The Ghost of F@ck Boys Past

They say when you close one door, another one opens.

But isn’t that new door supposed to come with something new, different or better than the last?

Any leftover energy is released and I’m increasing my chances of meeting and dating a really great man. This is how it should work.

So if I absolutely decimated the relationship with one man because it was no longer healthy for me, the next man that makes contact with me should be the REAL thing, right?

In what I thought was the most pristine way possible,  I told Papi to disappear.

Forever.

I’m still processing everything and the scathing response that followed,  but I did.  Which leads me to my question above,  because in my mind, letting go of that confusing situation would make me 100% available.

No lose ends, no chance of a comeback.

So today,  just a week later I’m getting a message by the only other man I had allowed the back and forth shenanigans from.

Good on Paper.

We have lots and lots of history starting here and here.

This isn’t my idea of “better” after closing that first door.

I don’t need a replacement fuck buddy for Papi, so why must the sex gods be so cruel to me??

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Fifty Shades of…

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Last night’s date with a man I originally met over two years ago was painstakingly boring and from the moment we walked into a local spot for a few drinks, my mind was already wandering to the dirty limits.

Who was I going to fuck once I get rid of this sappy dude?  Sounds pretty bad to think about a man while in the presence of another but it is what it is.  The night (finally) came to an end with a church hug and as soon as this ass hit the seat, I was looking at my phone wondering who would be the suitor of choice.

The first person that came to mind was  a definite no, off limits, do not contact for sex or anything else, not ever.  Feeling defeated at having to dip back into the coffers for a little nightcap sex, the mission was abandoned and I went home and settled for giving my pillow some head and my sheets a little ass.

But not tonight.

After sharing my latest dating experiences with my girlfriend Me So Single, I was feeling pretty frisky and told her it had been a few months now since my last encounter with Out of Sight and it was time for some action.

She went through the same checklist of former flings with me and we narrowed my options down to two – Papi and Good on Paper.

I always had great times with the two of them, and each had his special skills in the intimacy department so within a matter of minutes, the bat signal was sent to each of them with some of the most sophisticated wording possible after 2 Mai Tai’s – “I’m HORNY”.

We sat there giggling at the message and nearly fell out of our chairs thinking about the comedic reaction had I sent a group message instead that allowed ALL of them to reply.

So damn tempting, but I didn’t and instead just sat back seeing which fish would bite first.  Papi responded saying he was on his way home and would meet me there.  Me So Single already knew this meant whatever time we had remaining at the restaurant to shoot the breeze was coming to an abrupt ending.  This is what great friendship is all about – no one standing in the way of another when it comes to a kitty call.

Papi is truly my fair weather friend  with benefits and the only reason I stopped dealing with him last year is when I was trying to focus on that other guy but hey – I’m very much single and ready to tingle.

Lovely indeed how this man never seems to disappoint and when I walked into his house, and he immediately began to undress me with his eyes.

I knew we were about to indulge in some pleasurable grown up fun.  The man has always been an entertaining lover. Making it his mission to ensure that there are multiple orgasms had before I leave and we have played around with toys and even handcuffs, but tonight was quite different.

When he pulled out some type of chord for the television to stream music I jokingly asked “Oh, is that chord for me” to which he replied “It can be if you want”.

A sly smile crept across my face and when he started playing around with the video record feature and grinned at my sexy faces and poses to watch myself, Papi asked “Would you like to experiment with this one day as well?” to which I replied yes, some day but for now….he can just get ready for me.

He’s so methodical with his movements and talks to me with a firm and steady tone.  Instructing me to get on the bed on my knees with my back towards him then asks me he doesn’t have his cuffs but can improvise if it was okay with me.

Trying  to respond with words proved to be a little difficult because by now his tongue was making its way to my g-spot but while he’s working there, I suddenly hear the sound of velcro followed by something being wrapped around my left ankle.

Of course my reaction is to look behind me to see what he was doing, but as soon as I moved my head, he dove deeper inside of me with his tongue.  Okay bad girl, keep my head straight ahead is what came to mind until a few moments later, I hear the same sound and can feel the same thing being placed on my right ankle.

No other connection was made other than something being strapped to both ankles but I was still free and soon, was told to turn around and lay on my back.

Staring this man in the face and going up to run my fingers through a mass of tight, black curls, I’m now noticing how his expression has changed to one that gave me an idea of what was about to come from fifty shades of Papi.

Literally and figuratively.

He leans in and begins ravishing my mouth with his tongue, going to my breasts then back again to my mouth and suddenly there’s that sound again and the same contraption on my ankles is now on both of my hands.

Nothing more to think about since both my feet and hands were still free but then things get interesting as he stops to link the two hand cuffs together and for a minute, my mind is trying to make the connection.

Are my hands going over my head clasped together?

Is he about to flip me over on my back so my hands end up behind me or something else?

The answer was neither because in a matter of seconds, my hands AND feet were bound together in front of me and for one brief moment, there was a little trepidation about what was to come next.

I know for a fact that “Oh my God” was probably said over twenty times as I shook, shivered, convulsed, moaned and whatever other voluntary and involuntary actions my body went through.  This man devoured, touched and explored EVERY part of my body and I do mean nothing was left untouched.

We definitely tapped into areas that had never been experienced in the 15 years that we have known each other and let me tell you – if you have never experienced any type of kinky sexual experiences involving anything from blindfolds to vibrators to bondage, you have absolutely no idea how heightened your libido and sensation can really become.

You might be wondering how is it that the sex with this man can get even more interesting.  The fact is that he always keeps it lively and out of curiosity, I even asked him how was it that he was so damn good.

His response was that he ready books and a lot of them, starting back in high school with a 300-page vignette on the anatomy of women.  Papi takes the time to know and understand the woman’s body which in turn, means he is focused on her ultimate pleasure and satisfaction.

Damn does it show and I joked while getting dressed that I felt as if I should be paying him.  Now that’s some good shit.

My hormonal cravings have been satisfied for now and oh – as I was driving home, guess who responded to the bat signal?

Good on Paper asking if it was too late or if I had already moved on to the back up plan.  The lack of response should have answered this for him so sorry, the early bird gets the worm.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When Your Past…

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Last week there was a short quote that was shared on Facebook that said “If your past calls, don’t answer because it rarely has anything new to say” and wouldn’t you know, within one hour I received a random text from one hangover and a telephone/text message from another.  The moons and the stars must have been in perfect alignment because there is no desire to deal with either Good on Paper or Out of Sight yet for some reason, my responses were a little inconsistent with the two.  For the latter who had been told many months ago that it’s just something about my dealings with him that makes the idea of trying to be friends nonsensical, and that is exactly how I replied.  No hard feelings against the man who had me in a vulnerable position because my heart was invested, but no thanks – I’m not interested and wished him well.  Good on Paper? Call me a hypocrite, but I handled him a little differently.

Good on Paper is definitely a hangover but he’s a bit of an anomaly because there may have been moments of no contact, we never got too carried away in our dealings with each other to have caused us to cut off communication completely. Things with him just came to a head when I finally got to the point of no longer needing him to satisfy my voracious sexual appetite and if you’re looking for a little background, you can go here and here.  You know how it goes; things just get old after a while so it was time to move on and once he realized his advances were going ignore, he kind of drifted away. Until his text which was nothing more than a simple question asking how things have been meant to test the waters.  The response back was pretty dry until he responds again and the dialogue went as follows:

GOP:  “It’s that time again”.

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ME:  “Time for what?”

GOP: “Time for us to meet and deal with us”

ME:  “Ah…. No dear, I don’t think so. I’m pretty far beyond the random booty sessions.”

GOP:  “Me too.  We need to have lunch and talk.”

Confession # 1 – in the 7 years that this man and I have dealing with each other, about 99.5% of the conversations we have had (yes, even the deep discussions) have always been AFTER an immensely sexual adventure.  I know how this would go starting with us making a plan for a meet up, something coming up in our busy lives and us settling on him stopping.  It’s pretty much a wrap after that for anything platonic because the chemistry is crazy.

Confession # 2 –  Good on Paper has always and I mean always, been one of the most easy-going individuals I have ever dealt with but at the same time, has always been one of those men not easily read or able to figure out.  At this point in my life, there’s really no interest to even try to understand what his angle is when we reconnect and to be quite honest, there is no need.  Back tracking to any man from the past is like digging that slice of bread that was dropped on the floor out of the trash- I already know it’s tainted and I should just get another piece so why bother.  There is no “us” to talk about but what the hell, I decided to call his bluff and accept a dinner invite for Friday night. 

I like a man who takes control. He chose the restaurant, made sure cocktails were on the way and was the perfect gentleman by coming out to greet me at the door and since it has been well over a year since we have seen each other, the man welcomed me with one of the tightest, longest, boob smashing hugs.  I’ll admit that there was a momentary flutter in my stomach as I stared up at him and damn – this man is still sexy as hell.  Dinner was delicious (went with his recommendation), conversation flowed perfectly and there weren’t any indications of any ulterior motives afterwards but then he bluntly asks “So how is your love life?”  My reply was completely honest when I said that it was nonexistent and since he’s come out of nowhere with all of this I asked him what’s going on with him and why is he reaching out.  He responds by telling me how he always wants to reach out and connect but is afraid of me being involved with someone and giving him the cold shoulder.  Okay, fair enough but it’s what he said afterwards that really clued me in which was plain and simple – he’s lonely. 

I’ve known that over the past few years Good on Paper been steadily climbing the corporate ladder and one of the things that impresses me about him is that he is educated, extremely smart, has an ambition to succeed that is out of this world and still maintains street smarts and a hustle mentality.  So he shared that he’s now reached an executive level, loves his career and added that he might have something here and there but really has no time for anything serious because he has to travel– correction, he does atremendous amount of traveling. He’s noticing how the other executives are all married and has been feeling like the single odd man out and misses not having someone to communicate with consistently, doesn’t have a woman to come home to after being on the road and most importantly, is welcoming the idea of having a partner once again.  It was an interesting get together indeed and after a few hours at that table, managed to talk about everything from wanting to strangle our teenagers to him becoming buddies with Willie Nelson to his latest venture at creating a competitive new app.

It would be an understatement if I simply said I had a nice time and afterwards, we walk through the parking lot to our cars and after a final hug went our separate ways.

He’s got brains, good looks, is a great father and provider, is artistic and has phenomenal sex.  It’s a shame that nothing ever seems to come out of “us”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

5 Types of Men Online

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of trying out the online dating experience, this may be news to you – it sucks.

For the others like me who have tried everything from eHarmony to Black People Meet to Match and a few rounds on the ultimate cesspool known as Plenty of Fish, you will certainly agree that there are certain types of (special) people who call themselves dating.

On your quest to find love and happiness with a good man or woman who wants the same, you might come across the Socially Retarded, Really Unavailable, or Down to F@ck (DTF’s) types instead. I’m thinking nearly every type including the ones above have frequented my inbox, assaulted my ears by telephone and maybe even my sugar walls, but here are the 4 main types of online daters that come to mind and they are:

1. God’s Gift to Women
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Coming across the man that usually seems to be the complete package is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. He’s typically going to be very good looking, have a stable and high paying career (not just a job), likely doesn’t have too much baggage (never married/no children), educated and smart, owns one or more homes, and in his mildly or incredibly high arrogance, WILL constantly remind you that he is basically the bomb.com.

GGTW’s may or may not show their true colors in the beginning and even if you find they’re showing traits you dislike or straight up treat you like shit, it’s hard to leave them alone because of the many qualities they possess.

Example hangovers: Special Agent, The Calm, Asshole.

2. Transitional Project
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It seems like the main ones flocking to the dating scene are the same ones who have absolutely no business trying to date. They’re not ready.

Wondering if you’ve met a TP? His profile or conversations may include statements like “I’m starting over and…” or “I’m trying to get back into the groove of things after…” and even “I’ve got one foot out the door…” and maybe even “I’m just seeing what’s here”.

This man has unfinished business with a relationship, may be in between jobs, recovering from some health or financial crisis, looking for a place to live, or is still bitter from the last relationship that went wrong. He’ll try to convince you to just be a little more understanding since he’s just a little down on his luck.

The TP has no conscious or guilt about dragging you into his world of instability and turmoil, and the crazy fact is that he’s likely to be very good looking AND may be putting it down in bed better than the GGTW types. Perhaps this is why in spite of his deficiencies; so many women get caught up with him.

Example hangovers: Good on Paper, Rescue 911, Enron, Full Metal Jacket, countless hangovers who never made it to the blog.

3. The Workaholic
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The title is obvious for the type who thinks that meeting women online is THE best way to go, you know, because he rarely is away from a computer. He’s quite similar to the TP man and because he’s probably dealing with all of the same issues, he is always working so you’ll rarely get to speak to him and will have grown gray hairs waiting to meet him.

He has a demanding job, travels often and rarely says no to overtime. Fortunately, a woman will have a clue about his hectic life and schedule because workaholics will tell you in a profile that reads like this:

“I’m a hard-working man who puts in 60 hours a week…”

“I work a lot and don’t have much time for…”

“I travel a lot and would like an activity partner…”

Believe me- I’ve got plenty to say about this one because this type has drifted in and out of my life often. He really either has no time OR more aptly put, refuses to make any woman a high enough priority to make time. This man is really looking for fillers for any downtime he may have; someone to exchange a few texts with to make sure he’s not lost his touch, someone to call on those long commutes home, or a bed warmer after a long days work.

Women, beware because the workaholic may be confused with the GGTW. Also, he knows how to bait and reel you in by initially showing you plenty of attention and seemingly available to date and work on a relationship. Girl please! If you are lucky enough to see this side of him, it’s probably because he’s on vacation or realizes what it takes to get a woman’s attention.

Dating this type of dude only works for a certain type of woman.

Any women looking for the Friday date night, someone to join you at the kid’s soccer practice, or anything remotely close to consistency, this is NOT the one for you.

Don’t get me wrong – having a financially strapped man is no good, but trying to date one who doesn’t care to balance a career and significant other is just as bad. One word this type is missing -BALANCE.

Example hangovers: Rescue 911, Special Agent(technically, he probably doesn’t fit here since his hard work was more outside the office, managing his harem of women), The Calm, and Jersey Boy.

4. Damsel in Distress
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Yes, I used the feminine term because these are the men who act like little girls- they’re the mitches. These types are needy as hell, likely to be damaged emotionally, have crazy from mood swings, and involvement with them will surely lead to the most stressful times of your life.

Damsels are the polar opposites of The Workaholics and what’s odd is they may be just as busy but will make time for you but will want
ALL of your time, energy and attention. You may experience his PMS moments, argue over insignificant things because he’s a drama queen, and may even witness an emotional breakdown or two.

The profile of a Damsel seems too good to be true and for the most part, they treat you well. Advice if you meet one? RUN.

Example hangovers: Full Metal Jacket, Sybil, Jekyll, Enron.

5. Mr. Nondescript
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What else can I say about this type other than telling you to get ready for some really confusing times. I think he’s a smorgasbord of all of the above, and is probably a pretty good catch.

The downside of dating this one is that you will never figure out what he wants with you or life in general. He’s hot then cold, off then on and basically all over the place. I think it’s far better to know if you’re dealing with someone who just wants a buddy or just wants sex, but when he acts like he wants marriage one day then falls off the radar the next? I just can’t deal.

Examples: Too many to name.

This is exhausting just thinking back on this list, and I don’t think anyone can ever say I haven’t given different types of men with different situations a chance. I’m just tired of meeting the wrong ones faking like they’re the right ones.

I’m just tired of the dating hangovers.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

The Crymax Experience

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“Move your arms again and I will punish you and go harder, do you understand? Keep them up just like that.  I told you when I saw you again; I was going to make sure we parted ways with you being extremely satisfied.”

I can remember nodding followed by some kind of inaudible sound coming out of my mouth, which wasn’t good enough so he responded with a devilish grin and a deep thrust.   The reaction to that was a loud yelp and “Okay sweetie, I’m sorry” which turned him on even more as he began to rhythmically drill into hidden corners inside of me.

Soft whimpers of pleasure escaped my lips, my eyes closed and just as my hands were about to leave the wooden slats on my headboard, he slowed down the pace; whispering a reminder in my ear, while licking my lobes in between words.  I have several erogenous zones and this man seems to affect each and every one, so my body is going crazy with this overload of sensory stimulation.

I enjoy it when my men talk to me in the bedroom. Not the lame “Whose _____ is this” or “Does it feel good” type of banter, but real talking. Telling me what he likes, how he wants me to work it, when to slow it down or when to pump it back.

Even more, I love the role of the submissive and as I bite on my bottom lip playing back the events of that day, realize how long it has been since I’ve been this turned on.  The regular trysts with Papi are always exciting and full of energy but this was different, this was new.

Dripping with sweat, sheets all over the place, headboard loose, hair matted, thighs and arms achy, voice is hoarse and body is severely dehydrated.

Ladies, have you ever had an orgasm and fellas, do you know what it feels like when a woman is having one?

Some women may not understand what it means to have one either.  I’m talking about a really intense sensation, where you can feel the build up of your release starting from the bottom of your feet, moving through your toes and to your groin like an electric shock dancing through your body.   You find yourself clenching your teeth, breathing becomes shallow and uneven and whatever is near your hands at that moment is going feel all of that energy.

This is the best way I can describe it and when your partner is noticing all of this, experiencing all of the ebbs and flows from your body, if he’s in tune with you will be turned on even more. Mmmm…..

So as I’m nearing my moment, I could feel my walls squeezing, getting tighter and tighter like a vice grip.  What is he doing?  He’s stroking my face while telling me to stop holding back and let it go, enjoying every moment. I’m no longer breathing faster, grabbing him tighter and feeling like I’m in a daze until finally, I couldn’t hold it any longer.

That moment came when I had to succumb to that sweet joyful ending, leading to me yelling, moaning and yes- even crying. This is what is meant by a crymax; not streaming tears or sobbing but the results of being overcome by emotions because it’s that good.

I just laid there for a minute, in amazement, thinking how I had thought his kinky fetish for toys like the Flesh Light would have left him incapable of performing with the real thing.   Meanwhile those same walls just kept pulsing and pulsing and more pulsing.

Ah…..this was my Hope Experience.

I can’t make this shit up if I tried and for the life of me have NEVER placed a man in the “best I ever had” list based on the first experience. This man has definitely been placed in the top three just based on the number of times he was able to will my body into releasing over and over and again and again.  I stopped counting how many after six.

Many of you may not realize this, but it has been over two years since I had a completely new sexual encounter. All of the time my escapades had been carried out with former flings or hangovers, so to say that I couldn’t wait for something new is an understatement.

Hope is a good guy, but he is damaged goods. A man whose heart had been completely open to love a woman with everything and instead, the same heart had been abused two times in a row. He admitted he’s in no place for anything more which is why he’s been single over two years. So when I reached out to him several weeks ago, my intentions were purely selfish.  Just as I had told one other man (Good on Paper) years ago, I told him there was no reason for me to try dating him and instead asked “When are we f_______g?”.  A date was set, we had an enjoyable lunch filled with pre-sex talk to uncover our likes, dislikes and limits and the results were… well, you know.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers, my needs will not be ignored.

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

Things to Do Before Vacation

 

After 6 days of soaking in the blazing sun, sipping Sammy Sosas by the pool, and reveling in the beauty of the country and people of the Dominican Republic, I’m back!

Back to reality, back to life, back to the dating scene and as much as I hate to say it, back to the hangovers that come with dating.  But everything has a priority after such a fabulous vacation, so I thought I would share my checklist of things to do:

1. Unpack
2. Rest and flush kidneys
3. Mind blowing sex
4. Have multiple orgasms
5. More sex
6. First date with new guy
7. More sex and orgasms
8. Sign up on new dating site

It’s no coincidence that sexual tasks seem to dominate the list, and is a reminder to us all that you MUST get it in good BEFORE going on a vacation. Especially to a place like the Dominican where even the pool boys are hot enough to make your panties wet. Muy caliente, comprende?

I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I failed to have a send off filled with sweated out hair and sticky thighs – so there I was on vacation, having my own private summers.  Perhaps it was Mother Nature’s cruel way of telling me “no Dominican penis for you”, but the cotton pony prevented the bad girl in me from surfacing. While those red sea moments should only be reserved for the main boo or significant other, I was so damn tempted to get a little vacation nookie. There’s nothing like being in a foreign country, with attractive and willing men and a bag full of Trojans. Maybe next time.

Okay, so I didn’t get a chance to taste or feel one of those gorgeous men, but morning’s knock on my bedroom window was the start of a wonderful consolation.  Being greeted by the master of multiple-orgasmic creation was well worth the invasion of my morning sleep in desires. A warm and deep tongue thrust inside of my mouth at the door, other cavities in the bedroom and the hair pulling from behind in the shower? Hmmmm mmmm good.

Good on Paper always comes through, always on time. Sure, these types of escapades with a hangover isn’t what I prefer to do but hell – the man has golden d_ck. I would be a fool to let that go while I’m in relationship limbo, and besides- isn’t he the textbook definition of a friend with benefits?

I always enjoy our moments together, from him making use of a loofa and body wash one of the most sensual acts ever, to him asking me between gasps “Are you okay” as he releases he hands from my throat.

I don’t think I can emphasize enough how in tune my body is with his. Hell, I think I feel my inner thigh still quivering from that powerful climax as I write.

Alright, alright, I need to pull myself together and get ready for reality – my date for tonight. I haven’t had very much contact with this new guy, and he happened to be one of the “catch me before I go” contacts before canceling my membership on ______.com.

I’ll surely provide the details on how the date went, but in the meantime… I need to get back to the rest of that list.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Suffering From Dating Burnout

If only I had the energy to share the plethora of events that took place this past weekend, and normally there is never a dull moment.  I accepted a double dog dare and ended up riding a mechanical bull for the first time, successfully managing to keep all body parts inside  of my clothing.  Next, I had the pleasure of taking in the sights of Marina del Rey while talking about real estate dreams in between several snack runs to a few 7 Eleven stores which led up to the closing ceremonies of the weekend where my fears of becoming the latest nightclub shooting casualty because someone had a crazy temper and hood mentality.
Oh- the last two are just teasers from my dates on Friday and Saturday so when waking up Sunday morning realizing that it would take two separate posts just to talk about that last crazy ass control freak I went out with, I also admitted that I am suffering from a bad  case of dating burnout.I need a break, a new vision and a different way of handling my dealings with the future hangovers.  But here’s the funny part – it isn’t just me.  I’m not the only one who decided to give the online dating scene another crack, so several of my friends and their friends are going through the same trials and tribulations.  Interesting contacts, great couple of conversations, those need-to-stop-obsessing-before-I-jinx things talk, leading up to the eventual meet ups, but sadly for nearly all of us,  things seems to fall apart from there.In fact, I decided to get together with a fellow blogger, MeSoSingleyesterday for a nice lunch as we chatted about everything from our ex-boyfriends, the disappointing pickings online, small penises and finally – settling.
Once I started telling the details from my two dates, I felt the urge to lean over and dab the tears that continued to well up in the corners of her eyes as MeSo continued to squeal “Shut up!!”, “No fuc_king way” and “Wow”.  Don’t worry, there was nothing tragically sad being shared; instead belly and cheek aching laughter which finally was topped off with musings about why I didn’t just walk off and leave both of these men.So after exchanging war stories, I decided I would change things up and take yet another approach to dating although I’m really ready to just give up.  Visions of me happily  powering up the computer, deleting every trace of my profile and then going  but a power up button away from deleting my profile and going out for that fancy tattoo on my arm that says “Bitter Spinster”.  Instead, the following 3 changes will help me to avoid experiencing any to avoid further burnout:
1.   Accept the truth, I DO have a type.

I don’t like short men (nothing under 5’8), thin or skinny (I weighed more than Saturday night’s date), overweight (Friday night’s date straight up lied saying he had “a couple of extra pounds”, or men with long hair (braids, locks or ponytails).

Appearance DOES matter, so I will no longer try to “work with” someone whose photo does absolutely nothing for me. Long gone are the assumptions, hopes, or fantasies that a man has just taken a few bad pictures (sorry, if you can’t get at least 5 out of 30, its hopeless) and he’ll look better in person.  I simply will not entertain any communication and save both he and I precious time and energy.

My type of man is nicely groomed,  formally educated or self-educated from reading and life experiences.  He is driven, has a career with aspirations for more out of life, has class, tact, and is  cultured.  Converses (NOT conversates) well and is job function friendly,  meaning I wouldn’t have to worry about how he would dress or act if taken out of his element. He does exist and my likes and expectations are not unreasonable, so the more I stop trying to short change myself by working under some mystic time line of finding the right one for me, the easier this process will be.

Gone are the pity replies and communications.  If the man has one too many children, is still “trying to get that hustle going” with no other income, lives at home or splits the rent, has shirt less mirror shots or poses with a wife beater and gold chain, is holding his rottweiler up, still won’t write the word “cool” instead of “kool” because of his old gang banging days, has a profile name that has daddy, boo, money, ray ray, day day, or simply spells like a dyslexic gypsy, and has “must be physically fit” listed but is looking three cheeseburgers from needing bypass, next!!!!!!!!!!  No passes, absolutely no more.

You see, I’ve been listening to that inner bitch who has been talking with “those” people.  You know the ones who are in relationships or married and settled for a hell of a lot less than what I’m seeking.  Yet because they may have that steady and comfortable situation for weekend, holidays and events, those of us like me are being given that sorry “Good luck with your search” spill.  Pssh, whatever.

2.  The intent of my search will change.

This one really sounds like a point of defeat, since I’m basically preparing to take the “serious” out and go for “casual dating”.  I really feel as if I’m spinning my wheels because my profile is written to attract a certain type of man.  Not the one who is looking for the pen pal, jump off or random fling, but for the man who is serious about his desire to settle down and find his partner – not a girlfriend or even a wife.  Take the time to think about this, because you know there’s a difference between pursuing all three.  Still, I have to admit I may be selling me self short trying this out but what have I got to lose?  When putting my long-term desires out there I attract those who aren’t interested in the same and want to “let things flow naturally” or as I prefer to call it, winging it and try getting some ass on the side. Or I attract the ones who are way too eager who obsess over the idea of being with me and turn me off like smelly socks rubbed on my pillow.

As soon as I’m able, my profile will be revised drastically to reveal only the basics.  I think it was the date from last week who told me that women share too much and said we need to stick to the less is more approach.  No longer will it say “interested in marriage or serious relationship” because I’m just feeling like that is a quest for a purple unicorn with pink toenails.  But don’t get it twisted because this is not a sign of permanent defeat, yet a temporary measure only.  Maybe setting a goal of having a date at least every two weeks was a bit much (my Tally Diva set a goal for once a week!), because I have no problem with quantity but as the saying goes, its about quality.  For time being, if its a matter of just wanting to get out and see the latest movie, trying out those Culver City stairs or going wine tasting, I’ll connect with those who are appealing and interesting to me.

3.  Keep the kitty satisfied.

What, because I’m not in a relationship with someone, vagina vacation should be in place?  Absolutely not and while I love my battery operated companions like Cici, Carmen (yes, actual name), and Stubby G, nothing compares to the smell, taste and feel of a real man.

Sex is a must, a necessity and I have realized the older I get, the bigger my appetite is and the options?  There has NEVER been a shortage of willing suitors.  Papi is always on stand by, waiting like a fireman for me to pull on that lever and make the call for him to break out his hose.   He’s harmless and is the one who I credit for waking up the handcuff requesting, gentle choking, multi-orgasmic and voyeuristic tendencies alive in me to this day.  Papi has been keeping things exciting for over 14 years.

Of course there’s Rescue and hey- sometimes I might have missed a posting or two, but he and I have been locking limbs off and on since our November break-up.  We make love, passionately and fiery BUT he can no longer be used, not even for that purpose.  Being in love with someone and trying to use them as a booty call is just dangerous and I will miss our moments something terrible.

So that leaves me with one option to soothe me at the end of a long week, or tame the angry tigress after another failure of a date.  The one who has sealed his place in the top 5 lovers of all time – Good on Paper.  Oh yes, him.  He can be quite the obedient one and works well as a f%#k buddy as long as no one tries to add any extras.

In fact, just as MeSoSingle and I were wrapping things up and she decided she would deal with the cute, immature young surfer dude since he had a nice package! I was sending the bat signal to GOP- “I need you at my house in 45 minutes.  Make it happen, understand?”  His reply came within a few minutes and simply stated “Sure”.  A short while later he’s at my door and I’m greeting him in a t shirt and panties but saying I wanted to shower first.  His reply?  I just came from the gym, so let’s shower together.   Since this Sunday evening tryst would take this post in a completely different direction, let me just refer you to one of the last times we “showered” together and leave you with this – boot camp training is making me a lot more limber nowadays.  Mmm… Just the thought of our session makes my mind wander to places it shouldn’t while at the gym, but my song play list is picking up where my mind has left off.

There it is – my recipe for dealing with the burnout from over dating, dealing with the disappointments from the hangovers.  My type is my type, my preferences will not be wavered, my vagina will not be subjected to more mileage by any random dates I may have the hots for.  No batteries will be needed except for supplemental fun to my occasions of intimacy.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

 

 

 

A Week of Revelations

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Week of Revelations

Only time will tell what happens with him or any of these other three OR any of the others I didn’t have time to mention here.”

 I guess the most appropriate place to begin this post is by starting where I left off.  It’s been a little over a week since I last posted and other than the occasional feelings of disappointment, reasoning and a slew of other thoughts and random emotions, not much has really happened directly.  Meaning, I’ve finally taken my own advice of just sitting back and observing what is transpiring in my life when it comes to men. 

I even (get ready) stayed (yep, here it comes) home (really, I did) on one of the busiest (behind New Years and 4th of July) weekends for partying (here comes the scary part) and carefully reviewed the actions of each of those mentioned in A Tale of Four Men.

I really have problems keeping things succinct, but I’ll try. 

First up…….

Rescue 911 – “Ah….no wonder.  It’s in his nature even if he’s no longer doing it not to let things perish.  He may be thinking he can douse just enough water to smolder the fire and in his mind, he’s not letting something die”.   This was something Tall Glass of Wine said to me while we were sharing battlefield survival break up stories on our way to the Foo Fighters concert.  I told him I didn’t understand why after being told repeatedly “It’s not working”, “I don’t want to be with you”, “You’re unable to deal with me in a relationship” and every other phrase you could imagine why he would not give up.

He loves me. 

Without a doubt, I know that Rescue loves me from my almond shaped eyes to my swollen foot.  He’s never had any problems expressing how he feels and what he wants with me on down the road.  Still, his inability to handle life challenges and adversity?  His inability to communicate with the person he’s with?  His inability to see that you trying to go through your battles privately when you are in a relationship is a surefire way to end up SINGLE?  Rescue doesn’t get any of this.  It’s like trying to teach someone without fingers how to quickly tie their shoes.

We are quickly approaching a month – an entire month since I have seen him and I’ll guarantee you this, it isn’t due to lack of trying to connect with me on his part.  He’s tried to talk to me (I’m too annoyed or pissed to accept his calls with the exception of ONE on Friday).  He’s come by the house twice that I know of (and while I don’t know if he’s tried, I’m a little tickled by the thought of his expression trying what he thinks is the door key).  He has texted me asking when we can sit down and talk.  All requests, ignored.  He’s doing just enough not to let that imaginary person or building perish in a fire.  Rescue is acting like a rescuer.

I have those random moments when I may respond and engage in a textversation but it never leads to anything too promising.  I’m thinking back to a comment one of the readers made last week when she said “any response is still a response” but in my mind, this is how I’m slowly weaning myself off the nipple.

Admittedly, there have been a few things that have struck a chord with me to think “Hmm, maybe I should just see him and hear him out”.  Maybe.

The jury is still out but things don’t look promising for a turnaround with this situation at all.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

Good on Paper – You’ll be happy to know that this update will be brief.   Very brief indeed as I have nothing to provide by way of details.  I have not heard anything further from this hangover and must say, he’s consistent and predictable.  I kind of like that.  GOP puts it out there what he’s looking for (booty) and is behaving as such to avoid any confusion about what the situation is (none of those “how are you” calls or texts in the meantime).  I’m okay with not hearing from him and am praying that my hormones cooperate with me and don’t lead to a reunion with him anytime soon.

 I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

 Tall Glass of Wine – By the end of last week I realized what his story was – he’s bored.

Yes, I said bored.  This guy ended his relationship the day before I ended mine, but had been so intertwined with his ex-girlfriend and her children his days were pretty full. 

I never really asked for the details, but knowing he’s an active “get up and go” type of guy, I’m figuring they spent their free time on outings be it bike riding, hiking, movies, dinner, you name it.  I did mention long ago that Tall Glass liked to have a good time and expense rarely seemed to be a problem.

So when he calls me on a Tuesday night…. Let me pause here for a moment.  It’s a Tuesday night (only two days into a new week), a school night (he is fully aware that I have an underage child, not a latchkey kid WITH homework), knowing I wake up at the crack of dawn for work.  Unpause.  …saying “Hey, let’s go grab some sushi”, I was like huh?  I replied “Uh, you know I’m not a sushi nut like you though I’ll eat cucumber rolls all night but did you forget about my little one over here?”  “Oh.  Yeah.  My bad.”

I thanked Tall Glass for the invite and reminded him that unlike his last situation, I didn’t have teenagers and even so, I needed a little more notice on a week night to get myself ready.  I’ve got no problems with spontaneity but to an extent, you know?

Later that evening he sends me a text apologizing and saying he realizes how different his life is now that he ended things with his ex.  I told him that means he needs to figure out what he really wants to do that makes him happy without having to tie his freedom from boredom to another person.  That pretty much ended the texting that night and it turned me off a little.  Tall Glass is attempting to use me as some sort of filler.

Sunday night around 7pm he sends me a text message asking if I wanted to catch a movie.  I replied “that’s what I mainly use my Friday and Saturday night’s for, Sunday’s is more of a family day” to which he replies “I guess I’ll go by my lonesome self and enjoy it”.  Huh?  I jokingly (yeah right, a girl was serious as a heart-attack) replied back “maybe it’s time to do the family thing too” certainly not expecting him to send back “I had one with the ex”.

Damn, and I thought I was having issues with my break up.

I just sat back and observed, making notes of what has occurred.

That leaves me with just one more of the fantastic four (and I say this with all of the cynicism my soul can bare):  Special Agent.

I just scrolled back up for a moment to see how I was working on my succinctness?  Fail.

 How can I quickly summarize the things I’ve noticed with Special Agent in this last week?

 I can’t.

 I’ll have to come back with a follow up because there were a few eyebrow raising moments and I called him on each and every one of them.  In addition, I have a couple of theories about him.  I’m not saying they’re all bad or anything but definitely things to note.

Something funny he told me after reading last week’s post is that he felt I was holding back because I knew he was reading and this is the furthest thing from the truth.  In fact, I’m tempted to e-mail links to ALL posts about Rescue to him so he can read about how he’s responsible for the demise of his relationship.  Tempting, very tempting.

I digressed, now back to Special Agent.  Again, nothing will be withheld, especially not from him.  He comes across as the type of man who is a man’s man – will take being sliced across the hand without so much as a wince just to prove a point that he’s – well, a man.  So anything that is being written about him here (unless he specifically requests that I leave out or simply not mention something that is personal or privy), he’d better be kicking back in his office, feet on the desk and glasses on ready to suck it up.

I definitely sat back and observed this one, making notes of what has occurred.

More to come.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers….

