Reappearing Act Gone Wrong

It’s amazing how men think they can just disappear and pop back into your life like it’s nothing.  But this hangover thought wrong and caught me on the sober end of taco Tuesday.

Grab your headphones and get ready to LISTEN to a raw and UNEDITED explanation of why I sent that venomous text in my last post.

This is my first time trying a podcast style post, so don’t judge me.

I was pissed.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9Z8h58LxeVOWXFfSmRHWTNkazg/view?usp=drivesdk

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Shit or Get Off The Pot

It’s been a loooooong time coming, but finally my time has come around again.   After the last conversation Papi and I had, we both resolved that the feelings we had (albeit confusing) needed to be dealt with.

“After so many years, how could we not have some strong emotions” he said somewhat emphatically.    He’s so right and after quite a few years, I’m finally on the same page with a man.

We both realized it was worth a shot trying something that was beyond the sex. We spent a lot of time talking about what our ideal companion looked like and conceded that we were likely looking right at it- in one another.

It’s amazing how I rarely will take a leap of faith without any second guessing and with him, I’m doing just that.  In fact, he wasn’t out the door more than five minutes before I went online and canceled my dating account.  Now here I am thinking of what’s to come and while only time will tell if there’s anything here, if we’ll revert back to cut buddies only or worse, nothing at all.

I might be getting closer.

But wait…..

There’s just one thing- this isn’t exactly what’s going on with us since my last update because in reality, not a fucking thing has transpired after our little chat.  Not a word, conversation, text and I do mean nothing, nada, zilch.

Let me tell you what did happen.

Papi said what he had to say, I said what I had to say.  I asked him why he never ever said anything to me about his current “state of confused emotions” and most importantly, why he never ever mentioned anything to me about how he’s felt in the past.

He said he figured it was just best to keep it to himself and not rock the boat, which is how we’ve been able to carry on like this for so long.  He just kept feelings to himself and since I never gave any green lights that said “Go”, he figured he would stay in his lane.

Blank stare.

I probably stood there glaring at him in disbelief before finally responding “What the hell?  You never gave me any signals or indication that you wanted anything but the red light so how would I have known?”

I wanted to know why he never asked if I was involved with someone whenever we struck up another round and after all of these years, why hadn’t he mentioned that he was even remotely interested.  He said he didn’t want to hear about my involvement with another man and I told him to a woman this translates into you not giving a shit about anything else.

I told him I wasn’t a mind reader and that if he was interested, he should have just said what he needed to say and deal with it.  This went on and on for a few rounds and eventually he starts laughing and tells me “Damn Carmen, you sound just like a man with some of the things you’re saying to me”.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told something like this which further proves that my innate ways of saying or doing the types of ridiculous things most men are guilty of doing are right on the mark.

Papi recognized this and it made me wonder if he’s used to being the one on the other side of the fence.  We realized we weren’t getting anywhere and besides, it was already late at night so we bid our farewells and he was out the door which takes me back to the beginning of this post – the fact that nothing in the last two and a half weeks has transpired since that night.

We kind of left the “state of confused emotions” hanging for the past two and a half weeks but the art of practicing avoidance isn’t one of my strong points.

I would much rather face things head on and deal with the outcome, whether it’s to my satisfaction or not and although we had a quick session last week, I haven’t said anything else and neither has he. A few months ago I made the comment about knowing why I was single and not understanding what his deal was, someone who was seemingly such a great catch.

Yet after a few discussions about his interaction with different people such a particular co-worker and more importantly, his ex-wife, one thing jumped out at me.

His style of communication which was in his own words, not always received very well adding that he had been told many times that he came off as being condescending and not giving two shits about much of anything.

Okay, perhaps avoidance of issues is just how he rolls but that is so different from me.  I would much rather hear something standard of these kinds of men like “I’m just not in a position to offer you anything more” than nothing at all.

If there’s anyone out there willing to explain to me how things should work from here with this sexual relationship while we’re trying to ignore the elephant in the room, I’m all ears but my inner instinct is telling me exactly what should happen from here.

I need to resolve that I’ve arrived at that time in my life where I need to stop allowing this man to be my eternal back up plan.

That’s what he has always been because any time I’ve been in between relationships and the dating prospects haven’t been too serious, he has been there ready to provide and fulfill my needs but it’s never been for anything more than just sex.

There’s no specific explanation I can provide for why it took me this long to catch feelings.  18 years.

I can only guess that it was my turning 40 and having one of the most definitive ideas of what I’m looking for in a man.  Or maybe I can guess again that it was due to my lack of involvement with any real distractions (men).   Hell, I can even guess that once our intimate interactions took a turn, we began to explore each other’s boundaries a lot more, things got really intense and intense the hormones became confused with emotions.

Whichever the case, it’s not something that fits into any logical place for me and I would be lying if I said we could just carry on like usual is a possibility.  I think it’s just time to move on and this time – it needs to be for good.

It makes me wonder if I should have said anything to him at all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

The 18 Year Situation

There’s something that happens when a woman is feeling really sexy and it could be something as simple as that dress fitting just right around her hips, those new stilettos or that new red lipstick.

We feel as if we need to be seen by everyone and it could mean a night out with the girls or a night in with a man. This evening it was just the thought of him and since I was feeling particularly frisky before getting dressed, the bad girl in me decided to take a photo or two. It wasn’t anything sleazy or something I would be ashamed of if that text message I was sending to him ended up in the wrong hands, but it was just enough. 

A simple message was attached asking “What time are we off work tonight” and when he replied “Damn, not soon enough but on time tonight without any curve balls.  I can’t wait to bathe in your hormones”.

Papi always comes back with the right answer and as he reminded me several days ago his “moves are usually in synergy” with what I like, hence the reason we have never had a falling out or disagreement in our 18 year history.

We have been consistently inconsistent with one another and while it doesn’t seem as if it’s been that long, I remember our first encounter right after graduating from college in 1998. I was the young and mouthy chick who thought she was pretty experienced, but he quickly and effortlessly showed me that I was a glorified amateur. Whatever it took to satisfy ME when it came to intimacy has been this man’s goal from day one and when I say he has never failed me between the sheets, I mean never. 

How many people can honestly say they’ve been with someone who can satisfy you with mind blowing sex each and every time? Go ahead and think about it, I’ll wait.Sexual_Chemistry_cover0So while I’m telling my girlfriend over drinks about my needing to sneak away from the group a little early she asks the same thing several others have asked – why haven’t we tried anything else besides the fucking?

She could tell how much respect I have for him and knew I had to care for this man in some way, but couldn’t understand how he could seem like the completed package and we haven’t progressed to anything else.   I replied that we gave it a shot at something else during a daytime outing (and only once) many years ago, and it was one of the most awkward dates ever. Uncomfortable silence among two great conversationalists is just mind blowing but that’s what happened. We just stared across the table at each other and finally started laughing before “we tried, back to business as usual” and that we.

After hearing all of this she just shakes her head in amazement and tells me “That’s your husband; you guys are in a sexual marriage”.

