The Lies Women Tell

A few weeks ago was my 5 year singleversary.  It’s been THAT long since my last relationship means one of two things: I’m just holding out for the right man OR there’s something really wrong with me.

I’d rather go with that first possibility.

Yet sometimes I wonder if my status is by design for a little while longer, because I sure as hell can’t see myself settling like so many others.

It’s just so hard dating nowadays  and when it comes to the competition and lack of available men, I think of ways to make myself stand out more from the crowd.

So when it comes to the dating buffet known as online dating, some of us women try getting creative with our profiles. You know, dressing them up a bit and for some, lying our asses off just to attract the type of man we’re after.

Luckily, I’ve still got a few ounces of dignity and ethics left and have yet to be dishonest with my photos or anything on my dating profile.  But other women?

Not so much.

To read about some of the most common things women are lying about on their profiles, check out my guest post on Digital Romance– one of the best resources for some of the best advice for dating and relationships.

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/dating-profiles-4-lies-women-tell/

I Can Work with Men

  • The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.

My last date from a few months ago really had it together.

He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.

That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him.  But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.

Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.

He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”.  By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.

“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.

When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.

Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her.  She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.

In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation.  He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds?  Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…

So how did our first meet-up go?

For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.

Impessions-Quotes.001Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point.  Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion.  They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.

47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.

Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up:  late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.

This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.

I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself.  Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When He Shows the First Sign of Crazy

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time” – Maya Angelou

It’s just after 6am and I just ended a telephone call by telling two bold-faced lies to the man on the other end.

The first lie was that I was entering underground parking (with not a structure in sight) and would be losing reception and the second lie was that I would call him right back.

After about a minute of listening to the venom spewing from his mouth, I was beginning to wonder if this dude was a loose cannon, and for the remaining nine minutes on the phone with him, my suspicions were confirmed.  I would be deleting this nut job immediately so please – allow me to introduce Jaded Jack (“JJ”).

I met JJ a few days ago while hanging out with a few friends and while he wasn’t much of a looker, he was decent and came equipped with a nice set of teeth, sense of humor and his casual banter was entertaining.

Since we exchanged numbers in passing, we really didn’t have time to get beyond the basics such as names, age and status.  It was just in your face, this is who I am and if you think you might like me, let’s take a chance kind of dealings and boy, did that “chance” end up being more like a risk.

See, this is what I miss about online dating.  A lot of what we learn from someone’s profile and those pre-screening messages such as career, schedules, children etc… may not necessarily be obtained at the time of meeting.

Someone like me needs to know a few details about someone I may end up dating but you can’t really fire off tons of questions when you meet a person without coming off as putting them through some kind of inquisition.

Then again, online dating isn’t foolproof either because looking back at the hangovers of the past that I did encounter online then meet doesn’t exactly scream “Winning!” either, huh?  I guess this just means that meeting compatible and decent people or dating really is like playing a game of craps and JJ was the snake eyes rolled with wobbly dice.

Now… About this morning’s first conversation (post meeting) which went just like this:

Yeah, I just finished my push-ups and am normally up around 4 or 5am when I was working.  I was laid off from Pepsi-Cola and was doing a stint with the school district, but I’m better than cleaning up classrooms and stuff like that.

In fact, I’ve got a meeting with the union this afternoon to try getting my job back.  So now because this punk ass coworker came at me sideways and we got into a heated verbal altercation I’m out of a job…”

“People keep telling me I need to just bite my tongue but that just isn’t me.  See, this is why I’m not looking for anything right now – not a relationship.  Nothing.

I’m just looking for a cool friend until I can get myself situated and everything worked out right.  I need someone who doesn’t want to fight and argue every day, because I just went to hell and back these past two years in my last relationship. I’m a bit jaded but I’m not looking to be with anyone right now.

The woman I was with took me to a different place and would always accuse me of cheating, said I was still sleeping with the mothers of all my kids (yes plural and no, I didn’t care to ask how many) but then would remind me how fine she was and how she could have any man she wants.  I know I’m not the finest man in the world or the tallest, but when a woman sees what is between my legs, SHE will be blessed…..”

