Facebook Knows All Your Business

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Why Chris Brown,  why?!?!?

I guess this could be somewhat of a hypocritical statement since I’m a dating blogger and have spilled my guts about every intricate detail when it comes to my experiences but really – does every intricate detail of what goes on in a relationship have to be broadcasted?

We’ve all seen how the posts go from “Out with my baby” and “Love my boo”  to posts like “Good times with my girls” and “Ladies night out” only to finally see that relationship status changed to “Single” or “It’s complicated”.  Some are nice and simple while others get down and dirty like this one:

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For as long as I have been on Facebook I have either done one of two things – either left my relationship status BLANK so when things go bad, the only thing you’re missing are a couple of posts and maybe photos OR made sure I went through the one hundred painful steps you need to take to prevent a change from showing up on your timeline.  My closest friends will have found out about the end of my dealings with a man directly without 200 or so people needing to know, but I realize people feel differently.

Take a look at this sad update posted by a friend on Facebook invoking discussion on why his relationships aren’t working out while those of us who really know him can guess that his spicy personality cocktail mixed with a splash of bipolar disorder and a shot of depression is the reason why. I’m just hoping his venomous comments that followed weren’t shared with the ex:

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It just makes you wonder if people are posting these kinds of relationship updates to elicit sympathy and compassion or if they’re doing the same thing I’ve been doing for several years – simply venting on their online diaries.  I don’t mind the broadcasts because at least you’ll get to know exactly how well OR poorly people handle breakups.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

A Year of Dating Hangovers

One year.  365 days. 53 weeks. 

Several template revisions, three “About Me” rewrites, many lessons learned.

118 posts.  1,071 comments.  Thousands of Spam messages. 

Encounters with an estimated 26 men.  Total of 26 disappointments with men.

Countless expletives.  Many headaches.  Several arguments.  One heartache.

 Happy Blogoversary My Dating Hangovers!

I’m not quite sure how to feel knowing an entire year has passed since I first entered the world of blogging.  Although I started this as a hobby of sorts, to get my feet wet in the realm of online journaling, at times I wondered if I kept knocking down the different men I had encountered to give me a reason to continue writing.

I also wondered if I may have jinxed what I thought could be the end of my dating hangovers by continuing to chronicle what was happening in my relationship with Rescue.  That only stayed in my mind for a moment as I realized it was the person and not the blogging which puts me in the position I am in today.

Unknown relationship Single status.

Here’s an excerpt from my first post a year ago, November 17, 2010:

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at, 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.  On to the next!

I just realized that the way that introduction was written, it didn’t sound as if I had any intentions on finding the RIGHT ONE, instead I simply said “on to the next” and that is exactly what I got.  The next hangover.  Over and over and over again.

The past year has been filled with a lot of strange experiences and moments, and although I’m one week fresh off of hearing what sounded like a statement for re-election (you know – say everything the people want to hear), I can’t say that I haven’t had times I enjoyed the company I was in and the love in my heart from reconnecting with my past.

But hey– that type of tone isn’t the purpose of an anniversary now is it?  Nope, not at all.  Instead, it’s a celebration and a trip down memory lane so for your viewing pleasure (especially to the newer stalkers readers) a timeline and trip through My Dating Hangovers (November 2010 – November 2011):

Okay, so I didn’t exactly take the time to figure out how to PROPERLY insert the time line but you get the picture!

In addition to having chuckled, snorted and laughing out loud reviewing the timeline, I figured I’d pick out my favorite posts or topics:

 Top 5 Favorite Posts  

 –          Until Something Better Comes Along

–          Choosing a Life Partner

–          The Dating Resume

–          Dating the Single Parent

–          Never Date a Religious Hypocrite

 

Top 5 Men I Wish I Never Met

 –          Sybil’s Brother

–          Ghetto 2Pac

–          Good on Paper

–          Full Metal Jacket

–          Tupperware Man (don’t ask – I totally forgot about him but trust, he’s nuts!)

 

 

Top 5 Moments to Remember

 

–         Reunionw/Rescue

–          Prince concert w/Rescue

–          First date with Tall Glass of Wine

–          First date with USBC

–          Bedroom encounter w/Black Russian

 

 

 

And finally – two mini statements from the two men whose company I truly enjoyed and had figured out one of the small secrets to my happiness was laughter:

Tall Glass of Wine:

How often is it that you can meet someone who is able to carry on great
conversation, knows how to behave at the dinner table, can get down on the
dance floor, knows how to hold their liquor AND also loves Prince?

And of course…

Rescue 911:

Rescue makes me happy, makes me laugh, understands me, is affectionate, a great lover, communicates with me, shares his dreams, likes Prince, accepts me and all my flaws, understands my love of a wig collection, and above all – is my friend.

So what’s next?

I haven’t a clue but I DO know I would much rather have a blog titled “Let’s Stay Together”.

Searching for the cure…

Carmen Jones

 

Did we make up or WHAT?

  

  “You really need to update the blog so your readers know this is what really happens when you’re dealing with relationship issues”.

 I wouldn’t expect to hear something like this from a man, and especially not Special Agent but this is what he told me when I shared that there was a little more than “talking” when Rescue and I saw each other last week.

Oh wait – I guess I should mention that I told Special Agent about this face to face.  While on my weekend getaway with the girls down in his neck of the woods, he drove up to the resort making it our second time seeing each other in nearly a year.  Of course, there are plenty of details from our encounter but I’ll save those for another time.    

 Maybe. 

 Sharing all that went down would be quite interesting, but as long as he destroys that awful blackmail photo he took of me, the details will remain locked away.  

Now – back to Rescue but first, let me say this.  Apparently some people feel as if I’ve been holding out on details like I’m trying to create some type of cliffhanger when I’m posting and believe me, this isn’t the case.  If you’ve been reading for a while then you know I can be a bit winded (especially if I’m writing about certain men), so after it takes me about ten minutes to do spell check if I’m posting from my Blackberry OR notice there are 3 or more pages if posting from a computer, to me – that means I need to create two separate posts.   My point?  Get over it and wait until I’m able to write more.  =)

 Alright, so as Special Agent reminded me with a twinge of disappointment once he heard that the talk transitioned to something more physical, here’s what went down last week when after over a month, I saw Rescue.

 He talked, I listened.  I mean really listened.

