Online Dating, Plenty of Fail

Who Wants to Date a Jerk?

​I tried it, but Felonious Monk isn’t going to make the cut because he’s a jerk.

After our initial conversation, Felonious was really excited to meet me so he planned on us getting together for a jazz
brunch at one of my favorite local spots.  I liked the excitement he was showing but after several phone calls, I was convinced there wasn’t open mindedness in the world for me to deal with this dude.

In spite of him being able to appeal to my funny bone and carrying on a decent conversation, he still seemed a little too rough around the edges, too materialistic, too full of himself.  This was in addition to his past, so initially I’d given him the old “it’s me, not you” shutdown but he wasn’t accepting that.

Felonious put on the full court press telling me that in spite of his background, he was a solid guy with a vision and had a plan.  In fact, he went so far as to say how I may even regret not meeting him basically offering a guarantee that I would definitely like him once we met in person.  I can’t explain why I even entertained this notion, so don’t
even ask.

The meet up was set for Starbucks, 10am so I arrive at 9:30am to have the advantage of seeing who’s coming my way before they see me.  I’m sitting in the car dabbing on a little lipstick and suddenly here comes a convertible mustang with the music blaring flying through the parking lot and I just laughed thinking someone needs attention.

It’s 9:40 and while strolling through the lot noticed convertible dude was no longer in his car, but when I looked ahead saw the same guy sitting at one of the tables out front.  As soon as I made the connection I mumbled “oh shit” and here’s how the meeting went using a Q&A style transcript:

Question: Where is the best meeting place if you don’t drink coffee or tea?

Answer:  Starbucks coffee shop.  It’s a nice ice-breaker to tell someone you have no idea what to order because you don’t drink that shit and don’t look at menus ahead of time.

Question:  A man sitting at a table should do what when a woman approaches?

Answer:  Stay seated, look over your sunglasses while licking your lips and say “Damn you fine” then wait for her to finally sit down.

Question:  If you want to let a woman know how interested you are in her, what should you talk about?

Answer: Yourself.

Talk about how women say you look better in person, then talk about your expensive designer cologne and ask if she likes, then talk about how you put on a brand new pair of socks every day.  Then talk about yourself some more, throw out the name of your glasses and point out your name brand watch and don’t forget to remind her you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Question: What’s a good example of budgeting you can share with your date?

Answer:  Tell her about that convertible Mustang explaining you have Nevada plates because that isn’t your car.  In fact, you tell her you don’t even own a car because it’s a total waste of money especially when you’re off running your carrier business.  It’s California, who needs a car.

Question:  If a man wants to sound impressive, what should he do?

Answer:  Embellish or flat out lie.  When she asks you to explain what kind of transportation business you own, respond by asking her if she’s heard of Uber then tell her your business is similar to that.  When she looks at you like she’s confused tell her you’re a carrier and your business is similar to Uber with how jobs are dispatched.

Then when she attempts to clarify the bullshit you’re trying to sell her, act like you’re offended when she asks if you meant to say you’re a courier and justify why operating off of an app to make deliveries really makes you a business owner.

Question:  What things do you tell her to show how generous of a person you are?

Answer: Tell her you don’t believe in discrimination.  Let her know your last baby mama was a Latina, the second to the last was Dominican and please– don’t forget to tell her how you took one for the team since your first child’s mom was black.

Question: What’s the best way to really seal the deal of a first time meeting?

Answer:  Insult her. Repeatedly.  Tell her she’s sexy as fuck but remind her she doesn’t have any ass and you’re an ass man.

Then tell her the side of her right foot is a little ashy, but brush it off as a joke while telling her you would love to suck each toe to smooth things out.  Don’t forget to add she’s talking like a white girl and needs to stop acting so bougie but then add, you really like classy women and ask her again if she wants to attend the jazz brunch with you.

This is real life.  No dramatizations, but real life.

After about 15 minutes, I abruptly stood up saying I was late for my appointment and commented it had been an
enlightening experience and do you know this egotistical clown murmured something about us having a great connection?

Ummm that’s a no and I thought to myself everything about you is a no and it isn’t because of your felonious past, but it’s because you’re an asshole.

Why God, why???

Is this because I cheated on my then-boyfriend in ’96?  Is this karma from having dumped my kid’s father during college because I wanted to turn up a bit?  Is this punishment because I lost my virginity in my parent’s bathroom to Derrick Miller?

This can’t be my life.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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