The Death of Dating

He didn’t have any standards,  so she kept lowering hers.

She stopped caring about making a good first impression, so he stopped taking a last look in the mirror before walking out the door.

She stopped requiring a phone call, and agreed to dares through a string of text messages .

We’re all guilty of ruining the dating scene- both men and women.

Interested in reading more about how we’ve gone from searching for the “right one” to someone “cool to hang with”, click here  to check out my guest post for Digital Romance.

Digital Romance is one of the best online resources for dating news and advice.

Carmen Jones

Shit or Get Off The Pot

It’s been a loooooong time coming, but finally my time has come around again.   After the last conversation Papi and I had, we both resolved that the feelings we had (albeit confusing) needed to be dealt with.

“After so many years, how could we not have some strong emotions” he said somewhat emphatically.    He’s so right and after quite a few years, I’m finally on the same page with a man.

We both realized it was worth a shot trying something that was beyond the sex. We spent a lot of time talking about what our ideal companion looked like and conceded that we were likely looking right at it- in one another.

It’s amazing how I rarely will take a leap of faith without any second guessing and with him, I’m doing just that.  In fact, he wasn’t out the door more than five minutes before I went online and canceled my dating account.  Now here I am thinking of what’s to come and while only time will tell if there’s anything here, if we’ll revert back to cut buddies only or worse, nothing at all.

I might be getting closer.

But wait…..

There’s just one thing- this isn’t exactly what’s going on with us since my last update because in reality, not a fucking thing has transpired after our little chat.  Not a word, conversation, text and I do mean nothing, nada, zilch.

Let me tell you what did happen.

Papi said what he had to say, I said what I had to say.  I asked him why he never ever said anything to me about his current “state of confused emotions” and most importantly, why he never ever mentioned anything to me about how he’s felt in the past.

He said he figured it was just best to keep it to himself and not rock the boat, which is how we’ve been able to carry on like this for so long.  He just kept feelings to himself and since I never gave any green lights that said “Go”, he figured he would stay in his lane.

Blank stare.

I probably stood there glaring at him in disbelief before finally responding “What the hell?  You never gave me any signals or indication that you wanted anything but the red light so how would I have known?”

I wanted to know why he never asked if I was involved with someone whenever we struck up another round and after all of these years, why hadn’t he mentioned that he was even remotely interested.  He said he didn’t want to hear about my involvement with another man and I told him to a woman this translates into you not giving a shit about anything else.

I told him I wasn’t a mind reader and that if he was interested, he should have just said what he needed to say and deal with it.  This went on and on for a few rounds and eventually he starts laughing and tells me “Damn Carmen, you sound just like a man with some of the things you’re saying to me”.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told something like this which further proves that my innate ways of saying or doing the types of ridiculous things most men are guilty of doing are right on the mark.

Papi recognized this and it made me wonder if he’s used to being the one on the other side of the fence.  We realized we weren’t getting anywhere and besides, it was already late at night so we bid our farewells and he was out the door which takes me back to the beginning of this post – the fact that nothing in the last two and a half weeks has transpired since that night.

We kind of left the “state of confused emotions” hanging for the past two and a half weeks but the art of practicing avoidance isn’t one of my strong points.

I would much rather face things head on and deal with the outcome, whether it’s to my satisfaction or not and although we had a quick session last week, I haven’t said anything else and neither has he. A few months ago I made the comment about knowing why I was single and not understanding what his deal was, someone who was seemingly such a great catch.

Yet after a few discussions about his interaction with different people such a particular co-worker and more importantly, his ex-wife, one thing jumped out at me.

His style of communication which was in his own words, not always received very well adding that he had been told many times that he came off as being condescending and not giving two shits about much of anything.

Okay, perhaps avoidance of issues is just how he rolls but that is so different from me.  I would much rather hear something standard of these kinds of men like “I’m just not in a position to offer you anything more” than nothing at all.

If there’s anyone out there willing to explain to me how things should work from here with this sexual relationship while we’re trying to ignore the elephant in the room, I’m all ears but my inner instinct is telling me exactly what should happen from here.

I need to resolve that I’ve arrived at that time in my life where I need to stop allowing this man to be my eternal back up plan.

That’s what he has always been because any time I’ve been in between relationships and the dating prospects haven’t been too serious, he has been there ready to provide and fulfill my needs but it’s never been for anything more than just sex.

There’s no specific explanation I can provide for why it took me this long to catch feelings.  18 years.

I can only guess that it was my turning 40 and having one of the most definitive ideas of what I’m looking for in a man.  Or maybe I can guess again that it was due to my lack of involvement with any real distractions (men).   Hell, I can even guess that once our intimate interactions took a turn, we began to explore each other’s boundaries a lot more, things got really intense and intense the hormones became confused with emotions.

Whichever the case, it’s not something that fits into any logical place for me and I would be lying if I said we could just carry on like usual is a possibility.  I think it’s just time to move on and this time – it needs to be for good.

It makes me wonder if I should have said anything to him at all.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Posted from WordPress for Android

Stop Over Thinking, It’s Just Great Sex

An overwhelming instinct to protect myself from certain situations that can be detrimental to my well-being has suddenly kicked into overdrive.

This is really just a fancy way of saying whenever I’m feeling like the situation with a man is a little confusing or uncomfortable for me, the anchor comes up and this old ship gets to sailing.

It’s funny (well, not really) how just a few days ago I was skipping through the field of daisies, still on a high after the latest tryst with my long-term cut buddy Papi which I’ll say again, was one of the best sessions. I could just brush it off as having been one of those moments where the hormones of a 40 year old woman had gone crazy,  but I wouldn’t be a woman if I left it at that.

Just as many of us will do, I’ve been trying to analyze every moment to get some answers and wanted to slap myself once I realized how much time my brain had been spinning trying to do just that.

What was so different about this time? Why was the energy so different?

Could it be something as simple as me using a different scarf to blind-fold him or was I more turned on by being the one in control while instructing him through each moment during sex, doling out punishment if he disobeyed?

I found it mildly disturbing that I was even thinking about the why because that is totally out of character for me and then it hit me – maybe I was beginning to catch feelings.

If anyone has ever been in this situation before whether you were the catcher or the catchee, you already know that once a person tries to step outside of what’s already been established (sex partners and nothing more), it’s a lose-lose outcome.

