Online Dating, Red Flags

Return to Sender?

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The man I have been getting to know while he planned a major life changing move back to Southern California has arrived and he made sure I was on the list of things to do the same day his plane touched down.  Sunday afternoon seemed to make all of the waiting and anticipation worth it, and thankfully that same chemistry and good-feeling vibes experienced over the telephone these last couple of months seemed worth it.

After over 10-years of being gone, being married and starting a family in the mid-west, Out of Sight is a resident once again. Yet just like that item  you recently purchased where you’re not so sure it is what you wanted or will work out, you make sure that packaging and receipt isn’t thrown away in case it needs to be returned.  This is exactly how I’m feeling about him and while these thoughts may not be new my concerns about him giving up so much more to move than, last night’s conversation renewed these thoughts and confirmed my reasoning for having them.

Out of Sight is a flight risk.

Sadly, I went to bed with thoughts of disappointment and  woke up this morning thinking the same thing, then began asking myself if I should just stop so much of the interaction now, cut my losses and spare my feelings or stop over-thinking and not deviate from my behaviors and just relax.  Last night’s conversation that started with me asking “How was your first full working day?” and his long-winded bitch fest is what has me doing a 360 degree turnaround and just as I was annoyed hearing him say if things got too bad and didn’t work out, he could always go back home BEFORE he moved here, I sure as hell don’t like hearing it AFTER he moved.

I can certainly understand the dynamics of this type of situation – major move, new location you haven’t lived in since your early 20’s, uncertainty and making sure everything back home continues to be taken care of.  I get all of the trepidation, really I do.  I understand his frustration that the home of the relative he’s staying with wasn’t prepared the way they told him it would be, and how there’s nothing like having your own space. Out of Sight isn’t happy with the living arrangements and has been on a non-stop mission to find his own place to live immediately, especially now that he’s been familiarizing himself with the areas near his job.  This brings me to his next issue – the job.  It’s only been three days but so far, he’s not feeling it at all.

The negotiated pay he was told was finalized has not been finalized and the operations of the organization seem poorly managed. Can you say unhappy, frustrated, skeptical, scared, regretful and reluctant in the same sentence? If the main driver for making the move here was based on the potential of a rewarding career and a very good salary doesn’t seem to be panning out and you have no other motivations (aside from maybe the fast-paced lifestyle and a climate no like other) or incentives such as a home of your own, children or family to stay, why would you stay?

I totally get where’s he’s coming from and while it’s still too early to say how this will all pan out, I can only reinforce my feelings all along that he may have been a little too hasty in making the move without thinking or planning in greater detail. Hence my thoughts about him being a flight risk, so here’s what I’m going to do – back off.  Way off. I’ve been through the man-in-transition game before with Rescue and that experience was pretty rough.  These men need to work out their issues and readjustments to new situations because at the end of the day, these are THEIR issues.

It just seems that I can’t catch a break, there’s always something and while this isn’t even a dating hangover in the sense that we’ve not had enough face time to be considered as dating, it is situations like this that keep me where I am. Having to explain far too often why I’m single.As cliché as it may be, I’ll keep rolling with the mantra of waiting to see what happens and in the meantime, I think the friend category will suit me just fine instead and I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong for thinking this way.  Double dog dare you.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering about the potential back-up plan with Island Boy?  I haven’t heard from him since Friday night when I shut-down his booty call hour request to come over to my place.  That wasn’t the first time he tried inviting himself over, but you have to know that a “Can I come and see you?” text at 11:30pm isn’t a plan to bake some chocolate chip cookies.  Uh…. Next!

So there you have it, my dating hangovers.  Men are really like a brand new pair of shoes ordered from the Internet that you haven’t tried on.  The packaging and receipts sure as hell better be put in a safe place because you never know if you have to return them to the sender.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

6 thoughts on “Return to Sender?

  1. I think you have valid reason for being concerned, but think of it this way- the man is probably scared and nervous making saying what he’s saying cos it is a major change. Not to get all preachy on you but, how about “sticking to” the role of being a supportive friend?

    1. Okay Mark, I hear you and you’re not being preachy at all. Supportive friend- I can handle that. Romantic interest may need to be left out of the equation. He’s not ready nor can he handle trying to build something out of a friendship.

  2. What do your instincts tell you? Do you know enough about him to know if he’s a ride or dye type person or fold them and bail? I have been in enough situations where it always seemed like I was on the back burner waiting for men to get it together and figure out what they wanted. You’re not on a relationship so I don’t see why you’re worried but it also makes sense if you can see yourself with him. No one wants to play the fool. Go for what feels right and work on plan b, c, d, e…

    1. Shenelle, my instincts told me this was a good situation to be in, a promising prospect.

      It’s difficult not to dredge up bad memories from past relationships, but this one? Strikingly similar to the last man I was involvrd with. The only difference here? We’re not even out of the honeymoon period yet, nor have we made it to any level of exclusivity.

      We shall see what happens next.

      Thanks 🙂

  3. You seem like a smart cookie trying to avoid disappointment and hurt feelings, so I agree- wait it out and try not to get too attached. Easier said than done for sure, but there’s a reason for everything.

    1. Sincerely, I’m just so tired of these ups and downs with dating, really tired.

      What is happening is an example of why I shouldn’t stray very far from what type of man I want to deal with. You’re right, everything does happen for a reason but do we really have to wait amd subject ourselves to what we can already see coming? I think not.

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