I Can Work with Men

  • The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.

My last date from a few months ago really had it together.

He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.

That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him.  But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.

Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.

He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”.  By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.

“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.

When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.

Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her.  She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.

In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation.  He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds?  Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…

So how did our first meet-up go?

For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.

Impessions-Quotes.001Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point.  Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion.  They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.

47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.

Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up:  late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.

This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.

I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself.  Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Too Soon?

EXCLUSIVITY
Related to exclusivity: Mutual exclusivity
ex·clu·sive  (ĭk-sklo͞o′sĭv)
adj.
1. Excluding or tending to exclude: exclusive barriers.
2. Not allowing something else; incompatible: mutually exclusive conditions.
3. Not divided or shared with others: exclusive publishing rights.
4. Not accompanied by others; single or sole.

It’s late and as I’m ready to call it a night, he sends me a text asking if we are now dating exclusively.

I don’t respond and in the morning will use the excuse that I’d fallen asleep.

We’ve had two outings together and the first didn’t leave a very favorable impression.  Hell, I haven’t even had a chance to share what went wrong with that first impression and here we are at the junction of exclusivity.

This IS  what I’ve been waiting for, right?  To meet a man who realizes pretty damn fast that I’m the rarest cut of a precious diamond.

Yes, this is a request to go put profiles to sleep and focus on getting to know each other, not an actual relationship.   But is it too soon?

So far he IS talking a good talk, even though my nose is turned in the air at a few things that are either concerning or deal breakers.

He’s not even programmed into my phone by name but only as “Maybe” with a smiley face.  Yet again, we’re broaching the subject of being exclusive.   Already.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Great First Dates

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

In case the point isn’t being emphasized enough, I think we might have a winner so let’s just call him Winner!

Last night’s date was a smashing success and even better, the feeling is mutual since we ended the night by texting each other pretty much the same thing and woke up texting nearly the same words as last night which – we were happy to have met, enjoyed the relaxed and open conversation an agreed how everything flowed effortlessly.  Our chemistry was amazing and if you were looking over at our table while we laughed over good food and drinks, you would never have known that we were on our first date.

It’s about damn time and I’m so glad I didn’t let the tiresome day and drain of the week stop me from going through with the date.

A real date (not one of those bullshit Starbucks coffee meet ups), where the man did the planning (instead of asking what do you want to do), asked about details (were we dressing causal or adding a little flair) and most importantly, the person showing up matched who was being represented online (I’m sure he’s closer to 5’7 than 5’9 but still, he looked like his photos).

The most important detail?  He’s ready.

Winner wants to settle down, is over the dating scene (especially online dating though I’m only the second off the site) and mentioned a word that resonated with me greatly – partner.

Not once during our discussion which included everything from beer to golf to real estate to intimacy, did he say he was looking for someone to “chill with” nor did he say a girlfriend is what he wanted but he made it clear that he was looking for a partner.  What’s even better is that he had pretty clear meaning of exactly what that person was, how she took care of herself, her mate, the kinds of goals in life she should have and more.

It was surreal sitting beside a man that was on the same page and he’s thought long and hard about how to what he’s looking for in a woman (though I’m concerned he might be in too much of a hurry to end his single status) and seems pretty confident that I’m exactly what he’s looking for after only one meeting.

He’s nice-looking, has a stable career, able to articulate well and has an amazing sense of humor and just as he was complimenting of the type of woman I represented, he appears to have so many qualities that I’m looking for in a man but of course – there are always a few things about a person that don’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy or quite simply, are turnoffs and deal breakers.

His living situation, his ovary hustling dreams and the puff-puff.

Winner owns a 3-bedroom home not far from me that he shares with his 6 year-old daughter and his ex-fiance.  That is a BIG problem for me because I don’t give a hoot how much a person can say something is over, living under the same roof is not a clean break-up.  If you hear his story, it probably makes him look like a good guy with a huge heart with a lot of patience until the courts had to get involved.  But so what, I don’t like the sounds of an ex anything being in the same house. Not only are the feelings still there which may be good or bad like this article points out, for the new person coming in to know that you are just a few feet away from a late night or early morning booty creep isn’t something that would set well with any sane person.

