The Death of Dating

He didn’t have any standards,  so she kept lowering hers.

She stopped caring about making a good first impression, so he stopped taking a last look in the mirror before walking out the door.

She stopped requiring a phone call, and agreed to dares through a string of text messages .

We’re all guilty of ruining the dating scene- both men and women.

Interested in reading more about how we’ve gone from searching for the “right one” to someone “cool to hang with”, click here  to check out my guest post for Digital Romance.

Digital Romance is one of the best online resources for dating news and advice.

Carmen Jones

Reappearing Act Gone Wrong

It’s amazing how men think they can just disappear and pop back into your life like it’s nothing.  But this hangover thought wrong and caught me on the sober end of taco Tuesday.

Grab your headphones and get ready to LISTEN to a raw and UNEDITED explanation of why I sent that venomous text in my last post.

This is my first time trying a podcast style post, so don’t judge me.

I was pissed.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9Z8h58LxeVOWXFfSmRHWTNkazg/view?usp=drivesdk

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Dating Someone Who’s Been to Prison

Where do you draw a line in the sand that separates judgment from an inability to relate? It seems as if a lot of the men trying to date are in situations that make it hard for a woman to want to deal with them.

Before I explain further,  you can obviously  tell that not much is cooking in terms of prospects.  I may chat with the men I’m meeting online and even the ones I’ve encountered in person, but nothing sticks.  So my dating experiences haven’t gone beyond a few meet ups that have gone nowhere or I’ve just been dealing with the old faithful bench players holding it down in the friend zone.

If you know anyone who’s tried online dating and is still single, they surely have told you about the cycle.  We go away, but we come back and a couple of weeks ago, I reactivated my profile for like the fourth time this year.

Sadly, the same old song is playing.

The men I’m interested in are either cocky as hell, unavailable to date, far away (Nova Scotia is a stretch), or just not into me.

So by design, the men I am not interested in are sticking to me like flies on shit.  They are either unattractive, perverted, too thuggish or for a lack of better words- are true struggle bunnies.

Let’s take the gentleman I exchanged numbers with a few days ago who I’ll call Felonious Monk.

He’s decent looking guy (says his photos), owns a transportation business, is literate, has a great sense of humor, and the biggest score is his intellect.  He mentioned a few times how he had grown weary of the types of women he was involved with former the past, and was now looking for that “sexy, smart, corporate chick with a bit of an edge”.

That’s me, that’s me, that IS me!!!

Now while he isn’t college educated, he’s obviously spent a lot of time reading and taking in knowledge to converse about a lot of things.  I could tell he had a few rough edges, but nothing too bad was revealed from our first conversation so this one sounds decent, right?

Um, yeah.  Let’s get to that follow up call which starts out talking about living situations, kids and our backgrounds.

I’m not judging BUT 46 years old and roommate just doesn’t sound right.  He explained he was helping out a friend and not even charging him rent, so it was more of a “staying with” vs a true roommate.  Okay, whatever.  

These living situations have pretty much become the norm in California so my nose twitched a bit, but that little nagging bitch in the back of my head meowing forced me to allow what is normally a turn off and deal breaker.

The “who lives with you” talk naturally went to children and again, not judging because once again, a man with multiple children is the norm after 30, so I barely batted an eye when he said he had three.

But how many mothers?  Three.  And so it begins but gets worse.

This revelation would have had the average woman wrapping up the conversation, but I allowed the conversation to continue and then he makes a comment about people getting second chances at life.

Lord help me, I wasn’t ready.

Listening to him talk about himself and his upbringing was like turning the pages in a book on urban history;  like some “Losing Isiah” meets “Boyz N The Hood” type shit which involved a single parent household with a father nowhere to be found.  A mother strung out on crack cocaine not paying attention to what her kids were doing which led to him dropping out of school, joining a Los Angeles street gang where he hustled and sold the same drugs his mother was fiending for, and eventually – he became a career criminal.

The longest stint in prison? 7 years hence the name.

What’s so crazy is hearing how easy it was for him to get women;  the types who were attracted to that thug life which offered nothing but drama and for him – resulting in his three baby mamas.  So it’s no wonder he’s talking about wanting a different type of person who’s pretty much a square but how does that work?

