Dating Someone Who’s Been to Prison

Where do you draw a line in the sand that separates judgment from an inability to relate? It seems as if a lot of the men trying to date are in situations that make it hard for a woman to want to deal with them.

Before I explain further,  you can obviously  tell that not much is cooking in terms of prospects.  I may chat with the men I’m meeting online and even the ones I’ve encountered in person, but nothing sticks.  So my dating experiences haven’t gone beyond a few meet ups that have gone nowhere or I’ve just been dealing with the old faithful bench players holding it down in the friend zone.

If you know anyone who’s tried online dating and is still single, they surely have told you about the cycle.  We go away, but we come back and a couple of weeks ago, I reactivated my profile for like the fourth time this year.

Sadly, the same old song is playing.

The men I’m interested in are either cocky as hell, unavailable to date, far away (Nova Scotia is a stretch), or just not into me.

So by design, the men I am not interested in are sticking to me like flies on shit.  They are either unattractive, perverted, too thuggish or for a lack of better words- are true struggle bunnies.

Let’s take the gentleman I exchanged numbers with a few days ago who I’ll call Felonious Monk.

He’s decent looking guy (says his photos), owns a transportation business, is literate, has a great sense of humor, and the biggest score is his intellect.  He mentioned a few times how he had grown weary of the types of women he was involved with former the past, and was now looking for that “sexy, smart, corporate chick with a bit of an edge”.

That’s me, that’s me, that IS me!!!

Now while he isn’t college educated, he’s obviously spent a lot of time reading and taking in knowledge to converse about a lot of things.  I could tell he had a few rough edges, but nothing too bad was revealed from our first conversation so this one sounds decent, right?

Um, yeah.  Let’s get to that follow up call which starts out talking about living situations, kids and our backgrounds.

I’m not judging BUT 46 years old and roommate just doesn’t sound right.  He explained he was helping out a friend and not even charging him rent, so it was more of a “staying with” vs a true roommate.  Okay, whatever.  

These living situations have pretty much become the norm in California so my nose twitched a bit, but that little nagging bitch in the back of my head meowing forced me to allow what is normally a turn off and deal breaker.

The “who lives with you” talk naturally went to children and again, not judging because once again, a man with multiple children is the norm after 30, so I barely batted an eye when he said he had three.

But how many mothers?  Three.  And so it begins but gets worse.

This revelation would have had the average woman wrapping up the conversation, but I allowed the conversation to continue and then he makes a comment about people getting second chances at life.

Lord help me, I wasn’t ready.

Listening to him talk about himself and his upbringing was like turning the pages in a book on urban history;  like some “Losing Isiah” meets “Boyz N The Hood” type shit which involved a single parent household with a father nowhere to be found.  A mother strung out on crack cocaine not paying attention to what her kids were doing which led to him dropping out of school, joining a Los Angeles street gang where he hustled and sold the same drugs his mother was fiending for, and eventually – he became a career criminal.

The longest stint in prison? 7 years hence the name.

What’s so crazy is hearing how easy it was for him to get women;  the types who were attracted to that thug life which offered nothing but drama and for him – resulting in his three baby mamas.  So it’s no wonder he’s talking about wanting a different type of person who’s pretty much a square but how does that work?

I tried not to be judgmental and in spite of his checkered past, I could tell from his conversation he wasn’t a dumb man.  In fact, Felonious Monk came across as a highly intelligent, fairly articulate and driven man who claims he learned his life lessons and just wanted to live a normal life with a woman by his side.  But still…. that past is something that can’t be ignored.  Or can it?

You’ll often hear (black) women complain that there aren’t enough available men, however this isn’t entirely accurate.  They ARE out there.  It’s just a matter of how much you’re willing and able to deal with and sometimes I ask myself if I should have stayed with the bipolar, manic depressive, porn addicted, serial masturbator, emotionally manipulating, microscopic penis having ex-boyfriend instead of dealing with the dating scene.

I think it’s an inability to relate or accept those things were in the past, so I pretty much shut him down last night.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Could this be the LONGEST one EVER?

There are always two extremes online: the master of minimalism type dude who is lazy or unimaginative and writes “Just ask”.  Then there’s this type that treats his dating profile like an autobiographical novel.

He lost me as soon as I saw all of THE CAPS and my scroll bar disappear.  Can someone read all of this shit and let me know if he’s a solid catch or something ? 

IM ______, AN INVENTOR FROM _______ NOW LIVING IN _______/_, CA. I’M A VERY ARTISTIC, OLD FASHIONED TYPE GUY WHO’S ALSO THE INVENTOR OF THE… (insert a whole paragraph HERE)

I LIVE BY STRICT RULES AND MORALS. I’M A VERY STRAIGHT FORWARD, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING AND MOODY GUY. CATCH ME ON A GOOD DAY YOU’LL GET AN ANGEL, ON BAD DAYS…YOU’LL GET A HELL RAISER. I’M JUST BEING REAL..LOL

I DON’T BELIEVE IN TRYING TO SELL MYSELF TO A BUNCH OF WEIRDOS ON A DATING SITE. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT EVERYBODY, THERE,S A SELECT FEW ON HERE WHO KNOWS WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT…ANYWAY, BACK TO MY LIKES AND DISLIKES. I LOVE MUSIC, SPORTS AND ART. THE OLD SCHOOL MUSIC IS MY FAVORITE.

LADIES STOP ASSUMING THAT THE ATTRACTIVE GUYS ARE ALL PLAYAS. AND THE GUYS HAVE TO STOP ASSUMING THE HOT CHIX ARE LOOSE BOOTIES WITH A TON OF MEN. I JUDGE A PERSON BY THE WAY THEY DRESS. IF A WOMAN DRESSES LIKE A SLUT, SHOWING TOO MUCH SKIN IN HER PROFILE, SHE’S EITHER INSECURE (WANTING ATTENTION) OR SHE’S FAST. ALL OF MY PIX ARE DECENT, I’M NOT TRYING TO SELL SEX.

IN TRUTH THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE THE LONELIEST. THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE CAN GET LAID A LITTLE EASIER THAN THE REST BUT THEY ARE USUALLY ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS..LOL IN THE HEIGHT OF MY PLAYA DAYS WHILE IN MY 20’S I ONLY SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH A FEMALE ONCE! BUT ALL YEAR ROUND I HAD A BLAST….GO FIGURE. PLAYAS ARE NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY, THEY’RE CONSIDERED “PRETENDERS NOT CONTENDERS” THAT’S WHY THEY’RE ALWAYS ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS WONDERING WHY NOBODY WANTS THEM. LADIES, IF YOU WANT MORE SUCCESS MEETING SERIOUS GUYS, CHANGE THAT “LONG TERM” TO “DATING, OR HANGING OUT” ALL SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS STARTS FROM TRUE FRIENDSHIP FIRST.

I KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS I WROTE IN THIS PROFILE MAY TURN SOME FEMALES OFF. BUT I’M NOT A MR. ROGERS TYPE GUY. I’M A TOTALLY HONEST REAL GUY. IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER WHAT A PERSON WRITE IN THEIR PROFILE, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO CHEMISTRY IN PERSON. EVERYBODY ON HERE BASE THEIR INTEREST ON LOOKS FIRST, PROFILE SECOND, IF THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY IN PERSON IT’S ON! THAT’S WHY I PUT MORE EMPHASIS ON DISPLAYING ATTRACTIVE PIX. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FEMALES RESPONDED BACK TO ME WITH “I’M SORRY I’M NOT FEELING A CONNECTION” HOW DO YOU FEEL A CONNECTION BY READING A PROFILE? LOL WHAT THEY’RE REALLY SAYING IS “I DON’T DATE BLACKS OR I JUST DON’T LIKE YOUR LOOK”(BLACK) I CONSIDER MYSELF AN INTELLIGENT GUY WITH A GREAT PERSONALITY AND SENSE OF HUMOR. MY POINT IS…LOOKS, MATTER TO EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE INITIALLY. I ASKED EVERY FEMALE WHO I’VE MET OR CONVERSATED WITH WHY THEY RESPONDED TO ME, THEY ALL SAID “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD LOOKING AND FUNNY” NOT ONE SAID “OH, I WANTED TO MEET YOU BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY YOU TYPE OR BECAUSE OF YOUR BRAIN OR PERSONALITY…LOL

ONE THING I CAN’T STAND ARE THE FEMALES WHO ASK “ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ONLY SEX?” MY RESPONSE TO THAT IS “IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN WITH ZERO CONVERSATION, WHAT ELSE IS THEIR TO DO OTHER THAN HAVE SEX?” EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE WANTS TO GET LAID, EVEN ANIMALS WANNA GET LAID…LOL IF YOU DON’T WANT SEX PLEASE RAISE YOUR HANDS.

I’M SURE YOU LADIES MET PLENTY OF GUYS WHO WERE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY BUT WERE DUMB AS HELL. MALES AND FEMALES WANT THE SAME THING, A PERSON WHO’S INTERESTED IN YOU MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

ANOTHER THING I CAN’T STAND IS A WOMAN WHO SAYS “I NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND” REALLY? LET’S EXPLORE THIS SHALL WE… IF YOU NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND THAT MEANS ALL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE SUCCESSFUL..MEANING YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE. THE “ONE NIGHT STAND” GET SUCH A BAD RAP, THE “ONE NIGHT STAND” IS ACTUALLY GOOD IF YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE AND GOOD JUDGEMENT. IF YOU MET A NICE GUY, DECIDED TO HAVE SEX THE FIRST NIGHT, AND WHILE HAVING SEX YOU NOTICE HIS WEENIE WAS TERRIBLY SMALL, WOULD YOU CONTINUE DATING THIS GUY? MY GUESS IS “HELL NO!”

THE MEN OF COURSE HAD MANY BAD EXPERIENCES WITH FEMALES WHO WE THOUGHT WERE THE ONE, BUT LATER FOUND OUT SHE WAS TERRIBLE IN BED OR GOD FORBID, HAD A TERRIBLE FOUL ODOR, OF COURSE WE WOULDN’T CALL HER BACK FOR A SECOND DATE.

ALSO IT’S IRRITATING WHEN I TRY TO ASK A WOMAN CERTAIN QUESTIONS PERTAINING TO SEX AND ROMANCE IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATION AND SHE REPSONDS WITH “I DON’T TALK ABOUT SEX ON OUR FIRST DATE” REALLY? WHY WAIT DAYS AND WEEKS TO FIND OUT IF A PERSON YOU’RE ATRACTED TO LIKES TO KISS OR NOT? IT’S BEST TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS EARLY SO YOU’RE NOT SURPRISED BY SOME WEIRD ADMISSION LATER LIKE “I DON’T FRENCH KISS, I ONLY HAVE MISSIONARY SEX, I HATE ORAL SEX” ETC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED, IF YOU REMEMBER A LOT OF WHAT YOUR DATE SAID WHILE OUT WITH THEM, YOU DEFINITELY INTERESTED IN THAT PERSON. I WAS OUT ON AN 8 HOUR DATE WITH THIS TALKATIVE HOTTIE, I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN’T REMEMBER MUCH OF WHAT SHE SAID. I THOUGHT I WAS INTO HER. 

BUT I HAD A HARD TIME RETAINING HER INFORMATION. BUT WITH OTHER FEMALES I COULD REMEMBER ALMOST EVERYTHING THEY SAID. JUST TODAY A WOMAN CALLED ME, WELL I THOUGHT SHE WAS CALLING ME, THE BIMBO HAD THE NERVE TO SAY “HEY, IS THIS JAMES?) I SAID “WHO IN THE HELL IS JAMES?) I IMMEDIATELY DELETED HER ASS. CALLING ME BY SOMEBODY ELSE’S NAME IS A DEFINITE NO! NO! BOTTOM LINE…RETAINING INFO=INTERESTED… NOT RETAINING INFO LIKE NAMES=NOT INTERESTED!

PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY TO ME…I LIKE TO SIT OUT SOMEWHERE AND JUST WATCH PEOPLE IN ACTION, THAT’S THE FUNNIEST sh*tIN THE WORLD.

This dude wonders why women aren’t receptive to his profile or his messages, when he’s got 10,000 reasons right here.

I just can’t.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

The Lies Women Tell

A few weeks ago was my 5 year singleversary.  It’s been THAT long since my last relationship means one of two things: I’m just holding out for the right man OR there’s something really wrong with me.

I’d rather go with that first possibility.

Yet sometimes I wonder if my status is by design for a little while longer, because I sure as hell can’t see myself settling like so many others.

It’s just so hard dating nowadays  and when it comes to the competition and lack of available men, I think of ways to make myself stand out more from the crowd.

So when it comes to the dating buffet known as online dating, some of us women try getting creative with our profiles. You know, dressing them up a bit and for some, lying our asses off just to attract the type of man we’re after.

