Online Dating,  Settling or Compromising?,  THIS is Why I'm Single!

One to Grow On

 

It’s a new day and my mind is doing far too much thinking about this dating situation with the latest candidate who I’m still hoping doesn’t end up becoming one of the hangovers.  God knows there have been too many in a span of about five months, so while a lot of those good old feelings about a man that have been lying dormant have returned, there’s also a familiar feeling that isn’t so good.  The dreaded feeling that my hopes for a positive outcome to my dating bliss thus far with Balance will soon begin to sour.

I mentioned last week that Balance was an older man – he’s knocking on the doors of AARP membership, but thankfully doesn’t look his age nor is he showing me any of those stuffy and cantankerous ways some men close to fifty have developed.  We have many things in common from the type of outings, movies, music, goals and aspirations especially the big ticket items – the desire to be married and have more another child.  It’s funny how the last item (children) has turned into a bit of a negotiation since I told him I didn’t think I had it in me for more than one, but once he told me I wouldn’t have to work, his request for two more seems a little more conceivable.  Intellectually, we fit perfectly like a hand and glove but the best part that I like about him is his sense of humor and uncanny ability to pick up on certain things most men would not.

For an older man, he doesn’t really have that much baggage;  Balance has one teenage daughter and has never been married.  He lives alone which in my opinion, shouldn’t even be included as positive factors when describing someone since I feel anyone over the age of 30 shouldn’t even haved the word roomate in their vocabulary.  We share similar values on how kids should be raised, as well as the preferred roles of the man and woman in a household and even agreed that both should maintain a social calendar with friends, but within reason.  Of course the subject of intimacy has come up, so the opportunity to learn the preferences and any dislikes or boundaries of the other has been shared.  Things that have caused problems in each of our previous relationships and deal breakers have been talked about as well, so in all totality, both Balance and I have covered so much ground in the first two weeks of knowing each other that most people haven’t even scratched the surface of after a several months in a relationship.

I named this one Balance for a reason because he truly appears to be a good fit for me…

Doesn’t there always seem to be “they’re okay but”?  In this instance, it’s a doosie and something that I have been struggling with – no forcing myself to reckon with.  I’m not attracted to him.

When Balanced first messaged me there were two no’s that popped in my mind.  The first was his age and the second was his photo, so he hadn’t received a reply from me until the second day which happened to be right after the conversation with my girlfriend about dating older men.  I responded back to him and the next message Balance had sent included a few generic questions, but he also says “Are you sure you can date a light-skinned man?  LOL”.  If you’re reading this and are not black or familiar with the sad state of color preference we are plagued with, this question probably makes no sense to you.  Although I immediately thought to myself that he’s right, with his complexion lighter than I would prefer, that reminder of “my type preference” popped in my head but was quickly snuffed out.  Perhaps I was giving his photos the benefit of the doubt since they weren’t the best quality and the cover shot looked a little dated, but even taking this into consideration, there wasn’t anything about Balance’s look that did it for me.  Don’t get me wrong – he is NOT a bad looking guy and is actually cute in his own way… not the kind of cute that makes me want to hug, kiss or fantasize about doing anything else with him.

Tragic, isn’t it?  This type of feeling is exactly what I knew would happen if I’d gone through with meeting Brooklyn’s Finest and continuing communication with him.  The physical attraction would be lacking, and Balance has already called me out on this twice starting with our first actual date Friday night.  Everything went well and we had a nice time, but at the end he asked what I thought of him commenting that he could feel something was amiss.  My reply was feigned innocence, adding that I wasn’t talking or behaving any differently while we were together than how I was over the phone.  While he agreed this was the case, he just said that he could tell that the feelings were mutual, sharing how much he really, really liked me and wanted to progress to the next level.  Wanting to see me every opportunity possible, spending quality time while developing a relationship, and laying next to me with his nose in my hair is what he wants so he was asking what the deal was to find out where he stands. 

Damn.  As I’m trying to mentally rehearse what I could be saying or doing that makes him think and feel this way versus the reality that the man is highly perceptive, I provided an honest reply.  I told Balance the same thing he heard from me after our initial meet-up which was my interest in him and that I liked him, but that “There aren’t any fireworks, animal attraction or feelings where I just want to gobble you up”.   He took it for what it was and we left that conversation alone.  Until the next day…

If only there was more time for me to give a full play-by-play account of how Saturday night’s dinner date went, but here’s the gist of it:  this prelude to a relationship may be coming to an end and very soon.  While we were finishing up our meal, Balance smiled and says:

I know what it is Carmen; I just don’t do it for you.  I can tell that you like me and enjoy talking to me and being around me, but the bottom line is that I’m not your type.  I know the light-skinned dudes went out with the era of Al B. Sure and El deBarge, so while there isn’t anything you’re saying or doing differently, I can tell.  I guess its just some type of innate sense from being in sales or something.  Do you remember what I told you my number one fear in life was?  If you don’t, I told you my greatest fear was being with and marrying a woman and making her absolutely miserable and that would be you because I’m not your type.   So I already know what would happen here; you would learn to love me because of all of the good qualities and ways about me, but you would eventually cheat on me.  Trying to be with someone and hoping that you grow on them is a recipe for disaster.

As my jaw was being hoisted from the floor based on sheer shock, I just laughed and admitted that he was right.  Not necessarily about the cheating part because my manta has always been leave-before-cheating, but that he correct in saying that I was so interested in him as a person and enjoyed the plentiful qualities that he possessed, that I WAS hoping he would grow on me.  Funny thing is that my friend Tally Girl and MeSoSingle had just told me the same thing, encouraging me to continue going out with him in hopes that the physical attraction would somehow grow like a flower out of the concrete. 

I can’t help it, really I can’t.  If only that thing inside me of some people who can set aside physical appearances and still be just as happy would wake up.  When this man is asking me what my type is, as much as I try denying that there’s a certain look that a man has that DOES it for me.  It’s like me looking at the man in front of me who looks like this:

 

Knowing I’m salivating over the ones who  can grow a thick mustache and goatee which adds a certain sexyness and character looking like this:

After everything was said and done (while I’m accepting the fact that an older man is more experienced and much more perceptive about so many things and situations), I tried restoring some hope into Balance’s mind and our situation by saying “I want to continue dealing with you because I have heard that people have found the greatest loves of their lives, even though the physical attraction was missing initially….”  His reply?  He doesn’t want me to like him because I feel I have to, and feels he would be a fool hoping that my body would eventually catch up with my mind and want him as a whole, the same way he wants me.

Naturally, this last statement from him made me ask “At what point do you say to hell with her and just move on, versus hoping that the level of attraction changes?” What was his response?  Let me just say that the tables turned for me to be perceptive, with the ability to decode and dissect the answer that spewed from his lips.  This is definitely an interesting situation, but the openness and ability for this man to communicate so well is a godsend.

More to come because I’m still on that hunt for the cure to my dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

 

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

8 Comments

  • Melzie

    There’s a great deal of value having an older, mature man in your life. If things don’t work romantically, there may be a great friendship beneath the layers 🙂

    • Carmen

      Ah Mel… If only this could have been the case, but Balance screwed the friendship possibility up.

      I don’t think I have ever encountered a man (older at that) who was so gung ho about (1) wanting more children and (2) wanting to find the right woman to marry. These are things that most women obsess over.

      We tried the friends thing, and as I predicted, I was not going to like his “phasing out” process.

      One he realized there was NOTHING there in the way of a spark, the covers were snatched up and I think his real persona was revealed.

      Damn, damn, damn (in my best Florida Evans voice).

  • Jessie

    Goodness, it sounds as if you have quite the thinker here. I’m sure with this hangover’s age (sorry girlfriend, he is), lots of experience with disappointments comes as well.

    I never thought about the man or woman “not doing it” as a specific reason for cheating but it makes sense. Most men stray because of the beauty or fantasy and women because they seem some hot and tempting hunk.

    Sit back and see what happens because he may stick around.

    • Carmen

      Yes Jessie, a thinker he was and yes- you were right because he is a hangover.

      I agree with the attraction factor being a possible reason for cheating. Isn’t that what most men will say? That they were drawn to another woman because she “did it for him” or had some crazy sex appeal?

  • 1_Silver Fox

    Hmm, with the cheating you just tapped on a nerve there. You see, some people can’t really give a specific reason why they would be unfaithful to the man or woman who has given them the world often times because they’ll say “I don’t know”.

    Attraction plays a big part, that I can understand. I guess you’ll know really soon if this guy is willing to be on stand-by for your undivided interest and attention.

    • Carmen

      Sorry Silver, I hope your nerves have recovered. Like I stated somewhere before, I can always appreciate the honesty and frankness of a person in these types of situations.

      Now I could have played the part and told Balance how much I was really digging him. It would be a lie based purely on selfish intentions and motivations and we would have been together uhappily ever after.

      That is unless he really DID grow on me.

    • Carmen

      Hey there missy! It’s good hearing from you but sadly, there is no longer the hopes for a friendship.

      Good luck to you on your new blogging adventure, and may you have nothing but pleasant relationship stories. 🙂

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