Plenty of Fail – My Dating Hangovers

Jan, 2017

Who Wants to Date a Jerk?

I tried it, but Felonious Monk isn’t going to make the cut because he’s a jerk.

After our initial conversation, Felonious was really excited to meet me so he planned on us getting together for a jazz
brunch at one of my favorite local spots. I liked the excitement he was showing but after several phone calls, I was convinced there wasn’t open mindedness in the world for me to deal with this dude.

In spite of him being able to appeal to my funny bone and carrying on a decent conversation, he still seemed a little too rough around the edges, too materialistic, too full of himself. This was in addition to his past, so initially I’d given him the old “it’s me, not you” shutdown but he wasn’t accepting that.

Felonious put on the full court press telling me that in spite of his background, he was a solid guy with a vision and had a plan. In fact, he went so far as to say how I may even regret not meeting him basically offering a guarantee that I would definitely like him once we met in person. I can’t explain why I even entertained this notion, so don’t
even ask.

The meet up was set for Starbucks, 10am so I arrive at 9:30am to have the advantage of seeing who’s coming my way before they see me. I’m sitting in the car dabbing on a little lipstick and suddenly here comes a convertible mustang with the music blaring flying through the parking lot and I just laughed thinking someone needs attention.

It’s 9:40 and while strolling through the lot noticed convertible dude was no longer in his car, but when I looked ahead saw the same guy sitting at one of the tables out front. As soon as I made the connection I mumbled “oh shit” and here’s how the meeting went using a Q&A style transcript:

Question: Where is the best meeting place if you don’t drink coffee or tea?

Answer: Starbucks coffee shop. It’s a nice ice-breaker to tell someone you have no idea what to order because you don’t drink that shit and don’t look at menus ahead of time.

Question: A man sitting at a table should do what when a woman approaches?

Answer: Stay seated, look over your sunglasses while licking your lips and say “Damn you fine” then wait for her to finally sit down.

Question: If you want to let a woman know how interested you are in her, what should you talk about?

Answer: Yourself.

Talk about how women say you look better in person, then talk about your expensive designer cologne and ask if she likes, then talk about how you put on a brand new pair of socks every day. Then talk about yourself some more, throw out the name of your glasses and point out your name brand watch and don’t forget to remind her you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Question: What’s a good example of budgeting you can share with your date?

Answer: Tell her about that convertible Mustang explaining you have Nevada plates because that isn’t your car. In fact, you tell her you don’t even own a car because it’s a total waste of money especially when you’re off running your carrier business. It’s California, who needs a car.

Question: If a man wants to sound impressive, what should he do?

Answer: Embellish or flat out lie. When she asks you to explain what kind of transportation business you own, respond by asking her if she’s heard of Uber then tell her your business is similar to that. When she looks at you like she’s confused tell her you’re a carrier and your business is similar to Uber with how jobs are dispatched.

Then when she attempts to clarify the bullshit you’re trying to sell her, act like you’re offended when she asks if you meant to say you’re a courier and justify why operating off of an app to make deliveries really makes you a business owner.

Question: What things do you tell her to show how generous of a person you are?

Answer: Tell her you don’t believe in discrimination. Let her know your last baby mama was a Latina, the second to the last was Dominican and please– don’t forget to tell her how you took one for the team since your first child’s mom was black.

Question: What’s the best way to really seal the deal of a first time meeting?

Answer: Insult her. Repeatedly. Tell her she’s sexy as fuck but remind her she doesn’t have any ass and you’re an ass man.

Then tell her the side of her right foot is a little ashy, but brush it off as a joke while telling her you would love to suck each toe to smooth things out. Don’t forget to add she’s talking like a white girl and needs to stop acting so bougie but then add, you really like classy women and ask her again if she wants to attend the jazz brunch with you.

This is real life. No dramatizations, but real life.

After about 15 minutes, I abruptly stood up saying I was late for my appointment and commented it had been an
enlightening experience and do you know this egotistical clown murmured something about us having a great connection?

Ummm that’s a no and I thought to myself everything about you is a no and it isn’t because of your felonious past, but it’s because you’re an asshole.

Why God, why???

Is this because I cheated on my then-boyfriend in ’96? Is this karma from having dumped my kid’s father during college because I wanted to turn up a bit? Is this punishment because I lost my virginity in my parent’s bathroom to Derrick Miller?

This can’t be my life.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Jan, 2017

Dating Someone Who’s Been to Prison

Where do you draw a line in the sand that separates judgment from an inability to relate? It seems as if a lot of the men trying to date are in situations that make it hard for a woman to want to deal with them.

Before I explain further, you can obviously tell that not much is cooking in terms of prospects. I may chat with the men I’m meeting online and even the ones I’ve encountered in person, but nothing sticks. So my dating experiences haven’t gone beyond a few meet ups that have gone nowhere or I’ve just been dealing with the old faithful bench players holding it down in the friend zone.

If you know anyone who’s tried online dating and is still single, they surely have told you about the cycle. We go away, but we come back and a couple of weeks ago, I reactivated my profile for like the fourth time this year.

Sadly, the same old song is playing.

The men I’m interested in are either cocky as hell, unavailable to date, far away (Nova Scotia is a stretch), or just not into me.

So by design, the men I am not interested in are sticking to me like flies on shit. They are either unattractive, perverted, too thuggish or for a lack of better words- are true struggle bunnies.

Let’s take the gentleman I exchanged numbers with a few days ago who I’ll call Felonious Monk.

He’s decent looking guy (says his photos), owns a transportation business, is literate, has a great sense of humor, and the biggest score is his intellect. He mentioned a few times how he had grown weary of the types of women he was involved with former the past, and was now looking for that “sexy, smart, corporate chick with a bit of an edge”.

That’s me, that’s me, that IS me!!!

Now while he isn’t college educated, he’s obviously spent a lot of time reading and taking in knowledge to converse about a lot of things. I could tell he had a few rough edges, but nothing too bad was revealed from our first conversation so this one sounds decent, right?

