My Dating Hangovers,  THIS is Why I'm Single!,  Uncategorized

Dishonest Men, Jaded Women

I can’t even front right now, I’m feeling pretty disgusted right now and for just a moment, was licking a wound or two.  Okay, I get it – Special Agent was not a person who ever should have been a contender for dating so realizing that months ago, I made the awful mistake of agreeing to remain friends.  This was all him, he reached out to me, he initiated most types of contacts with each other but damn his actions are just so foul.  I’m disappointed and a little hurt that someone who professed to be such a stand up kind of man could be so dishonest.  We agreed not to do the dating thing and while I was perfectly okay being friends, it was always him initiating the risque conversations about sex or fellatio so once again – we have a man telling a woman one thing, yet behaving the opposite of what he’s saying.  Do you talk about fucking your friend?  Not me.

It just isn’t right.

Just 24 hours ago, I was laying in a bed as well but it wasn’t mine and I certainly wasn’t staring at the screen of a laptop.  What should have been an enjoyable evening in the city that I consider my home away from home, it ended with me wondering if I was too tired to get up, grab my things and make that 2 hour drive back home.  SA and I were taking one of several breaks and chatted mainly;  a little about music, a question about why I blogged the last post the day before coming down and more.  Little did I know, he already knew that trouble was brewing and never let in on this, instead becoming annoyingly curious each time I picked up my cell phone.  For the most part, I enjoyed being in his company until he began opening his mouth and inserting his foot.  SA realized that it was best to bid each other good night and drift off to sleep after these three comments:

“You’re right, I really don’t know what I want” – Before any lecturing begins, it’s quite simple how this admission came about.  I told SA about a conversation with someone earlier that day and that I told the person “He isn’t a bad guy, he just doesn’t know what he wants”.  For him to admit this was certainly no shocker and can also be interpreted as him knowing what he does NOT want.  It’s a shame he couldn’t have said this much sooner and it is sad that at the age of 38, he still does not know.

“What do you think about making this a regular thing?” – I think the look on my face was one of sheer horror when SA says this meaning, me making a trek down there and having multi-orgasmic sessions was something we should plan to do on a regular basis.  Is he crazy? I was completely dumb founded and when I didn’t reply he remarked that probably wouldn’t work for me with all of the men and “situations” I was dealing with.

“Actually, I can’t say that either – anything regular wouldn’t work for me” – SA says that he has a few “situations” he has to deal with right now where he couldn’t commit to doing that.

What the hell is wrong with this picture?  Once I picked my jaw up off the floor I finally responded and said “SA, I am on the highway going north and you’re going south.  Meaning there is absolutely no confusion in my mind about what I want.  You on the other hand, say you do not know which means there is nothing for us to talk about in terms of regularity.  Nothing at all.” He ASSumed that I was dating and carrying on intimately with many men because that is what he is doing where he lives.  The fact that I would not have to offer any explanations or even call up  any men I deal with if I decided I’m going to work on dating one person, versus this genius telling me he wouldn’t be able to explain his busy status so easily was classic.   So when he asks if I want to talk about it more, and to share what’s on my mind I simply said let’s leave it alone, told him goodnight and turned my back.

Perhaps it is just the way he sleeps or an early onset of sleep apnea, or maybe  a guilty conscious (if he had one) prevented him from sleeping without being so restless, and maybe it was because I had a nagging sensation that something was awry, that I could barely sleep.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but after being jarred awake at 5am by his cell phone ringing, interrupting what little sleep I was able to get, I woke up thinking it’s time for me to go.

There are so many details I’m leaving out partly because I really don’t want to expend any more energy and mainly to preserve what will go in the book.  Fast forward to us showering, getting dressed and him having to remind me that I had agreed to breakfast.  Opting to drive my own car an just follow him to the restaurant, a quick phone call was made to one of my girlfriends to give her the recap of the night.  That nagging feeling was still there afterwards and remained as SA and I ordered and ate breakfast.  It was at this time that he joked once again that a few relatives, women he USED to deal with and friends read the blog, adding that some had been calling all day yesterday since my post to say “What are you doing tonight”, pleading that I at least change his name on the blog.  I told him I wouldn’t change his name, but would modify a few other details and asked what he had to hide to be so concerned now.  It’s been two years, what changed?