 Carmen ~

Meanwhile… in other news

While the majority of the bloggers (didn’t realize so many of them were in the Northeast) are writing posts ranging from:

– how to prepare for a hurricane

– having the right snuggle boo with you in case you’re in bunkers for days

And

– what singles can do with themselves ALONE without their electrical crack such as computers and televisions

Meanwhile… the rest of us started our weekends dealing with the usual- figuring out what to do on Friday night, wondering how to do a little shopping on a shoestring budget and of course, how to handle the men in our lives.

Man oh man, are the dating and relationship woes are rampant!

Friday – I received a text from one of my girls that simply stated “men aren’t shit”. Uh, okay. I sighed because this is one of those people who never listen to the advice she solicits and always follows the same pattern in how she handles men.
Lola* was stood up by a new guy she started seeing. Again. Like the fifth time. Not stood up as in him calling with an excuse at the last minute of why they couldn’t get together, but the real stood up – no call, no show. Color me irrational, but after the second time I would have been a little leery of him, the third? Done. Anything after that? Just plain stupid.

Saturday – A woman receives a text from a former hangover she has still kept a little “I wonder if..”in her mind about. The guy started off with small chit chat then asked how her relationship progressing and if it was serious yet. She replied it was going fine (at least she was truthful) but added there were certain things she wasn’t happy about (also true but never give the negative to a former fling).

Next, said hangover asked if he could see her and thinking an innocent convo over coffee or something wouldn’t hurt, replied “sure”. Well he certainly was thinking of a little more than some worn out cushions at Starbucks as he suggested he meet up with him in Vegas. She figures she can weasel her way out of this invite by saying it wasn’t in her budget until he replies back with an enticing “a budget would not be needed, just get here”.

For a millisecond, Ms.- so-in-love actually thought about it and instead of replying, fired off a couple of texts to her support team. Luckily, they all replied with a resounding “HELL NO”, followed by “what were you thinking”.

Well, I don’t know WHAT I was thinking. It was GOP and I know I’m not the only one who has that one man or woman in their lives from the past who could throw a monkey wrench in a relationship if they allowed it.

Yes, I’m in the mix as well.

Last but not least, today (Sunday), I get a phone call from someone I’ll call Maxine. I’ve never shared any of her stories but after her telling me I could mention her fiasco’s with men and last night’s drive-by-my-man’s-house-in-your-car-because-he-hasn’t-returned-my-calls trip, I had to mention her for the weekend recap.

Sigh.

Maxine is an intelligent, street smart and beautiful woman. Yet is seems when it comes to men, that first compliment is a little questionable. After she shared that the man we did the drive by on had been avoiding contact with her. My thoughts? There’s a reason and it should be left at that.

So what happens? Maxine gets a call from the guy apologizing, saying how busy he had been (for an entire week??) and how much he missed her. Now suddenly, he’d turned things around with one very convincing text and telephone conversation and she’s wondering why she can’t resist him.

And so the saga continues.

Guess there are quite a few of us waiting for the cure for the hangovers.

Carmen

Carmen’s posting with WordPress for BlackBerry.

The F%ck Buddy

 

Some of us may be confused about our status, some may know exactly what you are to a man or woman but are in denial and there are some who have never heard of this phrase, the Fuck Buddy (FB).

I know exactly what it is, I’ve created one.  Not to be confused with the unrelationship status, this is a person who serves one main purpose.  Fuck me and do it well.

Now before you start judging me, let me explain that I have the needs. These needs consist of me getting my world rocked, my hair blown back and on a regular basis This is where my buddy, Good on Paper, comes in.

The sexual chemistry is and has always amazing between the two of us and I’m not talking about the walk through the door, pants dropped to the ankle, quickie type of trysts.

Instead, we have mind-blowing, very interactive, multi orgasmic sessions each and every time and I’m sure the neighbors know our names.  From the living room, prop and blind-fold filled sessions to the glass-streaking shower moments that seem like they’re straight out of a movie, my buddy fulfills me in every way imaginable when we are together.

If I were to rate him (Yes Esme, I’m getting  to that little “project”), he would be a 9.5 out of 10.  I’m getting chills just thinking about our activities.  My buddy.

The good thing is that we know our purpose in each other’s lives and meet the true definition of what a FB really is.

He or she is a partner with whom one occasionally has sex with, barring any emotional* attachment (*also known as strings).  This is a person who is not your boyfriend or girlfriend and you may or may not have a special connection with and really, is the non-committal person’s dream because it often times includes all of the benefits of being in a relationship, but without all of the drama that makes someone want to remain single. 

The FB is able to get away with things that would normally spark a heated debate or argument such as:

– Not having to call or see you regularly

– Able to forget birthdays or other milestones

– Completely SKIPPING Valentine’s Day and probably be missing in action that entire day

– Is exempt from needing to contact you during holidays

– Spending quality time

Just in case anyone is still confused or not all that familiar with this, a FB is synonymous with being referred to as a booty call, friend with benefits, cut buddy or kick it partner.

 

Many of you know that I am very much interested in being in a committed relationship, and I am not interested in having random affairs or casual sex with potential prospects while trying to weed out the right one.  

It’s just that sometimes we come across a person who has wonderful traits, is attractive and appealing in so many ways, but just hasn’t expressed an interest in wanting anything more. Or they just aren’t relationship material. 

So for now, my “visits” with Good on Paper are sufficient and as long as the two of us are truly content with this type of situation, it will work out.

Don’t get me wrong here,  because sometimes I do wonder if I’m cheating myself.

Maybe, maybe not.

I keep telling myself I’ll know when to break it off when I meet someone who is great relationship material, but until then, I’ll be riding this one until the wheels fall off!

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

The Dating Resume

 

Since I’ve tried figuring out where I’ve been going wrong with the types of men who FIND ME, I’ve been asked from feedback from family and friends and scanned a couple of dating blogs and forums.  A few weeks ago I’d stumbled on someone’s dating resume.  Yes, resume.

What a novel idea and why not?

A relationship is such a major life changing decision, so similar to trying to find that dream job.  For instance, when I think of what my ideal place of employment would be I have to factor in the demographics, size, financial stability, opportunity for growth and of course, the perks. 

Let me breakdown what a resume really is:

A resume is a brief document which highlights an individual’s experience, qualifications, and skills, in the hopes of securing an interview and ultimately, a job.

Seriously people, when reading that line isn’t dating just like job hunting?  You go through a series of applicants and screening (the casual outings, dates etc.), and ultimately weed out the weaker in hopes of finding a suitable person for the “job”.

I guess depending on who you ask, some may only be interested “contract work” or a temporary job and their resume would show this.  This is the person who can go without any of the fringe benefits that come with the serious relationship.  Then there are others, such as myself, who are looking for what takes place after the first 90 days and are wondering what the long-term pension benefits and stock options will be.

You’ll hear me saying this time and time again; the real reason there are so many single people talking, blogging or writing about dating and relationship experiences is because of one simple fact – someone is NOT being up front about themselves or what they want. 

My dating hangovers are the result of one simple fact – that many (okay, ALL of them otherwise I wouldn’t be single) of the men I have been involved with either weren’t truthful or didn’t know what they wanted in a relationship.  

How helpful would it have been to have seen the dating resume of the ex, Full Metal Jacket?   Had I seen that his resume showed his past relationship history including 1 marriage lasting only 6 months, 1 engagement lasting 3 months and then empty spaces for everything else in between, I might not have got involved with him.  Had I seen his resume which showed his only interests were “my girlfriend”, I would have been given a clue that I was dating an obsessive, control freak who had no life.  Lastly, had I seen that his interests only included church and the bible, though I hadn’t seen him step foot in a church, I might have known he wasn’t being completely honest.

Yes, yes – of course, people embellish the truth or flat out lie, but just for the sake of you may be able to learn, why not give it a try? 

So… here it goes more for $hits and giggles,  my very own dating resume.  Don’t worry because I haven’t listed all of  “employers” or total number of contract workers OR applicants, because if I did my resume would end up looking like Bobby’s Browns rap sheet.

 Enjoy,

Carmen ~

Carmen Jones
Los Angeles, CA  90037
myhangovers@gmail.com

 

DATING RESUME

*  Seeking a serious, monogamous long-term relationship leading to potential life partner status.

*  Over 15 years of dating and relationship experience specializing in romance, open communication, negotiation and conflict resolution.

*  Demonstrated success in coordinating outings and excursions, budgeting and time management for any children.  Received the Mom and Girlfriend of the Year Awards in 2008 for outstanding commitment and dedication.

*  Proficient in overcoming the many disappointments in my tenure with men.

Vital Skills

Honest & SupportiveMid to Low MaintenanceSpecializes in MassagesVoracious Sexual AppetiteEnjoys Amusement Parks Gainfully EmployedKnow What I Want and Don’t WantGreat Sense of HumorProficient in Finances and PlanningInterested in Outdoors Activities Educated & IntelligentEmotionally & Mentally HealthyHandy Around the HousePunctualLoyal

Professional Experience

Full Metal Jacket Ex-marine — Paramount, CA (2010)
Key Memories:

*  First person met online after rebounding from Good on paper.

* Fastest meet-then-became-girlfriend situation EVER.

* My first introduction to suicide prevention in a relationship without formal training.

* Most patience with an irrational person ever.

Good On Paper — Lakewood, CA (2007, 2010)
Key Memories:

*  Good job, very handsome, family man, well educated & great to be around.  Good on Paper.

*  Eliminated from potentials, he did not present himself as “relationship guy”.

*  Excessive baggage (divorced, 3 kids and youngest is 3), is doing an extended “I’m at my Mom’s for now” stint after the ugly divorce.  Mooch, liar or unfortunate case?  F@ck buddy off and on since March 2008.

*  Tried transitioning from booty call status, but bullet point 3 made me realize this was impossible.

*  Known for the most amazing sex EVER with someone I was NEVER in love with.

JEKYLL — Los Angeles, CA (2007-2008)
Key Memories:

*  Earned the title of “Love of my Life”.

* Started off as a great guy;  very affectionate, enjoyed spending money and pampering, had many things in common, laughed a lot, shared dreams together, supported each other.  Everything a woman could want, versatile and could go from lounging on the sofa together, to window shopping at Expo or showing the moves on the dance floor.  Wanted a long-term future together.  Very handsome and dressed to the nines.

*  Emotionally f@cked up, scarred AND wounded by several women, therefore did stupid things out of insecurity thinking I would cheat. 

* Established daily and ongoing contacts with several women, including past ex-girlfriends with the eventual purpose of showing them he was a real man.  Never completed the actual act of cheating, but did engage in cyber cheating.

*  Stupid enough to click “remember my password” on MY laptop, hence the reason he was dumped.

* First man allowed to establish a relationship with my offspring

Other dating history — Throughout LA

CA (2001-2007)

Series of Dating Experiences, practice for the right one for me

Of Note

Likes and Loves:

*  Reading, writing and of course, Blogging, singing, laughing, LIFE

*  Movies & Music

*  Christmas & Spring

*  Moscatto wine

*  Prince

*  Photography

*  Spending time with family friends

*  Beading

*  Scrapbooking

*  PDA

* HGTV, Cheaters, CSI Miami, First 48, Dexter, Criminal Minds & Lifetime Movie Channel

*  Good grammar

*  Jewelry, shoes, scarves & purses

REFERENCES

Michael: “her back rubs are amazing!!  I always asked if she’d gone to school for physical therapy.”

Jared: “I never figured out how SHE would ever be single.  I felt a little insecure because I wasn’t sure I had my stuff together to keep her.”

Anthony: “She is so full of energy and has a great spirit.  She made me things of common things in so many different ways and is a good debater without being annoying.”

Regina: “I kept telling her I’ll be waiting when she’s ready to give up on men, a really great woman.”

Timothy: “I don’t think you’ll be able to find a more complete package with anyone else, fellas she has it all!  If I was straight, I would date her.”

Lamont: “I really f%$%& up.  She gave me nothing less than her best, but I was too stupid to realize that I had a good woman.  Maybe we can try again in another lifetime.”

So there it is, my dating resume.