Program Change 

While contemplating my next move with Jon B, I’m realizing that aside from him being cute and seemingly good on paper, we really don’t have that much in common or at least nothing else that I can tell because he doesn’t talk about much.  

Sure, we both enjoy eating and indulging in cocktails, but other than that I only know that he’s hustling to expand his business, takes a lot of naps and feels slighted that his daughter isn’t too interested in his Skyping calls. That’s it – just the surface and superficial stuff.

So as I’m telling a friend about his latest radio silent act like, she silence me the most perfect suggestion:

“You need to take him off the boyfriend program and put him on the fuck boy program.  Treat him like he’s here to pass the time.”

This dude will consume several days in a row if I allowed him to and as much as I’m enjoying his company, everything seems to be on his terms and timeline which isn’t cool and another friend says I need to stop making myself so available.  

But isn’t that kind of like playing games?  If you are available and have nothing else to do, you should say no every once in a while so the other person thinks you’ve got other things going on?

Here’s what I don’t like: he responds to text messages and phone calls when he’s good and damn ready and if I’m trying to plan something in advance, he doesn’t get back until the last minute with a counteroffer. 

I don’t like being ignored because actions like this remind me of one or two hangovers from my past.  Seeing as how the average person is staring at their phone countless hours a day, it’s inconceivable that ten seconds can’t be taken to tap out a reply.  

I know this for a fact because I just did the same thing to another guy.  

He texted me at 10:29am and I saw my phone light up within a few minutes and could have replied with a simple “Hey, good
morning…Already working but we’ll chat later”, but I didn’t want to.  He’s nice and but I’m not feeling him at and figured responding too quickly would give him false hopes, so I would just respond later.  I didn’t respond until this afternoon.

See how this shit works?

Dealing with another one of those super busy and forgetful guys isn’t an appealing option, and neither is the possibility that he’s curving me so I asked him again if he wanted to become a fuck buddy and he’s saying no.  

His actions are telling me otherwise so I’ll give him a week or so, if that.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

 

Down with the Swirl- Part 2

So it’s been a few weeks of this swirling dating adventure with Jon B and I have a few observations to report.

No, not THE actual  R&B crooner hottie himself but as much as the new guy hates being told, that’s exactly who he favors.

😍😍😍😍😍

The Look a Like and I met on a Wednesday, went out that Friday, Saturday AND again that Sunday.  Repeat the following week and again.  What does this mean? Hell, I don’t know. We’re either mildly interested in each other OR we’re just looking for time fillers.

I haven’t been able to get a solid reading on the Look a Like, but I’m guessing he may be nothing more than another fuck boy.  He doesn’t ask any questions about my dating habits, so I’m not going there either.

Okay, now my observations in no particular order, and absence of any real logic:

1.  I’m happy to be stepping outside of my norm and comfort zone.

2.  Guys with an eclectic and artsy flair are so damn hot, especially if they are musicians.

3.  I’m elated and surprised to have met a non-black man who can make my panties moist just by kissing me on my neck.

4.  Most men are the same, regardless of race.

5.  Music is everything and sharing a common interest and passion is amazing.

6.  Most men are the same, regardless of race and do the same stupid shit.

7.  I’ve felt awkward on more than one  occasion when receiving the “look” from black men and women while out with my new friend.

8.  He is very comfortable dating black women, I’m the one feeling like a traitor.

9.  All men have a certain amount of communication blockage, regardless of race.

10.  Not every non-black man has a pink tip.

11.  I still feel strongly about pets in or near beds.

12. A man with his life together is everything!!!!!!!!

This story is still developing and can have a different update next week, or you’ll see me posting this:

20160927_211210

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Types of Men to Avoid When Dating 

Years ago when people actually read email forwards, I remember one that had been circulated quite a few times.  It was called the 12 types of men and while it was really targeted a more”urban” audience with its references to thugs and baby daddies, but still had a few on there that everyone could relate to.

