Dating Someone Who’s Been to Prison

Where do you draw a line in the sand that separates judgment from an inability to relate? It seems as if a lot of the men trying to date are in situations that make it hard for a woman to want to deal with them.

Before I explain further,  you can obviously  tell that not much is cooking in terms of prospects.  I may chat with the men I’m meeting online and even the ones I’ve encountered in person, but nothing sticks.  So my dating experiences haven’t gone beyond a few meet ups that have gone nowhere or I’ve just been dealing with the old faithful bench players holding it down in the friend zone.

If you know anyone who’s tried online dating and is still single, they surely have told you about the cycle.  We go away, but we come back and a couple of weeks ago, I reactivated my profile for like the fourth time this year.

Sadly, the same old song is playing.

The men I’m interested in are either cocky as hell, unavailable to date, far away (Nova Scotia is a stretch), or just not into me.

So by design, the men I am not interested in are sticking to me like flies on shit.  They are either unattractive, perverted, too thuggish or for a lack of better words- are true struggle bunnies.

Let’s take the gentleman I exchanged numbers with a few days ago who I’ll call Felonious Monk.

He’s decent looking guy (says his photos), owns a transportation business, is literate, has a great sense of humor, and the biggest score is his intellect.  He mentioned a few times how he had grown weary of the types of women he was involved with former the past, and was now looking for that “sexy, smart, corporate chick with a bit of an edge”.

That’s me, that’s me, that IS me!!!

Now while he isn’t college educated, he’s obviously spent a lot of time reading and taking in knowledge to converse about a lot of things.  I could tell he had a few rough edges, but nothing too bad was revealed from our first conversation so this one sounds decent, right?

Um, yeah.  Let’s get to that follow up call which starts out talking about living situations, kids and our backgrounds.

I’m not judging BUT 46 years old and roommate just doesn’t sound right.  He explained he was helping out a friend and not even charging him rent, so it was more of a “staying with” vs a true roommate.  Okay, whatever.  

These living situations have pretty much become the norm in California so my nose twitched a bit, but that little nagging bitch in the back of my head meowing forced me to allow what is normally a turn off and deal breaker.

The “who lives with you” talk naturally went to children and again, not judging because once again, a man with multiple children is the norm after 30, so I barely batted an eye when he said he had three.

But how many mothers?  Three.  And so it begins but gets worse.

This revelation would have had the average woman wrapping up the conversation, but I allowed the conversation to continue and then he makes a comment about people getting second chances at life.

Lord help me, I wasn’t ready.

Listening to him talk about himself and his upbringing was like turning the pages in a book on urban history;  like some “Losing Isiah” meets “Boyz N The Hood” type shit which involved a single parent household with a father nowhere to be found.  A mother strung out on crack cocaine not paying attention to what her kids were doing which led to him dropping out of school, joining a Los Angeles street gang where he hustled and sold the same drugs his mother was fiending for, and eventually – he became a career criminal.

The longest stint in prison? 7 years hence the name.

What’s so crazy is hearing how easy it was for him to get women;  the types who were attracted to that thug life which offered nothing but drama and for him – resulting in his three baby mamas.  So it’s no wonder he’s talking about wanting a different type of person who’s pretty much a square but how does that work?

I tried not to be judgmental and in spite of his checkered past, I could tell from his conversation he wasn’t a dumb man.  In fact, Felonious Monk came across as a highly intelligent, fairly articulate and driven man who claims he learned his life lessons and just wanted to live a normal life with a woman by his side.  But still…. that past is something that can’t be ignored.  Or can it?

You’ll often hear (black) women complain that there aren’t enough available men, however this isn’t entirely accurate.  They ARE out there.  It’s just a matter of how much you’re willing and able to deal with and sometimes I ask myself if I should have stayed with the bipolar, manic depressive, porn addicted, serial masturbator, emotionally manipulating, microscopic penis having ex-boyfriend instead of dealing with the dating scene.

I think it’s an inability to relate or accept those things were in the past, so I pretty much shut him down last night.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Could this be the LONGEST one EVER?

There are always two extremes online: the master of minimalism type dude who is lazy or unimaginative and writes “Just ask”.  Then there’s this type that treats his dating profile like an autobiographical novel.

He lost me as soon as I saw all of THE CAPS and my scroll bar disappear.  Can someone read all of this shit and let me know if he’s a solid catch or something ? 

IM ______, AN INVENTOR FROM _______ NOW LIVING IN _______/_, CA. I’M A VERY ARTISTIC, OLD FASHIONED TYPE GUY WHO’S ALSO THE INVENTOR OF THE… (insert a whole paragraph HERE)

I LIVE BY STRICT RULES AND MORALS. I’M A VERY STRAIGHT FORWARD, COMPASSIONATE, LOVING AND MOODY GUY. CATCH ME ON A GOOD DAY YOU’LL GET AN ANGEL, ON BAD DAYS…YOU’LL GET A HELL RAISER. I’M JUST BEING REAL..LOL

I DON’T BELIEVE IN TRYING TO SELL MYSELF TO A BUNCH OF WEIRDOS ON A DATING SITE. I’M NOT TALKING ABOUT EVERYBODY, THERE,S A SELECT FEW ON HERE WHO KNOWS WHO I’M TALKING ABOUT…ANYWAY, BACK TO MY LIKES AND DISLIKES. I LOVE MUSIC, SPORTS AND ART. THE OLD SCHOOL MUSIC IS MY FAVORITE.

LADIES STOP ASSUMING THAT THE ATTRACTIVE GUYS ARE ALL PLAYAS. AND THE GUYS HAVE TO STOP ASSUMING THE HOT CHIX ARE LOOSE BOOTIES WITH A TON OF MEN. I JUDGE A PERSON BY THE WAY THEY DRESS. IF A WOMAN DRESSES LIKE A SLUT, SHOWING TOO MUCH SKIN IN HER PROFILE, SHE’S EITHER INSECURE (WANTING ATTENTION) OR SHE’S FAST. ALL OF MY PIX ARE DECENT, I’M NOT TRYING TO SELL SEX.