I tried not to be judgmental and in spite of his checkered past, I could tell from his conversation he wasn’t a dumb man.  In fact, Felonious Monk came across as a highly intelligent, fairly articulate and driven man who claims he learned his life lessons and just wanted to live a normal life with a woman by his side.  But still…. that past is something that can’t be ignored.  Or can it?

You’ll often hear (black) women complain that there aren’t enough available men, however this isn’t entirely accurate.  They ARE out there.  It’s just a matter of how much you’re willing and able to deal with and sometimes I ask myself if I should have stayed with the bipolar, manic depressive, porn addicted, serial masturbator, emotionally manipulating, microscopic penis having ex-boyfriend instead of dealing with the dating scene.

I think it’s an inability to relate or accept those things were in the past, so I pretty much shut him down last night.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Types of Men to Avoid When Dating 

Years ago when people actually read email forwards, I remember one that had been circulated quite a few times.  It was called the 12 types of men and while it was really targeted a more”urban” audience with its references to thugs and baby daddies, but still had a few on there that everyone could relate to.

Having become a seasoned dater, I can honestly say that I’ve probably dated every type of man there is – both  good and bad.  

While it’s true there’s no such thing as perfection with anyone,  there are definitely certain types that can drive you bat shit crazy or close to it.

You’ve read about many of them here from Special Agent, to Good on Paper and if course there are the nondescript types like Papi. 

For more on the types of men women should avoid, head on over to Digital Romance and check out the full article!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/5-types-of-men-avoid-like-plague/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones 

Down with the Swirl

Everything about this latest situation is different. 

I woke up this morning to both dogs at the foot of the bed; Thelma on his side and Louise on my side.  Every now and then, feeling each one turning around head as if to make sure we’re in our spot.

After snapping the photo of our guardians, I turned over to study the intricate design of his tatted back.  I love the way his olive skin tone allows each detail to pop.

Oh yes, I said olive.

I said this was different; it’s my first time swirling while dating and I like it.

We all know I’ve had plenty of success stories and this blog tells you how those all ended.

No expectations here, but can I at least hope for no more disappointments?

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When The Texts Stop Coming

2016-08-18_19.07.40I think it’s fair to say that we’ve all been in a situation where we met someone new, exchanged numbers and after a few text messages, felt like things may be going in the right direction.  But then the communication starts changing a little bit or those texts stop altogether, leaving you wondering what went wrong and I’m sorry fellas – the men are normally on the receiving end of this confusion.

But have you ever wondered what you may have sent that may have turned a woman off?

I’ve got a couple of reasons to explain why we stop responding to text messages, so head on over to Digital Romance to check out my latest article.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Profile photos men shouldn’t share

On and off, hide and reveal, resign and restart.  The vicious cycle known as online dating and for the life of me, I just don’t understand how men can continue to sabotage themselves by ruining the most important part of the process – the dating profile and specifically, the photos.

Do these men not realize that they can turn a woman all the way on by what he’s sharing in his profile and just the same, can turn us off completely by choosing the lazy, cheesy and sleazy photos like this debonair fella right here:

20160620_213255

Yes, this is an actual photo from someone’s profile and yes – he looks like a teenager and made me feel like a pedophile for viewing it and yes – you’re welcome for the red box editing to spare you the unruly hairs and extreme shrinkage.

If only I could be the fairy godmother of dating and tell these clueless gents what NOT to do but for now, you can check out my post written for Digital Romance, Inc.,  5 Photos Men Need to Stop Posting Online.

Digital Romance, Inc is the premier source for using the power of technology to get the best dating advice articles, podcasts and videos delivered at the tap of a button.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

 

5 Things Women Want in a Man

what women want

Someone new reached out to me over the weekend online and sent this:

I know there’s  less than a snowball chance in hell that you will even respond to this message, but sending it anyway.

Your profile is well written and you’re photos are great,  depicting a woman who’s  at the tip of her game. Yet you’re  single (presumably) and online.

This might be out of line, but I’m guessing you’re still single because you’re looking for that perfect guy  on your carefully crafted list of about 101 different things.

But maybe… just maybe I’m wrong and if so, you’ll respond and we’ll end up riding off into the sunset.

