Reappearing Act Gone Wrong

It’s amazing how men think they can just disappear and pop back into your life like it’s nothing.  But this hangover thought wrong and caught me on the sober end of taco Tuesday.

Grab your headphones and get ready to LISTEN to a raw and UNEDITED explanation of why I sent that venomous text in my last post.

This is my first time trying a podcast style post, so don’t judge me.

I was pissed.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9Z8h58LxeVOWXFfSmRHWTNkazg/view?usp=drivesdk

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Dating Someone Who’s Been to Prison

Where do you draw a line in the sand that separates judgment from an inability to relate? It seems as if a lot of the men trying to date are in situations that make it hard for a woman to want to deal with them.

Before I explain further,  you can obviously  tell that not much is cooking in terms of prospects.  I may chat with the men I’m meeting online and even the ones I’ve encountered in person, but nothing sticks.  So my dating experiences haven’t gone beyond a few meet ups that have gone nowhere or I’ve just been dealing with the old faithful bench players holding it down in the friend zone.

If you know anyone who’s tried online dating and is still single, they surely have told you about the cycle.  We go away, but we come back and a couple of weeks ago, I reactivated my profile for like the fourth time this year.

Sadly, the same old song is playing.

The men I’m interested in are either cocky as hell, unavailable to date, far away (Nova Scotia is a stretch), or just not into me.

So by design, the men I am not interested in are sticking to me like flies on shit.  They are either unattractive, perverted, too thuggish or for a lack of better words- are true struggle bunnies.

Let’s take the gentleman I exchanged numbers with a few days ago who I’ll call Felonious Monk.

He’s decent looking guy (says his photos), owns a transportation business, is literate, has a great sense of humor, and the biggest score is his intellect.  He mentioned a few times how he had grown weary of the types of women he was involved with former the past, and was now looking for that “sexy, smart, corporate chick with a bit of an edge”.

That’s me, that’s me, that IS me!!!

Now while he isn’t college educated, he’s obviously spent a lot of time reading and taking in knowledge to converse about a lot of things.  I could tell he had a few rough edges, but nothing too bad was revealed from our first conversation so this one sounds decent, right?

Um, yeah.  Let’s get to that follow up call which starts out talking about living situations, kids and our backgrounds.

I’m not judging BUT 46 years old and roommate just doesn’t sound right.  He explained he was helping out a friend and not even charging him rent, so it was more of a “staying with” vs a true roommate.  Okay, whatever.  

These living situations have pretty much become the norm in California so my nose twitched a bit, but that little nagging bitch in the back of my head meowing forced me to allow what is normally a turn off and deal breaker.

The “who lives with you” talk naturally went to children and again, not judging because once again, a man with multiple children is the norm after 30, so I barely batted an eye when he said he had three.

But how many mothers?  Three.  And so it begins but gets worse.

This revelation would have had the average woman wrapping up the conversation, but I allowed the conversation to continue and then he makes a comment about people getting second chances at life.

Lord help me, I wasn’t ready.

Listening to him talk about himself and his upbringing was like turning the pages in a book on urban history;  like some “Losing Isiah” meets “Boyz N The Hood” type shit which involved a single parent household with a father nowhere to be found.  A mother strung out on crack cocaine not paying attention to what her kids were doing which led to him dropping out of school, joining a Los Angeles street gang where he hustled and sold the same drugs his mother was fiending for, and eventually – he became a career criminal.

The longest stint in prison? 7 years hence the name.

What’s so crazy is hearing how easy it was for him to get women;  the types who were attracted to that thug life which offered nothing but drama and for him – resulting in his three baby mamas.  So it’s no wonder he’s talking about wanting a different type of person who’s pretty much a square but how does that work?

I tried not to be judgmental and in spite of his checkered past, I could tell from his conversation he wasn’t a dumb man.  In fact, Felonious Monk came across as a highly intelligent, fairly articulate and driven man who claims he learned his life lessons and just wanted to live a normal life with a woman by his side.  But still…. that past is something that can’t be ignored.  Or can it?

You’ll often hear (black) women complain that there aren’t enough available men, however this isn’t entirely accurate.  They ARE out there.  It’s just a matter of how much you’re willing and able to deal with and sometimes I ask myself if I should have stayed with the bipolar, manic depressive, porn addicted, serial masturbator, emotionally manipulating, microscopic penis having ex-boyfriend instead of dealing with the dating scene.

I think it’s an inability to relate or accept those things were in the past, so I pretty much shut him down last night.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Single With Benefits

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I’m still here and yes, still single.

This chick here has been quite busy over the holidays and am just now starting to get into the swing of things after ending the year trying to knock out some of my goals that I’d set which included the usual suspects such as:  losing weight, saving money, traveling, meeting “him” and purchasing a home.

The bad news is when it came to losing a couple of pounds and meeting him I failed, failed, failed.  I got nothing, nada, zero, zilch to offer for either of those two major goals.

The good news is that I hit two of the major ones out of the park – I nailed the savings/debt management AND purchased my first home!!!  I did it on my own and in one of the worst places to purchase property, good old Southern California.

Ah… what a great feeling and while I’m trying not to let what one of my friends joked about being a homeowner raises the bar even higher for the types of men I’d consider taint my joy,  I would be lying if I said there wasn’t some truth to what she said.

The pickings for men who have it together that aren’t bat shit crazy or self-absorbed assholes are pretty slim and not even considering the ownership portion, a lot of them are shacking up or back at home with their parents.  It seems like so many men are really struggling but are always putting themselves out there to date.  I don’t get it.

But to be honest, there’s not been much focus on dating or dealings with any man for that matter, including Papi.  The last potential who at first glance kind of seemed like someone I could entertain as a dating prospect that I’d met right before Thanksgiving ended badly because no matter how much of a gentleman he claimed to be, accepting rejection was NOT his forte.

For days, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, with impressive conversation and book smarts which all changed once I started phasing him out:

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Then I see he’s not getting the nice way of me handling things and send him the pink slip, and he responds with this:
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He’s not the first and surely won’t be the last of his kind who can’t handle rejection.

Do you know how often men actually stoop to this level? More often than you think another blogger shares here. Clearly, he was really in his feelings and I’ll have to share some choice words from another guy who couldn’t take the “not interested” reply and read me the riot act on of all things, understanding rejection.

Then there’s the fall back guy Papi, whose sole purpose in life was to make my fantasies of multiple orgasmic nights come to life but towards the end of the year, that routine became old.

  I guess I just got tired of trying to figure him out and interpret his mixed and often cryptic messages that were as frustrating as solving a rubik’s cube with too many missing pieces.  Zero patience or time for that song and dance and even as recently as a few days ago, have been ignoring his attempts to bring in the New Year with sweating and groaning by sending messages like this:

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Yes, that is exactly what you think it is  and ordinarily these kinds of tempting sexting messages  would have me drooling.  I decided to opt out this time around.

So for now, not much has changed on the hangovers scene.

Perhaps since one of the things I’ve been wanting for so long (being a homeowner) has satiated the desire for something else I’m wanting (a good man) and there are so many things I want to do to fix up my new place as much as possible in the next couple of months to keep me distracted from dating.

But…with my short attention span, I suspect I’ll be back to trolling for prospects pretty soon.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Shit or Get Off The Pot

It’s been a loooooong time coming, but finally my time has come around again.   After the last conversation Papi and I had, we both resolved that the feelings we had (albeit confusing) needed to be dealt with.

“After so many years, how could we not have some strong emotions” he said somewhat emphatically.    He’s so right and after quite a few years, I’m finally on the same page with a man.

We both realized it was worth a shot trying something that was beyond the sex. We spent a lot of time talking about what our ideal companion looked like and conceded that we were likely looking right at it- in one another.

It’s amazing how I rarely will take a leap of faith without any second guessing and with him, I’m doing just that.  In fact, he wasn’t out the door more than five minutes before I went online and canceled my dating account.  Now here I am thinking of what’s to come and while only time will tell if there’s anything here, if we’ll revert back to cut buddies only or worse, nothing at all.

I might be getting closer.

But wait…..

There’s just one thing- this isn’t exactly what’s going on with us since my last update because in reality, not a fucking thing has transpired after our little chat.  Not a word, conversation, text and I do mean nothing, nada, zilch.

Let me tell you what did happen.

Papi said what he had to say, I said what I had to say.  I asked him why he never ever said anything to me about his current “state of confused emotions” and most importantly, why he never ever mentioned anything to me about how he’s felt in the past.

He said he figured it was just best to keep it to himself and not rock the boat, which is how we’ve been able to carry on like this for so long.  He just kept feelings to himself and since I never gave any green lights that said “Go”, he figured he would stay in his lane.

Blank stare.

I probably stood there glaring at him in disbelief before finally responding “What the hell?  You never gave me any signals or indication that you wanted anything but the red light so how would I have known?”

I wanted to know why he never asked if I was involved with someone whenever we struck up another round and after all of these years, why hadn’t he mentioned that he was even remotely interested.  He said he didn’t want to hear about my involvement with another man and I told him to a woman this translates into you not giving a shit about anything else.

I told him I wasn’t a mind reader and that if he was interested, he should have just said what he needed to say and deal with it.  This went on and on for a few rounds and eventually he starts laughing and tells me “Damn Carmen, you sound just like a man with some of the things you’re saying to me”.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told something like this which further proves that my innate ways of saying or doing the types of ridiculous things most men are guilty of doing are right on the mark.

Papi recognized this and it made me wonder if he’s used to being the one on the other side of the fence.  We realized we weren’t getting anywhere and besides, it was already late at night so we bid our farewells and he was out the door which takes me back to the beginning of this post – the fact that nothing in the last two and a half weeks has transpired since that night.

We kind of left the “state of confused emotions” hanging for the past two and a half weeks but the art of practicing avoidance isn’t one of my strong points.

I would much rather face things head on and deal with the outcome, whether it’s to my satisfaction or not and although we had a quick session last week, I haven’t said anything else and neither has he. A few months ago I made the comment about knowing why I was single and not understanding what his deal was, someone who was seemingly such a great catch.

Yet after a few discussions about his interaction with different people such a particular co-worker and more importantly, his ex-wife, one thing jumped out at me.

His style of communication which was in his own words, not always received very well adding that he had been told many times that he came off as being condescending and not giving two shits about much of anything.

Okay, perhaps avoidance of issues is just how he rolls but that is so different from me.  I would much rather hear something standard of these kinds of men like “I’m just not in a position to offer you anything more” than nothing at all.

If there’s anyone out there willing to explain to me how things should work from here with this sexual relationship while we’re trying to ignore the elephant in the room, I’m all ears but my inner instinct is telling me exactly what should happen from here.

I need to resolve that I’ve arrived at that time in my life where I need to stop allowing this man to be my eternal back up plan.

That’s what he has always been because any time I’ve been in between relationships and the dating prospects haven’t been too serious, he has been there ready to provide and fulfill my needs but it’s never been for anything more than just sex.

There’s no specific explanation I can provide for why it took me this long to catch feelings.  18 years.

I can only guess that it was my turning 40 and having one of the most definitive ideas of what I’m looking for in a man.  Or maybe I can guess again that it was due to my lack of involvement with any real distractions (men).   Hell, I can even guess that once our intimate interactions took a turn, we began to explore each other’s boundaries a lot more, things got really intense and intense the hormones became confused with emotions.

Whichever the case, it’s not something that fits into any logical place for me and I would be lying if I said we could just carry on like usual is a possibility.  I think it’s just time to move on and this time – it needs to be for good.

It makes me wonder if I should have said anything to him at all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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High Standards, Single Women

In a perfect world, we would do everything in sequence such as getting to know each other as friends before you start dating someone but nothing is perfect and sometimes doing things out of order ends up being a good thing.  When it comes to men, I’m finding this to be an advantage and in most cases can thank my lucky stars that my spidey senses about a hangover kicked in before it was too late.  My talk with one that I’ve known for a few years now was quite enlightening when he revealed why he never pursued anything with me after several outings.

While the story doesn’t quite go the way he remembers since it was me who told him I wasn’t interested, I’ll let USBC believe things were under his control.  During one of those conversations with someone of the opposite sex the question of who I’m involved with almost always comes up, and when I responded there wasn’t anyone right now who was appealing, USBC says he tells me the reason he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything serious is because didn’t want to do that much work and was afraid of me.

Too much work and afraid, huh?

I knew this talk was about to get interesting and he begins explaining how afraid he was that I would be that one woman to do a number on him.  Meaning, he’s so used to being the one in a situation/relationship causing the other grief and pain, the idea of someone doing the same to him wasn’t something he could contend with.  Just like a few others, USBC couldn’t believe that he could have stumbled on someone who was sexy, smart, funny, adventurous, spirited and kinky like me could be kept by a man like him.  As such, he figured it was best to go with a “safer option” and began dating some low maintenance chick not having to worry about doing any real work to keep her happy.

For some reason, this was so funny to me because a lot of my friends always wonder how the boring chick seems to score in relationships and marriages and it’s because they’re considered low maintenance or as he said – low maintenance.  I think this Huff Post article gives the most accurate description of this type of woman saying she is “willing to repress her own needs in order to make no demands on her current or desired partner.”

Taking it a step further beyond her submissive ways, envision what she is typically going to look like.  She is likely very basic if not frumpy, does minimal to keep up her exterior appearance (she would never rock a Ruby Woo lipstick and a stiletto is out of the question) and is likely sporting everything au natural.  The type of woman who is low maintenance might be a loner or a homebody.  Most importantly – just rolls with the ebbs and flows, accepting of all of the bullshit these men may send her way.

Almost always, she’s being cheated on for a woman like me and just as USBC explained to me – the very things that makes a man like him interested in being with her, are the same things that he ends up despising once he realizes she just doesn’t go it for him. In my eyes,  these women aren’t winning a damn thing.

I’m totally stoked about this conversation for two reasons – the most obvious being able to figure after only three dates that we weren’t a good fit based on what I was hearing and now, this man being comfortable enough to actually divulge what I’ve suspected to be the problem with dating all along:

The insecurities of a man are most often the reason for all of the drama and headaches with dating and relationships.

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Sorry fellas, I’m not the beat up Toyota Corolla with 200,000 miles that only needs the tires kicked every now and then.   But I’m not the Phantom Rolls Royse running you $650 a pop for a basic oil change.

I AM a woman of substance who takes pride in her appearance and has enough self-respect to know my worth.

Accept it and love me or leave me alone.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

He Didn’t Wear Heels

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Last week’s date marked the first time I’ve gone out with a non-black man and while one “quick” meet up will never allow me to claim an interracial dating experience, at least I was open coerced enough to have tried it.

During that excruciating hour and eleven minutes with the hangover I’ll call Guido, a few things became perfectly clear to me:  (1) nearly every man lies about at least one thing on his dating profile, (2) broken English and improper verb tense isn’t something I’ll ever be able to stomach, and (3) being told how beautiful I am repeatedly in one sitting is a little creepy.

That being said, to say that I was turned off by Guido is an understatement and while he was planning on making the night last even longer by moving from drinks to dinner, I politely declined saying I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling like it hadn’t been fed in weeks.  The second and third realizations can certainly be annoying, but it’s that first one that kills me about men just like Guido who lie, lie, lie when it comes to their profiles and according to scientific research, 81% of the people out there are lying about something. 

Height, age and weight tend to be areas where the deception is the highest.

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While Guido still looked a little bit like the profile photos posted he was just a shorter, bigger and more ethnic version of himself in real life.  Obviously I’m not very good at hiding my reaction to this actual version because he asked me why I seemed to flinch when he walked into the restaurant where we met. 

It wasn’t really a flinch but more like me silently asking who the fuck is this when seeing he was about 5’7 (profile said 5’11), chubby with stubby fingers wearing a jacket his body was screaming to get out of (profile said “athletic”) and while it didn’t matter either way, appeared to look more Latino (profile said mixed race). 

Of course if he’s going to ask what I thought about his appearance, I’m going to explain how different he looks and do you know this fat bastard even had the nerve to joke about the height discrepancy by saying “I’m not wearing my heels today” before quickly changing the subject. 

After he began the lengthy sales presentation about himself, I soon learned a few other things he lied about in his profile including his profession and ethnicity. 

Guido isn’t really in executive management but is a financial analyst who probably thinks he’s the big cheese because of the travel perks he received and pimps out to the ladies.  Also, when asking if his family still lived in Puerto Rico since he’s always traveling there (must have forgot he told me that’s where he’s from) I was confused when he shook his head like I said something offensive, before replying that he was from Chile.   This little tidbit explained realization number two.

Once again, there’s another fraud in my presence who ironically,  complained about having met WOMEN who weren’t what they depicted in their profiles.   I guess he decided to pay it forward thinking there was nothing wrong with little white lies.

Dating in general is already pretentious and risky enough without having to worry about the “little things” people aren’t truthful about either directly or indirectly.  Here’s the thing about lying when it comes to your appearance – unless you’re able to make some miraculous physical transformation before we meet all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure, while eliminating yourself from ever having a chance at a second date.

Someone needs to tell these ass clowns to just be up front so they can stop wasting precious time, energy and gas.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

P.S. If you’re reading this post via email and wonder why you’re only seeing the first couple of sentences, have no fear – simply click on the post title link and off you go to the web site!

The Come Back Charlie’s

Hangovers aren’t really feelings you ever want to return but every now and then,  I just might entertain the idea of being entertained.  It’s been several years since I’ve been seen the one called The Black Russian,  but we have both been in and out of the online dating scene so we have chatted briefly a time or two.

Yesterday he decided to reach out via telephone and before I share the how his life has been since we met, here’s a little throwback post to reintroduce or introduce him to you.  If you want to read about how that first encounter ended, click here.

And now on to The Date with The Black Russian, Part 1…

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(REPOST)

Okay, do you want the short version or the tale with all the goodies because Friday night’s date with the one I’ll call “Black Russian” ended with a few laughs, moans, a few groans and quite possibly a few tears.  In fact, this  guy’s name should really be “Almost 10” or “Ovary Killer” and by the end of this post, you’ll understand what I mean.  It is not my intent to be a writer of erotica but hey, the purpose of the blog is to share my experiences so boys and girls, here we go!

                                                                                    The Guy  

A few details about my latest hangover candidate include the obvious – this amalgamated specimen is the product of a black father (the black man  is always tapping into other oceans) and a Russian orthodox mother.   I joked with him that he was the first his kind for me and was the first person I was meeting off of Plenty of Fish this second time around.

Yeah, I know I said I’d given up online dating months ago but I really just signed up for this service with no intention of meeting anyone.  Honestly, most dating sights are pure comic relief with the photos and profiles alone, but I signed up to get articles and thread posts for blog material.  Anyway, back to our guy.  He’s quite handsome, towering over me with 6’4, thin to medium build frame, with beautiful teeth and has a complexion of a latte with two tablespoons of cream. I hate hate hate having a type and as much as I try to escape from it,  he was my typical looking guy.

                                                                              Setting the Date  After a few phone conversations and texting, Black Russian finally said how it would be cool if we finally met up so we agreed on Friday; the destination was up in the air.  Now let me say this – I normally like a guy to do all of the planning and just give me an idea on what attire I should consider, I like to be surprised but understanding that has probably backfired a time or two, I was okay that we didn’t have a “where to” set in stone.  The plan was to meet up at his house, though I made it clear I would wait for him OUTSIDE his place and we’ve go from there.

                                                                                 The Meeting   

Hooray!!!! He looks like his profile and the follow up picture and not like a ninja turtle and yay!!! He wasn’t dressed like he was going to shoot pool with the homeboys (remember Ghetto 2Pac?).  Dressed in a date-appropriate outfit consisting of a dark v-neck, jacket, jeans and black shoes and smelling great he drove us to our destination for dinner and drinks.  Black Russian’s a nice guy, converses well and has manners so I enjoyed our time out.  Fireworks, moments of WOW and thoughts of this might be a connection?  No, I didn’t feel any real chemistry and it was likely mutual so if anything, we both had probably figured we could become friends at best.  The night was going well until we did the unthinkable on a first date – started talking about sex.

Sometimes you meet a person and you have absolutely nothing in common.  Sometimes you have many things in common but you just don’t like the person.  Sometimes you are so-so, nothing that knocks your socks off about the person and you make do. Sometimes you meet a person and find you are on the EXACT SAME PAGE, especially when it comes to something you both really enjoy.  Sex.

                                                                           Bragada & Carmen  

Alright, so dinner and a few drinks combined with talks about past relationships, what worked and what didn’t.  Does size matter, conversations you should not have after sex, crazy women and all that good first date stuff is how we closed out dinner.   Once I’d mentioned the inadequate size of an ex’s tool, Black Russian seemed shocked that a woman could tolerate such a small, pitiful, disappointing piece of—  okay, I digressed.  Anyway, he asks me with the grin of a Cheshire cat “8+inches enough for you?”

Needless to say, while waiting for our pitifully sorry waiter to come with the check I don’t think either of us was ready for the night to end.  I know this is really an invitation to get some booty, but when he asked me if I wanted to come back to his place and “chill” for a bit over some drinks, I really didn’t care.  I did not PLAN on things happening the way they did, but after the vodka (what else would a Russian drink!) and cranberry, small talk about friends and living space, reminiscing over old slow jams we loved and agreeing that a Prince concert is a must see, as we sat on the sofa he went in for the kill.  My neck.

Ladies, I don’t know how many erogenous zones you may have but you know that one really gets you going and for me, it’s my neck.  It seems like it is the most sensitive area at times, because I’m extremely ticklish in one way but the right touch, kiss or lick sends me well – not laughing, that’s for sure.  So the kiss on the neck goes to the cheek, to the lips and oh, the lips.  Soft, succulent, moist, full, powerful.  Black Russian had made this comment about his mouth days ago when I asked him if his bong and cannabis hobby left him with dry, chaffed lips.  Not only did he fire off an adjective laden reply, he topped it off by telling me those same lips could elicit orgasm after orgasm.  How’s that for a little pre-meeting foreplay?

So after a really intense necking, kissing, nipple sucking & breast massaging session he comes at me with what is probably the cheesiest line EVER – “Come on, I want you to see how soft my bed is”.

Really?  We just this heated you’re-making-me-moist grinding session and that’s the best line to get me in your room?  Well I’m sorry, you must think I’m the most naïve, just got off the turnip truck type of girl you can say anything to because…. Because… It worked!  LOL!!!!

Through the black curtains and to the bedroom we go and shortly after I met Bragada.  Slow down pervs, not another woman or anything but the bed – this guy wasn’t kidding because this memory foam with a dash of heaven was the most comfortable bed I’ve ever laid my body on.  We lay there talking and laughing about me now being a believer when suddenly he says he wanted to show me what else was the softest.

Enter the “Hey, what are you doing” as he pulls quickly manipulates through the belt loops and zipper of my jeans, followed by the “oh no, you’re not doing that” as he’s telling me exactly how he’s going to get multiple orgasms out of me ending with the inaudible “Oh my GOD” and some other things I said that I simply cannot remember.

The Black Russian delivered.  Orgasm after orgasm, back to back.  Knee shaking, spine tingling.  Damn, and this is after just the first date?  I felt weak, pleaded for him to give me a break but he was relentless.  So of course, you know what happens next…..

To be continued…

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

We Aren’t Friends Like That

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I have never really understood why people feel the need to hold on after the relationship has gone bust or the dating situation has ended, so this “Let’s be friends” idea has always been pointless in my eyes.  Unless you have children together and obviously need to be cordial,  you need to get along until changes in living arrangements are finalized or maybe in the case of someone getting close to the ex’s children as step-parent extraordinaire, what are other valid reasons and why not just cut ties and move on?  Just as I tried explaining to Out of Sight when I saw him last week, I really don’t want to be around when that he or one of the other hangovers thinks we’re in a comfortable place for them to share details about some new chick.  Sorry, I don’t care to know and if I’ve still got feelings for them (whether good OR bad) it only makes matters worse.  Admittedly, some of my ways of dealing with the men in my past may seem a bit extreme but if it didn’t work out between us I would much rather have a clean slate and keep it moving so rarely will I deviate from this position.  Say what you want, but it works for me because the last thing I want is to have some man from the past dredging up old feelings when the goal is to move on to something new and better.

Case in point is Hope who really had me going at one point in time and although I chose to sever ties with him when learning we were on two separate paths, I deviated from how these men are normally handled; I have continued to accept texts and telephone calls from the hangover who was quite enjoyable to hang around, quite affectionate and was always showing what I thought was a sincere interest due to the amount of my time he was consuming.You can go back and read up about him from the beginning here to the point of me calling him out on his confusing actions, to how I decided to leave that situation alone.  Several months went by with him respecting my wishes that he cease any contact with me but then slowly and quietly, he started up with the random messaging and calling.  For the most part, we’ve engaged in nothing but light-hearted, menial conversations although from time to time there might have been talks about hanging out sometime but that was about it, but recently I noticed that he’s been reaching out a little more often for whatever reason.  Every time we spoke and Hope asked what’s new with me and whether I was with anyone new my answer was no, so I would reciprocate and inquire if anything new was going on with him and his answer was the same.  It seems that his life has taken another turn downward and an old injury from bike riding has placed him off of his day job indefinitely, but it’s no skin off his back since still back at his parent’s home even though he’s pushing 44 years-old.   At no time had he ever mentioned anything about being involved with anyone and other than some innocent flirting, didn’t cross any boundaries that might have led to a booty call or a hook up.

Let’s fast forward to last evening when Hope called…

The same type of conversation ensues where he’s quizzing me on what’s been going on since we last spoke and I’m thinking to myself like damn dude– we just danced this dance two weeks so not much has developed since then.Nevertheless, we chatted it up  like usual as I shared my excitement about my upcoming trip to Europe, mentioned a few tidbits about the world of dating then asked him what was new with him.Normally he responds by saying nothing much before adding the lackluster developments in his world but this time he paused and says “What’s new with me? Uh…. Don’t you remember what I told you the last time we spoke?”  Stupid ass question of course and I replied to that same effect and Hope then responds with this strangely animated tone saying “I’m having a baby!!!”

Before I continue let me say that I DID mumble a congratulations because this was going to be his first child but because this was so unexpected from the man who told me he had been “involved” with several women at the same time with me only because he wasn’t interested in settling down for anything serious, which was the main reason I backed away.  If Hope considered seeing the same person several times a week, exchanging heated kisses, moments with his Flesh Light (you might want to click this link from your cell!) of course, his unforgettable skills at performing fellatio, and I can’t leave out my crymax experience as being insignificant – this told me he wasn’t very discriminant and was probably nasty enough to be doing the same thing with the other women concurrently.

Okay, the initial shock that he was expecting a child with another baby mama was over and I then asked if this was with one of the ex’s he had dipped back to a few times or one of the women he was “involved” with from his past and he replied “No, someone pretty new actually.”  Pretty new?? What the fuck? So I guess this latest baby mama isn’t a girlfriend or anyone worthy of mention because if you scroll back up to the top, the dude has never mentioned anything about her and even now, nothing and now the first thing I’m thinking to myself is how his nasty ass has been bare backing it with someone he barely even knows.   The second thing I’m wondering is whether or not THIS baby is really his because if you missed it, I presented you with two contradictions above – his first child, then another baby mama.  I may have mentioned way back when that he was a nice guy with a kind heart who was just as emotionally jacked up as the other hangovers, but I never mentioned why.  Hope has been engaged once and in several serious relationships with him becoming a father twice and then learning after months of anticipation, celebration, exciting baby showers and joyous birthing celebrations that he was NOT the father.

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Yep, twice.  Two women he was madly in love with and each of them having cheated at some point in their relationship, having him thinking he was destined for a life as a father.   You have to be completely gullible or have incredibly horrid luck to have experienced this type of deceitfulness twice in life but oh well; this has nothing to do with me.   Within a few minutes, Hope found himself quite confused when my last response ended up being “Congratulations again to you and good luck with your new family, but I’m pretty much done with this conversation” before I ended the call.

This is why I don’t agree with being friends after you have dated someone unless it was a very, very casual situation that just didn’t work or a good period of time has gone by since you last dealt with each other.  Why does Hope think he’s going to have a cheerleader in me at the thought of him having banged it out a few good times with some random woman and what type of response was he expecting from me?  Not once did he ever say he was planning things with his woman/girlfriend/partner nothing.  Obviously, he was downplaying the situation or perhaps putting out the feelers because this morning he sent me the following and as you can see from my reply, it’s pretty much a wrap jack:

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Tell me again why I need to keep an old fling in my life.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

The Representative

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Sometimes I really wished my levels of perception were dialed down from a level 10 to maybe a 2. Maybe if my instincts about certain situations with these hangovers weren’t so on point, then perhaps I wouldn’t be struggling so much in trying to find my guy.  Translation – I should either ignore a lot of shit and be as naïve as a lot of women and just suck it up.  

The problem is that the thought of doing this aches me to the core of my soul, because it just isn’t in me to ignore the obvious. I guess th is all means the man I’m supposed to be with is being tucked away somewhere until my mid-50’s or something but for now, any possibility with Out of Sight is OUT OF SIGHT.

It’s a done deal and thankfully it only took me six months to realize that the person he portrayed himself to be was nothing more than a façade of who he really was.  I had been dealing with the representative who in a series of rants by text message and even a comment right here on my blog, had shown me that he was definitely not my guy.    

Just shameful I tell you because he was a great person who was fun to be around and all that jazz BUT everything goes to hell if you’re a woman who gets involved romantically with him.  I’ve said time and time again that there are some people that should not date and Out of Sight is definitely one of them but because he’ll meet woman after woman after woman who finds the same traits that he possesses so appealing as I had. This man will continue the revolving door of misery until he fixes himself.  

I don’t just say these things to put myself in the light of glory, but seriously – when people say “It’s not you, it’s me”, there is a 99.99999999% chance, it really is them.

The bottom line after months of involvement I learned that the representative had finally turned control over to him when he revealed that he was a cluster-fuck of emotional baggage that have been ongoing for many years before his marriage and divorce, dating back to what he witnessed and experienced with family and other relationships. The real Out of Sight finally admitted that he had been leading me on from day one, telling me that his intentions were never right.

Just as I had suspected and what’s so sad with all of this coming out he still thought that my disappointment stemmed from him NOT wanting to rush into a relationship, when in reality he wasn’t capable of realizing that (1) having an online dating profile that says “Serious Relationship” means just that to the reader and (2) half of a year isn’t rushing a damn thing.  Oh yes, definitely all his issues and it feels good to get it in writing that Carmen isn’t the problem here and you’ll see why I’m saying this in just a moment.

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The cracks in this man’s foundation began slowly and subtly before he arrived here in California which then turned into pieces of plaster falling off the wall, and even with the numerous outs I gave him to just tell me what he doesn’t want or where he wasn’t interested in going, he never took them. So you know what happens then, right?  A resolution that the two people who aren’t on the same page that could end peacefully without any hard feelings ends with messages like “Fine Carmen, I have granted your request and deleted all of your contact information.  I won’t contact you again….”  

Narcissistic indeed because I don’t understood why he felt the need to send a message that he had finally accepted I wanted nothing to do with him.

There is plenty to tell about how things all went down and if I put everything all in the same post, it would make for an incredibly long scroll bar while reading. Our situation quickly escalated from good during a mid-week lunch meet up at his job, to mass confusion and not-so-good when he overreacted to something I said as I was leaving and finally, to straight up ugly after he felt the need to post a public service announcement on my blog.  In what really seemed like more of an appeal for sympathy of his situation instead of simply sharing his feelings with me, here is what Out of Sight posted* on the last blog entry (*Original and actual content with grammar edits):

Out Of Sight says:28 August, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Carmen, I find it hard to understand how you could walk away from someone you claim to care deeply for just because the pace that CARMEN wants things done in are different from his.

For a person who’s never been married, has dated for a few years and has pretty much everything in line with her life, how could you not possibly understand a man that’s been divorced for barely 2 years, decided to make a life changing move to a totally different state all to start a new life less than 90 days ago.

How could I not possibly be ready to jump right into a relationship? Riiight!

Why not take time to figure out if this is right for me on so many levels. I mean California is the land of the hustle and the home of the barely hanging on. Why would I want to possibly take the time and make sure that I have a stable foundation in a city and state where most people are one check away from losing everything they have ever attained?

Now as far as other prospects being compared to me? Maybe that’s because I’m the most open and honest guy to date. I have never lied to you about anything and I’m always open about my feelings. Maybe it’s because you and I have a lot in common and I don’t put up with BS from you or anyone.

Maybe it’s because family is important to a man like me and all the things that has happened to me in the past 90 days would be rough on anyone.

How about because I have a good heart and believe in a strong foundation in any relationship. Yes, I could jump into a relationship half ass but what would that accomplish? I mean really!!!

Look… For those who haven’t figured out this post, I AM Out of Sight and I love Carmen.

I think she is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but as a man I will take my time and not be rushed into any situation.

So rebound guy (who’s probably has never had a relationship longer than 5 years and has never been married) needs to know that Carmen should be were your search for the perfect woman ends.

She deserves someone who is willing to fit into her life like a puzzle and not come with a lot of baggage. She’s ready for the next step in her life and where she’s trying to go, I’ve already been.

So as much as I’m ready to be back in a situation, it has to be right on both ends. I will not go through struggles, fights, displacement, arguing, or even divorce again. That’s all the bull crap that comes with RUSHING into a relationship without becoming friends first. Trust me; the next relationship will last until death do us part.  So…

Until there’s a cure!~Out Of Sight

After he sends me a text message letting me know he had just finished posting something on my blog and figuring I was some kind of pansy not willing to approve it, I read it and was likely the most annoyed that he would use my moniker of “Until there’s a cure” which really seemed like he was taking a jab.  

The nerve of this dude and if I wasn’t already seeing red because of the manner in which he decided to say all of this, it became painfully clear that he takes absolutely no responsibility for his own actions and was trying to paint me as the woman trying to force or rush things.

Perhaps he should have gone back through his text message or even voicemail log to refresh his memory that I wasn’t trying to rush anything but merely wanted him to be up front about his intentions with me, that’s it.  Why is it so hard for a person to understand that if you start out saying one thing, acting a certain way only to change direction is confusing and frustrating to the other person?

You better believe there was dialogue about all of this and finally, it seemed as if the two of us were on the same page and in agreement that being friends without any actions that even resembled dating was the extent of what we needed.  That is until a day later, I receive a text message that begins with “I want to apologize to you…”  I have to admit that even now, some three weeks later, I’m still in amazement of how someone could go from one extreme to the next while bringing religious hypocrisy to a whole new level.

Somehow I’m going to share what happens next without giving a word for word account but hey – at least Out of Sight knows that I’m a blogger and since he was ballsy enough to have posted something for the readers to see, he better believe the “other” side of him might be shared as well.  It’s shame that I can now say the reason for my singledom is because of men JUST LIKE HIM.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

There is NOTHING like a woman scorned!

pissed

 

Is it just the women who seem to lose their flipping minds when they find out their significant other is fooling around?  Maybe not, but let’s just say this – we are certainly the ones more likely to let the entire world know when we have been done wrong.

I came across this on Facebook earlier today and man, it brought back some memories:

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If you want the full story, check it out herehttp://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/06/03/girlfriends-amazing-break-up-letter-goes-mega-viral-everything-elseis-at-kelsis-house/

Hmm.. talk about a flashback.