Luckily, I’ve still got a few ounces of dignity and ethics left and have yet to be dishonest with my photos or anything on my dating profile.  But other women?

Not so much.

To read about some of the most common things women are lying about on their profiles, check out my guest post on Digital Romance– one of the best resources for some of the best advice for dating and relationships.

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/dating-profiles-4-lies-women-tell/

Down with the Swirl- Part 2

So it’s been a few weeks of this swirling dating adventure with Jon B and I have a few observations to report.

No, not THE actual  R&B crooner hottie himself but as much as the new guy hates being told, that’s exactly who he favors.

😍😍😍😍😍

The Look a Like and I met on a Wednesday, went out that Friday, Saturday AND again that Sunday.  Repeat the following week and again.  What does this mean? Hell, I don’t know. We’re either mildly interested in each other OR we’re just looking for time fillers.

I haven’t been able to get a solid reading on the Look a Like, but I’m guessing he may be nothing more than another fuck boy.  He doesn’t ask any questions about my dating habits, so I’m not going there either.

Okay, now my observations in no particular order, and absence of any real logic:

1.  I’m happy to be stepping outside of my norm and comfort zone.

2.  Guys with an eclectic and artsy flair are so damn hot, especially if they are musicians.

3.  I’m elated and surprised to have met a non-black man who can make my panties moist just by kissing me on my neck.

4.  Most men are the same, regardless of race.

5.  Music is everything and sharing a common interest and passion is amazing.

6.  Most men are the same, regardless of race and do the same stupid shit.

7.  I’ve felt awkward on more than one  occasion when receiving the “look” from black men and women while out with my new friend.

8.  He is very comfortable dating black women, I’m the one feeling like a traitor.

9.  All men have a certain amount of communication blockage, regardless of race.

10.  Not every non-black man has a pink tip.

11.  I still feel strongly about pets in or near beds.

12. A man with his life together is everything!!!!!!!!

This story is still developing and can have a different update next week, or you’ll see me posting this:

20160927_211210

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Types of Men to Avoid When Dating 

Years ago when people actually read email forwards, I remember one that had been circulated quite a few times.  It was called the 12 types of men and while it was really targeted a more”urban” audience with its references to thugs and baby daddies, but still had a few on there that everyone could relate to.

Having become a seasoned dater, I can honestly say that I’ve probably dated every type of man there is – both  good and bad.  

While it’s true there’s no such thing as perfection with anyone,  there are definitely certain types that can drive you bat shit crazy or close to it.

You’ve read about many of them here from Special Agent, to Good on Paper and if course there are the nondescript types like Papi. 

For more on the types of men women should avoid, head on over to Digital Romance and check out the full article!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/5-types-of-men-avoid-like-plague/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones 

First Conversations with Someone New

Last night’s conversation with July Guy was GREAT, but it almost didn’t happen because after I had given him my number for him to (per his words, have a chat), all he did was fire off a flurry of text messages and not one was asking when I was free to talk.

I hate that shit!  Hate it, hate it, HATE it.

Even if we’re talking about a regular encounter outside of online dating, why do people use text messaging as a way of getting to know someone?  If we make it past the first couple of calls and like each other when meeting, we’ll have plenty of time for the filler of text discussions but not right out the gate.

I guess if texting is your thing and you don’t care about hearing an actual voice, then go with the flow but it isn’t for me and I let him know after about ten minutes of back and forth when sending this:

“It seems as if texting is your thing which is cool, but I would like to put a voice to the man behind the photos and messages.  How about you call me or let me know when you’re free to actually talk otherwise, have a good evening”.

Shut that down real quick and shortly after he gave me a call.

Our talk ended up being hilariously entertaining and enlightening and we touched on everything We chatted about work life, living situations (no roommate, yay!!), dating experiences, our children and the desire to procreate with better choices and even politics. After a while, July Guy comments how glad he was to have called since he wouldn’t have learned so much without talking.

Duh.

Of course you wouldn’t have so just imagine how many women you’ve likely turned off if that series of Q&A by text messaging is your modus operandi.

I can’t explain how refreshing it is to have even a sliver of interest popping into my head.  So far, everything he’s written in his profile was coming through over the phone without any red flags waving around.  He has a fairly quiet and reserved demeanor for the most part, but is still down to earth, extremely relatable and more than anything – had a great sense of humor.

20160729_124932What was meant to be a brief intro conversation was going so well, we were talking well into the night and just like the old Whoodini song goes, the freaks come out at night.

Listen folks, I’ve been on this self-imposed sex hiatus for SEVEN months, twenty days and 29 hours so I’m pretty ripe which likely explains my mild temperament nowadays so when the conversation suddenly ventured into adult zone – we rolled with it.  The next thing I know, July Guy’s voice suddenly becomes midnight love radio personality as he’s telling me all of the dirty things he would like to do to me as I’m lying in my bed touching myself in certain places.

Considering the drought mentioned above, I won’t lie – when checking out some of these dating profiles I’m torn between considering the next great dating potential OR the next replacement for Papi and after having a phone session like last night?  If his actions are as tough as his talking, this guy could certainly be used as a great substitute.

Don’t judge me.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Profile photos men shouldn’t share

On and off, hide and reveal, resign and restart.  The vicious cycle known as online dating and for the life of me, I just don’t understand how men can continue to sabotage themselves by ruining the most important part of the process – the dating profile and specifically, the photos.

Do these men not realize that they can turn a woman all the way on by what he’s sharing in his profile and just the same, can turn us off completely by choosing the lazy, cheesy and sleazy photos like this debonair fella right here:

20160620_213255

Yes, this is an actual photo from someone’s profile and yes – he looks like a teenager and made me feel like a pedophile for viewing it and yes – you’re welcome for the red box editing to spare you the unruly hairs and extreme shrinkage.

If only I could be the fairy godmother of dating and tell these clueless gents what NOT to do but for now, you can check out my post written for Digital Romance, Inc.,  5 Photos Men Need to Stop Posting Online.

Digital Romance, Inc is the premier source for using the power of technology to get the best dating advice articles, podcasts and videos delivered at the tap of a button.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

 

5 Things Women Want in a Man

what women want

Someone new reached out to me over the weekend online and sent this:

I know there’s  less than a snowball chance in hell that you will even respond to this message, but sending it anyway.

Your profile is well written and you’re photos are great,  depicting a woman who’s  at the tip of her game. Yet you’re  single (presumably) and online.

This might be out of line, but I’m guessing you’re still single because you’re looking for that perfect guy  on your carefully crafted list of about 101 different things.

But maybe… just maybe I’m wrong and if so, you’ll respond and we’ll end up riding off into the sunset.

Just hoping I’m  at least I’m the top 10.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Interesting opening message and I’m case you’re wondering what in the world I’m saying in my profile, let me assure you – nothing that prompts this kind of reply.

In fact, it’s been edited to just the basics: I’m single, have a cat, enjoy photography and blogging and looking to date.

That’s all.

But the strikes a chord with me. There are so many people (women included) who believe there’s this ridiculously long complex list of requirements singles require.  Not true, not even  a little bit so I put together 5 things a woman really wants in a man.

You can check it out on Digitalromance!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/women-want-in-a-man-5-things-simple/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

About Digital Romance:

Digital Romance, Inc., is the premier resource offering some of the best advice on dating and relationships.

I Can Work with Men

  • The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.

My last date from a few months ago really had it together.

He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.

That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him.  But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.

Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.

He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”.  By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.

“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.

When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.

Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her.  She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.

In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation.  He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds?  Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…

So how did our first meet-up go?

For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.

Impessions-Quotes.001Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point.  Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion.  They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.

47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.

Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up:  late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.

This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.

I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself.  Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Too Soon?

EXCLUSIVITY
Related to exclusivity: Mutual exclusivity
ex·clu·sive  (ĭk-sklo͞o′sĭv)
adj.
1. Excluding or tending to exclude: exclusive barriers.
2. Not allowing something else; incompatible: mutually exclusive conditions.
3. Not divided or shared with others: exclusive publishing rights.
4. Not accompanied by others; single or sole.

It’s late and as I’m ready to call it a night, he sends me a text asking if we are now dating exclusively.

I don’t respond and in the morning will use the excuse that I’d fallen asleep.

We’ve had two outings together and the first didn’t leave a very favorable impression.  Hell, I haven’t even had a chance to share what went wrong with that first impression and here we are at the junction of exclusivity.

This IS  what I’ve been waiting for, right?  To meet a man who realizes pretty damn fast that I’m the rarest cut of a precious diamond.

Yes, this is a request to go put profiles to sleep and focus on getting to know each other, not an actual relationship.   But is it too soon?

So far he IS talking a good talk, even though my nose is turned in the air at a few things that are either concerning or deal breakers.

He’s not even programmed into my phone by name but only as “Maybe” with a smiley face.  Yet again, we’re broaching the subject of being exclusive.   Already.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Great First Dates

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

We might have a winner!

In case the point isn’t being emphasized enough, I think we might have a winner so let’s just call him Winner!

Last night’s date was a smashing success and even better, the feeling is mutual since we ended the night by texting each other pretty much the same thing and woke up texting nearly the same words as last night which – we were happy to have met, enjoyed the relaxed and open conversation an agreed how everything flowed effortlessly.  Our chemistry was amazing and if you were looking over at our table while we laughed over good food and drinks, you would never have known that we were on our first date.

It’s about damn time and I’m so glad I didn’t let the tiresome day and drain of the week stop me from going through with the date.

A real date (not one of those bullshit Starbucks coffee meet ups), where the man did the planning (instead of asking what do you want to do), asked about details (were we dressing causal or adding a little flair) and most importantly, the person showing up matched who was being represented online (I’m sure he’s closer to 5’7 than 5’9 but still, he looked like his photos).

The most important detail?  He’s ready.

Winner wants to settle down, is over the dating scene (especially online dating though I’m only the second off the site) and mentioned a word that resonated with me greatly – partner.

Not once during our discussion which included everything from beer to golf to real estate to intimacy, did he say he was looking for someone to “chill with” nor did he say a girlfriend is what he wanted but he made it clear that he was looking for a partner.  What’s even better is that he had pretty clear meaning of exactly what that person was, how she took care of herself, her mate, the kinds of goals in life she should have and more.

It was surreal sitting beside a man that was on the same page and he’s thought long and hard about how to what he’s looking for in a woman (though I’m concerned he might be in too much of a hurry to end his single status) and seems pretty confident that I’m exactly what he’s looking for after only one meeting.

He’s nice-looking, has a stable career, able to articulate well and has an amazing sense of humor and just as he was complimenting of the type of woman I represented, he appears to have so many qualities that I’m looking for in a man but of course – there are always a few things about a person that don’t make you feel all warm and fuzzy or quite simply, are turnoffs and deal breakers.

His living situation, his ovary hustling dreams and the puff-puff.

Winner owns a 3-bedroom home not far from me that he shares with his 6 year-old daughter and his ex-fiance.  That is a BIG problem for me because I don’t give a hoot how much a person can say something is over, living under the same roof is not a clean break-up.  If you hear his story, it probably makes him look like a good guy with a huge heart with a lot of patience until the courts had to get involved.  But so what, I don’t like the sounds of an ex anything being in the same house. Not only are the feelings still there which may be good or bad like this article points out, for the new person coming in to know that you are just a few feet away from a late night or early morning booty creep isn’t something that would set well with any sane person.

“He’s not ready to start a new relationship. He’s still living with someone” – Exetiquette.com

Now the only saving grace is that he says the ex has a court order to be out of the home by February 1st 2016 which isn’t far away at all, but as I’ve said time and time again – situations like that are messy and a person really should not date or entertain anything similar until their old business has been fully handled.  Sure that date will be here before I know it but so what – I’m not okay with it and as a result, he’s been forewarned that he has earned a spot in the friend zone.  Who’s to say what will happen in February and how messy what is essentially an eviction (because she wouldn’t leave voluntarily after the break up) ends when the time comes so again, the living situation is an issue for me and likely for any other women he’s attempted to date.

My online profile says “does not want children” and his said “undecided/open” and just in case my response here isn’t clear, it is mentioned during any messaging and I assure you, he and I had this conversation before meeting where I made it understood that there was no on the fence for me.  I’m 40 years-old with a teenager and I don’t care if he’s the most doting father ever, having another one if so not an option for me.  So during dinner the topic comes up again where he’s mentioning “one more kid, maybe a boy and….” I have to remind him that if he’s set on hustling these ovaries, I’m not his girl.  He joked around a bit more and mumbled something about being able to change my mind and I believe he’s really convinced of that.  Not good, not good at all.  Is he going to be the one who acts as if he’s accepting of one thing while plotting all along to veer a person in the other direction?

Last concern is the smoking – why does it seem as if every black man I’ve met in the last two or three years have a habit of smoking marijuana?  Each will make it seem like they only smoke “occasionally” in the beginning but then really fess up to needing a hit once or a couple times a day.  Most women (unless they’re tokers too) don’t care for it and I’m not really a fan either so while it isn’t a major deal breaker since it’s something I did long ago, I could do without.  His saving grace is that his lips aren’t discolored, I didn’t smell it in his clothes and the bonus he added is that he doesn’t smoke blunts.  Really, he said this like it was for bonus points or something while mentioning the benefits.  Ummm, okay.

Okay, so there you have it – a great first date and introduction to a (seemingly) nice guy along with some points of pain.  I won’t mention my concerns about his level of eagerness to move forward because it’s possible there have simply been so many men I’ve met who weren’t about anything serious tainting my opinions.  For now we can both practice a little patience and continue getting to know each other but as I stated earlier, with some definite boundaries on how far until issue #1 is handled and ironically, he had a few recommendations for me.

“Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.”

While talking about past relationships and relations, we both revealed that side bar sex buddy – for him, some young 20’something who was good for nothing more than a quick roll in the hay and a little smoking an for me, my 18 year sexual marriage with Papi.  He offered some interesting insight on why things have been going on for so long saying I shouldn’t be worried about how his living situation is going to end because it will be a simple split in a couple of months, but more concerned about ending my dealings with Papi which are a must before we get serious.

Now really – which do you think is the bigger issue to resolve?  My unrelationship which has never been anything more than in between the sheets or his 5-year dealings with a woman he once said “will you marry me” to?

I’ll let that sit for a moment or for as long as it takes for his unfinished business at home to be resolved.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Too Pooped for Friday Meet Ups!

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,  Thursday.

And now you’re on day five and like most people, have likely been fantasizing about  this day arriving like crazy.  No matter what, it always seems like the longest week  ever,  so when someone asks me on a date for the first time on a Friday night,  I often cringe.

Tired, achy feet, sore back, neck strain,  needing a few extra hours of sleep, annoyed with almost everything  traffic-related.  I really just want to go home and strip off my bra, shoes and hair (you read right ) but noooooooo- I have a date that I’ve already committed to.

Let me dig a little further.

It’s  been an incredibly long week filled with moments of me wanting to hide in the bathroom  at work and scroll through  numerous Instagram feeds instead of working.

Then I’ve had other moments where I wanted nothing more than to get lost in the music while slaving  away at my desk.

But it was those moments when I wanted to scream “Shut up, just shut  the fuck up!!!” And what’s scary about this is, for a slight second, I almost said it.

Now  with all of this going on, I need to manage my time perfectly to get my kid situated, back home to shower and get dressed  and hope for a little decompression  before it’s time to go. Crunch time and let’s not forget about traffic as everyone has the same thing in mind- get somewhere and let the weekend begin!

Why don’t people  think  about these things when it comes to first dates on a Friday night or any weeknight  for that matter?

“I have cancelled dates because I was too tired, but if I was actually interested in the guy I always made up a better sounding excuse and rescheduled.”

If we have worked a full shift,  we sure as hell aren’t  refreshed and at our best.   I just don’t understand why no one has ever really considered Friday night dates as being one of the most challenging.

Maybe it’s just me.

Still,  this guy seems like a promising candidate so unlike so many of the hangovers before  him – I  think he may be worth it.

I’ll do a couple of jumping jacks  or something to get some more energy flowing.

Fingers  crossed on this week’s  find.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Some Men Are Clueless

image

They’re pretty much all the same.

I really don’t think it matters which dating site you’re using because as long as a man can use the Internet,  he can sign up on ALL of them.

This genius has followed me from Black People Meet to Plenty of Fish and now this latest site.

STILL dumb as hell so why not mess with him and have a little fun.

Perhaps if I made it easy for him and said I was Caitlyn ‘ s number one fan he would have got it.

Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

We broke up, but I’m back…

I’m caught up in this vicious cycle where the levels of frustration are so bad that I say to hell with it all.  I take down all of my decorations and pretty pictures, and might even leave some threatening note before finally ending things for good.

After a couple of weeks or so, boredom usually sets in and a little sliver of hope pops into my mind that maybe – just maybe things will be different this time.  Aren’t these the types of thoughts that makes a person want to have some reflective moments to re-evaluate their purpose and goals?  Hell yeah, it certainly is so after much thought and consideration I’m back.

Online.

Trying to meet someone normal, for the umpteenth time.

So maybe… there won’t be so many men this go round who are suspiciously suspect like this fella right here whose pose screams “DIVA”: Screenshot_2015-03-18-21-01-20-1

and maybe, just maybe there won’t be so many desperate men who repeatedly send messages without having received one solitary response like this winner:

Screenshot_2015-03-05-10-02-59-1

Or better yet, those whose mailing address begins with  “U.S. Penitentiary…” have been placed on yard duty only and can stop wasting my time like this oratory genius:

Screenshot_2015-05-19-20-56-07-2

I’ve heard that if you get stuck while doing something, it’s best to take a break and regroup.  So with that being said, I’m going back in.  Again.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
Web: www.mydatinghangovers.com
Email: myhangovers@gmail.com

 
(Photo Credits:  oochoo.blogspot.com)

The 18 Year Situation

There’s something that happens when a woman is feeling really sexy and it could be something as simple as that dress fitting just right around her hips, those new stilettos or that new red lipstick.

We feel as if we need to be seen by everyone and it could mean a night out with the girls or a night in with a man. This evening it was just the thought of him and since I was feeling particularly frisky before getting dressed, the bad girl in me decided to take a photo or two. It wasn’t anything sleazy or something I would be ashamed of if that text message I was sending to him ended up in the wrong hands, but it was just enough. 

A simple message was attached asking “What time are we off work tonight” and when he replied “Damn, not soon enough but on time tonight without any curve balls.  I can’t wait to bathe in your hormones”.

Papi always comes back with the right answer and as he reminded me several days ago his “moves are usually in synergy” with what I like, hence the reason we have never had a falling out or disagreement in our 18 year history.

We have been consistently inconsistent with one another and while it doesn’t seem as if it’s been that long, I remember our first encounter right after graduating from college in 1998. I was the young and mouthy chick who thought she was pretty experienced, but he quickly and effortlessly showed me that I was a glorified amateur. Whatever it took to satisfy ME when it came to intimacy has been this man’s goal from day one and when I say he has never failed me between the sheets, I mean never. 

How many people can honestly say they’ve been with someone who can satisfy you with mind blowing sex each and every time? Go ahead and think about it, I’ll wait.Sexual_Chemistry_cover0So while I’m telling my girlfriend over drinks about my needing to sneak away from the group a little early she asks the same thing several others have asked – why haven’t we tried anything else besides the fucking?

She could tell how much respect I have for him and knew I had to care for this man in some way, but couldn’t understand how he could seem like the completed package and we haven’t progressed to anything else.   I replied that we gave it a shot at something else during a daytime outing (and only once) many years ago, and it was one of the most awkward dates ever. Uncomfortable silence among two great conversationalists is just mind blowing but that’s what happened. We just stared across the table at each other and finally started laughing before “we tried, back to business as usual” and that we.

After hearing all of this she just shakes her head in amazement and tells me “That’s your husband; you guys are in a sexual marriage”.

Hearing someone clearly define this situation using words other than friend with benefits or fuck buddy was pretty damn amazing to me. I would have never thought of it that way but realizing the extent of history (and not just the sexual exploration over the years) I’ve had with Papi I realized she’s right and at the same time, remembered that NO other man will ever be able to do the one thing he has done – he was involved with me before I had a child (flawless body), while I was with child (it was over with the father sooner than later) and now after my child (stretch marks and some extra pounds).

Throughout all of the life experiences he has never wavered or broken his pattern of consistency with me when it came to the intimate moments. 

Never.

Now we can fast forward to the last two months and now Papi and I have been more on than off, mainly because I haven’t really had any interest in finding someone for anything more meaningful. Sure, there’s the occasional date here and there but these men just don’t seem to do it for me so the desire and effort is minimal at best. While this seems as if my existence in the online world is nothing more than something to do, the bigger concern I have is whether I’m just really messed up and confused about what I really want and may have turned into one of those women who doesn’t care about anything else or I’m in denial.

Is it possible for you to have relations with someone for this long of a time without having any desire for anything more or better yet – not have strong feelings or even be in love?

What’s wrong with me or what’s wrong with him?

Guess I’m going to need to let those thoughts marinate a bit but just a little because we all know that once a woman starts thinking about things, she normally changes the dynamics from stable to chaotic.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

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