Friends with Benefits – My Dating Hangovers

Feb, 2017

The Ghost of F@ck Boys Past

They say when you close one door, another one opens.

But isn’t that new door supposed to come with something new, different or better than the last?

Any leftover energy is released and I’m increasing my chances of meeting and dating a really great man. This is how it should work.

So if I absolutely decimated the relationship with one man because it was no longer healthy for me, the next man that makes contact with me should be the REAL thing, right?

In what I thought was the most pristine way possible, I told Papi to disappear.

Forever.

I’m still processing everything and the scathing response that followed, but I did. Which leads me to my question above, because in my mind, letting go of that confusing situation would make me 100% available.

No lose ends, no chance of a comeback.

So today, just a week later I’m getting a message by the only other man I had allowed the back and forth shenanigans from.

Good on Paper.

We have lots and lots of history starting here and here.

This isn’t my idea of “better” after closing that first door.

I don’t need a replacement fuck buddy for Papi, so why must the sex gods be so cruel to me??

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Oct, 2016

And just like that…

My swirly stint with Jon B is over!

It became too confusing trying to decipher his mixed signals when he’s doing one thing but continuously tells me that he wants to “take things slow”

What the hell does that mean?!?!

Not once did I press him with one of those “what’s next” or “what are you looking for” conversations, not once. While he’s repeating his mantra of wanting to take it slow, he should have just said he’s not interested in the seriously dating (or dating me) because I was getting a little confused.

Wanting to see me more than one day in a week, especially taking up my weekends isn’t necessary if you want to take it slow so again, how does that work?

It’s too soon to be having these kinds of conversations more than once.

The first time I asked him what was up with his delayed respond to text messages, he offered up some talk about business being crazy or some remodeling stress and the second time I mentioned it he told me he didn’t have to talk every day.

Which part did you want to take slow?

So when I told him I wasn’t really sure what he was trying to do here and that I figured he was trying to be my replacement fuck buddy, he would tell me again how he wanted to “take things slow”.

Did he want to take it slow when he was whispering naughty words in my ear while kissing me up and down my neck? Or maybe he wanted to take it slow when he had that sudden urge to follow me to the ladies bathroom, doing a body search to see if I was wearing any panties?

Could he have wanted to slow things down after our little bedroom tryst before that movie date? Oh wait, I got it – he really needed to take things slow after that missing condom scare.

I am not a toy he can play with when bored, lonely or horny.

Here’s the bottom line: I made the mistake of thinking I was dating someone, when he was just “hanging out” when he needed something to do. His actions made this all perfectly clear because nearly every time we would get together, it would be on his terms and timeframe.

In addition to all of this, not once did he ask me any of those questions that a man would normally wonder about if they were interested; he never asked if I was dating or seeing anyone else and never asked if I was sexually active with anyone.

He never asked because it never mattered.

So after our last conversation this past Thursday night, I realized he was really beginning to act like a fuck boy, and then I started playing games.

His texts were being ignored, I took my sweet time returning his calls and once he left a message saying “Hey stranger, give me a call back”, I was satisfied that he’d been given a taste of his own medicine. Finally, I responded to him by text with a “Have a great weekend” and he replies “You do the same Carmen”, (deliberate use
of my name means fuck you) so I realized this gig was up.

I’m after that mutual attraction and connection.

If I meet someone and the feeling is mutual that we’re interested and wanting to know each other beyond a few outings, we will WANT to communicate and as often as we’re able.

I know this kind of man exists because I’ve had them before and since I’m really not trying to recruit a replacement for Papi (though there’s likely no such thing), why settle for being the woman that is just a time filler?

I tried it.

It was fun while it lasted and now this is yet another item I can check off on my bucket list, even though he is a watered down version of the swirling experience. At least I can say I was open to an interracial experience and maybe willing to try it again because at the end of the day, the actions and intentions of the man make the difference.

Not the ethnicity.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Sep, 2016

Down with the Swirl- Part 2

So it’s been a few weeks of this swirling dating adventure with Jon B and I have a few observations to report.

No, not THE actual R&B crooner hottie himself but as much as the new guy hates being told, that’s exactly who he favors.

😍😍😍😍😍

The Look a Like and I met on a Wednesday, went out that Friday, Saturday AND again that Sunday. Repeat the following week and again. What does this mean? Hell, I don’t know. We’re either mildly interested in each other OR we’re just looking for time fillers.

I haven’t been able to get a solid reading on the Look a Like, but I’m guessing he may be nothing more than another fuck boy. He doesn’t ask any questions about my dating habits, so I’m not going there either.

Okay, now my observations in no particular order, and absence of any real logic:

1. I’m happy to be stepping outside of my norm and comfort zone.

2. Guys with an eclectic and artsy flair are so damn hot, especially if they are musicians.

3. I’m elated and surprised to have met a non-black man who can make my panties moist just by kissing me on my neck.

4. Most men are the same, regardless of race.

5. Music is everything and sharing a common interest and passion is amazing.

6. Most men are the same, regardless of race and do the same stupid shit.

7. I’ve felt awkward on more than one occasion when receiving the “look” from black men and women while out with my new friend.

8. He is very comfortable dating black women, I’m the one feeling like a traitor.

9. All men have a certain amount of communication blockage, regardless of race.

10. Not every non-black man has a pink tip.

11. I still feel strongly about pets in or near beds.

12. A man with his life together is everything!!!!!!!!

This story is still developing and can have a different update next week, or you’ll see me posting this:

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Sep, 2015

When a Woman’s Ready to Go

Here’s how you blow up 18 years in a single text message:

“I’m such a punk because I should have said this last night.

