Who Wants to Date a Jerk?

​I tried it, but Felonious Monk isn’t going to make the cut because he’s a jerk.

After our initial conversation, Felonious was really excited to meet me so he planned on us getting together for a jazz
brunch at one of my favorite local spots.  I liked the excitement he was showing but after several phone calls, I was convinced there wasn’t open mindedness in the world for me to deal with this dude.

In spite of him being able to appeal to my funny bone and carrying on a decent conversation, he still seemed a little too rough around the edges, too materialistic, too full of himself.  This was in addition to his past, so initially I’d given him the old “it’s me, not you” shutdown but he wasn’t accepting that.

Felonious put on the full court press telling me that in spite of his background, he was a solid guy with a vision and had a plan.  In fact, he went so far as to say how I may even regret not meeting him basically offering a guarantee that I would definitely like him once we met in person.  I can’t explain why I even entertained this notion, so don’t
even ask.

The meet up was set for Starbucks, 10am so I arrive at 9:30am to have the advantage of seeing who’s coming my way before they see me.  I’m sitting in the car dabbing on a little lipstick and suddenly here comes a convertible mustang with the music blaring flying through the parking lot and I just laughed thinking someone needs attention.

It’s 9:40 and while strolling through the lot noticed convertible dude was no longer in his car, but when I looked ahead saw the same guy sitting at one of the tables out front.  As soon as I made the connection I mumbled “oh shit” and here’s how the meeting went using a Q&A style transcript:

Question: Where is the best meeting place if you don’t drink coffee or tea?

Answer:  Starbucks coffee shop.  It’s a nice ice-breaker to tell someone you have no idea what to order because you don’t drink that shit and don’t look at menus ahead of time.

Question:  A man sitting at a table should do what when a woman approaches?

Answer:  Stay seated, look over your sunglasses while licking your lips and say “Damn you fine” then wait for her to finally sit down.

Question:  If you want to let a woman know how interested you are in her, what should you talk about?

Answer: Yourself.

Talk about how women say you look better in person, then talk about your expensive designer cologne and ask if she likes, then talk about how you put on a brand new pair of socks every day.  Then talk about yourself some more, throw out the name of your glasses and point out your name brand watch and don’t forget to remind her you’re the best thing since sliced bread.

Question: What’s a good example of budgeting you can share with your date?

Answer:  Tell her about that convertible Mustang explaining you have Nevada plates because that isn’t your car.  In fact, you tell her you don’t even own a car because it’s a total waste of money especially when you’re off running your carrier business.  It’s California, who needs a car.

Question:  If a man wants to sound impressive, what should he do?

Answer:  Embellish or flat out lie.  When she asks you to explain what kind of transportation business you own, respond by asking her if she’s heard of Uber then tell her your business is similar to that.  When she looks at you like she’s confused tell her you’re a carrier and your business is similar to Uber with how jobs are dispatched.

Then when she attempts to clarify the bullshit you’re trying to sell her, act like you’re offended when she asks if you meant to say you’re a courier and justify why operating off of an app to make deliveries really makes you a business owner.

Question:  What things do you tell her to show how generous of a person you are?

Answer: Tell her you don’t believe in discrimination.  Let her know your last baby mama was a Latina, the second to the last was Dominican and please– don’t forget to tell her how you took one for the team since your first child’s mom was black.

Question: What’s the best way to really seal the deal of a first time meeting?

Answer:  Insult her. Repeatedly.  Tell her she’s sexy as fuck but remind her she doesn’t have any ass and you’re an ass man.

Then tell her the side of her right foot is a little ashy, but brush it off as a joke while telling her you would love to suck each toe to smooth things out.  Don’t forget to add she’s talking like a white girl and needs to stop acting so bougie but then add, you really like classy women and ask her again if she wants to attend the jazz brunch with you.

This is real life.  No dramatizations, but real life.

After about 15 minutes, I abruptly stood up saying I was late for my appointment and commented it had been an
enlightening experience and do you know this egotistical clown murmured something about us having a great connection?

Ummm that’s a no and I thought to myself everything about you is a no and it isn’t because of your felonious past, but it’s because you’re an asshole.

Why God, why???

Is this because I cheated on my then-boyfriend in ’96?  Is this karma from having dumped my kid’s father during college because I wanted to turn up a bit?  Is this punishment because I lost my virginity in my parent’s bathroom to Derrick Miller?

This can’t be my life.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When a Woman’s Ready to Go

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Here’s how you blow up 18 years in a single text message:

“I’m such a punk because I should have said this last night.

I can NOT separate these (new) emotions from amazing sexual chemistry and with each visit,  it gets worse.

Confuses me and I send stupid shit like this.

But… I do want sooooo much more in my life than just an occasional tryst, no matter how incredible.  I know what I want and you can’t give me that.

So for me, it feels like I’m settling and I can’t do that.

Not the best way to tell you and for that I’m sorry.”

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again- I don’t swim in murky waters.  This situation with Papi was as dirty as the Mississippi River for me, so I opted to bail out the water (feelings) and row away.

Oh and in case you’re wondering,  he most certainly had something to say in response which for me,  made this even easier:

“I just have to find a way to make it more than what it is”.

I wanted to know what the hell that meant buy quickly realized it didn’t matter.

He missed the point that I was (selfishly) making things all about me.

Me sharing my thoughts wasn’t meant to liberate his hidden feelings and it sure as has wasn’t to be taken as some kind of ultimatum.
I don’t want Papi to have to find a way or try figure out anything.

He just needs to realize that’s he’s getting ready to experience something his “careful treading” had successfully avoided for such a long time- the disappearance of me.

Once and for all.

Damn shame because yes – the d@!# WAS that good.

Until there’s a cure..

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

5 Types of Men Online

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of trying out the online dating experience, this may be news to you – it sucks.

For the others like me who have tried everything from eHarmony to Black People Meet to Match and a few rounds on the ultimate cesspool known as Plenty of Fish, you will certainly agree that there are certain types of (special) people who call themselves dating.

On your quest to find love and happiness with a good man or woman who wants the same, you might come across the Socially Retarded, Really Unavailable, or Down to F@ck (DTF’s) types instead. I’m thinking nearly every type including the ones above have frequented my inbox, assaulted my ears by telephone and maybe even my sugar walls, but here are the 4 main types of online daters that come to mind and they are:

1. God’s Gift to Women
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Coming across the man that usually seems to be the complete package is a blessing and a curse all at the same time. He’s typically going to be very good looking, have a stable and high paying career (not just a job), likely doesn’t have too much baggage (never married/no children), educated and smart, owns one or more homes, and in his mildly or incredibly high arrogance, WILL constantly remind you that he is basically the bomb.com.

GGTW’s may or may not show their true colors in the beginning and even if you find they’re showing traits you dislike or straight up treat you like shit, it’s hard to leave them alone because of the many qualities they possess.

Example hangovers: Special Agent, The Calm, Asshole.

2. Transitional Project
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It seems like the main ones flocking to the dating scene are the same ones who have absolutely no business trying to date. They’re not ready.

Wondering if you’ve met a TP? His profile or conversations may include statements like “I’m starting over and…” or “I’m trying to get back into the groove of things after…” and even “I’ve got one foot out the door…” and maybe even “I’m just seeing what’s here”.

This man has unfinished business with a relationship, may be in between jobs, recovering from some health or financial crisis, looking for a place to live, or is still bitter from the last relationship that went wrong. He’ll try to convince you to just be a little more understanding since he’s just a little down on his luck.

The TP has no conscious or guilt about dragging you into his world of instability and turmoil, and the crazy fact is that he’s likely to be very good looking AND may be putting it down in bed better than the GGTW types. Perhaps this is why in spite of his deficiencies; so many women get caught up with him.

Example hangovers: Good on Paper, Rescue 911, Enron, Full Metal Jacket, countless hangovers who never made it to the blog.

3. The Workaholic
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The title is obvious for the type who thinks that meeting women online is THE best way to go, you know, because he rarely is away from a computer. He’s quite similar to the TP man and because he’s probably dealing with all of the same issues, he is always working so you’ll rarely get to speak to him and will have grown gray hairs waiting to meet him.

He has a demanding job, travels often and rarely says no to overtime. Fortunately, a woman will have a clue about his hectic life and schedule because workaholics will tell you in a profile that reads like this:

“I’m a hard-working man who puts in 60 hours a week…”

“I work a lot and don’t have much time for…”

“I travel a lot and would like an activity partner…”

Believe me- I’ve got plenty to say about this one because this type has drifted in and out of my life often. He really either has no time OR more aptly put, refuses to make any woman a high enough priority to make time. This man is really looking for fillers for any downtime he may have; someone to exchange a few texts with to make sure he’s not lost his touch, someone to call on those long commutes home, or a bed warmer after a long days work.

Women, beware because the workaholic may be confused with the GGTW. Also, he knows how to bait and reel you in by initially showing you plenty of attention and seemingly available to date and work on a relationship. Girl please! If you are lucky enough to see this side of him, it’s probably because he’s on vacation or realizes what it takes to get a woman’s attention.

Dating this type of dude only works for a certain type of woman.

Any women looking for the Friday date night, someone to join you at the kid’s soccer practice, or anything remotely close to consistency, this is NOT the one for you.

Don’t get me wrong – having a financially strapped man is no good, but trying to date one who doesn’t care to balance a career and significant other is just as bad. One word this type is missing -BALANCE.

Example hangovers: Rescue 911, Special Agent(technically, he probably doesn’t fit here since his hard work was more outside the office, managing his harem of women), The Calm, and Jersey Boy.

4. Damsel in Distress
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Yes, I used the feminine term because these are the men who act like little girls- they’re the mitches. These types are needy as hell, likely to be damaged emotionally, have crazy from mood swings, and involvement with them will surely lead to the most stressful times of your life.

Damsels are the polar opposites of The Workaholics and what’s odd is they may be just as busy but will make time for you but will want
ALL of your time, energy and attention. You may experience his PMS moments, argue over insignificant things because he’s a drama queen, and may even witness an emotional breakdown or two.

The profile of a Damsel seems too good to be true and for the most part, they treat you well. Advice if you meet one? RUN.

Example hangovers: Full Metal Jacket, Sybil, Jekyll, Enron.

5. Mr. Nondescript
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What else can I say about this type other than telling you to get ready for some really confusing times. I think he’s a smorgasbord of all of the above, and is probably a pretty good catch.

The downside of dating this one is that you will never figure out what he wants with you or life in general. He’s hot then cold, off then on and basically all over the place. I think it’s far better to know if you’re dealing with someone who just wants a buddy or just wants sex, but when he acts like he wants marriage one day then falls off the radar the next? I just can’t deal.

Examples: Too many to name.

This is exhausting just thinking back on this list, and I don’t think anyone can ever say I haven’t given different types of men with different situations a chance. I’m just tired of meeting the wrong ones faking like they’re the right ones.

I’m just tired of the dating hangovers.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

A Year of Dating Hangovers

One year.  365 days. 53 weeks. 

Several template revisions, three “About Me” rewrites, many lessons learned.

118 posts.  1,071 comments.  Thousands of Spam messages. 

Encounters with an estimated 26 men.  Total of 26 disappointments with men.

Countless expletives.  Many headaches.  Several arguments.  One heartache.

 Happy Blogoversary My Dating Hangovers!

I’m not quite sure how to feel knowing an entire year has passed since I first entered the world of blogging.  Although I started this as a hobby of sorts, to get my feet wet in the realm of online journaling, at times I wondered if I kept knocking down the different men I had encountered to give me a reason to continue writing.

I also wondered if I may have jinxed what I thought could be the end of my dating hangovers by continuing to chronicle what was happening in my relationship with Rescue.  That only stayed in my mind for a moment as I realized it was the person and not the blogging which puts me in the position I am in today.

Unknown relationship Single status.

Here’s an excerpt from my first post a year ago, November 17, 2010:

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at, 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.  On to the next!

I just realized that the way that introduction was written, it didn’t sound as if I had any intentions on finding the RIGHT ONE, instead I simply said “on to the next” and that is exactly what I got.  The next hangover.  Over and over and over again.

The past year has been filled with a lot of strange experiences and moments, and although I’m one week fresh off of hearing what sounded like a statement for re-election (you know – say everything the people want to hear), I can’t say that I haven’t had times I enjoyed the company I was in and the love in my heart from reconnecting with my past.

But hey– that type of tone isn’t the purpose of an anniversary now is it?  Nope, not at all.  Instead, it’s a celebration and a trip down memory lane so for your viewing pleasure (especially to the newer stalkers readers) a timeline and trip through My Dating Hangovers (November 2010 – November 2011):

Okay, so I didn’t exactly take the time to figure out how to PROPERLY insert the time line but you get the picture!

In addition to having chuckled, snorted and laughing out loud reviewing the timeline, I figured I’d pick out my favorite posts or topics:

 Top 5 Favorite Posts  

 –          Until Something Better Comes Along

–          Choosing a Life Partner

–          The Dating Resume

–          Dating the Single Parent

–          Never Date a Religious Hypocrite

 

Top 5 Men I Wish I Never Met

 –          Sybil’s Brother

–          Ghetto 2Pac

–          Good on Paper

–          Full Metal Jacket

–          Tupperware Man (don’t ask – I totally forgot about him but trust, he’s nuts!)

 

 

Top 5 Moments to Remember

 

–         Reunionw/Rescue

–          Prince concert w/Rescue

–          First date with Tall Glass of Wine

–          First date with USBC

–          Bedroom encounter w/Black Russian

 

 

 

And finally – two mini statements from the two men whose company I truly enjoyed and had figured out one of the small secrets to my happiness was laughter:

Tall Glass of Wine:

How often is it that you can meet someone who is able to carry on great
conversation, knows how to behave at the dinner table, can get down on the
dance floor, knows how to hold their liquor AND also loves Prince?

And of course…

Rescue 911:

Rescue makes me happy, makes me laugh, understands me, is affectionate, a great lover, communicates with me, shares his dreams, likes Prince, accepts me and all my flaws, understands my love of a wig collection, and above all – is my friend.

So what’s next?

I haven’t a clue but I DO know I would much rather have a blog titled “Let’s Stay Together”.

Searching for the cure…

Carmen Jones