This man has been a part of my life since I was 23 years-old and I’m now a few months away from being forty-one and if there weren’t any types of feelings there, I would be questioning whether or not my emotions were made of concrete and yesterday I kind of sort of let him know with a quick text message.

Dialogue is not what I was looking.

My sending that text was nothing more than a getting-this-off-my-chest-please-don’t-reply-and-if-you-do-I-won’t-read-it chicken shit kind of message and afterwards, I felt a hell of a lot better by simply telling him that perhaps the lack of any other “male distraction” was causing me to feel a little caught up.

That’s all I said and again, made it clear that I wasn’t looking for a reply of any kind, taking any and all credit for these feelings being all of my own.  Well, his ass replied and not only was I surprised, confusion by something he said using the phrase “mutually exclusive” totally messed me up.

Now I regret having said anything at all because our situation is what it is and I just need to regroup and keep it pushing.

This is happening because of failed dating and I blame the other men for this. If there were some decent prospects to consider, all of my focus this year would NOT have been on one person and everything would be okay and I could get back to sharing the sexual experiences with Papi and nothing else.  Bastards!!!

Don’t try to make sense of that last part; it only makes sense in my twisted little mind to find a reason for me having allowed overactive pheromones to have temporarily blinded me. For the first half of this year, I’ve not really been focused on dating of any kind – in person or online but now I think it’s time for a few distractions so I can close Pandora’s box just as quickly as I opened it.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Don’t Ignore the Signs

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Photo credit: www.alternativemedicine.com

It saddens me to hear about yet another relationship gone terribly wrong.  In case you haven’t heard the latest news, rapper Earl Hayes who was once signed to Floyd Mayweather’s record label decided to take a tragically different approach to reconciliation by shooting his wife and star of VH1’s reality show Hit the Floor, Stephanie Moseley, then taking his own life in an apparent murder-suicide.

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Stephanie Moseley/Earl Hayes

While we will never know exactly what took place in the moments leading up to this tragic event on the morning of Monday December 8th, it seems as if Stephanie may have been in the dark about how bad things really were between them since she had just told relatives days earlier that “things had been going pretty well”.  On the other hand, there’s a strong possibility that she knew exactly what the state of the relationship was and did what so many of us may do – save face and lie instead of having to explain to our loved ones about what’s really going on. One thing we definitely know is that Hayes had been suffering from depression and emotional instability and even friends knew about it.

Mental illness is nothing to play around with and while more than 54 million Americans have a form of illness such as depression, bipolar disorder or panic disorders, most aren’t seeking any type of treatment.  Sadly, this is the case particularly when it comes to blacks and if we drilled a little further I would go so far as to say this relates to black men more often than we are willing to admit.

As I review the different stories surfacing about the Hayes/Moseley tragedy and think about the other high profile incidents where one or both people in a relationship had been known to suffer from a mental illness, I am truly thankful for having dodged a few bullets myself.  There have been a few men from my past who had either shown me the signs indirectly (displays of extreme mood swings, jealous behavior etc..) or directly (suicide attempts, physical assault) as early as my teenage years, and as recently as a few years ago.

You can call it lack of compassion and understanding, or not really have caring for the man as much as I professed to at the time, but I call it common sense.  Just like any kind of addiction, if you’re dealing with someone suffering from a condition who fails to acknowledge it and seek help, you’re spinning your wheels trying to help them.  I’m sure this beautiful woman knew exactly what kinds of demons her husband was dealing with or maybe she wasn’t 100% sure but you know most certainly, the signs were there.

Even at an early age I recognized the signs from these men of my past who were definitely suffering from one or more forms of mental illness and even with feelings and love, chose me and chose to live because I’m pretty sure that at least one has it in him to take the same course of action as Earl Hayes.

The struggle is real.

Carmen Jones

Facebook Knows All Your Business

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Why Chris Brown,  why?!?!?

I guess this could be somewhat of a hypocritical statement since I’m a dating blogger and have spilled my guts about every intricate detail when it comes to my experiences but really – does every intricate detail of what goes on in a relationship have to be broadcasted?

We’ve all seen how the posts go from “Out with my baby” and “Love my boo”  to posts like “Good times with my girls” and “Ladies night out” only to finally see that relationship status changed to “Single” or “It’s complicated”.  Some are nice and simple while others get down and dirty like this one:

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For as long as I have been on Facebook I have either done one of two things – either left my relationship status BLANK so when things go bad, the only thing you’re missing are a couple of posts and maybe photos OR made sure I went through the one hundred painful steps you need to take to prevent a change from showing up on your timeline.  My closest friends will have found out about the end of my dealings with a man directly without 200 or so people needing to know, but I realize people feel differently.

Take a look at this sad update posted by a friend on Facebook invoking discussion on why his relationships aren’t working out while those of us who really know him can guess that his spicy personality cocktail mixed with a splash of bipolar disorder and a shot of depression is the reason why. I’m just hoping his venomous comments that followed weren’t shared with the ex:

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It just makes you wonder if people are posting these kinds of relationship updates to elicit sympathy and compassion or if they’re doing the same thing I’ve been doing for several years – simply venting on their online diaries.  I don’t mind the broadcasts because at least you’ll get to know exactly how well OR poorly people handle breakups.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Why Are You Single?

“…I can’t understand how a woman like you could be single, you are amazing…” is what Out of Sight said quite a few times earlier on during our friendship/situation and I would always jokingly reply “It’s possible because and I am truly a good catch, but  I keep meeting assholes with too much personal baggage who aren’t ready and I have to let them go”.

What I told him is so sad but  true because in nearly every instance where I meet someone and we begin the process of getting to know one another, we get derailed because of something the man is going through, he needs to work through his shit and I have over a dozen examples (men) from my past  who ended up on the chopping block because of their selfishness.  Here’s a public service announcement for these men- handle your shit, stop trying to date women when you don’t have the time, energy or money.

Ah….. money, money, money, money.  Most of the issues with men like Out of Sight that eventually leads to problems causing  dating to fall flat  has to do with money – men have to work hard and often, very long hours in demanding jobs to support a lifestyle that either needs to be downgraded or to support their obligations such as children or an ex-wife.  Rescue once told me that there isn’t anything in the world that can make a man feel better about himself  if his finances aren’t right – not a loving and  supportive woman, nothing.  So I get the workaholic thing because I’m not fond of Skittles dates, but here’s a newsflash – communication is key!  I just feel a little stupid because I was too busy making excuses for this man knowing good and damn well, I should have been taken off of a dating web site and swept off my feet the moment he met me.

