Reappearing Act Gone Wrong

It’s amazing how men think they can just disappear and pop back into your life like it’s nothing.  But this hangover thought wrong and caught me on the sober end of taco Tuesday.

Grab your headphones and get ready to LISTEN to a raw and UNEDITED explanation of why I sent that venomous text in my last post.

This is my first time trying a podcast style post, so don’t judge me.

I was pissed.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9Z8h58LxeVOWXFfSmRHWTNkazg/view?usp=drivesdk

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Program Change 

While contemplating my next move with Jon B, I’m realizing that aside from him being cute and seemingly good on paper, we really don’t have that much in common or at least nothing else that I can tell because he doesn’t talk about much.  

Sure, we both enjoy eating and indulging in cocktails, but other than that I only know that he’s hustling to expand his business, takes a lot of naps and feels slighted that his daughter isn’t too interested in his Skyping calls. That’s it – just the surface and superficial stuff.

So as I’m telling a friend about his latest radio silent act like, she silence me the most perfect suggestion:

“You need to take him off the boyfriend program and put him on the fuck boy program.  Treat him like he’s here to pass the time.”

This dude will consume several days in a row if I allowed him to and as much as I’m enjoying his company, everything seems to be on his terms and timeline which isn’t cool and another friend says I need to stop making myself so available.  

But isn’t that kind of like playing games?  If you are available and have nothing else to do, you should say no every once in a while so the other person thinks you’ve got other things going on?

Here’s what I don’t like: he responds to text messages and phone calls when he’s good and damn ready and if I’m trying to plan something in advance, he doesn’t get back until the last minute with a counteroffer. 

I don’t like being ignored because actions like this remind me of one or two hangovers from my past.  Seeing as how the average person is staring at their phone countless hours a day, it’s inconceivable that ten seconds can’t be taken to tap out a reply.  

I know this for a fact because I just did the same thing to another guy.  

He texted me at 10:29am and I saw my phone light up within a few minutes and could have replied with a simple “Hey, good
morning…Already working but we’ll chat later”, but I didn’t want to.  He’s nice and but I’m not feeling him at and figured responding too quickly would give him false hopes, so I would just respond later.  I didn’t respond until this afternoon.

See how this shit works?

Dealing with another one of those super busy and forgetful guys isn’t an appealing option, and neither is the possibility that he’s curving me so I asked him again if he wanted to become a fuck buddy and he’s saying no.  

His actions are telling me otherwise so I’ll give him a week or so, if that.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

 

High Standards, Single Women

In a perfect world, we would do everything in sequence such as getting to know each other as friends before you start dating someone but nothing is perfect and sometimes doing things out of order ends up being a good thing.  When it comes to men, I’m finding this to be an advantage and in most cases can thank my lucky stars that my spidey senses about a hangover kicked in before it was too late.  My talk with one that I’ve known for a few years now was quite enlightening when he revealed why he never pursued anything with me after several outings.

While the story doesn’t quite go the way he remembers since it was me who told him I wasn’t interested, I’ll let USBC believe things were under his control.  During one of those conversations with someone of the opposite sex the question of who I’m involved with almost always comes up, and when I responded there wasn’t anyone right now who was appealing, USBC says he tells me the reason he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything serious is because didn’t want to do that much work and was afraid of me.

Too much work and afraid, huh?

I knew this talk was about to get interesting and he begins explaining how afraid he was that I would be that one woman to do a number on him.  Meaning, he’s so used to being the one in a situation/relationship causing the other grief and pain, the idea of someone doing the same to him wasn’t something he could contend with.  Just like a few others, USBC couldn’t believe that he could have stumbled on someone who was sexy, smart, funny, adventurous, spirited and kinky like me could be kept by a man like him.  As such, he figured it was best to go with a “safer option” and began dating some low maintenance chick not having to worry about doing any real work to keep her happy.

For some reason, this was so funny to me because a lot of my friends always wonder how the boring chick seems to score in relationships and marriages and it’s because they’re considered low maintenance or as he said – low maintenance.  I think this Huff Post article gives the most accurate description of this type of woman saying she is “willing to repress her own needs in order to make no demands on her current or desired partner.”

Taking it a step further beyond her submissive ways, envision what she is typically going to look like.  She is likely very basic if not frumpy, does minimal to keep up her exterior appearance (she would never rock a Ruby Woo lipstick and a stiletto is out of the question) and is likely sporting everything au natural.  The type of woman who is low maintenance might be a loner or a homebody.  Most importantly – just rolls with the ebbs and flows, accepting of all of the bullshit these men may send her way.

Almost always, she’s being cheated on for a woman like me and just as USBC explained to me – the very things that makes a man like him interested in being with her, are the same things that he ends up despising once he realizes she just doesn’t go it for him. In my eyes,  these women aren’t winning a damn thing.

I’m totally stoked about this conversation for two reasons – the most obvious being able to figure after only three dates that we weren’t a good fit based on what I was hearing and now, this man being comfortable enough to actually divulge what I’ve suspected to be the problem with dating all along:

The insecurities of a man are most often the reason for all of the drama and headaches with dating and relationships.

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Sorry fellas, I’m not the beat up Toyota Corolla with 200,000 miles that only needs the tires kicked every now and then.   But I’m not the Phantom Rolls Royse running you $650 a pop for a basic oil change.

I AM a woman of substance who takes pride in her appearance and has enough self-respect to know my worth.

Accept it and love me or leave me alone.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Don’t Ignore the Signs

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Photo credit: www.alternativemedicine.com

It saddens me to hear about yet another relationship gone terribly wrong.  In case you haven’t heard the latest news, rapper Earl Hayes who was once signed to Floyd Mayweather’s record label decided to take a tragically different approach to reconciliation by shooting his wife and star of VH1’s reality show Hit the Floor, Stephanie Moseley, then taking his own life in an apparent murder-suicide.

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Stephanie Moseley/Earl Hayes

While we will never know exactly what took place in the moments leading up to this tragic event on the morning of Monday December 8th, it seems as if Stephanie may have been in the dark about how bad things really were between them since she had just told relatives days earlier that “things had been going pretty well”.  On the other hand, there’s a strong possibility that she knew exactly what the state of the relationship was and did what so many of us may do – save face and lie instead of having to explain to our loved ones about what’s really going on. One thing we definitely know is that Hayes had been suffering from depression and emotional instability and even friends knew about it.

Mental illness is nothing to play around with and while more than 54 million Americans have a form of illness such as depression, bipolar disorder or panic disorders, most aren’t seeking any type of treatment.  Sadly, this is the case particularly when it comes to blacks and if we drilled a little further I would go so far as to say this relates to black men more often than we are willing to admit.

As I review the different stories surfacing about the Hayes/Moseley tragedy and think about the other high profile incidents where one or both people in a relationship had been known to suffer from a mental illness, I am truly thankful for having dodged a few bullets myself.  There have been a few men from my past who had either shown me the signs indirectly (displays of extreme mood swings, jealous behavior etc..) or directly (suicide attempts, physical assault) as early as my teenage years, and as recently as a few years ago.

You can call it lack of compassion and understanding, or not really have caring for the man as much as I professed to at the time, but I call it common sense.  Just like any kind of addiction, if you’re dealing with someone suffering from a condition who fails to acknowledge it and seek help, you’re spinning your wheels trying to help them.  I’m sure this beautiful woman knew exactly what kinds of demons her husband was dealing with or maybe she wasn’t 100% sure but you know most certainly, the signs were there.

Even at an early age I recognized the signs from these men of my past who were definitely suffering from one or more forms of mental illness and even with feelings and love, chose me and chose to live because I’m pretty sure that at least one has it in him to take the same course of action as Earl Hayes.

The struggle is real.

Carmen Jones

Anna Mae, Eat the Cake!