Having become a seasoned dater, I can honestly say that I’ve probably dated every type of man there is – both  good and bad.  

While it’s true there’s no such thing as perfection with anyone,  there are definitely certain types that can drive you bat shit crazy or close to it.

You’ve read about many of them here from Special Agent, to Good on Paper and if course there are the nondescript types like Papi. 

For more on the types of men women should avoid, head on over to Digital Romance and check out the full article!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/5-types-of-men-avoid-like-plague/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones 

Down with the Swirl

Everything about this latest situation is different. 

I woke up this morning to both dogs at the foot of the bed; Thelma on his side and Louise on my side.  Every now and then, feeling each one turning around head as if to make sure we’re in our spot.

After snapping the photo of our guardians, I turned over to study the intricate design of his tatted back.  I love the way his olive skin tone allows each detail to pop.

Oh yes, I said olive.

I said this was different; it’s my first time swirling while dating and I like it.

We all know I’ve had plenty of success stories and this blog tells you how those all ended.

No expectations here, but can I at least hope for no more disappointments?

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When The Texts Stop Coming

2016-08-18_19.07.40I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been in a situation where we met someone new, exchanged numbers and after a few text messages, felt like things may be going in the right direction.  But then the communication starts changing a little bit or those texts stop altogether, leaving you wondering what went wrong and I’m sorry fellas – the men are normally on the receiving end of this confusion.

But have you ever wondered what you may have sent that may have turned a woman off?

I’ve got a couple of reasons to explain why we stop responding to text messages, so head on over to Digital Romance to check out my latest article.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Can Incompatibility Be The Problem?

He’s giving me that look again, rubbing on my leg and talking dirty to me.  I know what he wants and don’t know if I can stomach another round with him. In fact, the last time I almost reached towards the nightstand to get B.O.B. and this was while we were having sex.

I have been fortunate enough to have had some marvelous sexual conquests in my life. However just the same, there have been a few men who have fallen short (pun intended) in the bedroom and if this was just someone I was having a little fun with, I would chop it up as a loss and move on.  But when the sex isn’t so great with someone you really care for, in a relationship with or even married to, it’s a very big deal.

If you have ever found yourself being sexually frustrated or even repulsed at the thought of being intimate with someone, go on over to Digital Romance, Inc.* and check out my Guest Post about sexual compatibility:  https://digitalromanceinc.com/romance/sexual-incompatibility-putting-strain-relationship/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

*Digital Romance, Inc., one of the best sites for dating and relationship advice.

5 Things Women Want in a Man

what women want

Someone new reached out to me over the weekend online and sent this:

I know there’s  less than a snowball chance in hell that you will even respond to this message, but sending it anyway.

Your profile is well written and you’re photos are great,  depicting a woman who’s  at the tip of her game. Yet you’re  single (presumably) and online.

This might be out of line, but I’m guessing you’re still single because you’re looking for that perfect guy  on your carefully crafted list of about 101 different things.

But maybe… just maybe I’m wrong and if so, you’ll respond and we’ll end up riding off into the sunset.

Just hoping I’m  at least I’m the top 10.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Interesting opening message and I’m case you’re wondering what in the world I’m saying in my profile, let me assure you – nothing that prompts this kind of reply.

In fact, it’s been edited to just the basics: I’m single, have a cat, enjoy photography and blogging and looking to date.

That’s all.

But the strikes a chord with me. There are so many people (women included) who believe there’s this ridiculously long complex list of requirements singles require.  Not true, not even  a little bit so I put together 5 things a woman really wants in a man.

You can check it out on Digitalromance!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/women-want-in-a-man-5-things-simple/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

About Digital Romance:

Digital Romance, Inc., is the premier resource offering some of the best advice on dating and relationships.

A Message for The Older Woman

One of my hangovers (USBC) was obviously feeling himself this morning when he decided to post this message:
image

In short, he’s us (yeah you, women 40 and over) that guys like HIM are now the hottest commodities around.  The ones who have been constantly jammed into that friend zone by women who just weren’t into him.

