My Dating Hangovers

The Talk

“I’m certainly not able to expect or ask for an answer now, all I ask is that you think about it”.

Rescue’s words last night before I got out of his car.

Emotions, thoughts, skepticism, hope, confusion.

But wait- I’m getting ahead of myself. Last night’s talk with him caught me off guard because in my mind, I was completely over the situation since we didn’t meet up this past Sunday as originally planned.

As I always say and fail miserably, I will try to keep this update under three scroll bars.

In a nutshell, things went down
as follows:

Friday – He called, I finally answered, we spoke. I had taken the day off for some relaxation and a little retail therapy, so he happened to have caught me at a moment where I didn’t have “screw this jerk” on my mind.

The conversation started off a bit on the awkward side with the “hello”, “doing fine, how are you” and “things are okay” type of discussion.

I loosened up a bit, and soon after the conversation flowed and we started laughing a bit.

Seemed like the old us until he asked me a question that was like yanking the needle off the record – “why didn’t you tell me you were taking today off, we could have planned something”.

My icy reply of “because WE are not there” stunned him a bit, but he took in in stride and simply replied “I know, you’re right but my goal is to change all of that”.

Conversation went on a bit further and Rescue asks when we can sit down and really talk. I told him to set a date but warned him this would not be a friendly, social visit.

I made it perfectly clear that I’m pissed and disappointed at what has transpired in the last month and a half, so he had better come with his “A” game and be prepared for some serious talking. He set a date for Sunday, I agreed.

Saturday passed- nothing. No follow up calls, texts, nothing.

Sunday? I woke up with the devil in me and fired off a flurry of text messages telling Rescue he could go do himself (yeah right, you know what word was really in place of “do”).

Afterwards, I sat back and waited.

In true Rescue fashion, he reacted or should I say panicked.
Excuses of failed attempts to reach me that my caller I’d confirmed didn’t happen.

Okay, I hadn’t tried to contact him and instead of waiting, very well could have simply called and asked “What time are we hooking up on Sunday”.

Stupid things women do and our thinking that the person who screwed up things should initiate everything.

I recognize MY way of handling things may not necessarily be conducive to resolving conflict. Ironically, that is my profession but when it comes to this Rescue ordeal? Not so much.

Questions and more questions ran through my mind like:

Why shouldn’t he be doing all the work?

Why was I considering talking with him and my mind is ready to respond with nothing but doubt and negativity?

Why doesn’t he just give up? I’ve been refusing to see him for a month and have only answered 3 phone calls from him in that same period of time.

Why I can’t I be stubborn about not calling? Isn’t there some clause in a relationship that says “the one who messes up, needs to clean it up” or something like that?

Why isn’t this man being more consistent with me? If he’s truly trying to salvage things, doesn’t he realize that the reason things are where they are now is because of his failure to communicate?

Why am I allowing myself to become upset again? Did I not say I was going to ignore any further contact from him?

But the most important question of them all – “Am I truly, without a doubt, ready to be done with him?”

So last night, after enjoying a nice, hot shower, a delicious meal and two glasses of wine, I was feeling pretty damn good and relaxed. I was chatting with an old hangover, (I always referred to as “The Flame”) one of the coolest, funniest fling-turned- male confidant I have ever met. So while we’re catching up and reminiscing the house phone rings, which for me, is the equivalent of the bat phone. Very few people have that number.

It’s him.

I let the answering machine pick up and soon after, call waiting is chiming in and its him.

Rescue says it is very important that he see me, asking if he could talk to me.

“No, it’s too late, you need to move on…”

Well, that’s what I wanted to say but instead “sure, I’ve got an hour or so”.

The conversation went well beyond an hour. Far beyond.

I know some of you may be reading thinking “be done with it already” but some things are
easier said than done.

It’s time I put my big girl panties on and address my feelings face to face before severing ties of a relationship.

Of course, I’ll have to explain how it all went down.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

20 Comments

  • Just Saying

    Yes he does need to do the work. If he made plans with you, it is his responsibility to follow up. If you do it, it will appear you’re chasing him, and that he wasn’t all that serious about meeting up in the first place, just wanted to see that he could still get you to agree…….would be my first reaction, had I not neem through this exact scenerio.

    But now that I have, I still wouldn’t have called him if he made the plans. I do not chase people down to confirm plans they begged me to agree too. You are an adult, do what you want. Want to hash it out with him, then do so, on your terms. Why not make him sweat it a little? He wasn’t exactly making it easy for you when you were together.

    Not sure where all my hostility towards your situation is coming from, but it’s apparently still annoys me when people do this song and dance.