 SocialLyte and my girlfriend Kim both suggested that I tone my attitude down, try not to be combative and take some of that Carmen bite out of the equation once I saw Rescue.  I actually did this and really exercised the art of communicating with a non-combative, non-aggressive type of personality.

 As I mentioned last time, Rescue’s timing was perfect, for him.  When he called me it was after I had the chance to decompress from the day’s activities and two glasses of wine later, I was mellow Jell-O.  Had he called and stopped by two days earlier?  Trust me, the conversation would have gone down completely differently and it would not have ended very well.

He called me and said it was important that he talk to me and about thirty minutes later was at my door.  I’m chuckling now because another friend told me Rescue would likely show up “looking all good”, and it would go down from there.  I have to admit – when I opened the door and saw him standing there I was thinking “Damn, he looks nice”.   

Rescue wasn’t dressed up or anything; he simply had on a black shirt, dark blue jeans and a hat.  Very simple but he can wear nearly anything well.  The bonus?  He’d let his facial hair grow in and was working the hell out of his goatee and beard.  Hmm.

Silly me.  I figured the absence of parking outside would save me from doing the one thing I said would NOT happen.  When he asked if he could park in the garage and come in, I told him no – this forced him to park in the drive way.  In my mind this was a bonus because it meant he wasn’t coming in and the conversation wouldn’t be too long, so I grabbed a coat and some shoes and walked out towards his car. 

Armed with my “just listen, don’t relent” attitude, I sat in the car with my arms folded and that expression that said I was only there to hear him out and so it began. 

When I say Rescue did almost everything right, I mean it.  He opened up the conversation by apologizing.  Acknowledging that it was his way of communicating that caused this situation and acknowledging everything my suspicions had assumed about why he shut down the way he did. 

He told me that he was not letting me go and refused to give up.  When he came back toCaliforniahe had one purpose with me and that was to be together, making me his last.

He told me that in spite of me having apologized for the last blow up over the whole divorce situation, that argument we had on Labor Day really put his mind in a different place.  He felt vulnerable and figured at any time I could tell him not to come over anymore and even added he realized the same could happen with his good friend he’d been staying with.

He told me that even though I told him I was willing to work with him while he rebuilt his life; he felt less than a man because he wanted to give me the world and couldn’t even take care of himself or his family obligations. 

He told me that he had to fall flat on his a$$ and had to do it alone.  Now he has a new direction and an actual vision instead of just living in survival mode.  He’s going back to school after realizing that getting back into firefighting or some other related type of work just isn’t feasible in this economy so he’s learning a new skill.

He told me there was never another woman, reminding me again that he’s only interested in one and that was me.

He told me he would like me to give him a chance to prove that he’s worth it, to work with him and not give up on the relationship.

He told me that he wants to be married to me and wants another child.

Out of everything that he told me while we sat there was important, touching and things that I wanted and needed to hear.  Occasionally, I would glance over and really look into his eyes to make sure that all that he was saying wasn’t some scripted game, but what I saw, heard and felt was sincerity.

Above all, I loved hearing that he was my friend and that he’d missed that.  A lot.

Certainly, you don’t think I just sat there the entire time listening and not saying anything!  Rescue had the opportunity to get everything out and when he was done, he asked me to at least think about it and said he was in no position to expect me to answer right then and there, nor could he expect me to say yes.  I had a lot to say in between pauses and especially at the end, something like a closing argument.

 I told him he had really messed things up and while I know blaming one person isn’t conducive of working things out, I couldn’t help it because I was hurt, angry and completely disappointed.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he hadn’t learned the art of communicating within a relationship and that I couldn’t determine if taking another chance on him suffering from some type of set back, that he wouldn’t do the same thing again.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he did not TRUST me and reminded him of something I said when we first started dating again.   I told him that I was willing to do something I would never consider doing – being with someone who is not only married, but at the time had no place of his own to live and had no job.  I reminded him that my exact words were “I believe in you; I knew you before when you had all of those things and I remember how good you treated me, so I know you’ll get back to where you were”.  He let his insecurities over ride anything I’d promised to him.

I told him that I loved him and that was something that hadn’t changed, but had been tainted with so many negative feelings I couldn’t say how I would be able to deal with him in the future.

This was definitely a conversation for the books but I am proud of myself.  For once after having ended a relationship by telephone or text, I actually had a face-to-face meeting with the man I was involved with to listen to what he had to say.

I don’t know if I wanted to cry or slap him (I warned him that the latter was a strong urge and suggested he brace himself), but at some point I was finished listening.  I told Rescue it was getting late and was going back inside, and when he offered to walk me to the door, figured I was just going to take some time to process all that had been said.

In his true gentleman fashion, he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and wished me a good evening.  I thanked him, closed the door and that was it.

Okay, not exactly.

I sat on the couch for about a minute and sent a text to a friend telling her I finally saw him, that he left without incident but that I really didn’t want him to go.  My comment to her was “guess I’m not so tough after all” and she replied “you have a heart and you can’t deny that” and told me I should let him know. 

I sent a simple text to him telling him I really didn’t want him to leave and he asked if he should come back, so of course my reply was YES.

This time he knocks on the door, smiling when I open and hand him the remote to the garage.  A few moments later, he’s inside and we’re sitting on the sofa when I jokingly tell him he got off easy with that talk because all of the questions I had prepared in my mind weren’t even brought up.  Then I told him he had some nerve to show up after all that had happened empty handed.  He looked at me and started chuckling and asked if I wanted him to go outside and cut off one of the bird of paradise flowers and calling his bluff, I said yes.

He gets up, grabs a pair of scissors and disappears outside the door but damn – he was gone for a while. 

I figured he was just standing there, thinking when he comes back inside with one arm behind his back.  He walks over to me, kisses me on the forehead and says “Baby, I am so sorry and I love you” and gives me some of the prettiest flowers.   We laughed at the gesture because it was so dramatic and over the top, but these types of silly moments are what I miss the most.

By the way, I didn’t realize until a few days later that he’d gone halfway down the block to get those flowers.  =)

Can you blame me for what happens next? 

After all of this, it’s almost 10pm and it’s pretty chilly.  I tell him he can stay for an hour longer and then he has to leave, and we head back to the bedroom.  We’re laying down, talking, keeping our hands to ourselves and then he kissed me.

It was all over after that because it was one of those kisses that sends shock waves throughout your entire body and leaves you feeling all tingly.  He’s kissing me, rubbing my face, stroking my hair and whispering in my ear.