Um, yeah. Let’s get to that follow up call which starts out talking about living situations, kids and our backgrounds.

I’m not judging BUT 46 years old and roommate just doesn’t sound right. He explained he was helping out a friend and not even charging him rent, so it was more of a “staying with” vs a true roommate. Okay, whatever.

These living situations have pretty much become the norm in California so my nose twitched a bit, but that little nagging bitch in the back of my head meowing forced me to allow what is normally a turn off and deal breaker.

The “who lives with you” talk naturally went to children and again, not judging because once again, a man with multiple children is the norm after 30, so I barely batted an eye when he said he had three.

But how many mothers? Three. And so it begins but gets worse.

This revelation would have had the average woman wrapping up the conversation, but I allowed the conversation to continue and then he makes a comment about people getting second chances at life.

Lord help me, I wasn’t ready.

Listening to him talk about himself and his upbringing was like turning the pages in a book on urban history; like some “Losing Isiah” meets “Boyz N The Hood” type shit which involved a single parent household with a father nowhere to be found. A mother strung out on crack cocaine not paying attention to what her kids were doing which led to him dropping out of school, joining a Los Angeles street gang where he hustled and sold the same drugs his mother was fiending for, and eventually – he became a career criminal.

The longest stint in prison? 7 years hence the name.

What’s so crazy is hearing how easy it was for him to get women; the types who were attracted to that thug life which offered nothing but drama and for him – resulting in his three baby mamas. So it’s no wonder he’s talking about wanting a different type of person who’s pretty much a square but how does that work?

I tried not to be judgmental and in spite of his checkered past, I could tell from his conversation he wasn’t a dumb man. In fact, Felonious Monk came across as a highly intelligent, fairly articulate and driven man who claims he learned his life lessons and just wanted to live a normal life with a woman by his side. But still…. that past is something that can’t be ignored. Or can it?

You’ll often hear (black) women complain that there aren’t enough available men, however this isn’t entirely accurate. They ARE out there. It’s just a matter of how much you’re willing and able to deal with and sometimes I ask myself if I should have stayed with the bipolar, manic depressive, porn addicted, serial masturbator, emotionally manipulating, microscopic penis having ex-boyfriend instead of dealing with the dating scene.

I think it’s an inability to relate or accept those things were in the past, so I pretty much shut him down last night.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Nov, 2016

Could this be the LONGEST one EVER?

There are always two extremes online: the master of minimalism type dude who is lazy or unimaginative and writes “Just ask”. Then there’s this type that treats his dating profile like an autobiographical novel.

He lost me as soon as I saw all of THE CAPS and my scroll bar disappear. Can someone read all of this shit and let me know if he’s a solid catch or something ?

IM ______, AN INVENTOR FROM _______ NOW LIVING IN _______/_, CA. I’M A VERY ARTISTIC, OLD FASHIONED TYPE GUY WHO’S ALSO THE INVENTOR OF THE… (insert a whole paragraph HERE)

I LIVE BY STRICT RULES AND MORALS. I’M A VERY STRAIGHT FORWARD, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING AND MOODY GUY. CATCH ME ON A GOOD DAY YOU’LL GET AN ANGEL, ON BAD DAYS…YOU’LL GET A HELL RAISER. I’M JUST BEING REAL..LOL

I DON’T BELIEVE IN TRYING TO SELL MYSELF TO A BUNCH OF WEIRDOS ON A DATING SITE. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT EVERYBODY, THERE,S A SELECT FEW ON HERE WHO KNOWS WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT…ANYWAY, BACK TO MY LIKES AND DISLIKES. I LOVE MUSIC, SPORTS AND ART. THE OLD SCHOOL MUSIC IS MY FAVORITE.

LADIES STOP ASSUMING THAT THE ATTRACTIVE GUYS ARE ALL PLAYAS. AND THE GUYS HAVE TO STOP ASSUMING THE HOT CHIX ARE LOOSE BOOTIES WITH A TON OF MEN. I JUDGE A PERSON BY THE WAY THEY DRESS. IF A WOMAN DRESSES LIKE A SLUT, SHOWING TOO MUCH SKIN IN HER PROFILE, SHE’S EITHER INSECURE (WANTING ATTENTION) OR SHE’S FAST. ALL OF MY PIX ARE DECENT, I’M NOT TRYING TO SELL SEX.

IN TRUTH THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE THE LONELIEST. THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE CAN GET LAID A LITTLE EASIER THAN THE REST BUT THEY ARE USUALLY ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS..LOL IN THE HEIGHT OF MY PLAYA DAYS WHILE IN MY 20’S I ONLY SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH A FEMALE ONCE! BUT ALL YEAR ROUND I HAD A BLAST….GO FIGURE. PLAYAS ARE NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY, THEY’RE CONSIDERED “PRETENDERS NOT CONTENDERS” THAT’S WHY THEY’RE ALWAYS ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS WONDERING WHY NOBODY WANTS THEM. LADIES, IF YOU WANT MORE SUCCESS MEETING SERIOUS GUYS, CHANGE THAT “LONG TERM” TO “DATING, OR HANGING OUT” ALL SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS STARTS FROM TRUE FRIENDSHIP FIRST.

I KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS I WROTE IN THIS PROFILE MAY TURN SOME FEMALES OFF. BUT I’M NOT A MR. ROGERS TYPE GUY. I’M A TOTALLY HONEST REAL GUY. IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER WHAT A PERSON WRITE IN THEIR PROFILE, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO CHEMISTRY IN PERSON. EVERYBODY ON HERE BASE THEIR INTEREST ON LOOKS FIRST, PROFILE SECOND, IF THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY IN PERSON IT’S ON! THAT’S WHY I PUT MORE EMPHASIS ON DISPLAYING ATTRACTIVE PIX.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FEMALES RESPONDED BACK TO ME WITH “I’M SORRY I’M NOT FEELING A CONNECTION” HOW DO YOU FEEL A CONNECTION BY READING A PROFILE? LOL WHAT THEY’RE REALLY SAYING IS “I DON’T DATE BLACKS OR I JUST DON’T LIKE YOUR LOOK”(BLACK) I CONSIDER MYSELF AN INTELLIGENT GUY WITH A GREAT PERSONALITY AND SENSE OF HUMOR. MY POINT IS…LOOKS, MATTER TO EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE INITIALLY. I ASKED EVERY FEMALE WHO I’VE MET OR CONVERSATED WITH WHY THEY RESPONDED TO ME, THEY ALL SAID “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD LOOKING AND FUNNY” NOT ONE SAID “OH, I WANTED TO MEET YOU BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY YOU TYPE OR BECAUSE OF YOUR BRAIN OR PERSONALITY…LOL

ONE THING I CAN’T STAND ARE THE FEMALES WHO ASK “ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ONLY SEX?” MY RESPONSE TO THAT IS “IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN WITH ZERO CONVERSATION, WHAT ELSE IS THEIR TO DO OTHER THAN HAVE SEX?” EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE WANTS TO GET LAID, EVEN ANIMALS WANNA GET LAID…LOL IF YOU DON’T WANT SEX PLEASE RAISE YOUR HANDS.

I’M SURE YOU LADIES MET PLENTY OF GUYS WHO WERE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY BUT WERE DUMB AS HELL. MALES AND FEMALES WANT THE SAME THING, A PERSON WHO’S INTERESTED IN YOU MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

ANOTHER THING I CAN’T STAND IS A WOMAN WHO SAYS “I NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND” REALLY? LET’S EXPLORE THIS SHALL WE… IF YOU NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND THAT MEANS ALL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE SUCCESSFUL..MEANING YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE. THE “ONE NIGHT STAND” GET SUCH A BAD RAP, THE “ONE NIGHT STAND” IS ACTUALLY GOOD IF YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE AND GOOD JUDGEMENT. IF YOU MET A NICE GUY, DECIDED TO HAVE SEX THE FIRST NIGHT, AND WHILE HAVING SEX YOU NOTICE HIS WEENIE WAS TERRIBLY SMALL, WOULD YOU CONTINUE DATING THIS GUY? MY GUESS IS “HELL NO!”

THE MEN OF COURSE HAD MANY BAD EXPERIENCES WITH FEMALES WHO WE THOUGHT WERE THE ONE, BUT LATER FOUND OUT SHE WAS TERRIBLE IN BED OR GOD FORBID, HAD A TERRIBLE FOUL ODOR, OF COURSE WE WOULDN’T CALL HER BACK FOR A SECOND DATE.

ALSO IT’S IRRITATING WHEN I TRY TO ASK A WOMAN CERTAIN QUESTIONS PERTAINING TO SEX AND ROMANCE IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATION AND SHE REPSONDS WITH “I DON’T TALK ABOUT SEX ON OUR FIRST DATE” REALLY? WHY WAIT DAYS AND WEEKS TO FIND OUT IF A PERSON YOU’RE ATRACTED TO LIKES TO KISS OR NOT? IT’S BEST TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS EARLY SO YOU’RE NOT SURPRISED BY SOME WEIRD ADMISSION LATER LIKE “I DON’T FRENCH KISS, I ONLY HAVE MISSIONARY SEX, I HATE ORAL SEX” ETC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED, IF YOU REMEMBER A LOT OF WHAT YOUR DATE SAID WHILE OUT WITH THEM, YOU DEFINITELY INTERESTED IN THAT PERSON. I WAS OUT ON AN 8 HOUR DATE WITH THIS TALKATIVE HOTTIE, I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN’T REMEMBER MUCH OF WHAT SHE SAID. I THOUGHT I WAS INTO HER.

BUT I HAD A HARD TIME RETAINING HER INFORMATION. BUT WITH OTHER FEMALES I COULD REMEMBER ALMOST EVERYTHING THEY SAID. JUST TODAY A WOMAN CALLED ME, WELL I THOUGHT SHE WAS CALLING ME, THE BIMBO HAD THE NERVE TO SAY “HEY, IS THIS JAMES?) I SAID “WHO IN THE HELL IS JAMES?) I IMMEDIATELY DELETED HER ASS. CALLING ME BY SOMEBODY ELSE’S NAME IS A DEFINITE NO! NO! BOTTOM LINE…RETAINING INFO=INTERESTED… NOT RETAINING INFO LIKE NAMES=NOT INTERESTED!

PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY TO ME…I LIKE TO SIT OUT SOMEWHERE AND JUST WATCH PEOPLE IN ACTION, THAT’S THE FUNNIEST sh*tIN THE WORLD.

This dude wonders why women aren’t receptive to his profile or his messages, when he’s got 10,000 reasons right here.

I just can’t.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Jun, 2016

Profile photos men shouldn’t share

On and off, hide and reveal, resign and restart. The vicious cycle known as online dating and for the life of me, I just don’t understand how men can continue to sabotage themselves by ruining the most important part of the process – the dating profile and specifically, the photos.

Do these men not realize that they can turn a woman all the way on by what he’s sharing in his profile and just the same, can turn us off completely by choosing the lazy, cheesy and sleazy photos like this debonair fella right here:

Yes, this is an actual photo from someone’s profile and yes – he looks like a teenager and made me feel like a pedophile for viewing it and yes – you’re welcome for the red box editing to spare you the unruly hairs and extreme shrinkage.

If only I could be the fairy godmother of dating and tell these clueless gents what NOT to do but for now, you can check out my post written for Digital Romance, Inc., 5 Photos Men Need to Stop Posting Online.

Digital Romance, Inc is the premier source for using the power of technology to get the best dating advice articles, podcasts and videos delivered at the tap of a button.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Mar, 2016

I Can Work with Men

The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.

My last date from a few months ago really had it together.

He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.

That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him. But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.

Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.

He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”. By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.

“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.

When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.

Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her. She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.

In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation. He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds? Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…

So how did our first meet-up go?

For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.

Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point. Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion. They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.

47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.

Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up: late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.

This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.

I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself. Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

May, 2015

We broke up, but I’m back…

I’m caught up in this vicious cycle where the levels of frustration are so bad that I say to hell with it all. I take down all of my decorations and pretty pictures, and might even leave some threatening note before finally ending things for good.

After a couple of weeks or so, boredom usually sets in and a little sliver of hope pops into my mind that maybe – just maybe things will be different this time. Aren’t these the types of thoughts that makes a person want to have some reflective moments to re-evaluate their purpose and goals? Hell yeah, it certainly is so after much thought and consideration I’m back.

Online.

Trying to meet someone normal, for the umpteenth time.

So maybe… there won’t be so many men this go round who are suspiciously suspect like this fella right here whose pose screams “DIVA”:

and maybe, just maybe there won’t be so many desperate men who repeatedly send messages without having received one solitary response like this winner:

Or better yet, those whose mailing address begins with “U.S. Penitentiary…” have been placed on yard duty only and can stop wasting my time like this oratory genius:

I’ve heard that if you get stuck while doing something, it’s best to take a break and regroup. So with that being said, I’m going back in. Again.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
Web: www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

(Photo Credits: oochoo.blogspot.com)

He Didn’t Wear Heels

Last week’s date marked the first time I’ve gone out with a non-black man and while one “quick” meet up will never allow me to claim an interracial dating experience, at least I was open coerced enough to have tried it.

During that excruciating hour and eleven minutes with the hangover I’ll call Guido, a few things became perfectly clear to me: (1) nearly every man lies about at least one thing on his dating profile, (2) broken English and improper verb tense isn’t something I’ll ever be able to stomach, and (3) being told how beautiful I am repeatedly in one sitting is a little creepy.

That being said, to say that I was turned off by Guido is an understatement and while he was planning on making the night last even longer by moving from drinks to dinner, I politely declined saying I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling like it hadn’t been fed in weeks. The second and third realizations can certainly be annoying, but it’s that first one that kills me about men just like Guido who lie, lie, lie when it comes to their profiles and according to scientific research, 81% of the people out there are lying about something.

Height, age and weight tend to be areas where the deception is the highest.

While Guido still looked a little bit like the profile photos posted he was just a shorter, bigger and more ethnic version of himself in real life. Obviously I’m not very good at hiding my reaction to this actual version because he asked me why I seemed to flinch when he walked into the restaurant where we met.

It wasn’t really a flinch but more like me silently asking who the fuck is this when seeing he was about 5’7 (profile said 5’11), chubby with stubby fingers wearing a jacket his body was screaming to get out of (profile said “athletic”) and while it didn’t matter either way, appeared to look more Latino (profile said mixed race).

Of course if he’s going to ask what I thought about his appearance, I’m going to explain how different he looks and do you know this fat bastard even had the nerve to joke about the height discrepancy by saying “I’m not wearing my heels today” before quickly changing the subject.

After he began the lengthy sales presentation about himself, I soon learned a few other things he lied about in his profile including his profession and ethnicity.

Guido isn’t really in executive management but is a financial analyst who probably thinks he’s the big cheese because of the travel perks he received and pimps out to the ladies. Also, when asking if his family still lived in Puerto Rico since he’s always traveling there (must have forgot he told me that’s where he’s from) I was confused when he shook his head like I said something offensive, before replying that he was from Chile. This little tidbit explained realization number two.

Once again, there’s another fraud in my presence who ironically, complained about having met WOMEN who weren’t what they depicted in their profiles. I guess he decided to pay it forward thinking there was nothing wrong with little white lies.

Dating in general is already pretentious and risky enough without having to worry about the “little things” people aren’t truthful about either directly or indirectly. Here’s the thing about lying when it comes to your appearance – unless you’re able to make some miraculous physical transformation before we meet all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure, while eliminating yourself from ever having a chance at a second date.

Someone needs to tell these ass clowns to just be up front so they can stop wasting precious time, energy and gas.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

P.S. If you’re reading this post via email and wonder why you’re only seeing the first couple of sentences, have no fear – simply click on the post title link and off you go to the web site!

3 Signs the Date Wasn’t So Great

“So um hypothetically speaking, let’s say you and I keep doing this right here you know and after about three months we’re in a really cool place. Does that mean you’ll eventually close out your dating account or do we have that conversation when you feel like you’re ready?”

Blank stare.

“I’m ready, you know what I’m saying because you are the type of woman who is on my level, is over the clubbing, you’re a good parent and think the same way as I do. So um are you ready to take this to the next level?”

Fool, what level and why are you talking like you’re with the homies on the corner?

No exaggeration, this is really how he speaks and all while I kept whispering to myself “Shut the fuck up, please just shut the fuck up”.

This is our first date on Friday night and unfortunately, our last but this poor guy missed each and every signal being sent his way to tell him that he was on Fantasy Island all alone.

Mr. Me (aptly titled) was too busy talking about himself the entire time, trying his best to sell the idea of him being this really great catch. Oh, and this is even though he lied about his age and height on his profile, wanted me to know that I nearly missed out. The nerve of him taking a moment to admonish me for my initial blow off and of course, there’s a back story.

Just a few weeks earlier Mr. Me was rubbing his eyeballs as he stared in disbelief at my standard farewell text message to guys that says “Sorry, we’re not a good fit”. With all of the you knows, and uhs and you know what I’m saying along with a barrage of other faux pas making a conversation with him straight up painful, I knew he was a little too “urban” for me.

Why in the world do I keep forcing these types of situations is a mystery to me, because my profile even tells these prospects that an intellectual AND articulate man is best for me. He was neither but in the interest of not being a snob or too picky, I decided to give him a chance and once again my second guessing and pity-dating ways have turned against me.

Back to the date, knowing that he’s much shorter with a body proportioned completely different than what his dating profile depicted, along with him having understated his age, I immediately transitioned from a mood of being hopeful to one of placation.