In this situation, Out of Sight failed to communicate with me in the very beginning because he neglected to tell me that he really isn’t ready for anything serious, so now I was basically told over California Rolls and martini’s  to just accept that he’s poor at communicating (saying he’s been told this many times before) and to accept that his life is a big hodgepodge of sorts which may stay that way for an unspecified period of time.  Oh yes, it’s true.

Look at me up here  making excuses for him because he’s so busy with family and life when the reality of the situation has been there;  it’s just that I had to wait until Friday night for him to share with me a lot more of the intimate details of his life.

The bottom line is this – as much as a person can say they are so different from the next, they are really just like the next and he is acting like so many others who enjoy the benefits but aren’t willing to commit to the work.

I’m really bummed out because here I am wasting precious keystrokes on  yet another hangover with potential and he knows he’s is a good guy overall. In fact, he even jokingly takes the time time to remind me of his greatest selling points such as him being a great provider who was caring, affectionate and loyal and had been single for a reason because he’s just… a very busy man with a hectic life.  I can appreciate the fact that he says he really needs to focus on improving himself spiritually, being a better father, son and a better person overall.  While he certainly expressed how much he cares for me that all seemed to be go out the window like a bucket of hot piss when he actually admitted that he wasn’t in a place right now to be decent relationship material because he said he’s “stretched so thin”.

Umm… really? NOW you tell me?!!

What does stretched thin mean, and what has changed since the time we first began communicating?  Stretched thin because everyone from his father, daughter and whoever else in between needed him and relied on him (whether unintentional or not) for some type of support. Adding to this “about my issues” moment was how his work situation isn’t what he thought it would be, and equally as bad are his temporary living quarters. Out of Sight started rambling on and in the end, I realized I was being asked to accept him how he is and no more, at least not now.

Liquor is really like a truth serum or perhaps Out of Sight was feeling  really comfortable and wanted to be candid with me, because he suddenly launches into an all out I-need-time-for-me spill about how he needs to have  time for himself, just being able to relax and not hear the nagging from a woman to do this or that when he’s getting off work, and how sometimes in the past he would be so tired from work that sex would be out of the question.  It’s funny how relieved he seemed to be telling me all of these REAL reasons why he hadn’t made any moves to seal the deal, encouraging me to keep dating and it’s also funny how he didn’t realize that my mood had gone from the happy woman in the presence of a great guy to one of those finger to temple,  this is some bullshit type of blank  stare in a matter of minutes.   Surely this fool didn’t think I was just going to sit there and take it all in without calling him out on what I believed he was really about, did he?

“You don’t really want to be in a relationship because you’re spilling off at the mouth all of the things  you despised about being with your ex-wife and other women before me.  If you do want a relationship, it would be one out of convenience when you wanted a snuggle buddy when getting off late from work, or happened to have some free time.  I really appreciate you telling me all of this because now I know what I’m dealing with;  my ex had a lot of personal shit he was dealing with that ultimately affected our relationship but he didn’t man up and just say he didn’t want anything serious out of selfishness, he didn’t want to lose me.”

He denied, denied, denied some more then denied all that I had said and even tried to make light of the situation by chuckling then saying that wasn’t the case, that he wanted something more.  Unless I’m borderline retarded, I understood what he was saying loud and clear – he doesn’t want anything right now and things are cool with the two of us but this isn’t really going anywhere anytime soon.  So here’s what I surmise of this situation – One, he was  unsure if my character was true  and was worried that I would change like all of the other women from his past, and start acting like an affection-starved lunatic or two, he had no intentions of pursuing anything further because he wants to be “free” and able to do what he pleases.

Like I said, he wanted something in  theory but his own shit and true desire to have things the way he wants them are two obstacles for us.  So as of this afternoon, I had to tell him simply that the Carmen who thinks she’s working towards a possible relationship with someone she’s been involved with for several months now is going to be completely different than the Carmen who knows there’s no future with that same person based on the slip ups and actions in the last couple of weeks, but especially based on his I’m-single-by-choice manifesto.  I would be a damn fool to continue carrying on with him the way I have and getting more and more caught up, entangled in a web of emotions.

Interestingly enough is the disparity in opinions on how to handle this type of situation – do you hang in there and just continue with your dating habits as normal OR say no more and pull the plug?  Single women seem to be a lot more tolerant of these types of situations and feel it’s worth a shot because in a couple of months once the dust settles, things may calm down and he’ll be ready for what I want.  Women who are or have been married?  They say hell no, he’s playing games and needs to go.

Not that I enjoy quoting Steve Harvey but he did say something that resonates in my mind quite often – if a man really wants you, there isn’t anything he won’t do to let you know and to work hard at getting and keeping you.

I’m going to have to roll with my own thought in the matter which are in line with the married women.  He should have taken the opportunity to tell me before we created the patterns of speaking on a regular basis, sharing intimate details, desires and dreams.  Instead, I’m hoping he’s thinking back to the last time he asked me why was I single.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones
myhangovers@gmail.com

 

Dishonest Men, Jaded Women

I can’t even front right now, I’m feeling pretty disgusted right now and for just a moment, was licking a wound or two.  Okay, I get it – Special Agent was not a person who ever should have been a contender for dating so realizing that months ago, I made the awful mistake of agreeing to remain friends.  This was all him, he reached out to me, he initiated most types of contacts with each other but damn his actions are just so foul.  I’m disappointed and a little hurt that someone who professed to be such a stand up kind of man could be so dishonest.  We agreed not to do the dating thing and while I was perfectly okay being friends, it was always him initiating the risque conversations about sex or fellatio so once again – we have a man telling a woman one thing, yet behaving the opposite of what he’s saying.  Do you talk about fucking your friend?  Not me.

It just isn’t right.

Just 24 hours ago, I was laying in a bed as well but it wasn’t mine and I certainly wasn’t staring at the screen of a laptop.  What should have been an enjoyable evening in the city that I consider my home away from home, it ended with me wondering if I was too tired to get up, grab my things and make that 2 hour drive back home.  SA and I were taking one of several breaks and chatted mainly;  a little about music, a question about why I blogged the last post the day before coming down and more.  Little did I know, he already knew that trouble was brewing and never let in on this, instead becoming annoyingly curious each time I picked up my cell phone.  For the most part, I enjoyed being in his company until he began opening his mouth and inserting his foot.  SA realized that it was best to bid each other good night and drift off to sleep after these three comments:

“You’re right, I really don’t know what I want” – Before any lecturing begins, it’s quite simple how this admission came about.  I told SA about a conversation with someone earlier that day and that I told the person “He isn’t a bad guy, he just doesn’t know what he wants”.  For him to admit this was certainly no shocker and can also be interpreted as him knowing what he does NOT want.  It’s a shame he couldn’t have said this much sooner and it is sad that at the age of 38, he still does not know.

“What do you think about making this a regular thing?” – I think the look on my face was one of sheer horror when SA says this meaning, me making a trek down there and having multi-orgasmic sessions was something we should plan to do on a regular basis.  Is he crazy? I was completely dumb founded and when I didn’t reply he remarked that probably wouldn’t work for me with all of the men and “situations” I was dealing with.

“Actually, I can’t say that either – anything regular wouldn’t work for me” – SA says that he has a few “situations” he has to deal with right now where he couldn’t commit to doing that.

What the hell is wrong with this picture?  Once I picked my jaw up off the floor I finally responded and said “SA, I am on the highway going north and you’re going south.  Meaning there is absolutely no confusion in my mind about what I want.  You on the other hand, say you do not know which means there is nothing for us to talk about in terms of regularity.  Nothing at all.” He ASSumed that I was dating and carrying on intimately with many men because that is what he is doing where he lives.  The fact that I would not have to offer any explanations or even call up  any men I deal with if I decided I’m going to work on dating one person, versus this genius telling me he wouldn’t be able to explain his busy status so easily was classic.   So when he asks if I want to talk about it more, and to share what’s on my mind I simply said let’s leave it alone, told him goodnight and turned my back.

Perhaps it is just the way he sleeps or an early onset of sleep apnea, or maybe  a guilty conscious (if he had one) prevented him from sleeping without being so restless, and maybe it was because I had a nagging sensation that something was awry, that I could barely sleep.  I couldn’t put my finger on it, but after being jarred awake at 5am by his cell phone ringing, interrupting what little sleep I was able to get, I woke up thinking it’s time for me to go.

There are so many details I’m leaving out partly because I really don’t want to expend any more energy and mainly to preserve what will go in the book.  Fast forward to us showering, getting dressed and him having to remind me that I had agreed to breakfast.  Opting to drive my own car an just follow him to the restaurant, a quick phone call was made to one of my girlfriends to give her the recap of the night.  That nagging feeling was still there afterwards and remained as SA and I ordered and ate breakfast.  It was at this time that he joked once again that a few relatives, women he USED to deal with and friends read the blog, adding that some had been calling all day yesterday since my post to say “What are you doing tonight”, pleading that I at least change his name on the blog.  I told him I wouldn’t change his name, but would modify a few other details and asked what he had to hide to be so concerned now.  It’s been two years, what changed?

For some odd reason, SA looked unnerved and ready for something to happen.  At any moment when I was quiet and staring out of the window, reflecting, he continued to ask what was on my mind.  Finally, my patience with this questioning had worn thin and I asked what his problem was?  He says I just don’t want you to post anything I don’t already know, adding that we’re good friends and should be able to talk about anything before he has to learn about something I wasn’t happy about from last night on the blog.  What an odd thing for him to say so again, not knowing what is behind his paranoid behavior I DID agree to leave out any sordid details and that was it.  After making a few idle threats about being able to shut my web site down, he conceded that he couldn’t ask anything further.  Breakfast ends without incident but the mood is different and  the air is a little thick, so I couldn’t wait for him to walk me to my car, give the obligatory hug and peck on the cheek and away I went.

No sooner than two minutes on the road and I was calling my girlfriend back to confirm what I had felt earlier.  That although SA and I had agreed to remain friends, seeing each other when available and having no expectations beyond that, he was expecting a long distance booty call arrangement.  No deal for me, so the plan was to simply get back home get some much needed sleep, update my blog and leave it at that.   Instead, I made a detour to the dealer and while waiting for an oil change decided to finally check and approve the comments from yesterdays post.

The very first one was from a woman who left her cell phone number and asked that I please call her to find out if the post she’d stumbled on from yesterday was indeed about the same man she was involved with, the second from another woman who had found the first post about him from 2010.  Damn.  Shit.  Damn.  You have got to be kidding me!

I didn’t want to but I did, and over an hour later I found out so much about this man from a woman who has been involved with him off and on for over SIXTEEN years.  I heard that the SAME day I was there he told her he was called away for a SPECIAL assignment, I learned that she was in a “committed” and “monogamous” relationship with him, that she was just there TWO days before I had visited and that he had just told his sisters during that visit that they were planning MARRIAGE.  I grumbled when she told me about his live in GIRLFRIEND  that he ended things with two months ago, something she learned from one of his sons and so much more.  Soon, I felt as if my ears were being overloaded with bullshit but we then realized that the “busy working” excuse he so often used was just that, an excuse and cover up.

I finally asked her when he shared the blog with her and she says he didn’t; she was so perplexed at his behavior and how to deal with him once they had committed to making things work (for real this time), she Googled “how to date…”  This woman told me that she called him out on this, at which point he told her I was nothing but a friend and that the blog about the birthday outing with the kids and Dad were all lies, embellished details from a writer.  There went that feeling of bullshit overload again and I had heard enough but there was so much more, but I’ll spare the details. You never know who’s reading, right?

It’s past 11pm and this was much longer than I intended it to be and quite frankly, I’m drained.  After I processed all of this earlier today, I sent a simple text so SA which said:

“Interesting…I understand you were on a special assignment last night.  How interesting!  Is that what you call blowing out my back and receiving award winning head is called?  You’re shitty and should have just left me alone.”  He sent an apology, said that wasn’t the full story and wished me “All the best” in the future.  Next was “it was no expectations, say what you want”.

No asshole, I got the no expectations part because it was ME who said that would be the motto but that was with the understanding that you were single – not in a relationship.  Makes a big difference.

It wasn’t funny, but I laughed.  That’s all I can do about situations like this is just laugh to keep from going insane.

