Suffering From Dating Burnout

If only I had the energy to share the plethora of events that took place this past weekend, and normally there is never a dull moment.  I accepted a double dog dare and ended up riding a mechanical bull for the first time, successfully managing to keep all body parts inside  of my clothing.  Next, I had the pleasure of taking in the sights of Marina del Rey while talking about real estate dreams in between several snack runs to a few 7 Eleven stores which led up to the closing ceremonies of the weekend where my fears of becoming the latest nightclub shooting casualty because someone had a crazy temper and hood mentality.
Oh- the last two are just teasers from my dates on Friday and Saturday so when waking up Sunday morning realizing that it would take two separate posts just to talk about that last crazy ass control freak I went out with, I also admitted that I am suffering from a bad  case of dating burnout.I need a break, a new vision and a different way of handling my dealings with the future hangovers.  But here’s the funny part – it isn’t just me.  I’m not the only one who decided to give the online dating scene another crack, so several of my friends and their friends are going through the same trials and tribulations.  Interesting contacts, great couple of conversations, those need-to-stop-obsessing-before-I-jinx things talk, leading up to the eventual meet ups, but sadly for nearly all of us,  things seems to fall apart from there.In fact, I decided to get together with a fellow blogger, MeSoSingleyesterday for a nice lunch as we chatted about everything from our ex-boyfriends, the disappointing pickings online, small penises and finally – settling.
Once I started telling the details from my two dates, I felt the urge to lean over and dab the tears that continued to well up in the corners of her eyes as MeSo continued to squeal “Shut up!!”, “No fuc_king way” and “Wow”.  Don’t worry, there was nothing tragically sad being shared; instead belly and cheek aching laughter which finally was topped off with musings about why I didn’t just walk off and leave both of these men.So after exchanging war stories, I decided I would change things up and take yet another approach to dating although I’m really ready to just give up.  Visions of me happily  powering up the computer, deleting every trace of my profile and then going  but a power up button away from deleting my profile and going out for that fancy tattoo on my arm that says “Bitter Spinster”.  Instead, the following 3 changes will help me to avoid experiencing any to avoid further burnout:
1.   Accept the truth, I DO have a type.

I don’t like short men (nothing under 5’8), thin or skinny (I weighed more than Saturday night’s date), overweight (Friday night’s date straight up lied saying he had “a couple of extra pounds”, or men with long hair (braids, locks or ponytails).

Appearance DOES matter, so I will no longer try to “work with” someone whose photo does absolutely nothing for me. Long gone are the assumptions, hopes, or fantasies that a man has just taken a few bad pictures (sorry, if you can’t get at least 5 out of 30, its hopeless) and he’ll look better in person.  I simply will not entertain any communication and save both he and I precious time and energy.

My type of man is nicely groomed,  formally educated or self-educated from reading and life experiences.  He is driven, has a career with aspirations for more out of life, has class, tact, and is  cultured.  Converses (NOT conversates) well and is job function friendly,  meaning I wouldn’t have to worry about how he would dress or act if taken out of his element. He does exist and my likes and expectations are not unreasonable, so the more I stop trying to short change myself by working under some mystic time line of finding the right one for me, the easier this process will be.

Gone are the pity replies and communications.  If the man has one too many children, is still “trying to get that hustle going” with no other income, lives at home or splits the rent, has shirt less mirror shots or poses with a wife beater and gold chain, is holding his rottweiler up, still won’t write the word “cool” instead of “kool” because of his old gang banging days, has a profile name that has daddy, boo, money, ray ray, day day, or simply spells like a dyslexic gypsy, and has “must be physically fit” listed but is looking three cheeseburgers from needing bypass, next!!!!!!!!!!  No passes, absolutely no more.

You see, I’ve been listening to that inner bitch who has been talking with “those” people.  You know the ones who are in relationships or married and settled for a hell of a lot less than what I’m seeking.  Yet because they may have that steady and comfortable situation for weekend, holidays and events, those of us like me are being given that sorry “Good luck with your search” spill.  Pssh, whatever.

2.  The intent of my search will change.

This one really sounds like a point of defeat, since I’m basically preparing to take the “serious” out and go for “casual dating”.  I really feel as if I’m spinning my wheels because my profile is written to attract a certain type of man.  Not the one who is looking for the pen pal, jump off or random fling, but for the man who is serious about his desire to settle down and find his partner – not a girlfriend or even a wife.  Take the time to think about this, because you know there’s a difference between pursuing all three.  Still, I have to admit I may be selling me self short trying this out but what have I got to lose?  When putting my long-term desires out there I attract those who aren’t interested in the same and want to “let things flow naturally” or as I prefer to call it, winging it and try getting some ass on the side. Or I attract the ones who are way too eager who obsess over the idea of being with me and turn me off like smelly socks rubbed on my pillow.

As soon as I’m able, my profile will be revised drastically to reveal only the basics.  I think it was the date from last week who told me that women share too much and said we need to stick to the less is more approach.  No longer will it say “interested in marriage or serious relationship” because I’m just feeling like that is a quest for a purple unicorn with pink toenails.  But don’t get it twisted because this is not a sign of permanent defeat, yet a temporary measure only.  Maybe setting a goal of having a date at least every two weeks was a bit much (my Tally Diva set a goal for once a week!), because I have no problem with quantity but as the saying goes, its about quality.  For time being, if its a matter of just wanting to get out and see the latest movie, trying out those Culver City stairs or going wine tasting, I’ll connect with those who are appealing and interesting to me.

3.  Keep the kitty satisfied.

What, because I’m not in a relationship with someone, vagina vacation should be in place?  Absolutely not and while I love my battery operated companions like Cici, Carmen (yes, actual name), and Stubby G, nothing compares to the smell, taste and feel of a real man.

Sex is a must, a necessity and I have realized the older I get, the bigger my appetite is and the options?  There has NEVER been a shortage of willing suitors.  Papi is always on stand by, waiting like a fireman for me to pull on that lever and make the call for him to break out his hose.   He’s harmless and is the one who I credit for waking up the handcuff requesting, gentle choking, multi-orgasmic and voyeuristic tendencies alive in me to this day.  Papi has been keeping things exciting for over 14 years.

Of course there’s Rescue and hey- sometimes I might have missed a posting or two, but he and I have been locking limbs off and on since our November break-up.  We make love, passionately and fiery BUT he can no longer be used, not even for that purpose.  Being in love with someone and trying to use them as a booty call is just dangerous and I will miss our moments something terrible.

So that leaves me with one option to soothe me at the end of a long week, or tame the angry tigress after another failure of a date.  The one who has sealed his place in the top 5 lovers of all time – Good on Paper.  Oh yes, him.  He can be quite the obedient one and works well as a f%#k buddy as long as no one tries to add any extras.

In fact, just as MeSoSingle and I were wrapping things up and she decided she would deal with the cute, immature young surfer dude since he had a nice package! I was sending the bat signal to GOP- “I need you at my house in 45 minutes.  Make it happen, understand?”  His reply came within a few minutes and simply stated “Sure”.  A short while later he’s at my door and I’m greeting him in a t shirt and panties but saying I wanted to shower first.  His reply?  I just came from the gym, so let’s shower together.   Since this Sunday evening tryst would take this post in a completely different direction, let me just refer you to one of the last times we “showered” together and leave you with this – boot camp training is making me a lot more limber nowadays.  Mmm… Just the thought of our session makes my mind wander to places it shouldn’t while at the gym, but my song play list is picking up where my mind has left off.

There it is – my recipe for dealing with the burnout from over dating, dealing with the disappointments from the hangovers.  My type is my type, my preferences will not be wavered, my vagina will not be subjected to more mileage by any random dates I may have the hots for.  No batteries will be needed except for supplemental fun to my occasions of intimacy.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones




A Year of Dating Hangovers

One year.  365 days. 53 weeks. 

Several template revisions, three “About Me” rewrites, many lessons learned.