IN TRUTH THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE ARE THE LONELIEST. THE MOST ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE CAN GET LAID A LITTLE EASIER THAN THE REST BUT THEY ARE USUALLY ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS..LOL IN THE HEIGHT OF MY PLAYA DAYS WHILE IN MY 20’S I ONLY SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH A FEMALE ONCE! BUT ALL YEAR ROUND I HAD A BLAST….GO FIGURE. PLAYAS ARE NOT TAKEN SERIOUSLY, THEY’RE CONSIDERED “PRETENDERS NOT CONTENDERS” THAT’S WHY THEY’RE ALWAYS ALONE ON THE HOLIDAYS WONDERING WHY NOBODY WANTS THEM. LADIES, IF YOU WANT MORE SUCCESS MEETING SERIOUS GUYS, CHANGE THAT “LONG TERM” TO “DATING, OR HANGING OUT” ALL SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS STARTS FROM TRUE FRIENDSHIP FIRST.

I KNOW SOME OF THE THINGS I WROTE IN THIS PROFILE MAY TURN SOME FEMALES OFF. BUT I’M NOT A MR. ROGERS TYPE GUY. I’M A TOTALLY HONEST REAL GUY. IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER WHAT A PERSON WRITE IN THEIR PROFILE, IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO CHEMISTRY IN PERSON. EVERYBODY ON HERE BASE THEIR INTEREST ON LOOKS FIRST, PROFILE SECOND, IF THEY HAVE CHEMISTRY IN PERSON IT’S ON! THAT’S WHY I PUT MORE EMPHASIS ON DISPLAYING ATTRACTIVE PIX. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY FEMALES RESPONDED BACK TO ME WITH “I’M SORRY I’M NOT FEELING A CONNECTION” HOW DO YOU FEEL A CONNECTION BY READING A PROFILE? LOL WHAT THEY’RE REALLY SAYING IS “I DON’T DATE BLACKS OR I JUST DON’T LIKE YOUR LOOK”(BLACK) I CONSIDER MYSELF AN INTELLIGENT GUY WITH A GREAT PERSONALITY AND SENSE OF HUMOR. MY POINT IS…LOOKS, MATTER TO EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE INITIALLY. I ASKED EVERY FEMALE WHO I’VE MET OR CONVERSATED WITH WHY THEY RESPONDED TO ME, THEY ALL SAID “I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOOD LOOKING AND FUNNY” NOT ONE SAID “OH, I WANTED TO MEET YOU BECAUSE I LOVE THE WAY YOU TYPE OR BECAUSE OF YOUR BRAIN OR PERSONALITY…LOL

ONE THING I CAN’T STAND ARE THE FEMALES WHO ASK “ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ONLY SEX?” MY RESPONSE TO THAT IS “IF YOU DON’T HAVE A BRAIN WITH ZERO CONVERSATION, WHAT ELSE IS THEIR TO DO OTHER THAN HAVE SEX?” EVERYBODY ON THIS SITE WANTS TO GET LAID, EVEN ANIMALS WANNA GET LAID…LOL IF YOU DON’T WANT SEX PLEASE RAISE YOUR HANDS.

I’M SURE YOU LADIES MET PLENTY OF GUYS WHO WERE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY BUT WERE DUMB AS HELL. MALES AND FEMALES WANT THE SAME THING, A PERSON WHO’S INTERESTED IN YOU MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.

ANOTHER THING I CAN’T STAND IS A WOMAN WHO SAYS “I NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND” REALLY? LET’S EXPLORE THIS SHALL WE… IF YOU NEVER HAD A ONE NIGHT STAND THAT MEANS ALL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WERE SUCCESSFUL..MEANING YOU WOULDN’T BE HERE. THE “ONE NIGHT STAND” GET SUCH A BAD RAP, THE “ONE NIGHT STAND” IS ACTUALLY GOOD IF YOU HAVE COMMON SENSE AND GOOD JUDGEMENT. IF YOU MET A NICE GUY, DECIDED TO HAVE SEX THE FIRST NIGHT, AND WHILE HAVING SEX YOU NOTICE HIS WEENIE WAS TERRIBLY SMALL, WOULD YOU CONTINUE DATING THIS GUY? MY GUESS IS “HELL NO!”

THE MEN OF COURSE HAD MANY BAD EXPERIENCES WITH FEMALES WHO WE THOUGHT WERE THE ONE, BUT LATER FOUND OUT SHE WAS TERRIBLE IN BED OR GOD FORBID, HAD A TERRIBLE FOUL ODOR, OF COURSE WE WOULDN’T CALL HER BACK FOR A SECOND DATE.

ALSO IT’S IRRITATING WHEN I TRY TO ASK A WOMAN CERTAIN QUESTIONS PERTAINING TO SEX AND ROMANCE IN OUR FIRST CONVERSATION AND SHE REPSONDS WITH “I DON’T TALK ABOUT SEX ON OUR FIRST DATE” REALLY? WHY WAIT DAYS AND WEEKS TO FIND OUT IF A PERSON YOU’RE ATRACTED TO LIKES TO KISS OR NOT? IT’S BEST TO TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS EARLY SO YOU’RE NOT SURPRISED BY SOME WEIRD ADMISSION LATER LIKE “I DON’T FRENCH KISS, I ONLY HAVE MISSIONARY SEX, I HATE ORAL SEX” ETC.

YOU KNOW WHAT I NOTICED, IF YOU REMEMBER A LOT OF WHAT YOUR DATE SAID WHILE OUT WITH THEM, YOU DEFINITELY INTERESTED IN THAT PERSON. I WAS OUT ON AN 8 HOUR DATE WITH THIS TALKATIVE HOTTIE, I SWEAR TO GOD I CAN’T REMEMBER MUCH OF WHAT SHE SAID. I THOUGHT I WAS INTO HER. 

