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A Tale of Two Men

exbf

Out of Sight is starting to seem like he is really going to be OUT of SIGHT, and the more I think about this situation with him (that should really be thought of as nothing more than a friend) I’ve been getting to know), the more annoyed and disappointed I’m feeling.

There’s no denying how interested I am in him to the point of wanting to make sure his impressions of me match whatever he’s hoping I will be in person from tons of photographs and countless photographs, yet the reality of this situation has come full circle forcing me to realize two things – one being the obvious, he still isn’t here in California and from the sounds of things, that might be a ways off it at all and second is that I’m seeing this situation as being eerily similar to my ex-boyfriend, one of the worst hangovers- Rescue.

How wrong of me is it to compare two men, but we all do it in some way, shape or form but this only came to mind because of the circumstances and reasons these two men chose to relocate back to this area.  I’m over having to deal with men as they make these major transitions in life, so over it and here’s what I mean when looking at the two:

The Tale of Rescue

Originally from the Los Angeles area, grew weary of the rat race in California and “plans” to change his direction in life.  Leaving his son and a somewhat dysfunctional family behind, Rescue figures a move to Virginia followed by marriage to a woman (in his words) didn’t really want to be married seemed like the ticket.  It doesn’t take long for him to realize that you really can’t turn a whore into a housewife, and he also finds that the slow-pace wasn’t all that it’s cracked up to be.

Unhappy relationship, boring surroundings with the country folks along with an overall misdirection in life was the best recipe for disaster.  The result? Rescue starts making plans to get back, becomes active on Facebook again and reaching out to old friends putting the word out that he’s making “plans” to get back.  What’s so funny about the word plans if that looking back I can see that he never really had a plan;instead was probably figuring his good lucks, charm, and previous experience would get him right back to where he needed to be.

I guess he didn’t consider the fact that he was relocating back to a state that really wasn’t in the best position for much of anything such as housing and most certainly, not employment with a nice chunk of the population being out of work.   So here was a man that was in transition and for some stupid reason, he felt he was in a good position to reach out to a woman who pretty much had it together and become involved in a relationship. Lucky me – I was able to experience all of the bumps and curves in the road right along with him and in the end, resented him for involving me in his life at a time when he needed to work on himself and get re-acclimated to things, while chastising myself for even accepting him.

The Tale of Out of Sight

Originally from the Los Angeles area grew weary of the rat race in California and “plans” to change his direction in life at a young age.  He gets married, moves outside the state and starts a family and as time progresses – realizes that he and the woman he loved were two very different people.  Divorce, several relationships and a slew of in between situations later, Out of Sight figures he’s had enough of the boring life in the mid-west and misses life in California.

He starts making plans to get back, becomes active on a dating site expressing his plans of being back in the land of sunshine and opportunity within a few months and so enters Carmen.Within the first few message exchanges and conversations, he’s sharing that things are pretty much set in motion for the move back here and all the while I’m asking him why?

Why leave your job, beautiful home, lower cost of living, daughter and parents and other family?  Out of Sight’s response was that he was ready for a change, and had grown tired of the lifestyle where he had been for the last ten plus years.  He said that the opportunities for professional growth were that much greater than where he was currently, namely the potential for making money.

Bottom line – he was unhappy being there and while vowing to continue being the same great father he’s been all the time to his child, acknowledged my comment when I said he was turning his ex-wife into a single mother because of his wants.   Damn, that’s pretty deep now that I read that last part again and I’m not sure how I feel about it though so many men do it all of the time.The problem with Out of Sight is with the job situation, which is turning into more of a haggle than a negotiation over finite details and of course, the money.

So as I’m speaking with him yesterday and again before going to bed last night, I said “It sounds like you may be losing more than you may be gaining by making this move.”

He silently agreed and said three things:The first was that he would keep working with this new job to get things right, the second was that if things didn’t work out here he could always go back and the third was if it turned out that the move couldn’t happen, he would be courteous enough to tell me in person versus a telephone call.

Here we go again… another man who has come into my life while he is in transition and I’m not feeling it.  The main difference between Rescue and Out of Sight would be the obvious – Rescue still had dirty laundry (wasn’t divorced) and didn’t have anything other than a few worthless contacts lined up, but they’re so similar at the same time.In transition.

Why not work on you, get your move out of the way and get settled into your new home THEN try online dating or connecting with someone from your past? I just don’t get these men and since I would like to think that I’m someone who has learned from past experiences, Out of Sight’s questionable situation has to be dealt with by me.

Not only has the anticipation for meeting him been off the chain, the anticipation of things working out so that he isn’t considered a flight risk if I could possibly want more than friendship is frightening.So the resolution is this – it is time to fall back and do it quickly.

Release the anticipation and expectations, stop analyzing HIS situation, stop offering advice on HIS situation hoping that everything works so the benefit is him being closer to me and whatever will be will be.

Damn, I’m so sick of this and men and women really need to get their life situated before getting online even if they claim they’re just looking for friendship; it’s so unfair to the other person they’re getting involved in their lives that are in transition.

Agreed?

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…
Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

Hangover - a let down following great excitement or excess. Wow. This one sentence describes nearly all of my dating and relationship experiences! I'm a 30 year-old woman muddling through the Los Angeles dating scene and yes - Believe all that you've heard about the screwed up men and women in La-La Land. This blog is of my actual experiences that will either make you chuckle, laugh out loud or maybe say "aw.....". If your dating hangovers seem worse than the next person's, read on, post a comment and enjoy! Carmen

6 Comments

  • Kendall

    No matter how you try to dress this up, you’re wrong for the comparison. It sounds like your first guy was running away and this dude is just focused.

    It sounds like you are just trying to put up your barriers because of the past experience and while I feel that some people might not have the perfect situation when making major life changes, there’s nothing wrong with getting new friendships or relationships started.

    Roll with it and see how things play out.

    • Carmen

      Kendall, I feel like you’re shaking a finger at me but get over it- we all do some type of comparison.

      How else would we be able to identify what we took away from our past relationships thay was good or bad.

  • Name

    I agree, handle your personal business whether its work or family before trying to meet someone new. There’s no perefect situation, but you can at least eliminate some of the drama that normally comes with relationships anyway.

    • Carmen

      Of course there’s nothing perfect, but it helps if there’s less to deal with.

      As I stated in my last comment, some people don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a lot going on in life and dragging in someone new.

      Patience is a must if dealing with these types, that’s for sure.

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