Respond, Ignore or Block?

You’re single and ready to mingle and haven’t had much luck meeting people the “regular” way, so off you go to the online dating site recommended by several friends.

The account is opened, you post your best photos and have a cleverly crafted “About Me” and now you wait for the messages.

What these well meaning friends failed to tell you is that not ALL messages warrant a response.

You can read my full post by heading over to Digital Romance.

Oh and in case you didn’t know, I’m a regular contributor to Digital Romance- one of the hottest digital sources for everything about dating and relationships.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Can Incompatibility Be The Problem?

He’s giving me that look again, rubbing on my leg and talking dirty to me.  I know what he wants and don’t know if I can stomach another round with him. In fact, the last time I almost reached towards the nightstand to get B.O.B. and this was while we were having sex.

I have been fortunate enough to have had some marvelous sexual conquests in my life. However just the same, there have been a few men who have fallen short (pun intended) in the bedroom and if this was just someone I was having a little fun with, I would chop it up as a loss and move on.  But when the sex isn’t so great with someone you really care for, in a relationship with or even married to, it’s a very big deal.

If you have ever found yourself being sexually frustrated or even repulsed at the thought of being intimate with someone, go on over to Digital Romance, Inc.* and check out my Guest Post about sexual compatibility:  https://digitalromanceinc.com/romance/sexual-incompatibility-putting-strain-relationship/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

*Digital Romance, Inc., one of the best sites for dating and relationship advice.

Great First Dates

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

In case the point isn’t being emphasized enough, I think we might have a winner so let’s just call him Winner!

Last night’s date was a smashing success and even better, the feeling is mutual since we ended the night by texting each other pretty much the same thing and woke up texting nearly the same words as last night which – we were happy to have met, enjoyed the relaxed and open conversation an agreed how everything flowed effortlessly.  Our chemistry was amazing and if you were looking over at our table while we laughed over good food and drinks, you would never have known that we were on our first date.

It’s about damn time and I’m so glad I didn’t let the tiresome day and drain of the week stop me from going through with the date.

A real date (not one of those bullshit Starbucks coffee meet ups), where the man did the planning (instead of asking what do you want to do), asked about details (were we dressing causal or adding a little flair) and most importantly, the person showing up matched who was being represented online (I’m sure he’s closer to 5’7 than 5’9 but still, he looked like his photos).

The most important detail?  He’s ready.

Winner wants to settle down, is over the dating scene (especially online dating though I’m only the second off the site) and mentioned a word that resonated with me greatly – partner.

Not once during our discussion which included everything from beer to golf to real estate to intimacy, did he say he was looking for someone to “chill with” nor did he say a girlfriend is what he wanted but he made it clear that he was looking for a partner.  What’s even better is that he had pretty clear meaning of exactly what that person was, how she took care of herself, her mate, the kinds of goals in life she should have and more.

It was surreal sitting beside a man that was on the same page and he’s thought long and hard about how to what he’s looking for in a woman (though I’m concerned he might be in too much of a hurry to end his single status) and seems pretty confident that I’m exactly what he’s looking for after only one meeting.

He’s nice-looking, has a stable career, able to articulate well and has an amazing sense of humor and just as he was complimenting of the type of woman I represented, he appears to have so many qualities that I’m looking for in a man but of course – there are always a few things about a person that don’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy or quite simply, are turnoffs and deal breakers.

His living situation, his ovary hustling dreams and the puff-puff.

Winner owns a 3-bedroom home not far from me that he shares with his 6 year-old daughter and his ex-fiance.  That is a BIG problem for me because I don’t give a hoot how much a person can say something is over, living under the same roof is not a clean break-up.  If you hear his story, it probably makes him look like a good guy with a huge heart with a lot of patience until the courts had to get involved.  But so what, I don’t like the sounds of an ex anything being in the same house. Not only are the feelings still there which may be good or bad like this article points out, for the new person coming in to know that you are just a few feet away from a late night or early morning booty creep isn’t something that would set well with any sane person.

“He’s not ready to start a new relationship. He’s still living with someone” – Exetiquette.com

Now the only saving grace is that he says the ex has a court order to be out of the home by February 1st 2016 which isn’t far away at all, but as I’ve said time and time again – situations like that are messy and a person really should not date or entertain anything similar until their old business has been fully handled.  Sure that date will be here before I know it but so what – I’m not okay with it and as a result, he’s been forewarned that he has earned a spot in the friend zone.  Who’s to say what will happen in February and how messy what is essentially an eviction (because she wouldn’t leave voluntarily after the break up) ends when the time comes so again, the living situation is an issue for me and likely for any other women he’s attempted to date.

My online profile says “does not want children” and his said “undecided/open” and just in case my response here isn’t clear, it is mentioned during any messaging and I assure you, he and I had this conversation before meeting where I made it understood that there was no on the fence for me.  I’m 40 years-old with a teenager and I don’t care if he’s the most doting father ever, having another one if so not an option for me.  So during dinner the topic comes up again where he’s mentioning “one more kid, maybe a boy and….” I have to remind him that if he’s set on hustling these ovaries, I’m not his girl.  He joked around a bit more and mumbled something about being able to change my mind and I believe he’s really convinced of that.  Not good, not good at all.  Is he going to be the one who acts as if he’s accepting of one thing while plotting all along to veer a person in the other direction?

Last concern is the smoking – why does it seem as if every black man I’ve met in the last two or three years have a habit of smoking marijuana?  Each will make it seem like they only smoke “occasionally” in the beginning but then really fess up to needing a hit once or a couple times a day.  Most women (unless they’re tokers too) don’t care for it and I’m not really a fan either so while it isn’t a major deal breaker since it’s something I did long ago, I could do without.  His saving grace is that his lips aren’t discolored, I didn’t smell it in his clothes and the bonus he added is that he doesn’t smoke blunts.  Really, he said this like it was for bonus points or something while mentioning the benefits.  Ummm, okay.

Okay, so there you have it – a great first date and introduction to a (seemingly) nice guy along with some points of pain.  I won’t mention my concerns about his level of eagerness to move forward because it’s possible there have simply been so many men I’ve met who weren’t about anything serious tainting my opinions.  For now we can both practice a little patience and continue getting to know each other but as I stated earlier, with some definite boundaries on how far until issue #1 is handled and ironically, he had a few recommendations for me.

“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”

While talking about past relationships and relations, we both revealed that side bar sex buddy – for him, some young 20’something who was good for nothing more than a quick roll in the hay and a little smoking an for me, my 18 year sexual marriage with Papi.  He offered some interesting insight on why things have been going on for so long saying I shouldn’t be worried about how his living situation is going to end because it will be a simple split in a couple of months, but more concerned about ending my dealings with Papi which are a must before we get serious.

Now really – which do you think is the bigger issue to resolve?  My unrelationship which has never been anything more than in between the sheets or his 5-year dealings with a woman he once said “will you marry me” to?

I’ll let that sit for a moment or for as long as it takes for his unfinished business at home to be resolved.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Stay Away From This Guy

The short version of my recent meet up:

He messaged me, I responded.  He responded, then I responded and we exchanged numbers and he then texted to me and I responded and he said let’s get together later, and I said okay to a meet up at Starbucks which I hate for meet ups, we meet and he looks different (older) and I know I don’t like him, so we chat for a while, he’s asking questions like I’m interviewing for a job, he gets comfortable and starts dropping F bombs, then he gets really comfortable and asks how old does he look and says he’s really 49 and not 40, and I think I rolled my eyes when he said he puts “whatever” on profiles since no one reads them anyway, then he says he arranges meet ups right away to avoid wasting time, then he tells me online dating is a fluke and he’s there because a friend got lucky with a beautiful woman, now I know I REALLY don’t like him and start getting restless because I’m ready to go, so he suggests we get drinks and chill, and I say “Cool, which restaurant are we going to”, then he says he meant get drinks and just “chill” at his place, and then I said no thanks to his fabulous offer of Netflix and chill, so he seems surprised I said no even though he says he has a really nice place, then I said let’s wrap it up and he offers to be my new real estate agent, so I said no thanks and he said let’s hang again soon as I’m closing my car door ready to drive back home.

This kind of guy is the worst – he’s a lazy dater hoping for instant gratification and along with a quick hook up.

For him, it’s a numbers game. He’s only looking to score as many women as he can, quickly so the online dating scene is the perfect playground for these types of men. Having been on the dating scene for so long, I should know better than anything than to deal with them.

Yet in the moments where I wonder if my hard-nosed approach to so many situations with dating, I’m sometimes willing to give someone the benefit of the doubt.  Then end up regretting it, just like I did with the guy I met tonight.  He’s not online to date but to meet any woman he can squeeze into his schedule until he has enough in his collection to start weeding them out.

The signs were all there that he was just looking for a quickie, in every meaning of the word.

Recognizing the lazy dater

The lazy dater makes himself pretty easy to identify by how his profile is set up or his messages.  If he’s sharing just tidbits in his profile in the “About Me” section, has one too many “Just ask” responses or the number of photos posted are scarce, this is your guy.

You’ll be able to recognize this type because he’s either going to shoot you one or two basic “How are you”, “Nice photos” or “How was your day” kind of messages then quickly offer up his number or ask for yours.

Worse, there are the types who won’t even try the dialogue and will be pimping their digits in the first message along with how much he “Would love to get to know you”.

In my case, his profile was fairly decent and didn’t have any glaring indicators, but once we got to the messaging and signs of his laziness surfaced is when I should have followed my usual discretions and kept it pushing.

Why you shouldn’t exchange numbers too soon

The tricky part about online dating is how much messaging is enough before two people should exchange numbers and of course, there are always two different extremes.

You have the guy who will message you every day with the same boring stuff and you’ll either get bored with him or turned off, then there’s the one who is a little too eager or just plain lazy.  I think it’s safe to say that three or four messages should be good before getting each other’s numbers and these should include a few questions to gauge each other’s level of interest.

I’ve had far too many instances where I should have taken more time to learn a few tidbits about someone, so I wouldn’t be regretting each time they tried to text or call me.

Here’s the deal with the lazy dater and swapping numbers too soon – his motives are often pretty shady.  If he’s in a hurry to call you he’s either doing his last tour of duty because he’s probably already has a potential in mind and needs a back-up or, is trying to collect as many prospects as possible before shutting down his account.

Either way, if he isn’t taking the time to show you that he’s actually interested in getting to know you with a few messages, this means he’s not willing to invest anything in you and more than likely will end up being a  total waste of time.

Why it’s good to have a few conversations before meeting

How does he talk?  Is he way too hood or whitewashed?  Is he able to articulate well?  Do I like the sound of his voice?  Does he prefer dressing up or is he a velour suit kind of guy?  Is this normally how he prefers to meet and does he have a limited time-frame?

Call them Ice Breakers or whatever, but some kind of dialogue before meeting is always a good thing because otherwise it may end up turning into an inquisition of sorts.

Besides that, you’re clueless on what he likes and even if you were detailed with your profile on what turns you on, the lazy dater wouldn’t have read that shit anyway, so you’re just clueless all the way around.

When I was on my way to meet this hangover, he sends me a text message asking that I send him a couple more photos because the ones he had were blurry.

The issue I had with this is applies to any man asking for photos and if you don’t believe me, go ahead and do a Google search on “guys asking for pictures” and you’ll see what I mean.  I replied that I was already going against the grain meeting up without having talked and told him it was a no for photos.

The bigger issue with this text is that Mr. Player clearly had me confused with someone else because I NEVER sent him any (blurry) photos in the first place.

I didn’t call him out on this but you better believe it was noted and this is yet another reason why it’s good to have a few conversations before agreeing to meet someone, because little slip ups like this always come out no matter how smooth the lazy dater may think he is.

Why you should avoid rushed requests to meet

If you haven’t had time to gauge his interest level and any inkling of compatibility by messaging, and you haven’t had a couple of conversations to see if his words match up with what he may have written then you’re only setting yourself up for failure.

The same reasons I shared above on why you should be leery of the guy who’s in a hurry to bypass the getting-to-know-you type questions and on to the telephone are some of the same reasons to be cautious of someone taking the term “spontaneous” to extreme levels.