118 posts.  1,071 comments.  Thousands of Spam messages. 

Encounters with an estimated 26 men.  Total of 26 disappointments with men.

Countless expletives.  Many headaches.  Several arguments.  One heartache.

 Happy Blogoversary My Dating Hangovers!

I’m not quite sure how to feel knowing an entire year has passed since I first entered the world of blogging.  Although I started this as a hobby of sorts, to get my feet wet in the realm of online journaling, at times I wondered if I kept knocking down the different men I had encountered to give me a reason to continue writing.

I also wondered if I may have jinxed what I thought could be the end of my dating hangovers by continuing to chronicle what was happening in my relationship with Rescue.  That only stayed in my mind for a moment as I realized it was the person and not the blogging which puts me in the position I am in today.

Unknown relationship Single status.

Here’s an excerpt from my first post a year ago, November 17, 2010:

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at, 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.  On to the next!

I just realized that the way that introduction was written, it didn’t sound as if I had any intentions on finding the RIGHT ONE, instead I simply said “on to the next” and that is exactly what I got.  The next hangover.  Over and over and over again.

The past year has been filled with a lot of strange experiences and moments, and although I’m one week fresh off of hearing what sounded like a statement for re-election (you know – say everything the people want to hear), I can’t say that I haven’t had times I enjoyed the company I was in and the love in my heart from reconnecting with my past.

But hey– that type of tone isn’t the purpose of an anniversary now is it?  Nope, not at all.  Instead, it’s a celebration and a trip down memory lane so for your viewing pleasure (especially to the newer stalkers readers) a timeline and trip through My Dating Hangovers (November 2010 – November 2011):

Okay, so I didn’t exactly take the time to figure out how to PROPERLY insert the time line but you get the picture!

In addition to having chuckled, snorted and laughing out loud reviewing the timeline, I figured I’d pick out my favorite posts or topics:

 Top 5 Favorite Posts  

 –          Until Something Better Comes Along

–          Choosing a Life Partner

–          The Dating Resume

–          Dating the Single Parent

–          Never Date a Religious Hypocrite


Top 5 Men I Wish I Never Met

 –          Sybil’s Brother

–          Ghetto 2Pac

–          Good on Paper

–          Full Metal Jacket

–          Tupperware Man (don’t ask – I totally forgot about him but trust, he’s nuts!)



Top 5 Moments to Remember


–         Reunionw/Rescue

–          Prince concert w/Rescue

–          First date with Tall Glass of Wine

–          First date with USBC

–          Bedroom encounter w/Black Russian




And finally – two mini statements from the two men whose company I truly enjoyed and had figured out one of the small secrets to my happiness was laughter:

Tall Glass of Wine:

How often is it that you can meet someone who is able to carry on great
conversation, knows how to behave at the dinner table, can get down on the
dance floor, knows how to hold their liquor AND also loves Prince?

And of course…

Rescue 911:

Rescue makes me happy, makes me laugh, understands me, is affectionate, a great lover, communicates with me, shares his dreams, likes Prince, accepts me and all my flaws, understands my love of a wig collection, and above all – is my friend.

So what’s next?

I haven’t a clue but I DO know I would much rather have a blog titled “Let’s Stay Together”.

Searching for the cure…

Carmen Jones


Did we make up or WHAT?


  “You really need to update the blog so your readers know this is what really happens when you’re dealing with relationship issues”.

 I wouldn’t expect to hear something like this from a man, and especially not Special Agent but this is what he told me when I shared that there was a little more than “talking” when Rescue and I saw each other last week.

Oh wait – I guess I should mention that I told Special Agent about this face to face.  While on my weekend getaway with the girls down in his neck of the woods, he drove up to the resort making it our second time seeing each other in nearly a year.  Of course, there are plenty of details from our encounter but I’ll save those for another time.    


 Sharing all that went down would be quite interesting, but as long as he destroys that awful blackmail photo he took of me, the details will remain locked away.  

Now – back to Rescue but first, let me say this.  Apparently some people feel as if I’ve been holding out on details like I’m trying to create some type of cliffhanger when I’m posting and believe me, this isn’t the case.  If you’ve been reading for a while then you know I can be a bit winded (especially if I’m writing about certain men), so after it takes me about ten minutes to do spell check if I’m posting from my Blackberry OR notice there are 3 or more pages if posting from a computer, to me – that means I need to create two separate posts.   My point?  Get over it and wait until I’m able to write more.  =)

 Alright, so as Special Agent reminded me with a twinge of disappointment once he heard that the talk transitioned to something more physical, here’s what went down last week when after over a month, I saw Rescue.

 He talked, I listened.  I mean really listened.

 SocialLyte and my girlfriend Kim both suggested that I tone my attitude down, try not to be combative and take some of that Carmen bite out of the equation once I saw Rescue.  I actually did this and really exercised the art of communicating with a non-combative, non-aggressive type of personality.

 As I mentioned last time, Rescue’s timing was perfect, for him.  When he called me it was after I had the chance to decompress from the day’s activities and two glasses of wine later, I was mellow Jell-O.  Had he called and stopped by two days earlier?  Trust me, the conversation would have gone down completely differently and it would not have ended very well.

He called me and said it was important that he talk to me and about thirty minutes later was at my door.  I’m chuckling now because another friend told me Rescue would likely show up “looking all good”, and it would go down from there.  I have to admit – when I opened the door and saw him standing there I was thinking “Damn, he looks nice”.   

Rescue wasn’t dressed up or anything; he simply had on a black shirt, dark blue jeans and a hat.  Very simple but he can wear nearly anything well.  The bonus?  He’d let his facial hair grow in and was working the hell out of his goatee and beard.  Hmm.

Silly me.  I figured the absence of parking outside would save me from doing the one thing I said would NOT happen.  When he asked if he could park in the garage and come in, I told him no – this forced him to park in the drive way.  In my mind this was a bonus because it meant he wasn’t coming in and the conversation wouldn’t be too long, so I grabbed a coat and some shoes and walked out towards his car. 

Armed with my “just listen, don’t relent” attitude, I sat in the car with my arms folded and that expression that said I was only there to hear him out and so it began. 

When I say Rescue did almost everything right, I mean it.  He opened up the conversation by apologizing.  Acknowledging that it was his way of communicating that caused this situation and acknowledging everything my suspicions had assumed about why he shut down the way he did. 

He told me that he was not letting me go and refused to give up.  When he came back toCaliforniahe had one purpose with me and that was to be together, making me his last.

He told me that in spite of me having apologized for the last blow up over the whole divorce situation, that argument we had on Labor Day really put his mind in a different place.  He felt vulnerable and figured at any time I could tell him not to come over anymore and even added he realized the same could happen with his good friend he’d been staying with.

He told me that even though I told him I was willing to work with him while he rebuilt his life; he felt less than a man because he wanted to give me the world and couldn’t even take care of himself or his family obligations. 

He told me that he had to fall flat on his a$$ and had to do it alone.  Now he has a new direction and an actual vision instead of just living in survival mode.  He’s going back to school after realizing that getting back into firefighting or some other related type of work just isn’t feasible in this economy so he’s learning a new skill.

He told me there was never another woman, reminding me again that he’s only interested in one and that was me.

He told me he would like me to give him a chance to prove that he’s worth it, to work with him and not give up on the relationship.

He told me that he wants to be married to me and wants another child.

Out of everything that he told me while we sat there was important, touching and things that I wanted and needed to hear.  Occasionally, I would glance over and really look into his eyes to make sure that all that he was saying wasn’t some scripted game, but what I saw, heard and felt was sincerity.

Above all, I loved hearing that he was my friend and that he’d missed that.  A lot.

Certainly, you don’t think I just sat there the entire time listening and not saying anything!  Rescue had the opportunity to get everything out and when he was done, he asked me to at least think about it and said he was in no position to expect me to answer right then and there, nor could he expect me to say yes.  I had a lot to say in between pauses and especially at the end, something like a closing argument.

