Online Dating,  Settling or Compromising?

Trying to Get Beyond Appearance

“My guy isn’t all that fine either but he captured my heart”. This is what one of my friends sent to me after reading my last post about Brooklyn’s Finest. The pseudonym alone was really a play on words because I never thought the man was fine; it was his words, the way he talked, the excitement and zest he has for life, the sincerity that poured from him about…his thoughts about me. He became the “finest” because he says and does everything a man should want to if he’s trying to seal the deal with a woman. So here it is Friday afternoon and I’m feeling weird, almost sad in a way. A text message sent over 4 hours ago that I was afraid to open until now is why.

I don’t think I can force myself to be attracted to him and a part of me feels like I need to try harder, but I can’t. In fact, my fingers are itching to send him a text message or even call and cancel next week’s meeting. Wasting someone’s time is not something I’m accustomed to doing, so agreeing to spend his time and money knowing I’ve been staring at photos trying to make my attraction wake the hell up just isn’t right. Especially considering our conversations and message exchanges this week.

Our first conversation was Monday; discussed everything from not wanting to have our upcoming birthdays alone to things that turn us off about online dating. We both were texting each other after talking harping about how great and refreshing it was to have talked. A few message exchanges later and Brooklyn’s Finest had said he thinks he’s found the one he’s been looking for in me. My reply? I’m too much of a realist to say or think something like that from one conversation and absent of any interaction in person.

By Tuesday, we had established a routine which began with the “Good morning, have a good one” text messages and a call or two throughout the day, capped with a call at night, a hang up, and a final text before going to bed. BF, a man who is very transparent with his feelings, told me he was so happy to have our paths cross, had already planned our second date and invited me to share his birthday at dinner in a few weeks. Me? I gushed that our chemistry seemed too good to be true and I admitted that because I’ve been here before, I was cautiously optimistic. He understood and said that was an excellent choice of words and agreed it was good to think that way. Still, at the end of the day he said he had absolutely NO doubts about me.

Wednesday while I was in class, BF sends me a text message saying “You are the one, I have canceled my dating profile. I have faith in you, in us and want no other distractions as I work on making you my lady”. Shit man. Really??? It took quite some time for me to reply and when I did, made sure it wasn’t with any hints of the panic I was feeling which in my eyes means he was doing way too much. “Oh wow, I love your enthusiasm and can’t wait to meet up” is the reply sent.

How do you go that extreme when the other person is not expressing the same sentiment? That going off line even normally happens during a discussion where the two people are saying they’re ready to do it.

It gets better…

Thursday, BF is telling me how he can’t wait to spoil me, and later sends me a text letting me know he would be at a conference until 9pm. In his words “Keeping his lady informed”.

I’ll admit, I have been feeling everything from excitement, to speculation, to concern. Is this guy for real? Does he really become enthralled with a woman this fast, so hard? Is he running game, telling me what I want to hear?

In addition to all of this static in my mind, my concern over the meeting began to grow even more. I still wasn’t able to look at any photographs of his and experience any rise in emotion or attraction; in nearly everyone viewed, he was “Hmm, okay” and a little too many I thought “Oh wow.. Hmm..”.

So there it is, I knew it from day one- this whole physical appearance thing was going to be a major problem. As another girlfriend who was sharing her little ray of hope with me, commenting how similar our two guys were in quickly trying to sweep us off our feet, I knew going in that the attraction wasn’t there. I’m not expecting every man I meet to be so fine that my panties get wet on demand like with Rescue or Good on Paper. He doesn’t have to exude that sex appeal that has me wanting to lick him from the top of his ear lobe to the tips of his fingers like Papi. But he DOES need to be someone I can look at and say that he is nice looking.

As I’ve posted in the last couple of times, I am really working on trying to get beyond the exterior but old habits and ways are hard to change. How long would it take you to teach a dog to stop shitting on the carpet if you didn’t do it until it was w0 years old? You catch my drift? This isn’t anything new and for you old timers, do you remember this post?

Now I just need to figure out (1) how to reply to this morning’s two head shots that I asked for twice yesterday, (2) if I am going to go through with this date next week that I’m sure he put some effort into, hoping I’ll see him in person and have a spark of SOMETHING and (3) if I just need to woman up and tell him how I feel.

I don’t think I can name very man men who were either ridiculously handsome, very attractive, very good looking, good looking or really cute who pulled out all stops like this who weren’t crazy. Most of the men who fall into this category often do just enough. Truly a blanket statement, my personal opinion but I dare any woman to tell me I’m completely off.