Ninja what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?

In case you’re wondering, here’s what I said to prompt this type of reaction: “Hey, you’re up early this morning.  How’s the day starting out?”

That’s all.

He went from zero to 100 real quick acting as if he had lost his flipping mind. I don’t even remember him having taken a breath in between his rant nor did he notice that I was completely silent on the other end, eyes bucked wide open and jaws gaped as I took in everything he was telling me.

As I’m approaching my office, all I could envision were his blood vessels on the brink of exploding and him foaming at the mouth while he went on another tangent about his two-year emotionally and physically abusive, confrontational and destructive relationship with a ghetto Bonquisha.  His words, not mine.

Aside from simply hanging up, how the hell do you react to someone like this? Now that I think about it, there were probably two things I was able to fit in which included “Wow, it took you TWO years to figure out all of these things about her” and something like “People shouldn’t ignore the warning signs” but that’s really about all because clearly – this conversation was about him and him alone.

Finally, he decides to takes a breather and this was my chance to tell him my two lies.

I’m thankful JJ revealed so much about himself and did so right away.  He’s right about needing nothing in the form of dating or a relationship right now and to be honest, he doesn’t even need a new friend or casual acquaintance and most certainly it won’t be me.  This man reminded me so much of the explosive Bullet and really needs a therapist and some anger management training, not a new female friend who’s only going to be used as his personal punching bag.

I will never understand how so many men and women plagued with personal problems and drama believe they’re in the best position to meet someone new, even if for nothing more than friendship.

Please believe that most of us aren’t looking for the perfection in a person that doesn’t exist, but you sure as hell better have your life together and your attitude in check.

No thanks JJ, I’m so good on your wonderful offerings of friendship and “blessings”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

5 Things Your Single Friends Don’t Want to Hear on Valentine’s Day

 

fat cherub

Overpriced Hallmark cards, cutesy cuddly teddy bears, fat cherubs, tons of flowers and far too many commercials for that special engagement ring means it’s that time of year again. Talk about sensory overload from all of these things even before the public displays of affection kick in and guess what? Single folks are normally pretty cool with those of you in love, wanting to showcase this moment. We’re happy for you and hope that you all of this and then some BUT there’s just one thing – we wished you would stop sharing so many details.

We don’t want to hear it.

For some, this single awareness day is pretty touch and they’ll do everything to either avoid public places altogether or front like life is grand and make sure they’re everywhere the couples are to show it’s okay if they’re flying solo.   Those of you in lover wonderland just need to know that we aren’t concerned about your plans for the day, we don’t care to hear about how beautiful those corner lot flowers you received, we don’t need to know that he broke the bank taking you out to dinner, and we sure as hell don’t want to know the intricate details of your late night trysts afterwards.  More than likely, we’ll end up seeing everything on your Facebook or Instagram page anyway once we notice that you probably get more “likes” or comments than any post ever before.

Still, even if singles were to stomach all of the details we don’t care to know about the worst thing you can do is to ask us stupid ass questions or make statements you think are making us feel better when in reality, your good intentions only makes us want to kick you in the face.

So if none of your friends have ever mustered up the courage to have told you this before, I’m telling you now. Here are five things single people aren’t interested in hearing and especially on Valentine’s Day.

I hope you’ve got your pencils ready and here we go!

 

#1 Asking what we have planned for the day

deviantart.com vday1

 If I knew you were in the 12-step program, how stupid would I look asking if you wanted to go out for drinks, so think carefully before go there.  Assuming we’re pretty good friends, there shouldn’t be any reason for you to ask and you can best believe that your single friends would have mentioned or hinted at some king of event or outing.  For some of you, you may only be asking about our plans as a lead in to your own plans so whichever the case, don’t do it and just wait for us to clue you in on anything whether it’s nice dinner or a long walk on the beach with our dogs.  We’ll let  you know.