I always said making love to Rescue was the best, hands down but this time?  I don’t think I can really put into words how that felt and even as I write this, I can’t explain it.

Yes, I did the one thing you should not do when you’re talking to an ex about a possible reconciliation (though I honestly don’t think Rescue ever accepted that HE was single).  Having done that blurs the efforts of concentrating on the issues and whether any of them had been resolved and IF any of those unresolved could be items you can work with.

So as of right now, I can’t even say that we even made up.  I DO feel better that he’s no longer on my “most hated” list and I DO feel better that we can at least talk to each other.  However, I’m not expecting much to come of this.  

I have no expectations for anything to happen, no desire to be asked out to dinner with him, nothing.  In fact, my follow up conversation with him will consist of me suggesting he keep me in his life but as a friend only because right now, that’s all that he can handle since my expectations in a relationship cannot be met.

 

I think I’m still searching for the cure to the dating AND relationship hangovers…

Carmen ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Week of Revelations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Week of Revelations

Only time will tell what happens with him or any of these other three OR any of the others I didn’t have time to mention here.”

 I guess the most appropriate place to begin this post is by starting where I left off.  It’s been a little over a week since I last posted and other than the occasional feelings of disappointment, reasoning and a slew of other thoughts and random emotions, not much has really happened directly.  Meaning, I’ve finally taken my own advice of just sitting back and observing what is transpiring in my life when it comes to men. 

I even (get ready) stayed (yep, here it comes) home (really, I did) on one of the busiest (behind New Years and 4th of July) weekends for partying (here comes the scary part) and carefully reviewed the actions of each of those mentioned in A Tale of Four Men.

I really have problems keeping things succinct, but I’ll try. 

First up…….

Rescue 911 – “Ah….no wonder.  It’s in his nature even if he’s no longer doing it not to let things perish.  He may be thinking he can douse just enough water to smolder the fire and in his mind, he’s not letting something die”.   This was something Tall Glass of Wine said to me while we were sharing battlefield survival break up stories on our way to the Foo Fighters concert.  I told him I didn’t understand why after being told repeatedly “It’s not working”, “I don’t want to be with you”, “You’re unable to deal with me in a relationship” and every other phrase you could imagine why he would not give up.

He loves me. 

Without a doubt, I know that Rescue loves me from my almond shaped eyes to my swollen foot.  He’s never had any problems expressing how he feels and what he wants with me on down the road.  Still, his inability to handle life challenges and adversity?  His inability to communicate with the person he’s with?  His inability to see that you trying to go through your battles privately when you are in a relationship is a surefire way to end up SINGLE?  Rescue doesn’t get any of this.  It’s like trying to teach someone without fingers how to quickly tie their shoes.

We are quickly approaching a month – an entire month since I have seen him and I’ll guarantee you this, it isn’t due to lack of trying to connect with me on his part.  He’s tried to talk to me (I’m too annoyed or pissed to accept his calls with the exception of ONE on Friday).  He’s come by the house twice that I know of (and while I don’t know if he’s tried, I’m a little tickled by the thought of his expression trying what he thinks is the door key).  He has texted me asking when we can sit down and talk.  All requests, ignored.  He’s doing just enough not to let that imaginary person or building perish in a fire.  Rescue is acting like a rescuer.

I have those random moments when I may respond and engage in a textversation but it never leads to anything too promising.  I’m thinking back to a comment one of the readers made last week when she said “any response is still a response” but in my mind, this is how I’m slowly weaning myself off the nipple.

Admittedly, there have been a few things that have struck a chord with me to think “Hmm, maybe I should just see him and hear him out”.  Maybe.

The jury is still out but things don’t look promising for a turnaround with this situation at all.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

Good on Paper – You’ll be happy to know that this update will be brief.   Very brief indeed as I have nothing to provide by way of details.  I have not heard anything further from this hangover and must say, he’s consistent and predictable.  I kind of like that.  GOP puts it out there what he’s looking for (booty) and is behaving as such to avoid any confusion about what the situation is (none of those “how are you” calls or texts in the meantime).  I’m okay with not hearing from him and am praying that my hormones cooperate with me and don’t lead to a reunion with him anytime soon.

 I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

 Tall Glass of Wine – By the end of last week I realized what his story was – he’s bored.

Yes, I said bored.  This guy ended his relationship the day before I ended mine, but had been so intertwined with his ex-girlfriend and her children his days were pretty full. 

I never really asked for the details, but knowing he’s an active “get up and go” type of guy, I’m figuring they spent their free time on outings be it bike riding, hiking, movies, dinner, you name it.  I did mention long ago that Tall Glass liked to have a good time and expense rarely seemed to be a problem.

So when he calls me on a Tuesday night…. Let me pause here for a moment.  It’s a Tuesday night (only two days into a new week), a school night (he is fully aware that I have an underage child, not a latchkey kid WITH homework), knowing I wake up at the crack of dawn for work.  Unpause.  …saying “Hey, let’s go grab some sushi”, I was like huh?  I replied “Uh, you know I’m not a sushi nut like you though I’ll eat cucumber rolls all night but did you forget about my little one over here?”  “Oh.  Yeah.  My bad.”

I thanked Tall Glass for the invite and reminded him that unlike his last situation, I didn’t have teenagers and even so, I needed a little more notice on a week night to get myself ready.  I’ve got no problems with spontaneity but to an extent, you know?

Later that evening he sends me a text apologizing and saying he realizes how different his life is now that he ended things with his ex.  I told him that means he needs to figure out what he really wants to do that makes him happy without having to tie his freedom from boredom to another person.  That pretty much ended the texting that night and it turned me off a little.  Tall Glass is attempting to use me as some sort of filler.

Sunday night around 7pm he sends me a text message asking if I wanted to catch a movie.  I replied “that’s what I mainly use my Friday and Saturday night’s for, Sunday’s is more of a family day” to which he replies “I guess I’ll go by my lonesome self and enjoy it”.  Huh?  I jokingly (yeah right, a girl was serious as a heart-attack) replied back “maybe it’s time to do the family thing too” certainly not expecting him to send back “I had one with the ex”.

Damn, and I thought I was having issues with my break up.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

That leaves me with just one more of the fantastic four (and I say this with all of the cynicism my soul can bare):  Special Agent.

I just scrolled back up for a moment to see how I was working on my succinctness?  Fail.

 How can I quickly summarize the things I’ve noticed with Special Agent in this last week?