 I told him he had really messed things up and while I know blaming one person isn’t conducive of working things out, I couldn’t help it because I was hurt, angry and completely disappointed.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he hadn’t learned the art of communicating within a relationship and that I couldn’t determine if taking another chance on him suffering from some type of set back, that he wouldn’t do the same thing again.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he did not TRUST me and reminded him of something I said when we first started dating again.   I told him that I was willing to do something I would never consider doing – being with someone who is not only married, but at the time had no place of his own to live and had no job.  I reminded him that my exact words were “I believe in you; I knew you before when you had all of those things and I remember how good you treated me, so I know you’ll get back to where you were”.  He let his insecurities over ride anything I’d promised to him.

I told him that I loved him and that was something that hadn’t changed, but had been tainted with so many negative feelings I couldn’t say how I would be able to deal with him in the future.

This was definitely a conversation for the books but I am proud of myself.  For once after having ended a relationship by telephone or text, I actually had a face-to-face meeting with the man I was involved with to listen to what he had to say.

I don’t know if I wanted to cry or slap him (I warned him that the latter was a strong urge and suggested he brace himself), but at some point I was finished listening.  I told Rescue it was getting late and was going back inside, and when he offered to walk me to the door, figured I was just going to take some time to process all that had been said.

In his true gentleman fashion, he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and wished me a good evening.  I thanked him, closed the door and that was it.

Okay, not exactly.

I sat on the couch for about a minute and sent a text to a friend telling her I finally saw him, that he left without incident but that I really didn’t want him to go.  My comment to her was “guess I’m not so tough after all” and she replied “you have a heart and you can’t deny that” and told me I should let him know. 

I sent a simple text to him telling him I really didn’t want him to leave and he asked if he should come back, so of course my reply was YES.

This time he knocks on the door, smiling when I open and hand him the remote to the garage.  A few moments later, he’s inside and we’re sitting on the sofa when I jokingly tell him he got off easy with that talk because all of the questions I had prepared in my mind weren’t even brought up.  Then I told him he had some nerve to show up after all that had happened empty handed.  He looked at me and started chuckling and asked if I wanted him to go outside and cut off one of the bird of paradise flowers and calling his bluff, I said yes.

He gets up, grabs a pair of scissors and disappears outside the door but damn – he was gone for a while. 

I figured he was just standing there, thinking when he comes back inside with one arm behind his back.  He walks over to me, kisses me on the forehead and says “Baby, I am so sorry and I love you” and gives me some of the prettiest flowers.   We laughed at the gesture because it was so dramatic and over the top, but these types of silly moments are what I miss the most.

By the way, I didn’t realize until a few days later that he’d gone halfway down the block to get those flowers.  =)

Can you blame me for what happens next? 

After all of this, it’s almost 10pm and it’s pretty chilly.  I tell him he can stay for an hour longer and then he has to leave, and we head back to the bedroom.  We’re laying down, talking, keeping our hands to ourselves and then he kissed me.

It was all over after that because it was one of those kisses that sends shock waves throughout your entire body and leaves you feeling all tingly.  He’s kissing me, rubbing my face, stroking my hair and whispering in my ear.

I always said making love to Rescue was the best, hands down but this time?  I don’t think I can really put into words how that felt and even as I write this, I can’t explain it.

Yes, I did the one thing you should not do when you’re talking to an ex about a possible reconciliation (though I honestly don’t think Rescue ever accepted that HE was single).  Having done that blurs the efforts of concentrating on the issues and whether any of them had been resolved and IF any of those unresolved could be items you can work with.

So as of right now, I can’t even say that we even made up.  I DO feel better that he’s no longer on my “most hated” list and I DO feel better that we can at least talk to each other.  However, I’m not expecting much to come of this.  

I have no expectations for anything to happen, no desire to be asked out to dinner with him, nothing.  In fact, my follow up conversation with him will consist of me suggesting he keep me in his life but as a friend only because right now, that’s all that he can handle since my expectations in a relationship cannot be met.


I think I’m still searching for the cure to the dating AND relationship hangovers…

Carmen ~












A Week of Revelations










A Week of Revelations

Only time will tell what happens with him or any of these other three OR any of the others I didn’t have time to mention here.”

 I guess the most appropriate place to begin this post is by starting where I left off.  It’s been a little over a week since I last posted and other than the occasional feelings of disappointment, reasoning and a slew of other thoughts and random emotions, not much has really happened directly.  Meaning, I’ve finally taken my own advice of just sitting back and observing what is transpiring in my life when it comes to men. 

I even (get ready) stayed (yep, here it comes) home (really, I did) on one of the busiest (behind New Years and 4th of July) weekends for partying (here comes the scary part) and carefully reviewed the actions of each of those mentioned in A Tale of Four Men.

I really have problems keeping things succinct, but I’ll try. 

First up…….

Rescue 911 – “Ah….no wonder.  It’s in his nature even if he’s no longer doing it not to let things perish.  He may be thinking he can douse just enough water to smolder the fire and in his mind, he’s not letting something die”.   This was something Tall Glass of Wine said to me while we were sharing battlefield survival break up stories on our way to the Foo Fighters concert.  I told him I didn’t understand why after being told repeatedly “It’s not working”, “I don’t want to be with you”, “You’re unable to deal with me in a relationship” and every other phrase you could imagine why he would not give up.

He loves me. 

Without a doubt, I know that Rescue loves me from my almond shaped eyes to my swollen foot.  He’s never had any problems expressing how he feels and what he wants with me on down the road.  Still, his inability to handle life challenges and adversity?  His inability to communicate with the person he’s with?  His inability to see that you trying to go through your battles privately when you are in a relationship is a surefire way to end up SINGLE?  Rescue doesn’t get any of this.  It’s like trying to teach someone without fingers how to quickly tie their shoes.

We are quickly approaching a month – an entire month since I have seen him and I’ll guarantee you this, it isn’t due to lack of trying to connect with me on his part.  He’s tried to talk to me (I’m too annoyed or pissed to accept his calls with the exception of ONE on Friday).  He’s come by the house twice that I know of (and while I don’t know if he’s tried, I’m a little tickled by the thought of his expression trying what he thinks is the door key).  He has texted me asking when we can sit down and talk.  All requests, ignored.  He’s doing just enough not to let that imaginary person or building perish in a fire.  Rescue is acting like a rescuer.

I have those random moments when I may respond and engage in a textversation but it never leads to anything too promising.  I’m thinking back to a comment one of the readers made last week when she said “any response is still a response” but in my mind, this is how I’m slowly weaning myself off the nipple.

Admittedly, there have been a few things that have struck a chord with me to think “Hmm, maybe I should just see him and hear him out”.  Maybe.

The jury is still out but things don’t look promising for a turnaround with this situation at all.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

Good on Paper – You’ll be happy to know that this update will be brief.   Very brief indeed as I have nothing to provide by way of details.  I have not heard anything further from this hangover and must say, he’s consistent and predictable.  I kind of like that.  GOP puts it out there what he’s looking for (booty) and is behaving as such to avoid any confusion about what the situation is (none of those “how are you” calls or texts in the meantime).  I’m okay with not hearing from him and am praying that my hormones cooperate with me and don’t lead to a reunion with him anytime soon.

 I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

 Tall Glass of Wine – By the end of last week I realized what his story was – he’s bored.

Yes, I said bored.  This guy ended his relationship the day before I ended mine, but had been so intertwined with his ex-girlfriend and her children his days were pretty full. 

I never really asked for the details, but knowing he’s an active “get up and go” type of guy, I’m figuring they spent their free time on outings be it bike riding, hiking, movies, dinner, you name it.  I did mention long ago that Tall Glass liked to have a good time and expense rarely seemed to be a problem.