#2 –  Rubbing in #1 by asking if we have a special someone

tedxconcordiauportland mystery man

I have one friend who’s the worst offender by asking if there’s some hot guy I’m hooking up with and every time I’m like “Yes, I’ll be with your boyfriend for the night” in my mind.  Just the same as asking a single person if they have  any special plans on V-Day,  you should know that you would have been told by now if we wanted you to know especially with women.  Girlfriends are always good for sending a text or maybe even a photograph of some hottie we plan on getting it in with.  Take a moment to think about this and ask yourself if your friend has mentioned ANYTHING to you recently about someone new or an old flame and more than likely the answer is no so don’t go here either.

 #3 – Suggesting speed dating or singles mixers

speed dating Bless your hearts and good intentions but suggesting speed dating to us is the equivalent of suggesting online dating any other time and again, you mean well but this isn’t helping.  What makes  you think we’re not already the bulls eye of every marketing event known to man for different singles excursions?  From the dating mixers to the comedy clubs to restaurants catering to groups of men and women, we already know so thanks for this little tip but consider we may be just as content with doing something with little fan fare or maybe even nothing at all.

 #4 – Saying we’ll meet someone when least expected

askgratitude.com least expect it

 Remember what I said earlier about wanting to kick you in the face? If nothing else, this statement is the worst thing you can say to a single person and is the one of the most cliché lines ever. It’s the equivalent of telling someone who died that a loved one is in a better place. You’re stating what may be the obvious but it doesn’t make anyone feel wonderful hearing it and especially not on Valentine’s Day so just cut it out.

What’s worse is that many of you not only say this but will offer up some story about how you were online and “not looking” and ended up with a good catch or how some chance meeting at the coffee shop led you to your soul mate. All very touching stories but just allow us continue to expect the unexpected on our own.

#5 – Downplaying it all

imagineinghappenings.wordpress vday sucks

 Your relationship is either on shaky grounds or your marriage really sucks so okay, we get that this day may not mean anything to you because your significant other is likely just going through the motions. Oh well, that’s you boo so stop trying to downplay the whole single status on this day as being just another day. How about allowing us to make our own interpretations of the day and any desire to be in a relationship is just that – our desire. The negative twist you’re putting on this day could also be your way of trying to soften the blow some singles feel when there’s no one to celebrate with but again, the commentary isn’t needed.

So there you have it, what single people don’t want to hear.  Now you love birds have a wonderful weekend, enjoying all that the significant other thought to give or do for you but member,  if we’re interested in hearing the details of how things went, we will ask you.

 

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Ignoring the Limpness

It’s late at night and the two of you either made plans for a happy ending or figured a hot and steamy make out session is what a 2am visit would eventually lead to.

An intense round of tongue wrestling ensues and next thing you know, any clothing you were wearing has been strewn throughout the room.

The kissing and touching gets pretty intense, nipples and other body parts are now out and ready for some action but there’s just one small problem – the man’s penis isn’t cooperating and not willing to participate in the fun.

This just happened to me last night and I’ll be damned if I start my new year off with yet another dysfunctional penis.  Remember my last experience with the two minute man who swore the type of alcohol he drank caused his premature happy ending?

What the hell is going on with these men and why are they putting themselves in situations knowing there’s a possibility they won’t be able to follow through on the foreplay?

Fortunately, these are experiences with men I’ve not dated regularly and thank goodness, am not in a relationship with because I hear far too many stories about these broken penises.

Friends who adore their boyfriends and love their husbands complain all of the time about how the sex is just unbearable because his morning wood is more like stale string cheese or his inability to get beyond 5 struggle pumps.

Too drunk, medications, too tired, nervousness or any other reasons that may exist, you (men) will be embarrassed and we (women) will be pissed, so I’m really curious about the best way to handle this.

Are we supposed to gently tap little Willy on the head and murmur “There, there… it’s okay” or try to ignore the elephant in the room.

What say you?

Until there’s a cure (for dating hangovers and penis problems)…

Carmen Jones

The Come Back Charlie’s

Hangovers aren’t really feelings you ever want to return but every now and then,  I just might entertain the idea of being entertained.  It’s been several years since I’ve been seen the one called The Black Russian,  but we have both been in and out of the online dating scene so we have chatted briefly a time or two.

