Last week’s date marked the first time I’ve gone out with a non-black man and while one “quick” meet up will never allow me to claim an interracial dating experience, at least I was open coerced enough to have tried it.

During that excruciating hour and eleven minutes with the hangover I’ll call Guido, a few things became perfectly clear to me:  (1) nearly every man lies about at least one thing on his dating profile, (2) broken English and improper verb tense isn’t something I’ll ever be able to stomach, and (3) being told how beautiful I am repeatedly in one sitting is a little creepy.

That being said, to say that I was turned off by Guido is an understatement and while he was planning on making the night last even longer by moving from drinks to dinner, I politely declined saying I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling like it hadn’t been fed in weeks.  The second and third realizations can certainly be annoying, but it’s that first one that kills me about men just like Guido who lie, lie, lie when it comes to their profiles and according to scientific research, 81% of the people out there are lying about something. 

Height, age and weight tend to be areas where the deception is the highest.

While Guido still looked a little bit like the profile photos posted he was just a shorter, bigger and more ethnic version of himself in real life.  Obviously I’m not very good at hiding my reaction to this actual version because he asked me why I seemed to flinch when he walked into the restaurant where we met. 

It wasn’t really a flinch but more like me silently asking who the fuck is this when seeing he was about 5’7 (profile said 5’11), chubby with stubby fingers wearing a jacket his body was screaming to get out of (profile said “athletic”) and while it didn’t matter either way, appeared to look more Latino (profile said mixed race). 

Of course if he’s going to ask what I thought about his appearance, I’m going to explain how different he looks and do you know this fat bastard even had the nerve to joke about the height discrepancy by saying “I’m not wearing my heels today” before quickly changing the subject. 

After he began the lengthy sales presentation about himself, I soon learned a few other things he lied about in his profile including his profession and ethnicity. 

Guido isn’t really in executive management but is a financial analyst who probably thinks he’s the big cheese because of the travel perks he received and pimps out to the ladies.  Also, when asking if his family still lived in Puerto Rico since he’s always traveling there (must have forgot he told me that’s where he’s from) I was confused when he shook his head like I said something offensive, before replying that he was from Chile.   This little tidbit explained realization number two.

Once again, there’s another fraud in my presence who ironically,  complained about having met WOMEN who weren’t what they depicted in their profiles.   I guess he decided to pay it forward thinking there was nothing wrong with little white lies.

Dating in general is already pretentious and risky enough without having to worry about the “little things” people aren’t truthful about either directly or indirectly.  Here’s the thing about lying when it comes to your appearance – unless you’re able to make some miraculous physical transformation before we meet all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure, while eliminating yourself from ever having a chance at a second date.

Someone needs to tell these ass clowns to just be up front so they can stop wasting precious time, energy and gas.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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