Hearing someone clearly define this situation using words other than friend with benefits or fuck buddy was pretty damn amazing to me. I would have never thought of it that way but realizing the extent of history (and not just the sexual exploration over the years) I’ve had with Papi I realized she’s right and at the same time, remembered that NO other man will ever be able to do the one thing he has done – he was involved with me before I had a child (flawless body), while I was with child (it was over with the father sooner than later) and now after my child (stretch marks and some extra pounds).

Throughout all of the life experiences he has never wavered or broken his pattern of consistency with me when it came to the intimate moments. 

Never.

Now we can fast forward to the last two months and now Papi and I have been more on than off, mainly because I haven’t really had any interest in finding someone for anything more meaningful. Sure, there’s the occasional date here and there but these men just don’t seem to do it for me so the desire and effort is minimal at best. While this seems as if my existence in the online world is nothing more than something to do, the bigger concern I have is whether I’m just really messed up and confused about what I really want and may have turned into one of those women who doesn’t care about anything else or I’m in denial.

Is it possible for you to have relations with someone for this long of a time without having any desire for anything more or better yet – not have strong feelings or even be in love?

What’s wrong with me or what’s wrong with him?

Guess I’m going to need to let those thoughts marinate a bit but just a little because we all know that once a woman starts thinking about things, she normally changes the dynamics from stable to chaotic.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

P.S. If you’re subscribed to emails and want to view images and anything else, go on and click this link for more of the hangovers!

 

 

The Representative

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Sometimes I really wished my levels of perception were dialed down from a level 10 to maybe a 2. Maybe if my instincts about certain situations with these hangovers weren’t so on point, then perhaps I wouldn’t be struggling so much in trying to find my guy.  Translation – I should either ignore a lot of shit and be as naïve as a lot of women and just suck it up.  

The problem is that the thought of doing this aches me to the core of my soul, because it just isn’t in me to ignore the obvious. I guess th is all means the man I’m supposed to be with is being tucked away somewhere until my mid-50’s or something but for now, any possibility with Out of Sight is OUT OF SIGHT.

It’s a done deal and thankfully it only took me six months to realize that the person he portrayed himself to be was nothing more than a façade of who he really was.  I had been dealing with the representative who in a series of rants by text message and even a comment right here on my blog, had shown me that he was definitely not my guy.    

Just shameful I tell you because he was a great person who was fun to be around and all that jazz BUT everything goes to hell if you’re a woman who gets involved romantically with him.  I’ve said time and time again that there are some people that should not date and Out of Sight is definitely one of them but because he’ll meet woman after woman after woman who finds the same traits that he possesses so appealing as I had. This man will continue the revolving door of misery until he fixes himself.  

I don’t just say these things to put myself in the light of glory, but seriously – when people say “It’s not you, it’s me”, there is a 99.99999999% chance, it really is them.

The bottom line after months of involvement I learned that the representative had finally turned control over to him when he revealed that he was a cluster-fuck of emotional baggage that have been ongoing for many years before his marriage and divorce, dating back to what he witnessed and experienced with family and other relationships. The real Out of Sight finally admitted that he had been leading me on from day one, telling me that his intentions were never right.

Just as I had suspected and what’s so sad with all of this coming out he still thought that my disappointment stemmed from him NOT wanting to rush into a relationship, when in reality he wasn’t capable of realizing that (1) having an online dating profile that says “Serious Relationship” means just that to the reader and (2) half of a year isn’t rushing a damn thing.  Oh yes, definitely all his issues and it feels good to get it in writing that Carmen isn’t the problem here and you’ll see why I’m saying this in just a moment.

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The cracks in this man’s foundation began slowly and subtly before he arrived here in California which then turned into pieces of plaster falling off the wall, and even with the numerous outs I gave him to just tell me what he doesn’t want or where he wasn’t interested in going, he never took them. So you know what happens then, right?  A resolution that the two people who aren’t on the same page that could end peacefully without any hard feelings ends with messages like “Fine Carmen, I have granted your request and deleted all of your contact information.  I won’t contact you again….”  

Narcissistic indeed because I don’t understood why he felt the need to send a message that he had finally accepted I wanted nothing to do with him.

There is plenty to tell about how things all went down and if I put everything all in the same post, it would make for an incredibly long scroll bar while reading. Our situation quickly escalated from good during a mid-week lunch meet up at his job, to mass confusion and not-so-good when he overreacted to something I said as I was leaving and finally, to straight up ugly after he felt the need to post a public service announcement on my blog.  In what really seemed like more of an appeal for sympathy of his situation instead of simply sharing his feelings with me, here is what Out of Sight posted* on the last blog entry (*Original and actual content with grammar edits):

Out Of Sight says:28 August, 2013 at 8:36 pm

Carmen, I find it hard to understand how you could walk away from someone you claim to care deeply for just because the pace that CARMEN wants things done in are different from his.

For a person who’s never been married, has dated for a few years and has pretty much everything in line with her life, how could you not possibly understand a man that’s been divorced for barely 2 years, decided to make a life changing move to a totally different state all to start a new life less than 90 days ago.

How could I not possibly be ready to jump right into a relationship? Riiight!

Why not take time to figure out if this is right for me on so many levels. I mean California is the land of the hustle and the home of the barely hanging on. Why would I want to possibly take the time and make sure that I have a stable foundation in a city and state where most people are one check away from losing everything they have ever attained?

Now as far as other prospects being compared to me? Maybe that’s because I’m the most open and honest guy to date. I have never lied to you about anything and I’m always open about my feelings. Maybe it’s because you and I have a lot in common and I don’t put up with BS from you or anyone.

Maybe it’s because family is important to a man like me and all the things that has happened to me in the past 90 days would be rough on anyone.

How about because I have a good heart and believe in a strong foundation in any relationship. Yes, I could jump into a relationship half ass but what would that accomplish? I mean really!!!

Look… For those who haven’t figured out this post, I AM Out of Sight and I love Carmen.

I think she is the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but as a man I will take my time and not be rushed into any situation.

So rebound guy (who’s probably has never had a relationship longer than 5 years and has never been married) needs to know that Carmen should be were your search for the perfect woman ends.

She deserves someone who is willing to fit into her life like a puzzle and not come with a lot of baggage. She’s ready for the next step in her life and where she’s trying to go, I’ve already been.

So as much as I’m ready to be back in a situation, it has to be right on both ends. I will not go through struggles, fights, displacement, arguing, or even divorce again. That’s all the bull crap that comes with RUSHING into a relationship without becoming friends first. Trust me; the next relationship will last until death do us part.  So…

Until there’s a cure!~Out Of Sight

After he sends me a text message letting me know he had just finished posting something on my blog and figuring I was some kind of pansy not willing to approve it, I read it and was likely the most annoyed that he would use my moniker of “Until there’s a cure” which really seemed like he was taking a jab.  

The nerve of this dude and if I wasn’t already seeing red because of the manner in which he decided to say all of this, it became painfully clear that he takes absolutely no responsibility for his own actions and was trying to paint me as the woman trying to force or rush things.

Perhaps he should have gone back through his text message or even voicemail log to refresh his memory that I wasn’t trying to rush anything but merely wanted him to be up front about his intentions with me, that’s it.  Why is it so hard for a person to understand that if you start out saying one thing, acting a certain way only to change direction is confusing and frustrating to the other person?

You better believe there was dialogue about all of this and finally, it seemed as if the two of us were on the same page and in agreement that being friends without any actions that even resembled dating was the extent of what we needed.  That is until a day later, I receive a text message that begins with “I want to apologize to you…”  I have to admit that even now, some three weeks later, I’m still in amazement of how someone could go from one extreme to the next while bringing religious hypocrisy to a whole new level.

Somehow I’m going to share what happens next without giving a word for word account but hey – at least Out of Sight knows that I’m a blogger and since he was ballsy enough to have posted something for the readers to see, he better believe the “other” side of him might be shared as well.  It’s shame that I can now say the reason for my singledom is because of men JUST LIKE HIM.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

Situationville

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How many of you can relate to that title?  One simple word that basically means you are involved in one of those situations that really should NOT exist.You’re dealing with a man or woman, but there is no commitment, no relationship exists.   He or she is more than a friend, but more significant than a friends with benefits.  The two of you have a real connection, strong feelings and passion. Yet still, you’re undefined and technically unattached to each other.

It’s funny how many people, especially men seem to think that a commitment is all about a title when it is so much more.  So instead of moving on to something new there are many of us that find ourselves settling (whether we call it that or something else) which leads us to these horribly confusing dwellings called  Situationville.

A good friend of mine just introduced me to the term during a discussion as I was trying to convince her not to do the one thing she doesn’t need right now – an online dating experience.  For some strange reason once we’ve ended a situation or had a particularly messy break-up, we  run to the nearest dating web site in hopes of meeting that pain killer, some poor man or woman unknowingly about to step into a pile of emotional shit.   All because we are looking for someone to “keep us busy” or “take our mind off things”.   This girlfriend has had more than her fair share of disappointing dealings with men, but this recent one?  All bad and the poor thing is crazy in love creating even more of a cluster fuck of a situation, one of the messiest love octagons (triangle doesn’t seem descriptive enough).  She knows good and damn well that her feelings are very strong, emotions raw and that the man could send one text message alluding to some hope for a change, and in a matter of minutes he would be at her doorstep.  Yet she wants to date again even with me saying “Wait a little while, make sure that it is over” until I’m blue in the face.  The first guy out the gate has already began experiencing the aftermath of unfinished business and doesn’t even know it, so for now – since he’s admitted having come from Situationville as well, they figure it’s okay for them to start dating again.

Hmm…. I’m not so sure about that but who am I to talk because although my situation with Out of Sight is nowhere near as convoluted and messy as my dear friend’s, I haven’t exactly been preparing myself to be in the best position for dating someone new either.

It’s been about two weeks since I took him out to celebrate his birthday and what can I say – the night was absolutely wonderful but then again, whenever we get together, we always have a good time.  He arrived on time, dressed impeccably and greeted me at the door bearing a grin and some beautiful flowers; how nice is that to bring something for me even though it was his special day.  A few finishing touches on my outfit and we were out the door for dinner and a little dancing.

Chemistry, we have a ton of great chemistry and it isn’t just sexual which I’m thankful for.  I mean remember there were several months of us just talking and texting before we met each other, so we have had plenty of time to get to know each other without being in each other’s presence.  Quite naturally, when we are together the physical chemistry is off the charts. Someone asked me what was so different about this one that allowed me to step outside of my boundaries for dealing with men and I couldn’t answer specifically, but there are a couple of things that come to mind.

Out of Sight is quite the charmer, and is the type of man who can converse with ease around anyone, from the dinner conversation with the adorable older couple sitting to my left sharing their tales of travel from New York to the youngsters on his right visiting L.A. from Tennessee.   I could go on and on, but while he certainly has his flaws, there are plenty of good qualities that allow me to adore him so.  I mean, have you ever been around someone whose very presence and the simple things they can do such as laughing, can turn you on like no other?

Yes, that’s him so while I resisted the urge to cross my self-imposed boundaries of “just friends” that night, the next morning it was a wrap.  There’s just something about someone waking you up by kissing you softly on your neck, slowly down your back and working their mouth all the way down, using the tongue to dance with your erogenous zones.  Morning wood meets morning wetness and it’s a perfect union.

But…. at the end of the day, nothing has changed. I’m still at a point in life where the only way thing missing is a companion and he is at a point in life where everything else seems to be needed excepta companion.  What’s the problem with my love life?  Bad timing or the wrong man. Finally, I meet a man who seems to do it for me in so many areas but he doesn’t want to invest the time and energy for anything more; at least not anytime soon or the harsh possibility that perhaps it just will not be with me.  He tells me I’m spoiled and since I can’t have things when I want and how I want, I start acting out.  Okay, whatever because it sounds like double talk or more of a diversion to me.

The bigger problem is that on Monday night, we complicated things even more.  He was pissed that his placement in the friend zone was so aloof, and so cold with minimal contact from me and felt that wasn’t something he could handle.  I was accused of treating him like shit and eventually we nearly got to the point of writing each other off.   What doesn’t he understand here because  I would be a fool to continue carrying on with him as if we were lovers getting myself all caught up in a man who tells me right now he’s rebuilding life, so he needs to be in the place he’s been given.  Soon, the tone of the conversation became one of feigned indifference and the call ended.

Less than thirty minutes later, there’s a knock on my door and we stood face to face and we again arrived at the point where he tells me that he hated being emotionally attached and could not nor would he deal with my version of “friends”, which was about to end with him walking out of the door pissed off.Instead, we talked some more and he adds to this mess by saying “I love you, I love you I love you” and I only added to this mess by saying “I love you.”

In case you’re wondering what happens next? Nothing, not a damn thing because as much as this man can tell me how he feels, I will not be put in a position of having to take him by the hand to lead him on what should happen next.  If he needs time to work on himself, that’s cool – he can take all of the time needed and may end up finding someone else in the meantime but me?  I won’t settle and will not continue to blur the lines based on my own emotional attachment because it certainly isn’t fair to anyone I may meet in the meantime.

Welcome to my Situationville until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
Myhangovers@gmail.com

Pedal Slowly OR Just Stop?

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 “Damn Carmen, it sounds like you are further ahead with things than he is, so I’m not saying get rid of him altogether but you may need to just pedal slower and allow him time to catch up.  Then on the other hand, he’s acting like a man and telling you what you want to hear because if he’s realized you are that good of a woman, he’s not going to want to let go.  That’s the reality of the game.  I think you need to cut out the benefits so he doesn’t have his cake and eat it too because the way I see it is this – a real man will go after what he wants if he wants it bad enough instead of making up excuses about work and living situations.  Have YOU told him you didn’t want to deal with him for any of those reasons?  If not, then you have your answer on whether or not he’s playing games and simply wanting to play the field vs. a dude who wants to and is ready to settle down.  The bigger question is what’s his plan?  When does he plan on looking for a new place?  A man without a plan is a man with NO plan, get me?”

Yeah, I get you.

These wise words came from a married male co-worker who I’ve known for over 7 years, as I gave him that look of sheer  exasperation when he asked “Have you settled down yet?” and responded that I stop by his desk later for the abbreviated version of my situation with Out of Sight.  A situation that I honestly believed was a non-factor up until a week ago when he broke down and contacted me.  After three weeks of not speaking  or communicating otherwise, it had seemed as if my last message to him about me not being able to give without there being anything in return  had pretty much  sealed the deal that things between us were over.  He never contacted me again and while I had moments of wanting to fire off a few “Fuck you bastard, you wasted my time” messages or “You should never have started something you really had no intentions of finishing” type messages I hadn’t reached out to him either.

No, I had to refrain from doing the types of things that men EXPECT women to do when a situation goes south but to be honest – that time without any contact with this man who I got along with so marvelously, giving hope to what has been a hopeless situation in dating was needed.  I missed him terribly but after seeing him Sunday for a quick moment and again when he took me to lunch later during the week,  I feel like I’m just asking for trouble when in reality that chapter should have been finished.  It should be finished and instead of me wasting keystrokes talking about how emotions I tried to downplay have resurfaced, I should be talking about how nice the last two dates have been with Showtime.  This should be about a man who is a family man, who learned from the mistakes made in a 18-year marriage and who isn’t in the mindset after being single for over two years of needing to get out and “do him”.  Yet instead, it’s a post about me revisiting someone who should probably be left alone.

For the single men and women out there who are truly worth it and so deserving of a compatible significant other in their lives, how tired are you of hearing why you haven’t been married?  As a matter of fact, as I sat across the table from Out of Sight during lunch while he was complimenting me on how much of an amazing and beautiful woman I was, he asked (again) “How is it that you haven’t been married?” I blushed and thanked him for the kind words and simply said “The reality is that I keep wasting my time on men….” and he finishes my sentence by saying “Men like me is what you wanted to say, isn’t it?”  Well I guess the answer would be yet –  men like him.  What I can appreciate about him is he doesn’t get upset when we’re having these types of candid conversations where he’s being called out on something.  For instance, I asked if he minded me sharing my assumptions about why he’s really reluctant to get in a relationship he was totally open to it and surprisingly – agreed to most of what I was saying.

Baggage.  His issues and memories from bad experiences with women from dating early on, getting married and any women that came afterwards including a particularly frightening fatal attraction encounter.  Out of Sight admitted that he wasn’t trusting because women “change once they go from dating to relationship status” and that many were lying when they said they weren’t the needy type.  Yeah okay man, I hear you and we all have issues we need to work on to try avoiding the same mistakes made in our past but get over it because the fact remains is this – month two or even week one is when you should have simply stated “I’m not interested in anything serious and am not sure when I will be”.   It wasn’t just this same old song and dance that started to annoy me, but it was the fact that he took something I shared with him and basically used it as ammunition to make him not look like such the bad guy.  Out of Sight explains that based on what I said caused the demise of the relationship with Rescue (being in transition, starting over, didn’t have his own place etc…), the main reason why he hasn’t pressed the issue with us is because he knew I wouldn’t he happy with another situation that was so similar to what I had already been through.  He’s absolutely right but him basically using this as an excuse could only mean two things – (1) he listens and is carefully thinking about the situation or (2) he’s full of shit.

I recognize that there are a few flaws that need to be worked on within and one is that there really isn’t any grey in my life – everything is pretty much black or white, it is or it isn’t.  So when circumstances are such that there is confusion, I don’t like it and panic by making sure any casualties to MYSELF are either minimized or eliminated altogether.  After just a few days from our reunion my mind had been made up about how to deal with Out of Sight, and I called him with what I thought was the best way of dealing with each other.  Something that hasn’t really been present with any of the other hangovers is that the two of us had agreed a while back that no matter what, we wanted to salvage the great friendship that had been developed.  The only way this could happen (for me) is if we kept things purely platonic and in fact – the expectations or need for daily contact wasn’t needed;  we could simply maintain contact and catch up every now and then and this way, I wouldn’t end up resenting him later if I continued being intimate with him or heaven forbid, fell in love and found myself in one of those unrelationships months later.

Sadly, there are far too many women crazy situations and wasting time on certain types of men.  Those that aren’t all over the place in life and are actually very stable but just aren’t up front with their situations like the Special Agent’s  who claim to be single but have women from San Diego to Japan thinking they’re “the ones”, to those men who are struggling financially and shacked up with their parents with no real plan for improving their situation such as Hope to the ones who stop pedaling their bikes mid-way without letting the other party know that they just want to slow the bicycle down a bit like Out of Sight.

So now it’s just a question of whether my behavior modification suggestion can work so he doesn’t become a distraction to my dating efforts and I’m not being unfair to any new potentials while I have him lingering in the background.  This post should have been about Showtime and the two great dates we’ve had, along with our plans for the next outing.  I should have been saying how this new guy is interested and shows it, without making up any excuses for not being in touch no matter how busy the day gets with work, children and life.  These are the types of situations that often prevent people from being who they’re meant to be with, while having to make special arrangements or concessions for those probably should NOT deal with.  Maybe I’m right, maybe not.

Yes – I’ve made mistakes in the past by spending  too much time on men who didn’t know what they wanted, those wanting the benefits of a permanent employee but wanting to function as  temporary workers, and not  having given a fighting chance to the right men.  A few of my girlfriends are always commenting how strong I am to have the ability to breakaway from men that don’t seem to be leading towards a happy ending but damn, I’m tired of having my gloves on ready to fight.  So tired of it but still, have not reached the point of just settling or “hanging in there” as some women have foolishly done knowing things just weren’t right.  Many of you don’t get it.

This woman here? I’m still learning from mistakes made in the past but I think I’m getting better at learning when it’s time to pedal a little slower or stop altogether because if nothing is being gained from past experiences, I’m only setting myself up to fail with the future experiences.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Why Are You Single?

“…I can’t understand how a woman like you could be single, you are amazing…” is what Out of Sight said quite a few times earlier on during our friendship/situation and I would always jokingly reply “It’s possible because and I am truly a good catch, but  I keep meeting assholes with too much personal baggage who aren’t ready and I have to let them go”.

What I told him is so sad but  true because in nearly every instance where I meet someone and we begin the process of getting to know one another, we get derailed because of something the man is going through, he needs to work through his shit and I have over a dozen examples (men) from my past  who ended up on the chopping block because of their selfishness.  Here’s a public service announcement for these men- handle your shit, stop trying to date women when you don’t have the time, energy or money.

Ah….. money, money, money, money.  Most of the issues with men like Out of Sight that eventually leads to problems causing  dating to fall flat  has to do with money – men have to work hard and often, very long hours in demanding jobs to support a lifestyle that either needs to be downgraded or to support their obligations such as children or an ex-wife.  Rescue once told me that there isn’t anything in the world that can make a man feel better about himself  if his finances aren’t right – not a loving and  supportive woman, nothing.  So I get the workaholic thing because I’m not fond of Skittles dates, but here’s a newsflash – communication is key!  I just feel a little stupid because I was too busy making excuses for this man knowing good and damn well, I should have been taken off of a dating web site and swept off my feet the moment he met me.

In this situation, Out of Sight failed to communicate with me in the very beginning because he neglected to tell me that he really isn’t ready for anything serious, so now I was basically told over California Rolls and martini’s  to just accept that he’s poor at communicating (saying he’s been told this many times before) and to accept that his life is a big hodgepodge of sorts which may stay that way for an unspecified period of time.  Oh yes, it’s true.

Look at me up here  making excuses for him because he’s so busy with family and life when the reality of the situation has been there;  it’s just that I had to wait until Friday night for him to share with me a lot more of the intimate details of his life.

The bottom line is this – as much as a person can say they are so different from the next, they are really just like the next and he is acting like so many others who enjoy the benefits but aren’t willing to commit to the work.

I’m really bummed out because here I am wasting precious keystrokes on  yet another hangover with potential and he knows he’s is a good guy overall. In fact, he even jokingly takes the time time to remind me of his greatest selling points such as him being a great provider who was caring, affectionate and loyal and had been single for a reason because he’s just… a very busy man with a hectic life.  I can appreciate the fact that he says he really needs to focus on improving himself spiritually, being a better father, son and a better person overall.  While he certainly expressed how much he cares for me that all seemed to be go out the window like a bucket of hot piss when he actually admitted that he wasn’t in a place right now to be decent relationship material because he said he’s “stretched so thin”.

Umm… really? NOW you tell me?!!

What does stretched thin mean, and what has changed since the time we first began communicating?  Stretched thin because everyone from his father, daughter and whoever else in between needed him and relied on him (whether unintentional or not) for some type of support. Adding to this “about my issues” moment was how his work situation isn’t what he thought it would be, and equally as bad are his temporary living quarters. Out of Sight started rambling on and in the end, I realized I was being asked to accept him how he is and no more, at least not now.

Liquor is really like a truth serum or perhaps Out of Sight was feeling  really comfortable and wanted to be candid with me, because he suddenly launches into an all out I-need-time-for-me spill about how he needs to have  time for himself, just being able to relax and not hear the nagging from a woman to do this or that when he’s getting off work, and how sometimes in the past he would be so tired from work that sex would be out of the question.  It’s funny how relieved he seemed to be telling me all of these REAL reasons why he hadn’t made any moves to seal the deal, encouraging me to keep dating and it’s also funny how he didn’t realize that my mood had gone from the happy woman in the presence of a great guy to one of those finger to temple,  this is some bullshit type of blank  stare in a matter of minutes.   Surely this fool didn’t think I was just going to sit there and take it all in without calling him out on what I believed he was really about, did he?

“You don’t really want to be in a relationship because you’re spilling off at the mouth all of the things  you despised about being with your ex-wife and other women before me.  If you do want a relationship, it would be one out of convenience when you wanted a snuggle buddy when getting off late from work, or happened to have some free time.  I really appreciate you telling me all of this because now I know what I’m dealing with;  my ex had a lot of personal shit he was dealing with that ultimately affected our relationship but he didn’t man up and just say he didn’t want anything serious out of selfishness, he didn’t want to lose me.”

He denied, denied, denied some more then denied all that I had said and even tried to make light of the situation by chuckling then saying that wasn’t the case, that he wanted something more.  Unless I’m borderline retarded, I understood what he was saying loud and clear – he doesn’t want anything right now and things are cool with the two of us but this isn’t really going anywhere anytime soon.  So here’s what I surmise of this situation – One, he was  unsure if my character was true  and was worried that I would change like all of the other women from his past, and start acting like an affection-starved lunatic or two, he had no intentions of pursuing anything further because he wants to be “free” and able to do what he pleases.

Like I said, he wanted something in  theory but his own shit and true desire to have things the way he wants them are two obstacles for us.  So as of this afternoon, I had to tell him simply that the Carmen who thinks she’s working towards a possible relationship with someone she’s been involved with for several months now is going to be completely different than the Carmen who knows there’s no future with that same person based on the slip ups and actions in the last couple of weeks, but especially based on his I’m-single-by-choice manifesto.  I would be a damn fool to continue carrying on with him the way I have and getting more and more caught up, entangled in a web of emotions.

Interestingly enough is the disparity in opinions on how to handle this type of situation – do you hang in there and just continue with your dating habits as normal OR say no more and pull the plug?  Single women seem to be a lot more tolerant of these types of situations and feel it’s worth a shot because in a couple of months once the dust settles, things may calm down and he’ll be ready for what I want.  Women who are or have been married?  They say hell no, he’s playing games and needs to go.

Not that I enjoy quoting Steve Harvey but he did say something that resonates in my mind quite often – if a man really wants you, there isn’t anything he won’t do to let you know and to work hard at getting and keeping you.

I’m going to have to roll with my own thought in the matter which are in line with the married women.  He should have taken the opportunity to tell me before we created the patterns of speaking on a regular basis, sharing intimate details, desires and dreams.  Instead, I’m hoping he’s thinking back to the last time he asked me why was I single.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

 

A Year of Dating Hangovers

One year.  365 days. 53 weeks. 

Several template revisions, three “About Me” rewrites, many lessons learned.

118 posts.  1,071 comments.  Thousands of Spam messages. 

Encounters with an estimated 26 men.  Total of 26 disappointments with men.

Countless expletives.  Many headaches.  Several arguments.  One heartache.

 Happy Blogoversary My Dating Hangovers!

I’m not quite sure how to feel knowing an entire year has passed since I first entered the world of blogging.  Although I started this as a hobby of sorts, to get my feet wet in the realm of online journaling, at times I wondered if I kept knocking down the different men I had encountered to give me a reason to continue writing.

I also wondered if I may have jinxed what I thought could be the end of my dating hangovers by continuing to chronicle what was happening in my relationship with Rescue.  That only stayed in my mind for a moment as I realized it was the person and not the blogging which puts me in the position I am in today.

Unknown relationship Single status.

Here’s an excerpt from my first post a year ago, November 17, 2010:

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at, 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.  On to the next!

I just realized that the way that introduction was written, it didn’t sound as if I had any intentions on finding the RIGHT ONE, instead I simply said “on to the next” and that is exactly what I got.  The next hangover.  Over and over and over again.

The past year has been filled with a lot of strange experiences and moments, and although I’m one week fresh off of hearing what sounded like a statement for re-election (you know – say everything the people want to hear), I can’t say that I haven’t had times I enjoyed the company I was in and the love in my heart from reconnecting with my past.

But hey– that type of tone isn’t the purpose of an anniversary now is it?  Nope, not at all.  Instead, it’s a celebration and a trip down memory lane so for your viewing pleasure (especially to the newer stalkers readers) a timeline and trip through My Dating Hangovers (November 2010 – November 2011):

Okay, so I didn’t exactly take the time to figure out how to PROPERLY insert the time line but you get the picture!