 I can’t.

 I’ll have to come back with a follow up because there were a few eyebrow raising moments and I called him on each and every one of them.  In addition, I have a couple of theories about him.  I’m not saying they’re all bad or anything but definitely things to note.

Something funny he told me after reading last week’s post is that he felt I was holding back because I knew he was reading and this is the furthest thing from the truth.  In fact, I’m tempted to e-mail links to ALL posts about Rescue to him so he can read about how he’s responsible for the demise of his relationship.  Tempting, very tempting.

I digressed, now back to Special Agent.  Again, nothing will be withheld, especially not from him.  He comes across as the type of man who is a man’s man – will take being sliced across the hand without so much as a wince just to prove a point that he’s – well, a man.  So anything that is being written about him here (unless he specifically requests that I leave out or simply not mention something that is personal or privy), he’d better be kicking back in his office, feet on the desk and glasses on ready to suck it up.

I definitely sat back and observed this one, making notes of what has occurred.

More to come.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers….

 Carmen ~

A new day

Cost for an after hours locksmith- $84
Feeling okay the day after a break up-PRICELESS.

Saturday was quite interesting. As I woke up and started preparing food for a potluck, I wondered about my plan of action.

I was so over the “how come you won’t just talk to me” or the “your actions make no sense” and especially the “you say you need and love me but I don’t see it” type of conversations. These were pretty much common place for about a month with Rescue.

I called our mutual friend as I was pulling out of the driveway and asked “is your buddy there?”, and once I heard “no, he’s already gone”, I felt that familiar twinge. That feeling that reminded me why I was ready to be done.

Rescue finds time to go to the moon, Mars and circle back to Neptune before returning to earth and simply refuses to deal with me. He doesn’t like confrontation or arguments, I get that but how he’s avoided a “come to Jesus” moment about the relationship was just… Unacceptable. Asinine. Stupid.

As I started my drive towards the 405 on what was an absolutely beautiful day, I pondered how to go about getting my house key back again. Yes, I said again. Don’t judge me but after that amazing tune-up session (known as mind-blowing missed you sex), I gave it back to him with a warning not to fuc# up again.

Low and behold a few days later, he was fuc#king up. Again.

So I wondered if going to his job and waiting, then jumping out of my car like a scene out of a movie titled “This Bitch Is Crazy” would be a good move. Nah, not my style.

Instead, at the end of the day I made up my mind that I was ready to the relationship that should have NEVER been.

It shouldn’t have existed because Rescue has enough baggage to be charged a premium rate by an airline at check-in.

It shouldn’t have existed because I made it to easy. History or not, he had to do no courting, no romancing and no dating to get me back in his arms.

And for goodness sake, it sure as hell should not have existed because separated still means married!!!!!

At 8:35pm, there was a knock on the door and ten minutes later and $84 dollars broker, I had completed step one.

By 8:42pm, the last part of my text message (yeah, shitty to do it that way but oh well!) was sent to Rescue.

What the hell – here it is:

“Hey, guess what?

I’m finally doing it!

I realized that you either think I’m a damn fool or YOU are just crazy.

I figure any man who would string a woman along, making her absolutely miserable and even a little crazy, is not the man for me.

AND you probably are the type who doesn’t end things but wait for the woman to do it.

I’ve given you more than enough time to take at LEAST and hour and have a face-to-face with me but you have failed for a month.

So since you want to carry on like you’re a single man, let me help you.

I do NOT want YOU in my life anymore.

Good luck to you Rescue.”

As my Florida Diva said, that was empowering and let me just say this – while my feelings were true and I loved that man with all I had, I woke up with a clear head and felt not a twinge of sadness. Not one iota.

You see, I realized that it’s okay to hope for someone wonderful. A person who makes you feel good, gives you hope that though you may have encountered plenty of losers in your dating journeys, not all men/women are bad. It’s okay to be hopeful that you can fall head over heels in love and hope for a future with someone.

Nothing wrong with hoping at all.

But out of everything I’ve experienced dealing with Rescue these last 8 months is that ignoring your gut is a recipe for failure. Accepting a person’s situation that is completely foreign and normally unacceptable to you IS settling.

Oh- and about that giving someone a key because you feel the relationship has progressed to that point? Never again.

House keys will only be exchanged when me and the man I’m in a relationship with are cohabitation on a place we have together as future or current husband and wife.

I’ve learned several lessons the hard way and while I didn’t act like Stella and get my groove back while in Jamaica, I sure as hell am ready to make a smooth transition back to the single life in LA!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen~

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

A few hours later…

Great minds think alike! Esme, you’re so right.

Fu#k these men with all of their issues.

I decided at 2:25pm this afternoon that Rescue needs to be rescued. Pun intended.

I told a friend a few weeks ago we need to stop dealing with these dog pound-caliber of men.

Yes, I said dog pound. They’re cute, you want to cuddle them and even though they’re tattered and beat up from life events, some of us feel the need to rescue them.

So last night, I accepted a last minute invitation to see a Foo Fighters concert with….. Tall Glass of Wine.

And a great time was had by all!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers.

Carmen

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

I’m Back!!!!!!

 

“Come back to Jamaica…. our home is your home…”

I know I’m totally dating myself, but does anyone else remember that little jingle from back in the 80’s?  Let me just say that Montego Bay was everything I had hoped it could be and then some.

I’ve been back in town now for almost a week and have been trying to catch up on life which really is a buzz kill after partying, drinking and relaxing as if I didn’t have a care in the world.

Another song comes to mind – “Back to life, back to reality, back to the hear and now….”

Oh well.

How about some updates, right?

Let me just say this – for a minute there, I was fearful that My Dating Hangovers would go away sooner than I wanted.  I’d (past tense) settled down with (what I thought was – another past tense) a wonderful man and was only worried about surviving the little “hiccups” relationships experience and plan my future with Rescue. 

I was total drama queen before I left for vacation and with good reason – Rescue had shown to me that he, unequivocally was a MAN, one who was unable to handle certain life events and balance with OTHER life events.  He had shown me that his biggest weakness as a person, a boyfriend, and with the second marriage, a husband – an inability to communicate.   Hurt, anger, disappointment, frustration – one of many descriptors for my feelings in the days before leaving but that ONE night, the night before I left was interesting.