“He’s not ready to start a new relationship. He’s still living with someone” – Exetiquette.com

Now the only saving grace is that he says the ex has a court order to be out of the home by February 1st 2016 which isn’t far away at all, but as I’ve said time and time again – situations like that are messy and a person really should not date or entertain anything similar until their old business has been fully handled.  Sure that date will be here before I know it but so what – I’m not okay with it and as a result, he’s been forewarned that he has earned a spot in the friend zone.  Who’s to say what will happen in February and how messy what is essentially an eviction (because she wouldn’t leave voluntarily after the break up) ends when the time comes so again, the living situation is an issue for me and likely for any other women he’s attempted to date.

My online profile says “does not want children” and his said “undecided/open” and just in case my response here isn’t clear, it is mentioned during any messaging and I assure you, he and I had this conversation before meeting where I made it understood that there was no on the fence for me.  I’m 40 years-old with a teenager and I don’t care if he’s the most doting father ever, having another one if so not an option for me.  So during dinner the topic comes up again where he’s mentioning “one more kid, maybe a boy and….” I have to remind him that if he’s set on hustling these ovaries, I’m not his girl.  He joked around a bit more and mumbled something about being able to change my mind and I believe he’s really convinced of that.  Not good, not good at all.  Is he going to be the one who acts as if he’s accepting of one thing while plotting all along to veer a person in the other direction?

Last concern is the smoking – why does it seem as if every black man I’ve met in the last two or three years have a habit of smoking marijuana?  Each will make it seem like they only smoke “occasionally” in the beginning but then really fess up to needing a hit once or a couple times a day.  Most women (unless they’re tokers too) don’t care for it and I’m not really a fan either so while it isn’t a major deal breaker since it’s something I did long ago, I could do without.  His saving grace is that his lips aren’t discolored, I didn’t smell it in his clothes and the bonus he added is that he doesn’t smoke blunts.  Really, he said this like it was for bonus points or something while mentioning the benefits.  Ummm, okay.

Okay, so there you have it – a great first date and introduction to a (seemingly) nice guy along with some points of pain.  I won’t mention my concerns about his level of eagerness to move forward because it’s possible there have simply been so many men I’ve met who weren’t about anything serious tainting my opinions.  For now we can both practice a little patience and continue getting to know each other but as I stated earlier, with some definite boundaries on how far until issue #1 is handled and ironically, he had a few recommendations for me.

“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”

While talking about past relationships and relations, we both revealed that side bar sex buddy – for him, some young 20’something who was good for nothing more than a quick roll in the hay and a little smoking an for me, my 18 year sexual marriage with Papi.  He offered some interesting insight on why things have been going on for so long saying I shouldn’t be worried about how his living situation is going to end because it will be a simple split in a couple of months, but more concerned about ending my dealings with Papi which are a must before we get serious.

Now really – which do you think is the bigger issue to resolve?  My unrelationship which has never been anything more than in between the sheets or his 5-year dealings with a woman he once said “will you marry me” to?

I’ll let that sit for a moment or for as long as it takes for his unfinished business at home to be resolved.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Too Pooped for Friday Meet Ups!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,  Thursday.

And now you’re on day five and like most people, have likely been fantasizing about  this day arriving like crazy.  No matter what, it always seems like the longest week  ever,  so when someone asks me on a date for the first time on a Friday night,  I often cringe.

Tired, achy feet, sore back, neck strain,  needing a few extra hours of sleep, annoyed with almost everything  traffic-related.  I really just want to go home and strip off my bra, shoes and hair (you read right ) but noooooooo- I have a date that I’ve already committed to.

Let me dig a little further.

It’s  been an incredibly long week filled with moments of me wanting to hide in the bathroom  at work and scroll through  numerous Instagram feeds instead of working.

Then I’ve had other moments where I wanted nothing more than to get lost in the music while slaving  away at my desk.

But it was those moments when I wanted to scream “Shut up, just shut  the fuck up!!!” And what’s scary about this is, for a slight second, I almost said it.

Now  with all of this going on, I need to manage my time perfectly to get my kid situated, back home to shower and get dressed  and hope for a little decompression  before it’s time to go. Crunch time and let’s not forget about traffic as everyone has the same thing in mind- get somewhere and let the weekend begin!

Why don’t people  think  about these things when it comes to first dates on a Friday night or any weeknight  for that matter?

“I have cancelled dates because I was too tired, but if I was actually interested in the guy I always made up a better sounding excuse and rescheduled.”

If we have worked a full shift,  we sure as hell aren’t  refreshed and at our best.   I just don’t understand why no one has ever really considered Friday night dates as being one of the most challenging.