Yesterday he decided to reach out via telephone and before I share the how his life has been since we met, here’s a little throwback post to reintroduce or introduce him to you.  If you want to read about how that first encounter ended, click here.

And now on to The Date with The Black Russian, Part 1…

Screenshot_2014-12-10-12-00-40-1

(REPOST)

Okay, do you want the short version or the tale with all the goodies because Friday night’s date with the one I’ll call “Black Russian” ended with a few laughs, moans, a few groans and quite possibly a few tears.  In fact, this  guy’s name should really be “Almost 10” or “Ovary Killer” and by the end of this post, you’ll understand what I mean.  It is not my intent to be a writer of erotica but hey, the purpose of the blog is to share my experiences so boys and girls, here we go!

                                                                                    The Guy  

A few details about my latest hangover candidate include the obvious – this amalgamated specimen is the product of a black father (the black man  is always tapping into other oceans) and a Russian orthodox mother.   I joked with him that he was the first his kind for me and was the first person I was meeting off of Plenty of Fish this second time around.

Yeah, I know I said I’d given up online dating months ago but I really just signed up for this service with no intention of meeting anyone.  Honestly, most dating sights are pure comic relief with the photos and profiles alone, but I signed up to get articles and thread posts for blog material.  Anyway, back to our guy.  He’s quite handsome, towering over me with 6’4, thin to medium build frame, with beautiful teeth and has a complexion of a latte with two tablespoons of cream. I hate hate hate having a type and as much as I try to escape from it,  he was my typical looking guy.

                                                                              Setting the Date  After a few phone conversations and texting, Black Russian finally said how it would be cool if we finally met up so we agreed on Friday; the destination was up in the air.  Now let me say this – I normally like a guy to do all of the planning and just give me an idea on what attire I should consider, I like to be surprised but understanding that has probably backfired a time or two, I was okay that we didn’t have a “where to” set in stone.  The plan was to meet up at his house, though I made it clear I would wait for him OUTSIDE his place and we’ve go from there.

                                                                                 The Meeting   

Hooray!!!! He looks like his profile and the follow up picture and not like a ninja turtle and yay!!! He wasn’t dressed like he was going to shoot pool with the homeboys (remember Ghetto 2Pac?).  Dressed in a date-appropriate outfit consisting of a dark v-neck, jacket, jeans and black shoes and smelling great he drove us to our destination for dinner and drinks.  Black Russian’s a nice guy, converses well and has manners so I enjoyed our time out.  Fireworks, moments of WOW and thoughts of this might be a connection?  No, I didn’t feel any real chemistry and it was likely mutual so if anything, we both had probably figured we could become friends at best.  The night was going well until we did the unthinkable on a first date – started talking about sex.

Sometimes you meet a person and you have absolutely nothing in common.  Sometimes you have many things in common but you just don’t like the person.  Sometimes you are so-so, nothing that knocks your socks off about the person and you make do. Sometimes you meet a person and find you are on the EXACT SAME PAGE, especially when it comes to something you both really enjoy.  Sex.

                                                                           Bragada & Carmen  

Alright, so dinner and a few drinks combined with talks about past relationships, what worked and what didn’t.  Does size matter, conversations you should not have after sex, crazy women and all that good first date stuff is how we closed out dinner.   Once I’d mentioned the inadequate size of an ex’s tool, Black Russian seemed shocked that a woman could tolerate such a small, pitiful, disappointing piece of—  okay, I digressed.  Anyway, he asks me with the grin of a Cheshire cat “8+inches enough for you?”

Needless to say, while waiting for our pitifully sorry waiter to come with the check I don’t think either of us was ready for the night to end.  I know this is really an invitation to get some booty, but when he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place and “chill” for a bit over some drinks, I really didn’t care.  I did not PLAN on things happening the way they did, but after the vodka (what else would a Russian drink!) and cranberry, small talk about friends and living space, reminiscing over old slow jams we loved and agreeing that a Prince concert is a must see, as we sat on the sofa he went in for the kill.  My neck.

