I can’t even front right now, I’m feeling pretty disgusted right now and for just a moment, was licking a wound or two. Okay, I get it – Special Agent was not a person who ever should have been a contender for dating so realizing that months ago, I made the awful mistake of agreeing to remain friends. This was all him, he reached out to me, he initiated most types of contacts with each other but damn his actions are just so foul. I’m disappointed and a little hurt that someone who professed to be such a stand up kind of man could be so dishonest. We agreed not to do the dating thing and while I was perfectly okay being friends, it was always him initiating the risque conversations about sex or fellatio so once again – we have a man telling a woman one thing, yet behaving the opposite of what he’s saying. Do you talk about fucking your friend? Not me.
It just isn’t right.
Just 24 hours ago, I was laying in a bed as well but it wasn’t mine and I certainly wasn’t staring at the screen of a laptop. What should have been an enjoyable evening in the city that I consider my home away from home, it ended with me wondering if I was too tired to get up, grab my things and make that 2 hour drive back home. SA and I were taking one of several breaks and chatted mainly; a little about music, a question about why I blogged the last post the day before coming down and more. Little did I know, he already knew that trouble was brewing and never let in on this, instead becoming annoyingly curious each time I picked up my cell phone. For the most part, I enjoyed being in his company until he began opening his mouth and inserting his foot. SA realized that it was best to bid each other good night and drift off to sleep after these three comments:
“You’re right, I really don’t know what I want” – Before any lecturing begins, it’s quite simple how this admission came about. I told SA about a conversation with someone earlier that day and that I told the person “He isn’t a bad guy, he just doesn’t know what he wants”. For him to admit this was certainly no shocker and can also be interpreted as him knowing what he does NOT want. It’s a shame he couldn’t have said this much sooner and it is sad that at the age of 38, he still does not know.
“What do you think about making this a regular thing?” – I think the look on my face was one of sheer horror when SA says this meaning, me making a trek down there and having multi-orgasmic sessions was something we should plan to do on a regular basis. Is he crazy? I was completely dumb founded and when I didn’t reply he remarked that probably wouldn’t work for me with all of the men and “situations” I was dealing with.
“Actually, I can’t say that either – anything regular wouldn’t work for me” – SA says that he has a few “situations” he has to deal with right now where he couldn’t commit to doing that.
What the hell is wrong with this picture? Once I picked my jaw up off the floor I finally responded and said “SA, I am on the highway going north and you’re going south. Meaning there is absolutely no confusion in my mind about what I want. You on the other hand, say you do not know which means there is nothing for us to talk about in terms of regularity. Nothing at all.” He ASSumed that I was dating and carrying on intimately with many men because that is what he is doing where he lives. The fact that I would not have to offer any explanations or even call up any men I deal with if I decided I’m going to work on dating one person, versus this genius telling me he wouldn’t be able to explain his busy status so easily was classic. So when he asks if I want to talk about it more, and to share what’s on my mind I simply said let’s leave it alone, told him goodnight and turned my back.
Perhaps it is just the way he sleeps or an early onset of sleep apnea, or maybe a guilty conscious (if he had one) prevented him from sleeping without being so restless, and maybe it was because I had a nagging sensation that something was awry, that I could barely sleep. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but after being jarred awake at 5am by his cell phone ringing, interrupting what little sleep I was able to get, I woke up thinking it’s time for me to go.
There are so many details I’m leaving out partly because I really don’t want to expend any more energy and mainly to preserve what will go in the book. Fast forward to us showering, getting dressed and him having to remind me that I had agreed to breakfast. Opting to drive my own car an just follow him to the restaurant, a quick phone call was made to one of my girlfriends to give her the recap of the night. That nagging feeling was still there afterwards and remained as SA and I ordered and ate breakfast. It was at this time that he joked once again that a few relatives, women he USED to deal with and friends read the blog, adding that some had been calling all day yesterday since my post to say “What are you doing tonight”, pleading that I at least change his name on the blog. I told him I wouldn’t change his name, but would modify a few other details and asked what he had to hide to be so concerned now. It’s been two years, what changed?
For some odd reason, SA looked unnerved and ready for something to happen. At any moment when I was quiet and staring out of the window, reflecting, he continued to ask what was on my mind. Finally, my patience with this questioning had worn thin and I asked what his problem was? He says I just don’t want you to post anything I don’t already know, adding that we’re good friends and should be able to talk about anything before he has to learn about something I wasn’t happy about from last night on the blog. What an odd thing for him to say so again, not knowing what is behind his paranoid behavior I DID agree to leave out any sordid details and that was it. After making a few idle threats about being able to shut my web site down, he conceded that he couldn’t ask anything further. Breakfast ends without incident but the mood is different and the air is a little thick, so I couldn’t wait for him to walk me to my car, give the obligatory hug and peck on the cheek and away I went.
No sooner than two minutes on the road and I was calling my girlfriend back to confirm what I had felt earlier. That although SA and I had agreed to remain friends, seeing each other when available and having no expectations beyond that, he was expecting a long distance booty call arrangement. No deal for me, so the plan was to simply get back home get some much needed sleep, update my blog and leave it at that. Instead, I made a detour to the dealer and while waiting for an oil change decided to finally check and approve the comments from yesterdays post.
The very first one was from a woman who left her cell phone number and asked that I please call her to find out if the post she’d stumbled on from yesterday was indeed about the same man she was involved with, the second from another woman who had found the first post about him from 2010. Damn. Shit. Damn. You have got to be kidding me!
I didn’t want to but I did, and over an hour later I found out so much about this man from a woman who has been involved with him off and on for over SIXTEEN years. I heard that the SAME day I was there he told her he was called away for a SPECIAL assignment, I learned that she was in a “committed” and “monogamous” relationship with him, that she was just there TWO days before I had visited and that he had just told his sisters during that visit that they were planning MARRIAGE. I grumbled when she told me about his live in GIRLFRIEND that he ended things with two months ago, something she learned from one of his sons and so much more. Soon, I felt as if my ears were being overloaded with bullshit but we then realized that the “busy working” excuse he so often used was just that, an excuse and cover up.
I finally asked her when he shared the blog with her and she says he didn’t; she was so perplexed at his behavior and how to deal with him once they had committed to making things work (for real this time), she Googled “how to date…” This woman told me that she called him out on this, at which point he told her I was nothing but a friend and that the blog about the birthday outing with the kids and Dad were all lies, embellished details from a writer. There went that feeling of bullshit overload again and I had heard enough but there was so much more, but I’ll spare the details. You never know who’s reading, right?
It’s past 11pm and this was much longer than I intended it to be and quite frankly, I’m drained. After I processed all of this earlier today, I sent a simple text so SA which said:
“Interesting…I understand you were on a special assignment last night. How interesting! Is that what you call blowing out my back and receiving award winning head is called? You’re shitty and should have just left me alone.” He sent an apology, said that wasn’t the full story and wished me “All the best” in the future. Next was “it was no expectations, say what you want”.
No asshole, I got the no expectations part because it was ME who said that would be the motto but that was with the understanding that you were single – not in a relationship. Makes a big difference.
It wasn’t funny, but I laughed. That’s all I can do about situations like this is just laugh to keep from going insane.
Men like him will meet a woman and make some comment about them being jaded or damaged goods if they are a little too inquisitive or suspicious, yet fail to realize that it was some dishonest man who made them that way. These men should be lucky that there are more sane women such as myself as opposed to the kinds you hear about on Snapped.
I’m just saying.
Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…