Damn. I need to take my mind off of this situation, so I just sealed the deal for a lunch date tomorrow. First conversation and this guy and I said we would rather cut to the chase; if we like what we see, we can spend the rest of our time getting to know each other.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

10 Comments

  • Melzie

    Hmmm…yeah, this is difficult.

    Honestly, I don’t think it’s fair or authentic to try to be attracted to someone you’re not. I also thinks he needs to pump the brakes. Assuming you’re that the feeling is mutual is a bit much. You’ll figure it out, but making the decision has to at least weigh the attributes that are most important to y-o-u. If not, the attraction…or lack of it…will always be on your mind.

  • Matt79

    Wow, I agree that he’s coming on pretty strong pretty fast. That’s probably not usually a good sign. However, I would say that it is still worth meeting up with him at least once, just in case you somehow find him more attractive in person than in his photos. I don’t think you’d be wasting his time – I think he’d at least want that chance after all of the time he’s already invested in messages, texts, calls and planning. But if you meet him and you’re still not attracted to him and you don’t think that feeling would grow somehow, then be (more or less) straight with him.

    Your second-to-last paragraph is sad but probably true I guess. People don’t necessarily try much harder than they need to. I think one of the tough things about modern dating, with all of the variety and options (rather than having to marry the only other person your age in the village or something), is that you probably get to experience everything you’d want in a person – the looks, the charm, the intelligence, the sincerity, the sanity – just not all in the same person. So then almost any partner can feel like you’re settling in some way. Then the choice becomes which of the “perfect partner” attributes you can go without. Although maybe someone out there has a decent score in each category without having a really high score in any. Seems like you’ve met more of the extremes recently.

    • Carmen

      I hear you Matt, and since he’s done the planning for the outing I feel compelled to go.

      I’m hoping you’re right about the “may look better in person” statement. Again, if only two out of 25 or so photos are iffy, the likelihood of the actual in person look being remarkable different is pretty slim. The odds aren’t in his favor now.

      Yes, the part about some not trying so hard is sad but true. Those who are exceedingly good looking are used to those of the opposite sex flocking to them; they can just wait for things to come their way and are normally being given more and treated better just because of their attractiveness.

      I’m not looking for the perfect man because I know he does not exist.

      I will take someone I’m physically attracted to; the one who makes me want to hug him or give him that quick “just because” peck, that man who makes me want to put on my heels and red lipstick and dance for him with nothing else on. If lose something in return such as him farting in his sleep, okay. It’s all about what you will accept and any trade offs.

      The man who makes me get butterflies whenever I see him doesn’t have to be a Boris Kodjoe or Jonathan Myers Reece (Reece Myers, whatever- that hottie from The Tudors), but appealing to me.

      Overall, Brooklyn’s Finest just makes me a little leery, he’s doing and saying way too much and isn’t paying attention to realize the feeling isn’t reciprocal.

  • Jessie

    Been there, tried that and I ended up cheating. Carmen youre not a bad person if you don’t feel a physical connection but maybe this guy takes terrible pics. Do you Skype? That is a good way to find out what you are working with before d-day.

  • Esme

    Looks matter, plain and simple. anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.

    Different people find different things attractive. And it could just be that you two are not a looks match. Nothin wrong with that. You want the butterflies when you look at your partner.

    I do wonder, however, if his attitude and almost-sudden neediness is affecting your judgement on his looks?

    • Carmen

      Good question Esme; at first I was just enjoying the moments from a man who is obviously really interested in me, but it has gotten to the point of being overkill.

      Looks DO matter and as I was telling someone yesterday, at times I have my moments (okay, some a little too often) where my inner freak comes out. The man that I’m involved with has to be attractive to me, and the more he is, the more engaging I am with him and the freakier I become.

      Since the “deleted my profile” and “I’ve told my brother I’ve found a really good one”, followed by “Keeping my woman informed” where about texts, I’ve become a little turned off. Adding the fact that in my eyes, he isn’t really doing anything for me, makes me wonder why I shouldn’t just let him know.

      Sigh.

        • Carmen

          I know- I just don’t want to be mean. I’m thinking the “life is too busy” is the approach I’ll use because I have to cancel tomorrow’s date. OR I could be up front and say “Dude, you freaked me the hell out coming on way too strong”.

  • Anonymous

    I would imagine this is why we have gone from the days of “Seeking hot chick” and holding your breath hoping you get the chick and not the mop in your image above to the days of profiles and photos online.

    I don’t blame you, everyone is wired differently and I won’t even respond to a message (ino matter how its worded) unless the woman seems like she can make my groin tingle.

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