BUT I HAD A HARD TIME RETAINING HER INFORMATION. BUT WITH OTHER FEMALES I COULD REMEMBER ALMOST EVERYTHING THEY SAID. JUST TODAY A WOMAN CALLED ME, WELL I THOUGHT SHE WAS CALLING ME, THE BIMBO HAD THE NERVE TO SAY “HEY, IS THIS JAMES?) I SAID “WHO IN THE HELL IS JAMES?) I IMMEDIATELY DELETED HER ASS. CALLING ME BY SOMEBODY ELSE’S NAME IS A DEFINITE NO! NO! BOTTOM LINE…RETAINING INFO=INTERESTED… NOT RETAINING INFO LIKE NAMES=NOT INTERESTED!

PEOPLE ARE SO FUNNY TO ME…I LIKE TO SIT OUT SOMEWHERE AND JUST WATCH PEOPLE IN ACTION, THAT’S THE FUNNIEST sh*tIN THE WORLD.

This dude wonders why women aren’t receptive to his profile or his messages, when he’s got 10,000 reasons right here.

I just can’t.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

5 Things Women Want in a Man

what women want

Someone new reached out to me over the weekend online and sent this:

I know there’s  less than a snowball chance in hell that you will even respond to this message, but sending it anyway.

Your profile is well written and you’re photos are great,  depicting a woman who’s  at the tip of her game. Yet you’re  single (presumably) and online.

This might be out of line, but I’m guessing you’re still single because you’re looking for that perfect guy  on your carefully crafted list of about 101 different things.

But maybe… just maybe I’m wrong and if so, you’ll respond and we’ll end up riding off into the sunset.

Just hoping I’m  at least I’m the top 10.  Hope to hear from you soon.

Interesting opening message and I’m case you’re wondering what in the world I’m saying in my profile, let me assure you – nothing that prompts this kind of reply.

In fact, it’s been edited to just the basics: I’m single, have a cat, enjoy photography and blogging and looking to date.

That’s all.

But the strikes a chord with me. There are so many people (women included) who believe there’s this ridiculously long complex list of requirements singles require.  Not true, not even  a little bit so I put together 5 things a woman really wants in a man.

You can check it out on Digitalromance!

https://digitalromanceinc.com/dating/women-want-in-a-man-5-things-simple/

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

About Digital Romance:

Digital Romance, Inc., is the premier resource offering some of the best advice on dating and relationships.

I Can Work with Men

  • The funny thing about dating is that there are so many different types of men and situations out there so you really are placed in a position of picking your poison.

My last date from a few months ago really had it together.

He owned a couple of properties, had a stable career with no debt and only one child and was just as eager as myself to find someone special and settle down.

That same man was also a self-centered, controlling, condescending asshole who believed he was the crème de la crème and couldn’t understand why or how any woman could reject him.  But like the others he’d complained to me about who found a man with his life in order, I just wasn’t interested in him.

Two weeks ago I met up “47” who is the polar opposite.

He’s newly single, rooming in a small apartment with a relative, has two different baby mamas who are still giving him grief almost ten years later, is transitioning into a new career as a financial advisor, trying to get himself out of a boatload of debt and sheepishly volunteered that he “only made $47,000 last year and it’s been really hard”.  By no means am I judging the man based on his income, but these were his words about struggling, not mine.

“You just don’t make enough money to be able to date me”.

When I asked 47 about some of the women he’d dated recently and why things didn’t work out, he replied that most of them had catfished him and were all grossly obese, but it was that comment above that really stood out.

Initially I thought to myself “what a rude bitch and no wonder she’s still single”, until he provided more details about her.  She was a successful attorney who enjoyed weekend trips to wineries up north, traveling abroad and the opera and as single as she was, that woman was looking for someone who could at least come up with his portion and travel with her.

In the end, this woman and the two before her found 47 useful for nothing more than a quick lay and as he openly admitted, none of them were cool with his current financial and living situation.  He wanted a relationship, not just being looked at as a piece of meat and the fact that they’ve not come back for seconds?  Well, I guess that’s another story because if the sex is that good…

So how did our first meet-up go?

For the sake of brevity (something I really know nothing about), I’ll try to be brief about our Barnes & Nobles meet up and try to avoid two different posts but let me just say this – first impressions are a motherfucker.

Impessions-Quotes.001Whenever I’m going to meet someone whether it be from online dating or after our initial encounter, I make sure everything is on point.  Clothing, hair, scent, nails, shoes, teeth and my personal favorite – lotion.  They’re either going to like me or not but I most certainly am not offering any ammunition to be accused of looking a hot mess.

47 didn’t think things through too carefully or maybe was thrown off because he was rushing to meet me from the Inland Empire, because I was not impressed.

Even if I was to have “worked with a brother” and try setting aside my disdain for his roommate and overall situation, he pretty much set the stage for a not-so-positive evening by showing up:  late, shirt screaming for an iron, about two weeks past that last barber edge up, long dirty fingernails and breathe that was two clicks from being vile.

This is the first meeting, the impression meeting, the let me decide if I would even consider seeing you again meeting yet this is how he arrived.

I just don’t get these men, I really don’t BUT… I think I just may give him a chance to redeem himself.  Maybe.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Too Soon?

EXCLUSIVITY
Related to exclusivity: Mutual exclusivity
ex·clu·sive  (ĭk-sklo͞o′sĭv)
adj.
1. Excluding or tending to exclude: exclusive barriers.
2. Not allowing something else; incompatible: mutually exclusive conditions.
3. Not divided or shared with others: exclusive publishing rights.
4. Not accompanied by others; single or sole.

It’s late and as I’m ready to call it a night, he sends me a text asking if we are now dating exclusively.

I don’t respond and in the morning will use the excuse that I’d fallen asleep.

We’ve had two outings together and the first didn’t leave a very favorable impression.  Hell, I haven’t even had a chance to share what went wrong with that first impression and here we are at the junction of exclusivity.

This IS  what I’ve been waiting for, right?  To meet a man who realizes pretty damn fast that I’m the rarest cut of a precious diamond.

Yes, this is a request to go put profiles to sleep and focus on getting to know each other, not an actual relationship.   But is it too soon?

So far he IS talking a good talk, even though my nose is turned in the air at a few things that are either concerning or deal breakers.

He’s not even programmed into my phone by name but only as “Maybe” with a smiley face.  Yet again, we’re broaching the subject of being exclusive.   Already.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Single With Benefits

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I’m still here and yes, still single.

This chick here has been quite busy over the holidays and am just now starting to get into the swing of things after ending the year trying to knock out some of my goals that I’d set which included the usual suspects such as:  losing weight, saving money, traveling, meeting “him” and purchasing a home.

The bad news is when it came to losing a couple of pounds and meeting him I failed, failed, failed.  I got nothing, nada, zero, zilch to offer for either of those two major goals.

The good news is that I hit two of the major ones out of the park – I nailed the savings/debt management AND purchased my first home!!!  I did it on my own and in one of the worst places to purchase property, good old Southern California.

Ah… what a great feeling and while I’m trying not to let what one of my friends joked about being a homeowner raises the bar even higher for the types of men I’d consider taint my joy,  I would be lying if I said there wasn’t some truth to what she said.

The pickings for men who have it together that aren’t bat shit crazy or self-absorbed assholes are pretty slim and not even considering the ownership portion, a lot of them are shacking up or back at home with their parents.  It seems like so many men are really struggling but are always putting themselves out there to date.  I don’t get it.

But to be honest, there’s not been much focus on dating or dealings with any man for that matter, including Papi.  The last potential who at first glance kind of seemed like someone I could entertain as a dating prospect that I’d met right before Thanksgiving ended badly because no matter how much of a gentleman he claimed to be, accepting rejection was NOT his forte.

For days, I was the most beautiful woman in the world, with impressive conversation and book smarts which all changed once I started phasing him out:

image

Then I see he’s not getting the nice way of me handling things and send him the pink slip, and he responds with this:
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He’s not the first and surely won’t be the last of his kind who can’t handle rejection.

Do you know how often men actually stoop to this level? More often than you think another blogger shares here. Clearly, he was really in his feelings and I’ll have to share some choice words from another guy who couldn’t take the “not interested” reply and read me the riot act on of all things, understanding rejection.

Then there’s the fall back guy Papi, whose sole purpose in life was to make my fantasies of multiple orgasmic nights come to life but towards the end of the year, that routine became old.

  I guess I just got tired of trying to figure him out and interpret his mixed and often cryptic messages that were as frustrating as solving a rubik’s cube with too many missing pieces.  Zero patience or time for that song and dance and even as recently as a few days ago, have been ignoring his attempts to bring in the New Year with sweating and groaning by sending messages like this:

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Yes, that is exactly what you think it is  and ordinarily these kinds of tempting sexting messages  would have me drooling.  I decided to opt out this time around.

So for now, not much has changed on the hangovers scene.

Perhaps since one of the things I’ve been wanting for so long (being a homeowner) has satiated the desire for something else I’m wanting (a good man) and there are so many things I want to do to fix up my new place as much as possible in the next couple of months to keep me distracted from dating.

But…with my short attention span, I suspect I’ll be back to trolling for prospects pretty soon.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

When He Shows the First Sign of Crazy

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time” – Maya Angelou

It’s just after 6am and I just ended a telephone call by telling two bold-faced lies to the man on the other end.

The first lie was that I was entering underground parking (with not a structure in sight) and would be losing reception and the second lie was that I would call him right back.

After about a minute of listening to the venom spewing from his mouth, I was beginning to wonder if this dude was a loose cannon, and for the remaining nine minutes on the phone with him, my suspicions were confirmed.  I would be deleting this nut job immediately so please – allow me to introduce Jaded Jack (“JJ”).

I met JJ a few days ago while hanging out with a few friends and while he wasn’t much of a looker, he was decent and came equipped with a nice set of teeth, sense of humor and his casual banter was entertaining.

Since we exchanged numbers in passing, we really didn’t have time to get beyond the basics such as names, age and status.  It was just in your face, this is who I am and if you think you might like me, let’s take a chance kind of dealings and boy, did that “chance” end up being more like a risk.

See, this is what I miss about online dating.  A lot of what we learn from someone’s profile and those pre-screening messages such as career, schedules, children etc… may not necessarily be obtained at the time of meeting.

Someone like me needs to know a few details about someone I may end up dating but you can’t really fire off tons of questions when you meet a person without coming off as putting them through some kind of inquisition.

Then again, online dating isn’t foolproof either because looking back at the hangovers of the past that I did encounter online then meet doesn’t exactly scream “Winning!” either, huh?  I guess this just means that meeting compatible and decent people or dating really is like playing a game of craps and JJ was the snake eyes rolled with wobbly dice.

Now… About this morning’s first conversation (post meeting) which went just like this:

Yeah, I just finished my push-ups and am normally up around 4 or 5am when I was working.  I was laid off from Pepsi-Cola and was doing a stint with the school district, but I’m better than cleaning up classrooms and stuff like that.

In fact, I’ve got a meeting with the union this afternoon to try getting my job back.  So now because this punk ass coworker came at me sideways and we got into a heated verbal altercation I’m out of a job…”

“People keep telling me I need to just bite my tongue but that just isn’t me.  See, this is why I’m not looking for anything right now – not a relationship.  Nothing.

I’m just looking for a cool friend until I can get myself situated and everything worked out right.  I need someone who doesn’t want to fight and argue every day, because I just went to hell and back these past two years in my last relationship. I’m a bit jaded but I’m not looking to be with anyone right now.