So today he decided to be the spokesperson for all of the men who just never made the cut and pound on his chest while basically yelling out “Now you lonely bitches want ME!”.

Oddly enough, I found this to be pretty funny because he’s not the only one who’s made comments like this in recent weeks.
image

Several of the men stuck in a woman’s friend zone feel like their singlehood is because of our refusal to do one thing – settle.

Do you want to know what may happen if we do end up going for the one would just doesn’t do it for us?  I could ask the dozen or so friends of mine who have done it and one word sums it up – cheat.

So on behalf of the single and over 40 club, I would like to thank you for this morning’s PSA.  And oh- not all single women over 40 make the mad dash to adopt a cat.  We like dogs as well.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Older Men With Roommates?

imageFor the love of God,  why are there so many men with roommates in Los Angeles????

I haven’t even begun to share the details about the guy I’m supposed to be dating “exclusively” because I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to have agreed to that, and so soon.

So in my moment of doubt  (and being a tad bit trifling), I went ahead and signed up on another dating site.  You know, to poke around a little bit a see if I stumbled on someone who has it a little more together.

And guess what  happened today?

I exchanged numbers with a guy who seemed interesting enough.  We’re about 10 minutes into the conversation and he starts complaining  about not liking the city he recently moved to.  He mumbles something about having been too rushed and not taking his time to find a place, so I asked for details.   Sure enough, he finally tells me he has a roommate and even better?

It’s a female.

imageGot a 4 bedroom beach house with plenty of bathrooms and living space?  Totally understandable.   Sharing cramped spaces in the basic Los Angeles apartment building?   Not so much.

I know what some of you may be thinking.   Just know that it’s merely a preference to consider dating a man who is independent and self-sustaining.   It isn’t about judging their situation which for most part, may only be temporary and you better believe there are many women who think like this.

imageBut what happens if things progress?  So now it’s me and him planning visits around a roommate,  considering their plans, wants or even moods.   And what about when it comes to fucking?  Tell me to stop moaning so loud,  stop grabbing the headboards and no more smacking of the ass?

This is the FOURTH man in a row who has approached me with a sketchy living situation.

I just can’t and if I do, it’ll  be half -asses because I’m too damn old to play the tip toe game for someone’s roommate.  All I ask is that a man possess the basics,  and of he can come with more, even better.  It’s sad to know that the older they get, the worse off they seem to be.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Great First Dates

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

In case the point isn’t being emphasized enough, I think we might have a winner so let’s just call him Winner!

Last night’s date was a smashing success and even better, the feeling is mutual since we ended the night by texting each other pretty much the same thing and woke up texting nearly the same words as last night which – we were happy to have met, enjoyed the relaxed and open conversation an agreed how everything flowed effortlessly.  Our chemistry was amazing and if you were looking over at our table while we laughed over good food and drinks, you would never have known that we were on our first date.

It’s about damn time and I’m so glad I didn’t let the tiresome day and drain of the week stop me from going through with the date.

A real date (not one of those bullshit Starbucks coffee meet ups), where the man did the planning (instead of asking what do you want to do), asked about details (were we dressing causal or adding a little flair) and most importantly, the person showing up matched who was being represented online (I’m sure he’s closer to 5’7 than 5’9 but still, he looked like his photos).

The most important detail?  He’s ready.

Winner wants to settle down, is over the dating scene (especially online dating though I’m only the second off the site) and mentioned a word that resonated with me greatly – partner.

Not once during our discussion which included everything from beer to golf to real estate to intimacy, did he say he was looking for someone to “chill with” nor did he say a girlfriend is what he wanted but he made it clear that he was looking for a partner.  What’s even better is that he had pretty clear meaning of exactly what that person was, how she took care of herself, her mate, the kinds of goals in life she should have and more.