Ladies, I don’t know how many erogenous zones you may have but you know that one really gets you going and for me, it’s my neck.  It seems like it is the most sensitive area at times, because I’m extremely ticklish in one way but the right touch, kiss or lick sends me well – not laughing, that’s for sure.  So the kiss on the neck goes to the cheek, to the lips and oh, the lips.  Soft, succulent, moist, full, powerful.  Black Russian had made this comment about his mouth days ago when I asked him if his bong and cannabis hobby left him with dry, chaffed lips.  Not only did he fire off an adjective laden reply, he topped it off by telling me those same lips could elicit orgasm after orgasm.  How’s that for a little pre-meeting foreplay?

So after a really intense necking, kissing, nipple sucking & breast massaging session he comes at me with what is probably the cheesiest line EVER – “Come on, I want you to see how soft my bed is”.

Really?  We just this heated you’re-making-me-moist grinding session and that’s the best line to get me in your room?  Well I’m sorry, you must think I’m the most naïve, just got off the turnip truck type of girl you can say anything to because…. Because… It worked!  LOL!!!!

Through the black curtains and to the bedroom we go and shortly after I met Bragada.  Slow down pervs, not another woman or anything but the bed – this guy wasn’t kidding because this memory foam with a dash of heaven was the most comfortable bed I’ve ever laid my body on.  We lay there talking and laughing about me now being a believer when suddenly he says he wanted to show me what else was the softest.

Enter the “Hey, what are you doing” as he pulls quickly manipulates through the belt loops and zipper of my jeans, followed by the “oh no, you’re not doing that” as he’s telling me exactly how he’s going to get multiple orgasms out of me ending with the inaudible “Oh my GOD” and some other things I said that I simply cannot remember.

The Black Russian delivered.  Orgasm after orgasm, back to back.  Knee shaking, spine tingling.  Damn, and this is after just the first date?  I felt weak, pleaded for him to give me a break but he was relentless.  So of course, you know what happens next…..

To be continued…

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Anna Mae, Eat the Cake!

cake

This post is dedicated to any woman who thought she was being too picky, said no too quickly or even said these dreaded “may as well” when going out with someone she should have ignored and deleted.   It’s going to be a long one, so grab your coffee and take a seat.

On the surface, this one hangover seemed like a pretty decent catch.  He’s educated, is a homeowner,  and has been pretty successful in a career as a social worker for over ten years.  The bonus was that he decided not to operate as if he was a sperm bank and only had one child of wedlock.  The man mentioned something about having goals, travel plans, and  more and if I played my cards right, likely would have wined and dined me, sparing no expense.  There is hope after all if what I told myself.  Yet at the same time, I believe this same man would have BEAT the living daylights out of me if I told a joke that he didn’t find funny, wore something he disliked, refused to pop a woman in the head with a bottle and most certainly, I  would have been strangled if I dare question anything about his manhood.  In all of my dating experiences, I don’t think I have ever, ever, ever witnessed a person showing their raging maniac temper on a date (the first date, no less) and showing NO remorse.  Not ever.

In fact, towards the end of the Nightmare in Temecula he’s telling me how well the date went, adding that the two of us would make a power couple.  He had his ego so far up his ass that he hadn’t noticed my angst.  While his visions of us running through the lilies hand in hand,  I had visions of him slapping the hell out of me, sending me flying over the hood of my car.   It was painfully obvious that he was talking about a different date, night and person.  Allow me to introduce what I have managed to dodge, a man named Bullet.  Although he wasn’t necessarily desirable in terms of location living in the Inland Empire but just as I explained above – he had his shit together.  Just like the others who graduated from in-box chats to the number exchange, Bullet did all of the right things in the beginning and opened up the lines of communication with catchy, well written messages showing just the right amount of interest that weren’t too desperate and soon after he messaged,  we graduated to step 3 of the online dating game,   the telephone conversation.

You might be wondering if he was really good looking and the answer is no, even though he bragged about people saying he looked like Edris Elba. Maybe at night, after a drink or two and a missing contact lens.  Not horrible, but decent enough and so it began but about thirty minutes into the conversation,  I started learning about the type of guy he really was and man- why or why do we always ignore that first instinct?  Likely because the person we’re picking up the bad vibe from is good at running game and will tell you “it was just a joke” or “don’t be so serious”, making you feel like there’s just a big misunderstanding.  First conversations usually include topics such as asking what a person does for a living, length of single hood, favorite sports team or when the first meeting will be, right? Ours had a few others that I wasn’t really used to but I took them for what they were worth, immediately being made aware of Bullet’s “intense phobia of fat women”.  He asked no less than five times if the person in my photos were really me, and added his last couple of dates ended in disaster when he met women who were “two cheeseburgers from floating” or “wheezed when wobbling.”  He’s serious about weight which is cool, I feel the same about teeth.

It’s true when they say you can take a person out of the ghetto but you can’t take the ghetto out of a person.  This guy is proud about living in Temecula, but at times would say things as if he was on 54th and Vernon in South Central LA.  So out of curiosity I asked where he was originally from and when he replied “Why, I sound like I’m from somewhere other than out here” I knew he was a hood transplant.   Before I could say anything else he suddenly started yelling “No,  you greedy ass now get the hell out of here!”.  Seconds later, he calmly returns to the discussion as if nothing had ever happened.  Bullet seemed to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds flat but I brushed of that incident as annoyance after a long day.

So on to the second instance of his questionable behavior which happens to be Saturday, and an early morning talk between the two of us goes pretty well. Bullet was in a pretty jovial mood and commented how much he really wanted to meet me and he just knew we would hit it off. There WERE quite a few things we had in common, so it was a no brainer when he asked if I wanted to go to a comedy show later that night.  But then things got interesting when we chatted about the meet up.  Control freak.

The plan was for Bullet to contact me later that afternoon to solidify the plans, but instead  I didn’t hear back from him until about 7:30pm.  Sure, I could have called Bullet earlier to see what was up, but if someone tells you they’ll be busy working, it is to be understood that they’ll be busy working.  With that in mind, getting a phone call at that time and confirming plans at 8pm for a show that starts at 10pm, factoring in a 50 minute drive was cutting it close.  When I commented to him that I may be a little late he quickly replied “Late? Why would you be late?  It takes you that long to get ready or do you drive that slow?” There was a bit of silence at first and I quickly fired back “No smart ass, neither but I’m not sure what part of the area you think I live in, but I’m closer to the beach”.  Bullet starts laughing and says “Damn baby, I’m just joking – stop being so serious.  Do what you need to do, text me as soon as you leave the house and I’ll see you in a bit.”

You can be completely turned off by how someone behaves in public.  I’m sure I broke the speed limits to get there on time but I made it only to meet up with this man who walked up to me like he was 6’5, with tons of muscles and balls the size of door knobs.  He’s smoothing his hair down and starts licking his lips like I was the two-piece special from KFC.  Really dude? Not only was his thirsty behavior killing me I was pissed that his photo “enhancements” were more on the side of deceiving. He did NOT have an average build (weighed no more than 110 wet), he was not 5’10 (probably 5’7),  and those lips did NOT look so succulent (more like tar in color).  Bullet wasn’t a Critter, but  went overboard with Photoshop. Lastly, his pimp walk was out of control and I could tell he did that the type of person who liked being the center of attention.

Setting aside his animated antics, he was still acting like a gentleman by complimenting me, opening doors, pulled out chairs and allowed me to order first when the waitress arrived.  As we sat waiting for the first comic to come up, the clouds, thunder and lightning started suddenly began moving towards the comedy club. All I can say is poor waitress.  Apparently when Bullet barked his order to her over the loudness of the club, she missed a crucial part of his request because when she brought out his beer BEFORE his food, he lost his mind.

All I heard was something about warm beer and the waitress apologized again and again while trying to leave, he yelled for her to take it away and bring another when the food is ready. If only I could click my heels and disappear to Kansas but instead, my eyes just told the poor girl I was sorry for him being an asshole. Seeing anyone treat a server like that is ridiculous and when he leaned over  to gain my support, whispering and introducing me to breath that smelled a little like my gym shoes, I just shook my head. Bullet asked if I heard when he asked for the drink and meal at the same time, I said no and joked “Easy killer” and he joked back “I wasn’t mad at her; I was just giving her a hard time – stop being so serious.”

Alright, so comedy the show is absolutely fabulous and Bullet’s personality remains in “friendly” mode.  We joked around a little bit and when he said he knew of a nice spot nearby with good drinks and music, I reluctantly agreed to go.  I wasn’t dressed for a nightclub but alcohol at the end of a date like this sounded good to me, especially because I already knew that there would never ever be another with him. Several minutes later, we arrive at some place and this is where things really got interesting, and soon I realized all that I ever needed to know or wanted to know about this nut.  You should not mouth off around someone with anger management issues.

In a matter of about twenty minutes, the question of where he was originally from was answered with “the hood” and I also learned how much he hated had Mexicans.  I mean really dude – we ARE in California, so I’m not sure why you were so surprised that a nightclub in one of the areas with the highest population of “those suckers” was so shocking. Knowing how Bullet feels about our surrounding explains his behavior when this one guy in a wheelchair who obviously should have backed away from the bar hours ago, kept circling in the middle of us while he was dancing.  He was inching closer and closer out of his chamber and when wheelchair dancer either accidentally or drunkenly got a little too close, I saw Bullet’s handle begin to cock so I quickly pulled him away towards the bar.

I’ll mention again that I was dressed for a comedy club and not a nightclub, so after a while I told Bullet that it was too hot inside.  He turns to me and says “No one told you to wear all of that hot shit; you knew you were coming out here so I don’t know what you were thinking.”  My jaw dropped to the floor and I guess the expression on my face was pretty bad because he starts laughing and says “Damn girl, I’m just joking – stop being so serious all the time.”  I am beside myself, outside myself and ready to turn into someone other than myself and several scenes from “What’s Love Got To Do With It”  played out in my head, especially the part when Ike kept telling Anna Mae to eat the cake before shoving it in her face.

Before I could tell him to shove his “jokes” up his ass and bounce out the door, this (drunk) chick comes strolling by and ends up elbowing him in the back while trying to get through the crowded walk way.  Oh-My- God.  I think my brain was trying to process my escape strategy out of this club when Bullet’s face changes, that forehead crease turns into a fold and he whips around and shoves her.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, he yells at her saying “What the fu@k is wrong with you; you can’t just elbow people in the back like that.  You fu@king crazy??”  In a matter of seconds her face went from shock (what the hell, did I just get shoved), to disgust (no he did not just talk to me like that), to fear (oh wow, he’s nuts).  She stuttered an apology and Bullet fired back repeating the question, telling her to apologize again and added that she needs to be more respectful. All I could think of was how long it would take for the woman’s boyfriend, brother or friend to come over there with a chair, bottle or knife and that would be the end of Carmen.  When I say I exited stage left, I mean I EXITED stage left.  I can’t even remember how I got out of there so fast, but all I know is that Bullet was behind me asking me to slow down wondering why I was upset.

As funny as this may sound, the man REALLY believed that the woman had done the elbow move on purpose because he 2 as black.  Anything else he was saying is a blur because I was in escape mode, fumbling for my keys while walking.  He’s still talking and then asks if I agreed that the night had gone well and when I laughed,  said no and walked even faster, asked what was my problem.  “That situation could have been handled differently and you should not put hands on a woman like that”. This clown just sucked his teeth and said the types of women he’s dealt with would have thought his actions were right in line. Bullet professed how he needed a ride or die chick; the type of woman would have backed him up, had his back, realized he was a “real” man, and probably even offered to beat the chick up.  Sorry boo, but I’m not that woman and while you think it’s been a great date this nightmare must come to an end.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones