My Dating Hangovers,  Red Flags,  Uncategorized

Who’s Looking For Perfection?

 

“So the man has issues, at least he’s willing to spring for a $500 per night date.  Stop looking for perfection and just roll with him”.

These are the words heard from a good friend ealier this week who tried to chastize me for complaining that I had a great time with Tall Glass of Wine, but realized why I decided not to continue dating him months back.   Initially, I felt a little bad because overall, he is a really great guy.  On the surface, at least.  However, just a few moments later I realized she was wrong, wrong, wrong and that I was not looking for perfection at all. 

You see, the thing about Tall Glass is that he is one of the most mild-mannered and caring individuals I know of.  He is adventurous, spontaneous, generous, carefree and has a great sense of humor.  This past Tuesday night, he and I laughed and danced while enjoying ourselves at the Jay Z/Kanye West concert and just like the rock venue we’d attended together a few months prior, we had a great time together.

I guess it is true that when you’re not interested in someone romantically or for dating purposes, you may often enjoy spending time with them a lot more.  I’m not looking to date him, don’t need to use him as a fu@# buddy so all of the usual “I haven’t heard from you in days” or “You didn’t return my text message” little annoyances go right out the window.  I simply don’t care about any of that and have simply been enjoying the friendship for what it is.

Tall Glass on the other hand?  I’m not exactly sure what his intentions may be but I have my suspicions especially since each time I’ve seen him he’ll try going for the open mouth kiss (which is met by my closed mouth “good to see you” type of peck) and while driving to the concert he flat out said “I just want to bury my head in between your legs just once” (which was met by an exaggerated laugh and “you’re so crazy” from me).  Friendship is all I’m looking for with him, so he can extend as many invites as he wants but they better be simply because I’m fun to be around without the expectation for more.

So what’s the problem?

Well, I guess that same adventurous, spontaneous, generous and carefree way of life that he’s living is far too extreme for me, hence the reasons I’ve gone from “Oh, he’s a breath of fresh air and has kept chivalry alive” to “Wow, this dude is just as screwed up as the others”.  

Just based on our latest discussions, I’ve learned a lot more about him than he’d originally shared which is a glaring red flag of iressponsibility in a 37 year old man.  He allows himself to be taken advantage of far too often, from the needy friends who always need some money or a favor including the ex-girlfriend whose tab has run up to a couple of hundred dollars that he’s now resolved as a write-off.   He is also a master procrastinator which explains how he missed his flight to visit family for Thanksgiving, the $2000 unexpected wallet ding for a new transmission (knowing your transmission is on its last leg and making a 225 mile trip is probably not the smartest thing to do),  why his business is not thriving and has not turned a profit in years, why he’ll likely have his ass handed to him on a platter once his “shortages” on paying taxes catch up with him and finally, why his dysfunctional relationship with his sibling causes him to live like a hermit, taking refuge in his bedroom instead of roaming about like a normal person in the large home they share.  The increasing “herb” habit when he’s stressed?

Okay, okay – HIS issues, not mine is probably what you’re thinking.  However, aside from his overall mismanagement in life?  He’s got insecurities about ME.  Yes, ME.

Recently, Tall Glass was quite candid (perhaps it was the Patron?) one evening when he told me I intimidated him.  No wait, his exact words were “I was afraid of someone like you” because I seemed to have it altogether and knew exactly what I wanted in life.  I took this as somewhat of a compliment, that I projected an image of confidence and being goal-driven, but at the same time I looked at him a little differently, like he was a coward.  What man would allow an image, a projection of a woman who wants someting for herself, has a desire for a lasting relationship and a future make him feel like he should fear her?  From what I gathered from hearing his admissions was a man who instead of recognizing a great woman and all of her worth, led to him feeling more inept about his own life than how he already felt.

Damn again.

I feel sorry for him in a way, but at the same time am so thankful that I dodged yet another bullet and realized before learning all of these details, he was not the man for me.

So even when hearing my friend have the nerve to say that I was looking for perfection after sharing that I was no longer attracted to him because of his lifestyle, I know that my feelings have nothing to do with perfection.  Hell, if I was looking for perfection, why would I have even given Rescue the time of day?

I am not perfect, nowhere near it nor do I aspire to try and be perfect.  BUT I do know this;  a financially irresponsible man, one who is unable to come up with something as basic as a 6 month plan aside from taking things “one day at a time”, is not the man for me.

I’m still not interested in taking on the dating demons, so to hell with looking for a cure for now. 

Carmen ~

 

 

 

 

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

10 Comments

    • Carmen

      So true Melzie but for the life of me, I can’t understand why I keep meeting these birds with broken wings.

      Too many men over the age of 30 who are completely clueless.

  • 1 Silver_Fox

    Well, at least he likes to have fun and at least you’re not just blinded by a good time.

    Definitely, Tall Glass sounds like he’s got some things to figure out, hence his carefree way of life. I won’t judge the man and I know you aren’t either (just staing some cold hard facts), but there’s a reason why he’s single.

    You get to a certain point in life, you realize you need to put a little hustle in your plans for life.

    Yep, be thankful you dodged another bullet but come on, you gotta get those dating shoes back on.

    • Carmen

      Thank you for recognizing I wasn’t judging either. Just making some er.. Uh, observations. 🙂

      As for dating, you’re right- I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. I just need to get through the “winter slow down” of dating.

  • Esme

    I definitely don’t think you are looking for perfection. Perfect doesn’t exist! But there is such thing as perfect FOR YOU…and there is nothing wrong with demanding that, or looking for that. When someone tells me I am being picky, I tell them ‘damn straight’.
    You deserve your perfection!

  • SocialLyte

    May hope ring eternal for you going into the New Year.

    You seem to be slowly but surely weeding through your hangovers and determining what works for you.

    What is acceptable to you may not be acceptable to someone else…And that’s alright as long as you are happy. Go for want and wait for what you need.

  • Jessie

    Your friend has it backwards – I don’t think you’re looking for perfection, not even remotely. Perhaps she doesn’t fully understand what motivates you, what makes you happy and a $500/night date is lovely but that isn’t your style.

    Hellooooo.

    I don’t see anything wrong with analyzing someone’s lifestyle at all and I agree, some of these men (women, you guys are just as bad) are really too damn old to be so clueless about what they want in life.

    Keep breaking them down. Clear mind allows you to filter through the good times and see a person for who they really are.

    *off my soap box now*

    • Carmen

      It’s okay Jessie – you can get back on that box as often as needed. You’re absolutely right, clarity to see them for who they are.

      @ Social – yep, weeding through the hangovers and even the ones who never even made it to hangover status.

      I’ve met two men since Rescue who “appeared” to have it together but all too quickly, their issues and signs of some kind of neurosis popped right out the box!

      In the words of Mary J “all I really want, is to be happy.. To find a love that’s mine, it would be so sweet”..

      Okay, not all super sappy as those words look, but you get it. 🙂

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