Just hoping I’m  at least I’m the top 10.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Interesting opening message and I’m case you’re wondering what in the world I’m saying in my profile, let me assure you – nothing that prompts this kind of reply.

In fact, it’s been edited to just the basics: I’m single, have a cat, enjoy photography and blogging and looking to date.

That’s all.

But the strikes a chord with me. There are so many people (women included) who believe there’s this ridiculously long complex list of requirements singles require.  Not true, not even  a little bit so I put together 5 things a woman really wants in a man.

You can check it out on Digitalromance!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/women-want-in-a-man-5-things-simple/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

About Digital Romance:

Digital Romance, Inc., is the premier resource offering some of the best advice on dating and relationships.

Older Men With Roommates?

imageFor the love of God,  why are there so many men with roommates in Los Angeles????

I haven’t even begun to share the details about the guy I’m supposed to be dating “exclusively” because I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to have agreed to that, and so soon.

So in my moment of doubt  (and being a tad bit trifling), I went ahead and signed up on another dating site.  You know, to poke around a little bit a see if I stumbled on someone who has it a little more together.

And guess what  happened today?

I exchanged numbers with a guy who seemed interesting enough.  We’re about 10 minutes into the conversation and he starts complaining  about not liking the city he recently moved to.  He mumbles something about having been too rushed and not taking his time to find a place, so I asked for details.   Sure enough, he finally tells me he has a roommate and even better?

It’s a female.

imageGot a 4 bedroom beach house with plenty of bathrooms and living space?  Totally understandable.   Sharing cramped spaces in the basic Los Angeles apartment building?   Not so much.

I know what some of you may be thinking.   Just know that it’s merely a preference to consider dating a man who is independent and self-sustaining.   It isn’t about judging their situation which for most part, may only be temporary and you better believe there are many women who think like this.

imageBut what happens if things progress?  So now it’s me and him planning visits around a roommate,  considering their plans, wants or even moods.   And what about when it comes to fucking?  Tell me to stop moaning so loud,  stop grabbing the headboards and no more smacking of the ass?

This is the FOURTH man in a row who has approached me with a sketchy living situation.

I just can’t and if I do, it’ll  be half -asses because I’m too damn old to play the tip toe game for someone’s roommate.  All I ask is that a man possess the basics,  and of he can come with more, even better.  It’s sad to know that the older they get, the worse off they seem to be.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Single With Benefits

image

I’m still here and yes, still single.

This chick here has been quite busy over the holidays and am just now starting to get into the swing of things after ending the year trying to knock out some of my goals that I’d set which included the usual suspects such as:  losing weight, saving money, traveling, meeting “him” and purchasing a home.

The bad news is when it came to losing a couple of pounds and meeting him I failed, failed, failed.  I got nothing, nada, zero, zilch to offer for either of those two major goals.

The good news is that I hit two of the major ones out of the park – I nailed the savings/debt management AND purchased my first home!!!  I did it on my own and in one of the worst places to purchase property, good old Southern California.

Ah… what a great feeling and while I’m trying not to let what one of my friends joked about being a homeowner raises the bar even higher for the types of men I’d consider taint my joy,  I would be lying if I said there wasn’t some truth to what she said.

The pickings for men who have it together that aren’t bat shit crazy or self-absorbed assholes are pretty slim and not even considering the ownership portion, a lot of them are shacking up or back at home with their parents.  It seems like so many men are really struggling but are always putting themselves out there to date.  I don’t get it.

But to be honest, there’s not been much focus on dating or dealings with any man for that matter, including Papi.  The last potential who at first glance kind of seemed like someone I could entertain as a dating prospect that I’d met right before Thanksgiving ended badly because no matter how much of a gentleman he claimed to be, accepting rejection was NOT his forte.

For days, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, with impressive conversation and book smarts which all changed once I started phasing him out:

image

Then I see he’s not getting the nice way of me handling things and send him the pink slip, and he responds with this:
image

He’s not the first and surely won’t be the last of his kind who can’t handle rejection.

Do you know how often men actually stoop to this level? More often than you think another blogger shares here. Clearly, he was really in his feelings and I’ll have to share some choice words from another guy who couldn’t take the “not interested” reply and read me the riot act on of all things, understanding rejection.

