The Lies Women Tell

A few weeks ago was my 5 year singleversary.  It’s been THAT long since my last relationship means one of two things: I’m just holding out for the right man OR there’s something really wrong with me.

I’d rather go with that first possibility.

Yet sometimes I wonder if my status is by design for a little while longer, because I sure as hell can’t see myself settling like so many others.

It’s just so hard dating nowadays  and when it comes to the competition and lack of available men, I think of ways to make myself stand out more from the crowd.

So when it comes to the dating buffet known as online dating, some of us women try getting creative with our profiles. You know, dressing them up a bit and for some, lying our asses off just to attract the type of man we’re after.

Luckily, I’ve still got a few ounces of dignity and ethics left and have yet to be dishonest with my photos or anything on my dating profile.  But other women?

Not so much.

To read about some of the most common things women are lying about on their profiles, check out my guest post on Digital Romance– one of the best resources for some of the best advice for dating and relationships.

I Can Work with Men

  • The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.

My last date from a few months ago really had it together.

He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.

That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him.  But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.

Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.

He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”.  By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.

“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.

When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.

Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her.  She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.

In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation.  He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds?  Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…

So how did our first meet-up go?

For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.

Impessions-Quotes.001Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point.  Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion.  They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.

47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.

Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up:  late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.

This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.

I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself.  Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When He Shows the First Sign of Crazy

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time” – Maya Angelou

It’s just after 6am and I just ended a telephone call by telling two bold-faced lies to the man on the other end.

The first lie was that I was entering underground parking (with not a structure in sight) and would be losing reception and the second lie was that I would call him right back.

After about a minute of listening to the venom spewing from his mouth, I was beginning to wonder if this dude was a loose cannon, and for the remaining nine minutes on the phone with him, my suspicions were confirmed.  I would be deleting this nut job immediately so please – allow me to introduce Jaded Jack (“JJ”).

I met JJ a few days ago while hanging out with a few friends and while he wasn’t much of a looker, he was decent and came equipped with a nice set of teeth, sense of humor and his casual banter was entertaining.

Since we exchanged numbers in passing, we really didn’t have time to get beyond the basics such as names, age and status.  It was just in your face, this is who I am and if you think you might like me, let’s take a chance kind of dealings and boy, did that “chance” end up being more like a risk.

See, this is what I miss about online dating.  A lot of what we learn from someone’s profile and those pre-screening messages such as career, schedules, children etc… may not necessarily be obtained at the time of meeting.

Someone like me needs to know a few details about someone I may end up dating but you can’t really fire off tons of questions when you meet a person without coming off as putting them through some kind of inquisition.

Then again, online dating isn’t foolproof either because looking back at the hangovers of the past that I did encounter online then meet doesn’t exactly scream “Winning!” either, huh?  I guess this just means that meeting compatible and decent people or dating really is like playing a game of craps and JJ was the snake eyes rolled with wobbly dice.

Now… About this morning’s first conversation (post meeting) which went just like this:

Yeah, I just finished my push-ups and am normally up around 4 or 5am when I was working.  I was laid off from Pepsi-Cola and was doing a stint with the school district, but I’m better than cleaning up classrooms and stuff like that.

In fact, I’ve got a meeting with the union this afternoon to try getting my job back.  So now because this punk ass coworker came at me sideways and we got into a heated verbal altercation I’m out of a job…”

“People keep telling me I need to just bite my tongue but that just isn’t me.  See, this is why I’m not looking for anything right now – not a relationship.  Nothing.

I’m just looking for a cool friend until I can get myself situated and everything worked out right.  I need someone who doesn’t want to fight and argue every day, because I just went to hell and back these past two years in my last relationship. I’m a bit jaded but I’m not looking to be with anyone right now.

The woman I was with took me to a different place and would always accuse me of cheating, said I was still sleeping with the mothers of all my kids (yes plural and no, I didn’t care to ask how many) but then would remind me how fine she was and how she could have any man she wants.  I know I’m not the finest man in the world or the tallest, but when a woman sees what is between my legs, SHE will be blessed…..”

Ninja what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?

In case you’re wondering, here’s what I said to prompt this type of reaction: “Hey, you’re up early this morning.  How’s the day starting out?”

That’s all.

He went from zero to 100 real quick acting as if he had lost his flipping mind. I don’t even remember him having taken a breath in between his rant nor did he notice that I was completely silent on the other end, eyes bucked wide open and jaws gaped as I took in everything he was telling me.

As I’m approaching my office, all I could envision were his blood vessels on the brink of exploding and him foaming at the mouth while he went on another tangent about his two-year emotionally and physically abusive, confrontational and destructive relationship with a ghetto Bonquisha.  His words, not mine.

Aside from simply hanging up, how the hell do you react to someone like this? Now that I think about it, there were probably two things I was able to fit in which included “Wow, it took you TWO years to figure out all of these things about her” and something like “People shouldn’t ignore the warning signs” but that’s really about all because clearly – this conversation was about him and him alone.

Finally, he decides to takes a breather and this was my chance to tell him my two lies.

I’m thankful JJ revealed so much about himself and did so right away.  He’s right about needing nothing in the form of dating or a relationship right now and to be honest, he doesn’t even need a new friend or casual acquaintance and most certainly it won’t be me.  This man reminded me so much of the explosive Bullet and really needs a therapist and some anger management training, not a new female friend who’s only going to be used as his personal punching bag.

I will never understand how so many men and women plagued with personal problems and drama believe they’re in the best position to meet someone new, even if for nothing more than friendship.

Please believe that most of us aren’t looking for the perfection in a person that doesn’t exist, but you sure as hell better have your life together and your attitude in check.

No thanks JJ, I’m so good on your wonderful offerings of friendship and “blessings”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

5 Things Your Single Friends Don’t Want to Hear on Valentine’s Day


fat cherub

Overpriced Hallmark cards, cutesy cuddly teddy bears, fat cherubs, tons of flowers and far too many commercials for that special engagement ring means it’s that time of year again. Talk about sensory overload from all of these things even before the public displays of affection kick in and guess what? Single folks are normally pretty cool with those of you in love, wanting to showcase this moment. We’re happy for you and hope that you all of this and then some BUT there’s just one thing – we wished you would stop sharing so many details.

We don’t want to hear it.

For some, this single awareness day is pretty touch and they’ll do everything to either avoid public places altogether or front like life is grand and make sure they’re everywhere the couples are to show it’s okay if they’re flying solo.   Those of you in lover wonderland just need to know that we aren’t concerned about your plans for the day, we don’t care to hear about how beautiful those corner lot flowers you received, we don’t need to know that he broke the bank taking you out to dinner, and we sure as hell don’t want to know the intricate details of your late night trysts afterwards.  More than likely, we’ll end up seeing everything on your Facebook or Instagram page anyway once we notice that you probably get more “likes” or comments than any post ever before.

Still, even if singles were to stomach all of the details we don’t care to know about the worst thing you can do is to ask us stupid ass questions or make statements you think are making us feel better when in reality, your good intentions only makes us want to kick you in the face.

So if none of your friends have ever mustered up the courage to have told you this before, I’m telling you now. Here are five things single people aren’t interested in hearing and especially on Valentine’s Day.

I hope you’ve got your pencils ready and here we go!


#1 Asking what we have planned for the day vday1

 If I knew you were in the 12-step program, how stupid would I look asking if you wanted to go out for drinks, so think carefully before go there.  Assuming we’re pretty good friends, there shouldn’t be any reason for you to ask and you can best believe that your single friends would have mentioned or hinted at some king of event or outing.  For some of you, you may only be asking about our plans as a lead in to your own plans so whichever the case, don’t do it and just wait for us to clue you in on anything whether it’s nice dinner or a long walk on the beach with our dogs.  We’ll let  you know.