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This post is dedicated to any woman who thought she was being too picky, said no too quickly or even said these dreaded “may as well” when going out with someone she should have ignored and deleted.   It’s going to be a long one, so grab your coffee and take a seat.

On the surface, this one hangover seemed like a pretty decent catch.  He’s educated, is a homeowner,  and has been pretty successful in a career as a social worker for over ten years.  The bonus was that he decided not to operate as if he was a sperm bank and only had one child of wedlock.  The man mentioned something about having goals, travel plans, and  more and if I played my cards right, likely would have wined and dined me, sparing no expense.  There is hope after all if what I told myself.  Yet at the same time, I believe this same man would have BEAT the living daylights out of me if I told a joke that he didn’t find funny, wore something he disliked, refused to pop a woman in the head with a bottle and most certainly, I  would have been strangled if I dare question anything about his manhood.  In all of my dating experiences, I don’t think I have ever, ever, ever witnessed a person showing their raging maniac temper on a date (the first date, no less) and showing NO remorse.  Not ever.

In fact, towards the end of the Nightmare in Temecula he’s telling me how well the date went, adding that the two of us would make a power couple.  He had his ego so far up his ass that he hadn’t noticed my angst.  While his visions of us running through the lilies hand in hand,  I had visions of him slapping the hell out of me, sending me flying over the hood of my car.   It was painfully obvious that he was talking about a different date, night and person.  Allow me to introduce what I have managed to dodge, a man named Bullet.  Although he wasn’t necessarily desirable in terms of location living in the Inland Empire but just as I explained above – he had his shit together.  Just like the others who graduated from in-box chats to the number exchange, Bullet did all of the right things in the beginning and opened up the lines of communication with catchy, well written messages showing just the right amount of interest that weren’t too desperate and soon after he messaged,  we graduated to step 3 of the online dating game,   the telephone conversation.

You might be wondering if he was really good looking and the answer is no, even though he bragged about people saying he looked like Edris Elba. Maybe at night, after a drink or two and a missing contact lens.  Not horrible, but decent enough and so it began but about thirty minutes into the conversation,  I started learning about the type of guy he really was and man- why or why do we always ignore that first instinct?  Likely because the person we’re picking up the bad vibe from is good at running game and will tell you “it was just a joke” or “don’t be so serious”, making you feel like there’s just a big misunderstanding.  First conversations usually include topics such as asking what a person does for a living, length of single hood, favorite sports team or when the first meeting will be, right? Ours had a few others that I wasn’t really used to but I took them for what they were worth, immediately being made aware of Bullet’s “intense phobia of fat women”.  He asked no less than five times if the person in my photos were really me, and added his last couple of dates ended in disaster when he met women who were “two cheeseburgers from floating” or “wheezed when wobbling.”  He’s serious about weight which is cool, I feel the same about teeth.

It’s true when they say you can take a person out of the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out of a person.  This guy is proud about living in Temecula, but at times would say things as if he was on 54th and Vernon in South Central LA.  So out of curiosity I asked where he was originally from and when he replied “Why, I sound like I’m from somewhere other than out here” I knew he was a hood transplant.   Before I could say anything else he suddenly started yelling “No,  you greedy ass now get the hell out of here!”.  Seconds later, he calmly returns to the discussion as if nothing had ever happened.  Bullet seemed to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds flat but I brushed of that incident as annoyance after a long day.

So on to the second instance of his questionable behavior which happens to be Saturday, and an early morning talk between the two of us goes pretty well. Bullet was in a pretty jovial mood and commented how much he really wanted to meet me and he just knew we would hit it off. There WERE quite a few things we had in common, so it was a no brainer when he asked if I wanted to go to a comedy show later that night.  But then things got interesting when we chatted about the meet up.  Control freak.

The plan was for Bullet to contact me later that afternoon to solidify the plans, but instead  I didn’t hear back from him until about 7:30pm.  Sure, I could have called Bullet earlier to see what was up, but if someone tells you they’ll be busy working, it is to be understood that they’ll be busy working.  With that in mind, getting a phone call at that time and confirming plans at 8pm for a show that starts at 10pm, factoring in a 50 minute drive was cutting it close.  When I commented to him that I may be a little late he quickly replied “Late? Why would you be late?  It takes you that long to get ready or do you drive that slow?” There was a bit of silence at first and I quickly fired back “No smart ass, neither but I’m not sure what part of the area you think I live in, but I’m closer to the beach”.  Bullet starts laughing and says “Damn baby, I’m just joking – stop being so serious.  Do what you need to do, text me as soon as you leave the house and I’ll see you in a bit.”

You can be completely turned off by how someone behaves in public.  I’m sure I broke the speed limits to get there on time but I made it only to meet up with this man who walked up to me like he was 6’5, with tons of muscles and balls the size of door knobs.  He’s smoothing his hair down and starts licking his lips like I was the two-piece special from KFC.  Really dude? Not only was his thirsty behavior killing me I was pissed that his photo “enhancements” were more on the side of deceiving. He did NOT have an average build (weighed no more than 110 wet), he was not 5’10 (probably 5’7),  and those lips did NOT look so succulent (more like tar in color).  Bullet wasn’t a Critter, but  went overboard with Photoshop. Lastly, his pimp walk was out of control and I could tell he did that the type of person who liked being the center of attention.

Setting aside his animated antics, he was still acting like a gentleman by complimenting me, opening doors, pulled out chairs and allowed me to order first when the waitress arrived.  As we sat waiting for the first comic to come up, the clouds, thunder and lightning started suddenly began moving towards the comedy club. All I can say is poor waitress.  Apparently when Bullet barked his order to her over the loudness of the club, she missed a crucial part of his request because when she brought out his beer BEFORE his food, he lost his mind.

All I heard was something about warm beer and the waitress apologized again and again while trying to leave, he yelled for her to take it away and bring another when the food is ready. If only I could click my heels and disappear to Kansas but instead, my eyes just told the poor girl I was sorry for him being an asshole. Seeing anyone treat a server like that is ridiculous and when he leaned over  to gain my support, whispering and introducing me to breath that smelled a little like my gym shoes, I just shook my head. Bullet asked if I heard when he asked for the drink and meal at the same time, I said no and joked “Easy killer” and he joked back “I wasn’t mad at her; I was just giving her a hard time – stop being so serious.”

Alright, so comedy the show is absolutely fabulous and Bullet’s personality remains in “friendly” mode.  We joked around a little bit and when he said he knew of a nice spot nearby with good drinks and music, I reluctantly agreed to go.  I wasn’t dressed for a nightclub but alcohol at the end of a date like this sounded good to me, especially because I already knew that there would never ever be another with him. Several minutes later, we arrive at some place and this is where things really got interesting, and soon I realized all that I ever needed to know or wanted to know about this nut.  You should not mouth off around someone with anger management issues.

In a matter of about twenty minutes, the question of where he was originally from was answered with “the hood” and I also learned how much he hated had Mexicans.  I mean really dude – we ARE in California, so I’m not sure why you were so surprised that a nightclub in one of the areas with the highest population of “those suckers” was so shocking. Knowing how Bullet feels about our surrounding explains his behavior when this one guy in a wheelchair who obviously should have backed away from the bar hours ago, kept circling in the middle of us while he was dancing.  He was inching closer and closer out of his chamber and when wheelchair dancer either accidentally or drunkenly got a little too close, I saw Bullet’s handle begin to cock so I quickly pulled him away towards the bar.

I’ll mention again that I was dressed for a comedy club and not a nightclub, so after a while I told Bullet that it was too hot inside.  He turns to me and says “No one told you to wear all of that hot shit; you knew you were coming out here so I don’t know what you were thinking.”  My jaw dropped to the floor and I guess the expression on my face was pretty bad because he starts laughing and says “Damn girl, I’m just joking – stop being so serious all the time.”  I am beside myself, outside myself and ready to turn into someone other than myself and several scenes from “What’s Love Got To Do With It”  played out in my head, especially the part when Ike kept telling Anna Mae to eat the cake before shoving it in her face.

Before I could tell him to shove his “jokes” up his ass and bounce out the door, this (drunk) chick comes strolling by and ends up elbowing him in the back while trying to get through the crowded walk way.  Oh-My- God.  I think my brain was trying to process my escape strategy out of this club when Bullet’s face changes, that forehead crease turns into a fold and he whips around and shoves her.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he yells at her saying “What the fu@k is wrong with you; you can’t just elbow people in the back like that.  You fu@king crazy??”  In a matter of seconds her face went from shock (what the hell, did I just get shoved), to disgust (no he did not just talk to me like that), to fear (oh wow, he’s nuts).  She stuttered an apology and Bullet fired back repeating the question, telling her to apologize again and added that she needs to be more respectful. All I could think of was how long it would take for the woman’s boyfriend, brother or friend to come over there with a chair, bottle or knife and that would be the end of Carmen.  When I say I exited stage left, I mean I EXITED stage left.  I can’t even remember how I got out of there so fast, but all I know is that Bullet was behind me asking me to slow down wondering why I was upset.

As funny as this may sound, the man REALLY believed that the woman had done the elbow move on purpose because he 2 as black.  Anything else he was saying is a blur because I was in escape mode, fumbling for my keys while walking.  He’s still talking and then asks if I agreed that the night had gone well and when I laughed,  said no and walked even faster, asked what was my problem.  “That situation could have been handled differently and you should not put hands on a woman like that”. This clown just sucked his teeth and said the types of women he’s dealt with would have thought his actions were right in line. Bullet professed how he needed a ride or die chick; the type of woman would have backed him up, had his back, realized he was a “real” man, and probably even offered to beat the chick up.  Sorry boo, but I’m not that woman and while you think it’s been a great date this nightmare must come to an end.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

But at Least She HAS a Man!

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“Finally, I have met my soul mate. He is a true lover of the Lord, engages me in deep and thought-provoking conversations and compliments me constantly. Never have I had a man tell me how beautiful I am several times a day, not even my ex-husband and I can’t recall the last time I have ever felt so wanted by a man. Sure, he’s got a few minor things to work out but I’m not worried about any of that.”

Isn’t this lovely?

This was a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a co-worker who’s in her 50’s y as she gushed about how much in love she was with someone she stumbled on from Plenty of Fish. Of course after she shares the story with me and I’ve told her I was happy for her while wishing her luck for a positive and long-term experience, she turns and asks if there was a prospect in the works for me. I simply replied “No, and I’m okay with it right now” and then she tells me “Carmen, you better come down off of those high standards and expectations or you’re going to end up alone into your 50’s like I was…”

Certain situations require you to simply smile and walk away.

My standards seem incredibly unrealistic in her eyes, acting as if she’s just fallen in love with the most desirable man on earth.  Not only have I learned that she’s relaxed her standards by dealing with a man that is still married (been there, done that) – she also shared that he has a few other “things to work on”.

is acting like her catch is the best of the best because not only did I learn that he is still married, he has a few other “things to work on”:

Job?  Nope
Car? Nope
Own place?  Nope
Driver’s license?  Nope

Can someone really be so blindly in love that they don’t care about a person’s circumstances, even the inability to take care of their basic needs? It still confuses the hell out of me how men (and women are guilty of it as well) have their twisted little minds lying to them, making it okay to even think about dating. Sure, everyone deserves to find someone to make them happy and get a little love but how about getting your shit together first.

Being able to fulfill your own basic needs should be a given, if not a requirement before you even consider dating someone, shouldn’t it?  Okay, so life happens and your car could break down, you need to crash at your parent’s house for a little while or maybe that license lapsed but dating and being unemployed?  What’s even more interesting shocking to me is the mindset of some people who really believe that being unemployed AND actively trying to date is okay.  The guy writing this article even says being in this status is a good time to redefine yourself.  Really?

If this is what my “high” standards need to be reduced to, I’ll look at adopting about two or three  more cats and make sure I’ve got a slew of AA  batteries on stand-by for the rough times.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

It’s an Epidemic!

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A few weeks ago I was enjoying lunch with a group of friends.  One says she couldn’t understand why a beautiful woman who was also classy, smart and well-rounded could be single.  So very, very single.  She hears some of the stories but doesn’t know the full extent of the dating nightmares.

Another friend sat quietly and then said how she couldn’t wait until the right caliber of man, with HIS shit together came around.  She is a follower of the blog and knows of all the gritty, behind the scenes stories.

The screenshot above was snagged from a Facebook post the night before last and not surprisingly, the woman who posted it caught hell.  From the men, several of which telling her how she will remain single because she is expecting too much,  being judgemental and was a turn off.

My dating profile isn’t as blunt as the statement above, however I do mention the type of man preferred.  So of course with my luck, every now and then some asshole wants to lodge a complaint because I viewed them profile and kept going.  Yesterday,  this brother (isn’t it always) messages me with the “you’re judgmental” and “accept a man as he is and just build him up”.   So now I have to build a man like build a bear?!?!?!

These men need to get a grip on reality!  What woman would find anything appealing in the Facebook post from above?  Surely not one of substance and surely,  not me.

Until there’s a cure….

Carmen Jones

Is This What I Wanted?

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For anyone out there who thinks the best way to get over someone is to meet someone new, two fist pumps in the air to you because I think it’s a bad idea.  Several of my girlfriends have done this even though I have always suggested otherwise because they don’t realize that if you’re still licking wounds from that last situation do you really think you’re a good candidate for the next guy?  Besides all of your issues what about the poor unsuspecting sap who will have no idea why you start showing some unappealing traits after a couple conversations and dates. Each person is different so it may take a shorter period of time to get over the feelings of disappointment, anger, desires for revenge, feelings of hopelessness, and for some people like me – thoughts that you are simply too good to remain single may be the motivation for getting back out there.   Even if it is too soon for you.

I think it was the latter that led me to believe that I shouldn’t stop dating after my dealings with Out of Sight and what did I do?  I went right to the benchwarmers.  All of the men I had exchanged number with who had been trying their best to woo and pursue me, putting forth their best efforts in showing me all of the things that scream out to a woman “I want YOU!”.I’ll admit that there was a part of my thought process that went along the lines of trying to prove a point to Out of Sight that although he wasn’t in a position to make something work with a woman like me, another man out there certainly is willing and is in a position to do so.  I should have known better because what I really need is a dating timeout should have removed myself from the scene altogether and instead, I ended up spending time with two men who are getting tired of me “playing games” and “not knowing what I really wanted”.

The notion of me being unsure about what it is that I want is almost laughable because I am most certainly sure, but it has been a combination of me simply not being ready to open up my world to anyone new and plain lack of attraction. Both of these men were forewarned that I had recently cut off dealings with someone and still, they decided to dive in head first and after a few rounds of fuzzy vibes, poor communication and spells of me not wanting to spend any time, are realizing that they may be doing nothing but wasting their time.

Johnny Appleseed was mentioned a few posts ago is one and this new guy I’ll refer to as Knee Jerk was the other, two men who may have just ended up in the right place at the wrong time.  Still, as good as they seem on paper they both have elements that aren’t too appealing.Johnny is a man on a mission and he made it pretty clear that he’s tired of dating and is looking for his next wife.  At 45 years of age, he is well over the party scene and hanging out late at night, and is no longer attracted to women who are still doing the same thing and wants a woman who is also ready to settle down and start building a future together. This sounds like my kind of guy, right? The complete opposite of the last two men (Out of Sight and Hope) I had been dealing with who are so wrapped up in life reconstruction which is preventing  them from see the light at the end of the tunnel while, not understanding why they’re not in the best position to be online dating.  I gave Johnny the disclaimer so he was forewarned and I allowed him the chance to decide if he wanted to leave me alone and walk away or take a chance. He opted for the latter and wants to remain on the scene until I come around because as it put it – you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize a great opportunity that is placed before you.It’s quite refreshing to encounter a man who is exactly where he wants to be in life and realizes that if you meet someone, you connect and can envision that person being a significant part of your life for the long run, you better go for it.  He made his intentions and direction in life abundantly clear and on more than one occasion has left me completely speechless with one of several food for thought moments.  Johnny’s idea of what a man is supposed to be and how he should act is quite impressive and at times, I felt like he was doing a little too much to sell himself even though it all sounds really good.  For instance, he responded to a comment about my dating disappointments he responded with:

I’m ready to cut off this nuisance dating web site for the sake of cultivating a relationship with you, but you need to figure out what it is that you really want.I am very much interested in you and I know a precious find when I stumble on it.  You need a real man, not these boys perpetrating as men.  I have been in the role of being the protector and the provider and want to be there for you to take all of the pressure that you carry off your shoulders. Being a single parent is a lot of work and I recognize you are a great mother and would like for us to come together and make something happen. I’m the guy who will be at all of the kid’s games, helping out around the house and more.I don’t know what that man did to you that is making you want to give up on what you’re looking for and deserve, but then again I could care less.  His loss, my find.  Enjoy the rest of your day and we will speak this evening.

I mean really – what woman wouldn’t find a man that speaks with conviction about his life and purpose, and has a special clarity and goals for how he intends on planning out his future with a significant other appealing?  I love the way this man communicates his feelings with me in such a free and uninhibited manner because he’s a man on a mission yet somehow, I’m turned off all at the same time.  When you have spent hours and hours of talk time for months, and several instances of face time with one man and feel like you gained nothing only to meet another you’ve only seen twice who acts like he’s ready to give you the world, it can be a little confusing.  I think it’s part of that rebound affect and me not having cleared the air with the last man that is causing me not to be as open and receptive to this man.  Now is the time to decide if I should set aside the little nuances that aren’t so appealing to me and go with the flow. Time will tell.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

The Representative

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Sometimes I really wished my levels of perception were dialed down from a level 10 to maybe a 2. Maybe if my instincts about certain situations with these hangovers weren’t so on point, then perhaps I wouldn’t be struggling so much in trying to find my guy.  Translation – I should either ignore a lot of shit and be as naïve as a lot of women and just suck it up.  

The problem is that the thought of doing this aches me to the core of my soul, because it just isn’t in me to ignore the obvious. I guess th is all means the man I’m supposed to be with is being tucked away somewhere until my mid-50’s or something but for now, any possibility with Out of Sight is OUT OF SIGHT.

It’s a done deal and thankfully it only took me six months to realize that the person he portrayed himself to be was nothing more than a façade of who he really was.  I had been dealing with the representative who in a series of rants by text message and even a comment right here on my blog, had shown me that he was definitely not my guy.    

Just shameful I tell you because he was a great person who was fun to be around and all that jazz BUT everything goes to hell if you’re a woman who gets involved romantically with him.  I’ve said time and time again that there are some people that should not date and Out of Sight is definitely one of them but because he’ll meet woman after woman after woman who finds the same traits that he possesses so appealing as I had. This man will continue the revolving door of misery until he fixes himself.  

I don’t just say these things to put myself in the light of glory, but seriously – when people say “It’s not you, it’s me”, there is a 99.99999999% chance, it really is them.

The bottom line after months of involvement I learned that the representative had finally turned control over to him when he revealed that he was a cluster-fuck of emotional baggage that have been ongoing for many years before his marriage and divorce, dating back to what he witnessed and experienced with family and other relationships. The real Out of Sight finally admitted that he had been leading me on from day one, telling me that his intentions were never right.

Just as I had suspected and what’s so sad with all of this coming out he still thought that my disappointment stemmed from him NOT wanting to rush into a relationship, when in reality he wasn’t capable of realizing that (1) having an online dating profile that says “Serious Relationship” means just that to the reader and (2) half of a year isn’t rushing a damn thing.  Oh yes, definitely all his issues and it feels good to get it in writing that Carmen isn’t the problem here and you’ll see why I’m saying this in just a moment.

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The cracks in this man’s foundation began slowly and subtly before he arrived here in California which then turned into pieces of plaster falling off the wall, and even with the numerous outs I gave him to just tell me what he doesn’t want or where he wasn’t interested in going, he never took them. So you know what happens then, right?  A resolution that the two people who aren’t on the same page that could end peacefully without any hard feelings ends with messages like “Fine Carmen, I have granted your request and deleted all of your contact information.  I won’t contact you again….”  

Narcissistic indeed because I don’t understood why he felt the need to send a message that he had finally accepted I wanted nothing to do with him.

There is plenty to tell about how things all went down and if I put everything all in the same post, it would make for an incredibly long scroll bar while reading. Our situation quickly escalated from good during a mid-week lunch meet up at his job, to mass confusion and not-so-good when he overreacted to something I said as I was leaving and finally, to straight up ugly after he felt the need to post a public service announcement on my blog.  In what really seemed like more of an appeal for sympathy of his situation instead of simply sharing his feelings with me, here is what Out of Sight posted* on the last blog entry (*Original and actual content with grammar edits):

Out Of Sight says:28 August, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Carmen, I find it hard to understand how you could walk away from someone you claim to care deeply for just because the pace that CARMEN wants things done in are different from his.

For a person who’s never been married, has dated for a few years and has pretty much everything in line with her life, how could you not possibly understand a man that’s been divorced for barely 2 years, decided to make a life changing move to a totally different state all to start a new life less than 90 days ago.

How could I not possibly be ready to jump right into a relationship? Riiight!

Why not take time to figure out if this is right for me on so many levels. I mean California is the land of the hustle and the home of the barely hanging on. Why would I want to possibly take the time and make sure that I have a stable foundation in a city and state where most people are one check away from losing everything they have ever attained?

Now as far as other prospects being compared to me? Maybe that’s because I’m the most open and honest guy to date. I have never lied to you about anything and I’m always open about my feelings. Maybe it’s because you and I have a lot in common and I don’t put up with BS from you or anyone.

Maybe it’s because family is important to a man like me and all the things that has happened to me in the past 90 days would be rough on anyone.

How about because I have a good heart and believe in a strong foundation in any relationship. Yes, I could jump into a relationship half ass but what would that accomplish? I mean really!!!

Look… For those who haven’t figured out this post, I AM Out of Sight and I love Carmen.

I think she is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but as a man I will take my time and not be rushed into any situation.

So rebound guy (who’s probably has never had a relationship longer than 5 years and has never been married) needs to know that Carmen should be were your search for the perfect woman ends.

She deserves someone who is willing to fit into her life like a puzzle and not come with a lot of baggage. She’s ready for the next step in her life and where she’s trying to go, I’ve already been.

So as much as I’m ready to be back in a situation, it has to be right on both ends. I will not go through struggles, fights, displacement, arguing, or even divorce again. That’s all the bull crap that comes with RUSHING into a relationship without becoming friends first. Trust me; the next relationship will last until death do us part.  So…

Until there’s a cure!~Out Of Sight

After he sends me a text message letting me know he had just finished posting something on my blog and figuring I was some kind of pansy not willing to approve it, I read it and was likely the most annoyed that he would use my moniker of “Until there’s a cure” which really seemed like he was taking a jab.  

The nerve of this dude and if I wasn’t already seeing red because of the manner in which he decided to say all of this, it became painfully clear that he takes absolutely no responsibility for his own actions and was trying to paint me as the woman trying to force or rush things.