Then there’s the fall back guy Papi, whose sole purpose in life was to make my fantasies of multiple orgasmic nights come to life but towards the end of the year, that routine became old.

  I guess I just got tired of trying to figure him out and interpret his mixed and often cryptic messages that were as frustrating as solving a rubik’s cube with too many missing pieces.  Zero patience or time for that song and dance and even as recently as a few days ago, have been ignoring his attempts to bring in the New Year with sweating and groaning by sending messages like this:

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Yes, that is exactly what you think it is  and ordinarily these kinds of tempting sexting messages  would have me drooling.  I decided to opt out this time around.

So for now, not much has changed on the hangovers scene.

Perhaps since one of the things I’ve been wanting for so long (being a homeowner) has satiated the desire for something else I’m wanting (a good man) and there are so many things I want to do to fix up my new place as much as possible in the next couple of months to keep me distracted from dating.

But…with my short attention span, I suspect I’ll be back to trolling for prospects pretty soon.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Great First Dates

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

In case the point isn’t being emphasized enough, I think we might have a winner so let’s just call him Winner!

Last night’s date was a smashing success and even better, the feeling is mutual since we ended the night by texting each other pretty much the same thing and woke up texting nearly the same words as last night which – we were happy to have met, enjoyed the relaxed and open conversation an agreed how everything flowed effortlessly.  Our chemistry was amazing and if you were looking over at our table while we laughed over good food and drinks, you would never have known that we were on our first date.

It’s about damn time and I’m so glad I didn’t let the tiresome day and drain of the week stop me from going through with the date.

A real date (not one of those bullshit Starbucks coffee meet ups), where the man did the planning (instead of asking what do you want to do), asked about details (were we dressing causal or adding a little flair) and most importantly, the person showing up matched who was being represented online (I’m sure he’s closer to 5’7 than 5’9 but still, he looked like his photos).

The most important detail?  He’s ready.

Winner wants to settle down, is over the dating scene (especially online dating though I’m only the second off the site) and mentioned a word that resonated with me greatly – partner.

Not once during our discussion which included everything from beer to golf to real estate to intimacy, did he say he was looking for someone to “chill with” nor did he say a girlfriend is what he wanted but he made it clear that he was looking for a partner.  What’s even better is that he had pretty clear meaning of exactly what that person was, how she took care of herself, her mate, the kinds of goals in life she should have and more.

It was surreal sitting beside a man that was on the same page and he’s thought long and hard about how to what he’s looking for in a woman (though I’m concerned he might be in too much of a hurry to end his single status) and seems pretty confident that I’m exactly what he’s looking for after only one meeting.

He’s nice-looking, has a stable career, able to articulate well and has an amazing sense of humor and just as he was complimenting of the type of woman I represented, he appears to have so many qualities that I’m looking for in a man but of course – there are always a few things about a person that don’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy or quite simply, are turnoffs and deal breakers.

His living situation, his ovary hustling dreams and the puff-puff.

Winner owns a 3-bedroom home not far from me that he shares with his 6 year-old daughter and his ex-fiance.  That is a BIG problem for me because I don’t give a hoot how much a person can say something is over, living under the same roof is not a clean break-up.  If you hear his story, it probably makes him look like a good guy with a huge heart with a lot of patience until the courts had to get involved.  But so what, I don’t like the sounds of an ex anything being in the same house. Not only are the feelings still there which may be good or bad like this article points out, for the new person coming in to know that you are just a few feet away from a late night or early morning booty creep isn’t something that would set well with any sane person.

“He’s not ready to start a new relationship. He’s still living with someone” – Exetiquette.com

Now the only saving grace is that he says the ex has a court order to be out of the home by February 1st 2016 which isn’t far away at all, but as I’ve said time and time again – situations like that are messy and a person really should not date or entertain anything similar until their old business has been fully handled.  Sure that date will be here before I know it but so what – I’m not okay with it and as a result, he’s been forewarned that he has earned a spot in the friend zone.  Who’s to say what will happen in February and how messy what is essentially an eviction (because she wouldn’t leave voluntarily after the break up) ends when the time comes so again, the living situation is an issue for me and likely for any other women he’s attempted to date.

My online profile says “does not want children” and his said “undecided/open” and just in case my response here isn’t clear, it is mentioned during any messaging and I assure you, he and I had this conversation before meeting where I made it understood that there was no on the fence for me.  I’m 40 years-old with a teenager and I don’t care if he’s the most doting father ever, having another one if so not an option for me.  So during dinner the topic comes up again where he’s mentioning “one more kid, maybe a boy and….” I have to remind him that if he’s set on hustling these ovaries, I’m not his girl.  He joked around a bit more and mumbled something about being able to change my mind and I believe he’s really convinced of that.  Not good, not good at all.  Is he going to be the one who acts as if he’s accepting of one thing while plotting all along to veer a person in the other direction?

Last concern is the smoking – why does it seem as if every black man I’ve met in the last two or three years have a habit of smoking marijuana?  Each will make it seem like they only smoke “occasionally” in the beginning but then really fess up to needing a hit once or a couple times a day.  Most women (unless they’re tokers too) don’t care for it and I’m not really a fan either so while it isn’t a major deal breaker since it’s something I did long ago, I could do without.  His saving grace is that his lips aren’t discolored, I didn’t smell it in his clothes and the bonus he added is that he doesn’t smoke blunts.  Really, he said this like it was for bonus points or something while mentioning the benefits.  Ummm, okay.

Okay, so there you have it – a great first date and introduction to a (seemingly) nice guy along with some points of pain.  I won’t mention my concerns about his level of eagerness to move forward because it’s possible there have simply been so many men I’ve met who weren’t about anything serious tainting my opinions.  For now we can both practice a little patience and continue getting to know each other but as I stated earlier, with some definite boundaries on how far until issue #1 is handled and ironically, he had a few recommendations for me.

“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”

While talking about past relationships and relations, we both revealed that side bar sex buddy – for him, some young 20’something who was good for nothing more than a quick roll in the hay and a little smoking an for me, my 18 year sexual marriage with Papi.  He offered some interesting insight on why things have been going on for so long saying I shouldn’t be worried about how his living situation is going to end because it will be a simple split in a couple of months, but more concerned about ending my dealings with Papi which are a must before we get serious.

Now really – which do you think is the bigger issue to resolve?  My unrelationship which has never been anything more than in between the sheets or his 5-year dealings with a woman he once said “will you marry me” to?

I’ll let that sit for a moment or for as long as it takes for his unfinished business at home to be resolved.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

When He Shows the First Sign of Crazy

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time” – Maya Angelou

It’s just after 6am and I just ended a telephone call by telling two bold-faced lies to the man on the other end.

The first lie was that I was entering underground parking (with not a structure in sight) and would be losing reception and the second lie was that I would call him right back.

After about a minute of listening to the venom spewing from his mouth, I was beginning to wonder if this dude was a loose cannon, and for the remaining nine minutes on the phone with him, my suspicions were confirmed.  I would be deleting this nut job immediately so please – allow me to introduce Jaded Jack (“JJ”).

I met JJ a few days ago while hanging out with a few friends and while he wasn’t much of a looker, he was decent and came equipped with a nice set of teeth, sense of humor and his casual banter was entertaining.

Since we exchanged numbers in passing, we really didn’t have time to get beyond the basics such as names, age and status.  It was just in your face, this is who I am and if you think you might like me, let’s take a chance kind of dealings and boy, did that “chance” end up being more like a risk.

See, this is what I miss about online dating.  A lot of what we learn from someone’s profile and those pre-screening messages such as career, schedules, children etc… may not necessarily be obtained at the time of meeting.

Someone like me needs to know a few details about someone I may end up dating but you can’t really fire off tons of questions when you meet a person without coming off as putting them through some kind of inquisition.

Then again, online dating isn’t foolproof either because looking back at the hangovers of the past that I did encounter online then meet doesn’t exactly scream “Winning!” either, huh?  I guess this just means that meeting compatible and decent people or dating really is like playing a game of craps and JJ was the snake eyes rolled with wobbly dice.

