Relationship 101,  THIS is Why I'm Single!

Party of Three

Someone asked me this morning if there was still Hope or if things had returned to a hopeless state.  My reply was that things were so-so which means I’m pretty much winging it at this point.  The last update on him was after the detailed conversation had about dislikes, ways and preferences which left me feeling a little better knowing the type of person I was dealing with.  Accepting that although we happened to have spent more time together in a matter of a week than most people do in a relationship the first couple of weeks, we realized that did not negate the fact that there was so much more to learn about one another.  Yet with the understanding that Hope was just one of those men who marched to the beat of his own drum, when we went out for our post-dinner stroll along Shoreline Village, something changed in my mind during a key discussion about the difference in dating vs  seeing someone.

Shame on me, shame, shame shame.  Either it’s been a really long time since I’ve heard someone describe the time spent with another as “seeing them”, but it didn’t click until the end of the night. Hope explained that seeing meant there could be any number of men or women a person can be dealing with, but the term dating doesn’t apply until you’ve agreed to just “see” each other which would include the cancellation of dating accounts etc, all in the interest of working towards a relationship.  So again, shame on me because all of this time I was trying to “date” him based on the sheer amount of time he was consuming, while he was “seeing” me and still feeling me out.  Is this a matter of semantics or is there really that big of a difference?  I’m confused, but later for that and now on to the date/meeting/seeing/sighting.

Hope has finally earned enough trust allowing us to bypass the “meet ups” and was on his way to pick me up for dinner, and while waiting I began to wonder if our conversation about him missing in action for several days is not okay if he’s trying to get to know me.  When you’re hopeful for a situation, you don’t want anything to interfere with progress being made and certainly will not welcome any awkward moments or a change in the vibe if a person really isn’t okay with any prior discussions.

Fortunately, that wasn’t the case because when he walked through my door and said hello, before lifting me up in the air then planting a full-mouth kiss, I could tell things were okay.  Strong physical attraction can sometimes be a bad thing since it often clouds your thoughts with lust and desires causing distractions from obvious things you should be paying attention to, but man, it always feels so good to be wanted.  Hope’s body language and that look (you know the look) was exactly what it should have been.  So after a brief chat, is casual tour around the house surveying the lay of the land, family wall of photos and of course, the bedroom he someday wishes he’ll enjoy, we were off to dinner.

Even though the hostess and food was pretty crappy, the night was progressing along quite well and at some point we got on the topic of the dating site.  We have two people who claim they’re all about being upfront and direct, so when he said he was online cleaning things up a bit and removing photos in preparation to get off, this was the perfect transition into the activity of each other.  Hope asked me if there were a lot of men that I was dealing with from _______.com and I replied honestly that there are some I’ve been conversing with but admitted there weren’t any who were really holding my interest.  Naturally, I turned the question right back to him but still have that bittersweet taste when thinking about his reply.  He said “There are actually two women and you’re one of them.”

Mixed feelings on this one because as much as I like knowing that there isn’t a slew of women that he’s dealing with, to know that he’s narrowed it down to just made me think of more questions I wanted to ask or things I wondered about.  How long have you known this other woman?  Did you meet her online as well?  What is the differentiating factor between the two of us?  You’ve already narrowed your selections down to two women and you’ve only known me two weeks now?  What does she have on me and of course the bigger question – are you tonguing her down, feeling her up and sending her off with saturated underwear just as you are with me?

Don’t worry, I didn’t ask any of the above but I did ask if this opponent of mine was the real reason for his actions the previous week and he said no; what he explained about the hectic events at work were just that.  Okay, I thought to myself – at least he’s being up front and had the shoe been on the other foot, I can only hope that I wouldn’t have underscored any real contenders that he was up against and that’s when it hit me.  In a way, sometimes knowing the truth isn’t necessarily a good feeling especially when there is something missing here.

Hope is telling me that he has two women that he is seeing, and just as I stated earlier I’ll smack myself on the hand for not realizing in the eyes of some, there’s a difference between this and dating someone.  The reality is that out after meeting and going out with a man the first two or three times, let the record show that they have already spoken the words that I have YET to hear from Hope.  “I’m interested in you Carmen and am looking forward to knowing you better to see where things may go” or “I’m definitely interested in a relationship and want to move things to the next level”.

He has not mentioned anything of the sort, so I think it’s very clear what I’m dealing with here – a man who has no intentions of pursuing anything with me and in fact, it is highly likely that I am something to do with a cool person in his free time.  As such, these thoughts and others became the contributing factors for how my feelings became stifled and wanting to pursue anything further turned into nothingness.  Interestingly enough, while I’m having my private decision party in my head, Hope made a comment at the end of our discussion on how people handle relationships when things go bad.  He suddenly blurts out “Yeah, it’s a lot to deal with but I do miss being in a relationship” to which I replied “Yep, I hear you.  It’s a lot of work”.    That’s it.  No delusional speculation if that was some type of subliminal message or anything because again – he’s not expressed that type of interest.  Indeed, it is far too soon for action but it may not be too soon to broach the topic.

At the end of the day, it is what it is.  The same friend who asked if Hope was back to hopeless said I should cut my losses and move on, but this is also the same friend who continued to deal with a man whose own child alluded to there being another woman while he was with her.  It took her a while to see the light, but in the end she had to make her own decision on how to handle the situation.

I’ll be honest,  there’s a part of me that figured he was after some quick booty but I’m not so sure that he is.  Surely he would have made a pass by now and he hasn’t; Hope has only told me repeatedly that he couldn’t wait for a face-to-face interaction of sorts, promising not to disappoint.  But damn, what will my decision be on how to deal with this man?  This person I am “seeing” is easy-going, laid back, physically attractive, affectionate and hasn’t spared any expense when we’ve been together.  There isn’t anything he’s done to make me want to delete or worse – program him as a “Do Not Answer” altogether and he appears to be on the up and up with me.  Why not continue dealing with him until someone says when.

All I know is that for now, I choose to handle things as they come.  Once we finally made it to my place that night, kicked off our shoes and relaxed to the smooth sounds of my playlist titled “September Mood”, out came the alter egos and that was when the fun really began.   At some point the conversation came to a quiet lull, pillows were thrown to the floor and we were suddenly sitting a lot closer to each other.  Laughter and words soon turned into muffled sounds through the series of breathless kisses, and the next thing I know is Hope was on his knees facing me.  I’m smiling as I think about how amazingly agile he is even with his height and size, so I guess that is where the Tae-Kwon-Do comes in.  Moving my legs effortlessly, suddenly sliding the Vickie’s out of the way and then glancing at me with an insanely intense look of hunger in those beautiful hazel eyes was simply amazing.   He started licking his lips so to me, meant he was ready to eat, so what’s a girl to do?  Quite naturally, I let him eat.  And eat, and eat and eat until he licked the plate completely clean before telling me he was ready for seconds.

Unless there is a reason to eliminate a person from your life because of disrespectful, mean, or hurtful behavior why would you if they can bring you this type of pleasure.

Shit, mama didn’t raise no fool.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

6 Comments

  • Kendall

    If I know you like I think I do, you’ll get tired of the situation kf it isn’t leading to what yoh want and move on soonw enough. Like Melzie said, live!

  • Matt79

    If I’m understanding correctly, you’re basically saying that this guy has not yet agreed to be exclusive with you. I get the impression that it’s quite common these days for people to spend several weeks seeing someone before deciding whether they want that one to be the only one. If you were thinking of bringing in a rule that you’ll dump anyone who doesn’t promise you exclusivity within two or three weeks then you might be writing off a number of promising possibilities. It’s your choice, of course, but I must admit I’m glad that so far you’re choosing to see where things might go with him.

    • Carmen

      You’re correct Matt, for some people it may be several weeks before the topic of “where are we going” comes up. I guess my experience has always been the former and as I stated, in some instances, after the first couple of dates.

      It isnt rocket science- there are people who are eeady to settle down and those who aren’t and then you have those who don’t know what they want.

      My thinking is there’s no harm stating your final destination even if the person you’re saying this too isn’t necessarily your travel mate.

      Am I deleting/eliminating men who aren’t saying anything alluding to relationship intentions after a reasonable amount of time? Yes and no

      If a lot of my time and energy is being invested, my patience will run thin at some point.

      Again, I typically learn from a man pretty early in the game what he’s thinking of being to me so far.

      Time will tell with this one but my gut is leading towards this being about a casual hang out deal with Hope.

  • 1_1_Silver Fox

    Carmen, remember that although as you mentioned you two have crammed a lot of in person sightings in a short period of time, it has still BEEN a short period of time.

    Some men can meet a woman and in no time, we just know she is what we want. More often we aren’t quite sure or simply want to make certain all options have been explored.

    Now if this starts getting into months, you will know ole boy just isn’t interested like that.

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