I can NOT separate these (new) emotions from amazing sexual chemistry and with each visit, it gets worse.

Confuses me and I send stupid shit like this.

But… I do want sooooo much more in my life than just an occasional tryst, no matter how incredible. I know what I want and you can’t give me that.

So for me, it feels like I’m settling and I can’t do that.

Not the best way to tell you and for that I’m sorry.”

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again- I don’t swim in murky waters. This situation with Papi was as dirty as the Mississippi River for me, so I opted to bail out the water (feelings) and row away.

Oh and in case you’re wondering, he most certainly had something to say in response which for me, made this even easier:

“I just have to find a way to make it more than what it is”.

I wanted to know what the hell that meant buy quickly realized it didn’t matter.

He missed the point that I was (selfishly) making things all about me.

Me sharing my thoughts wasn’t meant to liberate his hidden feelings and it sure as has wasn’t to be taken as some kind of ultimatum.
I don’t want Papi to have to find a way or try figure out anything.

He just needs to realize that’s he’s getting ready to experience something his “careful treading” had successfully avoided for such a long time- the disappearance of me.

Once and for all.

Damn shame because yes – the d@!# WAS that good.

Until there’s a cure..

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

Aug, 2015

Shit or Get Off The Pot

It’s been a loooooong time coming, but finally my time has come around again. After the last conversation Papi and I had, we both resolved that the feelings we had (albeit confusing) needed to be dealt with.

“After so many years, how could we not have some strong emotions” he said somewhat emphatically. He’s so right and after quite a few years, I’m finally on the same page with a man.

We both realized it was worth a shot trying something that was beyond the sex. We spent a lot of time talking about what our ideal companion looked like and conceded that we were likely looking right at it- in one another.

It’s amazing how I rarely will take a leap of faith without any second guessing and with him, I’m doing just that. In fact, he wasn’t out the door more than five minutes before I went online and canceled my dating account. Now here I am thinking of what’s to come and while only time will tell if there’s anything here, if we’ll revert back to cut buddies only or worse, nothing at all.

I might be getting closer.

But wait…..

There’s just one thing- this isn’t exactly what’s going on with us since my last update because in reality, not a fucking thing has transpired after our little chat. Not a word, conversation, text and I do mean nothing, nada, zilch.

Let me tell you what did happen.

Papi said what he had to say, I said what I had to say. I asked him why he never ever said anything to me about his current “state of confused emotions” and most importantly, why he never ever mentioned anything to me about how he’s felt in the past.

He said he figured it was just best to keep it to himself and not rock the boat, which is how we’ve been able to carry on like this for so long. He just kept feelings to himself and since I never gave any green lights that said “Go”, he figured he would stay in his lane.

Blank stare.

I probably stood there glaring at him in disbelief before finally responding “What the hell? You never gave me any signals or indication that you wanted anything but the red light so how would I have known?”

I wanted to know why he never asked if I was involved with someone whenever we struck up another round and after all of these years, why hadn’t he mentioned that he was even remotely interested. He said he didn’t want to hear about my involvement with another man and I told him to a woman this translates into you not giving a shit about anything else.

I told him I wasn’t a mind reader and that if he was interested, he should have just said what he needed to say and deal with it. This went on and on for a few rounds and eventually he starts laughing and tells me “Damn Carmen, you sound just like a man with some of the things you’re saying to me”.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told something like this which further proves that my innate ways of saying or doing the types of ridiculous things most men are guilty of doing are right on the mark.

Papi recognized this and it made me wonder if he’s used to being the one on the other side of the fence. We realized we weren’t getting anywhere and besides, it was already late at night so we bid our farewells and he was out the door which takes me back to the beginning of this post – the fact that nothing in the last two and a half weeks has transpired since that night.

We kind of left the “state of confused emotions” hanging for the past two and a half weeks but the art of practicing avoidance isn’t one of my strong points.

I would much rather face things head on and deal with the outcome, whether it’s to my satisfaction or not and although we had a quick session last week, I haven’t said anything else and neither has he. A few months ago I made the comment about knowing why I was single and not understanding what his deal was, someone who was seemingly such a great catch.

Yet after a few discussions about his interaction with different people such a particular co-worker and more importantly, his ex-wife, one thing jumped out at me.

His style of communication which was in his own words, not always received very well adding that he had been told many times that he came off as being condescending and not giving two shits about much of anything.

Okay, perhaps avoidance of issues is just how he rolls but that is so different from me. I would much rather hear something standard of these kinds of men like “I’m just not in a position to offer you anything more” than nothing at all.

If there’s anyone out there willing to explain to me how things should work from here with this sexual relationship while we’re trying to ignore the elephant in the room, I’m all ears but my inner instinct is telling me exactly what should happen from here.

I need to resolve that I’ve arrived at that time in my life where I need to stop allowing this man to be my eternal back up plan.

That’s what he has always been because any time I’ve been in between relationships and the dating prospects haven’t been too serious, he has been there ready to provide and fulfill my needs but it’s never been for anything more than just sex.

There’s no specific explanation I can provide for why it took me this long to catch feelings. 18 years.

I can only guess that it was my turning 40 and having one of the most definitive ideas of what I’m looking for in a man. Or maybe I can guess again that it was due to my lack of involvement with any real distractions (men). Hell, I can even guess that once our intimate interactions took a turn, we began to explore each other’s boundaries a lot more, things got really intense and intense the hormones became confused with emotions.

Whichever the case, it’s not something that fits into any logical place for me and I would be lying if I said we could just carry on like usual is a possibility. I think it’s just time to move on and this time – it needs to be for good.

It makes me wonder if I should have said anything to him at all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

Aug, 2015

Breaking the Rules

Rule #1 of having a friend with benefits – don’t catch feelings.

Rule #2 of having a friend with benefits – don’t catch feelings.

If only there was a manual for how to successfully carry on with this type of thing. Too bad I never thought to read 10 Simple Rules to Maintaining a Successful Sex Buddy Relationship.

Here’s my deal.

In an effort to minimize my slut factor throughout the years, I have kept the company of two male “companions” whose sole purpose in my life was to dick me down. No drama, no dating, no regular telephone calls and no questioning of each other’s dealings or actions in anyway.

Each of these men held their positions for extended periods of time (one beginning in 2007, the other dating back to 1998) which is good in theory because we became used to each other and knew exactly how to satisfy one another.

One of these “companions” by the name of Good on Paper started off as just the cut buddy. At some, I allowed him to try and be more when he thought he wanted more than just sex. Against my better judgment in spite of my gut saying no, I didn’t all object when he began breaking each of the rules that make this type of situation successful.

HE caught feelings.

GOP started calling more often, sending me those daily “good morning beautiful” messages that most women are suckers for, trying to make plans for things outside of the bedroom and more – basically, trying to court me.

I was completely open to the idea but there’s just one thing about certain men who think they know what they want but aren’t sure if that’s what they want. They will always fuck it up in the end which is exactly what GOP did. He fell off slowly with one thing here and something else there until he eventually did the unthinkable – planned a date and nevershowed up.

Needless to say, none of that went over well and quickly, I nipped any further interactions in the bud. My tolerance from the kind of bullshit that men can dish out is pretty low and I quickly became so frustrated with his inconsistent behavior that I no longer wanted to deal with him on any level – not even for sex and the way he put it down (see my top ten ever) you know I had to be pretty pissed.

We should have left well enough alone because we had been carrying on for years with the “I’ll be home shortly, bring the condoms” kind of situationship and had pretty much pissed all of our good vibes away in a matter of weeks. The dynamics had been changed from how they began – no, ruined and my stubborn as was never able to get beyond and his place had been fully secured in the hangovers wall of shame.

So now there’s the second “companion”, Papi.

If you go back and read through the moments I’ve shared with this man, you can easily see that we have been consistently inconsistent. We have taken the phrase on again/off again to the extreme and any gaps in us communicating and getting together were never due to any bad vibes, issues or any arguments. It’s as simple as one person falling off or being too busy and we each just went on with our lives until one of us resurfaced and re-ignited the flame.

We have remained friends with the benefits of not having to deal with all of the extras that come between men and women. It has worked for so many years and now something has happened.

WE caught feelings.

My last post was really about me having to admit to something that the alpha in me doesn’t want to do – that I had somehow lost my bearings and wasn’t handling the more consistent dealings with Papi very well. The fact that I actually told him is even more confusing for me and the fact that he responded made that whirlwind effect of thoughts and emotions even worse.

“We can discuss that… I’m in crazy production mode right now, but we’ll get some clarity. Emotions aren’t mutually exclusive to you.”

I wasn’t completely sure what he was trying to say here, so the pessimistic side took it as being something bad. Very bad but when realizing I wasn’t too confident in the meaning of mutually exclusive I went to look up the meaning which quite honestly, only added to the confusion.

As a woman, you know we can take the same message that was delivered to a man and dissect, inspect and interpret a million different ways. Seeing this in a text message as opposed to having talked about it makes this analysis paralysis even worse. So what do we do? We take a couple of screenshots and then enlist the support of a friend or two (or three) asking them to try figuring out what is being said because of course, this is sooooooo much better than talking to the man directly, right?

Two of my girlfriends took it the wrong way and were trying to soothe my bruised feelings, encouraging me to just accept that he’s saying he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and keep it moving. Fortunately, a third friend interpreted it another way suggested I just pump my brakes and discuss it further which is exactly what I did.

Let’s fast forward a couple of days…

We’re laying in my bed hot and sweaty, trying to gather our bearings from an intense session and I commented how refreshing that was and referred to him as Mr. Mutually Exclusive.

I asked him clarify what the hell that meant and he says “What I was saying in my message is that you’re not the only one with emotions. I’m in the same position and what’s so bad is that it isn’t MY first time being here trying to figure out what, if anything to do about it.”

Well I’ll be damned. I’m not the only one who’s been holding out, but now I feel like a soap opera cliffhanger. What now???

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

Apr, 2015

The 18 Year Situation

There’s something that happens when a woman is feeling really sexy and it could be something as simple as that dress fitting just right around her hips, those new stilettos or that new red lipstick.

We feel as if we need to be seen by everyone and it could mean a night out with the girls or a night in with a man. This evening it was just the thought of him and since I was feeling particularly frisky before getting dressed, the bad girl in me decided to take a photo or two. It wasn’t anything sleazy or something I would be ashamed of if that text message I was sending to him ended up in the wrong hands, but it was just enough.

A simple message was attached asking “What time are we off work tonight” and when he replied “Damn, not soon enough but on time tonight without any curve balls. I can’t wait to bathe in your hormones”.

Papi always comes back with the right answer and as he reminded me several days ago his “moves are usually in synergy” with what I like, hence the reason we have never had a falling out or disagreement in our 18 year history.

We have been consistently inconsistent with one another and while it doesn’t seem as if it’s been that long, I remember our first encounter right after graduating from college in 1998. I was the young and mouthy chick who thought she was pretty experienced, but he quickly and effortlessly showed me that I was a glorified amateur. Whatever it took to satisfy ME when it came to intimacy has been this man’s goal from day one and when I say he has never failed me between the sheets, I mean never.

How many people can honestly say they’ve been with someone who can satisfy you with mind blowing sex each and every time? Go ahead and think about it, I’ll wait.So while I’m telling my girlfriend over drinks about my needing to sneak away from the group a little early she asks the same thing several others have asked – why haven’t we tried anything else besides the fucking?

She could tell how much respect I have for him and knew I had to care for this man in some way, but couldn’t understand how he could seem like the completed package and we haven’t progressed to anything else. I replied that we gave it a shot at something else during a daytime outing (and only once) many years ago, and it was one of the most awkward dates ever. Uncomfortable silence among two great conversationalists is just mind blowing but that’s what happened. We just stared across the table at each other and finally started laughing before “we tried, back to business as usual” and that we.

After hearing all of this she just shakes her head in amazement and tells me “That’s your husband; you guys are in a sexual marriage”.

Hearing someone clearly define this situation using words other than friend with benefits or fuck buddy was pretty damn amazing to me. I would have never thought of it that way but realizing the extent of history (and not just the sexual exploration over the years) I’ve had with Papi I realized she’s right and at the same time, remembered that NO other man will ever be able to do the one thing he has done – he was involved with me before I had a child (flawless body), while I was with child (it was over with the father sooner than later) and now after my child (stretch marks and some extra pounds).

Throughout all of the life experiences he has never wavered or broken his pattern of consistency with me when it came to the intimate moments.

Never.

Now we can fast forward to the last two months and now Papi and I have been more on than off, mainly because I haven’t really had any interest in finding someone for anything more meaningful. Sure, there’s the occasional date here and there but these men just don’t seem to do it for me so the desire and effort is minimal at best. While this seems as if my existence in the online world is nothing more than something to do, the bigger concern I have is whether I’m just really messed up and confused about what I really want and may have turned into one of those women who doesn’t care about anything else or I’m in denial.

Is it possible for you to have relations with someone for this long of a time without having any desire for anything more or better yet – not have strong feelings or even be in love?

What’s wrong with me or what’s wrong with him?

Guess I’m going to need to let those thoughts marinate a bit but just a little because we all know that once a woman starts thinking about things, she normally changes the dynamics from stable to chaotic.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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The Familiar

When the sex is so good, you’re ready for bed by 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s been 7 months and after a disappointing random encounter with someone new, I decided it’s best to stick with what I know.

After nearly 20 years, he has never ever let me down.

Mmm, Papi.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers, I will not be starved of multiple orgasmic episodes.

Carmen Jones

Jan, 2015

Girl, Don’t Send That Text!

If someone is struggling with an addiction or having suicidal tendencies, there’s help. One call to a dedicated number can offer support, fresh perspectives and hopefully prevent someone from doing something they’ll end up regretting.

So why in the hell has no one ever created a crisis hot line for dating? You know we need it!

There’s always some man or woman acting a god damn fool over someone they’ve been dealing with and shit has taken a turn for the worse. They’re about to send some convoluted text message, blow up someone’s phone and leave some stalker-ish message that’s about five minutes long or worse – go on over to the house and wait for someone to “talk face to face”.

The end result is always something foolish, only to be regretted soon after so there needs to be a dedicated friend and number for these occasions. Just imagine something like that special red phone you see in the movies where some dude is waiting for the word – detonate the bomb or diffuse it.

This is what I was thinking about before speaking to a friend of mine this evening. She had been calling me a few times throughout the day, but we kept missing each other. Finally, she yells out I really need to speak with you and it’s about some guy she’s been seeing for about a month.

Sadly, I was too late.

I wasn’t there waiting on the crisis line to help her earlier and as a result she violated each and every rule of dating. Especially when there’s no commitment AND things are too new. She caught feelings for a man who was on one of those “doing me” kicks, she got emotional, said some things, then texted some things, then just had to leave a lengthy voicemail to recap her feelings.

You’ve already done the damage and now you’re calling me wondering what to do? Shit, this was like telling me you forgot to pay the bill after the lights have been out for a week. The damage is done so now this is more like a recovery mission instead of a rescue. A dating crisis hot line could have helped but instead, there’s now another man thinking that women are nothing more than emotional basket cases.

Ladies, here’s a tip that has taken me many many years to learn – we don’t always have to respond or say something and if we do, it does NOT have to be right now. Let some of these situations marinate a bit, then plan your attack course of action and while your girlfriend on the other line may not be an expert it’s still better than your irrational and hasty behavior.

Until there’s a cure….

Carmen Jones
http:// mydatinghangovers.com
myhangovers@gmail.com

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Aug, 2014

Gotta Love Facebook!

Ordinarily, this type of post wouldn’t be anything worth giving a second glance to but there’s just one problem- it’s ME sharing this on a dating blog!

You have to love it when Facebook makes suggestions about who to add and most times, it’s someone you would rather ignore. Sometimes, I might take a looksie to see what the person’s wall or photos says about how they’re living. Last night, the profile of a guy who’s been an occasional friend with benefits for a few years.

Love the profile that is open to the world because in a matter of minutes, I saw that he was still in his high-visibility position with the NBA. Also noted he had taken a few vacations, celebrated a milestone birthday AND then I arrived at his anniversary message to his WIFE.

Well damn….they celebrated one year of wedding bliss a few weeks ago, have been together for a while based on other posts, yet he been calling on me every year whenever his team had games in L.A. As far as I knew, this guy wasn’t attached and supposedly “dealt” with someone back at home occasionally. No skin off my back (thankfully) because I know how men are in either the sports or music industries (travel penis), and knew he would reach out at least twice a year. His last visit here conflicted with my schedule so as he was flying out he asked for a sexy photograph to remember me until the next time.

Newlyweds should be exchanging these messages with each other, so it’s too bad for his wife. She’s probably thinking she has the perfect life- successful lawyer married to the man of her dreams. Instead, has a cheater who probably has a “special guest” in every city he travels to. I just don’t understand why some people get into relationships, let alone marriage when fucking someone else other than their partner is so appealing. I guess it’s true what this Tango article says about cheating newlyweds: “while we all dream of nuptials and rings and receptions, infidelity can occur, even at the beginning of marriage…”

Guess I’m the lucky one here because I don’t have to deal with this dude anymore. I’ll miss those basketball game tickets and VIP gatherings but whatever and oh- thanks for the suggestion, Facebook!

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When Your Past…

Last week there was a short quote that was shared on Facebook that said “If your past calls, don’t answer because it rarely has anything new to say” and wouldn’t you know, within one hour I received a random text from one hangover and a telephone/text message from another. The moons and the stars must have been in perfect alignment because there is no desire to deal with either Good on Paper or Out of Sight yet for some reason, my responses were a little inconsistent with the two. For the latter who had been told many months ago that it’s just something about my dealings with him that makes the idea of trying to be friends nonsensical, and that is exactly how I replied. No hard feelings against the man who had me in a vulnerable position because my heart was invested, but no thanks – I’m not interested and wished him well. Good on Paper? Call me a hypocrite, but I handled him a little differently.

Good on Paper is definitely a hangover but he’s a bit of an anomaly because there may have been moments of no contact, we never got too carried away in our dealings with each other to have caused us to cut off communication completely. Things with him just came to a head when I finally got to the point of no longer needing him to satisfy my voracious sexual appetite and if you’re looking for a little background, you can go here and here. You know how it goes; things just get old after a while so it was time to move on and once he realized his advances were going ignore, he kind of drifted away. Until his text which was nothing more than a simple question asking how things have been meant to test the waters. The response back was pretty dry until he responds again and the dialogue went as follows:

GOP: “It’s that time again”.

ME: “Time for what?”

GOP: “Time for us to meet and deal with us”

ME: “Ah…. No dear, I don’t think so. I’m pretty far beyond the random booty sessions.”

GOP: “Me too. We need to have lunch and talk.”

Confession # 1 – in the 7 years that this man and I have dealing with each other, about 99.5% of the conversations we have had (yes, even the deep discussions) have always been AFTER an immensely sexual adventure. I know how this would go starting with us making a plan for a meet up, something coming up in our busy lives and us settling on him stopping. It’s pretty much a wrap after that for anything platonic because the chemistry is crazy.

Confession # 2 – Good on Paper has always and I mean always, been one of the most easy-going individuals I have ever dealt with but at the same time, has always been one of those men not easily read or able to figure out. At this point in my life, there’s really no interest to even try to understand what his angle is when we reconnect and to be quite honest, there is no need. Back tracking to any man from the past is like digging that slice of bread that was dropped on the floor out of the trash- I already know it’s tainted and I should just get another piece so why bother. There is no “us” to talk about but what the hell, I decided to call his bluff and accept a dinner invite for Friday night.

I like a man who takes control. He chose the restaurant, made sure cocktails were on the way and was the perfect gentleman by coming out to greet me at the door and since it has been well over a year since we have seen each other, the man welcomed me with one of the tightest, longest, boob smashing hugs. I’ll admit that there was a momentary flutter in my stomach as I stared up at him and damn – this man is still sexy as hell. Dinner was delicious (went with his recommendation), conversation flowed perfectly and there weren’t any indications of any ulterior motives afterwards but then he bluntly asks “So how is your love life?” My reply was completely honest when I said that it was nonexistent and since he’s come out of nowhere with all of this I asked him what’s going on with him and why is he reaching out. He responds by telling me how he always wants to reach out and connect but is afraid of me being involved with someone and giving him the cold shoulder. Okay, fair enough but it’s what he said afterwards that really clued me in which was plain and simple – he’s lonely.

I’ve known that over the past few years Good on Paper been steadily climbing the corporate ladder and one of the things that impresses me about him is that he is educated, extremely smart, has an ambition to succeed that is out of this world and still maintains street smarts and a hustle mentality. So he shared that he’s now reached an executive level, loves his career and added that he might have something here and there but really has no time for anything serious because he has to travel– correction, he does atremendous amount of traveling. He’s noticing how the other executives are all married and has been feeling like the single odd man out and misses not having someone to communicate with consistently, doesn’t have a woman to come home to after being on the road and most importantly, is welcoming the idea of having a partner once again. It was an interesting get together indeed and after a few hours at that table, managed to talk about everything from wanting to strangle our teenagers to him becoming buddies with Willie Nelson to his latest venture at creating a competitive new app.

It would be an understatement if I simply said I had a nice time and afterwards, we walk through the parking lot to our cars and after a final hug went our separate ways.

He’s got brains, good looks, is a great father and provider, is artistic and has phenomenal sex. It’s a shame that nothing ever seems to come out of “us”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Aug, 2013

Situationville

How many of you can relate to that title? One simple word that basically means you are involved in one of those situations that really should NOT exist.You’re dealing with a man or woman, but there is no commitment, no relationship exists. He or she is more than a friend, but more significant than a friends with benefits. The two of you have a real connection, strong feelings and passion. Yet still, you’re undefined and technically unattached to each other.

It’s funny how many people, especially men seem to think that a commitment is all about a title when it is so much more. So instead of moving on to something new there are many of us that find ourselves settling (whether we call it that or something else) which leads us to these horribly confusing dwellings called Situationville.

A good friend of mine just introduced me to the term during a discussion as I was trying to convince her not to do the one thing she doesn’t need right now – an online dating experience. For some strange reason once we’ve ended a situation or had a particularly messy break-up, we run to the nearest dating web site in hopes of meeting that pain killer, some poor man or woman unknowingly about to step into a pile of emotional shit. All because we are looking for someone to “keep us busy” or “take our mind off things”. This girlfriend has had more than her fair share of disappointing dealings with men, but this recent one? All bad and the poor thing is crazy in love creating even more of a cluster fuck of a situation, one of the messiest love octagons (triangle doesn’t seem descriptive enough). She knows good and damn well that her feelings are very strong, emotions raw and that the man could send one text message alluding to some hope for a change, and in a matter of minutes he would be at her doorstep. Yet she wants to date again even with me saying “Wait a little while, make sure that it is over” until I’m blue in the face. The first guy out the gate has already began experiencing the aftermath of unfinished business and doesn’t even know it, so for now – since he’s admitted having come from Situationville as well, they figure it’s okay for them to start dating again.

Hmm…. I’m not so sure about that but who am I to talk because although my situation with Out of Sight is nowhere near as convoluted and messy as my dear friend’s, I haven’t exactly been preparing myself to be in the best position for dating someone new either.

It’s been about two weeks since I took him out to celebrate his birthday and what can I say – the night was absolutely wonderful but then again, whenever we get together, we always have a good time. He arrived on time, dressed impeccably and greeted me at the door bearing a grin and some beautiful flowers; how nice is that to bring something for me even though it was his special day. A few finishing touches on my outfit and we were out the door for dinner and a little dancing.

Chemistry, we have a ton of great chemistry and it isn’t just sexual which I’m thankful for. I mean remember there were several months of us just talking and texting before we met each other, so we have had plenty of time to get to know each other without being in each other’s presence. Quite naturally, when we are together the physical chemistry is off the charts. Someone asked me what was so different about this one that allowed me to step outside of my boundaries for dealing with men and I couldn’t answer specifically, but there are a couple of things that come to mind.

Out of Sight is quite the charmer, and is the type of man who can converse with ease around anyone, from the dinner conversation with the adorable older couple sitting to my left sharing their tales of travel from New York to the youngsters on his right visiting L.A. from Tennessee. I could go on and on, but while he certainly has his flaws, there are plenty of good qualities that allow me to adore him so. I mean, have you ever been around someone whose very presence and the simple things they can do such as laughing, can turn you on like no other?

Yes, that’s him so while I resisted the urge to cross my self-imposed boundaries of “just friends” that night, the next morning it was a wrap. There’s just something about someone waking you up by kissing you softly on your neck, slowly down your back and working their mouth all the way down, using the tongue to dance with your erogenous zones. Morning wood meets morning wetness and it’s a perfect union.

But…. at the end of the day, nothing has changed. I’m still at a point in life where the only way thing missing is a companion and he is at a point in life where everything else seems to be needed excepta companion. What’s the problem with my love life? Bad timing or the wrong man. Finally, I meet a man who seems to do it for me in so many areas but he doesn’t want to invest the time and energy for anything more; at least not anytime soon or the harsh possibility that perhaps it just will not be with me. He tells me I’m spoiled and since I can’t have things when I want and how I want, I start acting out. Okay, whatever because it sounds like double talk or more of a diversion to me.

The bigger problem is that on Monday night, we complicated things even more. He was pissed that his placement in the friend zone was so aloof, and so cold with minimal contact from me and felt that wasn’t something he could handle. I was accused of treating him like shit and eventually we nearly got to the point of writing each other off. What doesn’t he understand here because I would be a fool to continue carrying on with him as if we were lovers getting myself all caught up in a man who tells me right now he’s rebuilding life, so he needs to be in the place he’s been given. Soon, the tone of the conversation became one of feigned indifference and the call ended.

Less than thirty minutes later, there’s a knock on my door and we stood face to face and we again arrived at the point where he tells me that he hated being emotionally attached and could not nor would he deal with my version of “friends”, which was about to end with him walking out of the door pissed off.Instead, we talked some more and he adds to this mess by saying “I love you, I love you I love you” and I only added to this mess by saying “I love you.”

In case you’re wondering what happens next? Nothing, not a damn thing because as much as this man can tell me how he feels, I will not be put in a position of having to take him by the hand to lead him on what should happen next. If he needs time to work on himself, that’s cool – he can take all of the time needed and may end up finding someone else in the meantime but me? I won’t settle and will not continue to blur the lines based on my own emotional attachment because it certainly isn’t fair to anyone I may meet in the meantime.

Welcome to my Situationville until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
Myhangovers@gmail.com

Apr, 2013

The Crymax Experience

“Move your arms again and I will punish you and go harder, do you understand? Keep them up just like that. I told you when I saw you again; I was going to make sure we parted ways with you being extremely satisfied.”

I can remember nodding followed by some kind of inaudible sound coming out of my mouth, which wasn’t good enough so he responded with a devilish grin and a deep thrust. The reaction to that was a loud yelp and “Okay sweetie, I’m sorry” which turned him on even more as he began to rhythmically drill into hidden corners inside of me.

Soft whimpers of pleasure escaped my lips, my eyes closed and just as my hands were about to leave the wooden slats on my headboard, he slowed down the pace; whispering a reminder in my ear, while licking my lobes in between words. I have several erogenous zones and this man seems to affect each and every one, so my body is going crazy with this overload of sensory stimulation.

I enjoy it when my men talk to me in the bedroom. Not the lame “Whose _____ is this” or “Does it feel good” type of banter, but real talking. Telling me what he likes, how he wants me to work it, when to slow it down or when to pump it back.

Even more, I love the role of the submissive and as I bite on my bottom lip playing back the events of that day, realize how long it has been since I’ve been this turned on. The regular trysts with Papi are always exciting and full of energy but this was different, this was new.

Dripping with sweat, sheets all over the place, headboard loose, hair matted, thighs and arms achy, voice is hoarse and body is severely dehydrated.

Ladies, have you ever had an orgasm and fellas, do you know what it feels like when a woman is having one?

Some women may not understand what it means to have one either. I’m talking about a really intense sensation, where you can feel the build up of your release starting from the bottom of your feet, moving through your toes and to your groin like an electric shock dancing through your body. You find yourself clenching your teeth, breathing becomes shallow and uneven and whatever is near your hands at that moment is going feel all of that energy.

This is the best way I can describe it and when your partner is noticing all of this, experiencing all of the ebbs and flows from your body, if he’s in tune with you will be turned on even more. Mmmm…..

So as I’m nearing my moment, I could feel my walls squeezing, getting tighter and tighter like a vice grip. What is he doing? He’s stroking my face while telling me to stop holding back and let it go, enjoying every moment. I’m no longer breathing faster, grabbing him tighter and feeling like I’m in a daze until finally, I couldn’t hold it any longer.

That moment came when I had to succumb to that sweet joyful ending, leading to me yelling, moaning and yes- even crying. This is what is meant by a crymax; not streaming tears or sobbing but the results of being overcome by emotions because it’s that good.

I just laid there for a minute, in amazement, thinking how I had thought his kinky fetish for toys like the Flesh Light would have left him incapable of performing with the real thing. Meanwhile those same walls just kept pulsing and pulsing and more pulsing.

Ah…..this was my Hope Experience.

I can’t make this shit up if I tried and for the life of me have NEVER placed a man in the “best I ever had” list based on the first experience. This man has definitely been placed in the top three just based on the number of times he was able to will my body into releasing over and over and again and again. I stopped counting how many after six.

Many of you may not realize this, but it has been over two years since I had a completely new sexual encounter. All of the time my escapades had been carried out with former flings or hangovers, so to say that I couldn’t wait for something new is an understatement.

Hope is a good guy, but he is damaged goods. A man whose heart had been completely open to love a woman with everything and instead, the same heart had been abused two times in a row. He admitted he’s in no place for anything more which is why he’s been single over two years. So when I reached out to him several weeks ago, my intentions were purely selfish. Just as I had told one other man (Good on Paper) years ago, I told him there was no reason for me to try dating him and instead asked “When are we f_______g?”. A date was set, we had an enjoyable lunch filled with pre-sex talk to uncover our likes, dislikes and limits and the results were… well, you know.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers, my needs will not be ignored.

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

Oct, 2012

If I Had My Way

Sometimes I tend to think too much and as one of my former hangovers used to joke, if Carmen is thinking, you better watch out. Do you ever have those moments where your brain just seems like it is on overload, and instead of going through the motions you tend to think a little TOO much? I have moments when I want to just do it, not over think and if I had my way, I would do more to enoy the moments.

For instance, this past Sunday I had a minor setback and paid a visit to Rescue. While I certainly enjoyed pouncing on his face and working him over like a cat in heat, afterwards I had admonished myself for finally responding to his sexual advances instead of relishing in the bliss of the physical exhaustion that followed. If I had my way, I would be able to indulge in these types of passion-filled moments without a conscience, missing any type of emotional connection or feelings afterwards.

Then today, I started thinking some more about this whole online dating situation; in fact, dating in general and recalled a conversation I had with last week’s date. He told me while he had been on this dating site off an on for almost a year, he hadn’t given up and figured you get out of it what you put in. Have I really put forth any real effort? Nope, not really. So this evening I sat down and did some real browsing, as in from an actual computer and not the microscopic screen of my Blackberry and guess what happened?

I started to realize how much of an awful mess the a lot of these profiles really are. I’m not overthinking anything, and have shamelessly resorted to sharing some of them (aptly titled Joke of the Day) with a few of my girlfriends. Man, I have seen some doosies this week and today is only Tuesday!

I’ve though about creating my own dating site, but figured the world probably doesn’t need yet another site that is SUPPOSED to be a place for great-minded singles to meet others like them. What if I had it my way? You better believe I can would have a few particulars that would distinguish me from the others.

Specifically, I would focus on the three most important parts:

1. Ditch the silly, sleazy or corny screen name
One of the very first things you notice when someone initiates contact with you or you view their profile is their screen name, so I don’t know if trying to be creative or witty is the reason for the foolishness I’ve seen, but my site will definitely reject anything that is questionable or just plain stupid. HotDaddi, DarkKnight, PleezeMeNow, Lord_Norm, Ube6 Ibe9 (this one took me a minute, but the 69??), and Boob Man? Really? I envision this one being an easy task, because as soon as one of these ridiculous screen names get submitted, the user will receive a nice message that ask them to try again. Boob Man, we’re going to suggest Bob2275 instead.

2. Winning profile photos only
In the last three days alone, I have seen more embarrassing, tacky or straight up stupid looking profile pictures in quite some time. What in the world are they thinking? I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but when you have to do a double take wondering if someone abused Photoshop in the worst way to create the image before you, that’s pretty bad. My solution? Pre-approval. Before a man can post that camera-phone-flash-in-mirror-with- faded-wife beater photo (Saturday), the stunner Whispers look-alike with Mickey Mouse figurines in the background (today) or the infamous bathroom moment with washcloths strewn everywhere and a pile full of dirty clothes in the background (also today), approval will be needed. Ladies, you aren’t off the hook either. If you think your boob pictures showcasing over-inflated silicones or that party shot in her sexy black dress with that white string hanging down , your going to need approval as well before those precious gems will be visible.

and of course

3. Write that intro right
The introduction or about me summary is always interesting because there are so many variations in what you see. I’ve noticed everything from the minimalist (also known as the lazy dater who typed just enough to have the account accepted) who puts “I’ll tell you later” under every section, to the bleeding heart who wants to be as transparent as possible (sometimes the worst ones) and will use over 10,000 characters. In the “About Me” section alone. Realizing that most people may simply suck at writing, I know this section of the dating profile is probably the most challenging, so again – here is where my approval process and suggestions will come in. I’ll offer a little coaching on how much to share up front, making sure the dater is keeping things light-hearted and interesting and making sure they are ommittng some of the cliche’ phrases that I (and probably most others) grow weary of seeing such as: drama free, God-fearing, seeking a real woman/man, independent woman, strong man, easy-going, like to party/drink/have fun etc…

Check out this classic:

See, that’s all – nothing too bad or overly critical and I wish I could say that this paticular dating site is to blame, but I know better. Several of my friends and their friends and friends of friends are also online, using various sites from J Date to Match.com, and even Sugar Daddy.com have the same complaints. Singles who are truly interested in meeting and dating someone of substance may be short-changing themselves because of poorly crafted profiles. I’m not the only person who can look at a screen name and think “Nice looking, but probably a whore” or a profile picture and think “He has his hand in her blouse and posted THIS?” and move on to the next.

So with all of this being said, how do I solve my own dilemma? I don’t. I keep holding out hope that I’ll stumble across someone with some sense until these last 15 days on this site are OVER!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers,

Carmen Jones

Oct, 2012

Things to Do Before Vacation

After 6 days of soaking in the blazing sun, sipping Sammy Sosas by the pool, and reveling in the beauty of the country and people of the Dominican Republic, I’m back!

Back to reality, back to life, back to the dating scene and as much as I hate to say it, back to the hangovers that come with dating. But everything has a priority after such a fabulous vacation, so I thought I would share my checklist of things to do:

1. Unpack
2. Rest and flush kidneys
3. Mind blowing sex
4. Have multiple orgasms
5. More sex
6. First date with new guy
7. More sex and orgasms
8. Sign up on new dating site

It’s no coincidence that sexual tasks seem to dominate the list, and is a reminder to us all that you MUST get it in good BEFORE going on a vacation. Especially to a place like the Dominican where even the pool boys are hot enough to make your panties wet. Muy caliente, comprende?

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I failed to have a send off filled with sweated out hair and sticky thighs – so there I was on vacation, having my own private summers. Perhaps it was Mother Nature’s cruel way of telling me “no Dominican penis for you”, but the cotton pony prevented the bad girl in me from surfacing. While those red sea moments should only be reserved for the main boo or significant other, I was so damn tempted to get a little vacation nookie. There’s nothing like being in a foreign country, with attractive and willing men and a bag full of Trojans. Maybe next time.

Okay, so I didn’t get a chance to taste or feel one of those gorgeous men, but morning’s knock on my bedroom window was the start of a wonderful consolation. Being greeted by the master of multiple-orgasmic creation was well worth the invasion of my morning sleep in desires. A warm and deep tongue thrust inside of my mouth at the door, other cavities in the bedroom and the hair pulling from behind in the shower? Hmmmm mmmm good.

Good on Paper always comes through, always on time. Sure, these types of escapades with a hangover isn’t what I prefer to do but hell – the man has golden d_ck. I would be a fool to let that go while I’m in relationship limbo, and besides- isn’t he the textbook definition of a friend with benefits?

I always enjoy our moments together, from him making use of a loofa and body wash one of the most sensual acts ever, to him asking me between gasps “Are you okay” as he releases he hands from my throat.

I don’t think I can emphasize enough how in tune my body is with his. Hell, I think I feel my inner thigh still quivering from that powerful climax as I write.

Alright, alright, I need to pull myself together and get ready for reality – my date for tonight. I haven’t had very much contact with this new guy, and he happened to be one of the “catch me before I go” contacts before canceling my membership on ______.com.

I’ll surely provide the details on how the date went, but in the meantime… I need to get back to the rest of that list.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Category Archives: Friends with Benefits

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