiest flowers.   We laughed at the gesture because it was so dramatic and over the top, but these types of silly moments are what I miss the most.

By the way, I didn’t realize until a few days later that he’d gone halfway down the block to get those flowers.  =)

Can you blame me for what happens next? 

After all of this, it’s almost 10pm and it’s pretty chilly.  I tell him he can stay for an hour longer and then he has to leave, and we head back to the bedroom.  We’re laying down, talking, keeping our hands to ourselves and then he kissed me.

It was all over after that because it was one of those kisses that sends shock waves throughout your entire body and leaves you feeling all tingly.  He’s kissing me, rubbing my face, stroking my hair and whispering in my ear.

I always said making love to Rescue was the best, hands down but this time?  I don’t think I can really put into words how that felt and even as I write this, I can’t explain it.

Yes, I did the one thing you should not do when you’re talking to an ex about a possible reconciliation (though I honestly don’t think Rescue ever accepted that HE was single).  Having done that blurs the efforts of concentrating on the issues and whether any of them had been resolved and IF any of those unresolved could be items you can work with.

So as of right now, I can’t even say that we even made up.  I DO feel better that he’s no longer on my “most hated” list and I DO feel better that we can at least talk to each other.  However, I’m not expecting much to come of this.  

I have no expectations for anything to happen, no desire to be asked out to dinner with him, nothing.  In fact, my follow up conversation with him will consist of me suggesting he keep me in his life but as a friend only because right now, that’s all that he can handle since my expectations in a relationship cannot be met.

 

I think I’m still searching for the cure to the dating AND relationship hangovers…

Carmen ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35 thoughts on “Did we make up or WHAT?

  1. To hell with whoever complained about there needing to be a part two, the wait was worth it.

    Amazing how you’re able to just share your break up, the tough in between period filled with crazy emotions and the “make up” part.

    My only question is what happens next?

    It sounds like Rescue came through by taking time to sit you down and tell you all of this, but has anything really changed?

    Are you willing to go another round?

    1. There you go asking questions Jessie!! 🙂

      Who knows!!! I don’t know!

      I wasn’t prepared to be receptive to much of anything (I know, negative Nancy!)

      I DO feel that too much time passed before I was able to hear him out, so chances for reconciliation would have been better weeks ago.

      1. That’s a cop out Carmen. What I think? That this situation is so out of your range of comfort, you’re reluctant to do what you really want (be with him) due to fear of the unknown.

        Maybe you should just take a chance for once.

            1. Alright E, I had to go roll back the tapes on Jessie’s comment.

              I’m guessing she meant fear of the unknown with Rescue in that I will not know what the outcome may be.

              But she’s right about the first part – I’m being a punk and not going for what I want.

              Call it what you want, I value my sanity and am not trying to end up on an episode of Snapped because I allowed a relationship with a man who is NOT my husband to take control of my emotions.

  2. First off again thanks for taking into consideration my thoughts concerning your relationship. You actually got to listen to what he had to say.

    You ask the question…Did you make up or not? This is for you and him to decide…From what I read at this point, you are only single if you want to be single.

    Bittersweet and Puzzlement..

    It was bittersweet to read about Rescue yet intertwined with splashes of the Special Agent.

    Sweet part was that he said all the things a man should say to begin reconcilliation. The gesture of going out at night and cutting some flowers was not only thoughtful but very cost effective. Sometimes it not the amount but the act in itself. A man that you know when he had the world to give he gave it to you freely.

    The bitter part was reading your last statement of telling him in the next conversation all you can be is friends right now.

    The “right now” statement is very interesting.

    Puzzlement

    I had read some past posts about the Special Agent. This is the man that you were talking to before Rescue, but because of his lack of interest in you it appears he did not purse you and let it die off. Yet, now Rescue is in the picture and its months later but he has interest in you. And he is not looking to settle down anymore at least not “right now” -Really!?!?!

    You see how “right now” is an interesting phrase.

    I liken the Special Agent to a shiny new toy and Rescue to that old teddy bear that’s a little ragedy from all the years of wear and tear, but its still hanging in there and will be there.