Perhaps he should have gone back through his text message or even voicemail log to refresh his memory that I wasn’t trying to rush anything but merely wanted him to be up front about his intentions with me, that’s it.  Why is it so hard for a person to understand that if you start out saying one thing, acting a certain way only to change direction is confusing and frustrating to the other person?

You better believe there was dialogue about all of this and finally, it seemed as if the two of us were on the same page and in agreement that being friends without any actions that even resembled dating was the extent of what we needed.  That is until a day later, I receive a text message that begins with “I want to apologize to you…”  I have to admit that even now, some three weeks later, I’m still in amazement of how someone could go from one extreme to the next while bringing religious hypocrisy to a whole new level.

Somehow I’m going to share what happens next without giving a word for word account but hey – at least Out of Sight knows that I’m a blogger and since he was ballsy enough to have posted something for the readers to see, he better believe the “other” side of him might be shared as well.  It’s shame that I can now say the reason for my singledom is because of men JUST LIKE HIM.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

The Rebound

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Wikipedia defines a rebound in terms of basketball as the act of successfully gaining possession of the basketball after a missed field goal or free throw.Rebounds in basketball are a routine part in the game, as all possessions change after a shot is successfully made.

Now what if I took that same meaning and applied my own little touches to it might apply to dating:

A rebound in dating is the act of successfully gaining possession of the emotions, thoughts and sometimes your heart after a failed relationship or prospect of one. Rebounds in dating are a routine part in the dating game, as many men and women believe those strong feelings change after a few interactions with someone new are a success.

Whoever says the best way to get over a failed situation is by meeting and dating someone new are completely wrong, so my apologies to all of my readers, friends and family members who believe this to be the case.  Unless you are truly over someone, who no matter how much we try to deny it really only comes with time, any poor sap that crosses your path is going to end up becoming a third string alternate. Nothing but a rebound.

I know I’m getting a little ahead of myself because I haven’t posted the last update from my dealings with Out of Sight, but let’s just say things are quite different after my last interaction with the man. Situationville is an awful place and as one of the readers commented a few days ago, someone in this confusing place is going to get to the point of having had enough and pull the trigger.   After having had what was likely the third or fourth discussion over the same issue (his inconsistent communication), it was clear that if you have to tell someone the same thing repeatedly they either are stupid or simply don’t care.

Whichever the case, I had been over things for a while and finally told Out of Sight he didn’t have to try anything with me and reiterated the fact that leaving things in a friendly state and nothing is more is what we should have stuck to.That was about two weeks ago and there has been no further communication between the two of us since then which is actually a good thing;  I felt so relaxed not even having to think about possibilities and what could be with him or wonder why he does the stupid shit he knows gets under my skin. I completely let go and even decided to take down the dating profile, even if just for a little while.  That was until I started considering the feedback of those who were saying not to give up on anything just because this was such a big disappointment and to get out and have some fun with someone new.

What happened next was that any of the men I had already exchanged numbers with weeks prior and had either been ignoring them altogether or simply stalling were taken off the bench and given positions as part of my starting line-up.  Each of the four or maybe even five men (yes, I’ve lost count) that I’ve been dealing with have some appealing qualities in one or more ways, but at the same time they each have things I either am leery about or flat out don’t want to deal with.  Since I haven’t really spent a whole lot of time interacting or being with any of them, there isn’t a single one who has really captured my attention but each and every one is READY.

Meaning they have expressed the readiness to find someone and someone to marry in the very near future, raise a family (blended and all) or start a family and for someone like me who wants the same thing, I should be jumping all over any prospect who seems to be on the exact same page.Yet for the life of me, I can’t seem to figure out why I’m not acting right and while each is certainly physically attractive with the exception of one that I have yet to meet, there aren’t any thoughts or feelings that any single man in this group has the ability to sweep me off my feet.

There’s even a slight twinge of guilt building up inside because I’ve caught myself doing a few things people do if they’re using someone as a rebound, be it unintentional or not.  I often find myself comparing the new contenders in terms of differences, be it good or bad and wonder if when things progress, could I ever be as attracted to one of these men in so many ways.Most importantly, in my mind it seems like it’s too soon, whether Out of Sight and I were in a relationship or not; we definitely were in something so in return of these rebound-like thoughts, there have been moments where these men have called me out on my actions.

Case in point – over the last week or so I’ve actually been exhibiting some of the same types of inconsistent behaviors that that I had bitched about to Out of Sight and doing them to one of the sweetest guys, so early this morning he sent this:

“You told me you would call me back after you got in, and you didn’t. So that told me that I’m more of an option instead of a priority which is cool.  I know where I stand and know where to place US.  We both have work to do; I need to work on being with you more and YOU need to figure out if you want to be with me…”

This is from a man I’ve nicknamed Johnny Appleseed,for obvious reasons so just wait for the details, and in the last couple of days alone, we have had some pretty intense discussions.  He clearly wants me, is ready to cancel dating accounts and as he told me Monday night, cultivate a quality relationship.  So for the love of God, why the hell am I not running into his arms and wanting to do the same?  Is it because I think he’s the rebound because Out of Sight wasn’t in the right state of mind or had something else going on where he didn’t want the same, am I on the fence now and one of those confused women who is full of shit and really doesn’t know what she wants or even better – is it that the timing is just too soon?  Granted, you would have to know the details behind any reluctance with Johnny or the others but still.

This is supposed to be the type of talk and action from a man that so many of us are waiting for. Too many questions, not enough answers.

Until there’s a cure….

Carmen Jones

Situationville

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How many of you can relate to that title?  One simple word that basically means you are involved in one of those situations that really should NOT exist.You’re dealing with a man or woman, but there is no commitment, no relationship exists.   He or she is more than a friend, but more significant than a friends with benefits.  The two of you have a real connection, strong feelings and passion. Yet still, you’re undefined and technically unattached to each other.

It’s funny how many people, especially men seem to think that a commitment is all about a title when it is so much more.  So instead of moving on to something new there are many of us that find ourselves settling (whether we call it that or something else) which leads us to these horribly confusing dwellings called  Situationville.

A good friend of mine just introduced me to the term during a discussion as I was trying to convince her not to do the one thing she doesn’t need right now – an online dating experience.  For some strange reason once we’ve ended a situation or had a particularly messy break-up, we  run to the nearest dating web site in hopes of meeting that pain killer, some poor man or woman unknowingly about to step into a pile of emotional shit.   All because we are looking for someone to “keep us busy” or “take our mind off things”.   This girlfriend has had more than her fair share of disappointing dealings with men, but this recent one?  All bad and the poor thing is crazy in love creating even more of a cluster fuck of a situation, one of the messiest love octagons (triangle doesn’t seem descriptive enough).  She knows good and damn well that her feelings are very strong, emotions raw and that the man could send one text message alluding to some hope for a change, and in a matter of minutes he would be at her doorstep.  Yet she wants to date again even with me saying “Wait a little while, make sure that it is over” until I’m blue in the face.  The first guy out the gate has already began experiencing the aftermath of unfinished business and doesn’t even know it, so for now – since he’s admitted having come from Situationville as well, they figure it’s okay for them to start dating again.

Hmm…. I’m not so sure about that but who am I to talk because although my situation with Out of Sight is nowhere near as convoluted and messy as my dear friend’s, I haven’t exactly been preparing myself to be in the best position for dating someone new either.

It’s been about two weeks since I took him out to celebrate his birthday and what can I say – the night was absolutely wonderful but then again, whenever we get together, we always have a good time.  He arrived on time, dressed impeccably and greeted me at the door bearing a grin and some beautiful flowers; how nice is that to bring something for me even though it was his special day.  A few finishing touches on my outfit and we were out the door for dinner and a little dancing.

Chemistry, we have a ton of great chemistry and it isn’t just sexual which I’m thankful for.  I mean remember there were several months of us just talking and texting before we met each other, so we have had plenty of time to get to know each other without being in each other’s presence.  Quite naturally, when we are together the physical chemistry is off the charts. Someone asked me what was so different about this one that allowed me to step outside of my boundaries for dealing with men and I couldn’t answer specifically, but there are a couple of things that come to mind.

Out of Sight is quite the charmer, and is the type of man who can converse with ease around anyone, from the dinner conversation with the adorable older couple sitting to my left sharing their tales of travel from New York to the youngsters on his right visiting L.A. from Tennessee.   I could go on and on, but while he certainly has his flaws, there are plenty of good qualities that allow me to adore him so.  I mean, have you ever been around someone whose very presence and the simple things they can do such as laughing, can turn you on like no other?

Yes, that’s him so while I resisted the urge to cross my self-imposed boundaries of “just friends” that night, the next morning it was a wrap.  There’s just something about someone waking you up by kissing you softly on your neck, slowly down your back and working their mouth all the way down, using the tongue to dance with your erogenous zones.  Morning wood meets morning wetness and it’s a perfect union.

But…. at the end of the day, nothing has changed. I’m still at a point in life where the only way thing missing is a companion and he is at a point in life where everything else seems to be needed excepta companion.  What’s the problem with my love life?  Bad timing or the wrong man. Finally, I meet a man who seems to do it for me in so many areas but he doesn’t want to invest the time and energy for anything more; at least not anytime soon or the harsh possibility that perhaps it just will not be with me.  He tells me I’m spoiled and since I can’t have things when I want and how I want, I start acting out.  Okay, whatever because it sounds like double talk or more of a diversion to me.

The bigger problem is that on Monday night, we complicated things even more.  He was pissed that his placement in the friend zone was so aloof, and so cold with minimal contact from me and felt that wasn’t something he could handle.  I was accused of treating him like shit and eventually we nearly got to the point of writing each other off.   What doesn’t he understand here because  I would be a fool to continue carrying on with him as if we were lovers getting myself all caught up in a man who tells me right now he’s rebuilding life, so he needs to be in the place he’s been given.  Soon, the tone of the conversation became one of feigned indifference and the call ended.

Less than thirty minutes later, there’s a knock on my door and we stood face to face and we again arrived at the point where he tells me that he hated being emotionally attached and could not nor would he deal with my version of “friends”, which was about to end with him walking out of the door pissed off.Instead, we talked some more and he adds to this mess by saying “I love you, I love you I love you” and I only added to this mess by saying “I love you.”

In case you’re wondering what happens next? Nothing, not a damn thing because as much as this man can tell me how he feels, I will not be put in a position of having to take him by the hand to lead him on what should happen next.  If he needs time to work on himself, that’s cool – he can take all of the time needed and may end up finding someone else in the meantime but me?  I won’t settle and will not continue to blur the lines based on my own emotional attachment because it certainly isn’t fair to anyone I may meet in the meantime.

Welcome to my Situationville until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
Myhangovers@gmail.com

A Few Pounds Too Much

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It’s always hard to let someone know there’s something major missing in the likeness department when they are really nice, because no one wants to get their feelings hurt for I’ve been trying to decide how to handle this situation with Showtime.  There hasn’t been much shared about him here since our initial meet-up and the planning of our first date but we’ve actually seen each other several times since.

There always seems to be some issue when it comes to dating, right?

For me, it’s either been the player who wants to have his cake and eat it, me and three other women too, the life changer with no job/car/place of their own or the workaholic and fortunately, only about three or four instances where physical attraction was the issue.

I’ve been enjoying getting to know Showtime, though in my mind had silently been trying to convince myself that so many things about him were doable and not necessarily deal-breakers such as the baggage (divorced with 4 children including one in college, a teenage diva headache in training and one with special needs), the distance (lives about 35 miles away), and the non-option of more kids (thanks to his snipped vas deferens).

I realized that there is no perfect situation a long time ago, but there’s always a but and I mean literally his butt and just about everything else from the neck down. I can’t even downplay the magnitude of this situation because Showtime is LARGE and is probably about 50lbs overweight.  The man is nice looking in the face and has one of those pear shapes that accentuate the stomach in all the wrong ways, and strangely enough it isn’t the top part of his body that seems to gross me out.   I’m nowhere near rocking P90X abs myself but it’s the lower part that stopped me in my tracks especially when I got a glance when walking behind him – his butt, hips and thighs are out of control!!!

Making matters even worse on the scale of unattractiveness is that he is short and in my mind and quite a few other people as well, think I could be a little more accepting of a person I’m seeing being overweight if they’re taller because it just seems to lay a little differently and clothing can be a little more forgiving if the limbs are longer to be somewhat more flattering.   Did he lie about his height on his profile? Nope, not at all- his dating specs stated he was 5’7 (which in online terms really means he’s only about 5’6 or 5’5) but once again here I was trying to step outside of the box, setting height aside. Why?  Well, a part of it is because it seems like all of the men who have to work a little harder because of their physical deficiencies are a lot more appreciative of finding a good woman and focus more on making her happy.

Forget the “it’s not all about looks” people out there because I was trying, seriously.  Short stature, huge body and ill-fitting clothing on a man just doesn’t do it for me and when I think of him I start wondering things.  Does he try to work out or eat better?  How high is his cholesterol?   Will he ever want to do a canyong hike together?  Is this the biggest he’s ever been OR if this is down a couple of pounds from something bigger?

The ultimate test of me having some type of physical attraction to a man is the desire and willingness to kiss him which is a huge turn on and after five dates, two quick “courtesy” pecks on the lips is all he’s had. Guilt is beginning to takeover me because I don’t want to string him along or continue to waste his time, so each time the conversation of when we’re getting together again has come up in the last week, I always seem to have something going on for the date he has suggested.  I really wish there was a way to tell him the main reason (though the ones listed above are certainly valid) things don’t look promising, but is there such a thing as not hurting someone’s feelings?  The issue of not being physically attracted to someone will come up again and again, so for those of us who can’t put on blinders and just like a person for who they are, it’s just a matter of preference.

Just a few of my girlfriends say that I should be looking beyond Showtime’s physical stature because weight is something you can lose, but is that right for me to continue dating someone when again, that ittle voice in the back of my mind gets going and wondering if he would skip that deep-fried meal if we go out again, lay off the beers for a while or join me in doing this 3-day detox next week.  I think not because it’s a set up anytime you go into a situation thinking you can change someone.

Do you think I’m alone with this weight thing?  Just Google “great guy but he’s too fat” or “percentage of women who won’t date an overweight man” and see how many conversations come up on this very issue.  The largest number of issues are from women who say an overweight AND short man is even worse, and there are also postings from men who say the sight of a woman with “a few extra pounds” is repulsive.  Yes, repulsive and just as I had nice things to say about this guy, there were comments from men in these situations wondering how they can improve their changes with women and avoid continued rejection from women like this guy:”I’m fat it’s not like I enjoy being fat, but every time I try to have a relationship with a girl, they tell me that “You are a really great guy, but you are just too big for me to like”.  What is it not to like?  I’m a very respectful person, I’m smart, I’m funny and I’m an artist… Is there a way for me to be more appealing?”The responses ranged from telling him he needed to lose weight to finding another large person to simply finding someone who was happy with his physical appearance the way it is, so at the end of the day he or she may not be your cup of tea, just as you may not be their cup of tea.  It’s a fact of life that needs to be accepted to save a lot of wasted time.

I recall during our first or second date I had asked Showtime what happened with women he had dated in the past and his response was: one didn’t want to deal with a man that had so many kids and refused to deal with him being unavailable every other weekend, another he said they just “didn’t click” and a third just kind of fizzled away after a couple of dates.  I wonder if the real reason those women didn’t work out is the same as mine, because I’m feeling myself needing to have the “You are a really great guy, but…” conversation just as the poor guy in one of those threads said.  Better sooner than later, right?

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Why Are You Single?

“…I can’t understand how a woman like you could be single, you are amazing…” is what Out of Sight said quite a few times earlier on during our friendship/situation and I would always jokingly reply “It’s possible because and I am truly a good catch, but  I keep meeting assholes with too much personal baggage who aren’t ready and I have to let them go”.

What I told him is so sad but  true because in nearly every instance where I meet someone and we begin the process of getting to know one another, we get derailed because of something the man is going through, he needs to work through his shit and I have over a dozen examples (men) from my past  who ended up on the chopping block because of their selfishness.  Here’s a public service announcement for these men- handle your shit, stop trying to date women when you don’t have the time, energy or money.

Ah….. money, money, money, money.  Most of the issues with men like Out of Sight that eventually leads to problems causing  dating to fall flat  has to do with money – men have to work hard and often, very long hours in demanding jobs to support a lifestyle that either needs to be downgraded or to support their obligations such as children or an ex-wife.  Rescue once told me that there isn’t anything in the world that can make a man feel better about himself  if his finances aren’t right – not a loving and  supportive woman, nothing.  So I get the workaholic thing because I’m not fond of Skittles dates, but here’s a newsflash – communication is key!  I just feel a little stupid because I was too busy making excuses for this man knowing good and damn well, I should have been taken off of a dating web site and swept off my feet the moment he met me.

In this situation, Out of Sight failed to communicate with me in the very beginning because he neglected to tell me that he really isn’t ready for anything serious, so now I was basically told over California Rolls and martini’s  to just accept that he’s poor at communicating (saying he’s been told this many times before) and to accept that his life is a big hodgepodge of sorts which may stay that way for an unspecified period of time.  Oh yes, it’s true.

Look at me up here  making excuses for him because he’s so busy with family and life when the reality of the situation has been there;  it’s just that I had to wait until Friday night for him to share with me a lot more of the intimate details of his life.

The bottom line is this – as much as a person can say they are so different from the next, they are really just like the next and he is acting like so many others who enjoy the benefits but aren’t willing to commit to the work.

I’m really bummed out because here I am wasting precious keystrokes on  yet another hangover with potential and he knows he’s is a good guy overall. In fact, he even jokingly takes the time time to remind me of his greatest selling points such as him being a great provider who was caring, affectionate and loyal and had been single for a reason because he’s just… a very busy man with a hectic life.  I can appreciate the fact that he says he really needs to focus on improving himself spiritually, being a better father, son and a better person overall.  While he certainly expressed how much he cares for me that all seemed to be go out the window like a bucket of hot piss when he actually admitted that he wasn’t in a place right now to be decent relationship material because he said he’s “stretched so thin”.

Umm… really? NOW you tell me?!!

What does stretched thin mean, and what has changed since the time we first began communicating?  Stretched thin because everyone from his father, daughter and whoever else in between needed him and relied on him (whether unintentional or not) for some type of support. Adding to this “about my issues” moment was how his work situation isn’t what he thought it would be, and equally as bad are his temporary living quarters. Out of Sight started rambling on and in the end, I realized I was being asked to accept him how he is and no more, at least not now.

Liquor is really like a truth serum or perhaps Out of Sight was feeling  really comfortable and wanted to be candid with me, because he suddenly launches into an all out I-need-time-for-me spill about how he needs to have  time for himself, just being able to relax and not hear the nagging from a woman to do this or that when he’s getting off work, and how sometimes in the past he would be so tired from work that sex would be out of the question.  It’s funny how relieved he seemed to be telling me all of these REAL reasons why he hadn’t made any moves to seal the deal, encouraging me to keep dating and it’s also funny how he didn’t realize that my mood had gone from the happy woman in the presence of a great guy to one of those finger to temple,  this is some bullshit type of blank  stare in a matter of minutes.   Surely this fool didn’t think I was just going to sit there and take it all in without calling him out on what I believed he was really about, did he?

“You don’t really want to be in a relationship because you’re spilling off at the mouth all of the things  you despised about being with your ex-wife and other women before me.  If you do want a relationship, it would be one out of convenience when you wanted a snuggle buddy when getting off late from work, or happened to have some free time.  I really appreciate you telling me all of this because now I know what I’m dealing with;  my ex had a lot of personal shit he was dealing with that ultimately affected our relationship but he didn’t man up and just say he didn’t want anything serious out of selfishness, he didn’t want to lose me.”

He denied, denied, denied some more then denied all that I had said and even tried to make light of the situation by chuckling then saying that wasn’t the case, that he wanted something more.  Unless I’m borderline retarded, I understood what he was saying loud and clear – he doesn’t want anything right now and things are cool with the two of us but this isn’t really going anywhere anytime soon.  So here’s what I surmise of this situation – One, he was  unsure if my character was true  and was worried that I would change like all of the other women from his past, and start acting like an affection-starved lunatic or two, he had no intentions of pursuing anything further because he wants to be “free” and able to do what he pleases.

Like I said, he wanted something in  theory but his own shit and true desire to have things the way he wants them are two obstacles for us.  So as of this afternoon, I had to tell him simply that the Carmen who thinks she’s working towards a possible relationship with someone she’s been involved with for several months now is going to be completely different than the Carmen who knows there’s no future with that same person based on the slip ups and actions in the last couple of weeks, but especially based on his I’m-single-by-choice manifesto.  I would be a damn fool to continue carrying on with him the way I have and getting more and more caught up, entangled in a web of emotions.

Interestingly enough is the disparity in opinions on how to handle this type of situation – do you hang in there and just continue with your dating habits as normal OR say no more and pull the plug?  Single women seem to be a lot more tolerant of these types of situations and feel it’s worth a shot because in a couple of months once the dust settles, things may calm down and he’ll be ready for what I want.  Women who are or have been married?  They say hell no, he’s playing games and needs to go.

Not that I enjoy quoting Steve Harvey but he did say something that resonates in my mind quite often – if a man really wants you, there isn’t anything he won’t do to let you know and to work hard at getting and keeping you.

I’m going to have to roll with my own thought in the matter which are in line with the married women.  He should have taken the opportunity to tell me before we created the patterns of speaking on a regular basis, sharing intimate details, desires and dreams.  Instead, I’m hoping he’s thinking back to the last time he asked me why was I single.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

 

Return to Sender?

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The man I have been getting to know while he planned a major life changing move back to Southern California has arrived and he made sure I was on the list of things to do the same day his plane touched down.  Sunday afternoon seemed to make all of the waiting and anticipation worth it, and thankfully that same chemistry and good-feeling vibes experienced over the telephone these last couple of months seemed worth it.

After over 10-years of being gone, being married and starting a family in the mid-west, Out of Sight is a resident once again. Yet just like that item  you recently purchased where you’re not so sure it is what you wanted or will work out, you make sure that packaging and receipt isn’t thrown away in case it needs to be returned.  This is exactly how I’m feeling about him and while these thoughts may not be new my concerns about him giving up so much more to move than, last night’s conversation renewed these thoughts and confirmed my reasoning for having them.

Out of Sight is a flight risk.

Sadly, I went to bed with thoughts of disappointment and  woke up this morning thinking the same thing, then began asking myself if I should just stop so much of the interaction now, cut my losses and spare my feelings or stop over-thinking and not deviate from my behaviors and just relax.  Last night’s conversation that started with me asking “How was your first full working day?” and his long-winded bitch fest is what has me doing a 360 degree turnaround and just as I was annoyed hearing him say if things got too bad and didn’t work out, he could always go back home BEFORE he moved here, I sure as hell don’t like hearing it AFTER he moved.

I can certainly understand the dynamics of this type of situation – major move, new location you haven’t lived in since your early 20’s, uncertainty and making sure everything back home continues to be taken care of.  I get all of the trepidation, really I do.  I understand his frustration that the home of the relative he’s staying with wasn’t prepared the way they told him it would be, and how there’s nothing like having your own space. Out of Sight isn’t happy with the living arrangements and has been on a non-stop mission to find his own place to live immediately, especially now that he’s been familiarizing himself with the areas near his job.  This brings me to his next issue – the job.  It’s only been three days but so far, he’s not feeling it at all.

The negotiated pay he was told was finalized has not been finalized and the operations of the organization seem poorly managed. Can you say unhappy, frustrated, skeptical, scared, regretful and reluctant in the same sentence? If the main driver for making the move here was based on the potential of a rewarding career and a very good salary doesn’t seem to be panning out and you have no other motivations (aside from maybe the fast-paced lifestyle and a climate no like other) or incentives such as a home of your own, children or family to stay, why would you stay?

I totally get where’s he’s coming from and while it’s still too early to say how this will all pan out, I can only reinforce my feelings all along that he may have been a little too hasty in making the move without thinking or planning in greater detail. Hence my thoughts about him being a flight risk, so here’s what I’m going to do – back off.  Way off. I’ve been through the man-in-transition game before with Rescue and that experience was pretty rough.  These men need to work out their issues and readjustments to new situations because at the end of the day, these are THEIR issues.

It just seems that I can’t catch a break, there’s always something and while this isn’t even a dating hangover in the sense that we’ve not had enough face time to be considered as dating, it is situations like this that keep me where I am. Having to explain far too often why I’m single.As cliché as it may be, I’ll keep rolling with the mantra of waiting to see what happens and in the meantime, I think the friend category will suit me just fine instead and I dare someone to tell me I’m wrong for thinking this way.  Double dog dare you.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering about the potential back-up plan with Island Boy?  I haven’t heard from him since Friday night when I shut-down his booty call hour request to come over to my place.  That wasn’t the first time he tried inviting himself over, but you have to know that a “Can I come and see you?” text at 11:30pm isn’t a plan to bake some chocolate chip cookies.  Uh…. Next!

So there you have it, my dating hangovers.  Men are really like a brand new pair of shoes ordered from the Internet that you haven’t tried on.  The packaging and receipts sure as hell better be put in a safe place because you never know if you have to return them to the sender.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

Enron

 

As of a few moments ago, I just canceled my second date with Enron only he doesn’t know it yet. You’ll notice that this post doesn’t have a title because hell, I’m a little conflicted on what it should be.

While I always said the direct approach is the best way of letting someone know you’re not interested, I may have to do a gradual phase out of this one.

Let me just say that Enron is an amazingly interesting man. He had my mind enthralled with his initial message to me, and after the second reply something struck me that said “These words are too good to be true”. I have said time and time again how the words that a man writes or the ones that come out of his mouth are highly regarded. If he appears to be nice looking online and is the same in person, I am smitten.

Within a few hours, Enron and I were speaking on the phone covering everything a variety of topics, and you know how easy it is to get hooked when the first conversation goes really well. You know what I mean? When there is none of that uncomfortable silence, awkward moments if someone talks about something in the red zone, or has one of those lifeless demeanors?

Here’s the skinny on Enron:

– 28 years old, 5’9, very nice looking profile photos and an amazing “About Me” section, highly intelligent, well traveled and cultured. He attended UC Berkley for a while so yes, he’s fifty shades of fucked up!

Don’t judge me on the age. Since I’m not yet 40 years-old, I would be considered a bobcat and not a cougar.

– Divorced, 1 child, owns and operates 3 businesses, only child, adopted, mother died when he was very young, estranged relationship from adopted father. Admitted to me yesterday that as I had suspected, he has abandonment issues.

I’m getting ahead of myself, let me go back a bit.

So we clicked (yeah, don’t the majority of them in the beginning). Our discussion covered everything from funny profiles, being raised in Beverly Hills THEN South Central LA, traffic, human weaving hair, aftermarket auto performance parts, a possible move to France, and pirating software.

Oh yes, you read those last two right and the move to France is a direct correlation to the software hustle.

While I certainly appreciate his candidness with me, I ended that conversation going to bed like “Hell to the god damn no!!!!”. But I’ll be damn if I didn’t talk to him the next day and the day after that, while I was on vacation, when I returned and went on our first date on Monday.

Why? I really can’t offer a real explanation but one reason for me continuing to deal with him after his “I now have a felony for…” I was kind of impressed with Enron’s level of intelligence. He’s basically a computer nerd but has a survival instinct that is out of this world. The man could sell ice in hell, so even though he has two legitimate businesses, he would always have a back up plan should things run dry.

We both agreed that the majority of the planet would be clueless on how to make money if they lost their jobs, simply because they are complacent and comfortable with the paycheck.

Another reason why I kept talking to him, aside from him saying all of the things a woman could possibly want to hear is sheer curiosity.

I have never been involved with someone who had that type of past, or at least I didn’t know about it. Yes, there have been the men who might have done a few months over something stupid from their teenage years, unpaid tickets and the like but the type of stuff he did?

I can’t recall exactly what so it likely involved a computer, but he was court marshaled while serving in the navy in San Diego. Hmm, I wonder if he and Special Agent met? The recent episode was near Christmas when he became Microsoft’s most wanted, which landed him in the pokey for 2 weeks, restitution and a shitload of community service.

A possible third reason- blog material or maybe the mind set that people make mistakes. I really can’t say, but I think I’ve been giving him a pass because he got caught doing things most people do everyday. So yes, Enron is smart but obviously not smart enough NOT to get caught or not smart enough to just be on the up and up. Hasn’t anyone learned from the other white collar criminals who have been caught?

There is so much to say about this hangover and that day as we enjoyed a delectable Italian lunch, I was actually able to learn some valuable investment tips and so much more. Yet, over the last couple of days my “to hell with this” mentality kicked back in.

So while lounging at the pool today, sharing the details with my friend Kimora, I realized this isn’t going any further for the following reasons:

1. He’s a felon. I’m not judging and yes, mistakes happen but who’s to say he won’t continue his alternatives to supplement his income?

2. He’s too damn smart. I don’t think I could ever trust him. I would either be worried about him hacking into my pc or something crazy like re-routing my direct deposit or something.

3. He’s damaged goods. Not only is his background eerily similar to Full Metal Jacket’s (I know I have mentioned this name a few times and promise, HIS story is coming soon). My book will delve into my theory of how men who lost their mothers early OR never got over their loss later in life OR are estranged from the woman who birthed them, are seriously messed up.

4. He is too needy and would not only be up under me at every waking moment, he will surely have moments of solemness and loneliness when he can’t see me.

As much as I want to meet and settle down with the right one, it will NOT be at any cost.

So…. With all of the above being said, perhaps you’ll understand why I couldn’t come up with a better title. Here are a few ideas that crossed my mind:

“She Dated a Felon”
“At Least It Wasn’t Drugs”
“The Needy Criminal”
“Abandonment Issues & Men”
“Men With Fucked Up Lives”
“This Is Why I’m Single”

I don’t get it. I had a man like Brooklyn who rely had his shit together and was really good on paper. Yet he was unattractive and came on way too strong and became needy and smothering before we even met. Several text messages a day about how badly he needed to meet and be with me is just too much.

I meet a man like Enron who is good on paper as long as you don’t do a fingerprint or background check, but was very honest and upfront about his past. We met once and he was hooked, and hasn’t even sniffed my vagina. Planning “our future” with his step-child and “our” child within 2 weeks of meeting. Several text messages a day about how badly he needs to see me, or about how he misses me and again, is just too much.

Where is the balance? It has to exist, it just has to.

Meanwhile I have Rescue calling and texting two days away, taunting me with visions of his tongue attacking my clitoris but fortunately, I was strong enough to decline.

Maybe being alone isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
Myhangovers@gmail.com

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