What’s the big rush?  Is he leaving the country, wife returning from vacation or he’s slowly dying?

Instead of me questioning any of this, I guess my thought process was “you’re not doing anything else later on, so why the hell not”.

Another part of me accepted those instances where I followed all of the steps by spending enough time messaging and making sure a meeting was set within a week of our telephone conversations and we see how well those rules have worked for me.

Again, I didn’t give X-Man’s hastiness any further thought until I started thinking back to that “send me more photos” text and realized I was getting ready to meet someone that I wasn’t even excited about meeting.

How could I be excited when all there was to go on was his online profile and a few decent photos?

What you get when you don’t pay attention to any of the above

If you think a lazy dater is someone you should take a chance on, it’s quite possible that you’ll end up meeting someone at a Starbucks in a location that is a little too urban and crowded for your liking.  But he probably wouldn’t know this because you never had any conversations about any likes and dislikes.

If you’re willing to take a chance with a lazy dater, you may yourself sitting across from the table of someone who’s really a foul-mouthed, cocky know-it-all instead of the quiet I/T geek he presented himself to be.  But you wouldn’t have any clue of how his personality could switch up like this because your conversations didn’t extend beyond one “I’m running late, see you in a bit” telephone call.

If you agree to a quick meet up with a lazy dater who likely didn’t give two shits about what you wrote in your profile, you may find yourself turning up your nose when he asks you to “grab some drinks at his house and just chill”.

But again, he probably isn’t going to know this is a turn off for you because you never had any talks about how you weren’t looking for a new fuck boy.

Initially, I looked at this encounter as a sign of growth for having stepped outside of my barrier of rules but then realized if something doesn’t make sense, then it just doesn’t make sense.

Men who don’t take the time to ask any questions or show that he’s even remotely interested in seeing if the two of you have anything in common is your chance to politely decline any further communication and keep it moving.

Lesson learned – if a man seems really eager to meet right away this doesn’t necessarily mean he thinks you’re the catch of the day and can’t wait to see you, but it can mean that he’s lazy as hell and is treating online dating like a round of speed dating or more like speed fucking.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Breaking the Rules

Rule #1 of having a friend with benefits – don’t catch feelings.

Rule #2 of having a friend with benefits – don’t catch feelings.

If only there was a manual for how to successfully carry on with this type of thing.  Too bad I never thought to read 10 Simple Rules to Maintaining a Successful Sex Buddy Relationship.

Here’s my deal.

In an effort to minimize my slut factor throughout the years, I have kept the company of two male “companions” whose sole purpose in my life was to dick me down.  No drama, no dating, no regular telephone calls and no questioning of each other’s dealings or actions in anyway.

Each of these men held their positions for extended periods of time (one beginning in 2007, the other dating back to 1998) which is good in theory because we became used to each other and knew exactly how to satisfy one another.

One of these “companions” by the name of Good on Paper started off as just the cut buddy. At some, I allowed him to try and be more when he thought he wanted more than just sex.  Against my better judgment in spite of my gut saying no, I didn’t all object when he began breaking each of the rules that make this type of situation successful.

HE caught feelings.

GOP started calling more often, sending me those daily “good morning beautiful” messages that most women are suckers for, trying to make plans for things outside of the bedroom and more – basically, trying to court me.

I was completely open to the idea but there’s just one thing about certain men who think they know what they want but aren’t sure if that’s what they want.  They will always fuck it up in the end which is exactly what GOP did.  He fell off slowly with one thing here and something else there until he eventually did the unthinkable – planned a date and nevershowed up.

Needless to say, none of that went over well and quickly, I nipped any further interactions in the bud.  My tolerance from the kind of bullshit that men can dish out is pretty low and I quickly became so frustrated with his inconsistent behavior that I no longer wanted to deal with him on any level – not even for sex and the way he put it down (see my top ten ever) you know I had to be pretty pissed.

We should have left well enough alone because we had been carrying on for years with the “I’ll be home shortly, bring the condoms” kind of situationship and had pretty much pissed all of our good vibes away in a matter of weeks.  The dynamics had been changed from how they began – no, ruined and my stubborn as was never able to get beyond and his place had been fully secured in the hangovers wall of shame.

So now there’s the second “companion”, Papi.

If you go back and read through the moments I’ve shared with this man, you can easily see that we have been consistently inconsistent. We have taken the phrase on again/off again to the extreme and any gaps in us communicating and getting together were never due to any bad vibes, issues or any arguments.  It’s as simple as one person falling off or being too busy and we each just went on with our lives until one of us resurfaced and re-ignited the flame.

We have remained friends with the benefits of not having to deal with all of the extras that come between men and women.  It has worked for so many years and now something has happened.

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WE caught feelings.

My last post was really about me having to admit to something that the alpha in me doesn’t want to do – that I had somehow lost my bearings and wasn’t handling the more consistent dealings with Papi very well.  The fact that I actually told him is even more confusing for me and the fact that he responded made that whirlwind effect of thoughts and emotions even worse.

“We can discuss that… I’m in crazy production mode right now, but we’ll get some clarity. Emotions aren’t mutually exclusive to you.”

I wasn’t completely sure what he was trying to say here, so the pessimistic side took it as being something bad.  Very bad but when realizing I wasn’t too confident in the meaning of mutually exclusive I went to look up the meaning which quite honestly, only added to the confusion.

As a woman, you know we can take the same message that was delivered to a man and dissect, inspect and interpret a million different ways.  Seeing this in a text message as opposed to having talked about it makes this analysis paralysis even worse.  So what do we do?  We take a couple of screenshots and then enlist the support of a friend or two (or three) asking them to try figuring out what is being said because of course, this is sooooooo much better than talking to the man directly, right?

Two of my girlfriends took it the wrong way and were trying to soothe my bruised feelings, encouraging me to just accept that he’s saying he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and keep it moving.  Fortunately, a third friend interpreted it another way suggested I just pump my brakes and discuss it further which is exactly what I did.

Let’s fast forward a couple of days…

We’re laying in my bed hot and sweaty, trying to gather our bearings from an intense session and I commented how refreshing that was and referred to him as Mr. Mutually Exclusive.

I asked him clarify what the hell that meant and he says “What I was saying in my message is that you’re not the only one with emotions.  I’m in the same position and what’s so bad is that it isn’t MY first time being here trying to figure out what, if anything to do about it.”

Well I’ll be damned.  I’m not the only one who’s been holding out,  but now I feel like a soap opera cliffhanger.   What now???

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

Posted from WordPress for Android

Stop Over Thinking, It’s Just Great Sex

An overwhelming instinct to protect myself from certain situations that can be detrimental to my well-being has suddenly kicked into overdrive.

This is really just a fancy way of saying whenever I’m feeling like the situation with a man is a little confusing or uncomfortable for me, the anchor comes up and this old ship gets to sailing.

It’s funny (well, not really) how just a few days ago I was skipping through the field of daisies, still on a high after the latest tryst with my long-term cut buddy Papi which I’ll say again, was one of the best sessions. I could just brush it off as having been one of those moments where the hormones of a 40 year old woman had gone crazy,  but I wouldn’t be a woman if I left it at that.

Just as many of us will do, I’ve been trying to analyze every moment to get some answers and wanted to slap myself once I realized how much time my brain had been spinning trying to do just that.

What was so different about this time? Why was the energy so different?

Could it be something as simple as me using a different scarf to blind-fold him or was I more turned on by being the one in control while instructing him through each moment during sex, doling out punishment if he disobeyed?

I found it mildly disturbing that I was even thinking about the why because that is totally out of character for me and then it hit me – maybe I was beginning to catch feelings.

If anyone has ever been in this situation before whether you were the catcher or the catchee, you already know that once a person tries to step outside of what’s already been established (sex partners and nothing more), it’s a lose-lose outcome.

This man has been a part of my life since I was 23 years-old and I’m now a few months away from being forty-one and if there weren’t any types of feelings there, I would be questioning whether or not my emotions were made of concrete and yesterday I kind of sort of let him know with a quick text message.

Dialogue is not what I was looking.

My sending that text was nothing more than a getting-this-off-my-chest-please-don’t-reply-and-if-you-do-I-won’t-read-it chicken shit kind of message and afterwards, I felt a hell of a lot better by simply telling him that perhaps the lack of any other “male distraction” was causing me to feel a little caught up.

That’s all I said and again, made it clear that I wasn’t looking for a reply of any kind, taking any and all credit for these feelings being all of my own.  Well, his ass replied and not only was I surprised, confusion by something he said using the phrase “mutually exclusive” totally messed me up.

Now I regret having said anything at all because our situation is what it is and I just need to regroup and keep it pushing.

This is happening because of failed dating and I blame the other men for this. If there were some decent prospects to consider, all of my focus this year would NOT have been on one person and everything would be okay and I could get back to sharing the sexual experiences with Papi and nothing else.  Bastards!!!

Don’t try to make sense of that last part; it only makes sense in my twisted little mind to find a reason for me having allowed overactive pheromones to have temporarily blinded me. For the first half of this year, I’ve not really been focused on dating of any kind – in person or online but now I think it’s time for a few distractions so I can close Pandora’s box just as quickly as I opened it.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

We broke up, but I’m back…

I’m caught up in this vicious cycle where the levels of frustration are so bad that I say to hell with it all.  I take down all of my decorations and pretty pictures, and might even leave some threatening note before finally ending things for good.

After a couple of weeks or so, boredom usually sets in and a little sliver of hope pops into my mind that maybe – just maybe things will be different this time.  Aren’t these the types of thoughts that makes a person want to have some reflective moments to re-evaluate their purpose and goals?  Hell yeah, it certainly is so after much thought and consideration I’m back.

Online.

Trying to meet someone normal, for the umpteenth time.

So maybe… there won’t be so many men this go round who are suspiciously suspect like this fella right here whose pose screams “DIVA”: Screenshot_2015-03-18-21-01-20-1

and maybe, just maybe there won’t be so many desperate men who repeatedly send messages without having received one solitary response like this winner:

Screenshot_2015-03-05-10-02-59-1

Or better yet, those whose mailing address begins with  “U.S. Penitentiary…” have been placed on yard duty only and can stop wasting my time like this oratory genius:

Screenshot_2015-05-19-20-56-07-2

I’ve heard that if you get stuck while doing something, it’s best to take a break and regroup.  So with that being said, I’m going back in.  Again.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
Web: www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

 
(Photo Credits:  oochoo.blogspot.com)

High Standards, Single Women

In a perfect world, we would do everything in sequence such as getting to know each other as friends before you start dating someone but nothing is perfect and sometimes doing things out of order ends up being a good thing.  When it comes to men, I’m finding this to be an advantage and in most cases can thank my lucky stars that my spidey senses about a hangover kicked in before it was too late.  My talk with one that I’ve known for a few years now was quite enlightening when he revealed why he never pursued anything with me after several outings.

While the story doesn’t quite go the way he remembers since it was me who told him I wasn’t interested, I’ll let USBC believe things were under his control.  During one of those conversations with someone of the opposite sex the question of who I’m involved with almost always comes up, and when I responded there wasn’t anyone right now who was appealing, USBC says he tells me the reason he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything serious is because didn’t want to do that much work and was afraid of me.

Too much work and afraid, huh?

I knew this talk was about to get interesting and he begins explaining how afraid he was that I would be that one woman to do a number on him.  Meaning, he’s so used to being the one in a situation/relationship causing the other grief and pain, the idea of someone doing the same to him wasn’t something he could contend with.  Just like a few others, USBC couldn’t believe that he could have stumbled on someone who was sexy, smart, funny, adventurous, spirited and kinky like me could be kept by a man like him.  As such, he figured it was best to go with a “safer option” and began dating some low maintenance chick not having to worry about doing any real work to keep her happy.

For some reason, this was so funny to me because a lot of my friends always wonder how the boring chick seems to score in relationships and marriages and it’s because they’re considered low maintenance or as he said – low maintenance.  I think this Huff Post article gives the most accurate description of this type of woman saying she is “willing to repress her own needs in order to make no demands on her current or desired partner.”

Taking it a step further beyond her submissive ways, envision what she is typically going to look like.  She is likely very basic if not frumpy, does minimal to keep up her exterior appearance (she would never rock a Ruby Woo lipstick and a stiletto is out of the question) and is likely sporting everything au natural.  The type of woman who is low maintenance might be a loner or a homebody.  Most importantly – just rolls with the ebbs and flows, accepting of all of the bullshit these men may send her way.

Almost always, she’s being cheated on for a woman like me and just as USBC explained to me – the very things that makes a man like him interested in being with her, are the same things that he ends up despising once he realizes she just doesn’t go it for him. In my eyes,  these women aren’t winning a damn thing.

I’m totally stoked about this conversation for two reasons – the most obvious being able to figure after only three dates that we weren’t a good fit based on what I was hearing and now, this man being comfortable enough to actually divulge what I’ve suspected to be the problem with dating all along:

The insecurities of a man are most often the reason for all of the drama and headaches with dating and relationships.

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Sorry fellas, I’m not the beat up Toyota Corolla with 200,000 miles that only needs the tires kicked every now and then.   But I’m not the Phantom Rolls Royse running you $650 a pop for a basic oil change.

I AM a woman of substance who takes pride in her appearance and has enough self-respect to know my worth.

Accept it and love me or leave me alone.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

He Didn’t Wear Heels

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Last week’s date marked the first time I’ve gone out with a non-black man and while one “quick” meet up will never allow me to claim an interracial dating experience, at least I was open coerced enough to have tried it.

During that excruciating hour and eleven minutes with the hangover I’ll call Guido, a few things became perfectly clear to me:  (1) nearly every man lies about at least one thing on his dating profile, (2) broken English and improper verb tense isn’t something I’ll ever be able to stomach, and (3) being told how beautiful I am repeatedly in one sitting is a little creepy.

That being said, to say that I was turned off by Guido is an understatement and while he was planning on making the night last even longer by moving from drinks to dinner, I politely declined saying I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling like it hadn’t been fed in weeks.  The second and third realizations can certainly be annoying, but it’s that first one that kills me about men just like Guido who lie, lie, lie when it comes to their profiles and according to scientific research, 81% of the people out there are lying about something. 

Height, age and weight tend to be areas where the deception is the highest.

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While Guido still looked a little bit like the profile photos posted he was just a shorter, bigger and more ethnic version of himself in real life.  Obviously I’m not very good at hiding my reaction to this actual version because he asked me why I seemed to flinch when he walked into the restaurant where we met. 

It wasn’t really a flinch but more like me silently asking who the fuck is this when seeing he was about 5’7 (profile said 5’11), chubby with stubby fingers wearing a jacket his body was screaming to get out of (profile said “athletic”) and while it didn’t matter either way, appeared to look more Latino (profile said mixed race). 

Of course if he’s going to ask what I thought about his appearance, I’m going to explain how different he looks and do you know this fat bastard even had the nerve to joke about the height discrepancy by saying “I’m not wearing my heels today” before quickly changing the subject. 

After he began the lengthy sales presentation about himself, I soon learned a few other things he lied about in his profile including his profession and ethnicity. 

Guido isn’t really in executive management but is a financial analyst who probably thinks he’s the big cheese because of the travel perks he received and pimps out to the ladies.  Also, when asking if his family still lived in Puerto Rico since he’s always traveling there (must have forgot he told me that’s where he’s from) I was confused when he shook his head like I said something offensive, before replying that he was from Chile.   This little tidbit explained realization number two.

Once again, there’s another fraud in my presence who ironically,  complained about having met WOMEN who weren’t what they depicted in their profiles.   I guess he decided to pay it forward thinking there was nothing wrong with little white lies.

Dating in general is already pretentious and risky enough without having to worry about the “little things” people aren’t truthful about either directly or indirectly.  Here’s the thing about lying when it comes to your appearance – unless you’re able to make some miraculous physical transformation before we meet all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure, while eliminating yourself from ever having a chance at a second date.

Someone needs to tell these ass clowns to just be up front so they can stop wasting precious time, energy and gas.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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3 Signs the Date Wasn’t So Great

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“So um hypothetically speaking, let’s say you and I keep doing this right here you know and after about three months we’re in a really cool place.  Does that mean you’ll eventually close out your dating account or do we have that conversation when you feel like you’re ready?”

Blank stare.

“I’m ready, you know what I’m saying because you are the type of woman who is on my level, is over the clubbing, you’re a good parent and think the same way as I do.  So um are you ready to take this to the next level?”

Fool, what level and why are you talking like you’re with the homies on the corner?

No exaggeration, this is really how he speaks and all while I kept whispering to myself “Shut the fuck up, please just shut the fuck up”.

This is our first date on Friday night and unfortunately, our last but this poor guy missed each and every signal being sent his way to tell him that he was on Fantasy Island all alone.

Mr. Me (aptly titled) was too busy talking about himself the entire time, trying his best to sell the idea of him being this really great catch. Oh, and this is even though he lied about his age and height on his profile, wanted me to know that I nearly missed out.  The nerve of him taking a moment to  admonish me for my initial blow off and of course, there’s a back story.

Just a few weeks earlier Mr. Me was rubbing his eyeballs as he stared in disbelief at my standard farewell text message to guys that says “Sorry, we’re not a good fit”.   With all of the you knows, and uhs and you know what I’m saying along with a barrage of other faux pas making a conversation with him straight up painful, I knew he was a little too “urban” for me.

Why in the world do I keep forcing these types of situations is a mystery to me, because my profile even tells these prospects that an intellectual AND articulate man is best for me.  He was neither but in the interest of not being a snob or too picky, I decided to give him a chance and once again my second guessing and pity-dating ways have turned against me.

Back to the date, knowing that he’s much shorter with a body proportioned completely different than what his dating profile depicted, along with him having understated his age, I immediately transitioned from a mood of being hopeful to one of placation.

Sadly, Mr. Me was so self-absorbed in chatting about everything related to him from his rough upbringing (I likened him to Ricky and his brother was Dough Boy from the movie Boyz n The Hood), to his side hustle as a stylist.