So when he calls me on a Tuesday night…. Let me pause here for a moment.  It’s a Tuesday night (only two days into a new week), a school night (he is fully aware that I have an underage child, not a latchkey kid WITH homework), knowing I wake up at the crack of dawn for work.  Unpause.  …saying “Hey, let’s go grab some sushi”, I was like huh?  I replied “Uh, you know I’m not a sushi nut like you though I’ll eat cucumber rolls all night but did you forget about my little one over here?”  “Oh.  Yeah.  My bad.”

I thanked Tall Glass for the invite and reminded him that unlike his last situation, I didn’t have teenagers and even so, I needed a little more notice on a week night to get myself ready.  I’ve got no problems with spontaneity but to an extent, you know?

Later that evening he sends me a text apologizing and saying he realizes how different his life is now that he ended things with his ex.  I told him that means he needs to figure out what he really wants to do that makes him happy without having to tie his freedom from boredom to another person.  That pretty much ended the texting that night and it turned me off a little.  Tall Glass is attempting to use me as some sort of filler.

Sunday night around 7pm he sends me a text message asking if I wanted to catch a movie.  I replied “that’s what I mainly use my Friday and Saturday night’s for, Sunday’s is more of a family day” to which he replies “I guess I’ll go by my lonesome self and enjoy it”.  Huh?  I jokingly (yeah right, a girl was serious as a heart-attack) replied back “maybe it’s time to do the family thing too” certainly not expecting him to send back “I had one with the ex”.

Damn, and I thought I was having issues with my break up.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

That leaves me with just one more of the fantastic four (and I say this with all of the cynicism my soul can bare):  Special Agent.

I just scrolled back up for a moment to see how I was working on my succinctness?  Fail.

 How can I quickly summarize the things I’ve noticed with Special Agent in this last week?

 I can’t.

 I’ll have to come back with a follow up because there were a few eyebrow raising moments and I called him on each and every one of them.  In addition, I have a couple of theories about him.  I’m not saying they’re all bad or anything but definitely things to note.

Something funny he told me after reading last week’s post is that he felt I was holding back because I knew he was reading and this is the furthest thing from the truth.  In fact, I’m tempted to e-mail links to ALL posts about Rescue to him so he can read about how he’s responsible for the demise of his relationship.  Tempting, very tempting.

I digressed, now back to Special Agent.  Again, nothing will be withheld, especially not from him.  He comes across as the type of man who is a man’s man – will take being sliced across the hand without so much as a wince just to prove a point that he’s – well, a man.  So anything that is being written about him here (unless he specifically requests that I leave out or simply not mention something that is personal or privy), he’d better be kicking back in his office, feet on the desk and glasses on ready to suck it up.

I definitely sat back and observed this one, making notes of what has occurred.

More to come.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers….

 Carmen ~

A Tale of Four Men

Blame the bastards at Hewlett Packard for my delays in posting!  Yes, my laptop is truly on its last leg and I haven’t been able to access the Internet in almost two weeks.  Of course there’s the back-up plan using the Blackberry tool but it’s just easier in front of a real computer to spew out these different thoughts going through my head.

I hope you’re ready to read and are NOT reading from a cell phone; otherwise a carpal-tunnel like sensation will develop from scrolling.

Let’s go!

Currently, there are four men I’ve been in contact with.  Any real contenders for anything?  I’m not sure but from the sign of things, probably not.  So sit back and get ready to hear A Tale of Four Men.

The Tale of Rescue 911

It’s has now been 10 days now since I informed Rescue that his services were no longer needed and although I have been refusing to take any of his calls and have only been responding sporadically with some flippant text or reply to one of his, I do miss him.  I’m human.  I accept that and realize if I was able to go on about my business as if he was nothing but a casual fling, useless toy with a nice appendage or just something to do, I really wasn’t into the relationship or him as much as I claim to have been.  Any regrets?  I don’t think my ego will admit to any real actions but perhaps I should have waited and shopped around a bit for a lower price to change the door locks?

Texting a break-up message?  Tasteless, I know.  I blame the advent of technology and our reliance on it because many of us are guilty of doing a little too much in our dating situations and relationships by telephone.  What happens next?  I don’t know which is quite disturbing to me because I’m normally so level headed, hard nosed and able to make definitive (though hasty) decisions about most things in life.  Time will tell, but for now, whether Rescue knows/accepts it, I am considering myself a single woman.

 The Tale of Good on Paper

For those of you who are familiar with this hangover – go ahead, gasp and ask “What the hell??!!!!!”.  Those of you wondering how “GOP” became one of those infamous bandits on a page of this blog, you can read about him here and here  .  My brain is a little foggy right now, so I can’t really recall when, but at some point as Rescue and I started our decent from “hooray” to “ugh”, GOP just poof – started contacting me out of the blue.  In fact, I would even go so far as to say the day of a bad argument, he either sent me a text or an e-mail.

Nothing obtrusive, but he was definitely putting the feelers out there.  Shortly thereafter, we spoke on the telephone (go ahead and gasp again, an ACTUAL phone call baby!) playing the “how have you been” game.  You know how it goes:  Each person talks about things going well with work, family and life and then the question about whether either of you are involved with someone etc…  I readily told GOP that I was in a relationship but told what my child says is just a little lie.  When asked if it was anything serious, I told him no, not really adding that the person I was involved in had some issues to work out on his own.  It was the truth, right?

Fast forward beyond that conversation, GOP asked about meeting up for coffee to catch up and just hang out and I agreed that was fine to meet up as friends.  I ducked and dodged, had different commitments and made no time to make a meet up happen and soon after, started ignoring any other texts and e-mail messages.

But of course, he never really went away and instead acts more like a bad virus of something, lying dormant until ready to attack.

 A week before I left for my vacation and had given Rescue the pre-warning of his demise by telling him the relationship wasn’t working, GOP arose from his dormant state and engaged in discussion once again only this time, I told him things were over.  I even went so far to say that I no longer wanted to meet men with hopes of being in a relationship, nor was I looking for any random flings.  I just wanted to be friends because it seems much easier and less confusing and most definitely, less work.  He reminded me recently that he remembers this conversation vividly, but that he NEVER agreed to the friends part.

Where are we now?  He’s counting down the days for a shower reunion.

I told him last week to give me 30 days before we even saw each other because I wanted to make sure that he was not being used as the rebound for whatever might happen when we reconnected.  We already know what that means.  Trust me, there was never a dull moment when GOP and I “played” and while this post  only scratches the surface, I think you can get an idea on the great times had by all.

 22 days left. 

 The Tale of Tall Glass of Wine

So much has transpired with Tall Glass in the last couple of weeks and it’s been all good.  I’ll have to save the many conversations we’ve had before, during and after the Rescue drama for another post because I can see this one is going to be a long one.  Long story short?  I feel rejuvenated.  He’s really a good guy and I even had nice things to say about him in the this post and this post about elements of a great date as well.

Tall Glass will always be known for his class and ability to just relax, let down his hair (okay, I’m exaggerating, he’s bald) and show a woman a great time.  He is silly as hell, makes me laugh and has a very important quality that I think every person should have, something Rescue did NOT – he has a passion.  In fact, Tall Glass is passionate about many things, especially outdoor activities like mountain biking and of course, snowboarding.

Of course, if they sound too good to be true – they normally are because “I Think I’ve got Commitment Issues”  tells you why he didn’t make the cut.  We were/are just looking for two different things in life which is okay, but why waste time with someone who is focused on something you are not or vice versa? So meanwhile, I’ll accept the situation for what it is and no – we’ve not gone there but I think it’s a matter of simply enjoying each others company.

I love Prince, he loves Prince.  He loves the Foo Fighters, I like trying different things and accompanied him their concert and really liked it.  He’s a Jay-Z nut, I’m a die-hard fan and I just might have to give him more than a hug for getting a ticket for ME for the upcoming concert.  Yay!!!!!!

 Last but not least…..

 The Tale of The Special Agent

First of all, there are a couple of things that make Special Agent stand out and the most glaring of them all is that he is the ONLY hangover who has been invited to read.  Yes, I told him about the blog and even pointed him to his very own page affectionately titled “Another One Bites The Dust”.    Sometimes I wish I could direct all of the hangovers to the blog so they read about what they did to fu%k things up.  Real talk.