Men like him will meet a woman and make some comment about them being jaded or damaged goods if they are a little too inquisitive or suspicious, yet fail to realize that it was some dishonest man who made them that way.  These men should be lucky that there are more sane women such as myself as opposed to the kinds you hear about on Snapped.

I’m just saying.

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

 

 

Facebook ends yet another marriage!

I guess the title is a little unfair to Facebook, right?

If you are caught cheating because of the evidence found by your wife after reading your in box messages, it is the person to blame isn’t it?

I’m a little too worn out to fully share what I’ve just witnessed but I’ll tell you two things:

First, I can totally understand how this friend’s wife is feeling but damn… The things women do when we’re pissed and hurt can be a quite extreme.

Two, this makes me remember my personal experience with a cyber cheater whose Facebook in box revealed who the real person was.

Dating hangovers, marriage hangovers… They are felt by far too many people.

Carmen

Giving up on men

I’m done with men.
All of the good men are taken.
I would rather be alone.
I’m going to date ____ men.
I’m going to play for the other team.

Any of these sound familiar?

If you’re a woman old enough to have experienced enough disappointment and heartache, you’ve probably said one or two, and more than likely, you grumbled all of them.

If you’re a man, you’ve likely heard all of them far too often and yes – these comments may have been directed at you. You also may have thought or said “maybe it is you and not the men”, when hearing these cliche’ comments but how about that last one?

That is the one I’ve been hearing the most as of late and thought damn, things are really bad.

“My luck with men is just horrible, I guess I need to go play for the other team”. This was a friend’s Facebook status a few weeks back, and while we joked about it, I wondered how much of that thread was a joke and how much of it was REAL.

Does a history of crappy relationships and flings with men lead a woman to turn to another woman? Can a woman’s traditional sense of the roles in relationships be flip flopped just like that out of sheer frustration?

I’m guessing it can and yes- I have had moments where I was completely at my wits end and figured (a) dating outside of my race was needed or (b) try women. Call it my beliefs or just a programmed mind, but the second option was immediately snuffed out as an absolute non-option.

Here’s what I think may be 5 reasons why women may say to hell with men and say yes to the breasts:

1. Hopelessness.

This one seems to be the most obvious, while many of my friends and I have joked about it, there’s probably some consideration from most.

Why not?

I’ll admit, after the last three relationships I felt as if I would rather be alone instead of dealing with so much disappointment again. Yet, just like with my friend, those thoughts are only temporary once the sting has worn off and you realize being alone is NOT what you want. So what does a woman do? Consider other options, that’s what.

We look at inter-racial dating if we think our pool is tainted, we look at older/older men and some of us even lower our standards a bit and go for the types of men we wouldn’t ordinarily consider. Or…experiment with another woman.

2. Curiosity.

What is it like to be with another woman? Will she treat me better because she knows what a woman wants? Can I actually do it?

I remember from my online dating history, I would often receive messages and attempts to connect from other women. My profiles were always quite clear nearly screaming “strictly dic_ly”, but oh, they certainly kept trying. The response I would get each time I politely explained I was interested in men only? “Have you ever tried? You can’t knock something until you’ve tried it”.

I’m not knocking any of the women who have tried it or are in relationships with women, but I can come up with more solid reasons for why this wouldn’t work for me than any curiosity could quell.

3. They are lesbian, plain and simple.

I would take a guess that half of the women leaving men alone have felt the attraction and desire to be with another woman for quite some time, so after enough bad experiences with men figured this was meant to be.

4. They are bisexual.

Bisexuality is an interesting behavior that can either be real or fake. The real interest in both women and men can simply be that they are turned on by what encompasses a woman – the femininity, the beauty. In fact, there are studies that allude to the fact that a woman’s gender and sexuality can be fluid; changing their roles depending on who they are with. Also, a little dabbling here and there such as at a swingers party or fooling around with a friend may have given a woman a sense of awareness of her attraction to the same sex. Yet at the same time, she still has the desire for a man and is purely interested in variety.

The fakes? Well, these are the women (normally younger, immature) who say these things, act them out and play the part all to turn men on. Oh yes, we know how they’re always interested in a menage a trois with two women. Mention it involving two MEN and all bets are off. As one of my male confidant’s like to say “Men are more interested in a carpet muncher and not sword fighting with another man”.

Last but not least…

5. They long for an emotional connection.

I totally get this. The interest in being with another woman makes sense because we are one in the same. We understand each other’s moods, the need to be comforted, to have someone who listens and really (or at least acts like it) understands.
Possible, right?

Women have valid reasons based on what we’ve gone through dating the opposite sex to have a sour feelings, right?

There haven’t been any conclusive studies or anything that I’ve seen, but it is a fact – the landscape of dating and relationships is constantly changing.

Gone are the traditional ideas of dating. Those of us who are truly honest with ourselves know good and damn well- being alone is not what we really want. While you may be harping about being single and drama free, doing your own thing, when you’re at home and in bed A-L-O-N-E, reality sets in.

So what’s a woman to do?

The bottom line is this – if men really were all that bad, there would be no straight women.

Two fist pumps in the air for those who are looking to trade teams and give up the Derek Fisher for Sheryl Swoops.

I’m going to have to stay with my current team, Team Penis!

Until there’s a cure for the hangovers…

Carmen Jones

The Morning After

Hello to my single folks, lovers, happily married, mistresses and cheaters.

Valentine’s Day is o-v-e-r!

I know, I know – the last two aren’t the types that should be acknowledged but there are so many of you out there, I want to make sure no one is left out.

I’m curious though – how DOES Valentine’s Day work for you if you’ve got someone on the side? Take care of the side boo first or later or do they just understand you’re unavailable for a day or two? Business as usual?

Well, although I said I was boycotting Facebook yesterday, I took a little peek last night after class.

What did I find?

The usual stuff of course and I’ll be damn if I didn’t see TONS of red rose mobile uploads!!

The estranged husbands vying for another chance, the boyfriends going for something easy and even my gay female friends went for broke to shower their loves with bouquets.

A few ladies received rings and although none of them were followed by “will you marry me”, I agree that receiving one lasts a heck of a lot longer than flowers or chocolate.

Posts from the men? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Okay, I’m lying. There were several posts commenting about something very important- the Laker game! Scores, bad plays etc… A few posted Valentine’s gifts from their children but seriously folks, as I forecasted yesterday, men just don’t give a hoot enough to gab about the day.