In addition to having chuckled, snorted and laughing out loud reviewing the timeline, I figured I’d pick out my favorite posts or topics:

 Top 5 Favorite Posts  

 –          Until Something Better Comes Along

–          Choosing a Life Partner

–          The Dating Resume

–          Dating the Single Parent

–          Never Date a Religious Hypocrite

 

Top 5 Men I Wish I Never Met

 –          Sybil’s Brother

–          Ghetto 2Pac

–          Good on Paper

–          Full Metal Jacket

–          Tupperware Man (don’t ask – I totally forgot about him but trust, he’s nuts!)

 

 

Top 5 Moments to Remember

 

–         Reunionw/Rescue

–          Prince concert w/Rescue

–          First date with Tall Glass of Wine

–          First date with USBC

–          Bedroom encounter w/Black Russian

 

 

 

And finally – two mini statements from the two men whose company I truly enjoyed and had figured out one of the small secrets to my happiness was laughter:

Tall Glass of Wine:

How often is it that you can meet someone who is able to carry on great
conversation, knows how to behave at the dinner table, can get down on the
dance floor, knows how to hold their liquor AND also loves Prince?

And of course…

Rescue 911:

Rescue makes me happy, makes me laugh, understands me, is affectionate, a great lover, communicates with me, shares his dreams, likes Prince, accepts me and all my flaws, understands my love of a wig collection, and above all – is my friend.

So what’s next?

I haven’t a clue but I DO know I would much rather have a blog titled “Let’s Stay Together”.

Searching for the cure…

Carmen Jones

 

Time to refocus

Remember what I said a few days ago about feeling constipated?  Well today I’m feeling like I’ve popped a few lower bowel supplements and am ready to share what’s been clogging my mind for the last couple of days.

This will likely be a long one and will probably be part of a chapter in a book I’ll write, so for now, let’s just say that constipation has developed into a bad case of the runs.

First, let me just say this – dating SUCKS.

Whether it’s casual, working towards something serious or in a full blown committed relationship, I sometimes feel the amount of work and effort needed is simply too much for me.  I think many might agree that every now and then a person comes into your life and it is really, really hard to let them go and walk away.

Good on Paper (“GOP”) is that one for me.

I messed up because I allowed myself to become emotionally attached with. He was just supposed to be the cut buddy who would satisfy my mission: to spend my free time in the company of someone who I was attracted to purely based on his physical form and get my world rocked whenever I wanted it.

No strings attached, no need for regular contact, no need to discuss anything outside of “what time should I be there?”

His purpose:  to be readily available like d on demand, and come with the stamina to enjoy several rounds and understand that after it’s over, he must gather his things and exit stage left.

I still remember the night this arrangement was made, it was March of last year and I’d asked him to meet me for a late night breakfast as I asked him if he was up to fulfilling my mission and serving his purpose weekly and he replied yes, he was up to it and wanted it.

Funny how I was expecting to hear something other than “Okay, sure, I’d love to see you” when I contacted him since it had been since 2007 when we last spoke and at that time, I didn’t exactly end our communications in a polite way. Here I am doing it again nearly a year later doing the same thing.

Only this time, I’m for real.  I think.  So how did this hangover come to be?

The Beginning

GOP and I met casually at a local carwash and while I was fussing at my little one who was trying to hit me up for more arcade game money, he joked that I was acting like a typical Mom and told me to stop giving the kid a hard time.

We laughed and ensued in some small talk and later, we exchanged numbers to keep in touch.  Telephone calls followed and we seemed to have a lot in common – don’t you just love the energy you feel when you’re in the newness phase of getting to know someone?

We clicked, we talked, text and e-mail and soon, a date was planned and from that night of our follow up meeting we both noticed the undeniable physical attraction and chemistry we had with each other. So it was no surprise that the night ended with a hot and heavy kissing and grinding session.  From there, we continued on the path of learning more about each other but then soon reverted to the home dates.

You know the “I just want to see you for a minute because I miss you” visits which ultimately led to more of those sessions and we then both admitted that the inevitable would happen one day very soon.

Alas, I started learning more and more about this man and realized aside from having been divorced with three children (one of them only three-  yikes!), he was a pretty good candidate for “something”.

I gave him this title because he was very smart not only in academics (is pursuing his second master’s degree), but full of common sense and street smarts.  GOP can converse about nearly everything and is well traveled, conscious about finances and decisions needed to be where he wants to be in life and was driven and has a great sense of humor.  Oh, and yes I saved the last detail for last – he is an extremely good looking man.  How could I resist him?

Okay, so you’re probably wondering what happened next and why wasn’t I pursuing anything with him?

Well, before I could get to that point (though I should mention neither of us mentioned what WE sought specifically in the beginning) he did what happens all too often with men, they fall off.

He became inconsistent and I became uninterested in because I refuse to resort to the desperado actions by asking why he hadn’t called. I didn’t care to know when I was going to see him again.

Instead, I did what I often do to men, began focusing my attention on other options like whether he should be dropped him like a bad habit or simply downgraded to a whenever man.

The Middle

Fast forward to our late night breakfast conversation at 3am, and while were talking about our failed relationships, I tell GOP that I’m not interested in trying another relationship and wanted to avoid the type of heartbreak I’d experienced and offered the position of the f@$% buddy.  I explained there were no strings attached and told him how often I expected to see him for THAT purpose and he happily obliged saying he was ready to go.  So after our meal, we sealed the deal and believe me when I tell you it was worth the wait.

Like the best thoroughbred at the Kentucky Derby, the horses were off to a great start!  Perfectly timed contacts, arrangements made to meet up after I had my time to play and party and Carmen was a happy girl.

You know I am dying to give you the details since this hangover is officially ready for the archives, but I’ll save those goods for my forthcoming Top 10 List of lovers.  Still, I can’t emphasize enough how satisfied I was with my encounters with GOP because he made sure that every nerve in my body was left with a tingle.

A couple of weeks have passed and everything is going pretty well and of course, I’m a happy camper because I’m having my cake and eating it too; I still have the occasional date here and there and since nothing had really materialized into anything with these men, my dealings with GOP satisfied my urges for any physical contact.

While I began to notice he’d started doing a few things that weren’t part of the FB agreement such as calling me outside of asking when we were getting together, I didn’t mind.  Nor did I think anything of the texts and e-mails that seemed to come a little more frequently and though they really consisted of the basic good morning, how are you and a little sexting, it was okay because he was an enjoyable person to talk to and correspond with.

No harm no foul, right?

Then it happens as I mentioned earlier, the consistency stops.   Our encounters went from twice a week to once a week, followed by once every two weeks.  Sometimes I would communicate with him, sometimes I wouldn’t but then there was a peak when the phone calls increased in frequency.

This part was confusing but then they would stop and start up again.   You see, I understand and know the differences between being involved with a friend with benefits/FB, casually dating, seriously dating and being in a committed relationship with someone and I also know of the things and actions (or lack thereof) that comes with each of them.

 

I soon realized that GOP was blurring the lines so I called him on it and told him, quite blatantly that I didn’t know what his purpose really was any longer.   I told him he couldn’t seem to screw me on a regular basis, so why was he there?

This is when he tells me as we sat on the edge of my bed having this discussion we should NOT need to have and says:

“Has it ever occurred to you that I am interested in more than just that?  Sex isn’t something that I just have to have.  I’m interested in you and I like you because you are a great woman.  So what do you think about that?”

Sound the alarm, Ding Ding Ding Ding!!!!!  Emergency, lost brain on the floor, lost brain on the floor.

Yes, this is exactly what my mind was doing; flipping the hell out because it wasn’t expected at all but was something that I surely would consider.

What’s funny about this is that most women are guilty of switching gears like this, but this was a man doing it and yes, I did think about what he had to say and agreed to give it a try.  So as we sat there acknowledging that the two of us had been withholding feelings for each other that went a little beyond the physical connection, I explained that if we were going to try dating each other it needed to be for real adding that I was interested in a long-term relationship and shared my ultimate goal for a life partner.

GOP agreed, so we started communicating more, enjoyed many wonderful dates and will live happily ever after.

Nearing the End

One thing I say about this man is that he was consistently inconsistent.  Of course nothing became of that conversation, and what I began seeing was a side of him that I didn’t understand and began to hate.  He was all talk, lip service and no action.  Sure, we communicated more and saw each other more but what he failed to mention when offering up himself for a dating and relationship strategy, is that his personal life (ugly custody battle, long hours working and more) wouldn’t really allow him to do anything more than he’d been doing.

There weren’t any dates, instead I received the updates about the time he was spending at his children’s sport activities or some family functions.  We would talk about work and different projects he was working on and though I tried to give him an out and attempted to transfer him back to the friend realm, each time I’d mentioned this was met with the disappointed reply of “so you really just want to be friends and that’s it?”

Well no, I really didn’t so I continued to be the understanding woman and while I have a child of my own and have to deal with the regular demands of life, was expected to accept his shortcomings and why he wasn’t able to spend more time because in his mind, the magnitude of his issues somehow outweighed mine.

Seriously?

From the time we reconnected in March until August, I’d pretty much surmised that GOP was a lost cause and slowly began pulling away.  The physical relations continued and thank goodness, there was no affect on those great times but the more I dealt with him I felt like I was being sucked deeper and deeper into a black hole of emotions.  With each text, email and lengthy conversation with him about us (though there really wasn’t an “us”), complaining of any unfulfilled promises from him I was becoming that woman you hate hearing about.

You know the one who continues to deal with a man, complains about him, gets upset with him only to start dealing with him again and start the unhealthy cycle of up and down emotions all over again?  Yes, that was me.  So one night after being stood up by him, I called and left a detailed message telling him where he could go and then implemented a No Contact Rule.  I ignored any and all attempts from him to contact me and moved on.

I’ve noticed many people say that one of the best ways to get over someone is to move on and start up a new relationship right away.

This can’t be any further from the opposite and is bad, bad, bad.  Any way you look at it, you’re rebounding and I believe time is the only thing that can help you to get on with your life.  I don’t know if I can blame karma, bad luck or cupid playing a joke on me, but the relationship I got in just a few weeks after my NCR was enforced was one of the WORST ever.

Three Strikes Your Out

I can’t say or even try to explain how I let him back into my life again, especially me being the type who has only given a man a second chance ONCE in my life but I did.

About a week or two after I ended things with my ex-boyfriend, GOP contacted me and so the merry-go-round began again.  I won’t deny my feelings, I loved him although I wasn’t  necessarily in love so this time around I decided to handle him with the whatever happens, happens approach.

While he took a selfish position feeling I shouldn’t be dating anyone if I was supposedly interested (again) in wanting to make something happen with him, I continued my ventures with on-line dating anyway.

Fast forwarding and sparing the details in between, come New Years Eve, I’d decided I didn’t want to take the same $hit into 2011 so I sent GOP a simple text saying –

“Here’s your out.  You’ve done nothing to convince me otherwise that you’re interested in making something of this, so take your chance to just walk away”.

His reply?

“No, I’m not taking an out.  I want you for the New Year.  I’m out of town now and will be back on Sunday and I’m coming to see you”.

What happens on Sunday?  Of course, nothing.

Monday he calls, followed by a few texts days later and another text here and there up until yesterday when I finally responded.

Yesterday morning I finally responded to his latest “good morning beautiful, how are you?” texts and while my reply was a pretty dry and close-ended “I’m good, thanks”, I still responded.

He had me answering now and has hope so he continues by saying “I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with you; I haven’t talked to you in a while”.  I blow him off with a lame “I’m doing well, just busy” so then he asks “Well can I still see you?” but this is when I remember my friend Lin telling me how he was a D.N.R.R. – a do not resuscitate romance so this time I was more direct and said “I need to refocus”.

After a few minutes of silence he responds with an “Ah… ok, I see.  Well you stay focused then”.

And staying focused is exactly what I’ll be doing.

Hindsight is 20/20

If I took a moment to think back and reevaluate this particular situation, I would find that I held on for far too long but for all the right reasons.  How often is it that you meet someone who is a really great individual, you’re attracted to them and they have qualities that make you want to consider them for a lasting place in your life?

With Good on Paper, I couldn’t see past the words that were never followed up with any action and instead, accepted excuses and even made excuses for his shortcomings when I should have ended things many months ago.  For me, this was a conquest of sorts and I wanted to challenge myself to overcome obstacles instead of giving up on someone so easily.

I’d done so (gave up) in the past with men whose character far exceeded anything I’d experienced with this man, but because of my regrets from my immature ways that pushed away the good ones, I decided to give it a try with the next person who seemed to be what I wanted and needed.

Lesson learned, hangover Archived.

Carmen ~

Like trying to fit my size 8.5 into a 7

Afternoon folks!  Yay, no work for me today, so I thought I’d share a little hangover, though it isn’t REALLY a hangover.  Okay, here’s the deal-  I like (Until Something Better Comes Along) USBC, and can’t emphasize how much of a cool cat this guy is.

He’s spontaneous, funny and is an all around good nature guy.  Still, trying to make myself have the type of interest I would have in (say for instance, Special Agent or Hollywood*), is like me trying to squeeze my fat foot into a size 7 knowing I’m a good 8.5 on a good day.  I just can’t force it.  Oh,  and I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to introduce you Hollywood.  Soon, very soon.

So anyway, USBC calls me up and asked if I wanted to listen to a friend of his play in Hermosa.  He said he figured me for versatile one when it comes to most things, especially music and asked if I could tolerate rock and roll.  Well, I’m more of a R&R from the 80’s type chick, but if it sounds good can get down with just about any type of music except metal and country.  What the hell, I said sure.

Since we were coming from two opposite sides of town to meet up in the South Bay, he gave me the directions and I met him there.  He did two things right:  called to check on me to make sure I didn’t have problems finding the place and came outside, met me at the door and took care of the cover charge. 

You’re probably thinking those two things are a no brainer, but some fellas just don’t get it – I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to walk into a place, which is normally crowded and struggle trying to find the person I was meeting up with, so cool points for him.

The first thing he does is compliment me – “Wow, you look great”, followed by a hug and a “it’s really good to see you again”.  Add cool points here.  Not that I need to or ever go fishing for a compliment, again, sometimes men just don’t think of these little things that well… make a woman feel womanly.

So we walk into the place and he leads me to the table, pulls out my chair and we begin the catch up talk.  I told him he looked nice as well and teased him about the Wonder Woman- type cuff he had on to match his outfit.  Okay, maybe it’s because I hadn’t seen him in nearly a month, but he was looking pretty sharp.  He asked what I wanted to order (add cool points, some men may wait a little too long before asking this) and the night goes on from there.

In between sets his friend was performing, we talked and laughed and were really enjoying each other’s company until it happened.  Like someone yanking the needle of the record, he comments again how much he missed me and says “I guess this is all I can expect since you don’t want me”.

Shut the f$%k up!  Why ruin the moment with retarded comments like that, and then try to play it off like you’re saying it in jest?  Deduct 1000 cool points.

I just looked at him and told him to stop it. Saying something like that was so not his style and not too cool, so  I had to explain again (for like how many times) that our situation is what it is.  I’m interested in friendship with him, gave him the “you’re a really great guy” spill (which is true, he is) and put the needle back on the record to continue our good time.

Afterwards, the friend comes over (who by the way, sounded great AND was c-u-t-e!) and the introductions ensued.  The three of us sat there chatting about everything from worst pick up lines from men, their strategies to get a woman’s number, to having sex in the shower and what about the condoms to finding “the one”.

Aside from USBC’s minor slip up and moment of “why not me”, it was a good night.  As long as he remembers my feelings aren’t likely to change because as much as I try, I CANNOT force myself to like him in a romantic way, we’re all good.

He’s asked me to go zip lining and hiking with him.  Gotta love the adventurous side in this guy.  Just gotta love it.

Oh yeah, in addition to updating you on Hollywood, I have to share an update on Good on Paper.   *Sigh*  Such a disappointment he was, and yes, I said was.  My mind-blowing, hot, sweaty, multi-orgasmic partner is no more.  I don’t think HE know this yet since he’s sent yet another text as of today wondering why I’ve gone radio silent on him.  *Sigh*

Alright, let me stop messing up the moment of the good night out mentioned above. 

Carmen~

You Wear Your Heels, I’ll Wear Mine!

This has been a BUSY week, but heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Carmen!

Right now I’m riding high off of one of the best dates I’ve had in the last couple of months.  After ignoring all contacts, hiding my profile, canceling my account, restarting my account, hiding my profile again then reappearing again, I came across a gentleman I’ll call Until Something Better Comes Along or USBC.  He has given me a glimmer of hope since I seem to have piqued the interest of the nastiest, ugliest, illiterate, horniest men of all time on ______.

 A spot called Nirvana in Beverly Hills was the rendezvous point.  This restaurant and lounge had it all – exquisite East Indian artwork and tapestry, a DJ spinning the turntables (okay, well pressing his IPod buttons) and yummy cuisine.  Oh, and I should mention this was our first actual meeting after exchanging a few messages, several texts and a few phone calls. 

The chemistry?  GREAT.  Creole seemed to have it all – he is very knowledgeable about damn near everything, but also has street savvy and as his profile indicated, has made money in different industries.  In fact, one of the first things that stood out in his dating profile is how he laid it all out on the line about what he’d done to make money, having worked since he was a youth.  USBC had done it all from dabbling in real estate to taxes and even said he worked scooping up bird poop for an underground exotic pet shop.   Really, who admits to this type of stuff?  Okay, so obviously this dude’s work ethic is off the chart.  He can hold a conversation and is well versed on just about every subject imaginable, is well traveled and best of it all, is funny as hell.  Sounds good, right?

Now before I go any further, let me back up a little bit to the pre-date jitters.   Well, they’re not really jitters but they’re really my realistic pessimism talks that I often have when meeting someone for the very first time or going out with them following an initial meeting.  So many questions go through me head as I hope and pray the date goes off without a hitch and I don’t being mortified and embarrassed from a guy’s behavior or actions or worse, storming out because the date was just unbearable.    Maybe it’s just me, but I think of these things to try to keep one foot out of the door, literally.

So back to the meet up with USBC.  I arrive promptly at 9pm, park my car and before I can pick up the phone to ask “where are you”, my phone rings and he says he’s walking towards me.  Out the car I go to greet him and as he starts walking near, my heart sinks a little.  Is…that…. him?  I ask myself as this small figure dressed in black approaches and as soon as he opens his mouth and says “Hey Carmen!” I had my answer.    As I say “Hello” and lean in for the friendly hug, my mind starts racing back to the profile.  How tall did he say he was?  Why did he look about 5’8 (at least) in the pictures?  Is this the right person?  Did I somehow confuse his profile with another?  We are eye to eye.

Stilettos, platforms, wedges, heels.  Nothing under 4 inches.  I am a staggering 5’2 inches tall and wear nothing but shoes putting me several inches higher in the air but sometimes, I think I am disillusioned with my own stature to the point that I have an issue with a man who is shorter than me.  I told that internal voice inside my head to shut the hell up, get over it and just prepare to have a great time.

And a GREAT time it was!  I can’t emphasize enough how nice the ambiance of Nirvana was, so I was able to enjoy his presence, my food, drinks and conversation.  We talked about any and everything, nothing was off limits.  Family backgrounds, past relationships, workplace drama, you name it.  USBC then complimented me on my leather stilts and says “I’m wearing my heels tonight as well”.

Say what? 

As I tried to swallow down that last piece of crab cake before choking, he laughed and said “Hey, I’m confident with my 5’6 and it’s crazy because nearly all of the women I’ve been with who are attracted to me are always taller”.  I replied “Oh?  I would have thought they would have been short like me”.   USBC then adds “And believe it or not, I do not have a short man’s complex.  Hell, I’m comfortable with who I am, its women who have the issue with it”.  He says “the last woman I dated who was about 5’9 would never wear heels.  She only wore these ugly little flats and I would ask her to please wear some heels”.  I kind of chuckled when he told me he had a fetish for women in really high heels so he tells me when this woman explained she was trying to make him feel better by not towering over him, he told her “wear your heels, I’ll wear mine”.   So ever since then, if he’s going out at night and is trying to dress it up a bit, he’ll wear his shoes that have a small lift on the bottom of the sole that is barely noticeable.

He’s comfortable with who he is? I stopped to let what he was saying marinate and I kind of believe him.  I mean this man walked up in this restaurant like he was Shaq or someone 6 feet tall, and the confidence and authority he’d shown when ordering the drinks and food?  USBC acted like he had balls the size of an elephant, just reaping of confidence.  

That type of personality without being cocky or arrogant is hard to come by, so I think I’ll try to set aside MY hang ups about short men and give it a try.  Heels and all!

Carmen