    Want to make a mends, then he should just shit or get off the pot. Too many excuses coming from this man.

    • Carmen

      Shit or get off the pot is right, and he did. Finally.

      Hostility? No, I’m not taking your response as being hostile but like you said – you’ve been through this situation before so can see a lot of things before they come my way.

      I have not.

      I hope I don’t come across as the type of woman who needs to wonder and second guess about situations as serious as this. If I do, let the record be clear – I am not that woman.

      Just Sayin’, to say this is new territory for me would be an understatement.

      This, no matter how obvious it may seem when reading, is not so cut and dry, for the novice who found themselves truly in love.

      I hope to not have to experience anything like this in life again, but knowing how shitty life can be, I can certainly expect to experience something that is quite similar.

      Maybe not.

      I dare to say there is not ONE person who has gone through a break up, separation whatever, with someone they can say was likely their first real love, and not gone through this round and round bout you mentioned.

      Then again.. Maybe I’m wrong about something. Again. πŸ™‚

      • Esme

        I think we definitely go round and round when we are in love with someone. I hate it, but we do. It means you care! You just have to give yourself the opportunity to know what you want…

        • Carmen

          Yes Esme, it shows we care but damn- the energy spent? I could certainly do without and while I don’t want it, can understand why some don’t bother and would rather be alone.

          Ironically, you had just asked me “do you really want it done for good” right before he called. Before I could reply to you, I answered the phone.

          • Esme

            Ooohhhh…I may be psychic! I need to figure out how to harness that shit.

            As much as it sucks, too bad you couldn’t answer that question, at least to yourself, before you answered the phone. Do you in anyway feel like you have answers you didn’t have before?

    • 1 Silver_Fox

      Why does it have to be considered chasing? I hear women saying this all of the time and wonder what “chase” means to you?

      Does it really matter about the specifics when it comes to two people who love each other, trying to come to a meting place in the interest of resolving theor problems?

      Hell yes, this man has a lot to contend with, he needs to step up and handle his business so I can’t make any arguments for him but for real, complaining doesn’t resolve anything. Actions do.

      • Carmen

        Silver, I don”t consider it chasing. Was just mentioning this last night because it could simply be pursuing.

        Unfortunately, when problems arise, few people can separate the important problems from the ancillary details.

        Like I said, I don’t think there are too many people who can they’ve not considered another chance for someone they were seriously involved with, unless they didn’t think they were worth it.

        I’ll just be glad when whatever will be, will be!

  • 1_Silver Fox

    A part of me agrees with you- this man has some explaining to do, so yes, let him honor his word and step up to the plate.

    Flip side? Quit playing the blame game because at the end of the day, what is really being accomplished?

    Not a damn thing.

    A month is a while but some folks take longer to rehash things and either make it or break it.

    Just make up your mind if you’re willing to work with this dude and if so, quit. Waiting for things to happen and make a move either to or away.

    • Carmen

      I agree with both sides Silver. Blame game is hard not to do.

      Normally when things go bad, there is always some culpability from both parties.

      Still, the “wrong” normally lays pretty heavily towards one and not the other.

      Time will tell.

      One thing for sure, I don’t think I’m ready to even consider dating right now so perhaps that’s my internal signal that I haven’t quite given up.

      Perhaps.

  • SocialLyte

    Whoa!

    I have 2 words ….Passion and Love.

    Passion-Because Rescue is able to set off strong emotions which leave you vulnerable yet full of expectations and “Yes” you should have expectations of this man to straighten out the mess he made of your relationship together.

    Love-Because no matter how hurt, upset or disappointed you are with Rescue, you heart and mind is still wide open and available to him. You are able to forgive.

    I agree with 1_SilverFox, if you are going to work at it then do so.

    And while some women including myself may have had ex’s chase them most have not. In most cases if a man wants to play games and see if he still has you, then the effort you described by Rescue would not have been as intense. A man baiting you would do much less because he has other options or feels as though you will be waiting for him whenever he is ready.

    When a man is done with you then you will not hear from him in most cases, why waste their time. He recognizes that he doesn’t want to lose you…he just needs to figure out how to keep you completely.

    I don’t think his communicate style will change all that much, just like I don’t think your fiery nature will change. This is where you balance out your strengths and weakness between each other. He is who he is and you are who you are.

    I hope to read real soon, you two are happy together.- divorce pending.

    Any man entering your space right now, would be a bad choice for him and you.

    We love who love and want who want. Don’t let know one convince you differently.

    Relationships takes work…solve your conflict…that’s your job! πŸ™‚

    • Carmen

      “I hope to read real soon, you two are happy together.- divorce pending.”

      You and me both!

      Ah…. Ms SocialLyte.

      Your comments always pique my interest because they are not judgmental, nor do you offer advice or say what should be done.

      Instead, those types of words that say “I have BEEN there”

      Second time, I’m admitting. I was/am vulnerable and honestly, my ego or pride has probably hindered more situations in life than I care to admit.

      Rescue’s efforts actually had started to annoy me because I felt he should be doing things differently, what I would do if I was him.

      It’s tough realizing that the world is not according to Carmen. These are his methods, so while he would call here, send a text there, I felt like he was baiting me or playing games because again, I just figure he should do things a certain way.

      But he didn’t give up, something I expected him to do WEEKS ago and not that I was playing games, I wanted him to give up and leave me alone but would have moments of flared temper, firing off some message blaming him.

      As Kanye would say, I played the blame game.

      Any man entering in my realm right now as anything more than a friend or sexual acquaintance? Setting himself up for failure likely.

      • SocialLyte

        Thanks.

        Hey, I’ll share something funny…a good friend always tells me when I think someone should do something my way- “The world does not revolve around you, and I repeat it does not revolve around you, now get over yourself. What you think this is Planet (my name)’. I laugh so hard every time she tells me this.

        I too use to operate off the black or white principle, but you learn the shades of gray are some time more soothing or bold…I call that area ‘compromise’ and ‘uh oh am I thinking about someone else’s needs before mine’. I gasp in panic. Lol, but it can be worth it and if not you learn and can tweak your shades of gray.

        Sometimes when we actually take responsibility for our own actions, we realize we contributed to the situation both positively and negatively. But hey, I play the blame game too. It’s easier and takes the pressure off.

        To discuss other men would be a disservice to you and even Rescue at this point. It’s like a black hole right now, no one can fill it. Period.

        • SocialLyte

          Question: now seriously, would you really want to deal with another you? Just jokes.

          I’m asking cause you expect him to be like you. No and No.

          You stated previously if you two got married you wouldn’t want to change him.

          So, ‘Womp, there he is’!

          • Carmen

            Lol @ Black Hole and goodness no, not another me. I’m great and all but a little too feisty.

            Talk about a sobering reality. What I’m seeing is what I would be getting if I made it that far. With him.

  • Jessie

    He broke you. Now I get it. In fact, more like broke through to you.

    I gotta admit, reading these last couple of posts I figured you didn’t know which way was up when it came to handling things with. Rescue.

    This man has done something the others may not have which is to reveal that you are vulnerable.

    It takes a lot to admit that. I wish I was stronger in that aspect, able to ward off bad situations before I’m in them for years.

    There’s nothing wrong with having moments of weakness for the right person and reasons. I don’t know what else to say about this situation. People go through this stuff all day without resolve so if you think there is a means to the end, do what you feel is right.

    • Carmen

      Damn Jessie, I’m reading “he broke you” like wow, okay. That’s true and I’m not even embarrassed saying that.

      I guess that explains why I have been warm and cold.

      Still, pissed off is pissed off. Disappointed is disappointed.

      I can’t tell how long those feelings will subside, I’m a person who takes a long time to forgive.

      Above all, I’m frustrated with myself at times because I don’t have gray areas in my life. Black and white is much easier but I’ve found through these last 8 months, gray is the predominant color.

  • SocialLyte

    That’s what wrong with our society in general…people give up, walk away or just plain quit the first sign of trouble or something does not go their way. My favorite two sayings, ‘i don”t like this’ and ‘i aint got to put up with the bullsh@t’. People kill me with that. Lol. Cause they move on to even bigger piles of bullsh@t and things they dont like, most times. A vicious cycle.

    No true commitment…this applies to jobs, education, and definitely relationships.

    I’m not saying be a doormat, fool or put up with things unacceptable to you. But if you want and believe its attainable and worth it then by all means.

    Much joy.

    • Carmen

      True, true and true.

      There’s no real commitment to anything nowadays except maybe a smart phone.

      Seriously, take marriage/divorce statistics. Fewer are getting married, yet even more are getting divorced at the drop of a dime.

      My Mother always tells me the people of my generation (those born in the late 60’s and on) have no respect for the union and have no direction or clue on how to maintain relationships.

      I agree. But at the same time, folks (particularly women) were a lot more tolerant. Exceedingly so.

      Being a door mat in unacceptable so I am thankful I never had to deal with anything bad in terms of treatment with Rescue.

      You’re right, conflict resolution is my job!

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