The second is he’s quite the intellect and I have to say I was oddly aroused when he told me he was working on a book outlining the “how to” of dating from the perspective of the line of work he’s in.  Pretty interesting stuff.  Anyway, Special Agent and I have been texting back and forth for a couple of weeks now.  Nothing too specific in any of the exchanges and more small talk then anything until about a couple of weeks ago, in fact the day after the whole “it’s over”/door locks changed debacle.

Of all people to share the details about how your relationship ended, why tell someone you possibly may have considered a strong contender when you first met?  Well, I guess because I felt comfortable telling him and knew he was smart enough to be able to see the situation from the perspective of a man AND a woman.  So since that conversation, the exchanges and attempts to talk via telephone have increased some what and…..

And nothing.

As I started at the beginning of this book (I swear, I’m stopping after this), I can’t really say that that any of these exchanges with the hangovers means anything or is going anywhere.   What I can truly appreciate about Special Agent is his honesty (sometimes brutal) about things, so I was equally honest when he asked if he was completely out of the loop so far as any possible/future consideration and said no.  I did, however, remind him that his actions are exactly like Rescue’s and while I certainly can’t compare apples to oranges, he did the same thing.  Whatever the reasoning may be, Special Agent decided that avoidance, vagueness and going radio silent was how HE handled me instead of simply saying he was busy, frustrated or not interested.

 Most importantly is something he told me on Sunday;  he said “regardless of what your friends say or any people who comment on the blog, only you can make the decision based on what you feel is the best thing to do.  Then you’ll be satisfied with the choice you made without having to question it”.   I could have hugged him for that because sometimes we get so caught up in trying to solicit feedback and opinions on very important matters.   I love that he understood that and without considering that could either push me further from Rescue or inch me BACK in his direction, it was something I needed to hear.

 Still, a glaring asterisk remains on his bio.

Only time will tell what happens with him or any of these other three OR any of the others I didn’t have time to mention here.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers….

Carmen Jones

A new day

Cost for an after hours locksmith- $84
Feeling okay the day after a break up-PRICELESS.

Saturday was quite interesting. As I woke up and started preparing food for a potluck, I wondered about my plan of action.

I was so over the “how come you won’t just talk to me” or the “your actions make no sense” and especially the “you say you need and love me but I don’t see it” type of conversations. These were pretty much common place for about a month with Rescue.

I called our mutual friend as I was pulling out of the driveway and asked “is your buddy there?”, and once I heard “no, he’s already gone”, I felt that familiar twinge. That feeling that reminded me why I was ready to be done.

Rescue finds time to go to the moon, Mars and circle back to Neptune before returning to earth and simply refuses to deal with me. He doesn’t like confrontation or arguments, I get that but how he’s avoided a “come to Jesus” moment about the relationship was just… Unacceptable. Asinine. Stupid.

As I started my drive towards the 405 on what was an absolutely beautiful day, I pondered how to go about getting my house key back again. Yes, I said again. Don’t judge me but after that amazing tune-up session (known as mind-blowing missed you sex), I gave it back to him with a warning not to fuc# up again.

Low and behold a few days later, he was fuc#king up. Again.

So I wondered if going to his job and waiting, then jumping out of my car like a scene out of a movie titled “This Bitch Is Crazy” would be a good move. Nah, not my style.

Instead, at the end of the day I made up my mind that I was ready to the relationship that should have NEVER been.

It shouldn’t have existed because Rescue has enough baggage to be charged a premium rate by an airline at check-in.

It shouldn’t have existed because I made it to easy. History or not, he had to do no courting, no romancing and no dating to get me back in his arms.

And for goodness sake, it sure as hell should not have existed because separated still means married!!!!!

At 8:35pm, there was a knock on the door and ten minutes later and $84 dollars broker, I had completed step one.

By 8:42pm, the last part of my text message (yeah, shitty to do it that way but oh well!) was sent to Rescue.

What the hell – here it is:

“Hey, guess what?

I’m finally doing it!

I realized that you either think I’m a damn fool or YOU are just crazy.

I figure any man who would string a woman along, making her absolutely miserable and even a little crazy, is not the man for me.

AND you probably are the type who doesn’t end things but wait for the woman to do it.

I’ve given you more than enough time to take at LEAST and hour and have a face-to-face with me but you have failed for a month.

So since you want to carry on like you’re a single man, let me help you.

I do NOT want YOU in my life anymore.

Good luck to you Rescue.”

As my Florida Diva said, that was empowering and let me just say this – while my feelings were true and I loved that man with all I had, I woke up with a clear head and felt not a twinge of sadness. Not one iota.

You see, I realized that it’s okay to hope for someone wonderful. A person who makes you feel good, gives you hope that though you may have encountered plenty of losers in your dating journeys, not all men/women are bad. It’s okay to be hopeful that you can fall head over heels in love and hope for a future with someone.

Nothing wrong with hoping at all.

But out of everything I’ve experienced dealing with Rescue these last 8 months is that ignoring your gut is a recipe for failure. Accepting a person’s situation that is completely foreign and normally unacceptable to you IS settling.

Oh- and about that giving someone a key because you feel the relationship has progressed to that point? Never again.

House keys will only be exchanged when me and the man I’m in a relationship with are cohabitation on a place we have together as future or current husband and wife.

I’ve learned several lessons the hard way and while I didn’t act like Stella and get my groove back while in Jamaica, I sure as hell am ready to make a smooth transition back to the single life in LA!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…


Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

A few hours later…

Great minds think alike! Esme, you’re so right.

Fu#k these men with all of their issues.

I decided at 2:25pm this afternoon that Rescue needs to be rescued. Pun intended.

I told a friend a few weeks ago we need to stop dealing with these dog pound-caliber of men.

Yes, I said dog pound. They’re cute, you want to cuddle them and even though they’re tattered and beat up from life events, some of us feel the need to rescue them.

So last night, I accepted a last minute invitation to see a Foo Fighters concert with….. Tall Glass of Wine.

And a great time was had by all!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers.


Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Before the trip

I just got my house key back from Rescue.

The last message I’d sent was pretty stern as I said a little something like “I don’t want to talk to you” and “leave the car running, I’ll meet you at the door”.

So there he was, looking as handsome as ever with a puppy dog look on his face to match mine, waiting with key in hand.

Here’s how I envisioned things would go:

Carmen stands with hands on hips in the door way, one eyebrow cocked in the air with a disgusted look. Rescue walks up and she says “my key”, quickly extends her right hand, gets the key then smugly says “about time” then turns on her heel. Just as she’s about to close the door, Carmen yells “we are DONE!”

Yeah, sounds like a nice dramatic ending from the girlfriend who had been neglected for two and a half weeks. But uh, it didn’t quite go down like that.

Instead, Rescue walks up to the door steps, extends the key and when I go to reach for it, quickly grabs me and we hug.

I mean really, embrace is more fitting of a description.

As my chest is pressed into his and Rescue’s arms are wrapped tightly like a young baby being swaddled, it hits me. It’s almost like he is reading my mind, sensing the signals of my body language from that hug that seemed to last forever and he says “Baby, we are not over, we are not. I told you, I will not lose you a second time, I can’t. I won’t”.

It is almost 4 o’clock in the morning and it would take me a while to share all that transpired between us as I stood at my door, half asleep with pajamas and scarf to boot.

I’ll just say this – I lied. I told Rescue I didn’t want to talk but I did. I simply asked why? Why couldn’t he just TELL me that he was going through it. Why couldn’t he trust me, the woman he’s so in love with and wants to be with; trust me enough to explain his 3 week plan in advance so I wouldn’t think something else.


Because he is a man.

Men do foolish – not stupid things because of their pride, ego whatever.

Men, especially when in relationships, fail to realize that communicating with your partner is NOT the same as being monitored or bossed around. It’s simply communicating which alleviates a tremendous amount of bullshit.

