Red Flags, Settling or Compromising?

A Few Pounds Too Much

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It’s always hard to let someone know there’s something major missing in the likeness department when they are really nice, because no one wants to get their feelings hurt for I’ve been trying to decide how to handle this situation with Showtime.  There hasn’t been much shared about him here since our initial meet-up and the planning of our first date but we’ve actually seen each other several times since.

There always seems to be some issue when it comes to dating, right?

For me, it’s either been the player who wants to have his cake and eat it, me and three other women too, the life changer with no job/car/place of their own or the workaholic and fortunately, only about three or four instances where physical attraction was the issue.

I’ve been enjoying getting to know Showtime, though in my mind had silently been trying to convince myself that so many things about him were doable and not necessarily deal-breakers such as the baggage (divorced with 4 children including one in college, a teenage diva headache in training and one with special needs), the distance (lives about 35 miles away), and the non-option of more kids (thanks to his snipped vas deferens).

I realized that there is no perfect situation a long time ago, but there’s always a but and I mean literally his butt and just about everything else from the neck down. I can’t even downplay the magnitude of this situation because Showtime is LARGE and is probably about 50lbs overweight.  The man is nice looking in the face and has one of those pear shapes that accentuate the stomach in all the wrong ways, and strangely enough it isn’t the top part of his body that seems to gross me out.   I’m nowhere near rocking P90X abs myself but it’s the lower part that stopped me in my tracks especially when I got a glance when walking behind him – his butt, hips and thighs are out of control!!!

Making matters even worse on the scale of unattractiveness is that he is short and in my mind and quite a few other people as well, think I could be a little more accepting of a person I’m seeing being overweight if they’re taller because it just seems to lay a little differently and clothing can be a little more forgiving if the limbs are longer to be somewhat more flattering.   Did he lie about his height on his profile? Nope, not at all- his dating specs stated he was 5’7 (which in online terms really means he’s only about 5’6 or 5’5) but once again here I was trying to step outside of the box, setting height aside. Why?  Well, a part of it is because it seems like all of the men who have to work a little harder because of their physical deficiencies are a lot more appreciative of finding a good woman and focus more on making her happy.

Forget the “it’s not all about looks” people out there because I was trying, seriously.  Short stature, huge body and ill-fitting clothing on a man just doesn’t do it for me and when I think of him I start wondering things.  Does he try to work out or eat better?  How high is his cholesterol?   Will he ever want to do a canyong hike together?  Is this the biggest he’s ever been OR if this is down a couple of pounds from something bigger?

The ultimate test of me having some type of physical attraction to a man is the desire and willingness to kiss him which is a huge turn on and after five dates, two quick “courtesy” pecks on the lips is all he’s had. Guilt is beginning to takeover me because I don’t want to string him along or continue to waste his time, so each time the conversation of when we’re getting together again has come up in the last week, I always seem to have something going on for the date he has suggested.  I really wish there was a way to tell him the main reason (though the ones listed above are certainly valid) things don’t look promising, but is there such a thing as not hurting someone’s feelings?  The issue of not being physically attracted to someone will come up again and again, so for those of us who can’t put on blinders and just like a person for who they are, it’s just a matter of preference.

Just a few of my girlfriends say that I should be looking beyond Showtime’s physical stature because weight is something you can lose, but is that right for me to continue dating someone when again, that ittle voice in the back of my mind gets going and wondering if he would skip that deep-fried meal if we go out again, lay off the beers for a while or join me in doing this 3-day detox next week.  I think not because it’s a set up anytime you go into a situation thinking you can change someone.

Do you think I’m alone with this weight thing?  Just Google “great guy but he’s too fat” or “percentage of women who won’t date an overweight man” and see how many conversations come up on this very issue.  The largest number of issues are from women who say an overweight AND short man is even worse, and there are also postings from men who say the sight of a woman with “a few extra pounds” is repulsive.  Yes, repulsive and just as I had nice things to say about this guy, there were comments from men in these situations wondering how they can improve their changes with women and avoid continued rejection from women like this guy:”I’m fat it’s not like I enjoy being fat, but every time I try to have a relationship with a girl, they tell me that “You are a really great guy, but you are just too big for me to like”.  What is it not to like?  I’m a very respectful person, I’m smart, I’m funny and I’m an artist… Is there a way for me to be more appealing?”The responses ranged from telling him he needed to lose weight to finding another large person to simply finding someone who was happy with his physical appearance the way it is, so at the end of the day he or she may not be your cup of tea, just as you may not be their cup of tea.  It’s a fact of life that needs to be accepted to save a lot of wasted time.

I recall during our first or second date I had asked Showtime what happened with women he had dated in the past and his response was: one didn’t want to deal with a man that had so many kids and refused to deal with him being unavailable every other weekend, another he said they just “didn’t click” and a third just kind of fizzled away after a couple of dates.  I wonder if the real reason those women didn’t work out is the same as mine, because I’m feeling myself needing to have the “You are a really great guy, but…” conversation just as the poor guy in one of those threads said.  Better sooner than later, right?

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

10 thoughts on “A Few Pounds Too Much

  1. Oh Carmen…that is quite the dillemma. I too have gone out with men that I did not find fully physically attractive; but only once or twice. I have to be attracted to SOMETHING. His intellect, wit, easy banter, personality…something needs to be over the top to keep me answering his calls or even dialing his number. If not, then it is not fair to him to keep stringing him along. My mantra: Treat people the way I would like to be treated. Yes, he CAN change his eating habits and physical lifestyle to lose weight. But it seems like there is so much more that you dislike about him. Otherwise the weight wouldn’t even be an issue. If you can’t see beyond the extra pounds (and other things) to see the beauty of his heart, then he is not the one God designed you for. In the words of Erykah Bddu, “Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go…”

    1. Hey there LT and I’m glad this isn’t something where others feel the same way about attraction, and aren’t looked at as being horrible people. Do you know I’ve actually had men message me bitterly saying things like “If you keep trying to deal with the same thing that looks good, you’re going to continue being single”.

      Seriously?

      Who would want to be with someone who selected them and settled? Not that there is ever a chance that cheating won’t happen for other reasons, but I assure you if the person you’re involved with doesn’t turn you on in some way, it’s making the chances greater.

      I had a situation I mentioned in the last post with this hangover called Critter, and believe me- he looked every bit of the part. He and I carried on a lengthy phone courtship (a few weeks) before meeting, and he really turned me on. He was amazingly smart, artistic, funny, able to converse on a multitude of subjects and everything. I mean he really did it for me and I was so bery excited to meet him.

      We met, he was a-w-f-u-l appearance wise and when he dared to ask what I thought of him, I replied that he looked quite different than his photos. I couldn’t get beyond that and he made me want to get up and run out of that restaurant.

      I have tried to get beyond the physical, but am not there. Yet.

      Thanks for stopping by. 🙂

  2. I think the mature thing to do is not fake it til you make it, because sooner or later this man is going to start feeling that you are not feeling HIM.

    It does suck when you meet someone cool but the physical just isn’t there. Don’t you dare feel guilty, there’s someone else for him just like there’s someone else for you.

    1. Well….. I’m afraid he’s too much of a good guy for me to really tell him the truth; that his appeal stops at the neck. If he was a jerk, or some arrogant loser I wouldn’t care and would mention the attraction obstacle but he isn’t. Right now, he’s likely thinking that I’ve been backing off because of his kids, who he has every other weekend and disappears off the radar until they are gone.

      I’ve always been the type of person who never wants to lead another on or waste their time, so no matter what the reason is that I decide to give him, he’ll know that I shouldn’t be looked at as being anything more. For now at least.

  3. He’s a little on the large side and that’s not your thing, fair enough.

    I don’t find really thin OR overweight women attractive at all and realize I’m shutting out a large percentage of women because of this.

    Maybe you should let him know because if these other women have been sugar coating why they dropped off, maybe he should know. What’s your body type looking like or is there something about you that might not do it for a man and do you think it’s possible your single because of it??

    Do what works for you and hopefully you’re not being too discrimanent.

    1. DeeLights, I have an average body type with about 15lbs that could disappear to the depths of the earth. However… the weight is not staggering in any one area to the point where clothing doesn’t fit well or be made to look flattering. My guy here? The opposite and very obvious. Like I said, I have found myself staring at his lower half, especially his thighs and stomach, wincing at the thought of seeing him in swim trunks or naked. Like really grossed out which if I wanted to get to know someone without worrying about having sex too soon, he would be the perfect beta test

      Like you said, nothing too thin or overweight so yes- you’re probably eliminating a large chunk (pun intended) or women but I’m sure you’re not at the point of taking anything either. Right?

  4. Ooh, this is a touchy subject and no matter what, if you tell someone something they probably already know, it won’t turn out well no matter how nice you are about it.

    In this situation, honesty isn’t always the best policy so just tell him you’re not interested in anything but friends.

    1. Marie, I’ve decided to just tell him the vasectomy is the reason I’m not interested in moving forward, at this time.

      Sadly, he’s like so many other men who are challenged in some way and work harder to please women. He realizes his baggage (who are we kidding, 4 kids is one too many!) is a deterrent for most women and again, he might add that extra something like flowers, when dating.

      I just wished that I could set aside what just doesn’t appeal to me to focus on the good.

      Le sigh.

  5. Don’t force the issue but don’t ruin the friendship you have with this guy. We really can’t change what we want and I think with age (more like when you’re too old to care) things like physical appearance MIGHT change. For now there’s nothing wrong with someone’s weight and appearance not suiting your taste. Besides that, what about the health issues that come with being grossly overweight? This cat needs to care enough about himself and being around for his fam enough to make serious change.

    1. Thanks Silver, and you’re right-he is a decent guy so I wouldn’t be a complete jerk but need to let him know I’m not feeling the situation.

      People can certainly change some undesirable aspects about their physical appearance, but I’m still curious if this is it or if his post-divorce blues had him at a size much larger than where he is now.

      Not my business really, but I’m wondering.

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