Now… About this morning’s first conversation (post meeting) which went just like this:

Yeah, I just finished my push-ups and am normally up around 4 or 5am when I was working.  I was laid off from Pepsi-Cola and was doing a stint with the school district, but I’m better than cleaning up classrooms and stuff like that.

In fact, I’ve got a meeting with the union this afternoon to try getting my job back.  So now because this punk ass coworker came at me sideways and we got into a heated verbal altercation I’m out of a job…”

“People keep telling me I need to just bite my tongue but that just isn’t me.  See, this is why I’m not looking for anything right now – not a relationship.  Nothing.

I’m just looking for a cool friend until I can get myself situated and everything worked out right.  I need someone who doesn’t want to fight and argue every day, because I just went to hell and back these past two years in my last relationship. I’m a bit jaded but I’m not looking to be with anyone right now.

The woman I was with took me to a different place and would always accuse me of cheating, said I was still sleeping with the mothers of all my kids (yes plural and no, I didn’t care to ask how many) but then would remind me how fine she was and how she could have any man she wants.  I know I’m not the finest man in the world or the tallest, but when a woman sees what is between my legs, SHE will be blessed…..”

Ninja what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?

In case you’re wondering, here’s what I said to prompt this type of reaction: “Hey, you’re up early this morning.  How’s the day starting out?”

That’s all.

He went from zero to 100 real quick acting as if he had lost his flipping mind. I don’t even remember him having taken a breath in between his rant nor did he notice that I was completely silent on the other end, eyes bucked wide open and jaws gaped as I took in everything he was telling me.

As I’m approaching my office, all I could envision were his blood vessels on the brink of exploding and him foaming at the mouth while he went on another tangent about his two-year emotionally and physically abusive, confrontational and destructive relationship with a ghetto Bonquisha.  His words, not mine.

Aside from simply hanging up, how the hell do you react to someone like this? Now that I think about it, there were probably two things I was able to fit in which included “Wow, it took you TWO years to figure out all of these things about her” and something like “People shouldn’t ignore the warning signs” but that’s really about all because clearly – this conversation was about him and him alone.

Finally, he decides to takes a breather and this was my chance to tell him my two lies.

I’m thankful JJ revealed so much about himself and did so right away.  He’s right about needing nothing in the form of dating or a relationship right now and to be honest, he doesn’t even need a new friend or casual acquaintance and most certainly it won’t be me.  This man reminded me so much of the explosive Bullet and really needs a therapist and some anger management training, not a new female friend who’s only going to be used as his personal punching bag.

I will never understand how so many men and women plagued with personal problems and drama believe they’re in the best position to meet someone new, even if for nothing more than friendship.

Please believe that most of us aren’t looking for the perfection in a person that doesn’t exist, but you sure as hell better have your life together and your attitude in check.

No thanks JJ, I’m so good on your wonderful offerings of friendship and “blessings”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

We’re Just Friends

I felt some kind of way about one of the guys who has been in the friend zone now for about 3 years and it was a cross between empathy and not giving a shit, with the scales tipping closer to the latter.

Should women like me feel guilty because we have one, two or ten men in the friend zone? I say no, unless we’re giving them some false hope that they can actually be something more.

The guy I’m talking about?  He’s nice, thoughtful and considerate but this is exactly where he will be as far as the eyes can see but sometimes I feel sorry for him.

As I realized how much fun we had together during our latest adventure and any of our other outings (from movies to camping to water parks and even concerts), a part of me really hopes he would meet the woman of his dreams and he would leave his fantasy of anything between us in the dust.

Then I started thinking that maybe I’m blowing smoke up my butt and realized it’s possible he’s been over the thought of us being anything more.

I tell myself I’m nothing more than the filler in times of boredom and a need for a good times or willing participant if he’s scored an extra ticket to something, so he’s already accepted his position with no expectations.

That is until he sends this text message a few hours after our latest roller skating adventure:

“Make sure you stay dry in this rain – I know how you women stress about your hair getting all wet and tangled.  Oh, and I’m still hoping for the day I get to run my fingers through it and maybe even pull it. Kidding, but not really.”

He tried it.

Not the first time either because about a year or so again (we had been drinking, so a pass is given for impairment of faculties), he tried to slip me a kiss on the lips as he was leaving my place.