We’re all big boys and girls, we realize that when your actions deviate from the norm and you fail to simply explain why, that leaves things open to interpretation and most times, we then assume. Assume the worst.

Long of the short? I’ll be high in the friendly skies for part one of my vacation and although things are not how they should be, I’m going to be leaving with love in my heart.

I can’t say for sure what will happen with Rescue when I return, and I did chuckle at the last thing he said to me as he jokingly told me “have fun and don’t be over there acting like Stella”.

Seeing him made all of the ill feelings I had towards him subside.

Only time will tell.

For now… Atlanta and Jamaica, you better get ready for me!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…


Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Phase 3- The “I don’t know how I feel” moment

To say that this past week has been rough would be a gross understatement.

I haven’t been shedding tears of “my relationship is crappy and pretty much over, but more “this whole wanting to be with someone is crappy”. Actually, I take that back – the crying has pretty much subsided and has been replaced with an attitude of indifference.

Rescue has issues that need to be worked out and as much as he keeps trying to convince me that WE are okay, I beg to differ.

Selfishness or love?

Which is it when someone knows they’re not right for you OR need to work on themselves before trying to be with you but don’t want to let you go?

Well I’ll tell you this blog world- I really don’t care which it is.

I don’t care about Rescue’s need to get himself together.

I don’t care that I’ve been asking that he return my house key for a week, and he’s not done so in a futile attempt to use it as leverage for holding on (I guess).

I don’t care right now but I DO care about my future happiness.

Last night, I was invited out for drinks with a former hangover – Tall Glass of Wine. I’ll definitely have to share how the evening went though in short – we HAD a great time. Really great time.

Remember how I said it seemed as if the world knew about my doomed relationship?

Ironically, in the very same day that Tall Glass contacted me, I received a “hello stranger” text message from “The Calm”. I may be having a senior moment with his pseudonym so forgive me, but he was the producer who seemed to be nearly all that I would want in a man. Sort of.

Okay, again, more to come on the exchanges with these two but for now- permission for a hiatus from writing for a week or so.


In about 72 hours I will be boarding a flight to Jamaica.

I don’t know if I’ll be like Stella getting her groove back.

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Phase 2

The crying, dry heaves and headaches and confusion that follows have subsided.

I’ve have passed the “I don’t really want it to be over”, “perhaps we just need a break” and the “why do I feel so bad” stages.

I’ll admit it here – Saturday and Sunday were more like pre-break up moments. I’d told Rescue I was “letting him go so he could work on himself” and based on the generic/normal type of calls and texting that followed, I learned my girlfriends were right- he didn’t get it.

Rescue didn’t understand that those weren’t just words of support for his negligent, inconsistent and somewhat suspect absenteeism but instead, my punk way of saying IT’S OVER. Only I never really came out and said it.

I am now ready to tattoo those words onto my forehead.

So while he’s thinking I’m just having some post-menstrual moments, I’m crying the blues over a failed relationship. Just like he so smartly failed to communicate the space he was giving ME after our last tiff, I failed to communicate to him that for a second time, he had failed in our relationship.

This Monday and part of Tuesday? Rough. I had moments of regret for having blogged anything about this mess. Why? Fear of being judged if a miracle somehow happened making everything between us alright. I had moments of regret for not being more patient. After all, if he said he just needed to get through these next 2 or 3 weeks, is that REALLY such a long time? How patient am I of a woman who says she is completely in love with this man if a matter of weeks is a deal breaker?

Yet out of all of the moments of regret I was and am still having, the biggest of them all? Having allowed myself to become involved with someone who had a shit load of baggage.

What in the world was I thinking?

Am I desperate or something?

No, I don’t think so. I’m a good looking woman, even with the extra 20lbs or so un-strategically placed on my body. I’m fairly intelligent, both book smarts and a wealth of common sense. Although my job has a lot to be desired, it is a good job which pays fairly well and the type of work I do is well respected. I’m a great communicator, love public speaking and though I’ve only recently renewed my passport after a 20 year hiatus, I still get around across the US. On top of all of this? I’m a great Mom!

Hell, just reading that I’m feeling pretty damn good so again- why do women like ME fall and settle for men like HIM?

Just thinking about this situation and the last 8 months is making my blood pressure rise. It’s past 10pm, I have to give a speech tomorrow that I’ve not even written yet and haven’t a clue on what to wear.

My summary for tonight?

Fuc% him.

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

The word is OUT!

All I’m saying is… It seems like the world got the memo about my relationship blues.

I get a random text message from Mr. Jekyl (damn, I STILL have not shared the sordid details about that love affair turned Nightmare on Elm St.). Simply saying “Hi”.

Don’t read any more into it. That IS his modus operandi – get you with a minimalistic approach then go in for the kills texting you to death asking why you can’t be friends.

Then, I get an even more random “Hi there friend, long time no talk. How have you been? I miss my friend, hope we can meet up soon”. This was actually from the last guy I’d gone on a date with before I put the plug in the bathtub of my dating life.

I can’t remember what his pseudonym was at this moment, but I DO remember he was a really nice guy, smelled great, was very articulate and had positively, absolutely, without a doubt – no neck. Or legs.

Okay, I’m totally bullsh#tting about the legs but he was short. Very short.

I felt bad that I hadn’t really contacted him since our breakfast date aside from a few pity calls and texts to keep up. I replied to him that I was doing well (lie) and said sure, we could meet up some time.

Last but not least, to round out my 4 days of men-suck-and-I’m-trying-not-to-be-jaded I get this lovely message in my mailbox just seconds ago:

“eHarmony – You could Find Singles Like You”

Really? Can I REALLY find singles like me? Hell, am I truly even single? If I am single am I really interested in the extended torture chamber known as the eharmony personality/matching profile?

Ummmmm… I think not!

By the way, isn’t that baby THE creepiest looking thing you’ve ever seen? 🙂

Thought I’d found it but nope… Still waiting on the cure for the hangovers…


Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

After all of that…

I believe I am now a single woman. Again.

After all of the drama, the divorce arguments, trying to convey communication vs incorrect assumptions, and learning to juggle things in life, I decided I can take no more.

When I woke up yesterday (for like the 3rd time), I decided there is no hope for Rescue and me. Maybe there’s no hope for him, period.

After all of enlightening feedback I received from Papa Bear, I thought we would be okay, being able to be strong enough to weather any storm.

I apologized my part in having caused and strife and it was well received by Rescue but then he creates yet another problem.

While our relationship is on a respiratory machine, he takes our condition from serious to critical. Yes, I’m exaggerating with the analogies, but this is the best way I can describe the situation.

You see, I wanted to see him after all of the fussing and the tension created over the last week or so. Not argue, dredge up any argument, but just to see Rescue. To be with him. I wanted to work on mending whatever tears had been made.

Rescue, however had something else in mind. When we would normally see each other 4 or 5 nights out of the week. Even if it was only for an hour in the morning as I dressed for week, with his schedule, it’s what I had to work with. Instead, days began to go by and soon, I stopped training my ear to listen for that key in the door at 4am.

Rescue felt the best way for ME to feel better about our situation was to give ME space.

Okay, I guess that would have been a perfect if one of the following applied:

1. I was the type of woman who thought space after an argument was a good idea and more importantly


2. I KNEW this was the plan!

What the hell?

Yes, this was something that was decided by Rescue all by himself but he failed to let the girlfriend (me) know about it.

So….. When I don’t see him when he gets off work, and I don’t see him and barely talk to him during his off day, what else am I to think but everything bad?

Failure to communicate.

A few conversations later, I COMMUNICATE to him that what he did backfired. Grossly.

What that time away fro$ each other did was allowed me to think. A lot. This is dangerous for a woman on the edge of ending a relationship. It gave me time to get used to not being around him. Sure, I cried a lot these last couple of days but it’s been in preparation for the inevitable. The space he mistakenly think I needed gave me time to realize that the failure of his past relationships, marriage from years ago and this latest one that didn’t even last a year were probably due to his actions.