#2 –  Rubbing in #1 by asking if we have a special someone

tedxconcordiauportland mystery man

I have one friend who’s the worst offender by asking if there’s some hot guy I’m hooking up with and every time I’m like “Yes, I’ll be with your boyfriend for the night” in my mind.  Just the same as asking a single person if they have  any special plans on V-Day,  you should know that you would have been told by now if we wanted you to know especially with women.  Girlfriends are always good for sending a text or maybe even a photograph of some hottie we plan on getting it in with.  Take a moment to think about this and ask yourself if your friend has mentioned ANYTHING to you recently about someone new or an old flame and more than likely the answer is no so don’t go here either.

 #3 – Suggesting speed dating or singles mixers

speed dating Bless your hearts and good intentions but suggesting speed dating to us is the equivalent of suggesting online dating any other time and again, you mean well but this isn’t helping.  What makes  you think we’re not already the bulls eye of every marketing event known to man for different singles excursions?  From the dating mixers to the comedy clubs to restaurants catering to groups of men and women, we already know so thanks for this little tip but consider we may be just as content with doing something with little fan fare or maybe even nothing at all.

 #4 – Saying we’ll meet someone when least expected least expect it

 Remember what I said earlier about wanting to kick you in the face? If nothing else, this statement is the worst thing you can say to a single person and is the one of the most cliché lines ever. It’s the equivalent of telling someone who died that a loved one is in a better place. You’re stating what may be the obvious but it doesn’t make anyone feel wonderful hearing it and especially not on Valentine’s Day so just cut it out.

What’s worse is that many of you not only say this but will offer up some story about how you were online and “not looking” and ended up with a good catch or how some chance meeting at the coffee shop led you to your soul mate. All very touching stories but just allow us continue to expect the unexpected on our own.

#5 – Downplaying it all

imagineinghappenings.wordpress vday sucks

 Your relationship is either on shaky grounds or your marriage really sucks so okay, we get that this day may not mean anything to you because your significant other is likely just going through the motions. Oh well, that’s you boo so stop trying to downplay the whole single status on this day as being just another day. How about allowing us to make our own interpretations of the day and any desire to be in a relationship is just that – our desire. The negative twist you’re putting on this day could also be your way of trying to soften the blow some singles feel when there’s no one to celebrate with but again, the commentary isn’t needed.

So there you have it, what single people don’t want to hear.  Now you love birds have a wonderful weekend, enjoying all that the significant other thought to give or do for you but member,  if we’re interested in hearing the details of how things went, we will ask you.


Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Ignoring the Limpness

It’s late at night and the two of you either made plans for a happy ending or figured a hot and steamy make out session is what a 2am visit would eventually lead to.

An intense round of tongue wrestling ensues and next thing you know, any clothing you were wearing has been strewn throughout the room.

The kissing and touching gets pretty intense, nipples and other body parts are now out and ready for some action but there’s just one small problem – the man’s penis isn’t cooperating and not willing to participate in the fun.

This just happened to me last night and I’ll be damned if I start my new year off with yet another dysfunctional penis.  Remember my last experience with the two minute man who swore the type of alcohol he drank caused his premature happy ending?

What the hell is going on with these men and why are they putting themselves in situations knowing there’s a possibility they won’t be able to follow through on the foreplay?

Fortunately, these are experiences with men I’ve not dated regularly and thank goodness, am not in a relationship with because I hear far too many stories about these broken penises.

Friends who adore their boyfriends and love their husbands complain all of the time about how the sex is just unbearable because his morning wood is more like stale string cheese or his inability to get beyond 5 struggle pumps.

Too drunk, medications, too tired, nervousness or any other reasons that may exist, you (men) will be embarrassed and we (women) will be pissed, so I’m really curious about the best way to handle this.

Are we supposed to gently tap little Willy on the head and murmur “There, there… it’s okay” or try to ignore the elephant in the room.

What say you?

Until there’s a cure (for dating hangovers and penis problems)…

Carmen Jones