    Why would you settle for less when this man is trying to give you more?

    Are you really looking for a cure or just a treatment for dating hangovers?

    Relationships all have there happy moments and there bad moments which are shared between two people. We all know people break-up and get back together and live happy lives together.

    But you dont intentionally walk away or distant yourself from someone that you love when things get difficult. You seem to maybe considering walking away, think twice before you offer only “friendship for right now”. Would you want it to be offered to you by him or any other man that you were interested in?

    Remember a man generally means what he is says no matter what the actions. – If he says “friends for now” then no matter how much you flirt or physical you become with each other whenever a relationship is mentioned it will always be friends.

    If you love Rescue and genuinely want him in your life then stick by him, work on rebuilding your relationship and leave the other men alone.

    Again, cure or treatment?

    1. Bitter, sweet, puzzled. All of that is so true Social.

      Cure or treatment? Damn. I read that one a few times and it is still marinating.

      Let me clarify the friends part. I did not/have not said that to Rescue, rather, the thought was a musing of mine over the last couple of days.

      Sweet was the entire interaction from last week and honestly, the gesture of him humoring me and snipping the flowers was priceless. Something I would remember a thousand times over him having bought some store flowers.

      Puzzling is the decision I must make and while I’m trying so hard not to think that way, I can’t help it.

      The twisted side of me says “he made the decision to pull away during his moment, I’m making the decision on what happens next”

      It should really be a matter of WE when it comes to agreeing what happens next. Still, when I speak with him again, I will ASK him what is it that he needs in his life right now.

      Does he need the friendship that is so precious? After everything is said and done, he is my friend. He has always treated me with the utmost respect and is genuinely concerned about my well being. That’s what a friend is for.

      Or does he need the relationship?

      The only reason I started making that decision for him is because at this time in my life, I’m ready for a true relationship. One where my significant other and I can openly communicate our feelings, good and bad.

      While it may seem like I’m taking the high road out during “bad times”, you have to admit that someone who behaves that way isn’t going to change over night.

      To be honest (I hate hearing that and can’t believe I’m writing it), a part of me is afraid of being the fool because at the end of the day, the divorce issue IS an issue.

      I’m thinking about my reaction IF I agree to work things out and IF action isn’t taken come February without me having to mention anything.

      So in a way, just as I told him he didn’t trust me, I guess I can’t trust him acting fast enough on that.

      1. Oh and Special Agent? That is a completely different post but I see the point you’re making.

        When he and I started communicating here recently, there was no expectations nor had anything been mentioned about dating etc…

        When I told him about my “make up” visit with Rescue he seemed a little annoyed and I asked what was the problem because as far as I knew, he wasn’t interested in me like that.

        I think agent is aware of the possibility of how things could go with Rescue and I so for now, I’m thinking he’s just going with the flow and enjoying the friendship we’ve been working on.

        BUT I can see your point on why he may be in contact with me and what he isn’t telling me his bottom line may be.

        1. Whew! Thanks for the clarification concerning Rescue and the “friends right now” statement. I was hoping you would think about it first but if you choose to do that then that’s your decision.

          You are exactly right and it should be about “We” and not singular as in I or he.

          If Rescue did not mention “friendship” why are you offering it? It seems as though he told you what he wants…we’re you listening or hearing? He was truly open with you as to where it was it in all aspects. Yes, it took awhile but he did it. If you say this is the man you thought could be your husband then be the backbone and strength in your relationship. We all know the saying behind a “Great man is A phenomenal woman”.

          If you want a true relationship with communication then this is the time to communicate with him about We. If you truly want him. Relationships and subsequently marriages that are built to last are based on finding a way and making it happen.

          You seem hesitate to say the least which is puzzling yet understandable at times considering what you have previously posted about him.

          The divorce is a BIG issue and I can say from family and close friends where I have seen people get separated and then divorce and go on months later and marry the person they were dating. Although, this scenario is not for everyone it is your decision to make. You go all in or walk away. But it took patience and time which is something you have previously stated may be an issue for you.

          Either you are a bullet train with a destination with Rescue…focusing on yourself, your child, Rescue, and close family or your like Amtrak still reliable but keep making multiple stops along the way.

          Again, fear seems to be of a major concern but its hard to discover a cure it takes brain, research, dedication , focus, sweat, tears, determination and time but it will last a lifetime and beyond but a treatment takes alot less effort and gives temporary relief.

          Interesting though your Agent seemed to initially have a communication breakdown the first time around which resembled Rescue as you stated when you were actually trying to potentially date.. I would think just like any other person if he wanted a true relationship then he would state that whether it was with you or anyone else in general even when talking as friends you can be more candid. It seems to be more concerned about your? be honest with yourself and him. But I’ll guess I’ll wait for the post on him, but it’s unfair since he will be reading it too. I hope he is more than just a “hope” sandwich just in case you make a decision which doesn’t involve Rescue.

          People always show you who they are so believe them the first time around, because it will happen again.

          Okay back to Rescue,

          Last week, you seemed ready to go to work, what changed if he did everything right and had you willing to be open..

          I’ll ask again, cure or treatment? Or better yet is Rescue a cure or a treatment?

          At work today someone today me that sometimes destiny is by choice and not by chance.

          With that If you really choose to be happy then make that choice a part of your destiny.

          I still hope you work it out…like the others have stated we have read about the ups and downs in this relationship.

          Just keep moving on up like the Jeffersons..:)

          1. Okay, I’ve absorbed this just as I absorbed Rescue’s words.

            Where is all of this hesitation coming from?

            Impatience.

            What steps will he take next and when will they occur?

            I’m trying to be that Amtrak train instead of that mean bus driver who passes you up in the storming rain.

            I think the problem is that I think too much. Rescue told me that often because he could look at my face and tell me to stop and just relax.

            Not saying that I’m a control freak but let’s just say, I like to plan things out to the very last detail. I guess that characteristic is manifesting itself in my relationships as well.

            I am so not a go with the flow and just let things happen type of girl.

            Here’s the deal Social- I’m having a hard time accepting that this man does things in his own way.

            What I would do following a talk like that? Set a follow up date. Something simple, but maybe say “let me know if I can see you again _____”

            I didn’t get that, I haven’t heard that. So I guaruntee, if nothing is mentioned for a follow up or “just checking in” type of discussion, by Wednesday of tis week, I’ll be a little pissy towards him.

            You can’t say that you wouldn’t have an expectation that a man follow through after a conversation like that.

            Special Agent?

            You’re absolutely right, as the others may have mentioned, I shouldn’t even be considering him or dealing with him in any kind of way that might thwart efforts to reconcile.

            Agent has not come right out and said “I’m interested in settling down with you…” Or anything remotely similar.

            But really, he’s smart for not saying that because he is fully aware that my heart is with another man.

            Is he the “what if” or “could be”? Special Agent is another one of those good on paper.

            Who wouldn’t wonder about the man who seems to have it together. He has a good, respectable career, handling his business as a father, is educated and can articulate well. Yet at the same time, has his ways and certain things that he says that make me think he’s a pompous ass.

            I’m not looking to rebound with anyone and again, agent had the opportunity to snatch up this good woman BEFORE Rescue even booked a one-way ticket back to California.

            Enough about him. Rescue needs to be dealt with either way.

            Friend suggestion?

            Only thinking about asking him of that if he can admit that the relationship part of us isn’t something he can do. Right now.

            1. Okay, Carmen

              What usually comes from hasty decisions? Muddled results which often have to be repaired again.

              I told you before patience and time. If you can’t handle things and your dating then what happens should you marry and commit. You can’t be tired already and because we all know relationships take work. Anything too easy instantly loses it value.

              Like the others have posted if you want him then do what you need to do concerning “We”.

              In your last post, you put in there that he said “think about it and let him know”. If this was before the magic that happened that night then think about it and let him know. If it was after the magic that night then you may have given too much too soon.

              We all know a woman should not chase a man. With that you seemed to have muddled the waters by both your actions (a little) and you both have to clear it up. Have you gone back or at least him to the usual routine of a relationship?

              I would think you should spend some time together and enjoy each other, but the elephant is definitely still in the room.

              Last comment about Agent-I’m not as impressed as before. He’s like a public service announcement when your listing to your favorite song on the radio. A man that wasn’t interested in before and now appears to have interest would really make me hesitate as to the authenticity and longevity of it.

              You should really take some time with yourself, without any outside sources and focus on what you want. You seemed like a woman that in her 30’s knew what she wanted in life and the ‘man’ in your life. If you doubt yourself then how can you trust anyone else?

              1. The thoughts of me thinking about things was there before AND after the magic happened.

                The “magic” didn’t really change things in my mind, so my deal is both time and patience.

                How much more time do I (don’t cut me for saying this) spend waiting for him to get it together? How much more patience can a woman in her 30’s who knows what she wants in life and the ideal of a man she’d like to spend it with?

                I do need time to evaluate everything.

                This afternoon, I started typing in information to redeem two FREE trips. One to Las Vegas, the other to Cabo.

                The problem?

                When I got to the part where I needed to fill in the “name of your partner/second party”, I was stuck.

                I simply wasn’t able to type in any name and ended up abandoning that project, to be continued at another time.

                You guys have no idea how these types of sessions help me bring some sense of clarity to a situation.

                Time is what I really need. Not wondering when he’s going to make the next move. Patience is what I’m striving to work on.

                I guess if Rescue was really a piece of shit, things would be much easier for me.

  3. Okay, finally – he came with his A game telling you what was going on. I can understand the “falling on my own” feeling because it is something another person wouldn’t understand unless you’re going through it too.

    But you’re absolutely right responding that no matter what, you were in his corner. If you had been that woman who nagged and nagged about when, what and how long, that would be a different story but you did keep bringing up divorce.

    Welp, what happens next? A plan of action been made?

    1. Yes Kendall, finally.

      That’s just it, I listened but walked away without a resolution, a fix.

      I’m pretty much feeling like I completed a job interview then thought of all of the questions and things to say AFTER.

      Perhaps he is waiting to hear if I would even consider being with him?

      I don’t know.

  4. I know I’m still new to your blog, but I’m going to be completely blunt and honest with you.

    I was happy at first to read that you and Rescue were on the road to reconicilliation. By his actions he has shown you what a man is suppose to do when he starting and wants his woman back in his life. Like Kendall stated he brought his “A” game, so why you bringing you “D” game?

    If you truly love him and want to be with him then its real simple – Move forward as a couple and work out your issues? If not, then move on.

    Now, with moving on that Agent “friend” of yours is not it. I would strongly advise you leave that alone before it goes any futher. Like stated in a previous post by me to you if he aint talked about a relationship at all just in passing with you by now then he doesnt want one and when he does it wont be you. Pay attention to what is really going.

    With that said, woman to woman, Stop Playing and Make a Decision! Make sure its best for you.

    1. Old reader, new reader. Posting here, e-mailing me and even the text messages I receive – I welcome any and all comments.

      Thank you for the realness Ginger.

      As I was reading this I could imagine you maybe sighing “she’s tripping, rolling your eyes as you thought “she seemed smarter than this” and sucking your teeth as you typed “I know I’m still new but…”. Lol

      My D game? That’s cold but you’re right and you want to know why?

      My expectations vs reality.

      See, he sat down and opened up about everything but I still don’t know if any actions will follow the words.

      Granted, I haven’t really had the chance to talk to him since last week (okay, I could have but this type of topic isn’t something you have on a weekend getaway), but am I still going to be forced to:

      – ask questions about his doings instead of him sharing what’s going on

      – wonder when he’ll fit me into his hectic schedule, trying not to bitch about the priority level assigned

      Or anything else that was the crux of me saying “it’s over”.

      Put yourself in my position.

      You love a man, and ultimately want things to work out after a rough patch, what are you expecations going to be?

      Are you going to sit back and just wait for him to make the next move?

      Since he’s still sorting things out in life, are you willing to put what you enjoy doing on hold?

      I hear you Ginger and assure you, playing games is not my intention because I’m sure my uncertainty may be portraying this.

      I am uncertain, as I told him, of how to handle him.