The story of the man I just knew I was destined to be with has yet to be shared on My Dating Hangovers, but believe me- it’s a good one.  Mr. Jekyll was his name and his dumb ass did something no man or woman should ever do if you’re doing dirty – check “Yes” when asked if you want to the computer to remember your password.  Especially if you’re using your girlfriend’s computer.

While I didn’t play the hide and seek game with Mr. Jekyll’s personal belongings,  in my blinded fury, I did post a confession from him for all 800 of his Facebook friends to see.

The moral behind this letter and my brief excerpt? Don’t fuck with a person’s feelings or heart and while these types of actions will not change the situation,  they can certainly offer some feel good moments and satisfaction.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

He’s Getting Closer but…

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Nervousness, excitement and that tingling feeling and a host of other emotions is what I’m feeling right now which seems a little strange because I’ve already met Out of Sight who in just a few short days, will be back in California and this time for good.

I’m so happy and can’t wait to give him the biggest hug and some of the longest and wettest kisses possible, and find myself just smiling at the thought of him.  Hmmm, what a refreshing feeling.

Having stepped outside of my comfort zone of local only encounters and allowing a nearly 4-month friendship (guess that is what I call this “thing”) with someone out of states seems to be paying off, and I’m looking forward to things flourishing.  The two of us have had a chance to learn so much about each other and I’m not a believer that it’s true about absence making the heart grow fonder.  When you’re limited and not able to simply jump in the car and see someone in an instant, the way you communicate and how you do it makes a world of difference and fortunately Out of Sight hasn’t faltered too bad.

Since we met a few weeks ago, he has dropped off in contacting me a bit and while I can certainly understand how stressful and tiring a major relocation is, I still called him out on his shit and reminded this man that developing a pattern then deviating from it doesn’t sit well with certain people.  Especially women.   Busy or not, we all have to take a break to eat, walk to or from your car, poop or have some other break in a 24 hour period where you can take a FEW moments to send a quick text if a telephone call isn’t convenient.  Being a parent, career woman, student and person with a busy social calendar, I can certainly understand what busy means but come on, it’s not rocket science.  A simple text a day is sufficient for me even if it just says “Hello, have a good day and we’ll talk tonight…” and after a few days of me backing off a little with my attempts to reach out, he got the message loud and clear.

This has definitely been an interesting learning process and again, we have been learning so much about each other – both the good and the bad. By the way, have I mentioned that all things considered, this man is simply amazing?  Good-looking, smart and witty, caring, funny and full of life and what I really love about him has to be the go getter/get the job done type of attitude.  This all sounds lovely yet still there’s a bit of trepidation.  As with any situation between a man and a woman, we have our doubts because and mine have to do with Out of Sight’s actions.  Is he going to act like the man I’ve grown to really care for or will he be ke those “vacation” types of romances where people seem to change after buzz wears off.  All I can do is have a little faith and hope, right?

I’m hoping he doesn’t get here and completely lose his mind reverting back to how many of us were living our lives in our 20’s, meaning the decade absence from a place chopped full of exciting lifestyles, nightlife and of course a bevy of beautiful and exotic women. Something we’ve talked about is how we might be on two different tracks in life right now because I’ve been there, done that – all of the partying is pretty much out of me, rarely do I hang out late and the mission for me is to settle down and work on my family.  On the flip side, Out of Sight was in a boring marriage and lived in a place where the most exciting events were tornadoes and the occasional holiday cookout.  We’ll just have to see how he adjusts to the new life in La-La Land.  I care a lot for him and just don’t want to be the fool who has been building something with someone for months, who has no intentions of considering or pursuing anything else.

Something else I’m hoping is that he isn’t that much of a workaholic that I find myself in another situation as with Rescue, the first time around where I created a new phrase known as the “single girlfriend”.  Besides just wanting to spend time and make sure that what we have isn’t just a telephone call only type of compatibility, but I need to make sure he’s not sooooooo busy that he isn’t able to share more of beautiful, yet rather large appendage between his legs.  Out of Sight says his sexual appetite matches up to where mine is (yes ladies, if you’re getting it good you will want it more and more) so I’ll be looking forward to him being able to deliver.

Oh – I forgot to mention a little something last time as I may only have alluded to something having occurred when he was down a few weeks ago, but that’s a different post for some other time. Let me just say that the three instances  we were able to squeeze into a 24-hour period were pretty spectacular and left me wanting more and more.  It wasn’t planned, but when he kissed me with some of the softest lips – it was all she wrote.  Besides me sharing the details from our first of many intimate encounters,  I have to answer a question one of my girlfriends asked that I didn’t have an answer for at the time- who was better- Hope OR Out of Sight?

I’m getting a little carried away talking about this one but this goes to show how much of an impression this man has had on me but perhaps he’s underestimating my feeling for him, and is playing the cool dude role encouraging me to date.  I raised an eyebrow when he first told me this and his reasoning is he figures since I love to write, precious writing material would be lost if I stopped dating “before he got here”.  Huh?  He must have fallen on his head and anyone else who thinks I only continue to subject myself to the abuse of dating to have blogging material.  Let me make this perfectly clear – I would rather be settled down with a person with great potential than having a dating blog to generate a few shits and giggles.

Like I said, we’ll see how everything plays out and while Out of Sight was seemingly okay with dating, his opinion changed a bit when he started hearing more about this second guy…

Island Boy and I  have now had a total of three dates with another in the works for tonight,  and as I attempted to explain to Out of Sight (yep, he knows about him), he’s a nice person.   There aren’t any glaring red flags on why I shouldn’t keep going out with him but at the same time I’m not exactly doing cartwheels and feeling all giddy when I get a call or text from him.  He is very nondescript and a little hard to read which leaves me wondering if the calm,  cool and collective demeanor of an intellect with two distinct personalities, who is just catching a break from a bit of ex-wife drama is a good fit for me.  Yet there are other times when the edgy Belizean flavor of Island Boy comes out so I guess it’s just a matter of dealing with that “other” dude as well.

Again, we’ll have to see how things progress starting with tonight’s date.  By the way, we still haven’t kissed aside from a peck on the lips and two departing smacks on the cheek each time so he’s either a very slow mover or….

There you have it…. I’m happy that Out of Sight is getting closer but haven’t given up on considering other options until  gets settled in to see what may come of this “thing”.  Then there’s another man who says he’s interested in me, is trying to court me regularly and has me pegged as relationship material, but isn’t really generating a lot of excitement.  I’m not to the point of being torn because I know who I want, but will play things carefully.

It’s been over a year since I’ve been single again and I’ve encountered so many imposters presenting themselves as men who were ready to get out of the dating game, but they weren’t for real or ready.  Still, I’ll keep trying to get that right fit and avoid the many distractions coming at me from former hangovers.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…
Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

Enron

 

As of a few moments ago, I just canceled my second date with Enron only he doesn’t know it yet. You’ll notice that this post doesn’t have a title because hell, I’m a little conflicted on what it should be.

While I always said the direct approach is the best way of letting someone know you’re not interested, I may have to do a gradual phase out of this one.