Sadly, Mr. Me was so self-absorbed in chatting about everything related to him from his rough upbringing (I likened him to Ricky and his brother was Dough Boy from the movie Boyz n The Hood), to his side hustle as a stylist.

While he’s plotting a plan to convince me to get offline and get to the “next level”, I’m working a mental calculation for my glass of wine and appetizer. Keeping my portion as inexpensive as possible is generous, especially since I already knew this was the first and the last.

He totally missed this and everything else.

There were all types of amber warning lights being sent his way both during and after our date letting him know things weren’t as wonderful as he thought and here are the main three that he missed:

Lack of Eye Contact

This wasn’t too difficult to do because the smart guy chose the awkward seating arrangement. Instead of suggesting that we sit at a different table, we settled into a long lounge style sofa and he decided to sit next to me. Poor thing missed me rolling my eyes to the ceiling, sighing in frustration. He’s planning date #2 and I’m watching the clock.

Even during the moments when he started in on the “next level”, not once did I turn my head turn to acknowledge him. Mr. Me said nothing about this lack of attention because he just didn’t pay attention.

Avoids Physical Contact

The advantage of our particular seating arrangement is that at any moment I could have reached over and touched his arm if I was feeling him. I may have tapped his hand a few times, or willingly moved closer to him.

There was none of this and when he went for the seated side hug (picture it, very awkward), I stiffened up like a dead dog and pulled the opposite direction. Once it was time to go and he tried for a good night kiss on my lips, my neck snapped so quickly he got nothing but a taste of hair. There was nothing from my mouth in the form of words or body language otherwise to tell Mr. Me that I was feeling him, nothing at all.

Slow Response/No Response to Texts

Even if the date wasn’t a smashing success, a quick thank you text was still sent to Mr. Me though some people won’t even do this. It’s either going to be taken for just that and nothing more or provide hope that this will happen again. But even if he was still clueless about what was not about to happen that same night, my vague responses and lack of interest in keeping any dialogue going the next two days should have been a clue. Still, he didn’t get it and up until last evening was still texting me asking how my day was etc…

Clueless.

It’s amazing how many men fail to pay attention to words being said (or in this case, lack thereof) and what maybe going on with a woman’s body language. Once again I found myself being out with someone for the sake of doing it, more out of guilt for rejecting him because I didn’t think we had anything in common.

One wasted outfit and a few gallons of gas later, so what’s a girl to do after all of this? Call up her old faithful fuck buddy to redeem herself and end up with some real fireworks.

I just can’t do any more of these pity dates.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
myhangovers@gmail.com

Older Isn’t Necessarily Better

This week in online dating fuckery….

“Grab my attention, huh? Well I’m certainly interested in being locked from top to bottom. I just need to get rid of these cold sores and finish this prescription for this HPV…”

Okay, so I really didn’t say this but it sure would have been a hoot to see what Mister Carmel had to say.

FUCKERY.

Most of the time these foolish tyoes of messages are simply ignored but every now and then, I’ll reply. I know this is a little odd, but sometimes I just want to pass the time being entertained by these idiots.

I’m realizing more and more that the number of “special” man in the universe seems to have reached epidemic proportions. Here we have one that is stupid enough to think that my response was a great thing and, is so slow he didn’t catch an iota of that sarcasm.

This is the kind of mess you might expect from a youngster but oh no little grasshoppers, they come in all ranges. It’s funny how some people like my mother keeps suggesting that I get out of my age range, go for the older and more seasoned but it doesn’t seem to matter.

Here we have a man who’s knocking on 50’s door and probably thought his message was THE cleverest ever. I never responded after that but since then, he’s reached out THREE other times wondering if we could make a date. You know, because his lines are just so damn smooth.

Buh bye fool.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Jan, 2015

The Retards of Online Dating

How do you respond to a dude who’s photos shows a money struggle between bills, weed and women and if you think this photo is bad, just imagine what his dating profile says.

I normally ignore messages from ingrates like this (using the Urban Dictionary meaning here), but sometimes I really want to message EXACT what I am thinking and feel.

The Inland Empire (San Bernardino, Riverside) area seems to be breeding a special kind of loser because this happens to be the fourth of his kind that has reached out to me this week.

Sometimes I really wonder if breaking up with any of my ex’s was such a good idea because for anyone thinking the single life is fun and dating is “cool”, I’ve got about 20 pages on this blog that might encourage you to think about working that shit out with the man or woman you’re with. Damn, it seems like they’re getting worse.

Until there’s a cure….

Carmen Jones

Jun, 2014

Little White Lies

If only he hadn’t invited me upstairs to his place after dinner, things might have gone differently. I may not have figured it out so soon. Let’s roll back the tape to that date two weeks ago…

I’m unapologetically shallow when it comes to physical attractiveness, it’s a turn on. We know this, so I no longer pretend that looks don’t matter. A man with a high level of intelligence and great communication skills is equally sexy and if his integrity and goals are in alignment? A definite panty dropper.

It’s just so damn hard finding that perfect balance, so I try to work with some of the ones who seem good on paper. As long as the man’s photo doesn’t make me cringe, I’m really making an effort to give him a shot. Do you notice how I just down played the fact that this is really settling? Hence, the reason I agreed to talk to and then plan a dinner date with Mr. Armstrong.

The type of guy I’m attracted to tends to have a little more color to his tone though it’s ALWAYS the lighter completed reaching out to me, such as Hope. Mr. Armstrong was far to the left of the color spectrum and while he wasn’t exactly looking like Powder he sure as hell would have a nasty sunburn in the Vegas sun after ten minutes.

His saving grace? He had real substance in his profile, a well groomed goatee always (always) helps and his velvet voice spewed words like musical notes. I think we call it the gift of gab, so what the hell- I convinced myself that a dinner date in the beautiful marina where he grew up was worth a shot.

