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Giving up on men

I’m done with men.
All of the good men are taken.
I would rather be alone.
I’m going to date ____ men.
I’m going to play for the other team.

Any of these sound familiar?

If you’re a woman old enough to have experienced enough disappointment and heartache, you’ve probably said one or two, and more than likely, you grumbled all of them.

If you’re a man, you’ve likely heard all of them far too often and yes – these comments may have been directed at you. You also may have thought or said “maybe it is you and not the men”, when hearing these cliche’ comments but how about that last one?

That is the one I’ve been hearing the most as of late and thought damn, things are really bad.

“My luck with men is just horrible, I guess I need to go play for the other team”. This was a friend’s Facebook status a few weeks back, and while we joked about it, I wondered how much of that thread was a joke and how much of it was REAL.

Does a history of crappy relationships and flings with men lead a woman to turn to another woman? Can a woman’s traditional sense of the roles in relationships be flip flopped just like that out of sheer frustration?

I’m guessing it can and yes- I have had moments where I was completely at my wits end and figured (a) dating outside of my race was needed or (b) try women. Call it my beliefs or just a programmed mind, but the second option was immediately snuffed out as an absolute non-option.

Here’s what I think may be 5 reasons why women may say to hell with men and say yes to the breasts:

1. Hopelessness.

This one seems to be the most obvious, while many of my friends and I have joked about it, there’s probably some consideration from most.

Why not?

I’ll admit, after the last three relationships I felt as if I would rather be alone instead of dealing with so much disappointment again. Yet, just like with my friend, those thoughts are only temporary once the sting has worn off and you realize being alone is NOT what you want. So what does a woman do? Consider other options, that’s what.

We look at inter-racial dating if we think our pool is tainted, we look at older/older men and some of us even lower our standards a bit and go for the types of men we wouldn’t ordinarily consider. Or…experiment with another woman.

2. Curiosity.

What is it like to be with another woman? Will she treat me better because she knows what a woman wants? Can I actually do it?

I remember from my online dating history, I would often receive messages and attempts to connect from other women. My profiles were always quite clear nearly screaming “strictly dic_ly”, but oh, they certainly kept trying. The response I would get each time I politely explained I was interested in men only? “Have you ever tried? You can’t knock something until you’ve tried it”.

I’m not knocking any of the women who have tried it or are in relationships with women, but I can come up with more solid reasons for why this wouldn’t work for me than any curiosity could quell.

3. They are lesbian, plain and simple.

I would take a guess that half of the women leaving men alone have felt the attraction and desire to be with another woman for quite some time, so after enough bad experiences with men figured this was meant to be.

4. They are bisexual.

Bisexuality is an interesting behavior that can either be real or fake. The real interest in both women and men can simply be that they are turned on by what encompasses a woman – the femininity, the beauty. In fact, there are studies that allude to the fact that a woman’s gender and sexuality can be fluid; changing their roles depending on who they are with. Also, a little dabbling here and there such as at a swingers party or fooling around with a friend may have given a woman a sense of awareness of her attraction to the same sex. Yet at the same time, she still has the desire for a man and is purely interested in variety.

The fakes? Well, these are the women (normally younger, immature) who say these things, act them out and play the part all to turn men on. Oh yes, we know how they’re always interested in a menage a trois with two women. Mention it involving two MEN and all bets are off. As one of my male confidant’s like to say “Men are more interested in a carpet muncher and not sword fighting with another man”.

Last but not least…

5. They long for an emotional connection.

I totally get this. The interest in being with another woman makes sense because we are one in the same. We understand each other’s moods, the need to be comforted, to have someone who listens and really (or at least acts like it) understands.
Possible, right?

Women have valid reasons based on what we’ve gone through dating the opposite sex to have a sour feelings, right?

There haven’t been any conclusive studies or anything that I’ve seen, but it is a fact – the landscape of dating and relationships is constantly changing.

Gone are the traditional ideas of dating. Those of us who are truly honest with ourselves know good and damn well- being alone is not what we really want. While you may be harping about being single and drama free, doing your own thing, when you’re at home and in bed A-L-O-N-E, reality sets in.

So what’s a woman to do?

The bottom line is this – if men really were all that bad, there would be no straight women.

Two fist pumps in the air for those who are looking to trade teams and give up the Derek Fisher for Sheryl Swoops.

I’m going to have to stay with my current team, Team Penis!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

12 Comments

  • 1_Silver Fox

    So this is why you’ve been away so long? Pondering women!

    Alright C, here’s my take. First of all, I think the main reason we’re losing women to women is out of curiosity. Period.

    They either experimented once before or always wanted to see what being with a woman was like, so the offenses (admittedly) men are guilty of in many cases is only an excuse.

    Sure, seeing women on women is exciting. I’m thinking its a fantasy and if lucky enough, a reality to have witnessed for most men. But the playtime stops in the bedroom for me, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who wanted things to go beyond that ie a relationship.

    At the end of the day, you’re right, to each is own.

    Just don’t give up on us, you already know this and I know you’re writing this with a twist of humor but there are still a few good men out here.

    • Carmen

      Hey there Silver!

      Yes, I’m still here and have not yet jumped into the sea of poop – aka dating.

      I only brought this issue up because honestly, I’ve been hearing it more and more.

      It’s kind of sad though, to think that as a woman an alternative to the experiences with men would be to be with another woman.

      I have several friends who are either bisexual or lesbian and I’ve always wanted to ask the latter how that came to be.

      One thing I ask myself and know the answer to is this: could I tolerate the moods, emotional needy urges or PMS moments?

      Nope.

  • Melzie

    I totally agree with your points, Carmen. I guess the next time I hear this adage I’ll suggest they “give up on immature/unavailable/add a hang up men” :-).

  • Diane

    It’s always nice to consider the options but like you, I could come up with a few reasons on why dating a woman would be as big a headache as men. I mean really, we do stuff like… blog! haha

    • Carmen

      Yes Diane- we like to talk and talk and talk, then talk some more about our issues.

      I admire those who are able to step outside the box, but it just doesnt seem like it would be my cup of tea.

      Women just need to choose wiser.

  • Jessie

    Interesting take, I always figured it was just curiosity or just wanting to try something new. Saying you’re just frustrated with men? I don’t think so because if that was the case men would be saying screw women and dating men right?

    I’m thinking its just something to do and I’ve said things like “I’m croSsing over” but would never do it.

    • Carmen

      Hadn’t thought of that Jessie, in terms of men and you’re right – I’m thinking more of us saying it out of frustration but may not give the actual action a second thought.

  • Tracy

    Interesting discussion, Carmen! I believe if a woman CAN move over to the other team, she already has a tendency for women–and I’m not judging–just sayin the issue may not be her “frustration with men.” Enjoyed the post!

    • Carmen

      Yes Tracy, the tendency is likely already there. Perhaps women have had one too many girls night out or bump and grind sessions on the dance floor.

      I guess some women act like there’s a switch that can go off and on for men. Whatever the case, abandoning one for the other out of frustration is not a very good reason to switch teams.

      Thanks for reading and sharing!

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