The woman I was with took me to a different place and would always accuse me of cheating, said I was still sleeping with the mothers of all my kids (yes plural and no, I didn’t care to ask how many) but then would remind me how fine she was and how she could have any man she wants.  I know I’m not the finest man in the world or the tallest, but when a woman sees what is between my legs, SHE will be blessed…..”

Ninja what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?!?!?

In case you’re wondering, here’s what I said to prompt this type of reaction: “Hey, you’re up early this morning.  How’s the day starting out?”

That’s all.

He went from zero to 100 real quick acting as if he had lost his flipping mind. I don’t even remember him having taken a breath in between his rant nor did he notice that I was completely silent on the other end, eyes bucked wide open and jaws gaped as I took in everything he was telling me.

As I’m approaching my office, all I could envision were his blood vessels on the brink of exploding and him foaming at the mouth while he went on another tangent about his two-year emotionally and physically abusive, confrontational and destructive relationship with a ghetto Bonquisha.  His words, not mine.

Aside from simply hanging up, how the hell do you react to someone like this? Now that I think about it, there were probably two things I was able to fit in which included “Wow, it took you TWO years to figure out all of these things about her” and something like “People shouldn’t ignore the warning signs” but that’s really about all because clearly – this conversation was about him and him alone.

Finally, he decides to takes a breather and this was my chance to tell him my two lies.

I’m thankful JJ revealed so much about himself and did so right away.  He’s right about needing nothing in the form of dating or a relationship right now and to be honest, he doesn’t even need a new friend or casual acquaintance and most certainly it won’t be me.  This man reminded me so much of the explosive Bullet and really needs a therapist and some anger management training, not a new female friend who’s only going to be used as his personal punching bag.

I will never understand how so many men and women plagued with personal problems and drama believe they’re in the best position to meet someone new, even if for nothing more than friendship.

Please believe that most of us aren’t looking for the perfection in a person that doesn’t exist, but you sure as hell better have your life together and your attitude in check.

No thanks JJ, I’m so good on your wonderful offerings of friendship and “blessings”.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Stop Over Thinking, It’s Just Great Sex

An overwhelming instinct to protect myself from certain situations that can be detrimental to my well-being has suddenly kicked into overdrive.

This is really just a fancy way of saying whenever I’m feeling like the situation with a man is a little confusing or uncomfortable for me, the anchor comes up and this old ship gets to sailing.

It’s funny (well, not really) how just a few days ago I was skipping through the field of daisies, still on a high after the latest tryst with my long-term cut buddy Papi which I’ll say again, was one of the best sessions. I could just brush it off as having been one of those moments where the hormones of a 40 year old woman had gone crazy,  but I wouldn’t be a woman if I left it at that.

Just as many of us will do, I’ve been trying to analyze every moment to get some answers and wanted to slap myself once I realized how much time my brain had been spinning trying to do just that.

What was so different about this time? Why was the energy so different?

Could it be something as simple as me using a different scarf to blind-fold him or was I more turned on by being the one in control while instructing him through each moment during sex, doling out punishment if he disobeyed?

I found it mildly disturbing that I was even thinking about the why because that is totally out of character for me and then it hit me – maybe I was beginning to catch feelings.

If anyone has ever been in this situation before whether you were the catcher or the catchee, you already know that once a person tries to step outside of what’s already been established (sex partners and nothing more), it’s a lose-lose outcome.

This man has been a part of my life since I was 23 years-old and I’m now a few months away from being forty-one and if there weren’t any types of feelings there, I would be questioning whether or not my emotions were made of concrete and yesterday I kind of sort of let him know with a quick text message.

Dialogue is not what I was looking.

My sending that text was nothing more than a getting-this-off-my-chest-please-don’t-reply-and-if-you-do-I-won’t-read-it chicken shit kind of message and afterwards, I felt a hell of a lot better by simply telling him that perhaps the lack of any other “male distraction” was causing me to feel a little caught up.

That’s all I said and again, made it clear that I wasn’t looking for a reply of any kind, taking any and all credit for these feelings being all of my own.  Well, his ass replied and not only was I surprised, confusion by something he said using the phrase “mutually exclusive” totally messed me up.

Now I regret having said anything at all because our situation is what it is and I just need to regroup and keep it pushing.

This is happening because of failed dating and I blame the other men for this. If there were some decent prospects to consider, all of my focus this year would NOT have been on one person and everything would be okay and I could get back to sharing the sexual experiences with Papi and nothing else.  Bastards!!!

Don’t try to make sense of that last part; it only makes sense in my twisted little mind to find a reason for me having allowed overactive pheromones to have temporarily blinded me. For the first half of this year, I’ve not really been focused on dating of any kind – in person or online but now I think it’s time for a few distractions so I can close Pandora’s box just as quickly as I opened it.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

He Didn’t Wear Heels

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Last week’s date marked the first time I’ve gone out with a non-black man and while one “quick” meet up will never allow me to claim an interracial dating experience, at least I was open coerced enough to have tried it.

During that excruciating hour and eleven minutes with the hangover I’ll call Guido, a few things became perfectly clear to me:  (1) nearly every man lies about at least one thing on his dating profile, (2) broken English and improper verb tense isn’t something I’ll ever be able to stomach, and (3) being told how beautiful I am repeatedly in one sitting is a little creepy.

That being said, to say that I was turned off by Guido is an understatement and while he was planning on making the night last even longer by moving from drinks to dinner, I politely declined saying I wasn’t hungry even though my stomach was growling like it hadn’t been fed in weeks.  The second and third realizations can certainly be annoying, but it’s that first one that kills me about men just like Guido who lie, lie, lie when it comes to their profiles and according to scientific research, 81% of the people out there are lying about something. 

Height, age and weight tend to be areas where the deception is the highest.

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While Guido still looked a little bit like the profile photos posted he was just a shorter, bigger and more ethnic version of himself in real life.  Obviously I’m not very good at hiding my reaction to this actual version because he asked me why I seemed to flinch when he walked into the restaurant where we met. 

It wasn’t really a flinch but more like me silently asking who the fuck is this when seeing he was about 5’7 (profile said 5’11), chubby with stubby fingers wearing a jacket his body was screaming to get out of (profile said “athletic”) and while it didn’t matter either way, appeared to look more Latino (profile said mixed race). 

Of course if he’s going to ask what I thought about his appearance, I’m going to explain how different he looks and do you know this fat bastard even had the nerve to joke about the height discrepancy by saying “I’m not wearing my heels today” before quickly changing the subject. 

After he began the lengthy sales presentation about himself, I soon learned a few other things he lied about in his profile including his profession and ethnicity. 

Guido isn’t really in executive management but is a financial analyst who probably thinks he’s the big cheese because of the travel perks he received and pimps out to the ladies.  Also, when asking if his family still lived in Puerto Rico since he’s always traveling there (must have forgot he told me that’s where he’s from) I was confused when he shook his head like I said something offensive, before replying that he was from Chile.   This little tidbit explained realization number two.

Once again, there’s another fraud in my presence who ironically,  complained about having met WOMEN who weren’t what they depicted in their profiles.   I guess he decided to pay it forward thinking there was nothing wrong with little white lies.

Dating in general is already pretentious and risky enough without having to worry about the “little things” people aren’t truthful about either directly or indirectly.  Here’s the thing about lying when it comes to your appearance – unless you’re able to make some miraculous physical transformation before we meet all you’re doing is setting yourself up for failure, while eliminating yourself from ever having a chance at a second date.

Someone needs to tell these ass clowns to just be up front so they can stop wasting precious time, energy and gas.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

P.S. If you’re reading this post via email and wonder why you’re only seeing the first couple of sentences, have no fear – simply click on the post title link and off you go to the web site!

3 Signs the Date Wasn’t So Great

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“So um hypothetically speaking, let’s say you and I keep doing this right here you know and after about three months we’re in a really cool place.  Does that mean you’ll eventually close out your dating account or do we have that conversation when you feel like you’re ready?”

Blank stare.

“I’m ready, you know what I’m saying because you are the type of woman who is on my level, is over the clubbing, you’re a good parent and think the same way as I do.  So um are you ready to take this to the next level?”

Fool, what level and why are you talking like you’re with the homies on the corner?

No exaggeration, this is really how he speaks and all while I kept whispering to myself “Shut the fuck up, please just shut the fuck up”.

This is our first date on Friday night and unfortunately, our last but this poor guy missed each and every signal being sent his way to tell him that he was on Fantasy Island all alone.

Mr. Me (aptly titled) was too busy talking about himself the entire time, trying his best to sell the idea of him being this really great catch. Oh, and this is even though he lied about his age and height on his profile, wanted me to know that I nearly missed out.  The nerve of him taking a moment to  admonish me for my initial blow off and of course, there’s a back story.

Just a few weeks earlier Mr. Me was rubbing his eyeballs as he stared in disbelief at my standard farewell text message to guys that says “Sorry, we’re not a good fit”.   With all of the you knows, and uhs and you know what I’m saying along with a barrage of other faux pas making a conversation with him straight up painful, I knew he was a little too “urban” for me.

Why in the world do I keep forcing these types of situations is a mystery to me, because my profile even tells these prospects that an intellectual AND articulate man is best for me.  He was neither but in the interest of not being a snob or too picky, I decided to give him a chance and once again my second guessing and pity-dating ways have turned against me.

Back to the date, knowing that he’s much shorter with a body proportioned completely different than what his dating profile depicted, along with him having understated his age, I immediately transitioned from a mood of being hopeful to one of placation.

Sadly, Mr. Me was so self-absorbed in chatting about everything related to him from his rough upbringing (I likened him to Ricky and his brother was Dough Boy from the movie Boyz n The Hood), to his side hustle as a stylist.

While he’s plotting a plan to convince me to get offline and get to the “next level”, I’m working a mental calculation for my glass of wine and appetizer.  Keeping my portion as inexpensive as possible is generous, especially since I already knew this was the first and the last.

He totally missed this and everything else.

There were all types of amber warning lights being sent his way both during and after our date letting him know things weren’t as wonderful as he thought and here are the main three that he missed:

Lack of Eye Contact

This wasn’t too difficult to do because the smart guy chose the awkward seating arrangement. Instead of suggesting that we sit at a different table, we settled into a long lounge style sofa and he decided to sit next to me.  Poor thing missed me rolling my eyes to the ceiling, sighing in frustration.  He’s planning date #2 and I’m watching the clock.

Even during the moments when he started in on the “next level”, not once did I turn my head turn to acknowledge him.  Mr. Me said nothing about this lack of attention because he just didn’t pay attention.

Avoids Physical Contact

The advantage of our particular seating arrangement is that at any moment I could have reached over and touched his arm if I was feeling him.  I may have tapped his hand a few times, or willingly moved closer to him.

There was none of this and when he went for the seated side hug (picture it, very awkward), I stiffened up like a dead dog and pulled the opposite direction.  Once it was time to go and he tried for a good night kiss on my lips, my neck snapped so quickly he got nothing but a taste of hair.  There was nothing from my mouth in the form of words or body language otherwise to tell Mr. Me that I was feeling him, nothing at all.

Slow Response/No Response to Texts 

Even if the date wasn’t a smashing success, a quick thank you text was still sent to Mr. Me though some people won’t even do this.  It’s either going to be taken for just that and nothing more or provide hope that this will happen again.   But even if he was still clueless about what was not about to happen that same night, my vague responses and lack of interest in keeping any dialogue going the next two days should have been a clue.  Still, he didn’t get it and up until last evening was still texting me asking how my day was etc…

Clueless.

It’s amazing how many men fail to pay attention to words being said (or in this case, lack thereof) and what maybe going on with a woman’s body language.  Once again I found myself being out with someone for the sake of doing it, more out of guilt for rejecting him because I didn’t think we had anything in common.

One wasted outfit and a few gallons of gas later, so what’s a girl to do after all of this?  Call up her old faithful fuck buddy to redeem herself and end up with some real fireworks.

I just can’t do any more of these pity dates.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones
www.mydatinghangovers.com
myhangovers@gmail.com

The Familiar

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When the sex is so good, you’re ready for bed by 9pm on a Saturday night.

It’s been 7 months and after a disappointing random encounter with someone new, I decided it’s best to stick with what I know.

After nearly 20 years, he has never ever let me down.

Mmm, Papi.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers, I will not be starved of multiple orgasmic episodes.

Carmen Jones

14,608 Days

In less than 24 hours I’ll be celebrating my 40th birthday and I’m soooooo excited!

A small part of me wants to bitch and moan about being single, not having a snuggle bunny at the end of the night after I’m all sweaty and tipsy but to hell with any of those negative thoughts.  I’ll never understand why turning a year older seem to be such a daunting event instead of it being a time of celebration.  So what it’s cuffing season and there aren’t any good players on the bench, but at least I can say I spent the year doing something that makes me even more of a catch – working on me.

Who does that, right?

I could certainly accept the possibility that in all of the time spent this year with finishing up school, traveling to Europe, stepping things up as a public speaker and more, I’ve made some pretty half-assed efforts towards meeting Mr. Right Now.  No need to go down that road and besides – I didn’t come here for any of that stuff because there are more exciting things to think about such as my birthday party and the few hangovers who have been invited.

You know my golden rule when it comes to men not making the cut is to put them in the cozy friends zone and if I actually had some type of feelings for them, leave them the hell alone.  So obviously, if I’m comfortable enough to invite several of them out to mingle with close friends, these are the ones who are either harmless and have never even gotten close to getting booty.  Although I am expecting to see that one who has flipped it, smacked it, handcuffed me and had me screaming for more.  Oh the joy in watching my friends trying to figure out which is which.

mystery manI can’t wait and hopefully will have a tantalizing story about how my night ends but until then, I’m wishing you all a very merry Christmas and since January is the start of new resolutions for most, get ready for some new dating adventures.  I’ve heard that there are quite a few things to expect as a 40 year-old woman when it comes to dating (expectations/needs) and the sex drive as well.  This should be a very interesting year for me.

Until there’s a cure. ..

Carmen Jones

But at Least She HAS a Man!

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“Finally, I have met my soul mate. He is a true lover of the Lord, engages me in deep and thought-provoking conversations and compliments me constantly. Never have I had a man tell me how beautiful I am several times a day, not even my ex-husband and I can’t recall the last time I have ever felt so wanted by a man. Sure, he’s got a few minor things to work out but I’m not worried about any of that.”

Isn’t this lovely?

This was a conversation I had a few weeks ago with a co-worker who’s in her 50’s y as she gushed about how much in love she was with someone she stumbled on from Plenty of Fish. Of course after she shares the story with me and I’ve told her I was happy for her while wishing her luck for a positive and long-term experience, she turns and asks if there was a prospect in the works for me. I simply replied “No, and I’m okay with it right now” and then she tells me “Carmen, you better come down off of those high standards and expectations or you’re going to end up alone into your 50’s like I was…”

Certain situations require you to simply smile and walk away.

My standards seem incredibly unrealistic in her eyes, acting as if she’s just fallen in love with the most desirable man on earth.  Not only have I learned that she’s relaxed her standards by dealing with a man that is still married (been there, done that) – she also shared that he has a few other “things to work on”.

is acting like her catch is the best of the best because not only did I learn that he is still married, he has a few other “things to work on”:

Job?  Nope
Car? Nope
Own place?  Nope
Driver’s license?  Nope

Can someone really be so blindly in love that they don’t care about a person’s circumstances, even the inability to take care of their basic needs? It still confuses the hell out of me how men (and women are guilty of it as well) have their twisted little minds lying to them, making it okay to even think about dating. Sure, everyone deserves to find someone to make them happy and get a little love but how about getting your shit together first.

Being able to fulfill your own basic needs should be a given, if not a requirement before you even consider dating someone, shouldn’t it?  Okay, so life happens and your car could break down, you need to crash at your parent’s house for a little while or maybe that license lapsed but dating and being unemployed?  What’s even more interesting shocking to me is the mindset of some people who really believe that being unemployed AND actively trying to date is okay.  The guy writing this article even says being in this status is a good time to redefine yourself.  Really?

If this is what my “high” standards need to be reduced to, I’ll look at adopting about two or three  more cats and make sure I’ve got a slew of AA  batteries on stand-by for the rough times.

Until there’s a cure…

Carmen Jones

Decisions, Decisions

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I think I need to make a decision on what to do with this online dating account and there are two good reasons for not wanting to do anything too hasty but at the same time, there are two very good reasons for why I should just pull the plug.

It has been quite some time since the process of deleting of a dating profile has occurred for a good reason because normally the antics of men simply drive me to the point of sheer disgust and hopelessness and slowly, the dismantling begins.  The amount of time I pop on the site to read messages slows down and my response time, even slower and eventually I start to feel that the process of meeting men this way is nothing but a complete waste of time.  Next in the process and those of you still dating this way know it, is when we begin removing photos or specific details that only alerts the page stalkers that you’re about ready to make an exit.

Dating is tiring and there have been so many times when the profiles have been canceled because I figured the world consisted of nothing but men like Hope or Out of Sight so when I think back, there’s only been two instances where I took myself offline because there was a solid reason for doing so.  The first person was my ex-boyfriend, emotional fuck-up extraordinaire (Mr. Jekyll) and the other was about two years ago when Rescue breezed his way back into my life and to be honest, he did rescue me from a sad state of affairs because the dating scene wasn’t any better than it is today.

My Dating Hangovers was started several years ago because of Mr. Jekyll and a select number of nut jobs I encountered after our relationship had ended and the main purpose of blogging about dating experiences was to vent (therapy), learn from my mistakes (tough lessons indeed) and most importantly – make sure that I was ready (I’m sooooo ready) for a real man once he came along.  What’s funny but a little sad about that last part is that there’s a good possibility that I have met several men who fit the description of being stable in their lives, understood the benefits of wanting to settle down to plan and build onto their futures with a woman and most importantly – adored me, appreciated me and saw the value in what I have to offer as a woman, friend, confidant, companion.  Yet there was either something that was lacking such as the need for some semblance of physical attraction or their baggage that prevented me from allowing anything further.  The image of the man I want to be with is quite vivid and while there are concessions and compromises that can be made in some areas, anything in the critical zones is nothing short of settling.  I can’t and I won’t.

All of this is being said because I’m ready to give someone a real chance and in the words of one poor guy who didn’t make the cut, the distractions of the dating site aren’t needed any longer. This is meant to be a brief post so if I went into the details of this man I’ve been talking to for about two weeks, enjoyed a fabulous first date with on Saturday morning only to be in his company again over a nice dinner that same day, it would be much longer than what I have time for right now.  He’s older, intriguing, balanced, funny, chivalrous, focused, cultured, inquisitive and very much interested.  We begin our days with a quick hello, probably some quick music trivia and a daily challenge that can be about anything from relationships to “what would you do if” to religion – you name it, we’re all across the board.  I appreciate his openness and normally if a man texts me after a date expressing his enjoyment and adds “I know it’s very early but I recognize what type of woman I have in front of me and I assure you, I know exactly what I want…”, there are feelings that he’s probably desperate or a creep.  Not this time for this man who as of now, doesn’t even have a hangover name yet so maybe that’s because I’m hoping he doesn’t end up becoming one but I’ll think of something soon but the word that comes to mind is REFRESHING.

The points about this post that are being left out about why it might be a little premature to think about canceling are obvious – it’s early so how can I possibly know about his true character since there’s a possibility that everything he is saying and doing may be nothing more than a facade.  Yet at the same time, we know how many people we’ve dated who we thought we knew after months and even years, only to learn later that they were full of shit or there was always something.  Time will tell and one thing is for sure – I’ll definitely stop responding to the former hangovers in ways that could be an unwelcome distraction to this latest interest.  For now I’m looking forward to answering today’s challenge from him with the first question being “What does an exclusive relationship mean to you?  Is there a specific time-frame to become exclusive”.

You know I LOVE a man who can have the interest and make the effort to get to know the real CJ.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones

It Really IS a Small World

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According to the U.S. Census data from last year, there are 313,914,040 people in the U.S., 38.04 million in California alone; 9.963 million in Los Angeles County with 4,936,599 of this figure in my county consisting of whites and a paltry 856,874 represents blacks.  If breaking down these statistics even further, there are about 713,640 falling under my target category of black men between the ages of 35-44 years of age (Census Data http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/06000.html) .  I realize the figures speak for themselves due to the limited options that may be available and mind you, this isn’t considering any other preferences such as a man being single, employed, educated etc… that may be in place.

Nevertheless, one would think that in the grand scheme of things, the world of online dating would seem to increase my chances of meeting someone new and perhaps less likely of being contacted by a former hangover or some random schmuck from the past, but sadly, this hasn’t been the case.  If you’ve done this type of dating you know what we all do and that is hopping from site to site so it isn’t uncommon that the same man who was ignored, shot down or blocked on Black People Meet relocated to OkCupid then we all hope seems lost, we defected over to the next site such as Plenty of Fish or Match.com.

Since I’ve been on this latest site, there have been almost a dozen men who have reached out to me again in hopes (more like begging!) of getting a second shot at Carmen and there are two things that happening – they either recognize me and send something stupid and corny like “Hey there stranger, long time no speak” or they fail to recognize me by the latest photographs and message me normally using the same corny line from when we initially crossed paths.

Today alone, I’ve received several messages men I have previously encountered starting with this weirdo who actually lives on the same street as me, and each time he tried to make a connection in the past, I had to let him down easy.  What’s so funny about “The Chef” is that we have crossed each other’s paths on the jogging trail several times, so I nearly choked when reading his profile as he described himself as an extremely good looking 30 year-old man with an average build.  The truth is that he looks a little like Uncle Ben and is a good 50-60lbs overweight.

Okay, so the world isn’t so big and the possibility of the same person contacting you more than once online is being accepted BUT what about meeting a friend’s hangovers?

I don’t know if you remembered, but Out of Sight used to deal with a close friend of mine as I shared in this post and even though they had their freaky sessions over many years ago, that situation never really sat well with me.So now I’ve been speaking with the latest contender the last couple of days and he’s quite interesting, intelligent, entertaining and all of that good stuff but I’ll be damned if he isn’t the ex-boyfriend of another friend!!!  Fortunately, the relationship between me and the woman he was engaged to over ten years ago is pretty casual and even the mutual friend we met through is no longer in my circle.Still, I have a bit of an advantage over this new guy because there are plenty of tantalizing details about what she was doing while they were together (cheating, of course) which likely explains why their relationship went to hell and there’s a part of me wondering how this will go over IF things get to a happy place and she finds out.  I’m guessing a mobile upload to Facebook titled “Night out with my honey” may not go over too smoothly, eh?

Is this a good time to start thinking like a man and consider someone’s past as just that – the past instead of considering those cliche rules women set that says we shouldn’t take leftovers from another friend?
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The vibes from this man seem pretty good and genuine because he’s such an easy-going person who knows exactly what he wants out of life and what or who he needs in his life.  That alone is quite refreshing so for now, I’m throwing caution to the wind and will welcome this latest instance that proves how small the world of dating is.

Until there’s a cure for the dating hangovers…

Carmen Jones