Let your work and personal goals take over when in a relationship and you neglect the one you love? Guess which won’t be around any longer?

These last three days have been a blur and to add to all of the stress? I’ve come down with a terrible cold and sinus ailment which has knocked me off my feet!

I’m tired. Tired of his excuses, shortcomings and disappointments.

After all of that, I’ve given up.

Exiting stage left.

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

“Of course, because you’re a WOMAN!”

“You guys don’t get a lot of what men are trying to communicate or do so stop trying so hard to analyze everything”.

Yes, this is what my dear friend named Papa Bear said to me last week. I’m a 36 year-old woman, of course I know there is normally a communication barrier between the sexes but this time, I think it finally sank in just how much.

As tired and exasperated I was after what I shall affectionately dub as “the worst holiday weekend ever”, I wondered what else can I do.

Rescue and I have pretty much done some major damage with our hiatus from seeing each other, slow down with telephone calls and the ultimate text message showdown where he said “maybe we should back off things a bit” and I agreed.

Sitting in a crappy bathroom stall at work boo hoping, giving updates to my network and THEN trying to focus on work while AT work was just too much. So as I drove down the 605 freeway in total silence, it dawned on me that throughout all of this drama (all three times) with Rescue, I had never asked for the input of a man.

I certainly could have done it sooner. I mean, Rescue is living with the person responsible for us having met but I just couldn’t bring myself to bring up my issues to him.

For one, a conversation his friend (we’ll call him “Mike”) didn’t seem right because not only are very close friends, I’d divulged too many details the first time I ended things. Two, Mike and I had a conversation when I first started dealing with Rescue again and a couple of things stood out and remain in my mind so I’m not too sure I want him to know what’s been going on.

For instance, Mike questioned why I would get involved with him in the first place and asked if I knew that he had a lot going on? Yes, I had replied, I know it didn’t really make sense and said it was something I was okay with dealing with for the moment. I also said I had no plans of getting serious (and at the time, I was truthful because I was still seeing other men until around March or April). Another thing that stuck with me is when Mike asked what I wanted long term; I said I wanted a real relationship that ultimately leads to marriage.

Cryptic message or was he just asking – “how do you know that once Rescue gets his stuff together and gets divorced, he’s still going to be interested in what he’s saying NOW that he wants? Well shit, I DON’T know and I guess I will just have to have a little faith and see. I wanted to dig a little deeper and ask if there was something he was trying to imply, but I didn’t and left it at that.


So keeping this conversation in mind, perhaps you can see why I wasn’t too hopeful that any other man could offer anything insightful to my issues.

Still, I dialed the number of the one man I know who never sugar coats anything and sticks to the truth in your face like flies on.. Well, you know. After my intro “Hey, how are you Papa Bear” and “I want to run this by you” statements, Papa says “Stop stalling and tell me- What the hell did you do? Did that mouth of yours cause you to break up?”


Again, no sugar coating here. I explain the situation about the divorce and the three arguments the topic led to and Papa says “Carmen, of course you wouldn’t understand honey, because you’re a w-o-m-a-n. We aren’t like you, we don’t talk in riddles leaving you guessing to figure stuff out. If he says he will get divorced, you need to trust that he will or leave him alone until he does. Period.”

It is at about this point where I want to put on a customer service smile and tell him thank you and have a nice day!

Instead, I go on to share my “new” information about the 6 month divorce process and complain that I think Rescue is hiding something because he won’t acknowledge it nor will he say why he can’t do it sooner. Again, Papa dismisses me with the quickness by saying “So fuc*ing what, he doesn’t have to explain anything of the sort to you”.

Huh? Why the hell not? I’m his girlfriend, we’re talking about a future together, possibly relocating out of state, raising kids together and damn, he has a key. I feel that with me being open about everything, he should as well.

Nope. Not according to the minds of men.

According to them, they are not like us and our thinking is often completely different. Papa goes on to say that while a woman will give every intimate detail about everything, down to the steps action plan, implementation and color and size of their panties, men? You get a statement of the facts and… That’s about it.

My new found relationship confidant explained that my “new” information didn’t mean a thing and said it was MY fault for not having done my research BEFORE agreeing to anything with this man and as I have alluded to admittedly, in previous posts, it was wrong of me to try changing the rules after the fact. Bottom line, he said is this- “you either trust that he will do what he says he will in a year time or move on adding that Rescue could have made an agreement with his wife on this time frame as well. Better yet, it could be something personal, complex or embarrassing as the reason he may not be inclined to discuss any details.

Finally, Papa’s last couple of words included the following:

1. If a year comes and you see no action on Rescues’ part, then you have every right to go nuts and dump him.

2. Relax and stop creating unnecessary drama. You say you loive him so love him and have fun with it.

And lastly just as I mumbled “okay, but I am not going to apologize Papa says

3. Call him and apologize. You were wrong.

And so I did. Pulled over to the side of the road, took a sip of water, swallowed my pride, took another sip of water, gulped down some more pride and made the call.

I apologized, told him why I was doing it and reminded him that this situation is foreign to me. I would never have gotten involved with a man who had a “situation”, girlfriend and certainly not a wife and asked if he could understand a couple of things.

I asked if he could understand that I was uncertain? He said yes.

I asked if he realized that I was afraid of failing and more so, of being hurt? Again, he said yes.

I asked if he knew just how much I loved him? You guessed it, he said yes.

Then, Rescue said he had a question for me – “WHO have you been talking to??”. I innocently replied “Why?” And he says because what you just said sounds completely different than you and it sounds like you came to a specific realization.

Damn him. 🙂

So after all of that it seems like we cleared the air and things would be okay.

But I’ll be damned if a few days later we aren’t in the same situation of limbo and me feeling like this just isn’t meant to be.

I give up!

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

Part Deaux


It has been eight days since Rescue and I had our latest "incident", seven days
since we last saw each other, and six days since I apologized and two hours have passed
since he and I had what I hope was the beginning of a break through conversation.

Yes, I apologized and the reason why is simple:  Men and women think differently.

This is by no means a statement that has never been heard before, but at that moment when I pulled over to the side of the road and inhaled, then exhaled before making my call to him I realized this was the gospel truth.

Now before I go on to explain what on earth led to ME saying that I was sorry to HIM let me explain how things just seemed to come to a head all within a 72 hour period.

In part one of this fiasco in "He Can Blame Himself In the End" I mentioned my dissatisfaction with what seems like everything and just days before that, I basically felt like it was time to throw in the towel as I griped about "The Ah Ha Moment" with a feeling of utter failure when it comes to relationships.

I don't know how else to explain this wave of emotions that range from me preparing myself for life as a single woman again to wondering if everything we've been dealing with lately is really worth the stress and aggravation.  PMS, love and fear of failure would be the top three reasons right now.

For the most part, Rescue and I get along great.  I'm thankful there are no mood swings, excessive behavior like drinking, cursing or smoking and we are actually friends more than anything.  Yet at the same time the one issue with his marital status (you know, when is the divorce going to get under way) seemed like something I couldn't get past and now Rescue has created yet a second issue - the quality time factor.

Maybe the fact that I have never been involved (at least not knowingly) with a man who was not completely available is the problem, but I guess what I've been looking for is some type of money back guarantee about this divorce.  Rescue's reaction and the ridiculously aloof manner in which he responds to anything relating to his wife certainly qualify as grounds for immediate termination. I've mentioned to him a few times that he comes across as someone who has all the answers when being questioned about something as simple as the creation of his web site to being asked about this 6 month vs. 1 year dissolution process.  Just as our mutual friend of ours shared with me a few weeks ago he told Rescue that he should stop acting as if he knows it all and has everything figured out because obviously, the way he's struggling now - he doesn't know jack.

Instead of considering that maybe, just maybe, someone may be able to offer something he doesn't already know, he comes across as being a little defensive if he's being questioned on pretty much anything.  Rescue's complaint about me? That I have continued to ask him repeatedly (this is the third time) about the whole process and timelines and my complaint?  If you would answer the question directly the FIRST time, there wouldn't be a need for a second and obviously you failed with your reply because I needed to bring it up yet again.

Men and Women think differently.

The major fuss (his words) we had that Sunday of Labor Day weekend was bad, I mean really bad.  My fiery attitude and feelings of indifference had carried over from Saturday and when I hadn't really heard from him and did not see him later that night as I normally would, I pretty much had wiped my hands of the situation and had given up.  He must be hiding something because he is being so evasive.   Just when I'm feeling calm enough to sit down and have a talk with him, he figured I "needed space" and didn't come in that night and instead of giving me "time to think", he made things go from bad to worse.  So as I sat drinking my tears away with my girlfriend who had just dumped her boyfriend hours earlier, I did what you should never do when you're upset.

I started communicating by text message.  While drinking.

About three or four exchanges later I had to adjust my eyes to make sure I was seeing straight because he actually actually told me that (my line of questioning) "just too much for him" and suggested we "back off things a bit until things were finalized".  My reply?  "Okay, fine!"

Obviously, he wasn't expecting that kind of reply at all because he immediately said he didn't want to make any hasty decisions and suggested we stop the dialogue because otherwise we may end up doing the type of damage to the relationship that cannot be repaired.  Stop?  Hell no I didn't stop, the flood gates had been opened and I had been wanting to tell him the SAME thing for weeks since I felt me having to wait for HIM to get it together AND get all of his baggage taken care of was just too much for me.  Seeing him send those words suggesting a break was some what liberating because for once, I wasn't going to be the bad guy who ends things because it has always been me who has to do it.

After the last sip of my drink, I sent the last text which simply said "I hope whatever you're hiding was worth it because IT will be what caused the end of us".

Drums please.  Ring the bells.  Bang the cymbals.  Strike the piano chord.

It's over!

Okay, not exactly.

But I did stop responding, and he panicked.  He texted, he called, he texted, he called.  I did nothing and eventually turned the phone off.  I put on my tough girl-I'm-okay-I-saw-this-coming bravado as my friend asked me if I was okay.  Sure I was... until we parted ways; I got inside my car and cried.  Not the kind where tears are flowing and you're quietly weeping but the dry heave, chest caving in and out type of crying.  Obviously, I was not okay.

Monday comes and goes, quietly.  I put my clothes and poker face on and go on about my day with the nerve to post that I'd easily come to grips with the reality that this situation was just too much for me and pretending that a shopping trip and contact from two previous hangovers that same weekend was enough to help me easily get past this.

What was Rescue doing?  Not giving up as easily as I was trying to.  He continued calling, not as frequently as normal but he still would call.  A text here and there, a dry reply from me in return.  Monday night I cried myself to sleep but was too damn stubborn to just pick up the phone and call, tell him we can work through this and talk about when we were seeing each other again.  I wouldn't do it.  I figured I had enough of trying to talk to him, what's the point?

Tuesday, back to work.  Several times throughout the day I found myself in the bathroom, crying so at some point I realized I was either not ready for ANYTHING to be over or was developing a serious case of a bipolar condition.

Thankfully, it wasn't the latter and thankfully, I decided to make a telephone call that would shed a completely different light on this issue like never before.

I called someone who's opinion was golden and has been one of very few people who will stick it to me straight with no vaseline.  A person who has been married and divorced, in serious relationships and then at one point in life realized having friends was a much better fit.

I didn't dare call another girlfriend, I finally decided to call a man.  Within a matter of ten minutes I really and truly understood that MEN and WOMEN think differently.

Until there's a cure for the hangovers...


He can blame himself in the end- Pt. 1

So much has transpired since my update last weekend. Of course, my girls who have seen me know the details of all that went down with me and Rescue and for you others – read it here because I simply don’t have the energy to rehash it.

That last line sounds like a state of defeat, doesn’t it?

As of today (Saturday) night, I have to admit to myself that something went away within the last couple of days. Saying that I’m no longer in love with Rescue would be a lie BUT saying I’ve lost THAT feeling is completely true.

You know what I’m talking about? I can’t really put it into words but if you’ve really cared about someone and your hopes and dreams for a future with them suddenly dissipated like water in a desert, you understand what I mean.

Things WERE okay with the two of us for about two days, on the surface at least.

Not to solid of an update right?

Well my emotions and feelings aren’t stable either, as I have been up and down, happy and sad, pissed and mad.

PMS is only magnifying my behavior by 1000%.

Relationship woes on top of everything else I’ve got to deal with? Like I said before, I’m just not cut out for it.

But before I go into details which will make this a two part post, let me first give the update:

Last Saturday morning, after a great love making session I was getting dressed. Had it in my mind that at some point during the long weekend I would gently present the 6 month question to see if Rescue had looked into it. The 6 months I’m referring to is the special exception for divorce filings in the state in which he was married vs waiting a full year after separation.

As he lay in bed partially asleep, I was a little disappointed that again, I was about to head out with child to a family function but without the feeling of a complete family. Let me clarify – me, significant other and child instead of it always being single parent and child. But I’m reasonable, I guess. He works a crappy shift at night, so needs sleep during the day, right?

So I quietly chastised myself for thinking so selfishly,figured I would leave any discussion about divorce alone for another couple of months, and finished dressing. I was okay and in a happy place. Until that fuc#er started receiving text messages, followed by him eventually making a call.

Moments later, he told the caller they would meet up in an hour or so to take care of some business and with that, he was out of bed. Feeling passed off was an understatement as my little patting motions of applying makeup suddenly turned into pounds on my face.

Hold on, don’t judge me. I know you’re thinking “at least the man is working AND doing things above and beyond to make money”, but hear me out. Rescue’s weak points from the FIRST time we were in a relationship dealt with time and girlfriend management. I totally understand the work and any extras, but hell – I have to always work around his odd off days during the week, but he can sacrifice daytime sleep hours without trying to work in a quick breakfast or movie break with me? THAT seems selfish, to me.

Okay, the time spent together just enjoying us hasn’t been there for the last couple of weeks and I know – he’s working hard to get back on his feet. Exactly my reasoning for why he should not have embarked on being in a relationship with me, especially with all of the s*it and baggage I’m having to get behind.

So anyway, he’s getting ready to shower in preparation for his meeting and in the calmest, friendliest and curious tone possible I asked “Have you and _______ talked about the 6 month separation agreement yet?”. He looked puzzled and replied “No”, and I asked him why not. “Because there’s nothing more for us to talk about; we know what needs to happen to get the divorce going and can’t do anything until after a year”. Uh, not exactly.

I proceeded to explain the information I had researched and before I could even finish my sentence, he says “It will get done; You’ve never been married before, you’ve never lived in _____, so I don’t know what you think you know from the Internet or some book, but there’s a process. He then kissed me on the cheek, turned and walked away and headed for the shower.

What the fu*k?? Did he walk away AND dismiss any information I had to share and sealed it with a kiss?

Pissed. Frustrated. Enraged. Disgusted. Annoyed.

There aren’t enough adjectives I can think of right now to describe how I was feeling.

I yelled out “well maybe your time line just doesn’t work for ME!”

Rescue didn’t hear all of what I said and came back out of the bathroom to talk. He’s not (that) dumb; he could tell from my facial expression that things were going from bad to worse in lightening speed.

In his defense, he DID try to talk things over with me as he started talking with a much more pleasant, and patient tone by saying “Listen to me Carmen, it will…” but I no longer heard his words and no longer saw him. Instead I heard my mind telling me “you tried” and I could no longer see him through eyes blurred by tears. Instead, I turned and walked away and we both finished dressing in silence.

Before walking out the door he says “so you’re not going to talk to me?”

I don’t know what happened after that because any other words he’d spoken were being received by MY back.

To be continued…

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.