Maybe it’s just me.

Still,  this guy seems like a promising candidate so unlike so many of the hangovers before  him – I  think he may be worth it.

I’ll do a couple of jumping jacks  or something to get some more energy flowing.

Fingers  crossed on this week’s  find.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Stay Away From This Guy

The short version of my recent meet up:

He messaged me, I responded.  He responded, then I responded and we exchanged numbers and he then texted to me and I responded and he said let’s get together later, and I said okay to a meet up at Starbucks which I hate for meet ups, we meet and he looks different (older) and I know I don’t like him, so we chat for a while, he’s asking questions like I’m interviewing for a job, he gets comfortable and starts dropping F bombs, then he gets really comfortable and asks how old does he look and says he’s really 49 and not 40, and I think I rolled my eyes when he said he puts “whatever” on profiles since no one reads them anyway, then he says he arranges meet ups right away to avoid wasting time, then he tells me online dating is a fluke and he’s there because a friend got lucky with a beautiful woman, now I know I REALLY don’t like him and start getting restless because I’m ready to go, so he suggests we get drinks and chill, and I say “Cool, which restaurant are we going to”, then he says he meant get drinks and just “chill” at his place, and then I said no thanks to his fabulous offer of Netflix and chill, so he seems surprised I said no even though he says he has a really nice place, then I said let’s wrap it up and he offers to be my new real estate agent, so I said no thanks and he said let’s hang again soon as I’m closing my car door ready to drive back home.

This kind of guy is the worst – he’s a lazy dater hoping for instant gratification and along with a quick hook up.

For him, it’s a numbers game. He’s only looking to score as many women as he can, quickly so the online dating scene is the perfect playground for these types of men. Having been on the dating scene for so long, I should know better than anything than to deal with them.

Yet in the moments where I wonder if my hard-nosed approach to so many situations with dating, I’m sometimes willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  Then end up regretting it, just like I did with the guy I met tonight.  He’s not online to date but to meet any woman he can squeeze into his schedule until he has enough in his collection to start weeding them out.

The signs were all there that he was just looking for a quickie, in every meaning of the word.

Recognizing the lazy dater

The lazy dater makes himself pretty easy to identify by how his profile is set up or his messages.  If he’s sharing just tidbits in his profile in the “About Me” section, has one too many “Just ask” responses or the number of photos posted are scarce, this is your guy.

You’ll be able to recognize this type because he’s either going to shoot you one or two basic “How are you”, “Nice photos” or “How was your day” kind of messages then quickly offer up his number or ask for yours.

Worse, there are the types who won’t even try the dialogue and will be pimping their digits in the first message along with how much he “Would love to get to know you”.

In my case, his profile was fairly decent and didn’t have any glaring indicators, but once we got to the messaging and signs of his laziness surfaced is when I should have followed my usual discretions and kept it pushing.

Why you shouldn’t exchange numbers too soon

The tricky part about online dating is how much messaging is enough before two people should exchange numbers and of course, there are always two different extremes.

You have the guy who will message you every day with the same boring stuff and you’ll either get bored with him or turned off, then there’s the one who is a little too eager or just plain lazy.  I think it’s safe to say that three or four messages should be good before getting each other’s numbers and these should include a few questions to gauge each other’s level of interest.

I’ve had far too many instances where I should have taken more time to learn a few tidbits about someone, so I wouldn’t be regretting each time they tried to text or call me.

Here’s the deal with the lazy dater and swapping numbers too soon – his motives are often pretty shady.  If he’s in a hurry to call you he’s either doing his last tour of duty because he’s probably already has a potential in mind and needs a back-up or, is trying to collect as many prospects as possible before shutting down his account.

Either way, if he isn’t taking the time to show you that he’s actually interested in getting to know you with a few messages, this means he’s not willing to invest anything in you and more than likely will end up being a  total waste of time.

Why it’s good to have a few conversations before meeting

How does he talk?  Is he way too hood or whitewashed?  Is he able to articulate well?  Do I like the sound of his voice?  Does he prefer dressing up or is he a velour suit kind of guy?  Is this normally how he prefers to meet and does he have a limited time-frame?

Call them Ice Breakers or whatever, but some kind of dialogue before meeting is always a good thing because otherwise it may end up turning into an inquisition of sorts.