Let me just say that Enron is an amazingly interesting man. He had my mind enthralled with his initial message to me, and after the second reply something struck me that said “These words are too good to be true”. I have said time and time again how the words that a man writes or the ones that come out of his mouth are highly regarded. If he appears to be nice looking online and is the same in person, I am smitten.

Within a few hours, Enron and I were speaking on the phone covering everything a variety of topics, and you know how easy it is to get hooked when the first conversation goes really well. You know what I mean? When there is none of that uncomfortable silence, awkward moments if someone talks about something in the red zone, or has one of those lifeless demeanors?

Here’s the skinny on Enron:

– 28 years old, 5’9, very nice looking profile photos and an amazing “About Me” section, highly intelligent, well traveled and cultured. He attended UC Berkley for a while so yes, he’s fifty shades of fucked up!

Don’t judge me on the age. Since I’m not yet 40 years-old, I would be considered a bobcat and not a cougar.

– Divorced, 1 child, owns and operates 3 businesses, only child, adopted, mother died when he was very young, estranged relationship from adopted father. Admitted to me yesterday that as I had suspected, he has abandonment issues.

I’m getting ahead of myself, let me go back a bit.

So we clicked (yeah, don’t the majority of them in the beginning). Our discussion covered everything from funny profiles, being raised in Beverly Hills THEN South Central LA, traffic, human weaving hair, aftermarket auto performance parts, a possible move to France, and pirating software.

Oh yes, you read those last two right and the move to France is a direct correlation to the software hustle.

While I certainly appreciate his candidness with me, I ended that conversation going to bed like “Hell to the god damn no!!!!”. But I’ll be damn if I didn’t talk to him the next day and the day after that, while I was on vacation, when I returned and went on our first date on Monday.

Why? I really can’t offer a real explanation but one reason for me continuing to deal with him after his “I now have a felony for…” I was kind of impressed with Enron’s level of intelligence. He’s basically a computer nerd but has a survival instinct that is out of this world. The man could sell ice in hell, so even though he has two legitimate businesses, he would always have a back up plan should things run dry.

We both agreed that the majority of the planet would be clueless on how to make money if they lost their jobs, simply because they are complacent and comfortable with the paycheck.

Another reason why I kept talking to him, aside from him saying all of the things a woman could possibly want to hear is sheer curiosity.

I have never been involved with someone who had that type of past, or at least I didn’t know about it. Yes, there have been the men who might have done a few months over something stupid from their teenage years, unpaid tickets and the like but the type of stuff he did?

I can’t recall exactly what so it likely involved a computer, but he was court marshaled while serving in the navy in San Diego. Hmm, I wonder if he and Special Agent met? The recent episode was near Christmas when he became Microsoft’s most wanted, which landed him in the pokey for 2 weeks, restitution and a shitload of community service.

A possible third reason- blog material or maybe the mind set that people make mistakes. I really can’t say, but I think I’ve been giving him a pass because he got caught doing things most people do everyday. So yes, Enron is smart but obviously not smart enough NOT to get caught or not smart enough to just be on the up and up. Hasn’t anyone learned from the other white collar criminals who have been caught?

There is so much to say about this hangover and that day as we enjoyed a delectable Italian lunch, I was actually able to learn some valuable investment tips and so much more. Yet, over the last couple of days my “to hell with this” mentality kicked back in.

So while lounging at the pool today, sharing the details with my friend Kimora, I realized this isn’t going any further for the following reasons:

1. He’s a felon. I’m not judging and yes, mistakes happen but who’s to say he won’t continue his alternatives to supplement his income?

2. He’s too damn smart. I don’t think I could ever trust him. I would either be worried about him hacking into my pc or something crazy like re-routing my direct deposit or something.

3. He’s damaged goods. Not only is his background eerily similar to Full Metal Jacket’s (I know I have mentioned this name a few times and promise, HIS story is coming soon). My book will delve into my theory of how men who lost their mothers early OR never got over their loss later in life OR are estranged from the woman who birthed them, are seriously messed up.

4. He is too needy and would not only be up under me at every waking moment, he will surely have moments of solemness and loneliness when he can’t see me.

As much as I want to meet and settle down with the right one, it will NOT be at any cost.

So…. With all of the above being said, perhaps you’ll understand why I couldn’t come up with a better title. Here are a few ideas that crossed my mind:

“She Dated a Felon”
“At Least It Wasn’t Drugs”
“The Needy Criminal”
“Abandonment Issues & Men”
“Men With Fucked Up Lives”
“This Is Why I’m Single”

I don’t get it. I had a man like Brooklyn who rely had his shit together and was really good on paper. Yet he was unattractive and came on way too strong and became needy and smothering before we even met. Several text messages a day about how badly he needed to meet and be with me is just too much.

I meet a man like Enron who is good on paper as long as you don’t do a fingerprint or background check, but was very honest and upfront about his past. We met once and he was hooked, and hasn’t even sniffed my vagina. Planning “our future” with his step-child and “our” child within 2 weeks of meeting. Several text messages a day about how badly he needs to see me, or about how he misses me and again, is just too much.

Where is the balance? It has to exist, it just has to.

Meanwhile I have Rescue calling and texting two days away, taunting me with visions of his tongue attacking my clitoris but fortunately, I was strong enough to decline.

Maybe being alone isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
Myhangovers@gmail.com

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

How I’m Handling Being Uninterested

As frustrated as I may be with the dating scene and the failure of past relationships, I still have some compassion buried inside. I feel a little bad for how things have ended with Brooklyn’s Finest, but a part of me feels that the situation was handled in a fairly decent manner. My infamous “Take Care” text finalized things with this one who, based on us noting having met, probably isn’t a certifiable hangover.

Being respectful of a person’s time, energy and effort is one of my good traits. Why waste BF’s time?

This man was saying and doing all that a man should if he’s interested in a woman and importantly, wants her to know. The problem is that he was doing too much, too soon.

I’ve tried to wrap my mind around the possibility of someone being so enamoured by me after 3 or 4 conversations (none lasting more than 30 minutes), several text messages, and some online photos. Having decided to delete his profile by day 3 of contact, telling me I was “the one” and sending too many messages saying he was thinking of me was just too much. Hell, I can’t tell if BF’s strong approach was more of a turn off than my reservations about his appearance was. Now you certainly can’t fault the man for recognizing he had come across an attractive, intelligent, and exciting woman (shoulder patting myself), but come on son- why in the world wasn’t HE taking notice that my words and sentiments weren’t being reciprocated?

When BF said “You are beautiful”, I replied “Aw, thank you”.

If he said “Your skin is flawless in your photos”, I replied “You have a great smile”.

After he said “I have faith in you, in us and I can’t wait to make you mine”, I replied “Easy tiger, let’s meet each other first.”

By the fourth day he tells me “I just told my brother and a co-worker about you again, and I’m already planning our next dates, I thought “My friend is trying to convince me that you’ll look completely different in person and I will feel attracted to you”. See, I wasn’t leading him on at all.

So again, did he seem too eager or was I simply unable or unwilling to set aside the feeling I had when looking at his photos over and over and over again.

Whichever the case, by Saturday afternoon I had stopped responding to his text messages. When BF said he opted for teaching during the summer ALL day on a Saturday meant he had nothing else to do, I realized he would be the type of man who wanted to consume ALL of my time as a filler. After he said teaching classes all day was because he had nothing else to do. BF replied soon after that “Pitiful, I know” and ended with another “Thinking of you” text. Nothing more; I stopped replying and did not return any phone calls.

Sunday rolls around and I’m feeling an amazing sense of relief because…. He hadn’t text or called. Monday comes, still nothing. I am fucking e-l-a-t-e-d. He gets it and I don’t feel as bad knowing that this man was really ready to make plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas, along with making room for my car in his garage. Since I knew his special date was planned for today, I just wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding, so I crafted a carefully worded text message and sent it yesterday afternoon. Yes, yes – texting is being used nowadays for sending information that is best for an actual telephone call, but no thanks, I’ll avoid the awkwardness of that kind of discussion.

What is the best way of handling this type of situation and cancelling a first meeting and date? Lie, lie and lie.

A part of me wanted to tell him that he came on too strong, far too soon. At least that way he would know why he has had such a difficult time with online dating. Instead I sent a chicken shit message that said:

“Hi there BF, I’m sure you’ve noticed I have stopped communicating with you. I’ve realized these last couple of days that my life is too hectic right now. I’m sorry, I just don’t have time for anything else. I hope you are able to find a partner for tomorrow’s cruise”. Take care, Carmen.”

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Guest Post: Dishonest Men, Jaded Women

I’m ready to lay Special Agent’s story to rest in the archives. Thank you all for the text messages, BBM’s, emails and posts in response to “Dishonest Men, Jaded Women. Several of you who choose not to comment here on the blog seem to feel that my reaction was a little too nonchalant, not angry enough, no signs of “slash that fool’s tires”. Trust me when I say this, I was over dealing with him at 4am Saturday morning before all of this went down. The next woman who doesn’t understand his brush off, special assignments or mood swings and has to Google “how to date an asshole” can deal with him and SHE can snap.

No, he wasn’t anyone that I could ever really consider a friend because he wasn’t man enough to be up front me, so allowing him back into my life, I’ll take the fall for that.

However, I will NOT take the blame for having dealt with a man lying about his status- that is a character issue, not a Carmen issue.

Now, with that being said…I decided to take a particularly detailed comment from a subscriber named Ginger Ann. She’s a happily married woman who’s been through the bullshit, trials and tribulations before being blessed to have met a good man.

What I like about her is that she bounces these issues off of the mind of her man and tells it like it is (though sometimes she may go a little too hard). Still, Ginger genuinely expresses either extreme pity for me or sincere hope that the day comes when the hangovers are no more.

Ginger Ann, you’re on!

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Happy Monday Carmen,

I don’t know if your ears have been burning or not, but you have definitely been a topic of the day.

A couple of things to follow up on my last comments:

First of all, as women We Teach a Man How to Treat Us….

This is a part of me that feels sorry and embarrassed for you and these women; but at the same time we were not shocked by what happened, just HOW it happened.

You asked the rhetorical question: “Why his words didn’t line up with his actions?”

I ask you the same question- If you and Special Agent kept using the words “Friends” and “No expectations”, then why were you making a 2 hr drive and I quote to “Get your back blown out” and “Give award winning head” to a “friend.”?

What were you expecting to happen?

I honestly do think on some level Special Agent considered you a friend but you were never going to be upgraded.

When reading back to your first post about him and then a few posts before this one, the man knew you for 2 years and at no time past your initial encounter did he ever pursue you for a relationship. That is unless I’ve missed something.

So tell me this – why waste your time even being friends especially with the way he handled you just a few months prior? I mean just really; just because a man sends you a few text messages, emails or makes a few telephone calls from time to time does not make him good.

For you and any other women, we have to be smarter than that.

Regardless of the fact you found out about this supposed main woman and any others, Special Agent let you know that his respect level for you is minimal if existent at all. When he told you “You’re right, I don’t know what I want” you finally got it right which is code for “It definitely ain’t you”.

How about adding another sting to this equation?

While you are laying in his bed he then talks about any men you have been dating or involved with sexually, and adds that he has no problems with it. Yes, another code for “I don’t give a shit who you’re with”.

Finally, to stomp the grave and he wanted you to drive to him to continue “Friendly fuck*ing”.

Talk about a low-down, dirty mothfuc*er.

I’m just shocked you didn’t leave right then and there.

Carmen, this man gave you all the signs.

He liked you at a basic level, may have even enjoyed your company, but at the end of the day, your “friend” felt like you were nothing more than (as you put it), something to do.

You settled.

Listen, I’m sure that you will probably say it was your choice and you are exactly right. So again, look at the character of this slimy dude who, not to be out done when you texted him, had the nerve to use your own words against you by replying about having no expectations.

Chile – I would have Snapped and THEN smoked a cigarette.

I know that was a long first point, but I also have another…

Women set your standards and make a man meet them, not the other way around.

Finally, as for Miss on again/off again, I don’t care if he mentioned marriage and her in the same sentence in front of “God himself”- he is not and will not be marrying this woman.

She is an a relationship with him.

Period.

After sixteen long years and now all of sudden he realizes SHE is the one? He has 2 kids and I’m going to go out on a limb and that she isn’t the mother. I’m wondering if he has more than 1 baby mama; wouldn’t surprise me.

Add in the live in girlfriend who moved on just 2 months ago, and now Miss on again is just Googling how to handle him? Why? Well, because he was probably telling her the same things he was telling you.

Sounds like a pretty smart woman to me (insert sarcasm here). Just so I’m getting this straight, instead of talking to her future husband about their issues she is on the internet. So like I said before someone needs more People.

I can’t help but go back to him trying to set up regular visits with you, so where does this woman live that he would even think like that? Or maybe he just knows that she is a fool and wants him bad. Hell, she stayed around for that long, she IS a Dumb Broad (Yeah, I said it even if she is reading-No pity).

Special Agent is bold….I give him this, and he deals with the insecure.

Honey, I don’t care how good his job may be, how cute he is or how good the dick is, with the way he slinging it …it will fall off soon enough.

I truly hope you meant it when you say that you are done with this man. No texting, phone calls, emails or Facebook friends. Be done with this loser.

Sidebar to this type of situation is something one girlfriend experienced. She was cheated on by her man and not only remained friends with the man, but kept him as a Facebook friend. This woman said she was scared to lose him and let go and even my husband told her that she NEVER had him, so why was she still hanging.

This comment is for Tania: You’re right, women do stay with cheating men or “try to stay” and guess what the men do?

Leave these women for one that has standards and won’t put up with his bullshit. At least that is exactly what my friend’s ex did and some of my husbands old friends did as well. Something to think about for women who want to stick it out and deal.

Here’s the sad part about all of this- Special Agent will commit to a woman, just not none of the ones that he is currently “involved” with or shall I say stringing/giving them enough to stay interested or think “Maybe”.

He seems to have an MO. That goes something like this…

.”I can’t date you right now, but lets be friends…act like we a together when I see you and maybe I will make you believe that from time to time just to get you off by back…if I kinda like you.”

Yeah, that’s the Asshole!

Its either the one that got away before this mess broke out or a new woman who holds him to standards that will get this “Gem” and I roll my eyes so hard!!!!!

We will never know the whole story but I hope you heal and are able to move on.

*Drops the mic*

Ginger Ann

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