First impressions can be both a gift and a curse. I’m the type of person who is very expressive so my thoughts and feelings are pretty transparent with my eyebrows and mouth saying it all and when meeting up for the first time, there’s a fear any attempts to appear to be pleased no matter what, a person may sense that I’m really thinking “This meet up with be very brief”. Suffice to say if you arrive at the meeting spot and ignore the person who appears to be waiting near the entrance because you’re looking for the man who looks much better, that’s probably not a good sign. Hearing this same person say “How’s it going Carmen” confirmed that he was my guy.

Damn, this man was so pale in color he looked like a pastry dish and his description about being athletic and toned? Lies, lies, lies. I’ve been down this road before and had I not just driven about thirty miles to meet him i would have turned on my heel and exited stage left. People really need to cut it with the bullshit embellishments, like really. Thankfully, Mr. Armstrong he was quite pleasant to dine with and It turns out that he’s quite successful in the role of a city attorney. Decent date but his category had been quIckly defined- acquaintance or possible future friend only.

Dinner is over and we’re enjoying each other’s company, so I was open to shooting a little pool afterwards. But once we walked outside and he says “Follow me, my place is just down the street”, I gave him that look. I think one of the biggest turnoffs for me is a man inviting you to his place too soon. It just doesn’t look good either way because if you are giving off vibes that you’re feeling him, he’s likely going to expect some ass. Just the same, if you are not giving off any such vibes and you’re going to his place, he’s going to expect some ass. I guess he picked up on my body language and clarified that he had a recreation room at his condo to which I clarified that I had my .45 to accompany me.

A short time later, we arrive at his complex and he tells me we have to make a quick stop to his unit so he can grab some ice and drinks so I’m on guard. He invites me in to have a seat in the living room area while he gets what he needs. I politely declined, opting for the bar stools in the kitchen right near the door. As I’m waiting for what should have been a two minute transaction, he’s chatting about having recently remodeled his place which leads me to believe this dude just wanted to show off what he had and how he was living.

His place was nice indeed and I could tell that he (or the woman who helped him decorate) had impeccable taste but it wasn’t the plush sofa or fancy fixtures that caught my attention; it was the photographs he had adorning his bar area. Sometimes, I really hate that I focus so much on details because things the average person would glaze over are caught by my eagle eyes. Since I enjoy hearing the stories that come with pictures, coming across the largest with Mr. Armstrong and a nice looking, elderly white couple piqued my interest. It only took a few minutes for me to come up with two possible stories behind that photograph, and one of those options didn’t settle too well with my stomach so I held my tongue.

Moments later, I’ve got two stripes to his five solid in this first game of pool and it was something that he said that made me finally ask the questions:

Me: “That’s a nice photo of you from your graduation. Who are the people because you all look exactly alike even though they’re both white.”

Him: “Oh yeah, of course we look alike because those are my parents and I AM white.”

Me: “Parents? Your profile said mixed race.”

This dude just kept his angling intact and prepared to shoot again as if none of this was outside of a regular conversation which was amazing to me. So now that it’s obvious that he lied, I started asking about a couple of the same things he initially told me such as where he grew up which quickly changed from the West Side to “near Snoop Dog in Long Beach”.

The morale of this story is this – I have often said that I wanted to try dating outside my race and yes, I succeeded in doing just that. He was an interesting guy indeed and he was white but the difference here is that he is a white man who acts, talks, tries the walk like a black man. He’s what we call an Oreo and reminded me of a Paul Wall but without the gold grill and honestly, not as cute.

If that’s what I’m trying to get away from, why in the hell would I want someone who has to lie and perpetrate about being something and something that he isn’t? I just can’t with the lying even if he thought it was nothing but a little “white” lie.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

This Week in Dating Fuckery

It’s been a long week for me and today is only Tuesday, so I welcomed a little break with a few dating site messages.

Things started off kind of odd with this dude because his first message said “Hello, you are very beautiful so I had to message. I read your profile carefully and no one is perfect.”

What the hell? Who’s looking for perfection?? I just make it pretty darn clear with this newly reactivated profile that my threshold for bullshit is negative zero.

I reply something simple and this dude asks me how my day was and if I was headed home. I said not yet and returned the question asking if his day was ending well, and here’s how HE responds:

Incarcerated. Really man, what the hell are you messaging me for?? Do I strike you as the one who’ll readily put $20 on your books?

Like my girl MeSoSingle said, why are prisoners privy to so many benefits like the Internet and online dating at that.

Of course, I’ll try to find the humor in situations like this so for shits and giggles, I went back to view his profile again.

Wouldn’t you know, he listed his hobbies as: weight lifting, basketball, drawing. Yep, everything there except making license plates and jogging alongside the fence.

I can’t make up this shit if I tried.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Sep, 2013

The Representative

Sometimes I really wished my levels of perception were dialed down from a level 10 to maybe a 2. Maybe if my instincts about certain situations with these hangovers weren’t so on point, then perhaps I wouldn’t be struggling so much in trying to find my guy. Translation – I should either ignore a lot of shit and be as naïve as a lot of women and just suck it up.

The problem is that the thought of doing this aches me to the core of my soul, because it just isn’t in me to ignore the obvious. I guess th is all means the man I’m supposed to be with is being tucked away somewhere until my mid-50’s or something but for now, any possibility with Out of Sight is OUT OF SIGHT.

It’s a done deal and thankfully it only took me six months to realize that the person he portrayed himself to be was nothing more than a façade of who he really was. I had been dealing with the representative who in a series of rants by text message and even a comment right here on my blog, had shown me that he was definitely not my guy.

Just shameful I tell you because he was a great person who was fun to be around and all that jazz BUT everything goes to hell if you’re a woman who gets involved romantically with him. I’ve said time and time again that there are some people that should not date and Out of Sight is definitely one of them but because he’ll meet woman after woman after woman who finds the same traits that he possesses so appealing as I had. This man will continue the revolving door of misery until he fixes himself.

I don’t just say these things to put myself in the light of glory, but seriously – when people say “It’s not you, it’s me”, there is a 99.99999999% chance, it really is them.

The bottom line after months of involvement I learned that the representative had finally turned control over to him when he revealed that he was a cluster-fuck of emotional baggage that have been ongoing for many years before his marriage and divorce, dating back to what he witnessed and experienced with family and other relationships. The real Out of Sight finally admitted that he had been leading me on from day one, telling me that his intentions were never right.

Just as I had suspected and what’s so sad with all of this coming out he still thought that my disappointment stemmed from him NOT wanting to rush into a relationship, when in reality he wasn’t capable of realizing that (1) having an online dating profile that says “Serious Relationship” means just that to the reader and (2) half of a year isn’t rushing a damn thing. Oh yes, definitely all his issues and it feels good to get it in writing that Carmen isn’t the problem here and you’ll see why I’m saying this in just a moment.

The cracks in this man’s foundation began slowly and subtly before he arrived here in California which then turned into pieces of plaster falling off the wall, and even with the numerous outs I gave him to just tell me what he doesn’t want or where he wasn’t interested in going, he never took them. So you know what happens then, right? A resolution that the two people who aren’t on the same page that could end peacefully without any hard feelings ends with messages like “Fine Carmen, I have granted your request and deleted all of your contact information. I won’t contact you again….”

Narcissistic indeed because I don’t understood why he felt the need to send a message that he had finally accepted I wanted nothing to do with him.

There is plenty to tell about how things all went down and if I put everything all in the same post, it would make for an incredibly long scroll bar while reading. Our situation quickly escalated from good during a mid-week lunch meet up at his job, to mass confusion and not-so-good when he overreacted to something I said as I was leaving and finally, to straight up ugly after he felt the need to post a public service announcement on my blog. In what really seemed like more of an appeal for sympathy of his situation instead of simply sharing his feelings with me, here is what Out of Sight posted* on the last blog entry (*Original and actual content with grammar edits):

Out Of Sight says:28 August, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Carmen, I find it hard to understand how you could walk away from someone you claim to care deeply for just because the pace that CARMEN wants things done in are different from his.

For a person who’s never been married, has dated for a few years and has pretty much everything in line with her life, how could you not possibly understand a man that’s been divorced for barely 2 years, decided to make a life changing move to a totally different state all to start a new life less than 90 days ago.

How could I not possibly be ready to jump right into a relationship? Riiight!

Why not take time to figure out if this is right for me on so many levels. I mean California is the land of the hustle and the home of the barely hanging on. Why would I want to possibly take the time and make sure that I have a stable foundation in a city and state where most people are one check away from losing everything they have ever attained?

Now as far as other prospects being compared to me? Maybe that’s because I’m the most open and honest guy to date. I have never lied to you about anything and I’m always open about my feelings. Maybe it’s because you and I have a lot in common and I don’t put up with BS from you or anyone.

Maybe it’s because family is important to a man like me and all the things that has happened to me in the past 90 days would be rough on anyone.

How about because I have a good heart and believe in a strong foundation in any relationship. Yes, I could jump into a relationship half ass but what would that accomplish? I mean really!!!

Look… For those who haven’t figured out this post, I AM Out of Sight and I love Carmen.

I think she is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but as a man I will take my time and not be rushed into any situation.

So rebound guy (who’s probably has never had a relationship longer than 5 years and has never been married) needs to know that Carmen should be were your search for the perfect woman ends.

She deserves someone who is willing to fit into her life like a puzzle and not come with a lot of baggage. She’s ready for the next step in her life and where she’s trying to go, I’ve already been.

So as much as I’m ready to be back in a situation, it has to be right on both ends. I will not go through struggles, fights, displacement, arguing, or even divorce again. That’s all the bull crap that comes with RUSHING into a relationship without becoming friends first. Trust me; the next relationship will last until death do us part. So…

Until there’s a cure!~Out Of Sight

After he sends me a text message letting me know he had just finished posting something on my blog and figuring I was some kind of pansy not willing to approve it, I read it and was likely the most annoyed that he would use my moniker of “Until there’s a cure” which really seemed like he was taking a jab.

The nerve of this dude and if I wasn’t already seeing red because of the manner in which he decided to say all of this, it became painfully clear that he takes absolutely no responsibility for his own actions and was trying to paint me as the woman trying to force or rush things.

Perhaps he should have gone back through his text message or even voicemail log to refresh his memory that I wasn’t trying to rush anything but merely wanted him to be up front about his intentions with me, that’s it. Why is it so hard for a person to understand that if you start out saying one thing, acting a certain way only to change direction is confusing and frustrating to the other person?

You better believe there was dialogue about all of this and finally, it seemed as if the two of us were on the same page and in agreement that being friends without any actions that even resembled dating was the extent of what we needed. That is until a day later, I receive a text message that begins with “I want to apologize to you…” I have to admit that even now, some three weeks later, I’m still in amazement of how someone could go from one extreme to the next while bringing religious hypocrisy to a whole new level.

Somehow I’m going to share what happens next without giving a word for word account but hey – at least Out of Sight knows that I’m a blogger and since he was ballsy enough to have posted something for the readers to see, he better believe the “other” side of him might be shared as well. It’s shame that I can now say the reason for my singledom is because of men JUST LIKE HIM.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

Online Dating – Week 1

Well, I have just made it through the first week of being “back” into the scheme of things, back in the mix, back in the shit. Online dating.

I guess it wouldn’t be fair to complain about anything such as of the types and quality of men just yet because you get out what you put in, right? Meaning I really haven’t done much other than create the profile, write the abridged versions of “why I’m great and should no longer be single” thesis, and post a decent profile picture. What else have I done, you may ask – not a damn thing.

Like a bird kicking back and waiting for a freshly washed car, I just sat back and waited for the messages to flow in. Staying true to this bird+car analogy, I have seen nothing shit and to hell with anyone trying to use that you are what you attract mantra!

Don’t get me wrong, they have all been that bad but a good majority have. The minuscule profile details, the “Hey beautiful, how are you” messages that are supposed to make me all excited and moist, the images of shirt-less camera-phone-in-mirror shots which scream AMATEUR. Ugh.