      I feel like asking something simple like “when are we seeing each other again” is pushing the envelope. Why should I even have to ask? He loves and wants me so much, why isn’t he being proactive?

      It’s a lot to process. A lot.

      Guess I’m over thinking?

  5. Okay, girl let’s put your helmet on. Straight shots only. Lol.

    I totally agree with Jessie you are reluctant to do what you really want and that is be with him.

    Be an adult about the situation. You have to make tough choices in life.

    For now his words are a part of his action.

    1. Your top priority is him filing for divorce early next year. Which you know he is capable of since he has done it before. Action.

    2. You should both make each other feel special and wanted. But my focus is on you. So with that tell him what you want from him (Yes, Again), but in a loving way. You want to be his wife in the near future and you love me and you will stand by him-which is all the things he wants so lets sit down and make it really happen. Action and Words.

    You can’t throw a tantrum the first time he does something you don’t like.

    3. You have questions then get them answered. Action.

    Plan of attack – when I want something from my husband, I do the following – Cook a nice dinner, get real sexy, or watch a soccer game with him with nothing but those tall socks on. I guess that is Too much information. Lol.

    Start the conversation and ask your questions not all at once, see what he is willing to share and then go from there. If he gets frustrated back off but still be firm. Whatever you do don’t say we need to talk. That’s the words of death and defenses always kick in with men.

    4. Don’t make it too easy for him…let him chase you but still be available and supportive for your “Man”, I mean Rescue. Action.

    Use what you know about Rescue to your advantage.

    It feels good to get paid at the end of a hard day of work. So, let Rescue be your pay day over and over again!

    Although, this is a serious issue which is your heart and life, relax and trust Rescue and yourself. You have to make a decision and stand by it.

    It won’t happen overnight but it will and can happen.

    1. Lol! You gave me a crazy visual of tube socks and va-jay-jay!

      I hear you Ginger and tantrum is probably a pretty accurate description but girl, I don’t think you realize how difficult the action will be.

      Rescue often does just enough to douse the flames without necessarily putting out the fire.

      He reacts and is not very proactive.

      Something will happen in the relationship, I’ll piss a fit and call him out and he will spring into action to correct it.

      The problem?

      There’s no follow up.

      I can almost guarantee that he will call and text just enough to keep me partially satisfied, but a follow up get together to possibly talk some more and put words into action?

      I’m not so hopeful that will occur.

      I think he sometimes think that what he’s done is just enough.

      I dare you to say that me expecting him to make some moves to keep the momentum of a possible reconciliation is unrealistic.

      Jessie is right, fear is a bitch!

      A part of me would like to stay in this little corner of “I’m not sure” until I see a divorce decree.

      Relationships take work, I know and hear this time and time again.

      A part of me is just wondering if it’s in me to put forth the effort.

      Like really, what doesn’t this man understand?

      I’ll try to chill for now and remember, one question at a time. Restate the obvious. Hope for the best.

      1. Girl, I’m sorry about the visual.

        You are right you should not make all the effort.
        A man should pursue you at all times. But most men carry on like Rescue once they get a little comfortable. He knows your M-O and is not necessarily threaten by it, so you have to change it up.

        You have to set the standards of your relationship with him. So, set them if you want them and let it be the last call.

        Reward good behavior and ignore bad behavior.

        It’s your life and you have to make a decision as to who you want to share it with.

        I’ll be back to see what progress you make.

        I’m out.

  6. First thought:

    AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No you did NOT!!!!! CARMEN!!!!!!! It’s like you just threw away the last month with the ending of that story!! It sounds like the whole night ended like this: It’s OK Rescue…you fucked up, and I am royally pissed at the way you have been acting and you come in here saying EXACTLY what I need and want to hear (IMAGINE THAT) so now I am going to beg you to stay and we are going to have sex!! (insert hair twirl and bubble-gum pop here). Please, OH PLEASE, tell me this isn’t what was going through your head…

    I’m going to give you the fireman’s version of what just happened. Because as awesome as he may be, these thoughts went through his head. Ready?