In a brief 10 minute, front door exchange of more hugs and feelings through non-verbal communication, I realized how MUCH I was in love with Rescue.    By no means does love conquer all and erase the stupid manner in which he was carrying on, but it meant a lot to me to see him.  It meant something to hear him tell me “we’re not over” and “I’m not letting you go a second time”, all before I embarked on a journey to the land where Stella was known to have gotten her groove back.

Not familiar with that phrase?  Take a listen look (if you’re reading this from a reader, you’ll need to enable images and links):  \”How Stella Got Her Groove Back\”

The entire time while I was in Jamaica, on a trip meant for relaxation and thoughts of leaving behind stupid men (those with husband’s were feeling the same), I was thinking of him.  I would text him, sometimes twice a day little updates or simple messages of how I missed him and couldn’t wait until I returned home.

And then I returned home….

I have a tune-up, complete with spark plugs, fluid drain and adjustment of my gears.  Rescue did well by showing up, as a good man who missed his woman should and picked up the habit of consistency with communication for several days afterwards.

The problem?

It has now been a week since we’ve seen each other, although he stays (or so he says he still stays) only 10 minutes away.

I guess it is time to get the termination papers back out.

Before the trip

I just got my house key back from Rescue.

The last message I’d sent was pretty stern as I said a little something like “I don’t want to talk to you” and “leave the car running, I’ll meet you at the door”.

So there he was, looking as handsome as ever with a puppy dog look on his face to match mine, waiting with key in hand.

Here’s how I envisioned things would go:

Carmen stands with hands on hips in the door way, one eyebrow cocked in the air with a disgusted look. Rescue walks up and she says “my key”, quickly extends her right hand, gets the key then smugly says “about time” then turns on her heel. Just as she’s about to close the door, Carmen yells “we are DONE!”

Yeah, sounds like a nice dramatic ending from the girlfriend who had been neglected for two and a half weeks. But uh, it didn’t quite go down like that.

Instead, Rescue walks up to the door steps, extends the key and when I go to reach for it, quickly grabs me and we hug.

I mean really, embrace is more fitting of a description.

As my chest is pressed into his and Rescue’s arms are wrapped tightly like a young baby being swaddled, it hits me. It’s almost like he is reading my mind, sensing the signals of my body language from that hug that seemed to last forever and he says “Baby, we are not over, we are not. I told you, I will not lose you a second time, I can’t. I won’t”.

It is almost 4 o’clock in the morning and it would take me a while to share all that transpired between us as I stood at my door, half asleep with pajamas and scarf to boot.

I’ll just say this – I lied. I told Rescue I didn’t want to talk but I did. I simply asked why? Why couldn’t he just TELL me that he was going through it. Why couldn’t he trust me, the woman he’s so in love with and wants to be with; trust me enough to explain his 3 week plan in advance so I wouldn’t think something else.

Why?

Because he is a man.

Men do foolish – not stupid things because of their pride, ego whatever.

Men, especially when in relationships, fail to realize that communicating with your partner is NOT the same as being monitored or bossed around. It’s simply communicating which alleviates a tremendous amount of bullshit.

We’re all big boys and girls, we realize that when your actions deviate from the norm and you fail to simply explain why, that leaves things open to interpretation and most times, we then assume. Assume the worst.

Long of the short? I’ll be high in the friendly skies for part one of my vacation and although things are not how they should be, I’m going to be leaving with love in my heart.

I can’t say for sure what will happen with Rescue when I return, and I did chuckle at the last thing he said to me as he jokingly told me “have fun and don’t be over there acting like Stella”.

Seeing him made all of the ill feelings I had towards him subside.

Only time will tell.

For now… Atlanta and Jamaica, you better get ready for me!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Phase 3- The “I don’t know how I feel” moment

To say that this past week has been rough would be a gross understatement.

I haven’t been shedding tears of “my relationship is crappy and pretty much over, but more “this whole wanting to be with someone is crappy”. Actually, I take that back – the crying has pretty much subsided and has been replaced with an attitude of indifference.

Rescue has issues that need to be worked out and as much as he keeps trying to convince me that WE are okay, I beg to differ.

Selfishness or love?

Which is it when someone knows they’re not right for you OR need to work on themselves before trying to be with you but don’t want to let you go?

Well I’ll tell you this blog world- I really don’t care which it is.

I don’t care about Rescue’s need to get himself together.

I don’t care that I’ve been asking that he return my house key for a week, and he’s not done so in a futile attempt to use it as leverage for holding on (I guess).

I don’t care right now but I DO care about my future happiness.

Last night, I was invited out for drinks with a former hangover – Tall Glass of Wine. I’ll definitely have to share how the evening went though in short – we HAD a great time. Really great time.

Remember how I said it seemed as if the world knew about my doomed relationship?

Ironically, in the very same day that Tall Glass contacted me, I received a “hello stranger” text message from “The Calm”. I may be having a senior moment with his pseudonym so forgive me, but he was the producer who seemed to be nearly all that I would want in a man. Sort of.

Okay, again, more to come on the exchanges with these two but for now- permission for a hiatus from writing for a week or so.

Why?

In about 72 hours I will be boarding a flight to Jamaica.

I don’t know if I’ll be like Stella getting her groove back.

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Phase 2

The crying, dry heaves and headaches and confusion that follows have subsided.

I’ve have passed the “I don’t really want it to be over”, “perhaps we just need a break” and the “why do I feel so bad” stages.

I’ll admit it here – Saturday and Sunday were more like pre-break up moments. I’d told Rescue I was “letting him go so he could work on himself” and based on the generic/normal type of calls and texting that followed, I learned my girlfriends were right- he didn’t get it.

Rescue didn’t understand that those weren’t just words of support for his negligent, inconsistent and somewhat suspect absenteeism but instead, my punk way of saying IT’S OVER. Only I never really came out and said it.

I am now ready to tattoo those words onto my forehead.

So while he’s thinking I’m just having some post-menstrual moments, I’m crying the blues over a failed relationship. Just like he so smartly failed to communicate the space he was giving ME after our last tiff, I failed to communicate to him that for a second time, he had failed in our relationship.

This Monday and part of Tuesday? Rough. I had moments of regret for having blogged anything about this mess. Why? Fear of being judged if a miracle somehow happened making everything between us alright. I had moments of regret for not being more patient. After all, if he said he just needed to get through these next 2 or 3 weeks, is that REALLY such a long time? How patient am I of a woman who says she is completely in love with this man if a matter of weeks is a deal breaker?