While he’s plotting a plan to convince me to get offline and get to the “next level”, I’m working a mental calculation for my glass of wine and appetizer.  Keeping my portion as inexpensive as possible is generous, especially since I already knew this was the first and the last.

He totally missed this and everything else.

There were all types of amber warning lights being sent his way both during and after our date letting him know things weren’t as wonderful as he thought and here are the main three that he missed:

Lack of Eye Contact

This wasn’t too difficult to do because the smart guy chose the awkward seating arrangement. Instead of suggesting that we sit at a different table, we settled into a long lounge style sofa and he decided to sit next to me.  Poor thing missed me rolling my eyes to the ceiling, sighing in frustration.  He’s planning date #2 and I’m watching the clock.

Even during the moments when he started in on the “next level”, not once did I turn my head turn to acknowledge him.  Mr. Me said nothing about this lack of attention because he just didn’t pay attention.

Avoids Physical Contact

The advantage of our particular seating arrangement is that at any moment I could have reached over and touched his arm if I was feeling him.  I may have tapped his hand a few times, or willingly moved closer to him.

There was none of this and when he went for the seated side hug (picture it, very awkward), I stiffened up like a dead dog and pulled the opposite direction.  Once it was time to go and he tried for a good night kiss on my lips, my neck snapped so quickly he got nothing but a taste of hair.  There was nothing from my mouth in the form of words or body language otherwise to tell Mr. Me that I was feeling him, nothing at all.

Slow Response/No Response to Texts 

Even if the date wasn’t a smashing success, a quick thank you text was still sent to Mr. Me though some people won’t even do this.  It’s either going to be taken for just that and nothing more or provide hope that this will happen again.   But even if he was still clueless about what was not about to happen that same night, my vague responses and lack of interest in keeping any dialogue going the next two days should have been a clue.  Still, he didn’t get it and up until last evening was still texting me asking how my day was etc…

Clueless.

It’s amazing how many men fail to pay attention to words being said (or in this case, lack thereof) and what maybe going on with a woman’s body language.  Once again I found myself being out with someone for the sake of doing it, more out of guilt for rejecting him because I didn’t think we had anything in common.

One wasted outfit and a few gallons of gas later, so what’s a girl to do after all of this?  Call up her old faithful fuck buddy to redeem herself and end up with some real fireworks.

I just can’t do any more of these pity dates.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
myhangovers@gmail.com

Girl, Don’t Send That Text!

 wpid-screenshotedits-1.pngIf someone is struggling with an addiction or having suicidal tendencies, there’s help.   One call to a dedicated number can offer support, fresh perspectives and hopefully prevent someone from doing something they’ll end up regretting.

So why in the hell has no one ever created a crisis hot line for dating? You know we need it!

There’s always some man or woman acting a god damn fool over someone they’ve been dealing with and shit has taken a turn for the worse.  They’re about to send some convoluted text message, blow up someone’s phone and leave some stalker-ish message that’s about five minutes long or worse – go on over to the house and wait for someone to “talk face to face”.

The end result is always something foolish,  only to be regretted soon after  so there needs to be a dedicated friend and number for these occasions.   Just imagine something like that special red phone you see in the movies where some dude is waiting for the word – detonate the bomb or diffuse it.

This is what I was thinking about before speaking to a friend of mine this evening.   She had been calling me a few times throughout the day, but we kept missing each other.  Finally, she yells out I really need to speak with you and it’s about some guy she’s been seeing for about a month.

Sadly,  I was too late.

I wasn’t there waiting on the crisis line to help her earlier and as a result she violated each and every rule of dating.   Especially when there’s no commitment AND things are too new.  She caught feelings for a man who was on one of those “doing me” kicks,  she got emotional, said some things, then texted some things, then just had to leave a lengthy voicemail to recap her feelings.

You’ve already done the damage and now you’re calling me wondering what to do?  Shit,  this was like telling me you forgot to pay the bill after the lights have been out for a week.  The damage is done so now this is more like a recovery mission instead of a rescue. A dating crisis hot line could have helped but instead,  there’s now another man thinking that women are nothing more than emotional basket cases.

Ladies, here’s a tip that has taken me many many years to learn – we don’t always have to respond or say something and if we do, it does NOT have to be right now.  Let some of these situations marinate a bit, then plan your attack  course of action and while your girlfriend on the other line may not be an expert it’s still better than your irrational and hasty behavior.

Until there’s a cure….

Carmen Jones
http:// mydatinghangovers.com
myhangovers@gmail.com

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Throwback Dating

Photo Credit: realpointerswithdhane.com
Photo Credit: realpointerswithdhane.com

Nothing is constant but change and this concept most certainly applies to dating.

Over the last ten years or so, the rules of the game have changed drastically and this isn’t just because online dating is now one of the most popular ways to try finding that special someone but our society is now a lot more screwed up.   Simple interactions we used to take for granted such as talking on the telephone or simply saying hello to someone you’re interested in have gone away and the likelihood of sharing an intelligible conversation is slim to none. Some of the ridiculous experiences I’ve had with men from both online contact and the good old-fashioned face-to-face contact and dating are both pathetic and embarrassing but sadly some of the women are not beyond reproach other. I just wish we could rewind the clock to those throwback styles of dating.

Remember when…

A man would see a woman he was interested in, ask for a number to call her and within a day or maybe even less, a telephone call was made and the voices of two interested people went to.

Then…

During that initial telephone call, the two people are either having a brief discussion with a few awkward pauses or may be lucky enough to have one of those marathon calls when chores, homework and even food is being ignored and no one wants to be the first to hang up. It may be with this first call or maybe a couple more, but soon after an actual date is planned where typically it is the man who is asking the woman out for dinner, a movie or maybe even dancing.

Next…

The man just needs her address and he’s on his way to her house and wait for it – gets out of the car. He’s dressed nicely for the date leaving his baseball cap and flip flops for another day and walks up to knock on the door (calling her to come out was unacceptable and honking was criminal). He might have a little something for the woman since it is their first date and soon after she greets him, they’re headed back to the car and on their way.

Then…

As they’re driving to their destination with some “safe” music playing, conversation ensues and…

I think you’re getting the idea where I’m going with this fairytale of sorts. What’s funny and sad at the same time is that anyone younger than 30 or has been meeting the same types as myself and many others, has no recognition of what I’ve described above. Things nowadays are so ridiculously twisted when it comes to dating that THIS has become the norm:

If someone interested in you he or she will ask if you’re on Facebook, ask for your Instagram name, Twitter handle, or Snap Chat name and just maybe you’ll be asked for a phone number text you sometime. After several days or maybe even a week, contact is made using one of the sources above which mostly likely is a text message with something like “HYD”, “WYD” or “Hey” or my personal favorite “Hi Sexy”. It is quite possible that you will NEVER receive an actual telephone call and if allowed, a man or woman will continue to text you, add you to their group distribution lists for jokes and chain letters along with countless requests for photos.

Should the moons and stars are properly aligned, a call might be placed for one of those “in traffic, just called to say hi” conversations and since it’s likely the person on the other end is socially retarded, you’ll end up wishing they had really Facebook’d or texted instead. Depending on how things might be going in a person’s life (as in they’re having problems in a relationship, just been dumped or are really bored), there’s a unique substitution that may be offered. It’s either presented in the form of you “meeting up” somewhere if they suddenly remembered your name and location, “hanging out” at some crowded space with other random people or another personal favorite – asking you to “come through” which is really morse code for getting fu@ked.

Photo Credit: Brian Ward via Twitter
Photo Credit: Brian Ward via Twitter

I could go on and on but again,  you get where I’m going with this and many of us can readily admit how screwed up the dating scene is.  As if dealing with another person’s baggage, lifestyle challenges and everything else isn’t enough, now we have a generation of lazy daters.  I just wish we could bring back that old school type of dating.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

14,608 Days

In less than 24 hours I’ll be celebrating my 40th birthday and I’m soooooo excited!

A small part of me wants to bitch and moan about being single, not having a snuggle bunny at the end of the night after I’m all sweaty and tipsy but to hell with any of those negative thoughts.  I’ll never understand why turning a year older seem to be such a daunting event instead of it being a time of celebration.  So what it’s cuffing season and there aren’t any good players on the bench, but at least I can say I spent the year doing something that makes me even more of a catch – working on me.

Who does that, right?

I could certainly accept the possibility that in all of the time spent this year with finishing up school, traveling to Europe, stepping things up as a public speaker and more, I’ve made some pretty half-assed efforts towards meeting Mr. Right Now.  No need to go down that road and besides – I didn’t come here for any of that stuff because there are more exciting things to think about such as my birthday party and the few hangovers who have been invited.

You know my golden rule when it comes to men not making the cut is to put them in the cozy friends zone and if I actually had some type of feelings for them, leave them the hell alone.  So obviously, if I’m comfortable enough to invite several of them out to mingle with close friends, these are the ones who are either harmless and have never even gotten close to getting booty.  Although I am expecting to see that one who has flipped it, smacked it, handcuffed me and had me screaming for more.  Oh the joy in watching my friends trying to figure out which is which.

mystery manI can’t wait and hopefully will have a tantalizing story about how my night ends but until then, I’m wishing you all a very merry Christmas and since January is the start of new resolutions for most, get ready for some new dating adventures.  I’ve heard that there are quite a few things to expect as a 40 year-old woman when it comes to dating (expectations/needs) and the sex drive as well.  This should be a very interesting year for me.

Until there’s a cure. ..

Carmen Jones

Some Things I Can’t Forget

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Do you have any specific skills or abilities that seem quite useless to most people but may end up being helpful in other cases?  There are several in my repertoire that make support my fabulosity and one happens to be the ability to remember every face and while remembering specific details about him/her; details that the average person wouldn’t have given a second thought about.  Now the usefulness of having face recognition is certainly helpful if I ever needed to identify a criminal in a line up but for the purposes of dating, this skill is extremely useful but perhaps is a double-edged sword at the same time.

The benefit of this along with an elephant-like memory is that I can avoid time wasters I might meet on the street or online.  I’ve talked about how many times a man from the past has reached out to me online trying to make another connection.  The fact that this happens often enough can mean one of several things – I’m the vision and type of woman certain men really want, like-minded singles keep flocking to the same types of sites or I have dated far too much.  It is quite likely to be a combination of all three and in most instances where some dude I know from somewhere, met up with or even dated a few times is going to be the one I wished had never contacted me the first time let alone a second or third.

Even with all of the garbage mail received from creeps, losers and those who just didn’t make the cut, no matter how fancy a man gets with his profile and photos, I WILL remember him.  For instance, this past weekend a message came in from a guy who received one of my “take care” send-offs about a month or so ago and even though he switched around his photos and changed up his profile a bit, he was still known as being the douchebag who called the shots on who handles the check.

I remember EVERYTHING about my interactions with men.  From how they were dressed when we met, if they had a fresh scented or heavy cologne, spoke eloquently or stuttered, had a wandering eye or receding hairline, are sloppy kissers or really great lovers, if they never open doors or didn’t check to see if I made it home, tried to strangle me or were steps away from committing date rape.  I remember it all.

So when a cute guy reached out last week and I looked at the profile photo next to the message a wave of familiarity took over and I mumbled to myself “He’s a cutie and I think I know him”.  Once I read the profile of this BlAsian (think mocha-colored Chinese man if he smiles too hard) looking man and noted the physical characteristics, his background in law enforcement, hobbies and sarcastic style of writing – a quick scan through the rest of the photos confirmed my hunch and it was time to respond and I added “I think we know each other, what is your name?” Waiting for his response seemed like the longest two minutes every and sure enough – it was exactly who I thought it was and once I told him my name, that recognition kicked in for him as well.  A few moments later, numbers were exchanged and we started one of those catching up conversations.  Most of my encounters with comebacks are unpleasant and I feel as if I’m being cursed for someone even making contact with me again but this one was welcomed.

The BlAsian and I are on a roll trying to squeeze in over 20 years of life experiences before we have to get back to work and then he asks the dreaded question – why did we stop communicating?