    Dude, I let her be angry for a while, and when I felt like she calmed down enough I went over there and told her all the right things, man…that I love her and I’m willing to work on it and I was wrong and blah blah blah. Then I gave her the puppy dog look and I left. Then I walked/drove slow because I knew I had her. Sure enough she called and asked me to come back. I rocked her world. I am SO back IN.

    I got to hear this story SO MANY TIMES.

    Please, oh so please, tread cautiously. I think it is OK to have the D game, as someone called it, because you NEED TO KNOW if he is serious. Let him prove it to you. Don’t give into emotion easily, don’t let him in so fast. If you do, nothing will change in the long run. If you are OK with the status quo, he has no reason to change. Remember-us firemen are great at putting on a band-aid to fix a hemorrhage when it comes to our personal lives.

    I just don’t want to see you hurting over a dude anymore. I don’t think there is one out there worth the tears.

      1. Of course, you crazy B! I heart you too and have always appreciated the hard core flip side of things.

        Not negative, but that real “consider this…” Perspective.

        I know I can’t keep saying that Rescue is not my husband, but it’s true.

        The type of energy we allow ourselves to expend in relationships is far too much.

        Hell, most couples that ARE married probably don’t go through as much and put in so much effort.

        Crazy!

        1. And ha ha to the fricking haha? Twirling hair and bubble gum?

          Alright, but allow me this Esme. How long (I’m not comparing but am just saying), how long did it take you to have the “ah hah” moment with M?

        2. And ha ha to the fricking haha! Twirling hair and bubble gum?

          Alright, but allow me this Esme. How long (I’m not comparing but am just saying), how long did it take you to have the “ah hah” moment with M?

          1. Which ‘aha’ moment? The one where I realized I loved him? Or the one where I realized I needed to walk away because it was just draining me? The walking away happened three weeks ago (I think). And it took a lot. Of course hind-sight is always 20/20, I should have done it months ago. And in a way I did by distancing myself prior to that. I abhor game playing, I truly do. But I backed up because something was off, and he confirmed I didn’t matter. And when we did talk, I didn’t want him touching me.
            It does take a while for things to iron out. Slow and steady wins the race 🙂 And remember…actions, not words!! I want pics of those divorce papers…

    1. Hot damn, here she comes – that little devil on my left shoulder beating up the angel of hope on my right.

      I feel you on this, as a woman, knowing the types of games that men play in relationships.

      There’s a 50/50 chance either way, so I’m not sure if you were able to filter through my doubts in my previous comments.

      Yes – he let me calm down. Caught me off guard, said what he wanted to say.

      I believe he was sincere but knowing this firefighter mentality, just as I mentioned earlier this evening, he’s in brush fire containment mode.

      I love him but am no fool.

      You understand the reasons for my reluctance which is primarily due to him NOT following up.

      He SHOULD be doing what he can to put ACTION to his words.

      Instead, he’s resorting back to the types of exchanges we would normally have when things were cool.

      Is he and thinking leather seats and darkness with some loving words fixed everything?

      He admitted that his stuff still wasn’t where it needed to be which made me wonder that same night before the “magic” what will change.

      Don’t get it twisted – some nice ooh-ah feelings did not cloud my brain, not in the least.

      So again, I’m treading carefully.

      When I see things happening, then maybe I’ll be on board to hopefully secure a future with him.

    2. Hi Esme, what I meant was the unknown in general, moving forward in a relationship and not necessarily meaning its something bad with Rescue.

      I don’t think Carmen has had the misfortune of having experienced as many heartaches as the rest of us may have so for now, she’s probably quite leery of everything she’s hearing from Rescue. Rightfully so but at the same time, I look at it like this – everyone has to fall off of their bike at least once, scrape up their knee and experience the pain.

      She’s a smart girl, she’ll pay attention to how things go down.

  7. Always, remember you cant control everything in life. We can’t even control our own actions at times so how can we can control what others do.

    Yes, you are woman in your 30’s who knows what she wants so he does not get the luxury of wasting your time. And I think if he was wasting your time and wasn’t what you wanted then you would have left him alone a long time ago or at least longer than a month.

    You give him enough time to file for a divorce, get divorced and settle down with you. How long will that take? Only you and him can know the answer to that as you begin to communicate. If he says give him 6-12 more months, does that matter in the long term if you get what you need and desire from him. I know short term it may not feel good but if that’s too much time then you have you choice right there.

    If you can’t handle it now, you won’t handle it later. You saying you have a hard time dealing with the way he handles things speaks volumes.

    He is handling thing’s this way because you made him initially chase you down then let him have the comfort of you emotionally, mentally and physically all within the same night. So for him it is back to status quo.

    You want everything “fast” and its not that way.You are working of extremes and until you slow down and pace yourself then you will keep being frustrated and expectations will continue to go unmet. Be realistic as to what he can give to you today and tomorrow.

    I think if you truly accept the situation that you are in then you can handle it better.

    You should maybe consider taking him on one of those “free” getaways. No talk about future plans during that time. Just enjoy each other and get back to the basics. Make sure he pays for everything else though.

    Focus.

    1. Let’s do this – remove the physical part that went down.

      That hour plus session had absolutely no affect on my thoughts about this entire situation other than “damn, I missed that and it felt great”.

      Yes and yes. I’m like the hare and without a doubt, can honestly say that I have fuc#ed off things with at LEAST three men due to my impatience. I own that and recognize that.

      This situation here? I can’t emphasize enough is TOTALLY foreign to me.

      Dating a man who initially was jobless? Never. Foreign.

      Dating a man who was married? Never, wouldn’t even exchange numbers with him. Foreign.

      Giving a man who cause the demise of a relationship a second chance? Never, I rarely even talk to an ex. Foreign.

      These are just times where for once, Carmen is unsure of herself. Doubting actions, thoughts etc…

      I don’t mean to be one of those annoying, indecisive women who need to just settle with an O magazine and a cat.

      But I think we agree, the ball is in Rescue’s court and I’ll need to make him realize (in a nice way) that things are NOT status quo.

      I know we have chopped up, diced and sliced this post in so many ways.

      Get some sleep but before I go- to answer your how long question?

      Six additional months before even filing? That is not an option.

      That situation needs to get handled as soon as legally possible which is effective one year from separation. Period.

      Call it what you want, but there’s no way these people who are separated should be making plans for a future with someone else until they’ve severed the union with the person they promised to love and to hold, until death did them part.

  8. Carmen- Excuse my over zealousness in my comments on yesterday. Tried to say too much, I guess. I agree with everyone especially Jessie and Esme, and even Ginger Ann raised some good points about you and Rescue. Eveyone seemed optimistic for once concerning your situation. Frustration was an issue as I listened to different ones over the weekend having really bad experiences in their relationships and/or marriages. And all I’m thinking it’s holiday time and the fact that my ‘Honey’ and I are pacing ourselves but are really happy and I guess I was surprised that he did what you initially wanted but you seem to disregard and find something else wrong with Rescue. I do however realize although our situations were similar the men we are dealing with and our direct issues differ, but in the end result of it all is if you love him and want him in your life then work on being a couple, if he can’t give you what you want in a relationship due to his current commitment then I also understand your desire to move on to someone else that is ready for what you are looking for. If you have Peace in your decision then that’s all that matters. Back to work, you have replaced my reading of the life section USAToday. 🙂

    1. Me over USA Today?

      Rock on!!! 🙂

      I’m sitting here waiting @ the doctor’s office so I’ve got time to go back and re-read some of these comments.

      Being in that happy, post-reconciliation place that you’re in is a great thing. Looking forward to holidays and rebuilding your bond? Even better.

      That’s probably what is driving my “I know he said this but…” attitude. Holidays are always tough when you’re either single or not quite right with a loved one.

      Before I went to bed last night I did float him a text that simply said “surely you don’t think that one good talk, some good loving fixes everything?”

      He replied “No, of course I don’t”.

      Time and patience. He IS a good man and that’s why I was able to accept him as he was because I realize I could be in a similar situation if I was laid off or married and it didn’t work out.

      I’m in no hurry to meet my NEXT ex-boyfriend, that’s for sure so I’ll sit back and relax, enjoy some time looking at me and what will make me a better woman.

      Have a great day.

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