Perhaps I’m going about this all wrong? Is it time for me to put up my ego hat and stop acting like clicking “search” and “view” for profiles is just too much to do.

At least doing a search the ability to weed out the undesirables is within MY control. That way I can see if their idea of “About Me” essays consist of a sentence only, the portions where details are provided all say “sometimes”, and all photos have some chicks head and body poorly cropped out ahead of time.

Yes, I think I may be going about this all wrong.

Slow learner, but I’ll get it right.

Carmen~

Ready, set, LAUGH!

Before I can even go into all of the things that went running through my mind when picking a dating web and signing up, I have to say the experts are wrong.

They say that only the good, well written, and carefully thought out profiles are noticed the most. I’m going to have to say no, no, and no.

The ones that stand out like that yellow and black tape at a crime scene are the ones that stand out and for the life of me, I can’t understand why those are the ones making the most contact. They say you are what you attract, right? Since this seems to be the opposite, perhaps I should switch up things to match the a-holes and then I would attract the good ones? I’m just saying.

I have been struck with a bad case of the cooties (stomach flu) and haven’t been back online since setting up my account, but thanks to email alerts, I’ve received several interests and messages. It wasn’t until today, however, that I mustered up all my strength and will (insert violins here) to click and open one. What the hell? Is this a joke? This can’t be real? LOL; all in that order is what followed.

Seriously, what are these douche bags thinking when setting up their profiles?? More than that, I’m actually a little pissed off because I actually took my time AND put thought into creating my own. How do they look at what I wrote, knowing their information wouldn’t get a second glance in a search by more than 90% of the women and think “Ooh yeah, let me go for HER!”? Why aren’t these dating sites getting craftier with the process??

I guess all of this means until I become the mastermind to come up with the solution to match assholes with other assholes and match the rare finds like myself (oh yes I did) with the other rare find, I’m stuck.

Still, I think there’s room for lots of improvement when it comes to the profiles in general. Again, I think a little creativity would scare half of these people online away if being challenged at what is being asked at the point of sign up.

Yes, there’s always the basic information nearly all of these dating sites will ask for such as gender, orientation, what you’re seeking, hobbies, books and all that jazz but let’s spruce it up a bit.

Let’s take for instance, Gender.

What’s funny is this was the FIRST question and the first one that took me a minute before answering. Not because I have questions of what I am (last time I checked, there were no hanging appendages), but because I was expecting a qualifying question after it. You know, something like “were you born a female” or “are you in the process of changing into a female” or better yet, I thought that drop down menu was going to have a “decline to state”.

Next we could make orientation a little more interesting. Yes, this was another easy one for me but when thinking about the types of men I have met (both online and organically), I expected to see a few more options other than “straight” or “gay”. How about adding bisexual, unsure and again, decline to state or “sometimes I’m straight around friends and family, gay around college buddies”. Surely this would weed a lot of people out if given the option to state the REAL deal.

Are you feeling that I’m a little skeptical about my options already?

Okay, so after making it through the first round of questions, I’m taken into the next area that tries to use lame questions to begin determining who is a good match and who isn’t. Here is where there is opportunity for improvement because some of these can be expanded upon allowing the poor victim to get a more accurate depiction of their Romeo or Juliet.

Here’s another, the question about your drinking habits which usually include choices such as:

A. not a drinker
B. drink occasionally
C. social drinker
D. drink several times a week

We all know that most people are going to reply to B or C, knowing good and damn well they are grossly down playing how often they’re kissing that bottle of Jack Daniels or Grey Goose. Instead, maybe it should ask something like:

A. How often do you find yourself waking up and not remembering anything
B. How many times you’ve blown a .12 or higher
Or (yes, this has happened)
C. How many mandatory classes you’ve been ordered to take?

I’m just saying… the types of questions presented for online dating profiles should ALL be based on real life situations, actual thoughts etc…

I must say this, however; I was pleasantly surprised by seeing one that was pretty direct for the “What are you seeking” question and along with short-term and long-term dating and activity partner was Fuc_ buddy!

Okay, not exactly but it did list CASUAL SEX as an option! Shut the front door! Really? Now this should be a no brainer for anyone looking for long walks on the beach and a ring in six months and they receive a message of interest from Jack Boner who’s profile says “Magnum, XXL”.

What I have found is that all of these sites offer something for a particular type of clientele. Plenty of Fish, for instance makes their questions really basic, you know, for basic people. The toughest profile question they offer might be something like “I know Los Angeles is in California”. eHarmony may have something a little more challenging for the ‘serious’ daters they hope to attract so their question might be “10,000 ways to avoid being caught in a lie” and of course, require ten steps before you can access and read the question, followed by twenty clicks before revealing the answer.

Toughen up the questions, make people reveal a little more and hopefully help in weeding out the good ones, from the maybe’s from the hell no’s.

Assuming people are truthful, of course…

Alright, rant is over. Now, it is with great pleasure that I share one of the profiles I have just received notice from who (gasp) chose ME. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet, Captain Douchero:

His summary: “Hey there babe, buy me a drink.”

About him and what he wants in life: “I don’t really wear glasses. I’m really good at
Running to the future.”

Something people notice about him: “I’m running right past them. So – a fast blur?”

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food: “THE LITTLE ENGINE THAT COULD!”

What you might find me doing on a Friday night: ” I am naked in the back of a police car.”

Something I’m willing to share: “There’s a sex tape or two of me with a blow up doll floating around on the internet; I’m a republican, I lost my virginity when I was 28, to my sisters best friend, in the back seat of a police car, at night…”

Need I say more?

Now obviously, some of these answers are in jest as this man makes a mockery of the dating profile. Could he actually be an interestingly great guy with an odd sense of humor? Sure. Am I willing to take a chance based on what I’ve read to find out? Absolutely not.

Until there’s a cure…

I’m back!

Category Archives: Plenty of Fail

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