Besides that, you’re clueless on what he likes and even if you were detailed with your profile on what turns you on, the lazy dater wouldn’t have read that shit anyway, so you’re just clueless all the way around.

When I was on my way to meet this hangover, he sends me a text message asking that I send him a couple more photos because the ones he had were blurry.

The issue I had with this is applies to any man asking for photos and if you don’t believe me, go ahead and do a Google search on “guys asking for pictures” and you’ll see what I mean.  I replied that I was already going against the grain meeting up without having talked and told him it was a no for photos.

The bigger issue with this text is that Mr. Player clearly had me confused with someone else because I NEVER sent him any (blurry) photos in the first place.

I didn’t call him out on this but you better believe it was noted and this is yet another reason why it’s good to have a few conversations before agreeing to meet someone, because little slip ups like this always come out no matter how smooth the lazy dater may think he is.

Why you should avoid rushed requests to meet

If you haven’t had time to gauge his interest level and any inkling of compatibility by messaging, and you haven’t had a couple of conversations to see if his words match up with what he may have written then you’re only setting yourself up for failure.

The same reasons I shared above on why you should be leery of the guy who’s in a hurry to bypass the getting-to-know-you type questions and on to the telephone are some of the same reasons to be cautious of someone taking the term “spontaneous” to extreme levels.

What’s the big rush?  Is he leaving the country, wife returning from vacation or he’s slowly dying?

Instead of me questioning any of this, I guess my thought process was “you’re not doing anything else later on, so why the hell not”.

Another part of me accepted those instances where I followed all of the steps by spending enough time messaging and making sure a meeting was set within a week of our telephone conversations and we see how well those rules have worked for me.

Again, I didn’t give X-Man’s hastiness any further thought until I started thinking back to that “send me more photos” text and realized I was getting ready to meet someone that I wasn’t even excited about meeting.

How could I be excited when all there was to go on was his online profile and a few decent photos?

What you get when you don’t pay attention to any of the above

If you think a lazy dater is someone you should take a chance on, it’s quite possible that you’ll end up meeting someone at a Starbucks in a location that is a little too urban and crowded for your liking.  But he probably wouldn’t know this because you never had any conversations about any likes and dislikes.

If you’re willing to take a chance with a lazy dater, you may yourself sitting across from the table of someone who’s really a foul-mouthed, cocky know-it-all instead of the quiet I/T geek he presented himself to be.  But you wouldn’t have any clue of how his personality could switch up like this because your conversations didn’t extend beyond one “I’m running late, see you in a bit” telephone call.

If you agree to a quick meet up with a lazy dater who likely didn’t give two shits about what you wrote in your profile, you may find yourself turning up your nose when he asks you to “grab some drinks at his house and just chill”.

But again, he probably isn’t going to know this is a turn off for you because you never had any talks about how you weren’t looking for a new fuck boy.

Initially, I looked at this encounter as a sign of growth for having stepped outside of my barrier of rules but then realized if something doesn’t make sense, then it just doesn’t make sense.

Men who don’t take the time to ask any questions or show that he’s even remotely interested in seeing if the two of you have anything in common is your chance to politely decline any further communication and keep it moving.

Lesson learned – if a man seems really eager to meet right away this doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks you’re the catch of the day and can’t wait to see you, but it can mean that he’s lazy as hell and is treating online dating like a round of speed dating or more like speed fucking.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

He Didn’t Wear Heels

image

Last week’s date marked the first time I’ve gone out with a non-black man and while one “quick” meet up will never allow me to claim an interracial dating experience, at least I was open coerced enough to have tried it.

During that excruciating hour and eleven minutes with the hangover I’ll call Guido, a few things became perfectly clear to me:  (1) nearly every man lies about at least one thing on his dating profile, (2) broken English and improper verb tense isn’t something I’ll ever be able to stomach, and (3) being told how beautiful I am repeatedly in one sitting is a little creepy.

That being said, to say that I was turned off by Guido is an understatement and while he was planning on making the night last even longer by moving from drinks to dinner, I politely declined saying I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling like it hadn’t been fed in weeks.  The second and third realizations can certainly be annoying, but it’s that first one that kills me about men just like Guido who lie, lie, lie when it comes to their profiles and according to scientific research, 81% of the people out there are lying about something. 

Height, age and weight tend to be areas where the deception is the highest.

image

While Guido still looked a little bit like the profile photos posted he was just a shorter, bigger and more ethnic version of himself in real life.  Obviously I’m not very good at hiding my reaction to this actual version because he asked me why I seemed to flinch when he walked into the restaurant where we met. 

It wasn’t really a flinch but more like me silently asking who the fuck is this when seeing he was about 5’7 (profile said 5’11), chubby with stubby fingers wearing a jacket his body was screaming to get out of (profile said “athletic”) and while it didn’t matter either way, appeared to look more Latino (profile said mixed race). 

Of course if he’s going to ask what I thought about his appearance, I’m going to explain how different he looks and do you know this fat bastard even had the nerve to joke about the height discrepancy by saying “I’m not wearing my heels today” before quickly changing the subject. 

After he began the lengthy sales presentation about himself, I soon learned a few other things he lied about in his profile including his profession and ethnicity. 

Guido isn’t really in executive management but is a financial analyst who probably thinks he’s the big cheese because of the travel perks he received and pimps out to the ladies.  Also, when asking if his family still lived in Puerto Rico since he’s always traveling there (must have forgot he told me that’s where he’s from) I was confused when he shook his head like I said something offensive, before replying that he was from Chile.   This little tidbit explained realization number two.

Once again, there’s another fraud in my presence who ironically,  complained about having met WOMEN who weren’t what they depicted in their profiles.   I guess he decided to pay it forward thinking there was nothing wrong with little white lies.

Dating in general is already pretentious and risky enough without having to worry about the “little things” people aren’t truthful about either directly or indirectly.  Here’s the thing about lying when it comes to your appearance – unless you’re able to make some miraculous physical transformation before we meet all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure, while eliminating yourself from ever having a chance at a second date.

Someone needs to tell these ass clowns to just be up front so they can stop wasting precious time, energy and gas.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

P.S. If you’re reading this post via email and wonder why you’re only seeing the first couple of sentences, have no fear – simply click on the post title link and off you go to the web site!

Throwback Dating

Photo Credit: realpointerswithdhane.com
Photo Credit: realpointerswithdhane.com

Nothing is constant but change and this concept most certainly applies to dating.

Over the last ten years or so, the rules of the game have changed drastically and this isn’t just because online dating is now one of the most popular ways to try finding that special someone but our society is now a lot more screwed up.   Simple interactions we used to take for granted such as talking on the telephone or simply saying hello to someone you’re interested in have gone away and the likelihood of sharing an intelligible conversation is slim to none. Some of the ridiculous experiences I’ve had with men from both online contact and the good old-fashioned face-to-face contact and dating are both pathetic and embarrassing but sadly some of the women are not beyond reproach other. I just wish we could rewind the clock to those throwback styles of dating.

Remember when…

A man would see a woman he was interested in, ask for a number to call her and within a day or maybe even less, a telephone call was made and the voices of two interested people went to.

Then…

During that initial telephone call, the two people are either having a brief discussion with a few awkward pauses or may be lucky enough to have one of those marathon calls when chores, homework and even food is being ignored and no one wants to be the first to hang up. It may be with this first call or maybe a couple more, but soon after an actual date is planned where typically it is the man who is asking the woman out for dinner, a movie or maybe even dancing.

Next…

The man just needs her address and he’s on his way to her house and wait for it – gets out of the car. He’s dressed nicely for the date leaving his baseball cap and flip flops for another day and walks up to knock on the door (calling her to come out was unacceptable and honking was criminal). He might have a little something for the woman since it is their first date and soon after she greets him, they’re headed back to the car and on their way.

Then…

As they’re driving to their destination with some “safe” music playing, conversation ensues and…

I think you’re getting the idea where I’m going with this fairytale of sorts. What’s funny and sad at the same time is that anyone younger than 30 or has been meeting the same types as myself and many others, has no recognition of what I’ve described above. Things nowadays are so ridiculously twisted when it comes to dating that THIS has become the norm:

If someone interested in you he or she will ask if you’re on Facebook, ask for your Instagram name, Twitter handle, or Snap Chat name and just maybe you’ll be asked for a phone number text you sometime. After several days or maybe even a week, contact is made using one of the sources above which mostly likely is a text message with something like “HYD”, “WYD” or “Hey” or my personal favorite “Hi Sexy”. It is quite possible that you will NEVER receive an actual telephone call and if allowed, a man or woman will continue to text you, add you to their group distribution lists for jokes and chain letters along with countless requests for photos.

Should the moons and stars are properly aligned, a call might be placed for one of those “in traffic, just called to say hi” conversations and since it’s likely the person on the other end is socially retarded, you’ll end up wishing they had really Facebook’d or texted instead. Depending on how things might be going in a person’s life (as in they’re having problems in a relationship, just been dumped or are really bored), there’s a unique substitution that may be offered. It’s either presented in the form of you “meeting up” somewhere if they suddenly remembered your name and location, “hanging out” at some crowded space with other random people or another personal favorite – asking you to “come through” which is really morse code for getting fu@ked.

Photo Credit: Brian Ward via Twitter
Photo Credit: Brian Ward via Twitter

I could go on and on but again,  you get where I’m going with this and many of us can readily admit how screwed up the dating scene is.  As if dealing with another person’s baggage, lifestyle challenges and everything else isn’t enough, now we have a generation of lazy daters.  I just wish we could bring back that old school type of dating.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Hooray for Great First Dates!

He started things off the right way by only taking one look at my profile, sending me a decent introductory message that was far more creative than “Hello beautiful” or worse – “Hi”. It didn’t take twenty inbox chats later to know that we were both interested and after a few days here’s what I received: “Congratulations! You have successfully passed the grammar text and have graduated to the next level – here’s my number so give me a call sometime…” A smart ass who appreciates the importance of grammar and using the same type of snarky lines I’m used to dishing out? Oh yeah, this is definitely my kind of guy so when it came to the exchange of numbers do you think there was as much as an introductory telephone call? Nope. All we did was text and text and text.

I’m on a mission to break these fools of the lazy dating habits that start out with the assumption that everyone likes the same thing but what people fail to realize is that men (and women) who carry on like this aren’t just busy – they’re stupid, immature or just shady. No one is that busy and while this same person is sitting there clicking buttons on the same phone they could have just called you on, they prefer the silly emoticons and simple messages.  I normally shut this behavior down immediately and not only does my dating profile let the men know that text hockey isn’t for me, I’ll tell anyone that I meet in person as well.  So after a couple of days of this nonsense here’s what I sent to him:

Screenshot_2014-12-08-20-27-35-1Sending this type of text message to a guy usually will yield one of two results: he responds with something like “I know you’re a busy person so figured texting is easier” or “I figured you’re busy, give me a call anytime”. This one took a different approach because no sooner had I fired off that message was he calling me and so began our real interaction. Nice recovery though I joked with him that it wasn’t mean to be a scare tactic but to make sure he understood right away what turned me off and to recognize that some of us are old-fashioned and you just don’t get to know someone via SMS. It turns out that he’s a smart cookie, carries on a conversation pretty well and while there was a span of about 2 weeks before actually meeting, I’m pleased to report that I had an enjoyable date this past weekend.

But as great of a time we had over dinner and a few cocktails, there’s that nagging little bitch in the back of my head saying “So what, you normally have great first dates – and??”. It’s true that while there have certainly been some pretty messed up encounters with the likes of nutcases like Bullet, cheapskates such as Skittles dude and career criminals like Enron, I have to admit that there have many more that went well except for those unfortunate cases where I simply wasn’t attracted to the men.   This one is definitely in my favor because I was interested in going out with him and not just as something to do and I’m attracted to him but not overly attracted if that makes sense. Basically, he’s cute and totally kissable but there’s no animalistic attraction so there’s no fear of screwing him too soon should we meet again. The only struggle I’m having is what to call him?

The names of the hangovers come to me pretty easily and are usually derived from something specific about a man such as his physical appearance, what he does for a living, a particular characteristic or if we’ve already met, a particular experience but in this instance, I’ve been a little conflicted. He is most certainly racially ambiguous because at first glance he could pass for being Middle Eastern, yet confused as being something else which is what the valet attendant struggled with when he started speaking Spanish to us Saturday night. He says he’s a long-distance truck driver but sure as hell doesn’t fit the typical image of the balding fat guy with plumber’s crack showing. He’s lived in the Leimert Park section of Los Angeles all of his life and has that urban flavor but isn’t the typical “LA dude” if you know what I mean. In short, neither his looks nor the way he carries himself are in alignment with what he’s told me about himself so he’s either full of something or is just an anomaly.

I like the fact that he hasn’t asked me to send him a bunch of photos (just one, that’s doable). I like how he’s complimenting without going overboard and how he hasn’t asked me repeatedly why I’m single. I like how he carefully balances the communication between us with the right amount of text messages here and a few telephone calls there. I like how he’s actually interested in how my day is going as opposed to asking just for the sake of asking. I like his sense of humor but his directness at the same time which tells me there’s a possibility he will readily say what’s on his mind. I just like the idea of something new and refreshing and will look forward to the next outing and go with the flow.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Too Much Continued….Minus the Spam!

For the first time in the years I’ve been writing this blog, a post was sent out loaded with Spam content including everything from naughty messages to Cialis recommendations.  Could it be purely coincidental since “erectile dysfunction” was one of the tagged phrases?  I don’t know but apologize profusely for any confusion.  While there were quite a few dirty birds who were still able to read through the muddle, here’s the post again without the Spam:

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I’ll just cut to the chase and say that this weekend was a bit of a whirlwind and no – this has nothing to do with that nice fella I went camping with a few weeks ago.  That poor guy still remains stuck in that same zone after about three months now and although he was a perfect gentleman, treated me like royalty and loved that I got along so well with his group of friends, his status hasn’t elevated not one bit. Strictly platonic and even after sleeping in the same bed inside our tent he got nothing more than a kiss on the cheek.  At least I tried and tried to feel something for him but I just can’t force the physical attraction felt for any man and as a woman, when we’ve made up our minds about who we’re having sex with and how soon, it will happen.  In fact, just a few days earlier during the week as I sipped my key lime martini while chatting with a girlfriend I told her about my upcoming date, adding how it was time for some fresh meat so my mind was made up about how the date was going to end.  I knew that he was a good guy on paper and really has his life together, but his purpose has been defined based on him only being in California until his kid finishes school.  Sounds like a fling-material for sure so by Saturday that same friend received my update saying  “Grrrrrrrreat date, sore pu$$y and tow yard”.

There’s a lot going on in that last sentence, right?

The date itself was exactly what we both expected because our conversations leading up to it told us so.  We’re equally yoked. Smart, confident,  focused, sarcastic, funny, stable, direct, and sexually charged.  This guy is a straight shooter who loves to take charge and is willing and most importantly ABLE to afford life’s little luxuries.  He is the type of person who knows a little bit about everything and even though I joked a few times that he was borderline cocky, his ability to keep me engaged each time we speak is a definite plus.  If no one believes that how a man talks to you can be incredibly sexy, you heard it here and if he has a deep, soothing voice with crisp words of clarity, that is like the icing on a cake. Perhaps it’s the first date in months where I was actually attracted to the man on so many levels, or maybe it was the combination of alcohol and the booming beats at the bar we visited after dinner that had me so riled up.  I can’t really put say what made me so hot and heavy but my little kitty was ready for some action.  The way he stared at me from across the room with eyes that said he could just devour me was a turn on and  when he would touch me ever so gently while guiding my pool stick for that perfect shot, I was turned on even more.

Suffice to say that when we made it back to his place, it  was time to release a little tension.  Now here’s where things get a little interesting and for the life of me, I absolutely love a man who has dick control and doesn’t reach his peak and need to release too soon though I understand sometimes it can happen if it’s just that good.  On the other end of the spectrum is the man who takes a little while longer to get to the end which can be a little annoying to a woman but for the life of me – I have never ever ever been with a man like this whose appetite for sex and fellatio was continuous.  Hours have passed by and my legs are aching from being pressed against my chest, which has caused my breathing to be a little shallower from the pressure, combined with multiple orgasms so everything just felt really sore.  The only reason we actually took any periods of break is because I had tapped out and please believe it was enjoyable but damn – at what point does it become annoying when you’ve been going at it for so long?  Especially for a woman.  I told him where I could see a problem with us carrying on any further because intercourse seemed to be never ending for him (I even asked if he had popped a magic pill) but for me, I’m quite satisfied after about an hour in the same setting.  Am I alone here or is there really such a thing as too much of a good thing?

Fortunately, the minute man has only frequented these sugar walls once or twice in my life but I know of far too many women who deal with this in their relationships and marriages.  It sucks when you’re just getting started and the man is already done (the average length of sexual intercourse is about 5 minutes according to this article) but ladies should be careful what they ask for because the opposite end of the spectrum can be just as bad and anything beyond about 45 minutes at a time is crazy to me.   Let me repeat – we were going at it for hours and while my juices are definitely flowing pretty well, just as with anything else the wetness doesn’t last forever and after a while marathon sex just becomes frustratingly painful.  I think this woman sums up my feelings perfectly when this guy asks her what’s the problem and why she doesn’t like going a long time:

Because my internal organs are being repeatedly rammed with a nine inch long pole, and the outer bits get rubbed raw from simple stretching and chafing. I have extremely sensitive skin and a tiny vaginal opening, so even short sex sessions can leave me achy and feeling a little torn.

Here’s another comment on how marathon sex feels to women:

It’s not about how wet you can stay or how much lube you’re using so I think everyone gets sore after some time no matter of much lube you got.  Imagine shoving something big up your nose that stretches out your nostril for a long time;  Even if you had lube you would still get sore after a while.

Yes, that’s pretty much what I was feeling and a swollen and chaffed vagina serves neither of us any purpose.  Just to think – it’s been one whole year since I’ve had a new sexual partner, there’s no fear of me getting emotionally attached to this one and he truly has it together making him an ideal to date for a while but his appetite may be too much. Hopefully he’s taken heed to our post-sex discussions and realizes that going on and on until the break of dawn isn’t the way to go for me.  We’re going out again this weekend so we’ll see how things go and oh – about that tow yard?  Well….when we finally gave the bed a break and I sent him to fetch my overnight bag, something told me there was a problem when he hadn’t returned after almost half an hour.  It turns out that the area where he suggested my car stay parked was NOT an overnight parking spot so at some point between my first and last orgasm, my little red caboose was towed away.  A few telephone calls later, several miles down the road and $350.00 out of his pocket later, I was on my merry little way with my hangover, achy thighs and chaffed lips.

All things considered, it was a good date.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

One Time… in Band Camp

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Okay, well not exactly in band camp but man oh man does this date taking place in just a few minutes have an interesting throwback element.  Yes my lovelies, I am still alive but this new year has been off to a crazy, hectic start and dating simply has been priority level -1,5000,000.  There has been plenty of activity so far as dating and relationships all around me, including several engagements, a few bright star prospects and yes- a few unhappy endings.

But again, I haven’t given a hoot about my own dating situation in well over a month so imagine my surprise at being asked out by someone I met in a CPR class.  Someone who took a liking to me, wowed by my ability to make chest compressions and mouth-to-mouth looked sexy.  Most notably,  I’ve been asked to have dinner with someone who bullied and teased me on the school bus in the 7th grade.  I’m really broadcasting how old of a chick I really am, but I’ve always said how I NEVER forget a face; even one from twenty-three years ago.  Yesssssss, that’s a long time.

If you ever rode on a school bus you know that ride to school was a lively one and depending on the demographics, something called bagging was the highlight of your ride.  The Bully was notorious and I remember his scathing words that one day I decided to crack on him, the loud mouthed popular jock, and he let me have it!  From that day forward, I was known as “Buck” for my rainbow styled overboard from thumb sucking.  Best believe that dickhead made it his life purpose to yell out “Hey Buck” each morning that I hopped on that bus, making my way down that aisle towards the back.

Lucky for me, I’m not scarred for life and thank goodness for a fabulous orthodontist.

So let’s fast forward to that CPR class as he’s checking me out, I’m scanning his face like Kit trying to scan a criminal’s mind.  Wondering in between testing “Is this the same motherfucker who talked about my grill?!?!?!”  I wasn’t sure because it was so long ago, he’s a grown man and has put on some weight but the face and ears- yep, still the same.  For once, I took the easy way out and said nothing to him and certainly didn’t ask if he grew up in the area, went to THAT school.   Until last week, when I strolled to his office and let’s just say this- it WAS him.

Ah….. the sheer pleasure at being right that it was him.  It tickled me witnessing the denial as he repeatedly tried to convinceme that the culprit couldn’t possibly be him, followed by  absolute embarrassment.  But boy oh boy- it was nearly orgasmic to hear him say “Wow, look at you now.”  The Bully made it clear that he was interested and equally important, he really needed to make it up to me and “clear his name”.

A few chats later, numbers are exchanged and now here we are.  This dude seems pretty damn interested in me OR redeeming himself from his immature actions from a looooong time ago.

Until there’s a cure because damn it- it’s been three years since I’ve been single.

Carmen Jones