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Minimal Expectations

What a difference a week can make. I’m glad to report that the dating fairies have put down their Ouija boards for a few days, and allowed me to enjoy myself a bit this weekend.

Drums please…

I had a very enjoyable and refreshing meet up (yes, different than a date) with a man who was close to having been eliminated from even being considered for anything because he moved at a much slower pace. I figured he was either one of those knuckle heads who asked for my number with no intention of actually talking, or had so much going on (on and off line), he simply had no time. Luckily, I was wrong and after having absolutely no hope or expectations, was pleasantly surprised.

About two conversations and several days of texting, with a few missed call attempt in between, and I was beginning to feel a little blah. Of course I’m smart enough to know that I can’t expect to have fabulous conversations with every man I meet, but damn- I was getting annoyed with the hit or miss contacts. Finally, we had that one phone call that gave us both an idea of what gem we may have stumbled on. But hold on, not so fast as I remember what has happened the last two times. Great discussions, building of interest, anticipation of learning more, excitement to meet, then you learn Santa doesn’t exist. Slight exaggeration but you get the gist of the let down.

After last week, I decided to change the game a bit on how I’ll be approaching future situations. To hell with allowing myself to get all wrapped up in telephone conversations, sharing extra details like my full name, planning a date and fussing over whether peep toe pumps or sexy heels would be best. It just seems like the more hope you have and investing of time and energy is put out, the longer and harder the fall to disappointment when the in person doesn’t mesh when the online photo and phone versions don’t match up with the actual person when finally meeting.

Surely you don’t think I’ve gotten over the utter shock and pure disgust from last week! The poster child for why there’s even a My Dating Hangovers blog, The Score – aka The Fraud, aka The Critter. Wasted energy, a wasted outfit.

I feel like I’m approaching this dating situation all wrong because I allowed myself to have hope. Pssh! What was I thinking? That someone could possibly be as honest, truthful and as attractive as I had suspected and he had built himself up to be?

The carefully crafted photographs of illusion, the conversations worthy of a page in the “How to land a hot woman” almanac, the build-up of anticipation where I thought I would have serious problems holding out on the nookie for 30 days. The build up continued while planning where the first date would take place, making sure it was a REAL date and not a meet up. It continued up to the day when I scrambled for something new (as if someone I NEVER met would know the difference) to wear that was sexy, but not slutty. Waste of everything and just thinking about it again.

Flashback over.

Instead, I’m going to roll with a different approach. While I will continue screening messages for automatic exclusion based on obvious factors such as married or separated men, geographically undesirable, unattractive, dialogue bordering on illiteracy and more, I’ll be a little more reserved on the excitement and anticipation.

I put this new way of thinking into effect the same day of that pitiful date, and of course, a test subject was needed.

Enter Jersey Boy, my pleasant surprise date from Saturday.

I mentioned earlier that this one had a very slow start and he started messaging me around the same time as The Fraud, but my interaction with Jersey Boy was different.
In fact, everything was the
polar opposite to the types of men I may be inclined to respond to and particularly with his online profile. Fraud’s ugly ass offered plenty of detail in his summary about why he was on the site, what he was looking for and the type of woman he wanted to avoid.

Jersey Boy’s profile was a masterpiece of minimalism, offering nothing other than the basic descriptors about height, marital status, location, children etc.

Fraud had plenty of professional head shots that painted him as a nice looking man in his early 40’s, and also had several body shots which reminded me of those trick mirrors in a fun house as they portrayed a man about 5’9 or so in height. Plus, he had about fifteen different photos posted.

Jersey Boy had one photo, that’s it, and it was a simple shot that only showed the upper half of his body. We all know how that could go.

Needless to say, I wasn’t all that excited about what was being presented, but after a few messages, agreed to exchange numbers.

What I soon found out was that he sounded like quite a catch, so here are some of the highlights:

– Single (yes!)
– 45 yrs old
– 6’4 (double yes!)
– A 17 year- old (out of state!)
– VP for a major corporation
– Loves to travel

Sounds pretty good, huh? But again, I’m on this new kick and take it all in and that’s it.

The meet up?

Initiated by me, via text and out of the blue. I was hoping to have seen someone who was in town for the weekend, but that never materialized. So during a break, I sent Jersey Boy a text simply stating “We need to meet up and find out right away if it’ll be a “hell no” or “way to go”. He replied joking we should go ahead and get it over with; a sense of humor is always nice. In fact, the same day I shared my story with him about the uh.. Height discrepancy from last week, he forwards me a photo with a note saying “6’4, not 5’4”.

The plan?

I was going to suggest where to meet, but instead told him I will leave it in his hands, and tell me the time and place. Moments later, I received the address to a Starbuck’s in San Pedro. Odd. He lives in Pasadena and I figured he might choose somewhere in between the two of us, but hell – it was only 15 minutes from me so I wasn’t going to argue. We were supposed to just get together for about 30 minutes or so since we both had something to do later that evening.

The preparation?

None. I threw on a tank top, some nicely fitted jeans and some heels, a little mascara and was out the door. I’ll have to share the shoe dilemma some other time, but point being is that I put a significantly less amount into getting ready than I had days earlier.

The expectations?

Little. I figured he would be a quiet and introverted guy or a stuck up jerk but goodness, he was…. Great. I mean a really nice guy with an amazing body, nice smile and friendly demeanor. As we sat there watching people, talking about our upbringing, and a few dating experiences, we noticed how time had passed on. Jersey Boy points to the top of the hill recanting memories when he lived in the city, hence the meeting place. Then he asks if I had ever seen the sunset and as long as I have lived in California, I had only seen it that close to the Pacific Ocean from Palos Verdes but never from that location.

What was meant to be a brief meeting ended up turning into a mini tour of the city. I was impressed (probably a little bit fascinated) with how interesting he made his previous dwelling area sound. We drove around trying to get the best sunset spots, seeing the Chinese garden and one of THE most amazing basketball courts ever! It was surreal and looked like you were playing on the edge of a cliff, beautiful water all around you. The tour continued, we talked and talked and talked. Family, sports, travel- you name it.

About two hours or so later, we both realized we had somewhere else to be and agreed to head back to my car. A nice hug ended our get together and a few minutes later, he was calling to say how beautiful I was and expressing how happy he was to have met me.

My sentiments exactly.

The prognosis?

Unknown. He is definitely a workaholic.

We shall see.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen~

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

10 Comments

  • Melzie

    Awwwwesome! So glad everything went smoothly and the initial impression was favorable. You’ve given me something to think about. Perhaps overly expecting, preparing, etc. serves no purpose other than to keep up in a constant circle for wanting more when what we have is just fine. Thanks for sharing and inspiring ;-)!

    • Carmen

      Mel, the thought process helps tremendously.

      As of right now, not much else in terms of follow up.

      Oh well… As long as I pay attention to yesterday’s Lyrical Fire and don’t saunter back to the one I shouldn’t, I’m doing okay. πŸ™‚

  • Kendall

    Sounds like a nice time and you certainly deserve a refresher. It’s sad to know that so many folks are looking for the same thing but it seams unreachable.

    Lets hope this one can create some kind of momentum.

    • Carmen

      Hi there Kendall and as of right now – no momentum with this one.

      I’ll keep pressing on but hey- the bright side is this revised way of thinking has left me feeling better. I’m not bummed out or anything, this works much better. πŸ™‚

  • Anonymous

    I like the idea, but hopefully you’ve not become jaded to the point of being a little lackluster when you meet the next guy.

    • Carmen

      Anonymous, don’t get the wrong idea. I won’t be a straight up jerk about this dating thing by being completely lackluster.

      I’m basically saying the expectations and level of anticipation, followed by planning and the like will be reduced. Greatly.

      My focus on certain things such as caliber, physical appearance and any potential good on paper features will not be scrutinized as heavily.

      Damn, I’m reading this back and it sounds like I’m either giving up hope or settling.

      I haven’t given up yet, but I’m fairly close.

  • traci

    Hey Carmen,

    I grew up in San Pedro and recognize the basketball courts you are referring to : ) they actually show up in movies and commercials from time to time. Glad you enjoyed your tour, there is so much beauty there…. there are some awesome hiking spots very near that area too! That would make a great daytime date (hint, hint) ; ) He sounds nice, but beware the workaholic, eeeek.

    That whole height thing with men is just so very wrong. I only made one match during my short online dating stint, and he lied about that as well. He said 6’1″ and was actually a little shorter than me (I’m 5’8″). I think the reason they do it (although yours sounds pathological lol) is because they must think that they are going to wow you with their awesome personality or something. What else can it be?

    • Carmen

      Hey there Traci and yes- enjoyed the mini tour of that area. Sadly, there are already three bells ringing about Jersey Boy.

      He’s an excessive texter, is always working, and isn’t very forward.

      The texting as you know, is my personal peeve and my bad- while I established a somewhat fuck it kind of attitude where I simply am not putting as much energy in early on, I need to revert back to my communication preferences. The previous hangovers were each told before the numbers exchange that there was a no text ban for the first 3 weeks. Surprisingly, they all agreed and enjoyed my little social experiment.

      This guy? Well… You know how women can conjure up reasons for why someone wouldn’t just pick up the damn phone and call, so no need to mention those bit the obvious would be 1. He’s busy, 2. He doesn’t want to talk, or 3. He’s in the company where he isn’t able to talk. Interesting though if any of the above applies because these same people will continue to text. Sigh.

      Number two, he’s a workaholic and I can totally understand that. If you’re VP status, sometimes your days never end.

      Third could simply be that he’s just not interested, which is why he hasn’t mentioned anything about a follow up date. You know this part is always a little conflicted because he kept saying over and over how impressed he was, glad we met yadda yadda yadda.

      At this point, he’s likely going to end up a stick in the mud because as I just said these words to a former hangover days ago – a woman doesn’t tell a man how to pursue and what to do. If he’s not doing it, he doesn’t really want it and the two of us should just keep it pushing.

      Oh yeah- the height thing. Like you said, a couple of inches no biggie. Saying you’ve got a mandingo sized penis and you’re working with a thumb-sized instead? That’s a biggie. Pun intended.
      Haha!!

      Thanks for stopping by sweetie. πŸ™‚

  • Esme

    You had a good time…during a tour of PEDRO?!? I lived there for so long, I’m OK never seeing it again. But family calls…

    Plus is that he made Pedro interesting. But I am guessing there is bad, so I must read on…

    • Carmen

      Haha!!! You thought there was a happy ending? Gotcha!

      Yes, it was him but I also have lived in near there for so long and never took time to explore. I always thought of Pedro as a boring knock off of Palos Verdes with its views. Jersey Boy is a very intellectual man and is a touristy type of person, so he was actually a good guide.

      Still…he WAS and that’s a wrap!

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