In all, everything I expected was seen and out of all of the posts, several were worthy of sharing so here are the top 5 V Day posts:

5. “My man is good to me ALL of the time, so today is just another day of being appreciated by and appreciating someone wonderful.”

4. “Happy Valentines Day too all my boo thangs…. Only the top two will receive gifts….you other five good luck next year.”

3. “I can’t pull anything over on my girl. I brought her some roses and she says “Oh, you got stopped at the light, huh? LoL

2. “I mean really – who starts a major fight on Valentine’s?? He was just begging to be single!”

And last but certainly not least:

1. “Flowers die, fruit isn’t sweet, got enough lingerie, way too many panties, long wait at restaurants, balloons already flat, boring stuffed animals, chocolates are nasty inside, cards say the same lies, deliveries late. Instead, I would like you to use my account and routing number for deposits into my account next Valentine’s Day!”

🙂

Carmen

Love, Bragging and Obligation

As much as I wanted to be a Jehovah’s Witness for today and ignore it, I won’t.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

There, I said it.

This day is for those in love, those happy people who treat this as just another day but maybe will do something a little extra.

Maybe it was the “Baby, I really love you” from the man to his wife or the “Honey, let’s do it again” from the girlfriend to her boyfriend.

So happy day to those in love.

This day is also for the bragging women.

Yes, I said it because men sure as hell aren’t going crazy about Valentine’s Day. They aren’t blasting Facebook posts about their plans for the evening with their girlfriends or wives (and certainly not both).

As if the daily testimonials about having a “bf”, “boo”, “honey babe” or other pet names aren’t enough, I’m sure there are women everywhere chomping at the bit to post an update or upload the ceremonial bouquet of flowers.

Sometimes I think those who are NOT married do more of this than those who are. You would think the poor things have never been with a good man before. Hmm.

Last but not least, today is a day of obligations. Poor men. I actually feel sorry for you and I mean it.

Even when I was in relationships around this time of the year, I never wanted nor did I expect my significant other to go way out for this commercially glorified holiday.

Yet the obligatory actions are expected, even by the newer girlfriend.

First, the man had better be on his best behavior. Imagine the ridicule from the girl crew if he failed to call, text, visit or do something first thing in the morning? No disappearing acts, strange text messages or phone calls on this day either.

Second, he most certainly will be parting ways with a few dollars. Whether it is for flowers, dinner or some other outing, the man is going to be expected to DO SOMETHING even if his budget isn’t necessarily able to play along.

But hey hey- the obligations aren’t just on the men because if they are behaving well and spending money ladies, you already know what is going to be expected – booty.

So much pressure, but men – if its any consolation, tomorrow is YOUR day- Steak and BJ Day!

I think I will stay away from Facebook to avoid the “I’m so happy I finally have a man” posts OR even the “I hate this day, it sucks” gripes from the abundant group of bitter men and women.

Instead, I’ll think about the joyful feeling of this being my last night of class.

Now there’s something that brings a smile to my face.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen

Thanks, but no thanks!

Being forced to be civil with your ex, especially the other half who helped in the creation of your child is tough. For the most part, I have as minimal contact with the father which helps in living a drama free life.

As the two of us stood in the cold, watching the kids displaying their best effort at scoring a touchdown, the polite small talk got a bit personal.

Allow me to share a few excerpts from my discussion with “The Bullet” (meaning the one I dodged. Sort of):

TB: “So Carmen, are you still with that one dude, the firefighter?”

Me: “No”.

TB: “Man, you go through boyfriends like you do your cars”.

Me: “Really? I wouldn’t necessarily put it that way. Let’s just say I’ve got a zero tolerance policy for the bullshit. Some women just accept the way things are and deal with it.”

TB: “Yeah, but if you keep being so hard nosed you’re going to end up alone.”

Me: “Well, enough about me. How’s everything with you and your wife?”

TB: “Oh.. We’re separated, but getting back to you, I think if you…”

As I’m trying to decide whether to laugh at him or scream “Shut the fuc* up”, instead I just stare at the field.

It’s about damn time! Did she finally figure out she would be better off without you? Or perhaps that having you finally agree to get married after so many years was a lost cause?

Did she find out you had one or more chicks on the side? Maybe she figured out that on those trips to Big Bear, you took your boys PLUS date with you?

Oh wait wait – I know- she finally come to her senses and realized that she really was NOT okay with having an 13 year old, 11 year old and a 3 year old with you while getting to know your 10 year old with me?

Lucky for him, there were several parents within ear shot so I smiled like a cheshire cat as these thoughts went through my mind. He’s giving me tips?? He is actually trying to give me advice on handling men and staying in relationships.

Oh, and yes – if you read correctly, there’s a whole lot wrong with the ages of those children for a man who’d been in a relationship with this woman for over 13 years.

Two words sum it up easily – he cheated on her. Then he cheated again, then as a consolation finally married her. Then he cheated again and may have pro-created yet another child.

How do I know all of this, you know, being cordial and all?

My child.

Gotta love how innocent children are when they say things like “I had fun with Dad, but got in trouble for giggling in the movies when he and his girlfriend were kissing”. Say what?

Imagine how interesting my conversation was afterwards as I attempted to explain that having a wife AND a girlfriend was wrong.

I dodged that bullet.

Not to say that there could be something horribly wrong with her, that would cause this man to have such a wondering eye but… He is the epitome of a man who has no business being in relationships.

Oh but yes – he can offer critique, feedback and suggestions for me to have relationships that last?

The nerve. No thanks, I’ll pass.

Until there’s a cure for stupidity and hangovers…

Carmen Jones

Quote of the Week

I have been ridiculously busy! These first 26 days of 2012 have been quite productive, but I’m ready for February.

So while I continue to procrastinate on posting several items, here’s a little something sent to me earlier this week.

It’s simple, purely for shits and giggles but pretty darn accurate:

“Fat people are like most relationships – they don’t work out.”

😉

A Year of Dating Hangovers

One year.  365 days. 53 weeks. 

Several template revisions, three “About Me” rewrites, many lessons learned.

118 posts.  1,071 comments.  Thousands of Spam messages. 

Encounters with an estimated 26 men.  Total of 26 disappointments with men.

Countless expletives.  Many headaches.  Several arguments.  One heartache.

 Happy Blogoversary My Dating Hangovers!

I’m not quite sure how to feel knowing an entire year has passed since I first entered the world of blogging.  Although I started this as a hobby of sorts, to get my feet wet in the realm of online journaling, at times I wondered if I kept knocking down the different men I had encountered to give me a reason to continue writing.

I also wondered if I may have jinxed what I thought could be the end of my dating hangovers by continuing to chronicle what was happening in my relationship with Rescue.  That only stayed in my mind for a moment as I realized it was the person and not the blogging which puts me in the position I am in today.

Unknown relationship Single status.

Here’s an excerpt from my first post a year ago, November 17, 2010:

I’m single, AGAIN, as of Friday, September 10, 2010, slightly overcast, sharing my latest tales with a dear friend,  after dumping the one known as Full Metal Jacket via cell phone at, 7:32pm (not that I can remember or anything).   But don’t worry; this will not be the type of blog that is filled with sob stories and “why me” questions, unrealistic dreams and expectations or any of that fluff stuff.  Just real stories about my experiences and how I moved on from the hangovers which will either make you chuckle, appreciate, or HATE the art of dating.

Emotionally challenged, impotent, stalkers, bipolar, adulterers, fiscally handicapped, imposters, cheaters, alcoholic, obsessive, ADHD, porn-addicted, face-licking, cyber-cheaters, down low, and grammatically challenged men have truly been a lot to stomach.

I’m considering this blog a means of therapy as I rid myself of the toxins of the past creating my own hangover remedies, one post at a time.  On to the next!

I just realized that the way that introduction was written, it didn’t sound as if I had any intentions on finding the RIGHT ONE, instead I simply said “on to the next” and that is exactly what I got.  The next hangover.  Over and over and over again.

The past year has been filled with a lot of strange experiences and moments, and although I’m one week fresh off of hearing what sounded like a statement for re-election (you know – say everything the people want to hear), I can’t say that I haven’t had times I enjoyed the company I was in and the love in my heart from reconnecting with my past.

But hey– that type of tone isn’t the purpose of an anniversary now is it?  Nope, not at all.  Instead, it’s a celebration and a trip down memory lane so for your viewing pleasure (especially to the newer stalkers readers) a timeline and trip through My Dating Hangovers (November 2010 – November 2011):

Okay, so I didn’t exactly take the time to figure out how to PROPERLY insert the time line but you get the picture!

In addition to having chuckled, snorted and laughing out loud reviewing the timeline, I figured I’d pick out my favorite posts or topics:

 Top 5 Favorite Posts  

 –          Until Something Better Comes Along

–          Choosing a Life Partner

–          The Dating Resume

–          Dating the Single Parent

–          Never Date a Religious Hypocrite

 

Top 5 Men I Wish I Never Met

 –          Sybil’s Brother

–          Ghetto 2Pac

–          Good on Paper

–          Full Metal Jacket

–          Tupperware Man (don’t ask – I totally forgot about him but trust, he’s nuts!)

 

 

Top 5 Moments to Remember

 

–         Reunionw/Rescue

–          Prince concert w/Rescue

–          First date with Tall Glass of Wine

–          First date with USBC

–          Bedroom encounter w/Black Russian

 

 

 

And finally – two mini statements from the two men whose company I truly enjoyed and had figured out one of the small secrets to my happiness was laughter:

Tall Glass of Wine:

How often is it that you can meet someone who is able to carry on great
conversation, knows how to behave at the dinner table, can get down on the
dance floor, knows how to hold their liquor AND also loves Prince?

And of course…

Rescue 911:

Rescue makes me happy, makes me laugh, understands me, is affectionate, a great lover, communicates with me, shares his dreams, likes Prince, accepts me and all my flaws, understands my love of a wig collection, and above all – is my friend.

So what’s next?

I haven’t a clue but I DO know I would much rather have a blog titled “Let’s Stay Together”.

Searching for the cure…

Carmen Jones

 

Did we make up or WHAT?

  

  “You really need to update the blog so your readers know this is what really happens when you’re dealing with relationship issues”.

 I wouldn’t expect to hear something like this from a man, and especially not Special Agent but this is what he told me when I shared that there was a little more than “talking” when Rescue and I saw each other last week.

Oh wait – I guess I should mention that I told Special Agent about this face to face.  While on my weekend getaway with the girls down in his neck of the woods, he drove up to the resort making it our second time seeing each other in nearly a year.  Of course, there are plenty of details from our encounter but I’ll save those for another time.    

 Maybe. 

 Sharing all that went down would be quite interesting, but as long as he destroys that awful blackmail photo he took of me, the details will remain locked away.  

Now – back to Rescue but first, let me say this.  Apparently some people feel as if I’ve been holding out on details like I’m trying to create some type of cliffhanger when I’m posting and believe me, this isn’t the case.  If you’ve been reading for a while then you know I can be a bit winded (especially if I’m writing about certain men), so after it takes me about ten minutes to do spell check if I’m posting from my Blackberry OR notice there are 3 or more pages if posting from a computer, to me – that means I need to create two separate posts.   My point?  Get over it and wait until I’m able to write more.  =)

 Alright, so as Special Agent reminded me with a twinge of disappointment once he heard that the talk transitioned to something more physical, here’s what went down last week when after over a month, I saw Rescue.

 He talked, I listened.  I mean really listened.

 SocialLyte and my girlfriend Kim both suggested that I tone my attitude down, try not to be combative and take some of that Carmen bite out of the equation once I saw Rescue.  I actually did this and really exercised the art of communicating with a non-combative, non-aggressive type of personality.

 As I mentioned last time, Rescue’s timing was perfect, for him.  When he called me it was after I had the chance to decompress from the day’s activities and two glasses of wine later, I was mellow Jell-O.  Had he called and stopped by two days earlier?  Trust me, the conversation would have gone down completely differently and it would not have ended very well.

He called me and said it was important that he talk to me and about thirty minutes later was at my door.  I’m chuckling now because another friend told me Rescue would likely show up “looking all good”, and it would go down from there.  I have to admit – when I opened the door and saw him standing there I was thinking “Damn, he looks nice”.   

Rescue wasn’t dressed up or anything; he simply had on a black shirt, dark blue jeans and a hat.  Very simple but he can wear nearly anything well.  The bonus?  He’d let his facial hair grow in and was working the hell out of his goatee and beard.  Hmm.

Silly me.  I figured the absence of parking outside would save me from doing the one thing I said would NOT happen.  When he asked if he could park in the garage and come in, I told him no – this forced him to park in the drive way.  In my mind this was a bonus because it meant he wasn’t coming in and the conversation wouldn’t be too long, so I grabbed a coat and some shoes and walked out towards his car. 

Armed with my “just listen, don’t relent” attitude, I sat in the car with my arms folded and that expression that said I was only there to hear him out and so it began. 

When I say Rescue did almost everything right, I mean it.  He opened up the conversation by apologizing.  Acknowledging that it was his way of communicating that caused this situation and acknowledging everything my suspicions had assumed about why he shut down the way he did. 

He told me that he was not letting me go and refused to give up.  When he came back toCaliforniahe had one purpose with me and that was to be together, making me his last.

He told me that in spite of me having apologized for the last blow up over the whole divorce situation, that argument we had on Labor Day really put his mind in a different place.  He felt vulnerable and figured at any time I could tell him not to come over anymore and even added he realized the same could happen with his good friend he’d been staying with.

He told me that even though I told him I was willing to work with him while he rebuilt his life; he felt less than a man because he wanted to give me the world and couldn’t even take care of himself or his family obligations. 

He told me that he had to fall flat on his a$$ and had to do it alone.  Now he has a new direction and an actual vision instead of just living in survival mode.  He’s going back to school after realizing that getting back into firefighting or some other related type of work just isn’t feasible in this economy so he’s learning a new skill.

He told me there was never another woman, reminding me again that he’s only interested in one and that was me.

He told me he would like me to give him a chance to prove that he’s worth it, to work with him and not give up on the relationship.

He told me that he wants to be married to me and wants another child.

Out of everything that he told me while we sat there was important, touching and things that I wanted and needed to hear.  Occasionally, I would glance over and really look into his eyes to make sure that all that he was saying wasn’t some scripted game, but what I saw, heard and felt was sincerity.

Above all, I loved hearing that he was my friend and that he’d missed that.  A lot.

Certainly, you don’t think I just sat there the entire time listening and not saying anything!  Rescue had the opportunity to get everything out and when he was done, he asked me to at least think about it and said he was in no position to expect me to answer right then and there, nor could he expect me to say yes.  I had a lot to say in between pauses and especially at the end, something like a closing argument.

 I told him he had really messed things up and while I know blaming one person isn’t conducive of working things out, I couldn’t help it because I was hurt, angry and completely disappointed.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he hadn’t learned the art of communicating within a relationship and that I couldn’t determine if taking another chance on him suffering from some type of set back, that he wouldn’t do the same thing again.

I told him that his actions proved to me that he did not TRUST me and reminded him of something I said when we first started dating again.   I told him that I was willing to do something I would never consider doing – being with someone who is not only married, but at the time had no place of his own to live and had no job.  I reminded him that my exact words were “I believe in you; I knew you before when you had all of those things and I remember how good you treated me, so I know you’ll get back to where you were”.  He let his insecurities over ride anything I’d promised to him.

I told him that I loved him and that was something that hadn’t changed, but had been tainted with so many negative feelings I couldn’t say how I would be able to deal with him in the future.

This was definitely a conversation for the books but I am proud of myself.  For once after having ended a relationship by telephone or text, I actually had a face-to-face meeting with the man I was involved with to listen to what he had to say.

I don’t know if I wanted to cry or slap him (I warned him that the latter was a strong urge and suggested he brace himself), but at some point I was finished listening.  I told Rescue it was getting late and was going back inside, and when he offered to walk me to the door, figured I was just going to take some time to process all that had been said.

In his true gentleman fashion, he walked me to the door, gave me a hug and wished me a good evening.  I thanked him, closed the door and that was it.

Okay, not exactly.

I sat on the couch for about a minute and sent a text to a friend telling her I finally saw him, that he left without incident but that I really didn’t want him to go.  My comment to her was “guess I’m not so tough after all” and she replied “you have a heart and you can’t deny that” and told me I should let him know. 

I sent a simple text to him telling him I really didn’t want him to leave and he asked if he should come back, so of course my reply was YES.

This time he knocks on the door, smiling when I open and hand him the remote to the garage.  A few moments later, he’s inside and we’re sitting on the sofa when I jokingly tell him he got off easy with that talk because all of the questions I had prepared in my mind weren’t even brought up.  Then I told him he had some nerve to show up after all that had happened empty handed.  He looked at me and started chuckling and asked if I wanted him to go outside and cut off one of the bird of paradise flowers and calling his bluff, I said yes.

He gets up, grabs a pair of scissors and disappears outside the door but damn – he was gone for a while. 

I figured he was just standing there, thinking when he comes back inside with one arm behind his back.  He walks over to me, kisses me on the forehead and says “Baby, I am so sorry and I love you” and gives me some of the prettiest flowers.   We laughed at the gesture because it was so dramatic and over the top, but these types of silly moments are what I miss the most.

By the way, I didn’t realize until a few days later that he’d gone halfway down the block to get those flowers.  =)

Can you blame me for what happens next? 

After all of this, it’s almost 10pm and it’s pretty chilly.  I tell him he can stay for an hour longer and then he has to leave, and we head back to the bedroom.  We’re laying down, talking, keeping our hands to ourselves and then he kissed me.

It was all over after that because it was one of those kisses that sends shock waves throughout your entire body and leaves you feeling all tingly.  He’s kissing me, rubbing my face, stroking my hair and whispering in my ear.

I always said making love to Rescue was the best, hands down but this time?  I don’t think I can really put into words how that felt and even as I write this, I can’t explain it.

Yes, I did the one thing you should not do when you’re talking to an ex about a possible reconciliation (though I honestly don’t think Rescue ever accepted that HE was single).  Having done that blurs the efforts of concentrating on the issues and whether any of them had been resolved and IF any of those unresolved could be items you can work with.

So as of right now, I can’t even say that we even made up.  I DO feel better that he’s no longer on my “most hated” list and I DO feel better that we can at least talk to each other.  However, I’m not expecting much to come of this.  

I have no expectations for anything to happen, no desire to be asked out to dinner with him, nothing.  In fact, my follow up conversation with him will consist of me suggesting he keep me in his life but as a friend only because right now, that’s all that he can handle since my expectations in a relationship cannot be met.

 

I think I’m still searching for the cure to the dating AND relationship hangovers…

Carmen ~