Yet out of all of the moments of regret I was and am still having, the biggest of them all? Having allowed myself to become involved with someone who had a shit load of baggage.

What in the world was I thinking?

Am I desperate or something?

No, I don’t think so. I’m a good looking woman, even with the extra 20lbs or so un-strategically placed on my body. I’m fairly intelligent, both book smarts and a wealth of common sense. Although my job has a lot to be desired, it is a good job which pays fairly well and the type of work I do is well respected. I’m a great communicator, love public speaking and though I’ve only recently renewed my passport after a 20 year hiatus, I still get around across the US. On top of all of this? I’m a great Mom!

Hell, just reading that I’m feeling pretty damn good so again- why do women like ME fall and settle for men like HIM?

Just thinking about this situation and the last 8 months is making my blood pressure rise. It’s past 10pm, I have to give a speech tomorrow that I’ve not even written yet and haven’t a clue on what to wear.

My summary for tonight?

Fuc% him.

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

The word is OUT!

All I’m saying is… It seems like the world got the memo about my relationship blues.

I get a random text message from Mr. Jekyl (damn, I STILL have not shared the sordid details about that love affair turned Nightmare on Elm St.). Simply saying “Hi”.

Don’t read any more into it. That IS his modus operandi – get you with a minimalistic approach then go in for the kills texting you to death asking why you can’t be friends.

Then, I get an even more random “Hi there friend, long time no talk. How have you been? I miss my friend, hope we can meet up soon”. This was actually from the last guy I’d gone on a date with before I put the plug in the bathtub of my dating life.

I can’t remember what his pseudonym was at this moment, but I DO remember he was a really nice guy, smelled great, was very articulate and had positively, absolutely, without a doubt – no neck. Or legs.

Okay, I’m totally bullsh#tting about the legs but he was short. Very short.

I felt bad that I hadn’t really contacted him since our breakfast date aside from a few pity calls and texts to keep up. I replied to him that I was doing well (lie) and said sure, we could meet up some time.

Last but not least, to round out my 4 days of men-suck-and-I’m-trying-not-to-be-jaded I get this lovely message in my mailbox just seconds ago:

“eHarmony – You could Find Singles Like You”

Really? Can I REALLY find singles like me? Hell, am I truly even single? If I am single am I really interested in the extended torture chamber known as the eharmony personality/matching profile?

Ummmmm… I think not!

By the way, isn’t that baby THE creepiest looking thing you’ve ever seen? 🙂

Thought I’d found it but nope… Still waiting on the cure for the hangovers…

Carmen

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

After all of that…

I believe I am now a single woman. Again.

After all of the drama, the divorce arguments, trying to convey communication vs incorrect assumptions, and learning to juggle things in life, I decided I can take no more.

When I woke up yesterday (for like the 3rd time), I decided there is no hope for Rescue and me. Maybe there’s no hope for him, period.

After all of enlightening feedback I received from Papa Bear, I thought we would be okay, being able to be strong enough to weather any storm.

I apologized my part in having caused and strife and it was well received by Rescue but then he creates yet another problem.

While our relationship is on a respiratory machine, he takes our condition from serious to critical. Yes, I’m exaggerating with the analogies, but this is the best way I can describe the situation.

You see, I wanted to see him after all of the fussing and the tension created over the last week or so. Not argue, dredge up any argument, but just to see Rescue. To be with him. I wanted to work on mending whatever tears had been made.

Rescue, however had something else in mind. When we would normally see each other 4 or 5 nights out of the week. Even if it was only for an hour in the morning as I dressed for week, with his schedule, it’s what I had to work with. Instead, days began to go by and soon, I stopped training my ear to listen for that key in the door at 4am.

Rescue felt the best way for ME to feel better about our situation was to give ME space.

Okay, I guess that would have been a perfect if one of the following applied:

1. I was the type of woman who thought space after an argument was a good idea and more importantly

IF

2. I KNEW this was the plan!

What the hell?

Yes, this was something that was decided by Rescue all by himself but he failed to let the girlfriend (me) know about it.

So….. When I don’t see him when he gets off work, and I don’t see him and barely talk to him during his off day, what else am I to think but everything bad?

Failure to communicate.

A few conversations later, I COMMUNICATE to him that what he did backfired. Grossly.

What that time away fro$ each other did was allowed me to think. A lot. This is dangerous for a woman on the edge of ending a relationship. It gave me time to get used to not being around him. Sure, I cried a lot these last couple of days but it’s been in preparation for the inevitable. The space he mistakenly think I needed gave me time to realize that the failure of his past relationships, marriage from years ago and this latest one that didn’t even last a year were probably due to his actions.

Let your work and personal goals take over when in a relationship and you neglect the one you love? Guess which won’t be around any longer?

These last three days have been a blur and to add to all of the stress? I’ve come down with a terrible cold and sinus ailment which has knocked me off my feet!

I’m tired. Tired of his excuses, shortcomings and disappointments.

After all of that, I’ve given up.

Exiting stage left.

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Part Deaux

 

It has been eight days since Rescue and I had our latest "incident", seven days
since we last saw each other, and six days since I apologized and two hours have passed
since he and I had what I hope was the beginning of a break through conversation.

Yes, I apologized and the reason why is simple:  Men and women think differently.

This is by no means a statement that has never been heard before, but at that moment when I pulled over to the side of the road and inhaled, then exhaled before making my call to him I realized this was the gospel truth.

Now before I go on to explain what on earth led to ME saying that I was sorry to HIM let me explain how things just seemed to come to a head all within a 72 hour period.

In part one of this fiasco in "He Can Blame Himself In the End" I mentioned my dissatisfaction with what seems like everything and just days before that, I basically felt like it was time to throw in the towel as I griped about "The Ah Ha Moment" with a feeling of utter failure when it comes to relationships.

I don't know how else to explain this wave of emotions that range from me preparing myself for life as a single woman again to wondering if everything we've been dealing with lately is really worth the stress and aggravation.  PMS, love and fear of failure would be the top three reasons right now.

For the most part, Rescue and I get along great.  I'm thankful there are no mood swings, excessive behavior like drinking, cursing or smoking and we are actually friends more than anything.  Yet at the same time the one issue with his marital status (you know, when is the divorce going to get under way) seemed like something I couldn't get past and now Rescue has created yet a second issue - the quality time factor.