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He commented how gorgeous I was and that any time spent together when dating, from what he remembered was good, so he couldn’t understand how it took him a change review of a woman’s profile designated as being a 100% match for him to reconnect with me.  My memories of him came flooding back as well;  I was very much attracted to him (he still looks the same), he was a sharp and quit-witted man with a decent sense of humor, fabulous in bed and worked long/late hours.  A hangover indeed and while our ending took place as a result of a pretty serious event, The BlAsian isn’t one of those men I had ever developed a true dislike for.

I was hoping he would forget about wondering and move on to the next topic of discussion but he didn’t and pressed the issue asking what happened.  You better believe the reason why we stopped dating and ultimately fell out of touch was crystal clear to me and I even replied “I don’t think you want to ruin this happy reconnection moment” but he wasn’t letting up so I told him in a way that only I could – we stopped talking because I chose not to keep our child. Yes, yes – I was pregnant and my memory tells me my mind was made up the instant I found out and at 23 years of age, just one year shy of finishing college, a baby definitely was not part of my life plan.

There was a LONG and awkward silence followed by him saying:

“Oooooh.  Yes, that’s right and I was so upset with you.  No, I was completely pissed with you because you know I wanted a child of my own badly and you pretty much killed that dream.  But that was a long time ago and I’m so happy that I’ve found you so let’s get on with it.”

He says let’s get on with it, as if life had just been on pause for all of these years and he’s assuming we can just reconnect and run through the sunflower fields.  I still remember how pissed off I was at him when he flat out told me that he would have nothing to do with an abortion and that I was “on my own” if I did it, so  I’m not so sure about the let’s get on with it.  There were some trifling things on my part that came after our last baby talk that I won’t share now, but I’m wondering how much of our past he actually remembers.  Aside from all of that, I have my suspicions on why he’s been a single man for several years so it’ll be interesting to see how this reunion of sorts works out – if at all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When Your Past…

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Last week there was a short quote that was shared on Facebook that said “If your past calls, don’t answer because it rarely has anything new to say” and wouldn’t you know, within one hour I received a random text from one hangover and a telephone/text message from another.  The moons and the stars must have been in perfect alignment because there is no desire to deal with either Good on Paper or Out of Sight yet for some reason, my responses were a little inconsistent with the two.  For the latter who had been told many months ago that it’s just something about my dealings with him that makes the idea of trying to be friends nonsensical, and that is exactly how I replied.  No hard feelings against the man who had me in a vulnerable position because my heart was invested, but no thanks – I’m not interested and wished him well.  Good on Paper? Call me a hypocrite, but I handled him a little differently.

Good on Paper is definitely a hangover but he’s a bit of an anomaly because there may have been moments of no contact, we never got too carried away in our dealings with each other to have caused us to cut off communication completely. Things with him just came to a head when I finally got to the point of no longer needing him to satisfy my voracious sexual appetite and if you’re looking for a little background, you can go here and here.  You know how it goes; things just get old after a while so it was time to move on and once he realized his advances were going ignore, he kind of drifted away. Until his text which was nothing more than a simple question asking how things have been meant to test the waters.  The response back was pretty dry until he responds again and the dialogue went as follows:

GOP:  “It’s that time again”.

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ME:  “Time for what?”

GOP: “Time for us to meet and deal with us”

ME:  “Ah…. No dear, I don’t think so. I’m pretty far beyond the random booty sessions.”

GOP:  “Me too.  We need to have lunch and talk.”

Confession # 1 – in the 7 years that this man and I have dealing with each other, about 99.5% of the conversations we have had (yes, even the deep discussions) have always been AFTER an immensely sexual adventure.  I know how this would go starting with us making a plan for a meet up, something coming up in our busy lives and us settling on him stopping.  It’s pretty much a wrap after that for anything platonic because the chemistry is crazy.

Confession # 2 –  Good on Paper has always and I mean always, been one of the most easy-going individuals I have ever dealt with but at the same time, has always been one of those men not easily read or able to figure out.  At this point in my life, there’s really no interest to even try to understand what his angle is when we reconnect and to be quite honest, there is no need.  Back tracking to any man from the past is like digging that slice of bread that was dropped on the floor out of the trash- I already know it’s tainted and I should just get another piece so why bother.  There is no “us” to talk about but what the hell, I decided to call his bluff and accept a dinner invite for Friday night. 

I like a man who takes control. He chose the restaurant, made sure cocktails were on the way and was the perfect gentleman by coming out to greet me at the door and since it has been well over a year since we have seen each other, the man welcomed me with one of the tightest, longest, boob smashing hugs.  I’ll admit that there was a momentary flutter in my stomach as I stared up at him and damn – this man is still sexy as hell.  Dinner was delicious (went with his recommendation), conversation flowed perfectly and there weren’t any indications of any ulterior motives afterwards but then he bluntly asks “So how is your love life?”  My reply was completely honest when I said that it was nonexistent and since he’s come out of nowhere with all of this I asked him what’s going on with him and why is he reaching out.  He responds by telling me how he always wants to reach out and connect but is afraid of me being involved with someone and giving him the cold shoulder.  Okay, fair enough but it’s what he said afterwards that really clued me in which was plain and simple – he’s lonely. 

I’ve known that over the past few years Good on Paper been steadily climbing the corporate ladder and one of the things that impresses me about him is that he is educated, extremely smart, has an ambition to succeed that is out of this world and still maintains street smarts and a hustle mentality.  So he shared that he’s now reached an executive level, loves his career and added that he might have something here and there but really has no time for anything serious because he has to travel– correction, he does atremendous amount of traveling. He’s noticing how the other executives are all married and has been feeling like the single odd man out and misses not having someone to communicate with consistently, doesn’t have a woman to come home to after being on the road and most importantly, is welcoming the idea of having a partner once again.  It was an interesting get together indeed and after a few hours at that table, managed to talk about everything from wanting to strangle our teenagers to him becoming buddies with Willie Nelson to his latest venture at creating a competitive new app.

It would be an understatement if I simply said I had a nice time and afterwards, we walk through the parking lot to our cars and after a final hug went our separate ways.

He’s got brains, good looks, is a great father and provider, is artistic and has phenomenal sex.  It’s a shame that nothing ever seems to come out of “us”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones