Friends with Benefits, Red Flags, Settling or Compromising?, The Non Committal Man or Woman

Situationville

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How many of you can relate to that title?  One simple word that basically means you are involved in one of those situations that really should NOT exist.You’re dealing with a man or woman, but there is no commitment, no relationship exists.   He or she is more than a friend, but more significant than a friends with benefits.  The two of you have a real connection, strong feelings and passion. Yet still, you’re undefined and technically unattached to each other.

It’s funny how many people, especially men seem to think that a commitment is all about a title when it is so much more.  So instead of moving on to something new there are many of us that find ourselves settling (whether we call it that or something else) which leads us to these horribly confusing dwellings called  Situationville.

A good friend of mine just introduced me to the term during a discussion as I was trying to convince her not to do the one thing she doesn’t need right now – an online dating experience.  For some strange reason once we’ve ended a situation or had a particularly messy break-up, we  run to the nearest dating web site in hopes of meeting that pain killer, some poor man or woman unknowingly about to step into a pile of emotional shit.   All because we are looking for someone to “keep us busy” or “take our mind off things”.   This girlfriend has had more than her fair share of disappointing dealings with men, but this recent one?  All bad and the poor thing is crazy in love creating even more of a cluster fuck of a situation, one of the messiest love octagons (triangle doesn’t seem descriptive enough).  She knows good and damn well that her feelings are very strong, emotions raw and that the man could send one text message alluding to some hope for a change, and in a matter of minutes he would be at her doorstep.  Yet she wants to date again even with me saying “Wait a little while, make sure that it is over” until I’m blue in the face.  The first guy out the gate has already began experiencing the aftermath of unfinished business and doesn’t even know it, so for now – since he’s admitted having come from Situationville as well, they figure it’s okay for them to start dating again.

Hmm…. I’m not so sure about that but who am I to talk because although my situation with Out of Sight is nowhere near as convoluted and messy as my dear friend’s, I haven’t exactly been preparing myself to be in the best position for dating someone new either.

It’s been about two weeks since I took him out to celebrate his birthday and what can I say – the night was absolutely wonderful but then again, whenever we get together, we always have a good time.  He arrived on time, dressed impeccably and greeted me at the door bearing a grin and some beautiful flowers; how nice is that to bring something for me even though it was his special day.  A few finishing touches on my outfit and we were out the door for dinner and a little dancing.

Chemistry, we have a ton of great chemistry and it isn’t just sexual which I’m thankful for.  I mean remember there were several months of us just talking and texting before we met each other, so we have had plenty of time to get to know each other without being in each other’s presence.  Quite naturally, when we are together the physical chemistry is off the charts. Someone asked me what was so different about this one that allowed me to step outside of my boundaries for dealing with men and I couldn’t answer specifically, but there are a couple of things that come to mind.

Out of Sight is quite the charmer, and is the type of man who can converse with ease around anyone, from the dinner conversation with the adorable older couple sitting to my left sharing their tales of travel from New York to the youngsters on his right visiting L.A. from Tennessee.   I could go on and on, but while he certainly has his flaws, there are plenty of good qualities that allow me to adore him so.  I mean, have you ever been around someone whose very presence and the simple things they can do such as laughing, can turn you on like no other?

Yes, that’s him so while I resisted the urge to cross my self-imposed boundaries of “just friends” that night, the next morning it was a wrap.  There’s just something about someone waking you up by kissing you softly on your neck, slowly down your back and working their mouth all the way down, using the tongue to dance with your erogenous zones.  Morning wood meets morning wetness and it’s a perfect union.

But…. at the end of the day, nothing has changed. I’m still at a point in life where the only way thing missing is a companion and he is at a point in life where everything else seems to be needed excepta companion.  What’s the problem with my love life?  Bad timing or the wrong man. Finally, I meet a man who seems to do it for me in so many areas but he doesn’t want to invest the time and energy for anything more; at least not anytime soon or the harsh possibility that perhaps it just will not be with me.  He tells me I’m spoiled and since I can’t have things when I want and how I want, I start acting out.  Okay, whatever because it sounds like double talk or more of a diversion to me.

The bigger problem is that on Monday night, we complicated things even more.  He was pissed that his placement in the friend zone was so aloof, and so cold with minimal contact from me and felt that wasn’t something he could handle.  I was accused of treating him like shit and eventually we nearly got to the point of writing each other off.   What doesn’t he understand here because  I would be a fool to continue carrying on with him as if we were lovers getting myself all caught up in a man who tells me right now he’s rebuilding life, so he needs to be in the place he’s been given.  Soon, the tone of the conversation became one of feigned indifference and the call ended.

Less than thirty minutes later, there’s a knock on my door and we stood face to face and we again arrived at the point where he tells me that he hated being emotionally attached and could not nor would he deal with my version of “friends”, which was about to end with him walking out of the door pissed off.Instead, we talked some more and he adds to this mess by saying “I love you, I love you I love you” and I only added to this mess by saying “I love you.”

In case you’re wondering what happens next? Nothing, not a damn thing because as much as this man can tell me how he feels, I will not be put in a position of having to take him by the hand to lead him on what should happen next.  If he needs time to work on himself, that’s cool – he can take all of the time needed and may end up finding someone else in the meantime but me?  I won’t settle and will not continue to blur the lines based on my own emotional attachment because it certainly isn’t fair to anyone I may meet in the meantime.

Welcome to my Situationville until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
Myhangovers@gmail.com

12 thoughts on “Situationville

  1. This place sounds like it is probably way too crowded, this situationville. You know you could totally take this idea and run with it, adding more visual descriptions about the kinds of people who live there. I think I lived in between Hope Street and Heartache. Its has been about 7 years since I’ve been divorced and back on the dating scene and have been there and certainly done that.

    We see relationships for what they are immediately and for the life of me, can’t understand why we keep pressing forward knowing better. I don’t think a single person can say they have never been on either side of the fence, but once you recognize the situation isn’t right, do the right thing for your own sanity and get the hell out of dodge.

    Good post Carmen.

    1. Marie, you’re right about that, I think we’ve all been in this town for too long. Many only escaping after having been damaged pretty badly.

      Thanks for reading. 🙂

  2. Carmen, Carmen!!!!! I’ve been out of the loop a LOT and am glad that you haven’t given up but damn girl, you sound like you’re hooked. Quick, runnnnnnnnnn to the nearest bus depot amd get your ass out of situationville! So this guy seems like a good fit for you and if you are the woman with her mind set on the prize, you can feel it I’m your gut if it isn’t right. I don’t think anyone can or should say leave it alone OR stay the course because we’re not I’m your shoes. However….. just remember the longer you deal, the longer to heal. This one isn’t new so what is he waiting for?? I can’t wait to hear what else you have going on but can offer this- I had pretty much given up on men and even thought about dating women but fortunately I came to my senses and lucked up om a fabulous guy. He’s been through as many ups and downs in relationships as I have, so when we swapped horror stories we knew we had better hold onto each other and not let go so we’re rocking 6 months strong. It can happen again for you but don’t sell yourself short for NO man.

    1. Glad to hear about your new guy Jessie and please- whatever you’ve learned from your past on how to heed warning signs and what to do to flourish things, go full steam ahead with this one.

      Take a look back a few posts to get yourself caught up on this one. There have been so many more hangovers in between, I just haven’t had the time or more likely, the energy to share their stories here.

      Thanks as always for the words of encouragement.

  3. Oh yes, I have lived in this town as well a time or two. Just like the friend you mentioned, you have to come to the realization that you need to leave someone alone in your owb time.

    1. Hi Suzanne and yes, in our own time and after we have grown weary of the bull is when these types of situations will end.

      I’m just trying to move beyond this state of confusion. Out of Sight’s actions (or lack there of) aren’t causing the confusion, but it’s the emotions within me.

      I’ll get to that calm and happy place.

  4. I’m the mayor of Situationvile apparently. This statement sums up my current ‘situation’

    “Finally, I meet a man who seems to do it for me in so many areas but he doesn’t want to invest the time and energy for anything more; at least not anytime soon or the harsh possibility that perhaps it just will not be with me.”

    When I pull back he seems to realize it, but not enough to make a serious move….just pacifying me and I fall for it. Maybe it’s not so much falling as it accepting his strong will to be solo. I definitely understand and accept, but it doesn’t help to tango so I’ve been playing it cool. Cool just long enough to see what will come of out this lesson in patience. *sigh*

    Oh gosh, this wasn’t supposed to be about me…lol. I said all that stuff up there ^^^ to say…I feel ya, girl.

    1. Melzie, what the hell is wrong with us? I mean really.

      Have we programmed or jammed the sense wirings so badly into thinking that anything goes is the norm?

      It’s funny how men always say women have all of the power and control when in reality, it seems the tables and reigns are in the hands of men.

      Why? Simply because I think there are so many more of us wanting to settle down, be in relationships, meet our mate compared to men.

      I’m any event, if you’re lost in Situationville I truly hope you find that the varmin that comes with the territory is too much to handle.

      We deserve better and there are men out there (somewhere, maybe in another state or even om Saturn) who know what they want, tell the woman and go after it.

      I hope your dealings with this man make a turn for the better out of limbo OR you muster up the strength to say hit the road jack!

      Oh- and feel free to takeover. It’s about all of us looking for a cure. 😉

  5. This place needs to be blown up and wiped off the face of the earth because being in this type of mess is all bad. The people who create havoc have no clue what the hell they really want so you’re just being strung along until they figure it out. Carmen, I don’t know what kind of hold this clown has on you but trust, he is not the one you should waste another second on. He’s been in relationships before and knows how to juggle that and work along with everything else. Why are those of us who’ve been to situationville keep waiting and hoping the others wake up. Men like that won’t change nor will the women who get their rocks off doing the same.

    There’s a saying I always come back to – never make someone a priority who makes you an option.

  6. Been there before and hope to never cross that road again, but sometimes being in this type of place isn’t all that bad as long as you know when to get out. Just imagine if we didn’t go through the ups and downs and ended up being with someone for the long run? At least you can see this man for who he is and is NOT. Enjoy while you can but either you will grow tired of the situation or he will.

    1. I agree! Having someone in training camp is always best before signing them to the team. It’s took me a little longer to see that the light at the end of the tunnel was a little dim, but I finally figured it out with this one.

      Cheers to taking a detour when driving anywhere near this place again.

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