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For every one successful experience with a man, I have THREE unsuccessful experiences. Friday night’s guy? A hit. Sunday afternoon’s guy? A miss. I’ll take the blame for the latter because I did something I normally do not do – gave someone a second chance.
A little public service announcement for those currently trying out online dating or may be considering it in the future, beware of the “trackbacks”. Whether this is the actual term, I could careless but once I explain how it works, you’ll agree that the word fits.
Because there are soooooooo many profiles you are matched with, the ones you search and view on your own and of course, viewing those who viewed YOU, I can see where duplicating your efforts might happen. For instance, I have several trackbacks and specifically, there are three or four really men who continue to contact me even after I’ve responded to them saying “sorry” asking that I:
- Increase my age range to be compatible (I’m talking 55+ and my preferences are set at 29-42)
- Consider dating an atheist because God is just hype (yeah, someone actually said this)
- Think about dating a married pilot because he is well traveled and can extend benefits to me
Needless to say, my responses to all of the above are a resounding HELL NO. For the most part, I simply reply with regrets and remove them from my search list and for the repeat offenders; I block them from being able to message me at all.
On the other hand, there are trackbacks from men I’ve communicated with and either (1) lost interest after a few messages, (2) they failed to pay their fees and could no longer access messages or (3) we exchanged numbers to make contact but no one really made a move to call. The latter is where Captain A-Hole comes in and for some reason; I gave him a second chance.
For the most part, Captain appeared to be a pretty decent prospect. 37 years-old, only 1 child, and lived fairly local in Marina del Rey, 6’1 tall, athletic and toned build and listed his likes as reading to snowboarding. This was the line that caught my attention: “I like people that are well read and can hold an intelligent conversation… Change my mind about something”. Finally, listing a dream vacation of visiting Rome and touring the Coliseum was different because normally someone is listing a foreign country without really specifying what they actually would like to see.
Now remember, he’s the trackback I gave a second chance to so sit back and observe how he screwed this chance up as well starting with the online chat:
“First off I must compliment you, you are a beautiful woman! I’m sure you hear it alot but one more compliment wont hurt.. It seems like we have a few things in common, let me know if you’d like to chat sometime. My subscription ends soon. BTW my name is Hxxxxxx”
Hi Hxxxxxx, Thank you so much for the compliment and no… one, two or three more doesn’t hurt. ; ) I saw your profile from the wink and thought you looked familiar and now that you have followed up with a message, I KNOW so.
I guess the Second time’s a charm? I have an incredible memory. A few months ago when I first joined before cancelling, I had given you my number… didn’t hear from you, then about 2 weeks month or so later, I received a text and not even an initial phone call. Perhaps my name rings a bell?
“LOL. Hey Carmen! Tell you what, let’s exchange numbers and talk, I’m in the middle of moving right now (well watching my movers move everything lol) so I wont be on here long 310-xxx-xxxx Hxxxxxxx “
Okay, Im just getting back from an executive lunch so give me a call later or I will call you (from 310 xxx xxxx). Good luck with the move! And you better not follow up with a text this time. : )
Please draw your attention to the last line.
So what do you think Captain does on a dreary Sunday morning, 6 days after I left him a VOICEMAIL? Yep, he sends a text. Now don’t get me wrong – I’m all for text messages as I’ve posted before but when you’re in the “getting to know you” phase, especially if you’re making that FIRST contact? You better be pushing buttons followed by “call” and not send!
“Good morning! How are you? This is Hxxxxxx.”
“I’m fine, thank you.”
“Good thanks. I’m flying in from San Francisco this evening, I wanted to meet you. Do you think we can get together?”
“Okay, I don’t have much going on so that should work. What time is your flight arriving?”
“Cool! I’m flying in around 5pm. How far are you from the Marina?”
“About 20 minutes.. Just give me a call when you arrive to make sure you’re up to getting out after a flight. Also, what spots are near you? I don’t mind driving that way, but am not familiar with their restaurants.” ( I think I set the expectation that a booty call at his home was NOT in the plan for ME)
Silence.
“You can just come to my place, maybe you can help me unpack. =)”
Silence.
“Uh… coming to you is a stretch but your place is not an option I’m comfortable with. We haven’t even spoken over the phone, let alone having met. Perhaps we should link up after you’ve gotten settled in.”
“My building also has a lounge where we can chill.” (what? A lounge? We can drink up before you rape or strangle me??)
Silence.
“On second thought, never mind. I don’t want to meet you. Not only have your turned me off AGAIN with this text message bullshi$, you think I’m desperate OR crazy enough to need to come to your house? You’ve got me confused with a dumb chick. Have a safe flight and good luck finding someone on _______, and hell no – I don’t want to help you unpack!!!”
“Cool!”
My recap on where I went wrong? Giving someone a second chance. It never, ever fails because they always mess that one up as well.
See……….this is the reason for my dating hangovers!
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Sigh.
On the surface it would seem like all this douchey behavior from guys would help the rare ‘normal’ guy like me seem even awesome-r by comparison.
Sadly, instead it serves merely to make women think we’re all like that and put their guard up.
I’ve seriously been considering hosting a man-camp of sorts to teach men some basic tips about how to act properly.
Until then, don’t give up on all of us!
Oh Caleb….. comments like that DO give me a glimmer of hope (yeah, like .0000002%) that all men aren’t complete scum of the earth.
See, what this guy didn’t have was tact. We all know there’s a way to get a woman to your house without seeming Night Stalker’ish. Had he reversed the invite order and said “hey, let’s meet up at this lounge”, who knows how things might have turned out.
Sadly, I’m no longer amazed but I’ve not yet gotten to the point of crossing to the “other” side. =)
Damn it Caleb – your first paagraph sums up my plan too! Oh wait – we’re on different continents, we’re not in competition. Carry on.
Wow, this Captain guy really knows how not to pay attention! Good for you for not putting up with it – if all the guys out there like him struck out completely with that approach, maybe they’d think to make more of an effort to do some actual dating rather than trying their luck with booty-call-texts! But the scary thing is that it probably does work for him sometimes and that’s why he hasn’t changed.
Come on Matt and Caleb – keep hope alive!!! Seriously, I like Caleb’s idea about the Little Boys to Grown Men Club. Really needed.
You hit the nail on the head Matt, Captain has done it before and HAS succeeded. For every lame “come to my place” and other home-date type of invites that have worked on one, some figure it can work on another.
Are these things specific to women only? I’d be interested in either of you sharing the types of antics women are pulling on the MEN. What’s the commonality that makes you go “ugh, not her too”?
The annoying thing which springs to mind for me is: if I’ve been on a date with a woman and I’d really like to see her again, and she doesn’t feel the same way but is really indirect about it – e.g. keeps being “too busy”. After a while I’ll take the hint, but at first there’ll be a part of me thinking “maybe she really is just busy – maybe she does want to meet up again.” It spreads the disappointment out over days/weeks rather than getting it over with in one “we’re not a match” text. (Of course, I’m not saying that all women do this – not at all – and I imagine that some men do it too.)
Oh Matt, it happens both ways. See, this is just one example of how the dating world would be a much better place if we would just fess up. If you’re not feeling someone, just TELL them or in this day and age, I guess that would be a text, huh?
Seriously, that happens more often than I care to admit and NO, I am not guilty of doing it.
In fact, as soon as I’ve got the feeling for someone after the first two or three outings/encounters, I’ll send them the “hey, you’re a really great person but…”.
People make things even more complicated if they let longer periods of time go by. Want my take? Fear.
In your case, the women who do it are probably lame and just don’t want to let what they THINK is a good one go so instead, they might drag it out longer.
So frustrating, so how about you and I take an oath? The next person we encounter, we will let them know immediately if we’re just not into them.
Deal?
Part of me would love to make that deal, but what if I realise about ten minutes into a date that it’s just not going to work out? Like if she starts saying racist stuff or starts chainsmoking or something. Hmm, maybe with those I could just tell her on the spot. But maybe not with less extreme examples. But I will pledge not to keep them dangling after the date has ended – I’ll let them know the next day if I know that it’s just not happening for me.