Maybe the fact that I have never been involved (at least not knowingly) with a man who was not completely available is the problem, but I guess what I've been looking for is some type of money back guarantee about this divorce.  Rescue's reaction and the ridiculously aloof manner in which he responds to anything relating to his wife certainly qualify as grounds for immediate termination. I've mentioned to him a few times that he comes across as someone who has all the answers when being questioned about something as simple as the creation of his web site to being asked about this 6 month vs. 1 year dissolution process.  Just as our mutual friend of ours shared with me a few weeks ago he told Rescue that he should stop acting as if he knows it all and has everything figured out because obviously, the way he's struggling now - he doesn't know jack.

Instead of considering that maybe, just maybe, someone may be able to offer something he doesn't already know, he comes across as being a little defensive if he's being questioned on pretty much anything.  Rescue's complaint about me? That I have continued to ask him repeatedly (this is the third time) about the whole process and timelines and my complaint?  If you would answer the question directly the FIRST time, there wouldn't be a need for a second and obviously you failed with your reply because I needed to bring it up yet again.

Men and Women think differently.

The major fuss (his words) we had that Sunday of Labor Day weekend was bad, I mean really bad.  My fiery attitude and feelings of indifference had carried over from Saturday and when I hadn't really heard from him and did not see him later that night as I normally would, I pretty much had wiped my hands of the situation and had given up.  He must be hiding something because he is being so evasive.   Just when I'm feeling calm enough to sit down and have a talk with him, he figured I "needed space" and didn't come in that night and instead of giving me "time to think", he made things go from bad to worse.  So as I sat drinking my tears away with my girlfriend who had just dumped her boyfriend hours earlier, I did what you should never do when you're upset.

I started communicating by text message.  While drinking.

About three or four exchanges later I had to adjust my eyes to make sure I was seeing straight because he actually actually told me that (my line of questioning) "just too much for him" and suggested we "back off things a bit until things were finalized".  My reply?  "Okay, fine!"

Obviously, he wasn't expecting that kind of reply at all because he immediately said he didn't want to make any hasty decisions and suggested we stop the dialogue because otherwise we may end up doing the type of damage to the relationship that cannot be repaired.  Stop?  Hell no I didn't stop, the flood gates had been opened and I had been wanting to tell him the SAME thing for weeks since I felt me having to wait for HIM to get it together AND get all of his baggage taken care of was just too much for me.  Seeing him send those words suggesting a break was some what liberating because for once, I wasn't going to be the bad guy who ends things because it has always been me who has to do it.

After the last sip of my drink, I sent the last text which simply said "I hope whatever you're hiding was worth it because IT will be what caused the end of us".

Drums please.  Ring the bells.  Bang the cymbals.  Strike the piano chord.

It's over!

Okay, not exactly.

But I did stop responding, and he panicked.  He texted, he called, he texted, he called.  I did nothing and eventually turned the phone off.  I put on my tough girl-I'm-okay-I-saw-this-coming bravado as my friend asked me if I was okay.  Sure I was... until we parted ways; I got inside my car and cried.  Not the kind where tears are flowing and you're quietly weeping but the dry heave, chest caving in and out type of crying.  Obviously, I was not okay.

Monday comes and goes, quietly.  I put my clothes and poker face on and go on about my day with the nerve to post that I'd easily come to grips with the reality that this situation was just too much for me and pretending that a shopping trip and contact from two previous hangovers that same weekend was enough to help me easily get past this.

What was Rescue doing?  Not giving up as easily as I was trying to.  He continued calling, not as frequently as normal but he still would call.  A text here and there, a dry reply from me in return.  Monday night I cried myself to sleep but was too damn stubborn to just pick up the phone and call, tell him we can work through this and talk about when we were seeing each other again.  I wouldn't do it.  I figured I had enough of trying to talk to him, what's the point?

Tuesday, back to work.  Several times throughout the day I found myself in the bathroom, crying so at some point I realized I was either not ready for ANYTHING to be over or was developing a serious case of a bipolar condition.

Thankfully, it wasn't the latter and thankfully, I decided to make a telephone call that would shed a completely different light on this issue like never before.

I called someone who's opinion was golden and has been one of very few people who will stick it to me straight with no vaseline.  A person who has been married and divorced, in serious relationships and then at one point in life realized having friends was a much better fit.

I didn't dare call another girlfriend, I finally decided to call a man.  Within a matter of ten minutes I really and truly understood that MEN and WOMEN think differently.

Until there's a cure for the hangovers...

Carmen

He can blame himself in the end- Pt. 1

So much has transpired since my update last weekend. Of course, my girls who have seen me know the details of all that went down with me and Rescue and for you others – read it here because I simply don’t have the energy to rehash it.

That last line sounds like a state of defeat, doesn’t it?

As of today (Saturday) night, I have to admit to myself that something went away within the last couple of days. Saying that I’m no longer in love with Rescue would be a lie BUT saying I’ve lost THAT feeling is completely true.

You know what I’m talking about? I can’t really put it into words but if you’ve really cared about someone and your hopes and dreams for a future with them suddenly dissipated like water in a desert, you understand what I mean.

Things WERE okay with the two of us for about two days, on the surface at least.

Not to solid of an update right?

Well my emotions and feelings aren’t stable either, as I have been up and down, happy and sad, pissed and mad.

PMS is only magnifying my behavior by 1000%.

Relationship woes on top of everything else I’ve got to deal with? Like I said before, I’m just not cut out for it.

But before I go into details which will make this a two part post, let me first give the update:

Last Saturday morning, after a great love making session I was getting dressed. Had it in my mind that at some point during the long weekend I would gently present the 6 month question to see if Rescue had looked into it. The 6 months I’m referring to is the special exception for divorce filings in the state in which he was married vs waiting a full year after separation.

As he lay in bed partially asleep, I was a little disappointed that again, I was about to head out with child to a family function but without the feeling of a complete family. Let me clarify – me, significant other and child instead of it always being single parent and child. But I’m reasonable, I guess. He works a crappy shift at night, so needs sleep during the day, right?

So I quietly chastised myself for thinking so selfishly,figured I would leave any discussion about divorce alone for another couple of months, and finished dressing. I was okay and in a happy place. Until that fuc#er started receiving text messages, followed by him eventually making a call.

Moments later, he told the caller they would meet up in an hour or so to take care of some business and with that, he was out of bed. Feeling passed off was an understatement as my little patting motions of applying makeup suddenly turned into pounds on my face.

Hold on, don’t judge me. I know you’re thinking “at least the man is working AND doing things above and beyond to make money”, but hear me out. Rescue’s weak points from the FIRST time we were in a relationship dealt with time and girlfriend management. I totally understand the work and any extras, but hell – I have to always work around his odd off days during the week, but he can sacrifice daytime sleep hours without trying to work in a quick breakfast or movie break with me? THAT seems selfish, to me.

Okay, the time spent together just enjoying us hasn’t been there for the last couple of weeks and I know – he’s working hard to get back on his feet. Exactly my reasoning for why he should not have embarked on being in a relationship with me, especially with all of the s*it and baggage I’m having to get behind.

So anyway, he’s getting ready to shower in preparation for his meeting and in the calmest, friendliest and curious tone possible I asked “Have you and _______ talked about the 6 month separation agreement yet?”. He looked puzzled and replied “No”, and I asked him why not. “Because there’s nothing more for us to talk about; we know what needs to happen to get the divorce going and can’t do anything until after a year”. Uh, not exactly.

I proceeded to explain the information I had researched and before I could even finish my sentence, he says “It will get done; You’ve never been married before, you’ve never lived in _____, so I don’t know what you think you know from the Internet or some book, but there’s a process. He then kissed me on the cheek, turned and walked away and headed for the shower.

What the fu*k?? Did he walk away AND dismiss any information I had to share and sealed it with a kiss?

Pissed. Frustrated. Enraged. Disgusted. Annoyed.

There aren’t enough adjectives I can think of right now to describe how I was feeling.

I yelled out “well maybe your time line just doesn’t work for ME!”

Rescue didn’t hear all of what I said and came back out of the bathroom to talk. He’s not (that) dumb; he could tell from my facial expression that things were going from bad to worse in lightening speed.

In his defense, he DID try to talk things over with me as he started talking with a much more pleasant, and patient tone by saying “Listen to me Carmen, it will…” but I no longer heard his words and no longer saw him. Instead I heard my mind telling me “you tried” and I could no longer see him through eyes blurred by tears. Instead, I turned and walked away and we both finished dressing in silence.

Before walking out the door he says “so you’re not going to talk to me?”

I don’t know what happened after that because any other words he’d spoken were being received by MY back.

To be continued…

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

I’m not the only one!!!!

I’m not the only one!  Sadly, women having bad experiences with men and men having their hearts ripped to pieces by women is like an epidemic of sorts.  So I’ve decided to share a post from a fellow blogger on My Dating Hangovers each week.   

I mentioned in my very first post that the reason for me starting this venture (item # 12 on my bucket list) was to use it as a form of release, therapy if you will.  But the part I love the most?  Is having come across so many other blogs from some pretty talented people spanning from LA to Canada.  Saying this, I’m able to read their struggles from failed relationships and the dating scene and can not only relate, but learn.  I am a great woman and I deserve to be #1 in someone’s life.

Take a read of this repost from Single in My 30’s, fitting especially after I’d recently had my come to Jesus moment when ridding myself of GOP.  

Carmen ~

A Letter to A Love Lost & A Lesson Learned

January 23, 2011 by Solo @ 30Dear Mr. Etiquette:

 
 Sometimes in my weaker moments—like when I am watching a romantic movie with my family instead of the man who is supposed to be the one I am dating, or in those minutes when I am trying to fall asleep, or like today, in the shower when I have too much time to think—I find my mind falling on you. I wonder why I pushed you away and wonder if it’s part of my pattern. If it really is true that I push away the good men in my life…or if it’s true that I recognize the crazy and know when to break away to preserve my own sanity.

But today, in the shower, I remembered The Girl of Your Dreams. You remember her—the one you were secretly still in love with while we were dating and who you were ready to throw me under the bus for as soon as she said when. Even after I played host to your friends from Germany for over two weeks. Even after I spent five weeks with your children, both alone and with you, when they were here from Germany—when they made predictions I would be with you for years and years to come. Even after all that, as soon as GOYD, with her big breasts and her big purse that she spent on you out of guilt, like you were her gigolo, you pushed me away so you could “figure things out.”

 

You would still be “with her,” figuring things out if it weren’t for the big reveal. Wondering why she never had time for you on the weekends. Wondering why she only had a couple hours every few weeks for you, if you were lucky. Wondering why she spent time together with you texting and taking calls from everyone else. Wondering why you never met any of her friends or family.  Wondering why your relationship never felt like a relationship over the last almost two years—how only three to four months felt like magic. Yet you clung because she was young, the sex was fabulous after an intimacy-free marriage, she had the curves and you were flattered that she chased after you at first.

If you hadn’t accidentally found out she was engaged and set to marry someone else, you would still be pining, waiting, and keeping me pining, waiting on the side, while you tried to figure things out. You would still be calling me to spend time with on the weekends when GOYD didn’t show.

You claim that you never would have stayed so long, wasting your life if you had known GOYD had gone back to her boyfriend. But where were your self-respect, your dignity and your character?  You knew something was wrong for over a year and when she stopped sleeping with you and dropping you a check once a month six months earlier, surely you sensed the tides had changed. Yet you still wasted months lovesick waiting for her.

You recognized I made you feel special, you saw my great qualities and you were deeply attracted to me. Even when you were supposed to be “back together” with her, you came to me. Your kids loved me and you allowed them to feel like I was a part of family when they were here. Your friends welcomed me with open arms. My family welcomed you and your kids like family, which is what you always wanted. Yet you gave that up so easily for her. I don’t know why, except that a part of you was so broken, is still so broken.

You wondered why I gave up on us? I didn’t give up on us. You never allowed there to be an “us”—truly—the entire time we were together. When you finally found out GOYD was engaged and then, wife to someone else, then I became the one you punished for all GOYD’s sins. I had a life of my own, not GOYD’s, to live. 

nataliedee.com 

Maybe one day you’ll see that I am GOYD. Maybe one day you’ll see that not every woman is GOYD. Notice I used the word woman, not girl. Maybe one day you’ll realize you are a man who deserves more than someone who would use and abuse for two years of your precious life. I know I deserve more. 

I deserve to be someone’s #1. I deserve to be more than someone’s afterthought or one’s part-time girlfriend. I deserve to be able to live 100 percent of my life and be admired and praised for that.I thank you for helping to remind me of that.

Yours truly, SingleInMy30s