When I didn’t respond to this not so subtle way of saying he wanted to talk about more than rain, he sends a recovery message saying how much he values me “as a friend” and really enjoys my company when we’re together.

These are just a few scenarios of how a guy tries to handle being stuck in this twilight zone of emotions because it’s what he asked for.

“When confident, social people get stuck in this situation, they cut their losses and move on.”

If you’re wondering how someone (man or woman) even finds themselves in this type of situation, there are three different possibilities of how it happened: (1) they were shot down from the gate because someone simply wasn’t interested, (2) started seeing someone and within a few dates (or sex), didn’t make the cut or (3) were in a relationship and being friends was offered as some kind of consolation.

I don’t like sharing, won’t accept second best and don’t go for the friends line.  If a man knows my intent and isn’t interested in playing,  I’m out.  Bye, see ya!

In this guy’s case, I wasn’t physically attracted to him because his online photos (shorter, fluffier) and persona (not confident, lack of drive, unsure of what he wants and drinks way too much) didn’t match with who I actually met in person.   After the first date I told him he was really fun and cool to hang with, but that we weren’t a good fit.

I DID NOT SUGGEST THAT WE JUST BE FRIENDS.

Honestly, I’ve never muttered the dreaded “I think we should just be friends” because of my thoughts on these types of fifth deals:  If you were interested in dating someone or worse, getting in a relationship why in the world do you think offering or being asked to just be a friend will work?

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Does your attraction or interest in a person suddenly switch from on to off?

It doesn’t work and guys (or women) are only settling and selling themselves short because their needs aren’t going to be met.

Since he is truly a nice person and I’m guaranteed a good time whenever we’re together, a part of me feels bad for him.  I find myself sizing him up and thinking if he did a, b or c and changed x, y and z then he may have a chance at something.  If one of my well meaning friends asks “You sure you can’t just overlook some of those things”, I’ll do the same assessment.

But then the other side of my brain understands this is what HE asked for and is old enough to know the risks of being stuck in the friend zone.

I no longer have to wonder if he’s accepted our situation for what it is, because his actions and comments tell me he has been hoping for a back door entrance into my life as something more than just a friend.

Too bad buddy.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

Shit or Get Off The Pot

It’s been a loooooong time coming, but finally my time has come around again.   After the last conversation Papi and I had, we both resolved that the feelings we had (albeit confusing) needed to be dealt with.

“After so many years, how could we not have some strong emotions” he said somewhat emphatically.    He’s so right and after quite a few years, I’m finally on the same page with a man.

We both realized it was worth a shot trying something that was beyond the sex. We spent a lot of time talking about what our ideal companion looked like and conceded that we were likely looking right at it- in one another.

It’s amazing how I rarely will take a leap of faith without any second guessing and with him, I’m doing just that.  In fact, he wasn’t out the door more than five minutes before I went online and canceled my dating account.  Now here I am thinking of what’s to come and while only time will tell if there’s anything here, if we’ll revert back to cut buddies only or worse, nothing at all.

I might be getting closer.

But wait…..

There’s just one thing- this isn’t exactly what’s going on with us since my last update because in reality, not a fucking thing has transpired after our little chat.  Not a word, conversation, text and I do mean nothing, nada, zilch.

Let me tell you what did happen.

Papi said what he had to say, I said what I had to say.  I asked him why he never ever said anything to me about his current “state of confused emotions” and most importantly, why he never ever mentioned anything to me about how he’s felt in the past.

He said he figured it was just best to keep it to himself and not rock the boat, which is how we’ve been able to carry on like this for so long.  He just kept feelings to himself and since I never gave any green lights that said “Go”, he figured he would stay in his lane.

Blank stare.

I probably stood there glaring at him in disbelief before finally responding “What the hell?  You never gave me any signals or indication that you wanted anything but the red light so how would I have known?”

I wanted to know why he never asked if I was involved with someone whenever we struck up another round and after all of these years, why hadn’t he mentioned that he was even remotely interested.  He said he didn’t want to hear about my involvement with another man and I told him to a woman this translates into you not giving a shit about anything else.

I told him I wasn’t a mind reader and that if he was interested, he should have just said what he needed to say and deal with it.  This went on and on for a few rounds and eventually he starts laughing and tells me “Damn Carmen, you sound just like a man with some of the things you’re saying to me”.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told something like this which further proves that my innate ways of saying or doing the types of ridiculous things most men are guilty of doing are right on the mark.

Papi recognized this and it made me wonder if he’s used to being the one on the other side of the fence.  We realized we weren’t getting anywhere and besides, it was already late at night so we bid our farewells and he was out the door which takes me back to the beginning of this post – the fact that nothing in the last two and a half weeks has transpired since that night.

We kind of left the “state of confused emotions” hanging for the past two and a half weeks but the art of practicing avoidance isn’t one of my strong points.

I would much rather face things head on and deal with the outcome, whether it’s to my satisfaction or not and although we had a quick session last week, I haven’t said anything else and neither has he. A few months ago I made the comment about knowing why I was single and not understanding what his deal was, someone who was seemingly such a great catch.

Yet after a few discussions about his interaction with different people such a particular co-worker and more importantly, his ex-wife, one thing jumped out at me.

His style of communication which was in his own words, not always received very well adding that he had been told many times that he came off as being condescending and not giving two shits about much of anything.

Okay, perhaps avoidance of issues is just how he rolls but that is so different from me.  I would much rather hear something standard of these kinds of men like “I’m just not in a position to offer you anything more” than nothing at all.

If there’s anyone out there willing to explain to me how things should work from here with this sexual relationship while we’re trying to ignore the elephant in the room, I’m all ears but my inner instinct is telling me exactly what should happen from here.

I need to resolve that I’ve arrived at that time in my life where I need to stop allowing this man to be my eternal back up plan.

That’s what he has always been because any time I’ve been in between relationships and the dating prospects haven’t been too serious, he has been there ready to provide and fulfill my needs but it’s never been for anything more than just sex.

There’s no specific explanation I can provide for why it took me this long to catch feelings.  18 years.

I can only guess that it was my turning 40 and having one of the most definitive ideas of what I’m looking for in a man.  Or maybe I can guess again that it was due to my lack of involvement with any real distractions (men).   Hell, I can even guess that once our intimate interactions took a turn, we began to explore each other’s boundaries a lot more, things got really intense and intense the hormones became confused with emotions.

Whichever the case, it’s not something that fits into any logical place for me and I would be lying if I said we could just carry on like usual is a possibility.  I think it’s just time to move on and this time – it needs to be for good.

It makes me wonder if I should have said anything to him at all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

That One Connection

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I’m addicted to him.

I realize this addiction after my latest encounter with Papi just a while ago, and while we have been at the sexual affair for almost 20 years, the unthinkable seems to be happening.

It just keeps getting better and this feeling is what frightens me the most.

Incredibly sensual and the chemistry is always intense.  The kind of interactions that most people will never experience in a life time.

We continue to explore and no take each other’s bodies to another level.  So tonight, it was my turn to be the dominant as I talked and nanny instructed him through each and every touch, kiss and stroke.

This man is truly my 50 Shades of Grey and this isn’t quite a sexual addiction, but an addiction to intimacy with him.

Oh, and what about dating?   Nope, nada, zilch.

I’m not even interested in trying to date and would be lying if I said it was solely due to the lack of quality men.  Instead,  my real issue is the “what if”.

What happens if I meet someone that I like?  That would force me to do exactly what I’ve done for years- pack him up and store him like some old discarded toy that had no use.  It’s like dating would be an unwelcome distraction or something.

Scary yet again, this all we have been for each other over the years and we know it is what it is, though each of us have done a few things outside of our boundaries as of late.

Him, with an invite to see him and enjoy a little music threw me for such a loop, I totally missed that he wanted to see me OUTSIDE the bedroom.  It never happened.  Totally out of character for him.

But I also stepped outside of my boundary a few days ago.  Texting him, saying how I couldn’t wait to see him when he returned from a trip.  Totally out of character for me.

Still….this isn’t us.

We know why I’m single and slowly but surely, I’m figuring out why he’s divorced and single and may likely have that status for the rest of his life.

Messed up situation that literally feels so good and so right.

I guess the cure I’m waiting for isn’t from the dating hangovers- maybe the cure is for him.

Carmen Jones