It was surreal sitting beside a man that was on the same page and he’s thought long and hard about how to what he’s looking for in a woman (though I’m concerned he might be in too much of a hurry to end his single status) and seems pretty confident that I’m exactly what he’s looking for after only one meeting.

He’s nice-looking, has a stable career, able to articulate well and has an amazing sense of humor and just as he was complimenting of the type of woman I represented, he appears to have so many qualities that I’m looking for in a man but of course – there are always a few things about a person that don’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy or quite simply, are turnoffs and deal breakers.

His living situation, his ovary hustling dreams and the puff-puff.

Winner owns a 3-bedroom home not far from me that he shares with his 6 year-old daughter and his ex-fiance.  That is a BIG problem for me because I don’t give a hoot how much a person can say something is over, living under the same roof is not a clean break-up.  If you hear his story, it probably makes him look like a good guy with a huge heart with a lot of patience until the courts had to get involved.  But so what, I don’t like the sounds of an ex anything being in the same house. Not only are the feelings still there which may be good or bad like this article points out, for the new person coming in to know that you are just a few feet away from a late night or early morning booty creep isn’t something that would set well with any sane person.

“He’s not ready to start a new relationship. He’s still living with someone” – Exetiquette.com

Now the only saving grace is that he says the ex has a court order to be out of the home by February 1st 2016 which isn’t far away at all, but as I’ve said time and time again – situations like that are messy and a person really should not date or entertain anything similar until their old business has been fully handled.  Sure that date will be here before I know it but so what – I’m not okay with it and as a result, he’s been forewarned that he has earned a spot in the friend zone.  Who’s to say what will happen in February and how messy what is essentially an eviction (because she wouldn’t leave voluntarily after the break up) ends when the time comes so again, the living situation is an issue for me and likely for any other women he’s attempted to date.

My online profile says “does not want children” and his said “undecided/open” and just in case my response here isn’t clear, it is mentioned during any messaging and I assure you, he and I had this conversation before meeting where I made it understood that there was no on the fence for me.  I’m 40 years-old with a teenager and I don’t care if he’s the most doting father ever, having another one if so not an option for me.  So during dinner the topic comes up again where he’s mentioning “one more kid, maybe a boy and….” I have to remind him that if he’s set on hustling these ovaries, I’m not his girl.  He joked around a bit more and mumbled something about being able to change my mind and I believe he’s really convinced of that.  Not good, not good at all.  Is he going to be the one who acts as if he’s accepting of one thing while plotting all along to veer a person in the other direction?

Last concern is the smoking – why does it seem as if every black man I’ve met in the last two or three years have a habit of smoking marijuana?  Each will make it seem like they only smoke “occasionally” in the beginning but then really fess up to needing a hit once or a couple times a day.  Most women (unless they’re tokers too) don’t care for it and I’m not really a fan either so while it isn’t a major deal breaker since it’s something I did long ago, I could do without.  His saving grace is that his lips aren’t discolored, I didn’t smell it in his clothes and the bonus he added is that he doesn’t smoke blunts.  Really, he said this like it was for bonus points or something while mentioning the benefits.  Ummm, okay.

Okay, so there you have it – a great first date and introduction to a (seemingly) nice guy along with some points of pain.  I won’t mention my concerns about his level of eagerness to move forward because it’s possible there have simply been so many men I’ve met who weren’t about anything serious tainting my opinions.  For now we can both practice a little patience and continue getting to know each other but as I stated earlier, with some definite boundaries on how far until issue #1 is handled and ironically, he had a few recommendations for me.

“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”

While talking about past relationships and relations, we both revealed that side bar sex buddy – for him, some young 20’something who was good for nothing more than a quick roll in the hay and a little smoking an for me, my 18 year sexual marriage with Papi.  He offered some interesting insight on why things have been going on for so long saying I shouldn’t be worried about how his living situation is going to end because it will be a simple split in a couple of months, but more concerned about ending my dealings with Papi which are a must before we get serious.

Now really – which do you think is the bigger issue to resolve?  My unrelationship which has never been anything more than in between the sheets or his 5-year dealings with a woman he once said “will you marry me” to?

I’ll let that sit for a moment or for as long as it takes for his unfinished business at home to be resolved.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

We’re Just Friends

I felt some kind of way about one of the guys who has been in the friend zone now for about 3 years and it was a cross between empathy and not giving a shit, with the scales tipping closer to the latter.

Should women like me feel guilty because we have one, two or ten men in the friend zone? I say no, unless we’re giving them some false hope that they can actually be something more.

The guy I’m talking about?  He’s nice, thoughtful and considerate but this is exactly where he will be as far as the eyes can see but sometimes I feel sorry for him.

As I realized how much fun we had together during our latest adventure and any of our other outings (from movies to camping to water parks and even concerts), a part of me really hopes he would meet the woman of his dreams and he would leave his fantasy of anything between us in the dust.

Then I started thinking that maybe I’m blowing smoke up my butt and realized it’s possible he’s been over the thought of us being anything more.

I tell myself I’m nothing more than the filler in times of boredom and a need for a good times or willing participant if he’s scored an extra ticket to something, so he’s already accepted his position with no expectations.

That is until he sends this text message a few hours after our latest roller skating adventure:

“Make sure you stay dry in this rain – I know how you women stress about your hair getting all wet and tangled.  Oh, and I’m still hoping for the day I get to run my fingers through it and maybe even pull it. Kidding, but not really.”

He tried it.

Not the first time either because about a year or so again (we had been drinking, so a pass is given for impairment of faculties), he tried to slip me a kiss on the lips as he was leaving my place.

When I didn’t respond to this not so subtle way of saying he wanted to talk about more than rain, he sends a recovery message saying how much he values me “as a friend” and really enjoys my company when we’re together.

These are just a few scenarios of how a guy tries to handle being stuck in this twilight zone of emotions because it’s what he asked for.

“When confident, social people get stuck in this situation, they cut their losses and move on.”

If you’re wondering how someone (man or woman) even finds themselves in this type of situation, there are three different possibilities of how it happened: (1) they were shot down from the gate because someone simply wasn’t interested, (2) started seeing someone and within a few dates (or sex), didn’t make the cut or (3) were in a relationship and being friends was offered as some kind of consolation.

I don’t like sharing, won’t accept second best and don’t go for the friends line.  If a man knows my intent and isn’t interested in playing,  I’m out.  Bye, see ya!

In this guy’s case, I wasn’t physically attracted to him because his online photos (shorter, fluffier) and persona (not confident, lack of drive, unsure of what he wants and drinks way too much) didn’t match with who I actually met in person.   After the first date I told him he was really fun and cool to hang with, but that we weren’t a good fit.

I DID NOT SUGGEST THAT WE JUST BE FRIENDS.

Honestly, I’ve never muttered the dreaded “I think we should just be friends” because of my thoughts on these types of fifth deals:  If you were interested in dating someone or worse, getting in a relationship why in the world do you think offering or being asked to just be a friend will work?

image

Does your attraction or interest in a person suddenly switch from on to off?

It doesn’t work and guys (or women) are only settling and selling themselves short because their needs aren’t going to be met.

Since he is truly a nice person and I’m guaranteed a good time whenever we’re together, a part of me feels bad for him.  I find myself sizing him up and thinking if he did a, b or c and changed x, y and z then he may have a chance at something.  If one of my well meaning friends asks “You sure you can’t just overlook some of those things”, I’ll do the same assessment.

But then the other side of my brain understands this is what HE asked for and is old enough to know the risks of being stuck in the friend zone.

I no longer have to wonder if he’s accepted our situation for what it is, because his actions and comments tell me he has been hoping for a back door entrance into my life as something more than just a friend.

Too bad buddy.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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