For some odd reason, SA looked unnerved and ready for something to happen.  At any moment when I was quiet and staring out of the window, reflecting, he continued to ask what was on my mind.  Finally, my patience with this questioning had worn thin and I asked what his problem was?  He says I just don’t want you to post anything I don’t already know, adding that we’re good friends and should be able to talk about anything before he has to learn about something I wasn’t happy about from last night on the blog.  What an odd thing for him to say so again, not knowing what is behind his paranoid behavior I DID agree to leave out any sordid details and that was it.  After making a few idle threats about being able to shut my web site down, he conceded that he couldn’t ask anything further.  Breakfast ends without incident but the mood is different and  the air is a little thick, so I couldn’t wait for him to walk me to my car, give the obligatory hug and peck on the cheek and away I went.

No sooner than two minutes on the road and I was calling my girlfriend back to confirm what I had felt earlier.  That although SA and I had agreed to remain friends, seeing each other when available and having no expectations beyond that, he was expecting a long distance booty call arrangement.  No deal for me, so the plan was to simply get back home get some much needed sleep, update my blog and leave it at that.   Instead, I made a detour to the dealer and while waiting for an oil change decided to finally check and approve the comments from yesterdays post.

The very first one was from a woman who left her cell phone number and asked that I please call her to find out if the post she’d stumbled on from yesterday was indeed about the same man she was involved with, the second from another woman who had found the first post about him from 2010.  Damn.  Shit.  Damn.  You have got to be kidding me!

I didn’t want to but I did, and over an hour later I found out so much about this man from a woman who has been involved with him off and on for over SIXTEEN years.  I heard that the SAME day I was there he told her he was called away for a SPECIAL assignment, I learned that she was in a “committed” and “monogamous” relationship with him, that she was just there TWO days before I had visited and that he had just told his sisters during that visit that they were planning MARRIAGE.  I grumbled when she told me about his live in GIRLFRIEND  that he ended things with two months ago, something she learned from one of his sons and so much more.  Soon, I felt as if my ears were being overloaded with bullshit but we then realized that the “busy working” excuse he so often used was just that, an excuse and cover up.

I finally asked her when he shared the blog with her and she says he didn’t; she was so perplexed at his behavior and how to deal with him once they had committed to making things work (for real this time), she Googled “how to date…”  This woman told me that she called him out on this, at which point he told her I was nothing but a friend and that the blog about the birthday outing with the kids and Dad were all lies, embellished details from a writer.  There went that feeling of bullshit overload again and I had heard enough but there was so much more, but I’ll spare the details. You never know who’s reading, right?

It’s past 11pm and this was much longer than I intended it to be and quite frankly, I’m drained.  After I processed all of this earlier today, I sent a simple text so SA which said:

“Interesting…I understand you were on a special assignment last night.  How interesting!  Is that what you call blowing out my back and receiving award winning head is called?  You’re shitty and should have just left me alone.”  He sent an apology, said that wasn’t the full story and wished me “All the best” in the future.  Next was “it was no expectations, say what you want”.

No asshole, I got the no expectations part because it was ME who said that would be the motto but that was with the understanding that you were single – not in a relationship.  Makes a big difference.

It wasn’t funny, but I laughed.  That’s all I can do about situations like this is just laugh to keep from going insane.

Men like him will meet a woman and make some comment about them being jaded or damaged goods if they are a little too inquisitive or suspicious, yet fail to realize that it was some dishonest man who made them that way.  These men should be lucky that there are more sane women such as myself as opposed to the kinds you hear about on Snapped.

I’m just saying.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

19 Comments

  • 1_Silver Fox

    Are you serious? Fools like this make me sick, so forget what anyone else says – this shit ain’t right. The only fault on you baby girl is allowing him back in yor life as a friend. This is what happens when we want to do the proverbial “have your cake and eat it too”. How old is he? I’m guessing a younger cat in his twenties but whatever the case you’re the lucky one. Hell, the woman who thought she was dealing with a committed lover while he how do yo say- blew your back out.

    I will do this, give him the benefit of the doubt because someone you don’t know from Adam is the messenger. At the same time you didnt say he denied anything AND apologized so I guess my benefit it up in smoke.

    Enjoy your Sunday beautiful.

    • Carmen

      He’s almost 40 silver and yes, you would think I’m dealing with the clueless college sophmores. Nope, I’m dealing with the seasoned players, hence the reason they’re really “single” at such an old age.

      A lot of times you hear “single by choice” or “havent found the one” and especially “women play too many games”. Surely men and women both play the games but the men created them, we just learned to perfect them.

  • Ginger Ann

    Ginger you are the shit, I can even be mad. Most of what you said is true but I’m sure as hell not taking the blame for all of it. My bad going against my instinct. I took your comment, tweaked and posted it as a guest post.

    I truly appreciate your insight.

    Now if only all of the assholes in the world could get it.

  • Esme

    Ooohhhhh hhhhheeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll noooooooooooo he didn’t! He thought he would never get caught, I’m sure! And threatening to have your blog shut down?? Sounds like a petulant child when his cookies get stolen, but in this case he was stealing ‘cookies’ on the sly.

    Fuck that guy. Holy shit I am so enraged at malekind for you. How bad do you want to slash some tires? 😉

    • Carmen

      Aw… My girl Esme. Yes, straight up got caught and didn’t expect that he ever would.

      See, my thing is that I was made out to look like the naive little kitten crossing the road.

      I figured he was running some kind of game so yes – I had really factored his ass in as being a cool dude to talk to because he was. The whole friend but “let me fuck you when I see you” was no surprise and while I certainly am not short on any local suitors, I WAS curious to see what he was working with.

      Bottom line- fuck buddy relationships are only cool when there is no drama.
      The trip was to have some dinner and hang out with some nookie in the mixed. But shit – he can say no expectations all day long, he sold himself as being a single man.

      I thought about doing some devious shit like posting him on Don’t Date Him Girl or posting his photo on here, but thought nah..

      A woman will get him back for me. Somehow, some way.

    • Tania

      Threatening to shut down the blog? Joke or not that is crazy. I wish he would because you want to talk about abuse of position power? Wow!

      Here’s the deal and I think Ginger broke it down pretty good – any woman who says their feelings were hurt or whatever and still think that Mr. Wonderful is still someone to chill with is an enabler. Men who do this type of crap keep doing it because they know how we are – we get mad, piss a bitch, ignore them for a little bit then everything is a okay again. Carmen did the same thing in a way so what does she do? Do the deleting and let him right back in to screw her over again. This tells this guy that no matter what he does, a woman will accept it. Or I should say most will. I just don’t get it and maybe because I’m in my forties, have absolutely zero patience. If we have to accept anything a man gives us, bullshit drama and all, we arent much ourselves.

  • Mimi

    I find it very interesting that since your post none of the ‘other women’ that may have read your blog have came back, so let me be the first.

    No, I didn’t comment before, I was waiting to see what happens. I will say this I’m still in contact with the Special Agent. Not sure why, but like you said he is a good dude and I enjoy the time we spend. While, I didn’t know directly about other women, I did know I was not the only one especially, since he never talked about a future with me, although I meet some family/friends.

    I guess like you that’s why I’m not outraged but more so hurt.

    • Carmen

      Hello Mimi and thanks for replying. Since I’m not sure if you are one of the two who commented before I posted this and are using a different name, or simply the third woman.

      Yes, yes – Special Agent is a cool dude, charismatic and easy to get along with for the most part. Of course, if you’re dealing with someone who hasn’t mentioned having a future with you- it should be a no brainer.

      My issue is that even if I’m one of many a man is dealing with, relationship and commitment with another woman while carrying on with me is not cool.

      I don’t like being dragged into messy situations like that and if you ARE the 16 year on again/off again woman, I don’t think I will ever understand your motivations.

      If you’re yet another of the “others”, I’m sorry for any hurt feelings as well.

      In any event, knowing the actual situation (or at least whichever version he has shared with you) may help you in some way. All that ask of anyone that I deal with (friend or lover) is that they respect me enough to be upfront. I’m a little too ‘seasoned’ to be receiving messages like “Are we dating the same man”.

      I’ll stop there but again, thanks for stopping by and sharing your thought.

      • Mimi

        No, I had not commented before. I was curious to see what the ‘other women’ and you would have to say about him.

        Yes, he is all those things and I don’t know if this is the sad part, but I’m still unsure if I will stop dealing with him. Although, it was a f*ck buddy/friend relationship, I was still hoping like you that it could turn into more.

        I will say your recent post of meeting a new man was helpful, I think I may need to get back out there myself.

      • Tania

        Same with you Carmen- you had the chance to leave him alone and while I don’t know what he did the first of x many times, you did. So he’s charming and fun to be around. That doesnt make him the last good catch on the planet but at the same time if he’s telling you something to make you think you might have a chance but just not right now, I can understand but we don’t know if that is the case. He reads the blog too right since he was asking specific questions. I wonder how he is reacting to all of this- giving himself a pat on the back for being able to explain things to those who think he’s fucking irresistable? Maybe changing up the strategy so he doesnt skip up again? It doesnt matter if two people are casual or booty call buddies or whatever. Stop the game playing and if youre not feeling someone, keep it pushing and stop hanging on using the just-a-friend excuse because youre only fooling yourselves.

    • Carmen

      Okay- went back and re-read the beginning of your reply where you stated you never commented previously. That clarifies you would be #4.

      Busy man…

    • Tania

      What were you waiting for Mimi? An interesting clue to link if you were agent’s bed the day before or the day after? Then you say you’re still in contact with the agent but you’re not sure why? I am really trying to understand what the draw is with him because no d*ck is THAT good. Forget the comments and what is on this woman’s blog if you alone can’t figure out why, thats an interesting situation. If you have strong feelings for someone that is a hard thing to shake but unless you have mutual friends that you both see a lot or work together, how do you force yourseld to deal with someone on a breach of trust? I’m probably assuming to much but you said you knew you werent the only one so this is not shocker to you and you were and probably are still willing to deal with agent because you think there is a raindbow after the storm. How does this work? You say I understand I am noit the only one but sure, lets still do the movies Saturday night. Or yeah, let’s hang out with the kids and roast marshmellows after your number one leaves.

  • Esme

    My only thought right now to Mimi is-good Lord I hope you are getting tested!

    And remember if he is lying to one women (or 4), he is lying to more. I don’t know you, but I sincerely hope you are worth better than SA.

    • 1_Silver Fox

      Hold up- how many are there and why was his bold enough to share your blog with them?

      Look, when I’m not in a relatiionship I get the single life. Really I do but damn, this dude was just slanging the d from place to place. Now it isnt so much that he was obviously sexing more than one, but filling them up with the same lies and game.

      This is beyond the life of a so called single man, but a predatory lover.

      • Carmen

        I’m not sure Silver how many, but I’ll bet I am the ONLY one who has no contact with him.

        After his last text to me “apologizing for his actions” I asked that he delete me.

        My wish was granted, thank goodness.

    • Carmen

      I hadn’t thought of that Esme and I guess I can’t assume that he was sexing all of us, I wouldn’t be surprised.

      The fiance’/girlfriend out of state definitely was, as she shared that she was a bed warmer just two days before I was. They DID bareback. I did NOT but still, the oral was done.

      Just nasty.

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