A Year of Dating Hangovers

One year.  365 days. 53 weeks. 

Several template revisions, three “About Me” rewrites, many lessons learned.

118 posts.  1,071 comments.  Thousands of Spam messages. 

Encounters with an estimated 26 men.  Total of 26 disappointments with men.

Countless expletives.  Many headaches.  Several arguments.  One heartache.

 Happy Blogoversary My Dating Hangovers!

I’m not quite sure how to feel knowing an entire year has passed since I first entered the world of blogging.  Although I started this as a hobby of sorts, to get my feet wet in the realm of online journaling, at times I wondered if I kept knocking down the different men I had encountered to give me a reason to continue writing.

I also wondered if I may have jinxed what I thought could be the end of my dating hangovers by continuing to chronicle what was happening in my relationship with Rescue.  That only stayed in my mind for a moment as I realized it was the person and not the blogging which puts me in the position I am in today.

Unknown relationship Single status.

Here’s an excerpt from my first post a year ago, November 17, 2010:

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at, 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.  On to the next!

I just realized that the way that introduction was written, it didn’t sound as if I had any intentions on finding the RIGHT ONE, instead I simply said “on to the next” and that is exactly what I got.  The next hangover.  Over and over and over again.

The past year has been filled with a lot of strange experiences and moments, and although I’m one week fresh off of hearing what sounded like a statement for re-election (you know – say everything the people want to hear), I can’t say that I haven’t had times I enjoyed the company I was in and the love in my heart from reconnecting with my past.

But hey– that type of tone isn’t the purpose of an anniversary now is it?  Nope, not at all.  Instead, it’s a celebration and a trip down memory lane so for your viewing pleasure (especially to the newer stalkers readers) a timeline and trip through My Dating Hangovers (November 2010 – November 2011):

Okay, so I didn’t exactly take the time to figure out how to PROPERLY insert the time line but you get the picture!

In addition to having chuckled, snorted and laughing out loud reviewing the timeline, I figured I’d pick out my favorite posts or topics:

 Top 5 Favorite Posts  

 –          Until Something Better Comes Along

–          Choosing a Life Partner

–          The Dating Resume

–          Dating the Single Parent

–          Never Date a Religious Hypocrite

 

Top 5 Men I Wish I Never Met

 –          Sybil’s Brother

–          Ghetto 2Pac

–          Good on Paper

–          Full Metal Jacket

–          Tupperware Man (don’t ask – I totally forgot about him but trust, he’s nuts!)

 

 

Top 5 Moments to Remember

 

–         Reunionw/Rescue

–          Prince concert w/Rescue

–          First date with Tall Glass of Wine

–          First date with USBC

–          Bedroom encounter w/Black Russian

 

 

 

And finally – two mini statements from the two men whose company I truly enjoyed and had figured out one of the small secrets to my happiness was laughter:

Tall Glass of Wine:

How often is it that you can meet someone who is able to carry on great
conversation, knows how to behave at the dinner table, can get down on the
dance floor, knows how to hold their liquor AND also loves Prince?

And of course…

Rescue 911:

Rescue makes me happy, makes me laugh, understands me, is affectionate, a great lover, communicates with me, shares his dreams, likes Prince, accepts me and all my flaws, understands my love of a wig collection, and above all – is my friend.

So what’s next?

I haven’t a clue but I DO know I would much rather have a blog titled “Let’s Stay Together”.

Searching for the cure…

Carmen Jones

 

Dating the single parent

First of all, let me acknowledge that what I’m about to say paints the perfect picture of a double-standard and yes – after having recently posted an article describing hypocrites, I’m probably not going to win any fans sharing my feelings about this, but here it is.

 I do NOT like dating men with children and yes- I’ll share my hangovers to justify my saying this at a later date but for now, there were two reasons why I’m saying this now.

Reason # 1 is a phone convo between a good friend of mine (without child) and I (with one child) as we shared our dating woes and chatted up the subject of the men we’ve encountered who have children.  She’s telling me about a conversation she shared with one of her Gulf Coast conquests, that she felt the two of them were on the same page regarding children and how she went on to explain that she’d much rather date a man who doesn’t have because (1) of the lack of availability he would have, (2) diminished funds and (3) because she wanted a child of her own and wanted her first to be his first.

Okay, all fair statements.  The problem?  Well, she’d met two men that previous weekend.  One with children, one without so take a guess which one she was talking to confusing him with the other?  Yep, you guessed it and her mission statement was met with SILENCE.

I’m anxiously awaiting the outcome of their friendship and anything it may blossom into, but in the meantime……on to reason # 2.  I’d realized that Good on Paper presented the best example of why I would prefer not to date a man who has a child or worse, chilDREN.  He has three, the youngest is THREE and while he has been divorced from their mother for three years, he still has major drama.  Damaged goods for sure.

Just so we’re clear, I am by no means delusional and the statistics speak for themselves – the possibility that a man will meet a single mother is about 50% so I’m not exactly the crème of the crop in terms of dating material for some (or even most).  But hey, what can I say – $hit happens.  You get together with some, maybe in love, maybe not and procreate.

It doesn’t work and SOMEONE is going to bear the responsibility of raising the child and no matter what the involvement of the other, the sole provider is still a single parent and being one is draining.  Still, single parenting women don’t want to be alone and want the opportunity to move on and find that special someone, a life partner even.

So my beef with the “baby daddy”?  Well hell, the exact same reasons why there are hundreds of posts out there titled “Reasons Men Hate Dating Women With Kids”, and they include the following:

1.  Time, time, time – There is no such thing as a spur of the moment date night, get away or booty call when you’re a single parent.  From my experience dating a man who has a child, this has been one of the biggest problems – he simply isn’t able or refuses to make more time for me.  In fact, I dare to say that the problem of finding a reliable sitter may be worse for men because women – well we have our girly networks.  Women are more likely to have a group of friends, grandmother or aunts who may be more willing to watch our children while we get out and “have fun”.   Unfortunately (because there are so many of us), I have several single parent friends who wouldn’t mind doing a little kid swap now and then.  Men?  I don’t think they’ve learned how nor have the ability to forge such alliances.

2.  Funds shortage – “I can’t really spend because I need to…” or “this child support is…”.  Whether the man is fairly active (meaning sees the child more pretty frequently) or is simply forking over a percentage of his pay check to the state, his funds are going to be severely affected.   This works both ways because of course, I can’t necessarily throw away money either because I’m supporting two people on one income, but this is how I’ve lived.  I’ve developed a system for budgeting so there’s activity money for my child and play money for Mom.  I could do a 15-page post on the topic of how men are either getting worked over by the kids’ mothers or simply didn’t handle their business and the unavoidable things such as garnishment are in full force.  Point being, their kid is going to absorb a significant amount of their income which is going to affect a single father’s dating lifestyle.

3.  Baby Mama Drama – I hate, hate, hate using the terms baby mama and daddy, so let’s say the drama with the ex.  Funny, each man I’ve ever encountered has always asked during initial conversations if I have drama with my child’s father and the answer is a resounding NO.  The way I figure, most people create their own drama though there are some instances where the other parent simply will NOT let them have any happiness.  I’d go so far to say that there are three main reasons a man I’m dating is having problems with the mother of his child and that is (1) he is still messing around with her or (2) she refuses to move on and let go or (3) she has moved on but is just bitter and vengeful.  I’ve had the displeasure of experiencing # 2 and # 3 and it made being involved with those men a living hell.  Something always made me wonder why the guy was hiding his testicles and wouldn’t just man up and handle their business with these women, but it never failed, instead, they tiptoed around the issue.  Manic messages, repeated and harassing phone calls, unannounced visits, restricting visits etc…  D-R-A-M-A.

         And my personal favorite that I’ve experienced waaaaaaay too often

4.  Daddy’s Little Witch – Of course, I don’t want to sound too harsh so I got a little creative with that third word but real talk – men take the relationships with their children, specifically the little divas in training too far.  I’ve had the pleasure of meeting the Princess Who Could Do No Wrong, the Just Like Her Mother, Bad Attitude and All and the My Daddy is an ATM.  I really tried to figure these men out, attempting with all my might to understand how and why they ignored the fact that their daughters were master manipulators.  Was it because they weren’t doing as much for them as they should, and over compensated by not being as strict?  Well no.  Several of these hangovers had full, sole custody of their daughter’s and gave them the world, but these little monsters still demanding the galaxy.   This is another one I could go on and on about.

The bottom line is this – I realize if I’m dating or attempting to become seriously involved with someone who has children, there needs to be balance.  I need to be able to balance my life, the needs of my child, work and everything else so that I’m able to dedicate the time and energy needed to be with someone.

It just seems that some men with children are constantly putting out their “available” signs without taking into consideration whether or not they should REALLY be trying to date.  I realize all that comes with me being a parent and am very much aware that no matter how attractive or appealing my characteristics may be, because I check the “yes” box under dependents I may not even be considered by some men.  However, for those who are interested in taking a ride on the Carmen train, I’m open to dating and swapping kid stories as long as YOU know what it means to have balance while dating as a single parent.

So for the men complaining about getting involved with women who have children, it works both ways.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

What is a Dating Hangover?

Hang·over • \hang-ô-ver\ •noun

  1. A person or thing left over from or influenced by a past age; Something remaining from a previous time or state.
  2. A let down, after a period of excitement

Symptoms:
–          Fatigue, weakness, pain, headache, nausea and vomiting
–          Depression, anxiety
–          Irritability

Now surely, everyone at some point (some more than others) in their lives has experienced these types of feelings and I’ll be the first to admit – it sucks!  My hangovers have left me feeling like crap to the point where I couldn’t function for a couple of hours, feeling as if I was shutting down physically, emotionally and mentally.  Yes, these types of feelings are what remain from a crappy date or a relationship gone terribly wrong.

Ah… yes, the dating experience.  Go ahead, take another look at the meaning and symptoms above and tell me the funky feeling from being drunk isn’t JUST like getting over that someone who wasn’t quite “the one”.

I’ve talked about it, joked about it, been asked when I was finally doing it, obsessed over how to do it and finally – I’m here.   Welcome to My Dating Hangovers.

The time is long overdue for me to start writing about these misadventures.  I know, I know – you’re probably thinking “great, another blog about dating”.   Well….yes – why not?  These types of blogs never get old because there is a wonderful experience or absolute nightmare occurring as often as a car is stolen in South LA.

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones